Author's note: CW for teenagers piercing each others' ears (it doesn't show it, they simply talk about it) which also means discussions about needles, internalized homophobia

-x-

When Remus woke up in the morning he blinked sleepily at his curtains, feeling like something was wrong. Very wrong. He bent forward, pushing his hair back as he tried to figure out what was off. Then he realized… he hadn't had nightmares! How long had it been since the last night without one? He could barely even remember.

Is it being back at school? he wondered as he got out of bed. Is it having dormmates? Or perhaps he had simply worn himself out and his brain was too tired to attack?

Despite sleeping in much later than he intended, he was still the first Marauder awake—though David and Spinnet were gone. Sirius's curtains were also open to reveal his empty bed, but Remus could hear two people sleeping behind James's curtains.

After getting ready for the day, Remus headed out of the Gryffindor tower. On the way down to the Great Hall he made two stops. First in the fifth floor corridor where Theodore liked to brood, then, after giving furtive glances around, he went into the second floor girls' bathroom to greet Myrtle. Except she was in a very bad mood (even for her) and just shouted at him until he fled, promising her he'd be back later that week.

When he ran out the door he wasn't really looking where he was going and banged into a vaguely familiar Gryffindor girl who began berating him for being in the girls' bathroom, even though it was Myrtle's and permanently out of order. Great, he thought miserably as she dashed off, threatening to tell a Prefect. By the time he got to the Great Hall she had tattled, and the sixth year Gryffindor girl Prefect demanded to know if he had done it.

Remus shifted his weight, debating whether to lie or not. Finally he reluctantly admitted that yes, he had been in the lavatory, and tried to explain going to see Myrtle. His stammer was really bad and he wasn't really able to get much out past the initial confession and Myrtle's name.

"You went to antagonize poor Moaning Myrtle?" the Prefect hissed out.

"N-no—no—no, I—I w-w-wasn't—"

"Ten points from Gryffindor, Loopy, and I'll be telling McGonagall." The Prefect whirled around then hesitated, turning back. "Er, and here." She shoved four pieces of parchment at him. "Give those to your idiot friends too."

Remus took the parchments as he slunk to a spot at the Gryffindor table, cheeks burning red. Well, if she went to McGonagall maybe he could talk to her about what really happened. Loopy indeed! He sat down angrily. The stupid name was still sticking. And that doesn't help it, he thought when another Gryffindor gave him a strange look and he realized he was muttering to himself. Going even redder, he hunched over to try to make himself look smaller as he inspected the papers given.

The new timetables! That cheered him up a bit, despite seeing how few free periods he'd have this year. Nine total, two each day except for Thursdays when he only had one.

"Christ!"

He jumped in surprise. He had been aware that someone was behind him but had assumed it was someone just walking by until she spoke out. It was Lily, swinging her legs over the bench to sit next to him.

"G-good morning."

"Morning," she said, flicking some hair back. "Sorry, couldn't help but see the timetable. I mean—you're talking all the electives, right?" She reached over, tapping the parchment. "This—this whole thing is your actual schedule, isn't it?"

"Yeah," he mumbled. In addition to the very few free periods, he also had an eight am lesson every single morning. Goodbye sleep.

"How are you going to manage this?" she asked, folding her arms on the table. "Remus, I love you but you're absolutely mental."

He felt a warm flush go through his body when she said love. Not in any sort of tingling, a girl said she loves me! sort of way, but a comforting, ballooning, unromantic sort of way that filled him with joy. He knew she was only saying it as a way to say she cared about him, and without much meaning behind it… but it still felt really nice.

"Yes, that is well established in the school," he said, hoping he wasn't blushing again. He felt so warm and fuzzy. She had used the word before in writing, signing off her letters with 'lots of love' but that was different. Or, it felt a bit different.

Lily did blush. "Oh, er—I didn't mean—"

"No, it's fine," he promised. "It doesn't bother me when you say it like that." He paused before admitting, "Although a Prefect called me Loopy a few moments ago."

Lily straightened up. "Pardon? A Prefect?"

Remus shrugged, pushing the timetables aside so he could get some breakfast. Er, brunch, by this point. "Not the first time it's happened."

"Which one?"

"It doesn't matter—"

"Does so!" Lily thumped the table. "Nobody should be calling you that, least of all a Prefect! Ooh, you should tell McGonagall!"

Remus couldn't help but roll his eyes. "I don't think Professor McGonagall is going to be very pleased with me at the moment, I've already lost Gryffindor ten points."

"You?" she asked, narrowing her eyes before looking around. "Not one of them?"

He sighed. "Yes, me. I—er, I went to say hello to Myrtle, and someone caught me."

"Myrtle?" Lily looked surprised at that. "Moaning Myrtle?"

"Yes. I'm friends with—" He looked up at her and whatever words he was going to say were lost. "Um. Lily."

"Hmm?"

"Your—your ears. They're… very red."

Lily perked up. "Yes! Look!"

She suddenly leaned forward, putting her face close to his. His immediate response was terror that she intended to kiss him right there in the Great Hall, and there was a lot of laughter when he gave a slight cry of distress and jerked back so hard he fell off the bench.

He was on his backside, wondering how many times he was going to embarrass himself on the first day back! Lily had a hand over her mouth, giggling. Worst of all on the other side of the table Sirius came into view, a huge grin on his face from seeing him make a fool of himself.

"All right there, Remus?"

"Fine!" He climbed back onto the bench, wishing people would stop staring at him. "Morning. You're up earlier than I thought."

"James kicked me in the shin, woke me up," Sirius explained, sitting down across from them. "Morning Ev—Lily."

"Morning Sirius."

Sirius's eyes widened slightly, and he smiled. "Nice earrings."

"Thank you!" Lily pushed her hair back. "I was trying to show Remus and he flung himself away from me."

That's when Remus realized there were sparkly things in Lily's earlobes. That's why she put her face close to his. Not… of course.

"Er, s-sorry…"

He really hoped she wouldn't ask why he did that and thankfully she began talking about how she got them instead. "Cassie did them last night with a needle, we all have them." Lily turned her head this way and that. "Cass did ours then Ali and I pierced Cass's. Cass's sister got hers pierced over the holidays, and Cassie saw it done, and said she knew how to do it." She lightly touched her ear. "Her sister bought earrings for us. I tried to ask Mum if I could get mine done—professionally, I mean—but she blew her lid off. Said I'm far too young."

"It's… safe to do?" Remus asked. "On your own?" He knew pierced ears meant a hole in the earlobe, and couldn't imagine having one of his friends do that! Then again he'd never trust James, Sirius, or Peter to do such a thing. He supposed Alice and/or Cassie would be a little more trustworthy.

Lily licked her lips, looking as shifty as a Marauder. "We used lots of disinfectant potion."

Which wasn't an answer.

"Those our new timetables?" Sirius asked, pointing at the parchment in front of Remus. He nodded, flicking one over. Sirius gave it a cursory glance then frowned. "Bloody hell, you're not going to survive this year, are you?"

"I'll be fine," Remus grumbled.

Sirius was squinting at the parchment, bringing it closer to his face then pulling it away, making a face. "Ugh." He dropped it and wiped his fingers on a napkin, as if holding the timetable had dirtied them. "We've got Potions first thing tomorrow. Eight in the morning and I have to go see a bunch of Slytherins. I'd rather give the Whomping Willow a hug."

About ten minutes later Peter wandered in, and a few minutes after that James came dashing in, complaining that everyone had abandoned him. When he sat down, Lily stood up, saying she had better things to do than look at James.

As soon as she left Sirius asked, "How do you think they did that?"

"Did what?" James asked.

"Pierced their ears," Sirius explained. "The girls pierced their ears last night."

James raised an eyebrow. "And I care because?"

"Nah, nah, just wondering really…" Sirius munched on his toast, looking down the table at Lily.

"What, you want pierced ears or something?" Peter asked.

Sirius flickered his glance back to them. "My parents would go mental if I did," he said, in a tone that sounded like he was considering it.

"I don't think it's safe, even with disinfectant potions," Remus murmured. "Did you see how red her ears were?"

"Muggles get their ears pierced," Peter stated. "My older cousin has pierced ears."

Remus rolled his eyes. "I'm not saying it isn't safe in general. I'm sure it is, if a professional does it. I mean that I don't think it is very safe to have your friend jam a needle through your earlobe."

"I'll jam a needle through your earlobe, Siri," James offered brightly.

"I wouldn't trust you to jam a needle through cloth," Sirius retorted.

Peter scrunched his face up. "Can we not talk about needles jamming into bodies right now? I don't like that very much. It makes me squirmy."

"Ooh, sorry!"

"That's how Muggles do medical things," he added for clarification. "I've had medical things done to me with needles, it's… it's yucky."

The conversation changed to their schedules. Their first elective—even for Remus—was Care of Magical Creatures. All four of them looked up at the High Table where Professor Kettleburn sat. He was covered with injuries of all kinds, and one of his arms ended with a hook which he was using to stab bits of sausage to eat. James and Sirius were very excited to learn under him!

Once the Marauders finished eating, they headed out of the Great Hall together. Just outside the doors they almost ran into Jean-Marie and a Ravenclaw who was clearly giving him a tour. She looked down her nose at the Marauders before turning to Jean-Marie and saying, "Ces quatre vous voudrez éviter. Ills sont stupides, énervants et ne causent que des ennuis."

Jean-Marie raised an eyebrow at that, glancing towards Remus. These four you'll want to avoid. They're stupid, annoying, and only cause trouble.

"Est-ce vrai?" he asked, still looking at Remus. Is it true?

The Ravenclaw opened her mouth to respond, but Sirius jumped in first, flinging an arm around James. "Seulement pour nous deux," he promised with a wink. Only for the two of us. Then he smiled sweetly at the shocked Ravenclaw, asking in French if something was the matter.

Her mouth snapped shut, and her ears burned red. "No," she huffed out, taking Jean-Marie by the arm and dragging him into the Great Hall while Sirius laughed.

"She insulted us," Sirius explained, snickering. "Merlin, the look on her face!"

Jean-Marie appeared again, walking up to Remus. "Pardonnez-moi, devrions-nous nous retrouver demain soir après les cours?" Pardon me, should we meet tomorrow evening after lessons?

Remus shifted from foot to foot, feeling a little awkward. "Oui, ce serait bien. Après le souper à la… bibliothèque?" Yes, that would be fine. After supper in the library?

Jean-Marie nodded. "Oui." He turned around, going back into the Great Hall.

I hope he doesn't want to meet every night. If that was the case, Remus would definitely have to tell him he couldn't do it; though, he figured Jean-Marie wanted to meet on the first day to make sure everything would work out well. I need to drop Study Group, he thought as the Marauders continued along. All the electives, Occlumency lessons—oh, and he wanted to sign up for Magical Theory too! At least that only met twice a month.

"You're not doing too much, are you?" Peter asked, as if reading Remus's mind.

His eyes went big. "Wh—what do you mean? Why would you ask that?"

Peter shrugged. "You got a line on your forehead. Plus you're mumbling to yourself about the electives."

"Er. Yeah. I mean, no. I mean—I won't be doing too much," Remus promised as he followed his friends outside, wishing he was more aware when he talked to himself so he could stop. "I… I think I'm going to stop going to Study Group." That elicited surprised sounds from all three of them. "I was thinking about it last year anyway. Craft and Twycross are annoying."

"And Evans," added James.

Remus just shot him a look. "She'd say the same of you."

"I hope she would," James said, far too proudly.

All plans of spending the morning in the library fell to the wayside when James led them into the Forbidden Forest. Since there were quite a few students outside, they had to go a long, roundabout way to get past the line of trees before heading to their usual hangout spot. There was a rock about a quarter of a mile into the forest that was shaped like a sleeping dragon all curled up. In their first year, the Marauders had attempted to build a proper fort around it and failed. They tried a couple of times in their second year too and those also failed.

They lounged around the clearing for ages. Remus sat on the ground with a book in his lap, occasionally joining in on the conversations. James and Peter thwacked at each other with sticks while Sirius stretched on his stomach on the dragon rock, doodling in his sketchbook. Birds sang around them while insects droned, and the wind whispered through the leaves. It was very peaceful. Very comforting. Remus leaned back against the rock, closing his eyes.

Then a long-stemmed flower dangled in front of his face, tickling his nose. "À quoi penses-tu?" Sirius asked from above him on the rock. What are you thinking about?

"How nice it is to be back with the three of you," Remus answered in English, with a bit of a yawn.

"It is." Sirius clamored down off the rock, knocking against Remus. "I had a question."

Remus shifted, sitting up straighter to try to wake up. "Yes, I'll help you with your homework."

He blinked a few times, then laughed. "No, not that—well, er, all right, sort've that, yeah. I do need help to get everything done in time. Stop it!" he complained when Remus glared at him. "All right, you can give me the 'I told you so' lecture later. All I need to do today, anyway, is Potions, History, Defense, Herbology, and Astronomy," Sirius said, ticking them off his fingers. "I can do the rest tomorrow."

"You didn't get anything done?" Pete asked, stumbling from where James had 'stabbed' him. "Er, also Remus, could… could you…"

"Yes, I'll help with yours too," Remus promised. "James, do you need help?"

"Nah," James said, spinning in circles for no apparent reason. "All or nothing for me!"

Sirius began tickling Remus's face with the flower again. "I still had a question. About last night. If. Er. Well." Suddenly Sirius seemed awkward, which was a very unusual state for him to be in. "If I said anything odd last night… you know…"

"That isn't a question," Remus pointed out when Sirius didn't finish whatever it was he was trying to say.

Sirius raked his fingers through his hair, watching as James crashed into a tree and went down. "No. I mean to say… I didn't bother you with what I said, did I?"

"When?"

"Last night."

Remus rubbed his forehead, too tired for riddles. "When last night?"

Sirius rubbed the back of his neck. "What I said in French."

Remus gave a mental scream, resisting the urge to shake his friend. "I don't remember what all you said in French. I'm sorry. Obviously, though, that means nothing you said bothered me."

"Oh." Sirius sat up a little, apparently unsure how to proceed. "Er. Right, well, um—that's, uh, that's good then. Yeah." He looked very confused, though, and was giving Remus a very strange look. Remus was about to ask about it when James spoke.

"You know what we should do?" James wandered over to sit with the two of them, Peter scurrying along with him, plopping down too. "We could make a map."

"We have sorta done that," Peter said.

It was true, they had attempted to make a map of the school before but Remus couldn't remember the last time they had worked on it. Last time they used it, it was generally useless since some of the spots in the castle had shifted about. James thought it was annoying to have to constantly update it, and they ripped it up and threw it in the bin.

James shook his head. "No, not for us. Not anything very detailed. I'm thinking like… something simple, just a basic outline with arrows pointing around to show the stairs, main corridors, and classrooms. You know how lost we were the first few days!" He handed the paper to Sirius. "You could draw it, a page for each floor, and we could make copies, stick'em together like a little book, and give them to the first years!"

Then he frowned, forehead wrinkling. "No, wait, we won't give them the maps. We can leave them out for the first years. I don't want anyone knowing we would do something like that."

"What, be nice?" Peter asked with a snort.

James shrugged. "We do have a reputation to uphold. But." He fiddled with his glasses, a slight smile on his face. "I wondered about doing this last year, with all the little firsties running around lost, and I was thinking this morning—there was a first year that tried to follow me down to the Great Hall so I got to thinking about that."

"Did you… help the first year?" Remus asked.

"Er, no," James admitted with a sheepish grin. "I was too focused on getting to you three. I think I lost him on the third floor. Oops."

They spent another hour out in the forest before returning to the castle, where Sirius made up simple sketches of the various floors. Remus made copies of all of the floor maps while Peter stuck the pages together. James provided the parchment then took his invisibility cloak to go off somewhere, not saying where he went. He returned shortly after they finished making eighteen little map booklets (Remus said there were sixteen first years, while Peter thought there were seventeen; Sirius decided on eighteen to be cautious). When James took his cloak off, Sirius gave him a questioning look and James shook his head. Remus was very curious, but remained silent.

"We'll leave these out by the entrance tomorrow," James said, flipping through one of the booklets. "Big sign, saying for the first years."

Remus stretched his arms and got up, brushing his jeans off. "I really need to get to the library. If anyone wants to join me, feel free, otherwise I'll help you with your assignments tonight."

None of them joined him, as he figured, and he spent the entire afternoon holed away in a corner of the library. He sat on the floor near the back with books piled around him as he went meticulously through his own essays. He loved the Hogwarts library. It was so big and so… full of books. It made him feel comfortable and safe.

In his first year—the autumn term especially—the library had truly been his safe haven, before he made friends. Before Sirius wore him down with his begging to be friends.

Remus leaned his head back, looking up at the books above him while he thought back to their first detention together. But why didn't you turn me in? he had demanded of Sirius. Because friends don't do that, Sirius had replied. We're not friends! Remus had snapped. Then Sirius gave him that lovely, lovely smile and said, We could be. He went on to say he felt as if they were meant to be friends. Instant connection.

So what, I'm your destiny? Remus remembered himself saying, and his thirteen year old self cringed remembering uttering those words. He couldn't say anything like that now. Oh Merlin! Not with—not after what happened a few weeks ago, when his mother played that song on that hot day—

Heat crept through his body and he shook his head, bending forward to go back into his homework, trying to eradicate any of those thoughts from his head.

Then slowly his gaze lifted again. Library. There were thousands and thousands of books around him. What if… there was… information in some of them about his… about—about his…

He pressed his lips thin, clutching his quill tighter. He had read in some books, about—about those kinds of witches and wizards. Always the bad guys, killed or punished for their wicked ways. Disgusting.

Degenerate, his mother's voice hissed in his ear. Immoral. Wrong.

He gulped, hand shaking a little. Yes. It was. Almost as bad as his lycanthropic curse—if not worse. Which was worse?

Then he gave a little bit of a laugh, imagining himself asking his mother that question as she shouted down the stairwell that David Bowie was a horrible person for—for—for being like that.

Which is worse, Mother? he wondered, stretching his legs out, careful not to knock into the piles of books. Which would you prefer?

The smile died on his lips as he realized that most likely his mother would be dealing with both—

A sharp pain in his chest.

No. No. He refused.

He refused.

He shifted his gaze back to his parchment. Ink had dripped off his quill and splattered across his essay. He swore lightly, getting his wand out to try to get the little puddles up. He wasn't quite with it, and wound up sucking up some of the words too. At least he would be able to rescue most of the essay and didn't have to rewrite the entire thing.

While he redid the words he thought back to Lily's words from earlier, about 'love'. He knew what she meant, however the happiness that filled him after made him wonder if maybe—maybe he did have feelings for girls, or could have feelings for girls. Maybe it was just his body that was wrong, reacting wrongly. And… brain… with its thoughts… however perhaps deep down he could fall in love with a girl.

Except…

It wasn't romantic love he felt for Lily at all. It was something else entirely. He did have feelings for her—strong feelings—only they were not romantic in any way whatsoever. He wanted to hold her hand and cuddle up with her, just not like that. It didn't make him feel any way that a boy was supposed to feel about a girl.

Thinking about hand-holding and cuddling with Sirius, though, certainly made him feel all sweaty and excited.

Love.

He chewed at his quill, trying to sort out this sudden rush of feelings and thoughts about Lily. About the Marauders, too really. Love. He cared for them all, deeply. His bond, especially with the Marauders, ran deep. Probably too deep. Near the end of their second year he had subconsciously thought of them as his pack and part of him still clung to that word, that bond.

But love?

There was love for family. And love like that. And he knew in ancient Greece philosophy there were multiple types of love including philia love, which was a love between friends. Was that… did that…

I wonder… what Miss Fawley would say if I asked her. He kept chewing at the quill, not even looking at the parchment anymore. All he could think about was if it was okay—if it was normal—to have feelings that he considered could be love with his friends.