Author's Note: CW internalized homophobia, fear of child death, emotional manipulation, brief thoughts of ill pet.
-x-
Remus wasn't sure how he got through the final days of August. He kept to himself as much as possible, ignoring the fact it was hurting his mother and angering his father. He spent a lot of time out in the woods to avoid them.
To avoid her.
To avoid what she said.
At night he lay awake, her words turning over and over in his head. There was also a lot of thinking about David Bowie, and the fact Hope was so certain he was… like that. He wanted to ask her how she knew, but didn't want to ever bring up the subject again.
Not like that, I can't be.
The protests felt feeble now, since the pain of what his mother said about David Bowie. She said what wizarding society thought about people like that. Disgusting, immoral, wrong. It wasn't anything new. It just… hurt a lot. Hearing his mother say that about someone who was like that.
And it hurt trying not to think about why it hurt so much or felt so personal.
He didn't want to think about it. Didn't want to think about everything that happened over the past year. Didn't want to think about what happened when he heard that romantic song and thought about Sirius. Didn't want to think about why he spent so much time thinking about Sirius's appearance—his long hair and his long legs. Didn't want to think about why the ending of Some Like It Hot affected him so much. Didn't want to think about why his arguments and attempts to rationalize everything were getting weaker and weaker.
It was like… working on a potion. All the ingredients were put in at specific points and it was a weird mess until the end, and there was the potion.
Remus didn't want it to be the end, he didn't want to see what the potion had become.
But when he woke up on the last day of August (after a night of many nightmares) he sat in bed staring at the wall, a heavy stone of knowledge weighing inside of him. He bent forward, clutching at his chest as he tried to get rid of it, wanting to reach into his chest with his bare hands and claw this heaviness out. It shoved against him, making it hard to breathe, making it hard to exist.
He choked and moved his hands to his face, pressing his palms against his eyes as hard as he could. His thin shoulders shook for a few moments, until finally he was able to somehow lock the words away and push them into the back of his head.
If he ignored it, completely ignored it, maybe it would go away.
Or I truly am a freak, he thought as he got ready for the day, his limbs heavy. It took him multiple times to button up the shirt he grabbed from a dresser drawer without even looking, and when he finished he realized not only were the buttons done up wrong… it was a pajama top. He ripped the shirt off, buttons flying everywhere, and threw the shirt against the far wall.
"Remus," his mother said when he sat down at the table five minutes later wearing a t-shirt. Backwards. "I thought perhaps we could go for a walk today. You and me."
"I'm busy," he muttered into his porridge. Couldn't they see he had been turned to bloody shreds even though it wasn't the full moon? That his entire being had been ripped and torn to pieces until there was nothing left? How could they not see?
Hope gave a slight gasp. "Ah—you—but you're leaving tomorrow. I wanted to spend time with you."
"Go for the walk with your mother," Lyall said from behind the paper.
Remus angrily spooned up some porridge, some of it slopping off and onto the table. As he stared at the porridge dripping down the side of the spoon, he realized if he said what he really wanted to say—which was to scream no—he could get into a lot of trouble. If he got into too much trouble they might decide not to let him go back to school.
It felt like his skin was being grated away as he said through clenched teeth, "Yeah, all right."
What would happen if he chucked the bowl across the room?
Tomorrow, he thought half an hour later as he and his mother left the house. Tomorrow I'll be with them again.
He kicked at a tuft of grass, wondering if that was something he even should be looking forward to; seeing Sirius after everything that happened.
His chest ached more.
Hope was very quiet as they entered the woods, and didn't say much for quite some time. Remus shuffled along, shoulders hunched, hoping he wasn't radiating too much irritation off his body.
Hoping he wouldn't simply collapse on the ground and burst into tears.
Eventually Hope sighed and said, "I know something is bothering you, darling." She picked a leaf off a tree, twisting it about between her fingers. "I feel like you've been going through a lot of things this summer. Your mood changes so much. You're happy, you're angry, you're sad. And those nightmares…" She let the leaf drift away. "You still have them, don't you?"
"Yeah."
"You don't want to talk about them?"
Remus nodded, kicking at a stick. "You don't want to talk about them," he said without thinking. Then he literally bit his tongue.
Hope stopped in her tracks. "What do you mean?"
Remus stopped as well, jamming his hands in his pockets, shoulders hunching even more. Then he looked up, meeting her eyes, fury scraping along every inch of free room inside his body. "A lot of it is about when I was bitten." He was trying to keep his tone careful, trying not to yell. "Which you've made clear you don't want to talk about." Hope frowned, eyes getting a little watery. Remus held back a groan. "It's fine," he said before she could start getting into it. "I'm not going to continue asking about it." He shifted his gaze to the ground, focusing on a pebble near his shoe. "My nightmares aren't… well… I'm sure once I get to school things should get better."
"You prefer school that much?" Hope asked a little bitterly.
He groaned at that. "No. Not—Mum, it's not fair to compare home to school when they're such different things." Did he prefer school? Absolutely, but he wasn't going to tell her that. Is this why she dragged him out into the woods? To question him? "School—school—I'm busier at school. I have a lot more things going on, and less time to… dwell on things. That's what I mean."
He was hoping once he got back to school things would get better.
Though he was terrified of being around Sirius, of what might happen. Of this stone inside of him pushing and pushing until it burst free and everyone else could see that he was disgusting.
He was also worried these nightmares would continue too. He was used to having awful nightmares, but never this consistently. Never like this. Would they just keep bothering him for the rest of his life?
Hope fiddled with the collar of her dress, frown becoming more prominent. "You…" She trailed off and looked away. "What do you remember about that night?"
It took a few seconds for those words to sink in and when they did, he stared in shock at her. Was she actually going to talk about it? Tell him? "Not much," he admitted cautiously. "Bits and pieces. I remember you singing You Are My Sunshine and I remember…" He remembered, or thought he remembered, his father trying to explain to Hope that Remus was going to turn into a werewolf. "I remember… well. A lot of it I know is made up."
"Made up?"
"Yes. I—part of me—it's—" He struggled with trying to figure out the right words. "I sometimes have these memories of falling out my window to the wolf, or someone taking me to the wolf. Which is impossible."
Hope didn't respond, she didn't even look at him.
"Isn't it?" he asked, his voice barely a whisper.
"I don't remember much about that night either," she said slowly. "I remember Lyall bringing you inside and you were bleeding… everywhere…" She gave a sniffle and covered her face. "You were losing so much blood and there was this horrendous bite covering your entire upper arm." At that Remus reached up, sliding his fingers up his sleeve until his fingers brushed against the puckered skin. "You were screaming and then—then—then you weren't. You were so quiet. I thought you were dead. I thought you were dead. I—I thought—you—you—" Then she collapsed to the ground, crying.
Remus dropped to his knees, wrapping his arms around his mother as she sobbed.
"I thought I had lost you," she croaked out, hugging him tightly. "There was blood everywhere and you had gone so pale and—Remus, I love you, I love you so much, you know that, don't you? You're everything to me. You're my baby."
"I know," he whispered, pressing his face into her shoulder. "I love you too, Mum."
"I thought you died," she said again.
The two sat on the forest floor for what felt like an eternity, until the birds that had fallen silent when Hope started crying began singing again.
They went home after that, Hope going to her room to lie down with a cold cloth across her eyes. Remus retreated to his own room to sit on his bed and think. His mother hadn't really given him any new information. But now he understood more why she was so hesitant to talk about it. He had thought so much about the fact it was his trauma. Except it really wasn't just his, it was—she thought she had lost her only child that night. Of course he had known this, but hearing her talk about it really drove home how hard it was for her and he hadn't really considered that aspect of it. He felt guilty for asking her so many times and not respecting her when she said she didn't want to talk about it.
Miss Fawley can help me. At least, he hoped she could. It might be difficult, but surely they'd be able to get into the memory? Maybe? He hoped so. He needed to know what actually happened; what might have caused these false memories. Maybe he had fallen out his window and his memory was conjuring up some shadowy figure to ignore the fact he had, for some reason, been leaning out his window far enough to fall.
He wrapped his arms around his knees and stared at his window, at the grass outside swaying gently in the breeze. That could have been what happened. It didn't make much more sense than him wandering out in the night, especially since he couldn't imagine his parents allowing the window to be easily opened by a four year old. But he had always been precocious and a bit mischievous.
Next week. He rested his chin on his arms. Maybe by this time next week I'll have an answer.
-x-
Saturday morning was hectic. Remus had packed almost everything the night before, but there was something everyone had overlooked: what would they do with Arthur? Lyall thought perhaps it'd be best if Arthur stayed at home. Hope argued, asking how would they exchange letters? Lyall said Remus could use the school owls, which was when Remus piped up that he couldn't use the school owls because they hated him and were afraid.
"What do you want to do about Arthur?" Lyall asked.
Remus wasn't sure. Arthur was so old now and deserved to stay at home and rest. Except he couldn't help but worry that if he left Arthur at home and something happened his parents wouldn't do anything to help him. Nor would he ever forgive himself if something happened and he wasn't there to help.
"I'll take him with me," he said firmly. "I don't think he'll be up for delivering letters though."
Hope folded her arms, tucking them in close to her body. "How will we communicate? Last year was awful, we hardly got any letters from you."
Remus shifted from foot to foot, feeling a bit awkward since part of the reason he hadn't written often was also because he was so busy with his friends. In his first year they had written at least once a week and in his second year it had dropped to a couple times a month until Arthur got worse; during his summer term they barely exchanged any letters at all.
"Perhaps you could ask F… Fawley," Hope said suddenly, "and she could send letters back and forth."
"I don't think that would be fair to ask her," he replied. "She does a lot for me already, I don't want to ask for more." He tugged at his pajama sleeve uncomfortably. "We—we could get a new owl—" He stopped immediately when Lyall's brows snapped downward. "Or not. I should go get ready."
They spent so long discussing Arthur that it was getting very close to when they needed to leave. He ran downstairs and got changed, pulling on his 'new' pair of jeans that actually fit and a plain white t-shirt whose sleeves went well past his elbows, with a short-sleeved button up open over it. It was quite warm out and he didn't want to put on his uniform until they were farther up north. He did jam one of his new uniforms into his satchel along with a couple of books to read, some sweets, his earplugs, and the ten knuts he had in case he wanted to get something off the trolley. Upstairs he added in a thermos full of water, an apple, and two sandwiches which were wrapped in cooling foil to keep them chilled until it was time to eat them. He added a bag of crisps, carefully so the bag didn't pop open, and then closed the satchel, still feeling like he forgot something.
"Mum—"
"Yes, I know," she sighed.
Remus dragged his trunk up the stairs and out into the garage, heaving it into the boot of the car. Then he ran downstairs to get Arthur in his traveling cage, and a bag full of Arthur's things.
"How're you doing?" he asked as he carried Arthur upstairs.
Arthur hooted then closed his eyes, falling asleep before he was put in the car. Then Remus went back downstairs one more time to make sure he hadn't left anything behind. He looked around the room, under his bed, and even behind the loose stone. Satisfied everything was good, he dashed back upstairs.
"MUM!"
"Yes I know!"
Remus jumped into the passenger side, leg jiggling a bit as his mother sauntered into the garage. She got into the car, asking him if he could get the garage door. Remus let out a light swear, which meant Hope complained loudly as he got back out of the car and opened the door. Hope pulled out and Remus shut the door, having to climb up onto a rain barrel and then jump to grab the garage door handle.
"REMUS!" Hope snapped as he dangled from the door, pulling it down.
That's how I've always closed it, he thought as his feet touched the ground. "I'm fine, Mummy," he promised as he got back in the car. How else did she expect him to close it? Even jumping from the ground, it was too high up. "It's getting late—"
"I know, I know." She pulled out of the driveway and then they were on their way to London. When she put on her favorite radio station, Remus didn't argue. He knew after what happened the other day she'd probably never let him listen to another rock station again.
"I forgot something!" he yelped out, the music reminding him of a promise.
Hope slammed in the break and Remus was thrown forward against the dashboard. "What is it?"
"Um… the—the music albums you gave me," he said as she started to turn around. "Sinatra and—and all of those."
Hope stopped mid-turn. "Why do you need those?"
"To listen to?"
"You don't have a player at school," she said, forehead wrinkling.
Remus swallowed, armpits getting sweaty as he realized how close to the line he was. "No. Um. My—my dormmate has a record player he leaves out for anyone to use and—and sometimes when I'm in the dorm alone, studying, I thought it'd be nice to play the albums."
Hope studied him closely. "I don't know if you should take them…"
"Aren't they mine?"
"Er, yes. Yes, of course," she stammered out then finished the turn, pulling up in front of the house. She handed him the house key and he ran inside, getting the four albums his mother had given him a few years ago. He returned to the car, opening the boot and opening his trunk, placing them carefully in some of his clothes to keep them safe.
Then they were back on route, and Remus tried not to watch the clock. It took a few hours to get to London and if they were held up anywhere on the way then he might miss the train. He'd be able to get to school someway else—probably Floo—but he wanted to be on the train! He didn't want to wait hours to see his friends!
Except maybe Sirius. He finally tore his gaze from the clock and curled up a bit against the door. His stomach flip-flopped and his limbs became heavy as he tried not to think about soon being in Sirius's company again. Or, it might be okay—maybe it'll be all right, maybe I won't feel… like that.
He drifted in and out of sleep, surprisingly not really having any nightmares. There was one point where his foggy dreams included Sirius throwing him off the train after finding out what Remus was thinking, but other than that his in-and-out sleep was relatively safe.
They arrived at Kings Cross with fifteen minutes to spare, thank Merlin! Hope got a trolley and Remus got his trunk and Arthur's cage onto it and they went into the station, going to Platforms Nine and Ten. They had to wait as there was a family waiting to go through. Remus didn't recognize the people going ahead of them, but he knew the girl waiting for her turn and he hoped she didn't see him. Unfortunately, she turned and smiled when she saw who was in line behind them.
"Lupin! Good to see you."
"Er, h-hello, Bu—Buckling," he got out, trying not to notice his mother's face pinching up. "Um, th-this is—this is F-Florence Buck-Buck—Buckling. We, er, we do S—St—we do Study G-Group t-together."
Buckling offered her hand and Hope reluctantly shook it. "I saw Evans go through earlier," she said, pushing her glasses back up her nose.
Remus swallowed, gripping the handle of the trolley tightly. "Er, th-thanks."
"Flo! Come on, love," her mother (or who Remus assumed was her mother) called.
Buckling shrugged and turned around, running right through the barrier with her mother following.
"Who was that?" Hope asked as soon as they disappeared.
"I s-said," Remus muttered rather glumly as they approached the barrier. Hope preferred to lean casually through. Running at the brick wall made her nervous. "Buckling and I are in Study Group together. Er, as is—um—Evans." First Rivers in Diagon Alley, and now this! At least Lily hadn't been waiting when Remus arrived! That would have been a disaster.
He was worried when they slipped through, immediately looking around to try and see if Lily was anywhere nearby. He soon spotted her on the other side of the platform with her parents and Severus Snape who stood a little aside, already in his Slytherin uniform and looking a little apprehensive as if he hoped nobody would see them together. In fact, as Remus watched, Snape edged a little bit away from the Evans' family.
Friends in private, not in public, he thought a little angrily, but it wasn't his business who Lily was friends with.
He cast his gaze around to make sure he wasn't anywhere near anyone else who might cause problems—then his heart jumped into his throat when he spotted two tall black-haired boys with a furious looking woman.
Sirius.
Remus's knees went a little weak seeing his friend again. Sirius stood ramrod straight, looking rather bored as his mother shook her finger in his face. Next to him stood his little brother, who was already much taller than Remus (though a lot shorter than Sirius). Regulus Black was in his Slytherin uniform, while Sirius was wearing jeans and a blue paisley shirt which had to have come from James.
It looked good on him.
He hadn't expected to see Sirius like this, so suddenly, though it was probably better to see him like this—from a distance—rather than seeing him face-to-face and have to deal with the way his body was reacting with Sirius right there. His faster heartbeat, the sweaty palms, the dizziness, the heat, the difficulty breathing, his limbs somehow becoming all floppy and awkward….
Allergies, he remembered vaguely from when he talked to Lily. Surely you must realize this only happens around one person, she had said, and his mind jumped immediately to allergies, and the possibility of being allergic to Sirius. The bad part was he had actually said those words out loud to her.
Merlin, I was so dumb, he thought. No wonder Lily laughed so hard.
Remus gave a squeak when arms went around him, then relaxed as he realized it was his mother. He twisted around and hugged her back, trying not to hug too tightly. Please don't make a scene, he thought desperately as Hope began sniffling.
"I love you," he said, trying to wriggle free. "But I need to get everything on the train. I need to try to find an empty carriage, before they're all full. I don't want to have to sit with anyone."
That got Hope's attention and she let go. "Right." She stroked his hair then bent in to kiss his forehead. "I love you so much. Write as much as you can, or—or try to. Perhaps one of the school owls will let you." She kissed his cheeks now. "Be safe. Be very safe, and be careful—"
"Mum, I know—"
"—and try not to talk too much to those in your Study Group."
Remus stepped back. "I'll avoid them as much as possible," he lied. "I should go. I love you!" Then without waiting he wheeled his trolley to the pet carriage, where he got Arthur a nice spot near Cocoa. When he spotted the little owl he felt super excited. Peter was there! He glanced around for any sign of Godric—James's owl—but couldn't see him.
When Remus stepped back out of the pet carriage he almost ran right into Sirius who held Filibuster's cage. The two of them stared wide-eyed at each other for a split second; his entire body felt like it was humming with energy and his 'allergy' symptoms got a lot worse. Then Remus turned away without a word, since Hope was still watching him. His entire body grew sweaty and all prickly. Sirius didn't say anything, though Remus could tell his breathing had gotten a little faster.
"Rude little brats not looking where they're going," he heard Sirius's mother hiss out as he pushed his trolley to the luggage carriage.
"Are you fighting with him?" Regulus asked. Then, "That was one of Sirius's… friends. How come you didn't say hello?"
He felt eyes on him and knew Mrs. Black was staring. "One of the half-dirty-bloods," she sneered. "Is that it? One of the dirty ones? I certainly hope you've dropped it as a friend!"
Remus didn't hear anything else as he arrived at the luggage carriage and began dragging his trunk onto it, or trying to. He could easily get it himself but he had to look like he was struggling and after a second someone he didn't recognize helped him get it on board. Remus stammered a thanks and then stayed on the train, going down the corridors to try to find Peter. He felt more relaxed since Hope couldn't see him anymore. All the tension—well, some of the tension in his shoulders eased away.
On his search for Peter he stumbled across some of the other members of his Study Group. Simon Bones and Kyra Pierce, both of Hufflepuff, along with Rivers and paused to say hello to them. Pierce told him that she had seen Peter in the next carriage over and Remus thanked her before taking off running.
The third door he tried opened up to reveal the rather tanned face of one of his best friends.
"REMUS!"
"Peter!"
They flung themselves at each other, hugging tightly and stumbling a bit to avoid falling. They laughed as they squeezed each other then Peter shut the compartment door.
"We got here so early!" he complained as he plopped down onto one of the seats. "I've been here ages! Mum was busy today so Grandfather brought me in." Peter's nose wrinkled up. "By brought me I mean he dropped me off outside the barrier and told me he wasn't doin' any of that 'nonsense'."
"I'm so sorry," Remus said as he sat down across from Peter.
Pete shrugged. "S'fine, I've been reading one of my new comic books and watching people come through. Guess what! Guess what!"
Remus laughed at his friend's excitement. "What?"
"Malfoy got hit!" Peter covered his mouth and then doubled over, laughing. "He ran through and then for some reason stood by the barrier, like, um, I think he was looking for someone, but then someone else came running through and crashed into him."
Remus clutched his sides, laughing so hard he couldn't breathe. "Merlin, that's brilliant!"
"Shame I didn't get a picture," sighed Peter. "Oh! I know Sirius is around somewhere—"
"Y-yes, I saw him a moment ago near the pet carriage," Remus said, hoping his voice didn't get too thick or weird. "Has James arrived yet?"
"No, not yet. Evans did, with Snivellus."
"I saw him."
"Shame he didn't get run over."
Peter scooted over to the window and knelt on the seat, watching out the window. "I can't see Sirius so he might be on board alrea—OH! There's James! Hey, wanna go find Sirius?"
Remus didn't want to do any such thing, didn't want to be alone with Sirius. "Um, yeah, I—I'll go find him." He got up and left the compartment, heading back towards the luggage area, figuring Sirius would have gotten onboard there. Once he nearly got to the end, he opened one of the doors between carriages and there was Sirius on the other side, opening the other door.
They stared at each other again.
Then Sirius broke into a huge grin and jumped over, grabbing Remus and picking him up, swinging him around with a hug.
"Remy, bloody hell, it's so good to see you! Merlin, I wanted to hug you so bad out there but I figured your mother was around when you didn't say anything—I'm so happy to see you again!"
Remus felt incredibly awkward being in Sirius's arms, and did his best to hug back after he was set back on the ground. Sirius smelled so nice, and his arms felt nice around him. Too nice. He struggled to ignore everything spiking inside of him, pushing at his entire body, shoving, consuming—
Panic seized Remus and he yanked away quickly, smiling. "Good to see you too," he said, knowing he sounded a little too loud.
"You all right?" Sirius asked, noticing. Of course he noticed.
Remus rubbed his elbow, trying to keep his expression neutral. "Yeah. Er, it's been a long summer."
"Far too long," Sirius groaned, rolling his eyes. "I swear, if it wasn't for that time spent with you I would have gone completely crazy."
"Like you aren't already?" said a voice behind them.
"JAMES!"
"SIRIUS!"
The two crashed into each other, falling to the floor. Remus did a little hop backgrounds to avoid being knocked over. Other people trying to get by cast all three of them irritated looks. Finally James and Sirius stopped rolling around on the ground and got up, brushing themselves off, then hugging again. Then James yanked Remus into a tight hug.
"Peter's already got a compartment," Remus said when they parted.
"Excellent!" James laughed and threw an arm around Remus's shoulder and an arm around Sirius's, pulling them in close. "It's so bloody good to be with you again! Come on, let's get to Petey so we can properly be back together. And then you can explain to me what the hell you meant, Sirius, by seeing Remus this summer, yeah?"
He didn't tell James? Remus thought, surprised, as James dragged them down the corridor. They took up a lot of space but James wouldn't draw aside from anyone. Everyone else had to fall back out of the way.
Back in the compartment, James and Sirius both exchanged hugs with Peter while Remus wrote out a Do Not Enter sign to tack up on the outside of the door. Then he got back into the seat he was in earlier, and Sirius flopped down next to him, giving him a heart-wrenching grin that made him want to dissolve.
"MARAUDERS!" James screamed as he threw himself onto his seat, tearing Remus out of his panicky thoughts. "Back together again! ONE FOR ALL, ALL FOR ONE—"
"And four to the end!" all for chorused, bursting into happy giggles at being with one another once again.