Author's Note: CW for emetophobia and period accurate homophobia. For clarification David Bowie came out as gay in 1972. He said various things about his sexuality throughout the years, but at this point in time he was known as being gay.
-x-
August had a four moon stretch, which was the fourth four moon stretch of the year—and thankfully the last for a while. Remus wasn't sure when it would happen again, just that it wouldn't anytime soon. He hated when the moon was full enough for four nights to change him. It wasn't fair and he didn't really understand why. Really, the full moon actually only lasted a very brief time at most so why couldn't it only be then he was a wolf? For a moment, a few moments a month. A few minutes when the moon was entirely and wholly full before he turned back human. That would be wonderful.
But no. He was cursed to change when the moon was illuminated enough to appear full, and that was absolute shit.
The first two nights in August weren't too bad. They were typical nights in which he woke up with his blood splashed everywhere and his flesh torn to shreds. Hope helped him to the bathtub both mornings, muttering that she thought he should get a proper bath. He used to get baths after transformations and boy did they feel good. However he stopped doing that when Madame Pomfrey found out he soaked in water with open, bleeding wounds and berated him
The third night he transformed twice, as the clouds covered and uncovered the moon, and on the fourth night he transformed four times. Transforming burned up a lot of energy, and since he hadn't eaten much (hadn't really eaten much at all since he thought… well, since the incident on the hot day) he lost a lot of weight.
"It isn't as bad as it was in February," he pointed out on Thursday morning when Hope made a comment about how thin he had gotten.
"Please God it never will be that bad again," she whispered, buttoning up his pajama top. His clothes hung very loose on his body. "I'll make you something very filling."
She returned soon after with a tray full of food, more food than he knew he could eat. He only managed to get some of it down; during one of his times as a wolf during the night he had left a long gash along his jaw and it was hard to open and close his mouth. While sausage and eggs were more filling, he rather wished his mother had gone for porridge. Something easier to get down that didn't require much chewing.
"Try to eat more," she urged, scooping some eggs onto a spoon and offering it to him.
"I don't like being fed," he grumbled, tilting his head away. He took the spoon from her and managed to eat the eggs. "I—I can't eat anymore." He was too tired and in too much pain. All he wanted to do was sleep.
Hope looked down at the food left over. "All right. You take a nap and I'll reheat some of this later. If you need anything let me know." She left the room, leaving both doors open so she could hear him if he shouted.
Remus yawned and rolled onto his side, fingers reaching up to brush against the bandage on his face before he fell into an uneasy sleep.
He stayed in his room all day and night, trying to force down as much food as possible whenever Hope brought him something to eat. She also tried to get him to talk about what was wrong. He insisted nothing was wrong (lie) and they ended up having a small row about it.
"You can talk to me!" she insisted, clutching his hand. "I'm your mother. I'm here for you!"
"There's nothing to talk about!" he protested. "Honestly!"
She gave him a long, sad look. "I wish you would be more open."
Remus swallowed, feeling nausea pressing in his throat, James's words echoing behind his mother's. Guilt bubbled up inside of him and he curled his fingers against the sheet. Was it really so wrong not to pour everything out? Was it so bad not to want to talk about every little thing? Not that he could, anyway.
"If something happened at Hogwarts," she began—
Remus sat up. "Nothing happened at Hogwarts," he interrupted firmly, twisting his fingers into the sheet now. "It's—" Should he lie? Make something up? He wanted nothing more than to point out she wasn't being open either. "I've been thinking a lot about—about when I was bitten."
Her face went ashen. "Remus—"
"I know," he said, bitterly. "We don't talk about it. So." He settled back into his bed, chest rising and falling rather rapidly. "I guess there isn't much to talk about."
"I—I just don't think it's a good topic." She stood up, hands twisting around, unable to keep still. "It's an awful thing to talk about and I don't like thinking about that night."
At least you know exactly what happened. "I know," he mumbled.
Hope wrung her hands, staring forlornly at him. "I love you, baby."
"I love you too, Mummy."
She stared at him for several more seconds before leaving, quietly shutting the door behind her. Remus waited several seconds then got out of bed, pacing around while he ran his fingers through his hair. He kept having to yank his trousers back up as he went back and forth.
"They're never going to tell me," he told Arthur who gave a sad hoot of commiseration. "I'm never going to know the truth!" He whirled around, having to grab hold of the back of his chair as dizziness suddenly came upon him. He was panting too, even from what little effort it took to pace. "I have a right to know, don't I?" Arthur flapped his wings a couple of times. "I do." He rubbed the side of his nose, near his eye, not sure how else to approach the situation.
Mum cries and Dad yells. They had become a solid wall of 'no' and he couldn't get around it.
"It's not fair!" He sank down into the chair, putting his head in his hands.
All his life, he never had any memories of that night until now, and it was clear that what he assumed happened… might not have. He could not shake away the feeling of someone else being there, of falling out the window.
"It makes no SENSE!" He got back up, storming around, one hand clutching the waistband of his trousers. After a moment or two he felt exhausted and had to climb back into bed, breathing heavily. Perhaps Miss Fawley can give me some advice…
His eyes darted over to the desk. The mere thought of getting back out of bed was too tiring, so it'd have to wait until morning. She might be able to help. He pulled the blanket up over his thin shoulders, adjusting his pillow until it bunched up under his head.
-x-
Dear Miss Fawley 16/8/73
I'm sorry I've been unable to write until now but Arthur is doing a lot better so I thought I could send a letter your way. I feel awful that I couldn't get this to you sooner but I needed to write to Lily as well as Peter the last time I had access to Cocoa, and I feel awkward using my friend's owl for so many letters.
Thank you so much for the certificate. I won't lie, I considered sending it back. It still feels weird to have accepted it. But it… made all the difference. There is no doubt in my mind that I couldn't take all the electives without your help. I needed eleven—ELEVEN—books and even the five galleons couldn't cover it, though it did cover the bulk of the purchase. I was quite shocked when I saw I needed eleven books, though I did forget that we would need a new book for Transfiguration. Still, I assumed seven books, perhaps eight.
Well… I have all the books now, thanks to you. I can't ever make it up to you but I will do my best to try.
Thank you so, so very much, Miss Fawley.
Remus
P.S. I've been having some trouble remembering something from when I was young and the confusion from it is causing issues. Nightmares, to be specific. Since I don't know for sure what happened, my imagination is supplying false memories and they're not good. I've tried to talk to my parents about it but they won't talk about it. I thought maybe… perhaps… you could help me? With Legilimency? To see the memory so I know for sure if I am imagining it or not? I know it's a lot to ask and if you don't want to help I understand. Thank you again!
-x-
Dear Remus 14/8/73
I've started this letter multiple times and tossed each attempt out. I won't send this letter off until the sixteenth, though, in case the four moons were rough and you need a little bit of time to heal. I want to send this now though. I wanted to send you one before the full moon, so you could have a letter to look forward to during the day. I understand why we can't, though, don't worry. I won't ever do that.
I really hope the nights are going okay. Merlin, that's a dumb thing to say, isn't it? It's never okay. Not even when you're human. It's not fair—of course, that's REALLY dumb of me to say. Me, telling YOU, that it isn't fair. I'm a moron, aren't I? You can hit me on the train.
You know, I used to love looking at the moon when it was full. I always thought it was pretty. Now I hate it. I hate seeing it, I hate knowing it exists. I hate knowing what it does to you. I hate not being able to do anything about it. Yet. Don't pull that face, Remus Jirius, I'll figure something out and you can't stop me. I haven't given up hope of finding something, no matter how many times you tell me.
I've mentioned before my parents have a library. I told you it didn't interest me and that's because it's mostly full of darker books. I've nicked two they had on werewolves hoping something would help me but it's all anti-werewolf propeganda. Horror stories of how evil werewolves are. Which I really hate to think I used to believe that. I am sorry I ever thought that. Which is also dumb, because I was only going along with everything I was told, and now I know better. Like the M-word. I still feel bad for thinking it though. For believing it.
I dunno it just makes me want to DO something, it makes me more determined to figure out a way to help.
Maybe this is a stupid idea but what if… during the nights you know it's going to be cloudy all night long and you're going to be human… could you have company then? Would that help? I mean, I know you're going to yell at me for even thinking such a thing, and I'm dumb, and reckless, and stupid. Which I am. But what if we could figure out a way for that to happen? What if I'm locked up in a room so if you DO transform you can't get to me anyway? We could talk through the door. Or a Muggle thing. That Muggle thing. Talk-fin. Tell-a-fin? Talk or tell. You can talk through it instantly. Could we come up with something like that? I've asked James if he knows of anything that could work.
Stop frowning by the way. And try not to get too mad at me? I'm only trying to think of ideas even if they're bloody stupid as hell.
Your worried friend, Sirius
PS I didn't mean for this letter to be more Serious than it is Sirius, so have a pun to make up for it
PPS I haven't been able to get out yet and I'm low on sweets so I hope the every flavor beans is good enough!
PPPS Peter thinks you think I'm up to something I'm absolutely not up to anything and how dare you smear my good name insisting I am sneaking about with some plan.
PPPPPS yeah I'm planning something you'll see! HAHAHA!
-x-
Dear James 19/8/73
I've done research insofar as I can with the books I have here, and while it is doable, I cannot find the spell. I am convinced there is a spell, I am quite certain I've read about one before. In reality, at least. I am one hundred percent certain I have read about it done in fictional books though I've been unable to remember which books and where, and so far have been unable to glean anything from fiction. I promise I will begin looking in the Hogwarts library on the second of September.
I am beyond happy that August is now half over! I cannot WAIT to see you and the others again! It's been such a long, miserable, lonely summer. I think someone has put the entire world under some sort of time-slowing spell. It feels like it has been at least a year since we last saw each other!
How has your Quidditch training been going? You know, earlier this summer my father was talking about Quidditch and I made a comment about a Quidditch move. My poor father was very excited thinking I suddenly gained an athletic interest in the sport. I couldn't explain to him I'm only interested when you play. But it is true, and that is why I brought it up. I may not be much interested in Quidditch, however I thoroughly enjoy watching you play. I am excited for the season to start! Good LORD I never thought I'd say that. Tell anyone, and I shall hex your glasses to permanently display a photo of Snivellus on the lenses and you'll be forced to see him every single second of the day.
Or buy new glasses.
Whichever.
Two weeks!
Remus
PS: I'm not sure what the… etiquette of new teams is. Since Litten has graduated, will there be tryouts for a new Chaser or will the reserve be automatically bumped up? I hope not.
-x-
Dear Remus 19/8/73
this is with out a dout the last youll hear from me. Good-bye my dear friend!
Grandpa has decidid that hiking isn't enouf and wants me to learn to ride a HORSE! He's got a friend who has horses and will be taking me on Monday. I'm thinking about making something poisiniss. nothing real poisiniss I promise just enouf to make me a little sick and get out of getting on a horse. Grandfather says if I can get on a 'silly' broom I can get on a horse. I tried to say a broom is about a thousind or two lbs liter than a broom and besides
brooms
DONT
HAVE
HUFS!
OR TEETH FOR THAT MATTER!
I only wish he got this in his head when James was here cuz I want to see James on a horse but hes bloody rich and has practikly a castle so he probubly has riden a horse to. posh nobhead.
May be one summer ill write to you and it wont be full of misere misery or complayning about my grandfather but sometimes I do think he is trying to kill me. plus all ive really done is mostly read comic books.
Please Help, Peter
ps thank you for helping me with my homework I dont know how ill ever be able to make it up for you.
-x-
Dear Sirius 21/8/73
It wasn't so rough this time around, though it was rather exhausting. A similar thing happened to me that happened in February, when I lost the weight? It wasn't so bad this time around though. I really wish I could receive letters during the day of the full moon as well. I had to lie to Lily and tell her I was having a very bad relapse and would be too weak so could she please not write? I hated writing that, it made me so sick to lie to her like that, but I don't know what else to do. I can't explain to her why I can't have friends, why I can't receive letters.
Speaking of which—or… not, really. It's nothing to do with friendship. I was just going to say I saw Donald Rivers in Diagon Alley when I went and my father gave me quite the inquisition simply because Rivers said hello. I understand why they're like that, I do, I just wish I didn't need to sneak around or hide the fact I do have people who care about me? Ah well.
Right, you can tell me to stop frowning but I shan't stop because NO! There is NOTHING to figure out and… I… cannot even put into words the thoughts that crossed my mind when I saw your 'idea'. Idiotic and reckless don't even begin to come close. There should be a lot of swearing in there as well. I cannot even begin to fathom how the hell you think that could possibly be a good idea? Anywhere NEAR a good idea?! I understand it, I do, you want to help, and I appreciate that. I really do. But there isn't anything you can do, and risking your life on the off-chance I'll remain human through the night is
I had to stop because I was shaking so hard even thinking about it. Stupid daft foolish empty-headed ABSOLUTELY NOT A SINGLE BRAIN CELL IN Y
Right it's called a telephone, unfortunately it would not work at Hogwarts, and I am ending this letter before I destroy something.
Your angry friend, Remus
P.S. Thank you for the every flavor beans, there were some marshmallow ones in there!
P.P.S Wait, was that your idea you had when we were at the stream? The one you've told the other Marauders but not me?
-x-
Remus
Peter. is. MEAN
He sent me a Howler
All it said was Posh Knobhead
I GOT A HOWLER AND IT SCREAMED POSH KNOBHEAD AT ME! WHAT DID I DO?!
MY PARENTS LAUGHED AT ME!
I'm bringing an octopus with me on the train fair warning.
James
PS: glad the moon went okay!
PPS I'll make a sporty man of you yet!
PPPS that sounded bloody weird didn't it
PPPPPS: what in merlins name does ps even mean anyway? Ps? Psst? PSSST!
PPPPPPPPS also why do we add more p's it should be more s's
PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Piss
-x-
Dear Remus 22/8/73
I am very glad you decided to accept the certificate! I was worried you wouldn't. Eleven books? Really? That's more than I expected! Of course, I didn't personally know anyone who took all the electives. I am looking forward to seeing how you do in the new classes, and what you think about them. It's very exciting!
I really hope your summer has gone well, and that the rest of your summer goes well.
Depending on how much you remember of the event I think that is a feasible thing, however looking at specific memories can be tricky, the longer it's been since it's happened. Depending on your age, it may not be easy, and depending on your age AND how much you remember it might not be possible at all. We'll talk about it more in September.
See you soon!
M. Fawley.
-x-
Dear Remus, 23/8/73
I'm so glad to hear you're doing better! I was a little worried when I hadn't heard from you in so long, that your illness had gotten even worse.
My trip into Diagon Alley went very well! I am SO BLOODY EXCITED FOR CLASSES! Especially Ancient Runes! It looks so fascinating! When I went into Diagon Alley I realized how often we see runes around. It's interesting that it's an elective and not a core class. It just seems so useful and important.
However there is something even MORE important: the Hufflepuffskeins. A concert. In Hogsmeade. In October. I SCREAMED when I read that in the Daily Prophet! I really hope it matches up with one of our Hogsmeade visits. I mean, it makes sense that it would, right? Oh it HAS to be! Can you imagine seeing the Hufflepuffskeins live? I would DIE! I'm already figuring out my outfit. I'll have to talk to Ali and Cassie so we can coordinate everything.
Oops, I probably shouldn't ramble about clothes to you again sorry! I'm glad to hear the book for Muggle Studies at least is mostly accurate. You'll have to tell me everything about the class. I was thinking about taking it, just to see. But I don't know if I'd enjoy it, or if it would make me too angry if there was too much wrong information, or boring for me. Anyway, as I said, you'll need to tell me.
I haven't heard anything about the new Defense teacher! At least by this time last year I had rumors. This time, not a single shred of information! Isn't Potter's father a school governor? Doesn't HE know? Ooh, I'm so curious. I'm hoping it's someone as cute as Professor Prewett! And as nice. Professor Prewett was very nice. Not like Professor Dedenne, she was so awful! Though I didn't realize how awful until you told me everything last year.
Last year. Bloody hell, Remus, we're THIRD YEARS!
Love always, Lily
P.S. It is a good thing you did not meet up with me in Diagon Alley. Because I didn't think something through too well: the fact Severus came with me. That wouldn't have been good. So I guess it all worked out. See you soon!
-x-
Dear Peter 25/8/73
As 1. There has not been any news or obituary about a 13 year old wizard having been trampled to death and 2. I heard about the Howler, I am assuming you are alive. Bloody hell I wish I had been there to see James's face when he got the Howler! The only downside to sending it to him now is it didn't happen in the Great Hall. Now that would have been horribly hilarious! Still, I think that was terrific. I laughed so hard when James sent me the letter of complaint.
You do know you are more than welcome to talk about your comic books. Even though I don't follow the stories, I enjoy hearing about them and I really like it when you tell me about them. Please feel free to talk about them all you want!
Your friend, Remus
P.S. Do you think Mr. And Mrs. Potter heard the Howler…? He said his parents laughed, however I don't know if it is because they heard it or he told them.
-x-
REMUS
DID JAMES SEND YOU A LETTER?
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT WHAT PETER DID?!
HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!
I'm buying Peter all the butterbeers he wants on our first trip into Hogsmeade bloody brilliant he's bloody brilliant
Laughing so hard I can't breathe, Sirius
PS its fine I fully expect you to scream and shout at me when we see each other I knew it would happen as soon as I sent the letter I am prepared, though I didn't mean to anger you that much… I suppose in hindsight… yeah… well… I shouldn't have said that. I hope you can forgive me, I can't bear the thought of you being so mad at me. And no, that wasn't my idea, I have another idea that has nothing to do with your furry little problem, to borrow a phrase from James.
PPS also if you can bring some of your muggle albums with you…?
-x-
Remus hoped the rest of his summer would go smoothly and without issue. Things with his parents were going much better (because he was doing better at holding back his comments) and as August began dwindling he figured the last few days would be lazy. Nothing more than him reading and packing for school.
Unfortunately not.
Hope was doing housework, going in and out of the living room which was where Remus was stretched out on his stomach, practicing writing Tolkien's Elvish language. The Muggle radio was playing and Remus twitched his feet and legs to the music, enjoying the song.
They said we were too young, our kind of love was no fun, but our love comes from above. Do it! Let's make love. Hoo! Let's spend the night together now I need you more than ever let's spend the night together now!
He knew if his mother heard the lyrics clearly she'd go through the roof, and he felt a second of anxiety when he heard his mother coming down the stairs. The song ended just as she reached the bottom of the stairs and he breathed a sigh of relief, glad he didn't need to deal with her complaining about lyrics.
Hope stood in the doorway, staring at Remus. "What was that?"
Or she did hear it. Great. "What was what?"
She looked at the radio. "The—he—he said the name of the artist. Did he say 'David Bowie'?" There was something in her voice that made Remus uncomfortable. "He said that, didn't he? David Bowie?"
"Um, y-yes?" Hope bolted over, turning the radio off, telling Remus he wasn't allowed to listen to that station again. "Why not?" he asked, assuming she heard the lyrics.
"You are never to listen to that—that—that singer!" The way she said 'singer' sounded a lot like the tone some purebloods used when talking about Muggleborns at school. Disgust, distaste, and hate.
"Why not?" he asked again. He had heard David Bowie before and rather enjoyed his music. "What's wrong with him?"
Hope's eyes practically bugged out of her face. "He… is not… the sort of… role model. No. No."
Remus furrowed his brow in utter confusion, pushing himself up so he was kneeling on the ground. "Mum, I highly doubt I'm going to run off and become a rock singer—"
Hope unplugged the radio. "No," she said again. "He's wrong, he's all wrong."
"You've heard his music before," he said, struggling to remember. Hadn't she? "Yes—before, you never seemed to mind—"
"That's before I knew!" she snapped.
"Knew what?"
"Remus, stop arguing!"
He rose to his feet "I'd like to know why I can't listen to—to—didn't you want me to embrace my Muggle side?"
Hope looked livid and she grabbed his arm, yanking him to the cellar door. "Go to your room, stop talking about this. You are never to listen to that singer again. Never that station, if they're going to play music from such a—a degenerate—disgusting—"
"Mum!" Remus stumbled onto the stairs, clutching the railing to prevent himself from falling. "What happened? I don't understand! Can't you tell me?"
She stared down at him, clutching the front of her dress as if needing to shield herself from something. "He—I heard. From the other mothers in the knitting club. That—that he—that that singer—" again, that tone, "is immoral. That he is…" Her mouth opened and closed like a fish. "You're too young to understand. Go to your room."
Remus knew he should back down and give up but instead his temper grew. The wolf inside of him was rather angry too. He was tired of being treated this way! "If you can't tell me then how am I supposed to avoid whatever it is?"
Hope looked ready to pass out. "He—he—he is a—he is—he is a-a ho-homo-homos—he prefers—men—instead of women—" She began shaking her head wildly back and forth, very distraught. "Not natural—not—I will not have his music in this house." And with that, she shut the door.
Remus stood on the stairs, staring up at the closed door, body frozen. Not just that he couldn't move but he felt actually frozen. His body was so cold. His fingers clutched the railing tightly, so icy cold he doubted he could pry them off the wood.
Prefers men instead of women—
Nobody's perfect—
Remus finally took a step back, then another, slowly going backwards down the stairwell while still staring at the door.
Sirius, filling his head—
Homosexual man—
Degenerate, disgusting, immoral!
Then, a hissing voice that belonged to one of his dormmates.
Poof.
Remus felt the world spinning around him and he kept backing up until he banged until the wall. Everything became blurry as tears welled up and he turned, running into his bedroom, running straight to the toilet to throw up.
Then he curled up on the floor and cried, having a horrifying feeling he knew why this hurt him so much.