"Sing it for me, baby; singing me to sleep,

Singing don't love the bottle but the bottle loves me. "

The sandwich didn't have much of a taste. Not anymore.

Just forcing myself to eat it made my guilt grow. I didn't want to eat it. I didn't want to stay here, in the middle of the sea- lost- and I especially didn't want these people to stay with me after I nearly got us all killed. They shouldn't bother themselves with me. They shouldn't trust me, believe in me. They shouldn't want to help me anymore.

Misty has her water pokēmon. Blue has his Gyarados. They can easily take Brock with them and go, leaving me out here to fend for myself. It would be no less than what I deserved.

But… they're stubborn.

Which is why I have to run away. I can't waste anymore of their time or resources or kindness than what I've already done. It was my fault we were trapped, and since it was my fault I have to make sure such a thing never happens again. Maybe Brock was right- I do feel responsible for certain things when I shouldn't, but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't feel responsible for something I caused.

Growing up, I've hurt a lot of people- and even more pokēmon.

Because of my reluctance to fight, because of my desire to learn and observe so I could eventually break free, and because of my inability to do anything other survive. Infants and toddlers I've failed to nurse back to health, pokēmon who were hurt and killed and experimented on because I was simply kind to them. Children who I let hurt me, because if I didn't they themselves would be hurt. Lives that were lost, and all because I made the most powerful pokēmon in the world realize it was being lied to.

I'm not… a good person. I want to be, I try to be, but I'm not.

Every time I tried to show kindness, it backfired. It hurt. It killed. There was no justifying or defending that. And because of a promise I made and my emotional attachment to a stone, the foolish child in me desperately wanting to keep that promise, having spent all these years protecting it and relying on it, I… nearly lost the lives of the people who should matter most to me.

They were real, after all. They were alive and in front of me.

Brock and Blue weren't faded memories.

They were warm and breathing and so, so very precious. I should have put them first, instead of recklessly chasing after a cracked dawn stone that couldn't even be used for evolution. I'm not strong, I'm not kind; I'm pathetic and weak and dangerous. I can't be trusted. I can't be helped. All I can do is survive, taking down everyone and everything in my path- whether I meant to do so or not.

Even if…

Even if I tried to die after… all of this was over, after Team Rocket is defeated, it… probably wouldn't even work. Something's keeping me alive.

I just wish it would stop.

At that thought, I stopped chewing. I lowered the sandwich in my hands and just stared at it blankly, expression empty and devoid of all emotion. All of this… everything that's happened… just why did it happen? What was the cause? The reasoning? What tied it all together? What even started it? I don't understand; it doesn't make sense no matter how hard I try to wrap my brain around it.

The visions and nightmares I would have- they were… real, right? So what caused those monsters, or… pokēmon, to fight like that? What made them appear? And… how did I get from there to Hoenn? I must have been in Unova, right? Everyone's saying I'm Unovan, that I looked Unovan, and that I obviously must be from Unova. But Unova and Hoenn are really far away from one a, so it doesn't make sense that I was carried from one region to the next.

Why… Rustboro, anyway? Why in front of a pokēcenter?

Why was that boy there and why… was I kidnapped by Team Rocket the next day? Why do pokēmon like me so much, and why did Mewtwo spare me? Why was Professor Oak the one to find me after the headquarters exploded- and what compelled him to take a walk that day of all days? What made Brock's father follow me around and decide to try and be there for his family, after abandoning them for so many years, so Brock would be able to finally try achieving his dream?

Why…? What connects it all?

Suddenly, a hand rested gently atop my head and I flinched, snapping out of my thoughts and looking up to see Brock staring at me with a very concerned frown. "Seriously, El, if you aren't feeling well you should try taking a nap. We got a while before we reach land.""

Forcing myself to lean away from his touch, I shook my head and took another bite of the tasteless sandwich. Brock's frown just deepened.

"You're doin' the creepy face again." Blue pointed out, scowling. "What're you thinkin' about now? It better not being somethin' stupid like blaming yourself for the ship. We've been over it- what, twice? Thrice now?" He pointed the remains of his sandwich scoldingly at me. "Stop it."

"El-" Brock started to reach a hand out again, but this time I actively recoiled away- avoiding any and all touch. He paused, surprised by my reaction, and I tried to ignore the painful wince of guilt in my chest when I saw the mild hurt on his face. "We don't… blame you for it, you know. It's okay."

Stop it. Stop saying that. It's not okay.

It's always been my fault.

Everything. I was a fool to ever believe otherwise. All I ever do is hurt people.

For once, I just want to hurt the right people.

Curling further away from everyone, I forced myself to finish the sandwich, not wanting to talk. If I talked, they would do their best to console me- and that wasn't what I needed right now. I have to start cutting myself off from them, distancing myself so that the separation will go by easier. If I act cold now, then they won't chase after me later. I don't need to be consoled. I just need them safe.

"El-" Brock began again.

"No." I curled my knees up close to my chest, wrapping my arms around myself and resting my chin on my arms. I stared tiredly into the endless sea, wondering just how long this ride was going to last. Being surrounded by all this water was making me sick to the stomach. I wanted to throw up the sandwich I just ate. "Just… Just stop. Okay? I-I don't… I don't want to hear it."

"...It wasn't your fault."

The slow drifting to the nearest piece of land became a quiet ride after that. Misty seemed incredibly awkward, wondering if these arguments and my bouts of emotions were normal for this group, and scooted over to sit closer to Blue to try and get away from the uncomfortable tension. The boy raised a brow at her, but didn't comment as he reached over to give Gyarados an encouraging pat on the back.

"You're doin' great, buddy." He told it.

"Graaaooooh!"

After what felt like eternity- though was probably actually only three hours- we ended up washing ashore on the beach south of Fuschia City. As Blue fed Gyarados some berries and summoned the pokēmon back into its pokēball, several fishermen and swimmers looked over at us in alarm and surprise. Misty happily leapt off the make-shift raft and threw herself at the sand, squealing.

"Land! We finally made it! Haha!" She rolled in it for a few seconds, before sitting up and tossing her hands in the air. "We're actually alive! Man, am I glad I built that S.S Anne model forever ago! Who knew it would come in handing trying to escape a sunken ship, huh?" Misty flashed us all a playful wink, hands on her waist. "All we need now is to find the pokēcenter! My hair is in dire need of a wash."

"What," Blue snorted, walking over to her, "the sea salt wasn't good enough for you?"

"Hmph. Shows what you know." Misty struck a haughty pose, giving her one pigtail a little flip. "Beauties like me have to take very special care of our hair. How else do you think we make it so soft and nice-smelling?"

"Shampoo."

Misty just clicked her tongue at him. "You're not funny."

"Eh. I disagree." A grin curled across his lips. "I think I'm hilarious."

Brock shook his head at the two and carefully stepped off the raft, but not before waiting to make sure I had crawled my way onto the sand safely. I refused to stand on that awful thing and wind up back in the water. "You good, El?"

"I'm fine."

"...Okay. I'm just… worried, you know."

I tried to hide a flinch at that. Tightly grabbing the straps of my backup, I moved to stand up and quickly began walking towards what looked to be the direction of the main city. "L-Let's just hurry to the pokēcenter. It's gonna get dark soon."

Misty, Blue, and Brock all shared concerned glances before following after.

As it turns out, the pokēcenter was practically next door to the Fuschia City gym. Once inside, Nurse Joy provided us with a room and tended to our pokēmon, and Chancey handed us some clothes from the lost-and-found to change into while we put our main outfits in the wash.

Misty was the first to shower, with me going second and Blue third. Once it was Brock's turn, Blue headed out into the pokēcenter lobby to update his grandfather on how we were doing while Misty went ahead and started eating in the cafeteria.

As I waited silently for Brock to get done in the bathroom I sat on one of the bunkbeds and let Ruby and Sapphire play with my hands, Basil, Belladonna, and Ansem snoring peacefully as they napped near the foot of the bed, exhausted from the stress of the shipwreck and from the big battle against all the Team Rocket goons. My chest still hurt, the gaping loneliness growing larger and threatening to envelop me whole, but… this helped me ignore it- if only a little bit.

Seeing the two mismatching Vulpix nibble and paw at my fingers and arms was… calming.

They had grown quite a bit already during the short time they've been out of their eggs. I think they were almost at the normal size for most Vulpix. Their fangs and claws didn't really hurt at all, though part of that was probably simply because I had no feeling whatsoever in my left arm. If they did hurt, I wouldn't be able to tell. But judging by the teeth digging into my right hand- they were like little kitten teeth.

Aww. Just look at Ruby pawing at my arm with her hind legs while she holds my right hand captive. So precious. Sapphire was determined to catch my left hand as I rubbed her belly.

The bathroom door let out a small click as it opened and Brock walked out, a towel wrapped loosely around his shoulders as he made his way to the bunk bed opposite of mine. Sitting down in the bed, he pulled a brush out of his backpack and summoned his Vulpix- cooing at her before pulling her into his lap so he could comb her fur.

Pleased with the pampering, his Vulpix let out a loud purr and nuzzled her face against his chest. Brock's face lit up and he cooed again, a goofy smile on his lips. "You like being brushed, don't you? Such a good girl! Such a pretty girl!"

"Vulpix, Vul!" Letting out a small mew, the pokēmon leaned upwards and nuzzled her nose against his neck, tickling him and causing Brock to giggle. "Vulpix!"

Pausing in the brushing, Brock carefully lifted Vulpix into his arms and gave her a little smooch on the forehead. "I'm so happy you're traveling with me! Although…" He glanced over at Ruby and Sapphire- who were still batting and nibbling my hands. "It feels kind of odd that you don't have a nickname when your sisters do." He looked down at Vulpix and I glanced up at him out of the corner of my eye, trying not to make my curiosity too obvious. "Do you want a nickname?"

"Vulpix!"

Brock grinned. "Alright then… the question now is; what to name you? Maybe… oh!" His face lit up and he carefully booped his index finger against her nose. "I'll name you "Susie"! That's the name of my pokēmon breeding idol- and, to top it all off, she has a Vulpix too! I may be planning to be a pokēmon doctor now, but I'm gonna raise you to be the prettiest Vulpix in the world! What do you think? Wanna be called Susie?"

Vulpix- or, rather, Susie let out a tiny mew in cheer, holding her paws out and giving Brock's chin an affectionate lick. It would seem he had her approval.

Susie, Sapphire, and Ruby.

It's cute. The name Susie was perfect for her. I want… to tell him that, but…

I can't. I have to avoid getting any closer to Brock and Blue. I don't want to burden them anymore. I don't want to hurt them.

I… did have to wonder though- what is it like, having an idol? Having someone to look up to and wanting to be like them, or even being the person that's looked up to? It seemed like such a normal thing to have.

Growing up, kids are supposed to have role models. Idols to admire, to aspire to be like, and hoping to grow up similar to them.

But… that's not something I've ever been privy to. I've only had examples of who and what I didn't want to be. I've never had an idol or role model, and… if I'm being honest, I don't think I ever will.

Adrien still has that chance, though.

I leaned over to give Ruby and Sapphire some scritches behind their ears and under their chin, intent on distracting myself and showering them with some more affection, but it was at that moment the door slammed open- Blue barging into the room with a fire in his eyes and a large smirk spread across his face. "El, Let me borrow Ansem for a bit! Talking with my gramps gave me an idea!"

I blinked. "Uh… okay."

That was random. His loud shout had startled not only me, but all of my pokémon. It even woke up the Eevee in question, Ansem groggily looking up at Blue with big eyes.

Confused, I tilted my head and asked, "What do you want with him?"

I didn't think it was possible, but Blue's smirk became even wider. The boy stood up straight, slicking his bangs back with mischievous brown eyes. "I'm gonna teach him how to Dig."

Oh. Wait, what?

"You're gonna teach him to Dig? How? That's a ground-type move, Eevees can't…" I began to trail off, realization dawning, and I whirled my head around to look down at Ansem. "They can't use Dig unless it's through a TM move." I looked back up at Blue. "You're gonna tutor him?"

"Yup! Because I'm just that nice," Blue leaned against the doorframe and crossed his arms over his chest, the haughty arrogance practically radiating off of his form, "and I know that you're probably fretting about it, I'm gonna make sure you can go into the gym without worry. And, this way, we don't have to risk Belladonna. She's a sweetie, but as tough as she is, she'll get really hurt from Kōga's poison."

Belladonna perked up at that, blinking her lashes at Blue, before bashfully hiding her face behind her leaves. She was clearly flustered from the compliment- especially since it was from Blue… who wasn't really in the habit of showering praise. Ansem bounced up onto his paws upon hearing Blue's declaration, excited to learn a new battle move, and more than ready to take the spotlight to protect his friend.

"So get your butts and your pokémon out into the backyard!" Blue exclaimed. "It's training time!"

I… I don't want to receive anymore of his help, just to turn my back on him later, but… we need the gym badges. It also doesn't sound like I have much of a choice in refusing the help, and doing so would only really cause suspicion. If they get suspicious, they'll figure out my plan.

That… can't happen.

Otherwise I… I won't be able to make myself run away. I'll be pulled into them and their warmth again. It's become so easy to just fall into their arms, to sink into the gentle lies of comfort and friendship. But friends don't put their friends at risk- they don't choose a memory over their lives.

Reluctant and full of guilt, I picked Sapphire and Ruby up and followed Blue outside, Brock carrying Susie as Ansem, Basil, and Belladonna walked after me from behind. When we reached the outside, Ansem was told to sit down in a big grassy spot in the backyard of the pokēcenter.

Blue placed his hands on his hips and flashed the normal-type pokēmon a big grin. "Okay, Ansem! You wanna help El get that Soul Badge, don't you?"

Ansem blinked, then sat up straight- raising his chin up and barking loudly. "Evaa!"

"Then I'm gonna teach you a new move! You see that dirt in front of you? I want you to try digging your way through the ground and back to the surface again. And don't stop until you've made it out in front of me! Got it?"

"Eeevaaa!" Ansem roared, jumping up onto all fours and then growling at the dirt. He wasted no time in clawing at the grassy ground. "Eva! Veeva vee! Evaaaaaaa!"

Plopping down on the grass, I crossed my legs and let Ruby and Sapphire climb onto my lap after I set them down- the two Vulpix watching Ansem dig for a few minutes before growing bored and playing with my hands again. Dirt was being tossed everywhere as Ansem forced his way deeper into the ground, and somewhere along the way Brock took a seat next to me, Susie held in his arms. I tried not to pay too much attention to the fact that his Vulpix already has six tails while mine only had three.

Blue was still standing, coaching Ansem all the while. "You almost got it, big guy! Come on! Just a little more! Faster!"

"Evvvvaaaaaaaaaa!"

I couldn't even see the tip of his tail anymore. Ansem was completely underground. If he wasn't roaring so loud, I doubted I'd be able to hear him as well as I could. All I could see was the pile of dirt he had kicked up. Maybe twenty, twenty-five minutes had passed before Ansem had managed to dig his way back up to the surface, just in front of Blue's feet. The Eevee popped his head up and took a deep breath, then barked. Blue smirked.

"Good job, squirt. Now- do it again over there and even faster."

"Eva!?" Ansem scrunched up his face. Just before he pulled himself out and shook his mane free of dirt, he looked up with fiery red eyes- more determined than ever. "Eva!"

"Hey, El!" Blue suddenly called. I blinked and looked over, unperturbed by the Vulpix as they both bit hard on my palm and fingers. Their fangs actually nicked me a little this time. "Why not have Ruby and Sapphire try? Vulpix should be able to learn the move Dig like Eevee can."

"I…" I don't want them to fight just yet. "I think that'd be up to them."

Ruby and Sapphire, still nomming on my hands, stopped in their playfight when they heard themselves being talked about. They slowly pulled away and sat up, looking at me and then at Blue. "Vulpi?"

"Vul?"

Blue grinned at them. "You two wanna learn how to Dig? It'll make ya stronger."

Ruby and Sapphire shared a glance, uncertain, and it was only when Ansem barked that they started to crawl out of my lap. Brock watched with raised brows, leaning over in curiosity, and Susie started to paw at his chest to get him to set her down. Doing so, his Vulpix hurriedly bounded over to join Ruby and Sapphire over by Ansem. Blue squatted down, giving them all a quick little pat on their heads.

"Okay, so. Obviously you're gonna need a bit more training than Ansem over here, but! And this is very important; training yourselves to learn how to use this move will get you plenty of experience, and with that experience you'll grow even stronger. You'll figure out how to perform moves outside of just Dig, and you know what? It would really help your trainers out in the long run. You'll be able to defend not just yourselves, but your trainers, too!"

"Vulpi!"

"Vulpix!"

"Vul!"

Blue's grin broadened. "Heck yeah! Now that's what I like to hear."

"Eva!"

Giving Ansem a quick scratch behind the ears since he was getting jealous from all the affection towards the three Vulpix, Blue stood and placed a hand on his hip- giving the pokēmon a left-handed, two-fingered salute. "Come on now! Get those cute lil' paws of yours a'diggin'!"

…I guess this is how we're spending the rest of the day.

As it turned out, Blue's training was really efficient. By the time night started to fall and we were forced to reenter the pokēcenter by Nurse Joy, as there was a curfew for eleven o'clock, Ansem had gotten pretty skilled at using the skill Dig and had managed to slow his digging time down to two minutes, while Susie, Ruby, and Sapphire were down to ten.

I'm impressed they were even able to dig as well as they did, given that they were still freshly hatched. I guess it just goes to show that pokēmon really are more resilient than humans.

Pokēmon babies were a lot different from human babies… and, unfortunately, I really only had experience with the human kind.

Entering the bedroom we were all going to be staying in, Misty already fast asleep on the right top bunk, we discovered our clothes dried and neatly folded, resting atop the bottom bunks. Blue wasted no time in grabbing his and stuffing them into his backpack, the boy plopping down atop the left bottom bunk.

"Guess we should call it a night." Brock yawned, stretching his arms over his head. He glanced at me curiously. "You want the top or bottom? …Or do you just wanna share? 'Cause I'm fine with whatever."

He was asking because he knew I slept most comfortably curled up next to him. He knew I had less nightmares that way, basking in his warmth with the comfort of knowing he was safe and alive and that I was safe with him.

But…

Feeling a little sick to the stomach, the gaping hole in my chest growing, I swallowed down the lump in my throat and shook my head- shakily pointing up at the top left bunk. "I-I'll take the top one."

Brock paused at that, his stare a bit unnerving. He was perceptive, always able to see straight through me, always knowing what I'm thinking or trying not to feel. It left me scared.

Scared that he would figure it out.

"Okay…" The older teen stepped closer and I froze in place, keeping my gaze fixated on the floor as he gently patted the top of my head. "You don't have to hold back, you know. If you need a cuddle, you need a cuddle. Trust me, I know."

Brock flashed a small smile at that, clearly trying to be funny, but I didn't laugh. I didn't smile back. I just gave a stiff nod and forced myself over to the bed ladder, ignoring the stares of Blue and Brock and even the pokémon.

It didn't take long for Ansem to climb his way up to join me, and Sapphire and Ruby wasted no time in mimicking his actions. They struggled a little, but eventually pulled themselves up, and the three formed a little huddle around my chest and head. Basil and Belladonna used their vines to jump up, and they slept near my legs and hips.

Overall, I was surrounded- just as Misty was with her Starmie and Staryu, Brock his Geodude, Vulpix, and Zubat… the latter hanging upside down from the wooden boards from up above, and Blue his Umbreon- the only pokēmon on his team small enough to fit into the room and join him on the bed. Machamp slept on the ground beside the bed Blue was in, both guarding us all and staying near his trainer.

…The night was not a peaceful one, especially after what just happened with the S.S Anne earlier this morning.

I ended up having visions again, dreaming about the destruction. Things seemed clearer this time; I remembered more, yet so much was still so hazy. The faces of the people I knew now to be family especially so, more blurry than everything else. Their eyes I could make out- blue, like the sky, and hair dark like mine- but their actual faces I… couldn't quite make out.

They were gone. Faded. I didn't even know their names or how old they were.

But… I could see her.

That woman, with the auburn hair and hazel eyes that were more green than blue. She had so many freckles. It was her who reminded me of my name- or the start of it, at least- and who had saved me from drowning in that dark blue abyss of swirling chaos.

There had been… just… so much chaos.

I remember… flailing. Struggling. Bits of debris slashing at my limbs, and wire- or maybe thread- wrapping around my throat, nearly choking and decapitating me. Pulling it off desperately, yet not without slicing my neck and fingers as I kicked frantically at the water as it spun me out of control. I remember pain in my arms and left foot. Something piercing my shoulder- cutting straight through. A sharp stab through my right thigh.

My head… throbbing.

Suffocating.

And those monsters- black and red and blue and green and… small. I could see them more clearly now, remember them more clearly, but that only made the nightmare more terrifying as it was all so much more vivid. I don't think I focused much on the red monster, but the blue one and the small green one I remembered most.

Such… fierce glowing yellow eyes- determined to destroy and dominate and create, uncaring of those that fell in its wake. Then… a creature so small compared to these monsters, these deadly pokēmon that surrounded us, with blue eyes full of fear and concern and… surprise.

Yes. Yes, it had been surprised.

I reached out to it as me and my… sister fell into the dark vortex the monstrous pokēmon came out of, and… it looked at us. At me. I was unable to touch it, but eye contact had been made, and then we had been swallowed into black nothingness.

Bleeding. Coughing. Choking.

Such darkness. Such… cold.

Were we floating…? Were we falling…?

My body felt numb. It was so hard to stay awake.

And then… the black monster returned. Behind it was the long green one and the red and blue monsters- yet the red and blue ones weren't… moving. They were… stone. Trapped in the green monster's hold. The black monster hovered in front of me and my sister, and as my vision began to fade, I remember… landing on something.

No, I remember being caught. I remember thinking the black monster's crimson eyes were just as piercing and scary as the blue monster's golden ones. I remember it leaning in close, seemingly enraged, before the little green one appeared.

It hovered in front of us, screeching defensively, protectively, and I looked at the person collapsed on my right. Her entire stomach was covered in red- and not from her clothes. So much blood was seeping out of her body when it shouldn't be. She was… dying.

And I…

I was, too.

And in my last moments of consciousness, I remember reaching out to grab her hand- the hand that had worked so hard to try and save me despite her own paralyzing fear of drowning. My sister. My big sister. My…

Maia.

I held her larger hand so tightly, even as all my strength left me. Tears were falling, hot against my face as I struggled to remain breathing. I squeezed her limp fingers, and tried to move closer- before all my strength left me, and… I collapsed, breathing my last.

I… had died.

I had died, just like that, as did she.

I awoke, shuddering and shivering, gasping for breath atop the bunk bed in the pokēcenter. My pokémon stirred awake at the disruption, sensing my emotions in turmoil, and I choked- a strangled sob breaking through despite my best efforts to shut it down.

As if on instinct, I scrambled off the bunk bed and slid down the ladder, stumbling over to my backpack and wheezing, trying to silence my cries and hiccups as I fumbled for the dawn stone buried inside.

It's not real.

There was no way that was real.

It's not. It's not, it can't be, it's not, it doesn't make sense. It's not.

I hunched over and clasped the stone in between my palms, fingers laced together as I curled over my backpack and pressed my hands to my forehead, squeezing my eyes shut as I clung to the stone with everything I had, muttering quietly to myself repeatedly that I was fine and that it was okay because the dream wasn't real. It can't be real.

I'm not dead.

I'm not dead, I'm not, I'm here, I've always been here, I'm alive, I didn't die, it's impossible for me to have died when I'm right here. It's just a nightmare.

A nightmare mixed with my lost memories.

That's all it is.

I didn't die.

I'm okay. I'm fine. It's okay.

Shuddering and sniffling, I took a few more shaky breaths, trying to calm down, and struggled to zip up my backpack. Standing was even harder, and when I hurriedly glanced around to make sure I didn't wake anybody I failed to notice a pair of brown eyes watching me as I climbed back up to the top bunk, curling against the wall with the dawn stone close to my chest.

Hearing my two Vulpix let out some concerned mews, feeling Ansem nuzzling his face into the side of my neck in concern, I squeezed my eyes shut tightly and curled into an even smaller ball.

"I-I'm okay." I told them, my voice a soft whimper. "I'm okay. I'm… okay."

Ruby and Sapphire weren't so sure they agreed with me, and curled up with Ansem against my back to comfort me. Basil and Belladonna hugged my legs with their arms and vines, the Ivysaur letting out a tiny sad roar.

"I'm okay."

Swallowing thickly, I opened my hands just enough to look at the dawn stone again.

"I have to be…"

There wasn't time to be upset. There wasn't time to process my emotions or try and figure out what these strange visions or nightmares meant. I didn't have the luxury to waste time trying to… to figure out who I am or what I was feeling and what I was going to do after defeating Team Rocket. I couldn't. I just have to survive and get stronger.

I have to get the gym badges. I have to let go of Brock and Blue.

I can't do it anymore.

I can't listen to their pretty lies. I'm tired of getting them hurt.

"Evaaa…?"

I'm tired of my love killing people. Again and again and again. I can't be kind, I can't be human, I can't be a friend. All I can do is keeping going, until Team Rocket is defeated and Adrien- alongside all the other kids and pokēmon- are safe. After that, then… what? Will there even be a reason for me to remain in existence? I choked up, whimpering with the stone close to my face, softly sobbing.

I don't want to die.

Not again.

I'm so tired of all of this.

Why am I still trying?

I just want it to end.

Everything hurts.

I'm scared. I don't know what to do. I want to run away, I don't want to run away. I want to stay with Brock and Blue, I want to leave them behind. I want them safe. They're safer with me, they're in more danger with me. I can't protect them, I have to protect them. I don't… I can't… it hurts! Everything hurts. My head is splitting, my chest is tight and empty and cold and gaping, and there are too many emotions and thoughts conflicting and I can't do this anymore.

I don't want to die.

But… at the same time…

I wish the world would just end me already.

"Hey." The voice startled me so hard I actually hit my head against the wood of the bunkbed, nearly dropping my stone as I let out a tiny yelp and rolled onto my side, groaning as I rested my wrists against my now throbbing forehead, bruised eye even more irritated now. My pokēmon squeaked and moved out of the way, then returned to my side when I started to sit up, sniffling and looking over to see who jump-scared me. Blue frowned deeply, clearly disturbed, and I tensed, more than a little horrified at what was happening. "Scoot over, squirt."

"Wh-What?"

He didn't give me time for my brain to register what he was saying. Blue was already climbing up onto the top bunk, and I scooted away in alarm, lost and confused as to what he was doing. I watched as he laid down, rolling onto his side and sneaking an arm under one of the pillows, the boy hesitating for a moment before awkwardly patting the spot beside him. "Well? Hurry it up. You had a nightmare, right?"

I stared, something about this leaving me speechless. "...What?"

He rolled his eyes at me. "Either get over here now before I start regretting my decision or I'm heading back to my bunk. Worse, actually; I'll wake up Brock. Then you have to deal with his… mothering." Blue made a face as he said that last part, waving his hand. When I made no act to move, he fixed his stare on me again. "Are you just gonna sit there all night?"

This… This is weird.

Also… familiar, in a way. It reminded me of an old memory. Regardless, even if it did stir up old thoughts from the past, there's no way I can go along with it. I have to refuse. I have to tell him to go back to his own bunk. I've made my decision; I can't let myself get closer to him. I can't accept his help or kindness anymore.

It'll just make things harder in the end, the betrayal more painful.

My pokēmon had other plans, though, given the strong way they were nudging me- Ansem and Basil especially- to get me to move. I hesitated, glancing at them and then at Blue, wide eyed and afraid, vulnerable, and I lowered my head with a shaky inhale of breath before squeezing my eyes shut and forcing myself to crawl over to the boy.

I settled in next to him, back to his chest as I was unable to make myself look at him, and it took all I had not to start crying again when his arm draped over me- warm and comforting and safe. Ruby, Sapphire, and Ansem curled near me, while Basil and Belladonna moved closer to Blue. They were clearly intent on not letting us escape, and Umbreon, judging by her stern red gaze, having taken up guard near the foot of the bed by the ladder, was just as determined.

Anxious and trying not to let myself fall into the trap that was his friendship, I fiddled with my stone- running my fingers across the rims and edges and cracks, lips drawn shut.

"...It really wasn't your fault, kid." Blue said quietly, voice a whisper. My fingers stopped moving. "And… Brock and I aren't gonna let anythin' happen to ya. Misty either."

I know that. Why do you think I have to let you go? It's too dangerous keeping you near me.

"...What's your favorite color?" He suddenly asked, changing the subject.

"...What?" That actually got me to try and look at him from over my shoulder. Shifting slightly, I gave him a weird look. "Why?"

Blue just grinned. "Come on, answer it. Or you do not know that either?"

I scowled and laid back down, unimpressed by his attitude. "I-I don't know… blue, maybe?"

"Aw, shucks, you flatter me, squirt."

I gave him a light kick in the leg. He just snorted and laughed. I think I heard Brock's mattress creak a bit from below us. There was amusement in Blue's voice when he spoke again. "You know I'm messing with you, El. Seriously, though. Why blue?"

"...I-I dunno." I started to fiddle with the dawn stone again, flustered by the random questions. "It's just… pretty. Scary, I guess, the… darker it is, but… I don't know; it's just pretty. Like the sky. Like… the dawn stone. The person I made the promise with had blue eyes, too, and… I remember thinking they were pretty."

"...That's fair. I kinda like purple myself, but blue ain't a bad color. I guess it'd be my second favorite, if I had to choose. Black third."

"...Black is nice."

"Yeah?"

I gave a small nod, slowly starting to relax. My breathing began to ease into a normal pace, almost moving in time to Blue's own breaths. "Yeah. It goes with everything. I think lighter blues are my favorite, though."

"Okay, okay. Next question. What do you like?"

"...What I like?"

"Yeah, you know. Just… random stuff. I like battling. I like researching pokēmon. Stuff like that."

He's asking all the hard questions tonight, I see. Furrowing my brows, I tried to think of an answer. We weren't even really whispering anymore, just sort of talking now. I'm amazed Brock and Misty haven't woken up. Or maybe they have, and were just sort of listening. Hopefully not. That'd be weird. "...I like Brock?"

"What?"

"I like you, too."

"Oh." Blue then scowled, flicking me on the nose. It was hard to tell in this darkness, but his cheeks almost looked pink. "That's not what I meant and you know it, ya weirdo."

"W-Well, I-I dunno what I like, okay!? I-I like you and Brock and Ansem and Basil and Bella, and all the other pokēmon, a-and Professor Oak and Yuna, and… I dunno!"

"Just say something that doesn't involve people or pokēmon."

"Um…" I buried my face in the pillow, frustrated. "I… ugh. I don't know, okay? I like dawn stones!"

"You're thinking too hard about it." He said. "And dawn stones don't count."

Even more frustrated, I rolled onto my other side to face him, sending him a glare. "I don't know what I like!"

"Just calm down." Blue shifted to get a little more comfortable, but didn't remove his arm from around me. "Close your eyes and just… imagine it, okay? You've never been outside until recently, right? Is there anything you find particularly nice about it? The birds, the grass, the flowers-? Literally anything. It can be as simple as the clouds in the sky. Heck, I like watching the clouds in the sky sometimes. Pidgeot is my main for a reason. So go on- close your eyes. Remember what first caught your attention. What intrigued you most?"

Doing as told despite the increasing urge to kick his leg again, I tried to remember the first time I really paid attention to the outside after I had escaped. I remembered looking around Pallet Town in awe, baffled by the all the people and pokēmon living their lives. The bicycles. The singing birds and bird-type pokēmon. The beautiful blue sky. But… I think what I liked most was…

"The flowers." They had been so colorful, just like the town. It was so unlike anything I'd seen growing up in the hideout, which had been so dark and dreary and cold- devoid of all personality, and designed to sap any sense of self from their captives. I opened my eyes, looking down at the stone resting between my palms. "I… I liked the sky a lot, but… the flowers… I liked more."

Blue thought about that. "Flowers, huh…? Think you ever had a favorite one- y'know, before everything happened?"

A… favorite flower?

For some reason, an image of one actually came to mind- and almost instinctively, I found myself curling closer to Blue as I held the dawn stone close to my chest. I gave a small nod, almost fearful to speak it in case the memory disappeared. It felt so fragile and faraway, yet close to my heart all the same. It was just a simple flower, perhaps even a plain one to some, but to me it held such a strong meaning.

"I-It…"

Blue, noticing the sudden spike in vulnerability, softened in voice. "What?"

"...I-I don't think they grow here, but…" I hesitated before answering, biting down hard on my bottom lip as I felt a fresh wave of tears try to form. "I-I think it was forget-me-nots."

It became quiet for a long moment after that.

"Well." Blue said, a bit dumbfounded. "That's a little ironic."

"I-I mean, a little? Now that you mention it? But… I-I dunno, they're blue and pretty a-and I always loved their meaning-" I cut myself, realizing exactly what it was I had just said. Always. They really were my favorite flower. Blue, seeing my startled face, just laughed. I scowled. "What?"

"Don't worry about it, squirt. But, yeah; they don't grow around here. I mean, I think you can find some near marshes and stuff, but they're more common in Unova and… maybe Kalos? We have some flowers called Asters here, though- which share a similar meaning. They look totally different, though."

"Asters…" I went deep into thought, trying to recall the flower. The more we talked, the more drowsy I was starting to feel. The warmth radiating from him was very calming. "That's… a purple one, right? With lots of petals?"

"Yuuuup."

"...Those are pretty, too, but… I like forget-me-nots more."

"Heh, yeah, figured you'd say that."

Not me almost writing a certain pokemon having golden eyes only to remember they were actually red- which you think I would know, especially since I beat Platinum AND Arceus recently, but noooope. I'm a dumb-dumb. Whoopsie. Clearly I'm a fraud. Anyway WOWZA what is going ON there? WHO'S THAT POKEMON!?

*gets eaten by a Victreebell for telling the same joke twice*

If El was a pokemon, she'd be an Eevee that's trying very hard NOT to be a Sylveon. She wants all that sweet sweet love and affection, and to give sweet sweet love and affection, but she's not allowing herself to either give nor accept it. Her pokemon know that, though, so they're pushing her towards it regardless. I remember when I was little I played a Mystery Dungeon (?) game and took the pokemon quiz, and I got a Skitty. Then a few years more recently, I played a different one. I got Bulbasaur. But I wanted Treecko as my partner because of the whole Grovyle thing (Also Treecko is my fav starter. Turtwig second). So I had to settle for being Mudkip. Dribble Drabbles. Anyway, it's four am and I need to sleep, SO! Here's a chapter. XD

I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! Let me know what you all think in the comments, and have a wonderful day/night wherever you are! Stay safe! 💕