"I think of you… I dream of you…

Evermore~!"

I never understood why they accepted me. Why they were willing to keep me by them or go out of their way to help me, when I've only ever caused trouble. I wasn't like them. I didn't grow up loved by parents, bickering with or caring for siblings. What family I'm certain I did have were dead, and I… I don't even know how to begin processing what all happened in my nightmare. I still remember it so vividly, but none of it made sense.

I ended up fiddling with the dawn stone, running my fingers along the cracks and edges, expression falling heavily into one of emptiness.

So many things had gone wrong. So many things I failed to do. So many children and even more pokēmon I failed to protect. My first memory with Team Rocket was of getting those poor Mightyena killed after I convinced them not to hurt me and they had lashed out against the Team Rocket goons to protect me. I can still remember the feeling of Mistress Augusta's electric whip when she hit me with it for the first time. Everything that happened afterwards just sealed my fate.

The punishments, the beatings, the torture.

The brainwashing.

I could never do anything to help the others. I could never do anything to help myself.

Each day I bore witness to another kid falling victim to Team Rocket's teachings, desperate to avoid getting hurt, and each day a little more of me died. As I fought to survive to the next day, I questioned why I was still trying.

Mistress Augusta and Velga could see right through me, despite it all, so there was no way I would ever have been able to carry out my original plan. They would know. Rich was the only one who felt I had any use. If he didn't brag to Giovanni so often, I never would have been transferred here to Kanto.

I never would have met Brock or Blue or even Misty.

Another day in that place, and I might have given up. I had lied to myself in such a desperate way that I made myself believe I could free everyone with my efforts alone, that my stupid plan would work, even though it had been so reckless in nature. It took freeing an abused legendary pokēmon and the deaths of so many Team Rocket members for me to finally be able to see the outside world.

If I wasn't so bad at just sticking with a plan then I would still be trapped inside the darkness, pathetic and mindless and a self-deceived marionette.

But… I'm not as weak as I used to be.

I can stand up to Richard and Velga now. I can talk back to them. I'm better than before, despite still being such a cowardly, disgusting person. All I know how to do is survive and hurt others. And… while it's deplorable, it's necessary to do so in order to take down Team Rocket.

I have to survive to defeat them.

But… I don't want to hurt the people important to me in the process. The things they say just don't make any sense. How am I supposed to not feel guilty over nearly getting them killed? Over nearly getting our pokēmon killed? The only ones getting hurt should be Team Rocket, not them. Not Blue and Brock and Misty.

They don't blame me, but they should.

They don't hate me or get mad at me, even though their hatred and rage would be justified.

They can't understand at all the things going through my head, these… emotions… that I feel, just as I can't understand the reasoning behind their endless kindness. I… I never should have let things get this far.

I should have ran away as soon as we had rescued Blue and gotten him safely to Bill's house. I never should have let him stay with us. I never should have given in to Brock's comforting words. I may not have been able to get this far on my own, but I can't keep them with me any longer. I need to run away.

I have to run away.

I have to shut these stupid feelings of attachment all down, deeper and deeper until it's locked away. Allow only certain emotions, enough for my pokēmon to be able to understand me, and bury the rest. I need to bury the hurt. I need to bury the pain. Don't let it rise. Shut it all down.

Why do I hate myself, Blue asked?

Day-after-day I would have to listen to Mistress Augusta's cruel words. Mutterings about how worthless I was, how Rich had disillusioned himself into seeing anything of use in me. How I would never be able to compare to the other trainees. Her sharp nails as they dug into my flesh and tangled in my hair, yanking and pulling and shoving my head into a sink full of ice cold water. Her laughter, mocking me.

When she stopped trying to drown me with the sink after I was stuck working in the nursery, she had her water-type pokēmon attack me. Nearly all of the scars that littered my back were because of her and her riding crop and electric whip, with a select few being specifically from Velga and her lackies.

I was a virus in their perfect system, a weed they just couldn't root out.

But they couldn't kill me outright. They're not allowed to kill any of the children in training outright. That being said, if a child couldn't survive "punishment" or recover from any wounds they sustained during battles or the obstacle courses… well, clearly they just weren't meant to be part of Team Rocket. So, pushing through the pain and misery and cold emptiness, I survived.

I survived because of a promise, and that promise nearly got my only friends killed.

And… I know now that I'm the kind of person that's willing to hurt those friends in order to protect them. Even if it means they'll hate me, even if it means they'll hurt and feel betrayed, I have to let them go. I can't take any more of this. I'm suffocating in this warmth, knowing I'm the one to blame for so many things. I don't understand them or their stubborn, unconditional warmth; I can't possibly understand it.

So… I'm going to reject it.

I'm going to push them away, even if it kills me in the end. I have to keep them safe.

I just…

No. Don't think about it. Just lock it away. It doesn't matter what I want. Their safety is of utmost importance. I can't be selfish right now.

Inhaling shakily, I tightened my grip on the stone before shifting in place, freeing one of my hands to try and calm down Ruby and Sapphire who were very upset due to the strange amalgamation of negative emotions radiating from me. They almost looked like they were crying. Voice a quiet murmur, I focused on the two Vulpix. "I'm fine, you two."

"Vulpi!"

"Vul! Vulpix!"

"El-" Blue tried to begin again, but I shook my head. I felt tired.

"I hate everything about myself, Blue." I said firmly, eyes drooping and face becoming a bit dull. My chest felt cold and numb. "I… always have."

I can't recall a single day where I've ever liked myself.

"It's fine."

Careful not to drop the stone, I hoisted the Vulpix up into my arms and buried my face into their fur, feeling their warmth and cold and listening to their heartbeats. I may not be able to keep my friends anymore, but… I still have my pokēmon- undeserving as I am of them. They were strong, stronger than I could ever be, and they need to become even stronger still so Team Rocket can't ever get their hands on them. So they won't get hurt by my foolishness.

Lifting my head up slowly, I turned my empty stare to Misty, Brock, and Blue. "Truth or dare?"

"...Y-You know what?" Misty said, uncomfortable, scratching her cheek. "Maybe we should play something else. Uh, Brock! You said you had cards in your bag, right?"

"Hm? O-Oh, yeah. I did. I mean, I do. I do have cards."

As he went to grab his bag, I moved closer to the edge of the bed, laying down with my back turned to them all- still cradling my two Vulpix and dawn stone. Ansem, Basil, and Belladonna were upset, knowing what I was doing, as they had grown used to my behavior and have come to understand it to a point. I tried to ignore the guilt as it creeped up, shutting it down alongside everything else. The world was slowly starting to come to a stop again, just as it had the day Team Rocket grabbed me.

It was a miracle it had ever started moving again after Mewtwo helped me to escape.

I ended up tuning out the voices of the trio behind me, and after a few hours passed I did not move even as they decided to call it a night and pack up the cards, getting ready to fall back asleep. A hand gently touched my shoulder, but I did not respond. I knew without looking that it was Brock. Eventually, the hand left me and the lights turned back off. I didn't bother turning to see who had lied next to me. I just stayed in place, gazing tiredly at Ruby and Sapphire as they curled up against my chest.

I really am the worst.

I didn't sleep much more that night, simply waiting for day to come. As early as the sun rose, I pulled myself out of bed- ignoring the growing headache and slight nausea in favor of heading to the bathroom to get changed back into the silly sailor outfit. I didn't bother to braid my hair or tie it, simply letting my bangs fall into my face to help hide my bruised eye.

Brock, Blue, and Misty still asleep I left a small note- stating I was heading to the gym after eating- and took my pokēmon to the cafeteria.

I couldn't bring myself to stomach anything.

I just fed my pokēmon whatever caught their attention, watching as Ruby and Sapphire happily nibbled and gobbled down all this new food they've never had before. Sapphire ended up knocking over the glass of water I had finished, diving for the ice cubes and munching on them. When Ansem, Basil, and Belladonna, had finished eating their full, I picked up Ruby and Sapphire- who were super sleepy now that they had stuffed their bellies- and made our way out of the pokēcenter to head for the gym.

When I arrived, I discovered that the entirety of the gym was filled with a cool mist- making it rather difficult to see where one is headed. The bouncer from previous gyms, with the dark hair and red bowtie, was standing and waiting- as if he had been expecting to see me. He beamed brightly at me, approaching with a wave of a hand.

"Yo, champ-in-the-making!" He greeted. "How've you been? You took off quite suddenly from Cerulean City's gym; I wasn't even able to surprise you at Vermillion! It looks like those pokēmon eggs of yours hatched though. They're adorable."

He chuckled, seeing Ruby and Sapphire's eyes grow wide as they gazed at him in curiosity.

"You're quite the trainer. You should check out the Safari Zone sometime here in Fuschia City; you can meet tons of different pokēmon there. I'm a little surprised to see you here so soon; I thought you would head to Celadon City's gym first before challenging me."

…Wait, what?

Looking up at him in mild alarm, I watched as the bouncer smirked and reached into his jacket and pulled out a small ball- which he tossed onto the ground. It exploded in a burst of smoke and I ended up stumbling back with a cough, turning to shield Ruby and Sapphire from it. When the smoke cleared, someone else was standing there- an older man, maybe in his fifties, with spiky dark teal-colored hair and black eyes.

He wore a traditional purple kimono that… honestly looked a little like something a ninja would wear, and he wore a red mask over the lower half of his face, a matching scarf carefully wound around his shoulders and creating a cape-like effect. Black fingerless gloves decorated his hands, and beneath his top I could make out what almost looked like black fishnets.

The man, seeing my stunned face, laughed. "Startled you with my disguise, did I?"

No. No way. I should have known. I should have seen the details. This is the second time I've…

"I shall use my intricate style to confound and destroy you in battle as well! Show me your strength, child, and the strength of your pokēmon as you work in tandem!"

He disappeared suddenly, moving too fast for the human eye to see, and reappeared in a platform in the middle of the mist-covered room.

It was hard to breathe.

I should have seen it. I noticed something was off back at the nugget bridge, but I didn't say anything until it was too late. I didn't think much of it. This time, though? I didn't notice anything. If he had been working for Team Rocket, it would have been all over.

Just like… it nearly had been back then, if it wasn't for Brock and his Onix.

"Hey, kid!" Turning around, horrified by my realization, I watched as the real bouncer ran over, the man grinning ear-to-ear. "I'm amazed no matter how many times I see him use the art of disguise; he looked and sounded just like me, right? He's known as a ninja, and rumors has it he's actually training his daughter in the way of the ninja as well. That makes him a master of stealth and disguises! Truly, he's quite the fearsome opponent- especially with his love for poison-type pokēmon. But you, you're rather fearsome yourself, aren't you?"

I said nothing, simply staring as I struggled to recover from my failure. My senses had been dulling so strongly since coming to the outside world. Is it because I'm too overwhelmed by everything? I can't focus, since I'm always being flooded with emotions I know nothing about, emotions I've had buried for nine years. These slipups can be deadly.

Yeah, this confirms it. I have to leave Brock and Blue behind.

Unperturbed by my silence, the bouncer continued to ramble. "Coming here instead of to Erika's gym… you must be really confident. You also took down Misty and Lt. Surge's pokēmon in the course of what- one day? Two? How did you even get here to Fuschia so quickly? Honestly, you're incredible!"

"...One day." I muttered, lowering my head. "It was one day."

"Two gyms in one day!" The bouncer exclaimed. His eyes were sparkling as he clasped his hands together. "You've got yourself a new fan, kiddo! I was already cheering for you, but wow. I'm looking forward to seeing your match against Kōga! Now, I'll stop pestering you and let you head on in- you just gotta experience his moves for yourself!" Stepping to the side, he gestured to the steps with a hand. "There are invisible walls here, so you'll have to maneuver carefully! Of course, there's also plenty of trainers here that want to challenge Kōga himself… so you'll have to get through them before you can get to Kōga!"

Hmph. Just like back in Brock's gym… and similar to Misty's, I guess, what with her sisters having served as the added challenge to reach her.

Stepping forward, the ground looked as if it were made of wood- but my feet stepping onto it made it clear that it was just a clever disguise to hide the fact that it was actually dirt.

Right… because he uses poison-type pokēmon, ground-type pokēmon would have the advantage. As a gym leader, they have to provide an added challenge, but still make things fair.

Besides, if he's truly as strong as everyone says then he won't be letting any ground-type pokēmon or ground-type attacks get the best of him that easily. It's a challenge for him, just as it is for the trainers. They just need to be observant enough to notice through the mist and carved detail that the floor wasn't really a floor.

Well, that makes things easier for Ansem, I guess.

Moving carefully, I set Ruby and Sapphire atop my shoulders- and Ansem barked as he ran ahead of me. Basil and Belladonna stayed near my feet, casting me worried glances every now and then, and I walked slowly with both hands out to feel for the invisible walls and where they could lead. Ansem kept headbutting whatever was in the way, impatient and ready to fight, and it took a few minutes before we reached our first trainer, who was already a decent distance into the maze.

The trainer sent out a Nidorina- a pale blue pokēmon that was honestly rather cute. If memory served correctly, Nidorina is actually incapable of laying eggs, despite its pre-evolved form being perfectly capable of doing so. Nidoqueen can't lay eggs either. A bit random, but I always remember finding that fact a bit interesting when I was being forced to learn about pokēmon in Hoenn. They also weren't very fond of fighting, given that the horn on their heads grows slowly, and were quite gentle in nature, but if aggravated they would lash out with claws and teeth.

Ansem seemed to already be aware of this, however.

He wasted no time in digging into the ground, just barely burrowing in time to avoid get slashed by the opponent's pokēmon, and as the female pokēmon looked around trying to locate him, the ground beneath her began to tumble away. Nidorina let out a startled roar as she was sent tumbling, and Ansem came jumping out of the new hole in the ground. To add further insult to injury, he turned around and kicked some more dirt on her.

…Rude.

Nidorina ended up getting stuck trying to climb out, roaring in rage, but Ansem just grinned and lunged forward, biting her arm until she bled and started crying. The trainer, feeling bad for Nidorina, hurriedly ran over to help her out of the hole, feeding her some berries. When Ansem bounded back towards me, I knelt down and gave him a tiny scolding bap on the nose.

"You didn't have to be that mean." Making her fall in the hole was more than enough. There was no need to kickdirt on her. "Behave."

"Evaa!"

The trainer sent out a Nidorino then. Before Nidorino could move, Ansem barked and dashed forward, ducking just low enough he wouldn't hit the pokēmon's horn, and headbutted him hard on the side. Nidorino flinched, stumbling back, and couldn't recover before Ansem headbutted him a second time. Dizzy and in pain, the Nidorino fainted and the trainer forfeit- not willing to make Nidorina go up against Ansem again after how hard he had bit her.

Turning back to me, Ansem barked- and this time I pat him on the head. "Better."

"Eva!" He nuzzled his face into my hand.

Handing me some money for winning, the trainer left to head for the pokēcenter. Wandering through the maze, we came across another trainer- and this one sent out a Muk, a purple sludge-looking pokēmon. It smelled rather awful.

Ansem tried to headbutt Muk, but Muk easily protected itself, so Ansem made to dig into the ground again. He was getting a lot faster at it, full of adrenaline and the desire to win, and right as Muk let loose a blast of poison Ansem had buried himself into the ground, narrowly dodging the hit. Ansem was thankfully just as fast as he was violent.

I know he loves to fight, but… I forgot how mean he can be to his opponents. He even bit me when we first met. We'll need to work on that.

Muk fell, just as Nidorina did, into the pitfall Ansem had made- his gloopy body not having much resistance to the sudden change in the ground. Muk fell with quite the plop into the hole, and the trainer cringed at the sight. Muk was able to pull itself out, but not before getting hit in the side by another one of Ansem's headbutts… this one actually making contact as Muk was unable to protect itself. Ansem ended up having to shake some of Muk's goop out of his fur, and calling back the Muk the trainer sent out a Beedrill.

Ah. Lovely.

I don't know why, but… seeing the Beedrill made me very uncomfortable. It shouldn't, seeing as it wasn't a water-type pokēmon, but the sight of it almost made it feel like bugs were crawling along my arms and back. Oh. Oh, okay, I get it now. I don't like bugs, and Beedrill is a bug-type pokēmon. I never really went out of my way to avoid bugs given I had spent a night or two in the forest when I first started my journey, but I didn't exactly like them crawling on me.

Seeing them much bigger as pokēmon was… disturbing, to say the least.

I couldn't find it in me to truly freak out about it, though. It was just a feeling, foggy and uncomfortable, and I detached myself from it as soon as it had appeared. I knew that if my Kanto Vulpix was a bit older, she would be especially strong against pokēmon types like Beedrill. Bug-types were weak to fire.

I don't really remember much about the rest of the battle. Things became hazy, and by the time it was done and we were already fighting the next trainer, I had forgotten all about what the previous two had looked like. I was merely an observer at this point, giving Ansem free reign, waiting for us to fight Kōga.

Kōga who was watching closely, and frowned through his mask as we finally approached after getting through the last few trainers with relative ease. I set my backpack on the floor next to my feet, just in case I needed to grab any potions or pecha berries in a hurry.

"Your pokēmon are strong, indeed." Kōga commented, and I had this sense vague sense of the world around us blurring out- my mind fixating solely on him and the battle that was about to take place. Basil and Belladonna nudged my legs, Ruby and Sapphire curled against either side of my neck. "But you- the look in your eyes tells me you are not here for just a battle. You are not really here at all, are you?"

I said nothing, simply staring at him and waiting for the battle to commence.

Kōga took this as his answer. "You are not here to obtain a badge to challenge the league. You… You are on a mission, aren't you? Yes, I've heard rumors of you- a ninja such as myself has many eyes and ears, and you…" He narrowed his eyes. "You're the one that escaped the grasp of Team Rocket, aren't you?"

In the background, I could hear the bouncer gasp.

"A child referred to as Grunt, as though stripped of all sense of humanity and identity."

At that, my fingers twitched and slowly curled into fists. My expression darkened, a shadow falling over my face.

"But that is not your name, is it?" Kōga mused. "Your name is El, and I have heard tales of your feats. I wonder- is that your true name, the name within your soul, or is it just a phantom? Regardless, the time has come. You are no ordinary child, and the idea of you finally coming here to challenge me makes me shiver with mirth!"

He disappeared then, only to reappear all around me- moving at such a speed there appeared to be several clones of him standing in a circle facing me. His haunting voice echoed around the gym.

"I know not what horrors you may have faced- but know that, no matter what, I will show you true terror as a ninja master!"

The clones vanished. He reappeared just as a pokēball flew through the air, and the front doors to the gym burst open. I didn't hear the startled shouts of the three young trainers that entered the gym.

"Opponents can't lay a hand on me, as poison brings their steady doom." A pokēmon appeared from the red light, large and purple and… Weezing. It coughed and moaned, before focusing its intense stare on me. "Despair as you feel the creeping horror of poison-type pokēmon!"

Can't use Dig. Weezing won't fall in, since it's floating. Have to use Headbutt.

"Ansem!"

He seemed to know exactly what it was I wanted. "Eva!"

Unfortunately, Weezing cast protect just as Ansem charged and leapt- causing the pokēmon to smack headfirst into an invisible screen and fall onto the ground. This enraged the Eevee, and when he saw the Weezing move away to create some distance he was quick to move in again, making sure he hit the Weezing this time. Weezing tried to cast protect once more, but it failed, and the pokēmon had no choice but to take the Headbutt head on.

The battle was already clearly showing itself to be harder than against any of the other trainers, and harder than any other gym leader I've faced for that matter, as Weezing barely looked like it had taken a hit at all.

"You lack a type advantage." Kōga informed as our pokēmon stared off, glaring at each other as they waited for one another to move. "This will be a test of strength then, and a test of wits; who will reign victorious? I see you have two Vulpix and two grass-types… but using them will clearly put you at an obvious disadvantage. Just what will you do, I wonder?"

Irritable. Silent. I glanced down at Basil and Belladonna.

Poison-type moves are effective against other poison-type pokēmon, but both are grass-types which makes them even more vulnerable than normal. I don't want to ask them to fight in Ansem's stead.

Turning away, I looked back at Ansem, whose red eyes were determined, and then looked back at Kōga. "Ansem. Headbutt."

"Eva! Veeva vee!"

"Weezing, go!" Kōga threw out his hand. "Use toxic!"

Ansem, running at Weezing, took the poison blast, not letting it bother him even as the purple liquid sunk into his fur. He just leapt up and rammed his forehead into the Weezing's hard body, sending it flying back several feet. It actually looked a bit dazed this time. Ansem, landing on all fours, stumbled a little as the poison worked its way into his system, and his lips curled back as he growled. He was angry.

Kōga just chuckled. "Can you feel it? The creeping sensation of the poison as it seeps into your body? Weezing, finish off that child's Eevee! The end is nigh!"

"Weezing…" The pokēmon coughed, before moving forward and starting to shake. "Weez…!"

My feet were already moving, recognizing at once what move the pokēmon was about to perform. Ruby and Sapphire jumped off of me in surprise from the sudden movement, and I lunged to wrap my arms around Ansem, covering his body as Weezing exploded, a blast emitting from its body and causing a large, painful wave of heat and flame to spread across my back. I did not scream, I did not cry; I just grit my teeth and squeezed my eyes shut, making sure Ansem was unhurt.

Weezing collapsed, and Kōga stared- having not expected my action in the least. Slowly, I unraveled my arms from Ansem's body, mind somewhat disconnected from the intense pain in my back. I looked down at my partner pokēmon. Ansem looked shaken. "...You… good, buddy?"

"Hah…" Kōga raised a brow, and brought a hand to his face- the older man laughing in disbelief. Pulling off his mask, Kōga appeared genuinely disturbed. "Are you crazed, child? You were not meant to get in the way of the attack!"

"Evaa…" Ansem agreed, sounding quite pitiful as the poison continued to work its way through his body. He pawed at my chest, tears in his eyes. "Veeva vee! Eeva!"

Ignoring the pain, I picked up Ansem and carried him over to my backpack, pulling out a pecha berry to feed it to him. Ansem was still crying as he ate, nuzzling his face into my neck. "It's okay. You're okay." Ansem shook his head, shoving his face against my chest, barking, and in my confusion I set him down. "You're… okay, Ansem."

"Eva!"

Kōga was not pleased. I blinked when I saw him start to march across the battlefield, and I visibly flinched when he snatched my wrist- the man pulling me to him and grabbing my shoulder so he could turn me around and get a better look at the burns blossoming along my back. Even my hair was a bit singed. Kōga turned towards the trainers at the entrance. "You there! Head to the pokēcenter at once, and return with Nurse Joy and her Chansey!"

Brock and Misty, horrified, could only nod and dash off, having been watching the battle from the beginning, but Blue stood there silent- something raging in his eyes that I did not have the energy to decipher.

"I've heard of your recklessness against the Cerulean City gym leader," Kōga hissed, "but I did not imagine it to be like this. You are a child! A human child, no less! Your pokēmon are capable of withstanding attacks! They will not die so easily, unlike you." I said nothing in response, but this only upset him further. Without warning, the ground left my feet and I yelped, realizing I had been lifted up by the older man. He was careful not to touch the burns on my back. "I enjoy tormenting my opponents, but I do not wish for their deaths. What has Team Rocket taught you to disregard your own life so easily?"

As we approached Blue, the gym bouncer backed away, and the teen boy scowled heavily. "So, you've already figured it out?"

"It was not as if it were difficult." Kōga responded, looking down at him. The man looked twice his age with the way he was frowning. "You are this child's friend, correct? The grandson of this region's pokēmon professor? You would do well in teaching this one to care for herself, if she is to continue taking up pokēmon battles."

"Believe me." Blue said, voice hardening, and I turned away when he focused his stern glare towards me. "We're trying."

Kōga hummed at the boy's words, and I debated whether I should push myself away so I could stand. I was fine.

"El, look at me." Blue demanded. "El!"

"...I'm f-

"You are not fine!" Blue snapped, voice actually cracking as he shouted. I froze, the world around me seeming to temporarily malfunction. "You are not fine; stop saying that you're fine! You're not! We know you're not! You're- damn it, El! You've never been okay since the day Team Rocket stole you away! Stop… Stop trying to get yourself killed before you can be okay! Do you care about us and your pokēmon, or don't you!?"

Silence.

Blue was breathing heavily, hand in his hair, as he tried to calm down. I waited for the violence.

It never came.

Instead a hand curled gingerly around my right wrist, the touch causing me to jolt and look down with wide eyes. Blue's gaze, though misty and full of barely restrained tears, was intense. "You aren't alone anymore. Why don't you get that?"

"Eva…"

"Weepin!"

Stop it. Stop caring.

"Vulpix…"

"Saur! Ivysaur! Ivy!"

"Vul…"

Hate me. Hit me. Curse me. I would deserve it.

Don't… look at me like that.

Forcing everything down, my fingers twitched as Blue continued to hold my wrist. I waited and waited, but his grip just tightened and a heavy silence filled the air. I wanted so desperately to hold his hand, like I did with Brock. It was only when the doors opened and Brock and Misty arrived with Nurse Joy and Chansey that Blue backed off and Kōga set me down.

Nurse Joy gasped, horrified, a first-aid kit held in her arms, and wasting not a single second Chansey hurriedly waddled over, holding her hands out and hovering them above my back, the pokēmon emitting a Healing Pulse against my back.

I could feel the flesh mending itself together, though most of the pain still escaped my senses. Once the worst of the burns had been healed, Nurse Joy got to work with her own treatment, and as she worked to tend to my injury everyone watched, Misty clinging to Brock's arm with tear-filled eyes, Blue's gaze now cold and hard to read. Brock was silent, clearly upset, and I knew I was probably in for a lecture.

Thankfully, due to the Chansey, the second degree burn easily became a first degree. As such, it didn't need too much treatment, but the middle and upper back of my sailor top was now completely ruined and the scars I received from Mistress Augusta's lashings were now out in full view.

"You should rest for the remainder of the day." Nurse Joy said, heavily concerned. "You must be exhausted after being hurt like that."

I shook my head, ignoring the slight chill I felt, and stood. "S'fine. Need to finish the battle."

"El!" Misty exclaimed, shaken. "No battle is so important that-"

"It is." I need the badge. I need the special move that comes with it. I looked up at Kōga, stare expectant.

"Child…" Kōga pinched the bridge of his nose, furrowing his brows. "You just took the brunt of my Weezing's Explosion. How am I to trust that you will not attempt to take any more hits for your pokēmon?"

"Ivy!" A pair of vines shot forward and wrapped around me, and I let out a startled yelp as I was lifted off the ground. Basil was furious, red eyes glaring at me. "Ivysaur! Ivy!"

"I've told you before, El!" Misty said, stepping forward. She let go of Brock, holding her fists up close to her chest. "They're stronger than you think! Ansem would have gotten away just fine from Weezing's attack! You didn't have to take it for him! You can trust your pokēmon!"

"Eva!" Ansem agreed, barking at me. "Eva, vee! Veeva! Vaa! Eev!"

When I continued to keep quiet, Basil growled and then turned me upside down to face him. "Ivysauuuur! Ivy!" He shook me a little, trying desperately to get his feelings across. Tears began to well up in his crimson eyes, and I blinked when he lowered me back down to the floor. Basil waddled over, reaching up and nuzzling his face against mine as he cried. "Ivysaur-!"

I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say.

I just sat there as my pokēmon surrounded me, crying and pleading with me not to do something like this again. I had scared them before when I fell into the water in the Cerulean City gym, but this? This was way worse. This terrified them.

Unfortunately, bad habits are hard to break and I had quite the record of being repeatedly slammed and blasted back by pokēmon attacks. When my pokēmon had finished crying, I lifted up Ruby and Sapphire into my arms, turning to look back at Kōga, somehow feeling even more tired than before.

He sighed, knowing I was intent on finishing the battle. "Very well…"

The gym leader looked down at Basil and Belladonna.

"You two- if she even takes so much as a step towards the battlefield, I am trusting you to pull her back with your vines. Understand?"

Basil and Belladonna nodded fiercely. "Weepin!"

"Saur!"

"Good. Then, El…" Kōga turned towards me, pulling his mask back over his face. He narrowed his eyes. "Let the battle continue."

Returning to the middle of the arena, Ansem ruffled his fur and barked at me in warning, telling me not to do something so reckless again, before turning to face Kōga. The older man sent out a Golbat.

It didn't hesitate in coating Ansem in a thick heap of poison, but just as well Ansem didn't hesitate in jumping at the Golbat and slashing at its wings with his claws. Damaging the flight-pokēmon's wings, the attack had been rather effective and the Golbat went falling to the ground. Kōga clicked his tongue and called the pokēmon back, and Ansem shuddered as the poison left him a bit dazed and weak.

Next out was a Muk, and while it was a lot more durable than the previous Muk we fought… Ansem was able to take it out with a well-timed Dig and three headbutts. Unfortunately, Ansem had gotten hit with another Sludge Bomb, body now coated with another dose of poison, and this left him looking close to fainting. As Kōga sent out Venomoth, I knew Ansem was no longer in a state to battle.

The problem is… I don't know what to do about it. I won't have enough time between attacks to feed him both a pecha berry and a potion.

As I stood there, struggling to figure out a solution, Belladonna hopped forward.

I froze. Looking down at her, I saw her black eyes gaze up at me determinedly, the Weepinbell unafraid of the massive type disadvantage she had against Venomoth. Ansem had been protecting her for this long; it was time to repay the favor. "You… sure?"

"Bell!" She said, hopping forward another two feet to show she wasn't going to turn back. "Weepinbell, weepin!"

"Ivy…?" Basil looked at her, concerned, but she just grinned and covered her face with her leafy arms.

"Weepin!"

Basil glanced up at me, then carefully snaked his vine whips around my legs. He looked at Belladonna, giving her a nod of understanding. He beamed, cheering his ally on. "Ivysaur!"

And with that, Belladonna moved forward- staring up at the Venomoth, scared but determined. Kōga observed this with interest. "So, you chose to use your grass-types after all. We shall see who will prevail. Venomoth, blast that Weepinbell away with your Bug Buzz!"

"Veeenoooo!" The moth-like pokēmon began to vibrate its wings, and Belladonna tensed, inhaling deeply before the brown stump-like horn atop her head began to glow violet, and bouncing a few times she pushed herself off the ground with her vine whips, sending her body flying towards Venomoth. It narrowly dodged her Poison Jab, and all Belladonna could do was scream as Venomoth sent her flying backwards with Bug Buzz, the soundwave emitting from its wings hitting her hard and tearing through her leaves. "Venomoth!"

Belladonna bounced, rolled, then came to a halt, and she glared with teary eyes up at the enemy. As this occurred, I got to work on tending to Ansem, glancing up nervously as the Weepinbell did her best against such a powerful foe. She didn't need to beat it- just… stall it long enough for Ansem to finish recovering. That said, I don't want to her to faint in the process… or get too badly wounded.

I'd rather she get through this unscathed, but I know that's just wishful thinking.

"Weepin!" She roared, and settled on trying to poison the enemy in another way- the tips of her vines getting coated in poison instead of her little stump.

Shooting the toxic vines at the Venomoth, it attempted to dodge, but its wings were simply too big to completely avoid the wildly thrashing vine whips. Belladonna ended up getting a good dosage of poisoning in, and slammed the pokēmon to the ground while she was at it. She huffed, clearly exhausted, but sent the pokēmon a glare- as if to tell it not to underestimate her. Venomoth's eyes flashed, realizing this, and with a strong bite freed itself of Belladonna's vines.

Flying up and beating its wings, it inhaled deeply before letting lose a strong blast of psychic power.

Belladonna was ready this time. Bouncing out of the way of the attack, she coughed up and spit out another blast of poison, this time in the form of Acid. It singed Venomoth's wings and left it struggling to stay in flight, and seeing it was struggling and unable to attack Belladonna took the opportunity to hit it one last time with her vine whips, wrapping them tight around it and slamming it hard against the ground.

Ansem, fully recovered now, leapt up, and turned towards the battlefield growling- ready to take his friend's place- only… to pause, and we all stared in shock as Venomoth lay there defeated.

Belladonna… had won.

Basil cautiously released his vines from my legs, before roaring and excitedly dashing towards Belladonna, nuzzling her side and giving her a small, very happy lick to the cheek. She just giggled and pressed a torn, leafy hand to her face, and Ansem ran over, barking and running circles around the grass-type pokēmon. Sapphire and Ruby were meowing loudly from their places in my arms.

Kōga closed his head and called back his pokēmon, bringing a hand in front of his face and holding up two fingers. "You and your pokēmon have proven your worth. As such, it is now my duty to give you the Soul badge."

He walked over, and carefully shifting my hold on the Vulpix so I didn't drop them, I held a hand out- watching as he dropped a heart shaped piece of metal in my palm. I blinked. That wasn't what I was expecting the badge to look like at all.

"Pokēmon up to level fifty that you receive from other trainers will now heed your commands. And here's this-" He placed a tiny booklet in my hand as well. "-it contains the instructions on how to teach your pokēmon the poison-type move, Toxic. It is an ancient move, passed down through my family for four hundred years. When hit with Toxic's poisonous effects, a pokēmon will take more-and-more damage with each turn that passes. I'm sure it will be very useful for you, as you go to terrorize Team Rocket."

What-?

Kōga gave me a look. "The Elite Four are looking for you, little one. I mentioned before; I've heard of your deeds. I know you are the child that escaped Team Rocket's headquarters when it exploded, and I know you are the one who saved that boy over there-" He gestured with his chin towards Blue, who remained quietly fuming, and at Brock, whose stare was intense and unnerving. "-with the help of Pewter City's gym leader."

Reaching forward, the older man carefully rested his hand upon my head. I was too stunned to flinch. All I could do was stare.

"How old are you, child?"

"...Th… Thirteen?" I hesitantly answered, confused by his behavior and how he knew all of this. "Why?"

Kōga's face softened. "You're nearly the same age as my daughter, Janine, and yet…"

Shaking his head, the older man pulled his hand away and reached for his scarf, slowly unwinding it from around his shoulders. His mask remained, but I could only stand there, completely frozen, as he wrapped the warm scarf around me instead, hiding the scars from my now partially-exposed back.

He fiddled with it for a moment, making sure it would stay in place, before giving a small nod. "There. I will not try to dissuade you from your goal, as I know as well as any that when one has a mission… they must see it through."

Why… is he doing this? Why is giving me his scarf?

Kōga's gaze was solemn as he rested his hands on my shoulders. "Rely on your pokēmon partners, trust in them. They are far stronger than us humans could ever hope to be. You do not have to shield them from the world or its dangers. Let them protect you. You are a child, little one. You…" His grip tightened just slightly. "You should stay a child, while you can still be a child."

With that, he released me. Basil, Belladonna, and Ansem bounded back over to where I was standing and only after feeling Basil brush against my legs did I snap out of my stupor, hurriedly kneeling down to set Ruby and Sapphire on the ground so I could put the items away and give Belladonna a potion and some berries.

Once done, I carefully lifted the Weepinbell up and nuzzled her face, murmuring quietly that she did a good job, pride welling up faster than I could shut it down. Belladonna giggled and just wrapped her leafy arms around my head.

"You three!" Kōga suddenly exclaimed. "Former Champion of the Indigo League, and the two gym leaders of Cerulean City and Pewter City! I must speak with you."

Stepping away from the platform, the invisible walls seeming to have disappeared completely, he walked towards Blue, Brock, and Misty. Nurse Joy and Chansey watched from their spot near the door, in case their help was still needed. Kōga slowed to a stop, standing in front of the three teenagers.

"The Elite Four is looking for your friend. A man has come from Hoenn, seeking their help- all of our help- to take down this vile foe, and that man has teamed up with our most powerful trainer. If my sources are correct, then those two are searching far and wide for the one who has escaped Team Rocket. Should they successfully locate you…" Kōga closed his eyes and took a deep breath, before focusing his stare on them. "I implore you to listen to them."

He mentioned the Elite Four earlier, too. Why are they searching for me? I don't like this.

I carefully set Belladonna down and fiddled with the scarf, standing. The material felt so foreign around my neck. Slowly, I began to make my way over to the others, my pokēmon following from behind after I had snatched my backpack and pulled it over my shoulders. I let my expression fall into a blank one as Kōga began to talk again when I approached. He rested a hand atop my head.

"This girl is reckless and foolish," Kōga told the three trainers, "with scars that run jagged and deep, serving as a poison to torment her. But I can tell from the way her pokēmon care for her that her soul is a kind one. She has simply been misled. Please, continue to look after her as you have been. It is your support she needs now more than ever."

That… no.

I pulled away from Kōga, looking up at him alarm. I'm trying to push them away, not get closer to them! What the heck? Why is he telling them all this? Why does he know all of this? What man from Hoenn? Who's the trainer he's traveling with? Why does the Elite Four want to find me?

I opened my mouth to demand answers, but I couldn't even get the first syllable out before Brock finally moved, the boy rushing over and wrapping his arms around me tightly as he pulled me into his chest. I inhaled sharply, feeling the emotions try to well, to overwhelm, the world trying to make me fall back into his warmth, but I struggled and resisted, forcing the pain and the turmoil and guilt away even as I felt the boy tremble. I can't give in.

I can't…

I have to let them go. Yet, with how hard Brock was hugging me, I had the sinking feeling that was going to be a lot harder to do than I originally thought. "I told you notto do that again!" Brock choked out, fingers tangling in my hair to hold me closer, not yanking or pulling, just… hugging me. "Why? Why would you do that again? First with the Seel and now with that Weezing… please, just stop. Stop trying to get yourself killed."

I'm… not.

I'm not trying to get myself killed. I'm trying to keep my pokēmon from getting killed.

But Brock didn't seem aware of that, his tears dampening my hair. Face buried in his shoulders, I stood there, conflicted and torn and at a loss. The pain in my chest was unbearable and I felt so sick I wanted to throw up. This wasn't how I wanted things to go. This isn't how I intended to hurt him. I didn't want to make him cry.

All I planned to do was push him away, making him either hate me or give up on me, and then run away.

I didn't want this.

"Sorry." I murmured. "I'm… sorry."

Soon, I'll be gone. You won't have to needlessly worry or care about me anymore.

I'll make sure of it.

I wrote Koga's one line and then I got the original play version of Into the Woods stuck in my head, alskjfldksjfdlksjfds. Bernadette Peters is a goddess. Her voice is so soothing- even if the entire song is about gaslighting Rapunzel.

"Don't you know what's out there in the world? Someone has to shield you from the world. Princes wait there in the world, it's true~! Princes, yes, but wolves and humans too~! ...Stay with me, the world is dark and wild~! Stay a child... while you can be a child..."

Anyway. Next chapter should be the biggest and most important character development moment for El. That or the chapter after it. One of the two. Here's to hoping I pull it off as well as it is in my head. Wrote the Fuschia chapters back-to-back to make sure everything... made sense. Also, I'm mad at myself now because I had just finished fixing up the gang's Johto outfits but then I went and wrote Koga giving El his scarf because no one was wearing a jacket at the time. So now El gets a scarf. Makes me so happy Koga is canonically a DILF in the games. It's kinda funny the role I gave him since he works for Team Rocket in the Manga. Bwahahaha! Timeline shenanigans. I love it. He's a total sweetie in the anime.

I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! Let me know what you all think in the comments, and have a wonderful day/night wherever you are! Stay safe! 💕