A/N: I AM SO SORRY YOU GUYS. If you follow any of my other stories, you'll know that I've been sick, depressed and busy. Now, it's the holidays and I'm free and surprisingly healthy, finally. So I managed to squeeze some time to write this chapter. Of course that doesn't make up for the fact that I think I havent updated this story since May or something. Again, SORRY. Anyway, this chapter is a bit short but after next chapter, things are going to pick up pace and fast. Enjoy. And please pretty please review. Ily. Oh, and Merry Christmas! x

Chapter 18:

I was still kissing Sirius like there was no tomorrow when a thought crossed my mind; I had already done this. I had kissed Sirius, I had dated Sirius, and it had not ended well. I was a grown woman and I would not repeat history. Besides, I owed it to Fabian. I couldn't just go around kissing guys only two weeks after his death. That was the lowest thing someone could do.

"What are you doing?" I exclaimed, pushing him away from me as fast as I could. "You think you can just come here and—and kiss me without my consent?" I asked, outraged.

"You kissed me back." He retaliated.

"That—that is neither here nor there." I excused lamely. "There is something called respect, Black. Something you ought to learn. You can't just go around kissing people in parties!"

"I do it all the time!" he answered.

"I know but that doesn't make it right!" I shrieked, trying to act like the comment didn't hurt. "I am not people, I am your friend. And, besides that, I am your friend, who just lost someone she cared a lot about romantically. There are boundaries!"

"Well, you didn't look too heartbroken a few minutes ago." Sirius shot back, making me recoil.

I couldn't believe he had said that. It was true, though. I was a despicable human being. My actions proved that. But one thing was thinking something about yourself and a complete different thing was having a friend tell you the same thing. This conversation was the worst conversation I had ever had. Not only had he confirmed that our kiss meant nothing, he was also telling me I was disrespecting Fabian's memory, and he had also confirmed I was a stupid little girl. A stupid little girl who thought was a grown woman. A stupid little girl who had fooled herself into thinking the man standing before her had changed. A stupid little girl who had spent the majority of December and better part of January fantasizing about this very man and what it'd be like to be his first and only choice. That wasn't what made me completely stupid, what did was that I had done it all before and, still, I hadn't learned. And here I was, a stupid little girl with tears in her eyes over the toe-rat standing before her. I shook my head.

"I'm so stupid." I let out a breathy laughter, shaking my head. Sirius blinked and opened his mouth, most likely to confirm that yes, I was indeed stupid, but I cut him off. "Tell James I will not be staying for the cake, please." I ordered before turning and walking to the portrait hole.

"Mere?" Lily called as I passed her and James, concern etched to her voice.

"Don't wait up for me tonight." I let her know. "I need to be alone."

I walked as fast as I could through corridors and half-lit hallways, up staircases and past many portraits that followed me with their eyes. I ignored them all, though. I had one target in my mind; the room that came and went, the room of requirement. That was all I wanted, the only room that wasn't in the Marauder's Map, the only room I could be really alone. I need somewhere to hide, I whispered in my mind once I reached the left corridor. I need somewhere to hide where I am alone and nobody can find me, I amended, knowing the last request was a bit vague. I need somewhere to hide where I am alone and nobody can find me, please, I repeated again and again until the door appeared. I held a breath in, hoping that I hadn't gotten it wrong. Last time I was here, I had been looking for a place to hide and the room had led me to a gigantic place filled with stuff of all kinds. It had been nice but I wanted a quieter and less tormented place. I opened the door and let out a breath through my mouth. The room had delivered, as I knew it would. Instead of taking me back to the room filled to the seemingly endless roof, the room had turned into this vast chamber, its walls were all mirrors and the floor was completely white. It was pure; so much, in fact, that I felt bad about having to go in and tainting its purity. I snorted at the stupidity of my train of thought. If the room had done this, it wanted me to be surrounded by purity, so I went inside. I walked and walked for what felt for hours, my steps so light they didn't make a sound, until I found a big soft-looking pillow resting on the floor. I regarded it for a few moments before sitting down, moaning at how soft the pillow actually was. I didn't cry. I didn't even make a sound; I simply sat there, looking at my reflection in the mirrors around me. Eventually, I lay down on the floor, wrapping a blanket that hadn't been there before around me, and fell asleep, not even caring about the fact that I didn't have my sleeping potion, or that my friends would worry. I woke up several hours later and I just knew it was already morning. I groaned, not really wanting to leave but knowing I had to. As I sat up, I realized the room had changed. Gone were the mirrors and white floor. Now, the walls were a soft red and the floor was made of dark wood, maybe mahogany, although I had never truly seen a mahogany floor before. There was a mirror somewhere near me, as well as a wardrobe. I got up and went up to it, curious. I was surprised to find the wardrobe had clothes identical to mine, I half-wondered if the room had stolen my clothes, but I didn't believe that was possible. I took out a simple black and cream dress and combined it with black thick stockings so my legs wouldn't freeze. I wore some cream flats and passed a quick brush through my hair. I concealed the bags under my eyes plus all and any sign of tiredness that could have been in my face with a simple flicker of my wand. Satisfied with my looks, I turned and went for the door, whispering a small 'thank you' at the wall as I left. I tucked my wand under the skirt of my dress, right between my thigh and the rim of my tights, and left for the Great Hall. The Hall was full; apparently, I had slept more than I thought I had. The moment I was near enough the Gryffindor table for anyone to notice me, Lily sprung to her feet and ran to me, furious.

"Where have you been?" she demanded, green eyes blazing.

"I… got distracted." I answered vaguely.

"You didn't return to our dorms, Meredith. Where were you?" she asked.

"I was perfectly safe and I slept better than I had in months, Lily. My exact whereabouts are not relevant," I told her.

She paused and I paused next to her, just when we were about to take our seats. She was still unconvinced, I could tell, but, apparently, she was ready to let it go.

"Fine, just never ever do it again." Lily reproached. "You worried us."

"You people worry too much." I shook my head as I sat next to Marlene and Lily.

"Of course we do, you're our friend." Marlene jumped in as she munched through a spoonful of cereal, not nearly as worried as Lily. "Now, tell me, did your little escapade have anything to do with a certain Black?"

"Now, what would lead you to believe that?" I asked, taking a goblet and filling it with orange juice.

"Two things, one he's sitting over there looking like he swallowed a giant lemon," Marlene pointed a little ways from us, where, surprisingly, the marauders sat. Sirius did look sour. I frowned, he was joking. Were they truly not talking to us because I had had a fight with Sirius? "And two, I saw you two going at it last night." She finished, arching an eyebrow my way.

I grimaced and groaned out loud, shaking my head. "No, no, no," I chanted. "I'm so sorry, Marlene!" I apologized.

"Nah, forget about it, it's cool." She dismissed with an easy flick of her hair. "Now, why are you two sitting worlds apart when you were sharing the most passionate kiss I've seen in years last night?" She demanded, raising a questioning eyebrow.

"Is that why you stormed off last night?" Lily asked.

"Not exactly," I said slowly and carefully.

They gave me a prompting look and I gave up, deciding to give them what they wanted; the dirty details. I told them everything. Even what he had said to me at the end. Lily gasped lightly before frowning, while Marlene turned to glare at Sirius right away.

"I could hex him, would you want me to?" Marlene asked. "I will." She took out her wand, already aiming at Sirius, who was still oblivious to what was going on.

"No!" I exclaimed, grabbing Marlene's hand. "There's no need, Marlene, truly. It was my fault, just as it was his. Just... make sure I don't kiss him ever again, please?"

"How do you suggest we do that?" Lily asked, suddenly snapping out of her thoughts.

"I don't know." I shrugged. "Hit me over the head with a bludger? It may hurt less than being insulted again. From this day, I'm through with Sirius Black, I mean it this time."

Lily and Marlene shared a look, clearly not believing me, and I huffed, turning to the table and trying to see if there was anything to eat. I settled for some toast and what remained of my orange juice.

"We'll have to do something about the longing looks of adoration, though," said Marlene after a long while.

I realized then, to my great horror, that I had been gazing at Sirius from my spot on the Gryffindor table. I flushed and looked away quickly, focusing back on my breakfast.

"Oh, look, he's looking this way now." Marlene continued, her tone teasing.

"Wow, such intensity." Lily joined her. "Although I don't know whether he's longing after you or angry." She frowned.

"Probably the latter." I mumbled, looking up and towards him. I almost had a heart attack when I caught his eyes, but he averted them quickly.

"You two are so smooth." Marlene laughed, shaking her head.

"Oh, shut it." I snapped. "Glad to see my pain amuses you."

"Come on, don't be like that!" Lily protested. "We're trying to make you laugh."

"Why again?" I asked.

"Because when it comes to Sirius Black, you're either ecstatic or sad," Marlene said matter-of-factly. Her teasing tone had vanished and she looked serious. "I want you to be happy, Mere; I think we can all agree these past few months have not been the kindest to you."

I looked down, ashamed over the fact that my emotions were so plain to look at. But they had good intentions, so I tried to ignore the ache on my chest each time I heard Sirius' name and the urge to look up at him, and I put on a smile.

"You are right." I announced. "I've been so stupidly depressed it's not okay, so what should we do to amend that?"

The girls' plan against my depression turned out to be all of us in our dorms, blasting music as loud as could be, eating lots of candies and complaining about boys. It was perfectly okay for me. The first week of February passed and Sirius kept giving me the cold shoulder. We talked to the Marauders and sat with them but Sirius and I did not talk. It was just like at the beginning of the year, except worse because now we didn't even bicker. One Tuesday, after a particularly awful weekend and Monday, the girls and I decided to have a sleepover. That included treats, music and, most importantly, alcohol.

"Attention, attention!" Dorcas yelled over the music, glass of fire-whiskey in hand. We all stopped laughing and looked up at her as she stood up in bed and jumped slightly. "I am hereby officially declaring the rest of our sixth year to be amazing! It doesn't matter whether we fail our finals," at this she glanced slightly at Alice, who we all knew was having trouble with classes this year. "Or if McGonagall owls our parents telling them we've been skipping class being too busy snogging boys in empty broom closets—" Marlene threw Dorcas a pillow at this. "Hey! Be nice, Mar.—anyway, who the hell cares if Black is an arsehole? We are going to have the best year of our lives before seventh year begins and we're drowning with NEWTS." She announced before collapsing into a mess of giggles.

The girls laughed along with her and Marlene continued to hit her with a pillow. I laughed as well but it was slightly forced. Dorcas' comment about Sirius stung. It didn't matter, however, because she was right. We had to make the most of this year before seventh year hit and we were talking, eating, breathing and sleeping NEWTS. I looked down at my glass of fire-whiskey and drown it all down. The burning in my throat as I swallowed the strong liquor made up for the pain in my chest each time Sirius Black crossed my mind. After a few hours, we all collapsed in Lily's bed, completely worn out.

"I don't think I've ever eaten so much chocolate in my life." Lily grumbled, rubbing her belly.

"I don't think anyone has ever eaten that much chocolate." Marlene laughed from my right as she turned to glance at Lils.

I moved until I was looking at the ceiling. Dorcas' head was digging at my hipbone but she was so deeply asleep, she wouldn't move no matter what I did. I frowned once I realized Mary was nowhere to be found. Alice was asleep like a cat by the foot of the bed, cuddling a bottle of beer to her persona, Dorcas was in an incredibly awkward position; her head on my hip, her body angled horizontally and her legs were resting on top of Alice. I was lying in between Marlene and Lily but I couldn't see Mary.

"Hey, girls, where's Mary?" I asked, craning my neck to see if I could see her.

"She's over there." Marlene pointed with her finger at the floor.

Lily and I glanced over the edge of the bed to find Mary, sound asleep right next to her own bed. She had grabbed her comforter and nestled it around her, using it as a cocoon. Her arm served as a pillow and she slept with her mouth open, a little bit of drool dangling from her mouth. Lily and I shared a look before bursting into silent giggles.

"If only we had a camera," I sighed, shaking my head and turning back to my spot.

"Oh, but we do!" Marlene exclaimed excitedly.

Lily shushed her as Dorcas groaned and snuggled further into my side. Marlene tiptoed to her trunk and retrieved the camera Sirius had given her for her birthday. She snapped the picture of Mary before putting the camera on Lily's bedside table. We stayed quiet for a moment, with me playing lazily with my half full glass of liquor.

"Here's something uncomfortable." Marlene started, her voice was soft. "Yesterday Peter asked me out on a date. He said he wanted us to go together to the next Hogsmeade trip."

"Peter? As in Pettigrew?" I asked. Marlene hummed. "What did you say?"

"No, of course." Marlene scoffed.

"Why?" Lily asked, frowning.

"Uh, because Peter is—he's my friend, all right? But he's a really chubby kid and kind of dumb." Marlene shrugged. "Anyway, he told me he had a bet going with the boys and that he needed a date for next trip. I immediately assumed he's just trying to find someone to shag."

"Probably doesn't want to graduate being a virgin." Lily commented with a look that suggested she was actually thinking this over.

"Peter's not a virgin." I let them know, taking a sip from my glass. "He lost it to some French girl at fourteen."

"How did that happen?" Marlene asked with disbelief in her tone.

"I'm guessing she was wasted and Peter was prettier at that age." I shrugged.

"Who would have thought?" Lily asked, laughing slightly.

"Anyhow, for some weird reason, I ended up promising to find him a date." Marlene continued. "I have no one."

"When's the next trip?" I asked absentmindedly.

"Valentine's," Lily said.

I groaned. I couldn't believe it was already going to be Valentine's Day. I was dreading that day with all I had. Everyone was going to be acting all cute and I was going to be miserable. Not only that, but Sirius would most likely have a date who he'd snog all day.

"That only gives us a week!" I realized, alarmed. How were we going to find Peter a date in a week?

"Exactly." Marlene nodded. "So... who do we hate?"

I frowned. Sure, Peter was chubby and awkward and a teeny bit dumb. But there was no need to be so rude. He was still our friend.

"Come now, don't be like that." I elbowed her slightly. "He's a bit awkward, that's all. I'm sure someone out there must fancy him. He can be cute, sometimes."

"Good, why don't you date him?" Marlene asked me.

"She can't. She's in love with his best mate." Lily teased me.

"Shut up." I mumbled.

Lily and Marlene laughed as silently as they could. They fell asleep quickly after that, silently agreeing to find a girl for Peter the next day. I, however, stayed awake a little longer. Was Lily right? Was I in love with Sirius again? More importantly, had I ever truly fallen out of love with Sirius? The answer to that question scared me, so I turned on my side and shut my eyes closed, refusing to think at all until I fell asleep.