Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

A totally non canon adventure

By Jaketheripper

Chapter 1

The first streams of dawn had crept across the horizon when Fadron roused everyone from sleep, "you guys said Crack of dawn, here we are at crack of dawn."

Gandalf nodded and sat up in his sleeping bag.

The group had made good headway towards their goal, Fadron cutting off any attempts made by the ring to corrupt or influence party members, "Ash naz yourself. You musty fuck." He would say as he sprinkled iron dust over the party member in question, usually Frodo.

Peony watched thoughtfully as he did this, "babe, I just thought about something...this ring is basically a Phylactery for Sauron's soul."

Fadron's jaw opened, "you're right! It is! SHIT, I wish we'd brought simon with us."

Peony shook her head, "He'd only be able to turn the ring into a sandwich...wait.. if we could eat it..."

Frodo looked extremely amused, "turn the Ring into a sandwich and eat it? Wherever do you get these ideas?"

Gallend laughed, "Its how we destroyed the last Lich we came across."

In the midst of this explaination, a scream echoed from over the horizon, which prompted swift action from Legolas.

"Oh! We're in Rohan, I had no idea...there's a village under attack!"

Fadron picked up his shield and his wife, "lets deal with that, then!"

Everyone got ready and followed Fadron into town where Uruks were running amok, killing and burning at will.

Fadron roared in anger, using Misty step to teleport between an orc and his victim, "NO!" He stuck the orc through his chest plate, dislodging the sword with his weapon bond, causing the sword to fly back into his hand.

The rest of the party joined him shortly and together as one they swiftly cleared out the town, saving a few desperate villagers who thanked them profusely and then asked for an escourt to Meduseld where they would be safe.

Fadron looked to the fellowship, "they need our help, I know haste is the name of the game, but...its just a short walk, right?"

The villager nods, "aye, sirs, About a days walk."

Gandalf huffs, "where are the Rohirrim? The Riders of Rohan should have addressed the threat..."

The villager sighs, "I heard tell that Theoden King has fallen ill and banished the Riders...some say he's senile."

Gandalf's brow furrows, "Theoden King is not so old as to be senile."

The villager shrugs, "will ye please escourt us to the castle? You can take it up with the king himself."

Gandalf nods and Fadron pumps his fist, "sweet! Side quest!"

And without much issue, the fellowship began to escourt the village towards the city surrounding the king's castle.

Once there, Gandalf looks worried, "whats up?" Asks Gallend as he swigs more elf cider, "I sense...Saruman's hand in the king's sudden illness...its in the air around here..."

Aragorn walks up to Gandalf, "then let us help him."

Gandalf looks a bit hesitant, "But the ring..."

Aragorn sighs, "The world of men is in peril, we are very nearly there, a small delay will not be the end of it."

Gandalf sighs, "very well, let us go see Theoden King."

The party are stopped at the front door by guardsmen, "by the order of Th...of Grima Wormtongue."

Fadron let out a sardonic chuckle, "taking orders from the steward it sounds like...tell me, where are your balls?"

Gandalf shushes him and tries to enter only to be stopped, The guard still hesitated. 'Your staff,' he said to Gandalf. 'Forgive me, but that too must be left at the doors.'

'Foolishness!' said Gandalf... 'I am old. If I may not lean on my stick as I go, then I will sit out here, until it pleases Théoden to hobble out himself to speak with me.'

Aragorn laughed. 'Every man has something too dear to trust to another. But would you part an old man from his support?'...

'The staff in the hand of a wizard may be more than a prop for age,' said the guard. He looked hard at the ash-staff on which Gandalf leaned. 'Yet... I believe you are friends... You may go in.'

And so they did, venturing into the keep, much to gandalf's dismay, seeing not Theoden King on the throne, but a wizened old man, foggy eyed and wiry haired, sitting and barely being able to breathe upon the throne.

Immediatley Fadron and Gandalf spotted a spell of some sort, as a sniveling little man whispered into the king's ear

"Theoden King..." Gandalf walked in, "the courtesy of your hall has lessened as of late."

"And...why..." croaked the king, "should I welcome you? Gandalf Stormcrow?"

Grima muttered some more before standing up to address the party, "Late is the hour in which this conjurer chooses to appear. Lathspell I name him. Ill news is in ill guest."

Gandalf tapped his staff angrily, "Be silent! Keep your forked tongue behind you teeth. I have not passed through these lands to bandy crooked words with a witless worm!"

Grima sees his staff, "I TOLD you to take his STAFF, HAMA!"

The guards suddenly descend upon the party, who beat the shit out of them with their bare hands as Gandalf approaches Theoden.

"Theoden, Son of Thengel, too long have you sat in the shadows..."

Grima tries to escape only for Fadron to pick him up and slam him against the floor, "stay put, slug boy!"

Gandalf continues his approach, "Harken to me...I release you ...from the spell..."

There's a long silence, then Theoden begins to choke out disjointed laughter, "you have no power here, Gandalf the grey!"

Gandalf growls, pointing his staff, "I will draw you saruman, as if drawing poison from a wound!"

Theoden is thrust back against his throne as Gandalf struggles with the will of Saruman!

Seeing this struggle, Fadron approaches and sprinkles Iron Dust over Theoden's head

"By the iron in my body..."

Theoden growls in Saruman's voice, "If I go, Theoden dies!"

"And the water in...yours..." Fadron falters, gandalf looks at him, "He did not kill me, he will not kill Theoden! Complete the spell!"

Fadron nodded and completed the ritual, "I protect your mind from the voice of evil."

Theoden launches himself at Gandalf only to be smacked in the face by Fadron, who caught a brief vision of Saruman being thrown across his scrying toom in his tower!

Gandalf leaned on his staff with a groan as Fadron inspected his worn down index and thumb fingertips, "this is really taking its toll on me..."

He looks up at Theoden to see that the old man didnt look so old suddenly, instead resembling a man in his late 50s, "holy hell! Ive never seen an enfeeblement spell go this far!"

Gandalf smiled, still looking tired, "Thank you for helping me, Fadron...that took more than I anticipated."

Fadron nodded to Gandalf, "it always does."

A girl rushes across the room to Theoden who sighs, "Dark have been my dreams of late..."

Grima squeaked as Peony drew her swords and sat on his chest, Theoden looks at his hands as he stands up.

"Perhaps your hands would remember their old strength better if they held your sword."

Hama rushed over holding Theoden's sword, which he took, and began to walk towards Grima, who Peony wouldn't let move.

"Your spells would have had me crawling on all fours like a BEAST!"

"I have only ever served you, my Lord!"

Peony put her blades to his throat as he struggled once more to stand, "why're you running then?"

Theoden looked down at Peony, "let him up, little one, a man deserves to die on his feet."

Peony gets off him and Grima starts to plead, "Please Lord...oh pleaee..."

Theoden roars with a vigor that surprises Fadron, "ON YOUR FEET, GRIMA!"

Aragorn moves to intervene but Gallend stops him, "I dont care if you're a king in hiding, let the man have his vengeance, even my god has a limit to his mercy."

"Send me not from your sight..." whimpered Grima as Theoden king raised his sword and took his vengance.

After Peony had gotten well out of the way.

After that was over, Theoden took some time to greive for his dead son who he didn't know was dead because of the spell.

Then gandalf and Aragorn discussed plans to fight the attacks from Isengard when Theoden said, "we will go to Helms deep, there we will be safe."

Fadron looked over at Gandalf, "Helms deep?"

Gandalf sighs, "Helms Deep is an ancient, nigh impregnable fortress deep in the mountains, its got only one weakness...that and there's only one way out."

Fadron nodded, "Sounds like a plan to get the women and children safe...what about...the fighting?"

Aragorn groans, "the fighting will come to them, as the forces of Isengard march on Helms deep."

Fadron shrugs, "I'm seeing a problem I can hit super hard, your party together with mine, we'll win the day, we always have."

Merry and Pippin, currently taking part of Gallend's cider, spring into song, "We always have, we always will, and the enemy fears us still." They laugh as they sit down, only for the feeling of the mood to crush their high spirits.

"Well...I suppose it cannot be helped...we must call the Rohirrim." Says Gandalf

Theoden groans, "they must be Thirty leagues away by now!"

Gandalf winks at Theoden, "I will retrieve them, await my coming as I bring the salvation of Rohan."

"Please, let me ride with you, perhaps we can bring help from Minas Tirith as well." Offers Faramir, Gandalf thinks for but a second, "if it is a hasty request for help, then you mah come with me."

Gandalf leaves with Faramir, leaving the rest of the fellowship to make preparations for their journey to Helms deep.

A day or so later, at the gates, Peony gasped as Frodo faltered, the Ring suddenly weighing heavy.

"Oh no..." frodo looks up at Fadron, "your spell!" Fadron looks down at Frodo, "should still work! Whats the matter?"

Frodo tries to lift his head, "its so heavy..."

Fadron places his hand under it and lifts up, allowing Frodo to lift his head, "weird...it can change it's density, what does that mean?"

Aragorn sighs as they enter Helms Deep, "it can't mean anything good."

"Mr. Frodo..." sam looks worried, "Anything I can do?"

There's shouting from the keep as war horns sound in the distance

It was not an attacking force, but the elves who had come to aid Rohan at the behest of Elrond and Galadriel.

Not long after that, harsher war horns could be heard

"Get the women and children into the keep! We must defend the wall!" Shouts one of the guard.

It was not too long after the fellowship had set up on the walls that Fadron saw the massive weakness in the wall, "Thats bad."

Everyone looked at Fadron, what's bad?"

Fadron gestured to the massive hole in the wall, "I know where I'm sitting then, while you all fight on the battlements, I will be right here, keeping this weakness from destroying the wall."

Legolas looks at the hole in the bottom of the wall, "what do you mean?"

Peony holds up a hand, "no, he's rignt, one explosive and it all comes down, he'll be needed down there."

Fadron hops down from the top of the wall and positions himself inside the drain, awaiting the horde of uruk-hai who chant and grunt and growl until someone lets an arrow slip and sends the battlefield into chaos!

Orcs rush Fadron, beating against his shield like animals given clubs, but not shaking the titanic defender! As the fight progressed, he felt the drain fill in behind him, pushing him out as an exasperated Gallend used a scroll of stone shape to get him into the main fight!

Fadron then began to push the uruks back with a fusion of magic and furious physical attacks with his burning enchanted blade! Shapeshifting to the size of a giant as he simply began to stomp on the uruks!

Their trump card strategy now useless, the forces of isengard began their retreat under the foot of a massive metal man.

That is until a horrid shriek drowned out the victorious cries of the men behind the wall.

Over the hill in the distance came a mass of Mordor orcs led by the 9, Nazgul in full battle armor with swords held high, and above them flew something Fadron could only compare to a dragon, rode by another wraith in different armor.

The defenders of Helms deep began to falter then, but not Fadron, who bellowed a hearty challenge at the new force!

"I kicked your asses before! Come meet my bum tickler!" He brandishes his sword in defiance!

The massive dragon did a pass over Fadron, he felt an arrow plink off his armor, "good shot, wrong target!" He let loose with a 6th level witchbolt, causing the dragon mount to falter and fly back over the army, which was tripping over the retreating uruks!

The 9 rode past Fadron to the base of the wall, shrieking and attempting to strike fear into the men therein only to have four of them get hit at once, one glowing arrow each caused their armor to crumble, falling from their mounts.

"Thats what good pussy sounds like!" Laughed Peony, Legolas looks down at her, "what manner of enchantment does your bow posess?"

She crouched back behind the wall to knock more arrows, the men and elves being emboldened by her ability, began to fire at the 9 as well, hailing arrows on their mounte from above, "If undead creatures can't see me, the bow kills them instantly."

Legolas grins widely, "then this day is far from lost." Aragorn pointed out on to the field, "but not yet won, look!" the now 5 out of 9 rushed back to the front of their army which had rallied with what remained of the uruks and formed a new stronger front.

The enemy army was suddenly further emboldened as Fadron began to shrink, "shit...has it been an hour already? DAMN IT! Im all out of magic!" He made a beeline for the wall and managed to vault onto it before he'd shrunk back to his normal size.

"Hey guys, looks like I'm out of magic...I need to take a short break to recharge, think you can hold down the fort?"

Gallend takes a drink of his cider snd spits it into the air, "BAHAMUT! send me aid in my time of need!"

The air with the alchohol vapor began to shimmer as Gallend's spirit guardian and the phantom weapon appeared at the base of the wall, "send a protector to keep this wall safe!"

As the Nazgul come by for another pass, the air blazes in a blast of white light! In that light there appears a feathered winged serpent that hisses as it collides with one of the Nazgul!

The entire defending force cheers hapilly as the force once more falters!

That is until the weird dragon mount lands on the wall, whipping about and eating Soldiers!

Peony drew her bow only to be caught in the shoulder by a black arrow!

"PEONY!" Fadron held up his shield against the mace of the Nazgul leader! Gallend hissing as he cast turn undead only for the Nazgul to knock him off the wall!

"BRING ME FRODO!" Bellows the leader, his hands held high!

Madeye took this opportunity to fly straight into the leader's face, batting his wings angrily, boxing the Witch King's ears as he claws and bites at the substance beneath his helmet!

"BAUGH! BAUGH! BAUGH!"

Swatting at the creature who so deftly avoided his hands, the Leader of the Nazgul didn't notice the force mounting the hill behind them, it was the Rohirrim! And behind them rode a contingent from Gondor lead by both Boromir and Faramir together!

Finally the leader swatted Madeye away long enough to look at what the noise was, "Mithrandir..." he growled, taking flight and steering his steed towards the oncoming force!

To be continued...