A/N: Hello ... it's me... I've been wondering if after all these months (almost years 'cause I updated last year), you'd like to meet...
SO! THIS IS SUPER DUPER IMPORTANT PLEASE READ!
This chapter is going to be weird. There's a lot, a LOT of explenatory paragraphs and I need you lovelies to read them carefully so you understand everything and don't! jump! to! conclusions! PLEASE LIKE REALLY I'M BEGGING HERE. of course if at the end you don't understand, and you read it again and still seem lost, hit me up! I'll explain.
Also, ALSO!, this has been coming for a long time like you have no idea, since the very beginning, since I started to plan this whole thing out, I just never really knew how to slide it in. I don't know if you remember but when Meredith was truly in rock bottom everyone seemed to be alarmed that it was like last time like literally, I've been hinting at it for ages I just never really seemed to be able to slide it in. It was supposed to be revealed when Fabian died and then it never happened. Ugh.
And you guys never seemed to get the hints or even think twice about them, so that's why I'm sort of warning you this was not out of the blue.
ANYWAYS, ALSO, IF YOU LIKE THIS CHAPTER GOD DEAR LORD YOU'LL HATE ME ON THE NEXT SO IDK I'M SCARED OKAY? OKAY. PIZZA? PIZZA.
Chapter 24: You sound like a Song.
The Gryffindor Common Room was filled with whispers and hushed giggles. I noticed the moment I went in. The second thing I noticed was that everyone would quiet down as I passed them, only to start whispering when I turned my back. At first I thought it to be a coincidence, surely the group of second years I'd passed first were simply worried I'd eavesdrop in their shenanigans and report them to the Head Boy. But then I passed two fourth year girls, clearly best friends, who had been very bad at talking in hushed tones. The tall one, a pretty blonde girl with a sort of superior tone about her that reminded me of who I used to be, had shut up immediately upon seeing me. She'd elbowed the other on the ribs, prompting her to be silent for a moment. The brunette hadn't gotten the message. It wasn't until I passed right in front of her that she slammed one of her hands to her mouth, trying to contain her laughter.
It was the giggles, really, what unnerved me the most. I could handle the whispers, the rumours. I could handle that just fine; I'd dealt with it since I was eleven years old and everyone had assumed the only reason I was good at school was because my mum was a teacher and, therefore, I was all the other professors' favourite. I'd dealt with it at age twelve when I tripped in the middle of a very busy hallway and my skirt had ridded up. And then when I started dating Sirius, how even the adults didn't seem to approve, seemed to be all up for gossip over a Potter dating a bloody Black. I had certainly learnt to deal with it when Hogwarts: a Gossip had decided me and my friends were a spectacular source of entertainment.
But nobody in my seventeen years of life on this troubled earth had ever made fun of me this openly. People—people had always sort of looked up to me in a way, I supposed you could say. Parents wished their children would be as proficient as I was at magic, as focused as me and my friends were. Girls wanted to be me, boys wanted to fuck me. I was 'perfect', why else would I'd been deemed Princess of Gryffindor? Laughter of this kind was something I was simply not used to be in the receiving end of.
I was already hot with embarrassment and inexplicable shame by the time I reached the centre of the room, where my friends were. Most of them, anyways. Sirius was still in hospital and James was currently down there, keeping him company while I finished my last period of the day.
Imagine my surprise, however, when upon reaching my friends, I found them hurdled together, taking in the same hushed tones everybody else was. Well, not exactly like everyone else; there was no laughter and their conversation seemed to have a distinct worried undertone. Lily saw me first. She glanced around, mid-sentence, brow furrowed, and she spotted me. Her eyes widened as she stopped talking and got up, rushing towards me.
"Meredith!" she exclaimed, very nearly falling on her face while jumping over the maroon ottoman in front of the fireplace. "Meredith, did you see it? Oh, god, tell me you haven't seen it."
"Seen what?" I asked, not being able to conceal the sudden dread that overcame me from my voice. Lily hesitated as she more or less dragged me to where Marlene, Remus and Peter were. "Lily, seen what?"
Marlene was the one who answered at the end, as Lily forced me to sit down in the chair that would usually be Sirius' spot. She produced a rolled up piece of paper and for a moment of pure panic, I thought it was the Prophet, that something terribly bad had happened to someone I held dear and people had somehow found my not knowing amusing. But then I realized it was a copy of Hogwarts: a Gossip and that gave me a completely different wave of fear. Because I knew. I somehow just knew what this was about. I'd been so terribly obvious the past few weeks, what with Sirius almost dying that I hadn't even thought about attempting to conceal my feelings from everyone.
"It got published this morning, at least we think because that's when everyone seemed to start talking about it." Marlene explained, passing the crumbled offending piece of press my way. It was already opened in the article that was most likely the ban of my existence. "You probably didn't notice because you've been busy studying and what not. It doesn't matter, though. It's just that, gossip. Nobody cares." She rushed to explain but I knew that wasn't true. The giggles proved her statement wasn't true.
We come to you in this fine morning with a piece that could not, for the life of us, go unwritten. As you all know, our beloved Sirius Black suffered a terrible accident last week, which was the only reason why we decided to take a time off. We send you our regards, Mr. Black, and hope you feel much better now.
That being said, the moment one of our sources came to us with this goldmine of information, we knew we had to pull our heads out of the whole in the sand, so to speak. Because we've found out, there's hope. And it is a truth universally known that we here at Hogwarts: A Gossip headquarters are hopeless romantics and when news reached us that our absolute favourite couple in the entirety of Hogwarts history could potentially reunite, we had to let you, our faithful readers, know. What are we talking about, you say? Why, of Sirius Orion Black and Meredith Adhara Potter, of course!
My heart stopped. It properly stopped for a few seconds before starting to beat again. This wasn't happening. No, they had no foundation to this. Sirius and I weren't getting back together; he would never take me back, he wouldn't. I vaguely wondered if it was truly necessary to use our middle and last name, as if there was another Sirius and Meredith in this damned school. I didn't want to read any further, didn't want to humour these vile people, but my eyes didn't seem to agree.
And before you shot us down, chalk us up to nothing but absolute delusional youngsters, let us give you the facts. Did you know that they shared a very passionate kiss on Meredith's birthday, a month or so ago? We've got proof. And before we show it to you, can I just say, you looked absolutely breath-taking, Miss Potter?
I shook my head. No, there was no proof. Nobody had seen us, nobody! But as I turned the page, there it was: a picture that clearly displayed the entire thing. The loop began when I attempted to walk away.
It showed Sirius suddenly taking a hold of my arm, a sort of alarm crossing his features I hadn't seen then. It showed us talking, almost completely pressed together, before his left hand snaked around my waist and he kissed me. I hadn't realized until now that I was looking at it, that he'd basically enveloped me into him, as if afraid I'd disappear if he didn't hold on. I'd always thought his arms around me had occurred later on, a spur of the moment kind of thing. The loop finished as I relaxed into him, one of my hands rising to his face, thumb stroking his cheek—something I didn't remember, either.—before starting again.
I watched it twice, noticing something new each time. I'd taken the first step, which I couldn't remember having done, and there had also been a pause before he truly met my lips, a sort of vulnerability that had crossed his eyes as he looked at me before he seemed to decide nothing mattered but that he kissed me then. I didn't remember any of that and it wasn't until I watched the loop a second time that I noticed I didn't remember because I had already closed my eyes.
I was suddenly very glad Lily had forced me to sit down. Because this kiss was nothing like the version I had on my head—in my head, he simply kissed me, without asking permission, without even thinking it'd be a complete show of disrespect towards me if he used me for his own stupid carnal desires. But the picture had showed that wasn't completely the case. And I couldn't deny it was right. I'd wanted to kiss him since the day at the lake and when I saw it'd happen again, I'd given into it without any hesitance.—and because I knew the article was about to get even worse, if my friends' reaction was anything to go by. They wouldn't get this upset over a simple picture. No, something else, something much sinister was waiting for me, I knew it and maybe that was the reason I was so reluctant to tear my eyes of the almost novelesque kiss in front of me.
If that was not enough to convince you, our sources swear up, down and sideways, as the muggles say, that, in his half-awake-half-completely-out-of-it state our dear Sirius found himself when he fell to the sandy ground of the Quidditch pitch—we've said it before and we will say it again, a terrible sport and a terrible fall.—all he seemed to be able to focus on was Meredith, who wasn't even there to begin with.
"I got to him after James," one of the players whose name will remain secret for obvious reason told us. "He was asking him if he was hurt, if it hurt anywhere. To be honest, I was surprised Sirius was even still conscious; there was a lot of blood and he seemed to be having trouble breathing. Sirius had no trouble asking for her, though. At first I thought I'd misunderstood, the rain was pretty heavy and his voice was faint, but when James asked again, he said the same thing. Meredith, don't let Meredith see, that's what he said."
Doesn't that just make your heart melt completely? But, unfortunately for Sirius, Meredith did see, at least some of it, as one of the spectators who were close by our favourite group of friends let us know. She turned white as a sheet and, apart from demanding that they left, went completely and absolutely mute for the rest of the evening.
That sentence gave me pause. How had they known that I hadn't said anything? That I'd been rendered speechless for the majority of the evening, that asides from snapping at Geller, all I'd done was stare at a stone wall, grim, barely holding back tears from fear? Who had betrayed me? Who had betrayed us, for that matter?
They had no right, no right at all, saying what they said about Sirius. Because while knowing he'd thought about me made my heart sing in a sickening way, they had no right plastering that in a freaking magazine article. Did they not see that we were people with feelings? What did they gain from this, apart from humiliating us to hell and back? A hell of a lot of money, I thought. I knew that Hogwarts: a Gossip paid people to get them the juicy stuff. The more desperate they were, the more they paid. I could only imagine the amount of galleons the idiot Quidditch player had gotten out of this.
I wanted to cry but mostly I wanted to find them and physically and personally hurt them. I would get even. I would. I would do anything in my power to find that sad little son of a bitch that had sent that comment and I would end him. I knew it was a 'him'; I knew the girls in the Quidditch team and while we weren't friends, we were civil. They wouldn't have done this.
"Mere...?" Lily suddenly asked, worry lacing her voice as she knelt besides me. Only then did I noticed I had hold the magazine so tightly it barely resembled a magazine anymore. "Okay, that's enough. Don't read anymore. It doesn't matter."
"Why—why are they laughing?" I asked, slightly desperate.
Lily lowered her eyes and bit her lip, not knowing how to proceed. So my eyes found the next most honest person I knew to be in the room. Remus' eyes were full of sympathy and for a moment I feared he wouldn't dare to tell me. He didn't, instead he showed me. He grabbed the crumbled up article, tried to smooth it down, and passed the pages until he reached the end. I hadn't realized it was this long; that they'd talked rubbish about my and Sirius' personal life for going on seven pages now.
"The last page, Mere." Remus finally told me. "They're laughing at the last page."
And this is what truly revived our hope, you see, because for months all these two had done was argue like they did last year, but maybe it was just pent up sexual tension. Or a desperate need to hide newfound feelings. A need that disappeared the moment Meredith found out Sirius was up and kicking again.
"She ran like a mad woman, literally. It almost looked like she was running away from a banshee or a mountain troll." A Slytherin seventh year happily let us know. "She looked absolutely ridiculous, running past all the students on the way to hospital. Because that's where she went, as if she expected to have Sirius propose to her or something. Ridiculous, I tell you, absolutely bloody ridiculous."
Well, what we do hope is that this doesn't end up being one-sided, for everyone's sake. After all, rumour has it the little princess was so heartbroken over their break-up the first time as to go as far as to attempt on her own life. And what would this world be without our beautiful Meredith Potter?
And it suddenly made sense, why they would make fun of me. Because what had started as a quite corny but almost beautiful article had ended up being a complete prank towards me. I knew it. Otherwise they wouldn't have written the last five sentences.
"He can't see this." I blurted out, suddenly very, very afraid that a copy of this bullshit had already made its way down to the hospital wing. "Somebody tell me he hasn't seen this, please!"
"James went down to make sure he hasn't." Peter let me know, the sudden desperation in my voice gearing him into action. "We're still not sure."
"It's—it's not true, though, is it, Mere?" Lily hesitated, looking truly afraid. "What it says at the end, it's not true. You would never—over him, you wouldn't..."
"Of course not!" I rushed to assure her. "It's not true, none of it. I would never do that, Lils."
The honesty in my voice was enough to calm the four of them. They relaxed back into their seat with a sigh, like all this time they'd been worrying themselves over that stupid final sentence. But I was still not relaxed, I was far from it. This whole thing had pushed a very disturbing memory to the forefront of my mind, a memory I had tried to block with all I had. The very reason why Mother had seemed so terrified when I fell into hospital this January, the very reason why Christian had lectured me until his voice went. The reason why everyone who knew had been so worried over it being like last time. And suddenly I could almost feel the coldness of the bathroom tiles and the sticky warmth through my fingers again, could almost hear Sirius horrified intake of breath as he stood by the door and how the only sound there was, was my uncontrolled sobs.
No, I had never attempted against my own life because of Sirius Black. I loved him with every single fibre of my body and soul but I knew how to live without him in my life, I could live without him, I'd just rather not. Nevertheless, Sirius could never under any circumstances read this. If he ever did, I knew he'd remember again, I just knew he'd feel guilty somehow, even if the accident had never been his fault. Even if the only thing that was to blame for that summer morning was my bloody nightmares and the desperation I felt because of them. I'd been terribly stupid, now that I looked back on it, but I never thought he'd burst through the door at that moment. I never thought, that was the problem back then. I never thought I'd become stronger when it came to this somehow, that I'd grow a second skin.
In a way, Sirius Black had saved my life. I wouldn't be here if it weren't because he'd walked in on that very moment. But he wouldn't see it that way, not if he read this, not if he remembered what had happened after, why the article said I'd done it over him.
"I'm going to see him." I announced, getting up from my seat like it had burned me.
"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Marlene asked, worrying her bottom lip with her teeth. "I mean, what if he already read it?"
"Then I'll tell him it's all shit and he shouldn't believe a word of it." I shook my head. "Because it's not true."
The last part was directed at them more than anything. I hadn't done it over Sirius and they needed to relax about it. In fact, I was sure the only people who knew about that summer morning, knew why it had occurred, was my family. My friends were already panicked enough, if they found out I'd tried to... god, I couldn't even think it anymore. This stupid thing was too embarrassing.
The worst part was how ashamed I felt, I realized as I walked out of the common room, away from the whispers. I was so ashamed over the fact that they'd plastered my secret for everyone to see. It'd been two years and nobody had found out. And they twisted until it looked like I was absolutely mad; that I'd done it like crazy heartbroken women do in books. God, the whole thing had been pathetic. I shouldn't have read it. I should have asked to be told why it was so bad. But now I'd be haunted by it forever, by the picture of the kiss, by Sirius apparently not wanting me to see him hurt, which I didn't believe anymore because that had just been a big load of crap, and by what they had said at the end.
I ran into Christian and Ariadne on my way to the hospital wing, or at least that's where I thought I was going, I wasn't sure anymore. They stopped me as I tried to hurry away from them.
"Whoah, where are you going in such a hurry?" Christian asked, a certain cheerfulness to his voice that made me wonder if they hadn't read it.
"Nowhere." I mumbled.
"Mere, wait!" Ariadne rushed, taking my wrist and effectively stopping me from going anywhere. Her eyebrows were furrowed close together and I realized that, while my brother hadn't found out yet, my older sister definitely had. "I saw." She nodded, confirming my thoughts.
"Saw what?" Christian asked, confused.
I didn't answer him, just pushed the magazine at his chest, hoping he'd grab it, not really caring if it fell to the floor.
"It was so embarrassing," I said, fighting the urge to cry again. "Everyone was laughing at me. And they believe it! They think it's true, all of it!"
"What rubbish is this?" Christian suddenly said, eyes stuck to the words on paper. "I'm going to kill them."
"We don't even know who's responsible for it." Ariadne shook her head, arms around me. "We don't know who writes that shit or who took the picture or who's the Quidditch player or the girl. There's nothing we can do, Chris."
"We've got to do something, Ari." Christian protested. "They're making her sound mad!"
He was angry; I could see it clearly from across Ariadne's shoulder, who was still hugging me. It was like she was trying to shelter me from everyone else's curious eyes as they passed us, trying to stop me from hearing the giggles that followed as they walked away. And then, Snape, Rosier and Regulus passed us, my biggest nightmare realized. Because I knew they wouldn't miss this opportunity.
"Oi, Potter!" Rosier called, already laughing in a very annoying way.
The three of us turned to him, with me stepping away from Ariadne and just glaring. I was so done with him. He'd been a nuisance since first year but lately he'd been right down scary when it came to obsessing over me and my friends. I wouldn't have been surprised to know he was the one who wrote Hogwarts: a Gossip. But then I remembered the whole thing, while mean, was actually eloquently written and I doubted Rosier was capable of proper grammar.
"I just found out the house elves are not going to serve dessert at lunch anymore." Rosier continued. "Hope that's not too much for you."
"Wouldn't wan you killing yourself over it, would we?" Snape added.
The three of them laughed, nudging each other like they'd just told the best joke of the century. Christian took two threatening steps towards them, wand raised. It was so sudden Rosier took a step back before quickly recovering and drawing his wand as well. This wasn't going to end well.
"Christian, let's go." Ariadne nudged him back, shaking her head. "They're just kids, it's not worth it."
I was slightly offended over her calling them kids; we weren't kids anymore, we were all seventeen, except for Regulus but he'd be it soon. Nevertheless, I was surprised at how easily Ariadne had shaken the comments off, like they were nothing. I made a mental note to ask her to teach me. Christian seemed to agree, because he sighed and lowered his wand.
"Fuck off, Rosier." He snapped one last time.
Rosier kept his smug smile on place, I noticed as we started to walk away, and I wished I could slap it off.
"I don't see why they want me to do homework." Sirius complained as I lowered the pile of books atop his bedside table. "I almost died, for Merlin's sake!"
"Oh, so when I'm worried, it's nothing but when they want you to study, it's you almost died?" I asked, amused. "Where's the lie?"
At the end I had been able to find my way down to the hospital wing. That had always been the original plan; McGonagall had trusted me with Sirius's school work, most likely knowing that if she gave it to James it would magically disappear for a couple days. I had only gone to the common room to let my friends know that I'd most likely be late for dinner and then everything had gone south.
"She's got a point there, mate." James jumped in from his seat next to me.
James had been my knight in shining armour when I reached the hospital wing. I had rushed to tell him none of it was true, afraid that he'd be worried like my friends. He simply dismissed my worries over that, told me the whole thing had been a lie so of course he didn't believe what they said at the end. Something about that made my stomach sink with something resembling disappointment.
James assured me Sirius had in fact not read the vile article and told me to calm down before he thought there was something wrong. And while I thought it'd be hard for me to calm down, being close to Sirius had been more effective than any calming potion in the world. I still tried to keep touching to a minimum, and eye contact only the reasonable amount of time. It turned out to be easier than I thought it'd be; I was still embarrassed, still had the words etched to my mind like someone had printed them there.
"Shut up, prongs." Sirius grumbled before looking at me with pleading eyes.
"No." I shook my head, returning to my seat by the other side of the bed.
"You don't know what I was going to say!" Sirius exclaimed in protest.
"You were about to ask me to do your homework for you." I pointed out. "I'm not Remus."
"That's not fair. I helped you study."
"Because I didn't have time, you have lots." I retorted, shooting him a look. "What the hell do you even do when we're not down here?"
Sirius grumbled something under his breath, his face falling into an almost pout before he turned to James and tried to convince him of the same thing. I rolled my eyes, not really mad. This was how things had developed between us since he woke up. We had a sort of... understanding; we didn't want to fight anymore, so we tactfully avoided the subjects that we knew would make us fight. It could turn awkward quickly and I knew we would eventually have to sit down and have a proper conversation but we never really had a moment alone—it was almost like our friends knew that our talking could either mean peace or war, and they didn't want to risk the calmness that had befallen our group.—and after the whole Hogwarts: a Gossip fiasco, I wasn't sure if I wanted to have said conversation. I was perfectly fine with things the way they were.
Madam Pomfrey released Sirius from hospital a week later, just in time for Easter. It made me terribly anxious, knowing that now he wasn't in the hospital wing, he could see the article anywhere. It was two days later, a Wednesday, when the calmness broke. We'd been all hanging out in the common room, which had gotten deserted quite fast considering it was the middle of the week and already eleven pm, and everyone had sort of gone up to bed slowly without my realizing it.
By the time I'd noticed we'd been left completely alone, with Sirius and I sharing the couch as I read a novel I'd borrowed from Lily and he studied for one of the exams he had missed, it was too late. The energy changed in seconds and it was suddenly so tense, you could cut it with a knife. Sirius seemed to notice as well, for he paused and looked up, eyes roaming around the common room until they fell on me. My heart started to beat frantically at our close proximity.
"Everyone's gone." He commented, almost surprised about it.
"Yep." I agreed, pressing my lips into a thin line.
"What time is it?" he wondered out loud.
"Half past eleven." I shrugged, checking my wristwatch.
We stayed silent after that, awkwardly silent. Ugh, no, this was what I wanted to avoid at all costs. The ground could swallow me whole right now; I'd be a flower for the rest of my life. This was too awkward, too quiet. I needed to say something; I needed to say something to fill the silence.
"I'm sorry about your uncle." I rushed through my words, flinching once they were out in the open.
Wow, Meredith, good job at shitting the bed, I thought. When I said I needed to say anything, things that could leave emotional scars were definitely not on the top of my list. But it had to be said because it been almost two weeks and I hadn't said it. Sirius sighed, closing his own book and putting it aside, passed a hand over his eyes.
"He sent me a letter," he said after a moment. "Said he was proud of me, no matter what my parents thought." Sirius paused after that, frowning. I abandoned my own book and sat a little closer to him, surprised that he hadn't looked at me like I'd gone mad by bringing it up, curious as to where this was going. "And then he said he was going to help me." He shrugged, his shoulder brushing mine as he did so.
"Help you how?" I asked.
"I don't know, Mere, and I don't care." He shook his head and leaned forwards, elbows on knees. "It's just—Uncle was the only one of them that didn't hate me. When I was sorted into Gryffindor and after..." he trailed off, sighing again.
"After you left." I finished for him, let him know I understood, that he didn't need to say it, that he didn't need to talk about it if he didn't want to.
We could leave it at just me saying sorry, we could leave it at that. I'd never lost a member of my family. I'd lost distant friends, acquaintances, even a godfather and a grandmother, with only months in-between, but I'd been three then, so I couldn't possibly remember what it felt like. I had lost a boyfriend, though, and while the memory of Fabian still hurt, I knew it wasn't the same. I couldn't exactly understand.
I could, however, understand one of the reasons why Sirius sounded almost lost. Every single member of Sirius's family had seemed at a loss for words when he'd been sorted into Gryffindor. Merlin, I remembered everyone had seemed shocked, even McGonagall. And while shock was almost expected, what wasn't was the sudden hate his family started feeling towards him. His mother bordered on abusive, or perhaps she was completely abusive, if the state in which Sirius had appeared on James' house that Christmas day was anything to go by. And when he'd finally had enough, they'd disowned him, burned him off the family tree and completely turned their backs on him. They even got Regulus to stop talking to him. They said he was scum, useless.
Not Alphard, though. Alphard had always been nice towards him, had always been sort of there. And now he was gone it was almost like Sirius didn't have anyone. Of course that wasn't true. He had us, he would always have us. But being a Black, and a good one at that, wasn't an easy task in the Wizarding World.
"Yeah." He nodded, turning to me with red-rimmed eyes.
I knew there were a million things that could go wrong with my decision, but somehow I didn't care. Sirius was hurting and I couldn't just do nothing. So I put one arm around his shoulder as my other hand squeezed his arm in a half hug, praying he wouldn't pull away, preparing myself to respect his decision if he did. Our foreheads touched. He didn't pull away.
"I'm so sorry, Sirius." I whispered, feeling him inhale and exhale against my cheek.
It didn't occur to me then, that this wasn't a platonic gesture. That, had this been Remus or anyone else, I wouldn't be doing this, I wouldn't be trying to absorb every single negative feeling out of them. It didn't occur to me then that we were sliding down a very dangerous, very slippery slope.
"You're not alone, okay?" I suddenly said. "You have us, you'll always have us." I added, pressing a feather-like kiss to his cheek.
"You sound like James." He observed with a hesitant smile.
I pulled away slightly, relieved that James had already said it, that I wouldn't come off as a weirdo. I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear with the hand that had been on his shoulder, suddenly anxious again.
"Yes, well, annoyingly overbearing and slightly desperate is the Potter motto." I added as an afterthought, my mind going back to the article, to its mean words.
"You're not annoying." He shook his head, slowly taking hold of my wrist.
We stayed like that for a moment, with him carefully tracing a formless pattern against my shirt sleeve, burning holes into my skin. It took me a minute to get it, maybe because I was too aware of my racing heart, too aware that he could most likely feel it against the tip of his fingers.
"You read it." It wasn't a question but he answered anyway.
"Yeah." He nodded. "Mere—I'm sorry."
"You don't have to be." I shook my head. "It wasn't your fault."
"That's not what I'm talking about."
I met his eyes, the silvery grey of them that was as pretty as mercury and just as deadly, and I knew he was talking about the day after. The reason why they'd assumed I'd done it over him, why they thought I was ridiculous. I took in a shaky breath, all the more aware of how close we were, how we had officially crossed the line, how neither of us seemed to want to pull away. What was I supposed to answer? He'd apologized and god knew I had wanted to hear him say it for a while, but I couldn't say I forgave him because I didn't. I hadn't, not yet.
"I was a kid and I freaked out—" he started again once it was clear that I wasn't saying anything.
Sirius was amazing. Out of all the things they'd written, he could've chosen to talk about any of them. But he chose to talk about the one he knew bothered me the most. Not because what they'd said was true but because he knew he'd been wrong after it'd happened. And he chose to apologize. I still didn't want to hear it, though.
"I—" I interrupted, widen-eyed. "I don't really want to talk about it."
I feared he'd get mad, say something about how if he had to talk about his uncle then I had to talk about this, the last elephant in the room. But he didn't. Sirius just nodded, his hair tickling my forehead.
"Okay." He conceded, fingers still tracing patterns up my arm, down my wrist.
And for a moment I thought that was it. I'd get up after five more seconds, and we'd be back to behaving like friends, not whatever we were pretending to be in this moment. Almost all of our bad blood had been wiped clean in this conversation; there was still the matter of my birthday kiss but he'd already apologized for that, so I didn't think there was much need for us to go back to it. This was it. But then I looked up and met his eyes and I knew this wasn't it.
His eyes dropped down to my lips before going back up to mine, searching, hesitant. I unconsciously licked my lips, saw how his eyes darted down again. He wanted to kiss me and yet he wouldn't move. I'd never seen him this... this careful, this thoughtful towards anyone. Not ever, not even when we were younger and together. It made me wonder if what the Quidditch player had said was true. If when Sirius told me, dead honest, that the only thing he had seen was what he loved the most, if maybe he meant me.
I inwardly shook my head. No, that was not it at all. This was just me being emotional and a romantic, nothing else. Nevertheless, I inched slightly forward, hesitant to be the one to kiss him first, trying to let him know I wouldn't run away this time. He seemed to get the memo.
Sirius leaned in, pressed his lips to mine once. It wasn't even long or anything, it was just that; a kiss. My hands found his neck, stopping him from pulling away, as I kissed him this time, barely aware of anything but my heart hammering against my ribcage.
"We shouldn't." He mumbled against my lips.
"No, we shouldn't." I agreed wholeheartedly.
We were finally okay and last time we'd kissed, we hadn't talked in weeks. But I was done running, I was done pretending. If Sirius realized tomorrow that he didn't want me like that, that he just treasured our friendship, that he was glad things were finally good between us and he didn't want to risk it, then I'd accept it and try to move on. But I wasn't about to ruin things again because I was scared of what I felt. We didn't move.
So he kissed me again, this time much more urgently, like time was running out. And I kissed him back just as desperately, bringing him as close as possible. His left hand buried itself in my hair while he lifted me with his right arm until I was straddling him with my thighs. My mouth left a trail of kisses across his jaw and down his neck before going back again to his lips. I felt like I was going to catch fire wherever he touched me.
God, this was not okay. It had disaster written all over it. But I didn't care. I hadn't felt this alive in months, had never felt this much excitement when kissing someone, not even Fabian.
Outside, it started to pour.
A/N: I had Adele's 'when we were young' stuck in my head for the entire tme I wrote this. Also, I think this is the longest chapter I have ever ever written in my life. And, I wrote it all in one sitting, like literally, yesterday. SO SORRY OVER THE FACT THAT THE LAST TIME I UPDATED WAS IN OCTOBER WHAT EVEN IS THIS TREACHERY
Anyways, I'd like to thank everyone who favourited and followed and reviewed!
gossamermouse101: lol yeah we knwo what it was
Amnesia Arsenic: thank you so much ilyyy. well, Holy Ground was updated yesterday and Dark Inside, what, two weeks ago? I dont remember oops. I know I'm not good at keeping schedules, it's just I'm crazy busy all the time as of late.
Let me know what you guys thought and, again, if you didnt get it 'cause there was soo much paragraph (come on let's be honest sometimes everyone skips paragraphs.) let me know and I'll explain. ILY.