Author's note: CW for internalized homophobia

-x-

No moon tonight. The thought penetrated his sleep and he opened his eyes, trying to ignore the pain surging through his body as he lay in the hospital wing. But the full moon was over and done with. Plus since it was a Sunday he didn't need to worry about hurrying to any class; he could rest until curfew. With that pleasant thought he closed his eyes again, intending to go back to sleep.

Right as he was about to drift off, Pomfrey knocked at his door to inform him he had visitors. Remus woke up again, this time wriggling until he got into a sitting position. It was difficult without the use of his arms. "Who?"

"The boys," she said with an annoyed look, pushing the door open more to reveal the Marauders.

Oh. "All right," he said a bit stiffly, not really wanting to see them. He was still hurting over them not showing up the previous day, even though that was absolutely selfish. They could have swung by before the carriages left, a tiny part of his mind whispered as the three of them trooped in. They don't need to be by my side all the time, he pushed back.

However he could clearly see the guilt on their faces. And as soon as Pomfrey shut the door Sirius rushed to Remus's side and said, "We forgot how early the sun set, how early you'd have to leave. We showed up at five. We forgot… I forgot how early you'd have to leave. Merlin, I'm sorry, Remus."

Remus stared in slight disbelief at the rare 's' word coming from Sirius's lips.

"We're very sorry," Peter chimed in.

"Completely and utterly," added James.

Remus swallowed, trying to sit up a little more. "It's okay—"

"It's not," Sirius said stubbornly as he sat down, holding Remus's hand. "It was awful of us."

Remus didn't know what to say to that. He didn't want them to know how hurt he had been. "I… forgive you," he ventured, hoping that was right.

Sirius gave a faint smile, releasing his hand. "That's because you always forgive us no matter how dumb we are. I think you'd forgive us even if we killed someone."

Remus paused for a second. "Depends on if the person deserves it or not." He hoped he sounded joking enough though Sirius was right; he probably would forgive anything from those three. They accepted his lycanthropy. How could he not forgive them?

Peter approached the bed, swinging a bag off his shoulder. "We brought you presents!"

"Loads of presents," added James, holding up two bags as well.

"You—you d-didn't need—"

"We didn't, but we wanted to," James said, handing one of the bags to Sirius before opening his bag. "I got you sweets, a book, and yarn. Look at this yarn!" He dumped several boxes of sweets onto the bed, a book, and then showed off a large skein of yarn. It was dark blue—nearly black—and there were shining bits that looked like stars. It looked so much like the night sky that Remus wanted desperately to knit something right away, before he remembered that he wasn't knitting anymore. It wasn't manly enough, according to his father, and Remus needed to do anything and everything to be as manly as possible since he was—like that.

"It's beautiful," Remus said, fingers itching to touch it.

Peter added more sweets to the pile (not as many as James) and a bottle of butterbeer. Sirius didn't get him any sweets; instead he had bought a miniature figure of a dragon. It was about a foot long (a foot and a half, including the tail), and was motionless unlike most magical statues. Sirius showed him how the claws would grip a headboard and when you tapped it with your wand…

It lit up. Not incredibly bright, however the dragon gave off a very nice, gentle glow.

"It's a reading light," Sirius explained, tapping the dragon again to turn it off. "So you don't need to try to balance your wand behind your ear while you read at night."

"You didn't need to get me anything!" Remus said, running a finger across the realistic scales of the dragon. It was a Common Welsh Green. "You got me all of this before you knew you missed me here yesterday. So these are simply gifts, not apology gifts."

James shrugged. "We know, but we wanted to. I like spoiling my friends, dearest Remy. You don't already have the book, do you?"

Remus picked it up, expecting a spellbook to help with pranks. Instead he found a fictional book from the fifties, an adventure sort of book about a young wizard exploring a jungle. "No. This looks really good, thank you. Thank you all," he added, looking at Peter. "This is… wonderful. Beyond wonderful. This is like Christmas. You shouldn't have, really."

"We wanted to make a bet about you saying that except we all agreed you would, so it'd be a pointless bet," teased James. Remus stuck his tongue out and set the book aside so he could sort through the sweets to see what they had given him.

The other Marauders then launched into a big discussion about what Hogsmeade was like when one visited 'legally' which was, as it turned out, a little different mostly because they felt more comfortable going into other shops. There had also been a few sales up, celebrating the first trip into Hogsmeade. They all agreed it was strange seeing Hogsmeade so busy and crowded. They said most of the times they went into Honeydukes it was very crowded.

"Plus…" Peter trailed off, eyeing his friends. "We should tell him."

Remus raised his eyebrows, waiting.

James fidgeted and finally Sirius spoke. "The haunted house is a very popular spot," he said gently and Remus's stomach twisted. "Every time we went by there were at least a handful of kids there. They've put up no trespassing signs though we saw several people climbing over the fences to go see it up close."

He dropped his face in his hands, breathing a little funny as all his fears from the evening before poured back into him. "Oh." He kept picturing Snape climbing over the fence and coming right up to the house and—

Sirius put a hand on his sleeve. "Nobody can get in," he reminded him.

Remus nodded, letting his hands fall. Before anyone could say anything else there was a tap at the door, and Pomfrey opened it to reveal Lily. Her face fell slightly when she saw the Marauders and then when she saw all the sweets scattered across Remus's lap, she tightened her hold on the small box in her arms. Her hair had changed since the last time he saw her; now it was in gentle curls to her shoulders.

"I'll come back later—"

James jumped to his feet. "No it's fine, we'll come back later, we have something we need to… work on." He cast a knowing glance towards Sirius and Peter who got up; Sirius's fingers brushed gently against Remus's arm as he did. They all said goodbye to Remus, promising to see him again later, then left. Sirius and Peter told Lily goodbye, while James gave her a rude gesture.

"I didn't mean to interrupt," Lily said, sinking down into the chair James had just been occupying.

"It's all right, James doesn't like being in one place too long anyway," Remus joked.

Lily bit her bottom lip before slowly extending her hand, offering the small package. "I guess it's a bit dumb with all they got you."

Remus took the present and unwrapped it. It was a gummy tree with a scattering of small gummy sweets in the leaves like fruit. "No, I love this," he promised. "I think they mostly got me chocolates anyway."

"I know you love chocolate—"

"Honestly…" He gave Lily a smile. "I think I'm becoming more of a fan of fruity sort of sweets, like this. Gummies."

Lily rolled her eyes. "You're only saying that to make me feel better."

"No, it's true. The past couple of months I've been in the mood for these sorts of things. Honest."

Her smile returned and she scooted the chair closer. "All right, I believe you. How much did they spend on you though?"

"Too much," he sighed, sweeping all the sweets into one of the bags they left behind. He put the book and the reading light in another.

"Oh that explains why they were skulking about the bookstores," she said when he moved the book. He gave her a curious glance. "I saw them in the main bookstore when I went, and then I saw them going into another one, though it looked like they had a bag from the first."

"Probably finding books to help with pranks."

She nodded in agreement then slowly said, "You… look like you're doing well." Her knees were tight together and her toes were pointed with her heels off the ground. Her hands gripped the edge of the seat. She seemed nervous about something. "Better."

"I am feeling better, I think I'll probably be able to return to classes tomorrow or the next day," he replied.

Lily was chewing at her lip. "You fell in some poisonous plants, right? And that… that triggered your… relapse?"

His chest tightened and the age-old does she suspect? whispered through his body. "Yes," he finally said. She looked at him, as if wanting more. "Er, we're not sure exactly how it happened. Pomfrey thinks it was either the exertion of my body dealing with the poison or else the antidote and remedies were too much."

"Oh. Well." More lip chewing. "I'm glad you're doing better. I really missed you, yesterday."

"Did you have fun? How was Hogsmeade?"

Her eyes brightened and she launched into a long stream of how amazing, how wonderful, how perfect Hogsmeade was; how it was everything she had imagined and more. How it was like a fairy-tale village right out of a book. Remus listened to her every word, smiling at her excitement. Even when she talked about the haunted house he managed to keep a smile on his face.

She also gave him copies of her notes from the classes he missed, which he thanked her for profusely. Then, before she left, he swallowed nervously and asked her if she'd help him with something. He forced the words out quickly, so she'd hear them, so he couldn't think about it.

"With what?"

"A—a potion," he said, fingers curling and uncurling.

Her eyes narrowed. "A prank?"

"No. No, not a prank, a—a potion for—for… well, not for me really. Well, sort of for me, I suppose."

Lily frowned, tilting her head. "What are you going on about?"

He began plucking helplessly at the blanket. "An old potion. I'd like to try to make it, to—to see if I can. But I'm not very good at potions. And—er, since it's nothing to do with a prank James won't care to help."

"What about Peter? He's really good in Potions, isn't he?"

Remus felt himself shrinking up. "Y-yes," he stammered. "He is. But. It's a bit of a silly potion and he'd tell the others. I don't really want them… finding… out."

Lily stared at him for what felt like an eternity. "What sort of potion?"

"An old one," he squeaked out.

"Yes. You said. What does it do?"

Remus averted his gaze, feeling his entire body trembling. He should not have brought this up yet. Not while he was in his hospital room. Cornered. "Things."

"Things," she repeated flatly.

"Uh-huh."

She tucked a curl behind her ear. "What sort of things, Remus?"

He shrugged, still not looking at her. "We can talk about it later this week, when we—we work on it. Is that all right?"

"Remus—"

"I'm not feeling well," he whispered, feeling himself burning up from the inside out. "I should rest."

"Oh, you liar!" she snapped though not with anger, more with amusement. "You're fibbing, you just don't want to tell me—" She stopped, shaking her head. "All right, then. We'll talk about it later. But if you want my help I need to know what the potion does, that helps, you know."

He nodded.

"All right." She paused then suddenly bent down, her lips barely brushing against his hair. "I hope you do feel better soon. Bye!" She whirled around and took off, slamming the door shut behind her.

Remus slid down in bed, reaching up to touch where she had kissed. He was warm again. Not from… how boys made him feel… but more of a cozy, fireplace-with-a-book-and-mug-of-tea sort of warmth.

Smiling, he opened the gummy tree and picked off a couple of the gummy fruits to nibble on.

-x-

The Marauders did visit later in the afternoon, as did Aegis who told Remus about Hogsmeade as well; his blue eyes sparkled and he had a big, rare grin on his face. He, too, mentioned the haunted house. But he was very happy and it made Remus happy to see his friend like this since Aegis was usually so quiet and reserved.

At around seven (an hour before his curfew) Remus got dressed in the clothes that his friends had brought him earlier so he could leave. I wish all full moons ended on a Sunday, he thought as he carefully slid on his trainers. It was nice not having to fret about getting to classes.

His body had mostly recovered from the injuries, although he still had a horrible bite wound on his leg making him limp as he made his way through the castle. His satchel bumped against his hip, and he wondered vaguely if there were traces of wolfsbane on it. What about the clothes he had been wearing? Had they been cleaned thoroughly enough or simply tossed out? He never thought to ask. Hopefully they were cleaned. He couldn't afford to lose an entire uniform.

By the time he reached his dorm, his leg was aching and he felt blood seeping down his calf. He paused to make sure nothing had bled through his trousers then pushed open the dorm door to find a disaster area. Clothes, papers, trinkets, and pillows were laying everywhere with Peter in the middle of it all trying to clean up. Pete glanced up at the sound of the door and pulled a face.

"Hey."

"Um. What happened?" Remus gingerly stepped over a pillow and waded through the mess towards his bed.

"I don't know!" Peter sighed, pushing his hair back. "Sirius did this."

"Sirius?"

"Yes! He threw a tantrum. Got all mad and angry."

Remus set his bags down on his bed and turned around. "About what? Did Spinnet do something?"

Pete shook his head as he returned to cleaning. "No. I don't know. He's been in a huff since yesterday."

"He seemed fine when he visited…"

"Yeah that's the only time he was standable." He pulled a very annoyed face. "He's been making me and James battier than an old cave. Then he goes and throws a fit then storms off."

Remus sat down on his bed. "You shouldn't clean up his mess."

"I know but it's…" Peter paused, looking around him. "S'too much."

"What was his tantrum about?"

His arms spread out wide. "I have no bleedin' clue! We were talking and then he up and gets angry."

"At you?"

"No. About—about girls'n'stuff. That's what we were talking about. Girls, I mean. Then he gets angry. Says everything is confusing. And weird."

Girls. "Did things go poorly with Cassie?" Remus ventured.

Peter laughed at that. "No! That's the weird thing, it went fine! They spent 'bout two hours together all lovey-dovey. Cassie's forgiven him completely. But then he goes off, see, I mean—I mean tonight. He goes off about how girls are confusing, about how feelings are confusing, about how love is confusing."

Remus's heart wrenched at that. Love? Did Sirius love Cassie?

"THEN for some reason he starts going off about Pureblood society."

"Maybe someone gave him a hard time because Cassie is half-and-half," Remus suggested quietly.

Pete's face scrunched up, a shirt dangling from one hand. "Ooh, I never thought about that. You could be right. I dunno. He was in a fit, something awful, and does all this, and—"

The door swung open and Sirius stood on the other side. "He's not THERE, that gnomehead ran off before—" He stopped, seeing Remus. "You couldn't wait for us?"

"Erm." Remus panicked, sensing the fury in Sirius's voice that was definitely not present during his earlier visits. "I—I didn't know you w-wanted me to."

Sirius stared at Remus for ages before whirling around and slamming the door shut, leaving the two of them alone again. He heard Sirius stomping off down the hall, muttering to himself.

"Good Lord!" Remus stared at Peter whose eyes were huge. "What on earth has gotten his wand in such a knot?"

"Who knows."

"Well, where's James?" If anyone could calm Sirius down, it would be him.

Peter threw a heap of clothes onto Sirius's bed. "Detention, for throwing dung bombs into Snape's carriage when they returned from Hogsmeade yesterday."

He'll hopefully be back soon then, since it's curfew. Remus slid off the bed intending to help clean then winced in pain when he put weight on his left leg. It buckled under him and he fell to the floor. Peter gasped and hurried over to help him up.

"Fine, fine, I'm fine." Remus got back onto his bed.

"You've got blood on your sock," Peter said, staring down at Remus's foot.

He sighed. "I need to go change the bandages, I'll be right back." He got the medical supplies from his desk, clean trousers, and his slippers, and limped into the bathroom. Once everything was cleaned and changed, he cautiously went back to the dorm since he thought he heard Sirius stomping back; indeed, Sirius was throwing things around again—no, he was cleaning up.

"—didn't have to clean it up," he was saying to Peter, sounding rather accusing. "I was going to."

"You stormed off," Peter pointed out.

"I—that—well—that isn't the point!" Sirius spluttered before turning. "Are you all right?"

Remus arched his eyebrows as he slid past his friend. "Not with you being in such a huff. What's going on?"

"Not in a huff," Sirius muttered, kicking his pillow.

"Did Cassie not forgive you?" he asked, knowing that wasn't the case.

Sirius frowned. "She forgave me."

"So what's going on?"

Sirius shrugged, picking the pillow up. "I don't know." All right then. "Everything just feels…" He trailed off, and didn't finish his sentence. He looked rather distraught though, as he squished the pillow between his hands and yanked it back apart.

By the time James appeared, covered in polish and smelling quite rank, Sirius had somewhat calmed down though he kept restlessly running his fingers through his hair. Remus did his best to avoid him for the rest of the evening and managed until just before they went to bed when Sirius cornered him in the lavatory.

"You're doing okay?" he asked, sounding a lot gentler than he had all evening.

"Yes, my leg is doing better," Remus promised.

Sirius shifted from foot to foot. "We should have visited yesterday."

This again. "It's all right—"

"No. We don't get to visit you every time and we should be there as much as we can. It won't happen again." Sirius stepped back, half-turning away from Remus. "We'll make sure to visit every single time we can—or, I will, I suppose I can't promise for them."

Remus finished washing his hands and began drying them off, an uncomfortable prickling feeling going along the back of his neck. "It's fine, it isn't that big of a deal."

"That's because you don't think you deserve anything," Sirius muttered under his breath, almost sounding as angry as he had earlier.

Remus gritted his teeth, resisting the urge to snap at him. After a couple of calming breaths he turned to face Sirius. "I would much rather the three of you have spent a fun day in Hogsmeade instead of shut up in the hospital room with me. You don't… you shouldn't put anything on hold for me."

"I would much rather not have you be alone all day," Sirius replied levelly, staring hard at Remus. "We were stupid. I was stupid."

"That's nothing new," Remus joked.

Sirius scoffed and finally managed a small smile, reaching out to tousle Remus's hair. "How do you put up with us?"

How do YOU put up with ME? "By reminding myself every day that you and James were probably dropped on your heads daily as babies," he said in a very concerned tone.

Sirius swatted at him, his voice rather emotionless as he said, "Twat."

Oh, what if… something did happen, Remus realized, feeling ill. He knew the Blacks treated Sirius in a very… poor way. Perhaps they had let Sirius fall a lot as a baby? He desperately wanted to apologize but knew if he did it would probably anger Sirius; anything referring to the possibility of his parents… mistreating him… did.

"Oh come on," Remus said in a forced jokey tone to try to return Sirius to the semi-good mood he was in a few seconds ago. "You're telling me James wasn't dropped on his head? Then again, this is James, he probably dropped himself on his head."

"Okay, you're probably right about that," snickered Sirius, the slight tension dissipating thankfully. He tousled Remus's hair again before going to another sink to clean his teeth. Remus finished his pre-bed routine and headed back into the dorm, seeing James holding onto the rods that held up the curtains on his bed, swinging back and forth until he slipped and fell onto the ground, crying out in pain.

"Oh yeah, you definitely fell on your head as a baby," Remus said, ignoring the curious frown James gave him.

-x-

It was nice returning to classes the following morning, even if the first lesson was Potions and a particularly smelly one at that. He kept feeling eyes on him as he worked and finally turned, expecting it to be Snape and surprised to see it was Lily. She gave him a smile which he returned before going back to chopping up the stinky plants on the cutting board.

Oh. He realized she was probably expecting him to talk about the potion he wanted to make. Which… he needed to. He needed to get it over and done with, have her help, learn how to do the potion so he could make it on his own, pray that it actually worked decently on him, and then he'd hopefully be free.

Indeed, as soon as class was over she went right to him after they left the room. "Remus," she breathed practically in his ear. "How about we meet up at ten to talk about the… things?"

"What things?" James demanded, close enough to hear.

"None of your business, Potter," she sniffled.

"Homework," Remus supplied, gripping his satchel tightly. "It's about homework. Er, all right."

"Library?"

He closed his eyes, shivering. "N-no, not the—erm, meet me on the fourth floor near the golden armor with the winged helmet." She gave him a puzzled look but nodded, skipping ahead to catch up with Cassie and Alice. The other Marauders turned to look at Remus who kept his head down. "Homework," he said again. "Ancient Runes work. I need some help with the lessons I missed, I'm not sure I understand the notes." He pretended to start opening his satchel. "Unless one of you wants to help me figure out the archaic translation of the Wintermore Poem of 1232—"

All three immediately voiced their disgust at the mere thought, which Remus knew would happen. He shut his satchel flap, suppressing a smile.

At least Sirius was in a better mood today, though he refused to explain what had caused his issue the night before. Even James couldn't pry anything out of him. All Sirius would say was that either 'life' or 'things' were confusing, except once when he said that girls were confusing. Then he feigned a headache, dramatically dropping an arm across his forehead to stop the questions.

Remus barely paid attention in history, taking notes without even thinking much of them. He kept trying to figure out how to talk to Lily. What words to use. How to explain without really explaining. How to get out of telling her what the potion did, or would be for.

Too soon Binns dismissed his lesson and Remus gathered his things, heart pounding as he slipped out of the classroom. He bid farewell to the Marauders and headed to the fourth floor. Lily showed up a moment later and he took her into the room where he worked on Occlumency.

"Ooh," Lily said, hopping over to the squashy purple sofa and sinking down into it. "This is nice! Who did this?"

"Um, n-not sure," he lied, sitting down as well. "Just don't tell anyone about it."

"Of course not." She ran her hand across the armrest. "It's so soft."

It was strange having her in here, but he didn't want to risk anyone hearing a single word. A secret passage might have done well enough, however there was the risk of someone else coming in or passing by at the wrong moment. This way the door was locked, and it was spelled so their voices couldn't be heard in the hallway.

"What's going on?" She turned her bright green eyes to him. "What's all this secrecy?"

"Um." He tucked his hands under his thighs to keep them from shaking. "I found an old potion I'd like to try to make."

She gave a little giggle. "So you said. What sort of potion?"

"It… helps calm emotions," he said, giving a half-truth.

"There are loads of potions out there like that," she said doubtfully.

He ducked his head. "I know but this one doesn't… it's not… it's not as lasting on the system, it—it's not… addictive or… you know, things like that. I thought I'd like to try it occasionally, when my nerves get very bad from studying."

Her eyes narrowed. "Isn't this something you should be discussing with Pomfrey? Besides, couldn't a potion like that possibly cause you issues? I don't know if this is safe."

He squirmed uncomfortably. "It is."

"How do you know?"

"I—I just do."

She pushed her curls back, frowning. "You just do. Um. All right, this—I don't know… I think you should talk to Pomfrey if you're having trouble with… your nerves. I know you don't like doing that sort of thing, but—but messing with yourself like this—"

"It's not—I don't—" He stopped, sucking in air. "Please? I promise it's not bad. I don't even want to use it a lot. I just want to see if I can make it."

She began twirling a curl around her finger. "This doesn't sound safe, Remus. I'm sorry."

This had gone downhill very fast. "Could you at least look at it?" He pulled the piece of paper from his satchel where he had meticulously copied down the instructions.

"Where's the book?" she asked, taking the paper.

"Um, I didn't want to keep it checked out of the library for an extended period of time—"

"Because you don't want anyone to know you're attempting this," she finished for him before scanning the list. Remus remained silent. She tucked her curl in her mouth, chewing at the end. "Um. All right." She looked at him again. "Do you want to tell me what this is really about?"

"What do you mean?"

She waved the paper. "Scorpionfly wings mixed with agalla root is a heavy suppressant."

Remus stared down at his lap, realizing he had made a huge mistake asking Lily for help. Of course she'd know what some of the ingredients did. He should have just done this on his own. "That makes sense, though, doesn't it? Since it… calms… nerves… um… suppresses… anxiety?"

"Perhaps." She tapped the paper. "But I don't understand because there is also essence of bouncing bulb in here and those completely contradict each other. That's used for energy, typically, or—or being awake. But this obviously isn't an anti-energy potion. It's not a relaxation potion. It's not a sleeping potion. It—"

Remus reached out, taking the paper from her. "All right, never mind, I won't try it then." Lily stared at him with shock and he realized how rude he was to snatch it from her hands. "Er, sorry, I mean—"

"Remus." Her hands fell into her lap. "What's going on? You don't want the idiots to know, you don't want Pomfrey to know, and that potion makes very little sense to me."

He hastily tucked the paper back in his satchel. "Ha-ha! You passed the test!" he squeaked.

She blinked a few times. "Test?"

He forced a smile on his face, hoping he wasn't trembling too hard. This was going wildly out of hand. "James made the list as a joke to see if you could figure out if it was a real potion or not I said you would and you did and it proves how smart you are—"

"So this was a setup," she said darkly, folding her arms. "You played a joke on me?"

"Erm—no—it wasn't—I wasn't—"

She stood up and he thought she might leave the room. Instead she began pacing, pinching the bridge of her nose. "For Christ's sake, Remus, something is obviously wrong! You're lying, I know you're lying, and I don't like this, and—and I'll go to Pomfrey if I have to."

"No!" He jumped to his feet. "I'm sorry. Just forget all of this please."

Her eyes were full of pity and fear. "Please tell me what's going on," she asked softly, reaching over to take his hands. "What's going on with you?"

He bit his lip, trying not to look into those pleading eyes, trying not to let her voice get to him but it was too much. He cared about Lily and was lying to her. For good reason, of course, but now she was worried and he didn't like that he had done that to her. His heart was breaking. He was hurting his friend.

Besides, maybe if he told her part of the truth she might help him. He needed her help, he knew he did. He needed to fix this disgusting issue, could not let this go on any longer, and couldn't do it by himself.

"All right." He stepped back, sinking down onto the sofa. "I'll t-tell you. This… this potion is supposed to help me… from… liking someone."

Lily stared at him, eyes huge now. "Pardon?"

"I—I fancy someone." He focused on the purple sofa, digging his nail into the fabric, wondering how soon his heart was going to explode.

"I thought you did." She sat next to him, trying to look into his face. "Last year, when you thought it was allergies."

His face went brilliantly red at that. "It was!" he gasped out. "I mean, it—well—all right fine, let's forget about that, shall we? This is about now, not then."

"Mmhmm. So you fancy someone?" He nodded. "Who?"

He thought of Sirius's hair and Jean-Marie's mustache and Professor Prewett's smile. He wanted to rip it out of his head, to stop it—needed to stop it now. It was wrong, so wrong! "Someone I don't want to fancy."

She raised her eyebrows at that. "Oh?"

"A Slytherin girl," he said quickly. "She's very pretty but… very rude. Mean. I shouldn't like her."

"And… what?" Lily glanced towards his satchel. "You want to make a potion so you'll stop fancying her?"

"Yes."

She held her hand to her mouth, trying to hide her smile. "I think you might be overthinking things. Look. It's just a crush. It doesn't mean you have to do anything about it. You don't need to go after her, or date her. I've fancied a few different people, you know, and I never did anything. I… simply pined in my own world and moved on." She gave a slight laugh. "For the most part. And yes it would be nice to take a potion to stop feeling this way but it's… I'm going to be honest with you, because I love you." She took his hands and stared deep into his eyes. "It's silly to use magic that way, in my opinion. Fancying people is a part of life, more or less. It means you're… growing up."

"I don't care." He was aching again, deep down in his chest; his throat was hitching a little with nauseous feelings. "We have the means to stop, so why not do it?"

"You know, this is how I should have expected things to go." She let go of his hands and slumped back. "You fancying someone turns you into a huge ball of anxiety to the point of you wanting to make a possibly dangerous potion to stop yourself."

"I don't like my body doing things I don't want it doing!" he snapped without thinking.

"Neither do I!" she snapped back. "But it's not like we can…" She stopped, pressing her hand to her forehead.

"What? Not like we can stop it?" Remus motioned towards his satchel. "I can stop it."

"And I can probably find a potion to give me tits but it doesn't mean I should," she snarled. "This is dangerous and stupid."

Remus jumped up, fire coursing through his veins as the wolf began stirring from his anger. "It isn't stupid! It's not fair, that's what it is! I don't want these feelings!"

"Why not?" She rose as well. "It happens to most people!"

"I just DON'T!"

"It's perfectly normal—"

The wolf reared its ugly maw. "IT'S NOT NORMAL!" he screamed without thinking. Lily slowly closed her mouth and he realized the words that had slipped out. Realized he had just yelled at Lily. Realized he almost said…

"F-forget it." He felt tears welling up in his eyes and one slid down as he turned to grab his satchel. "Just f-f-forget it, forget it, it's stupid, you're right, forget it—"

"Remus."

He kept his back to her, more tears falling. How did it end up like this? A huge disaster. Where had it gone wrong? Was he really stupid, or was Lily wrong? He didn't think he was being stupid. Except for doing something that obviously gave too much away, that was stupid.

He had messed up.

He had severely messed up, and she might have—

She could have—

"Remus. Come on." He felt her hand on his shoulder and he flinched. "Talk to me. Something is going on."

"Forget it," he growled again, wiping his eyes off on his sleeves. He wished he could go back in time and stop himself from doing this. "Please forget I asked."

She seized his arm as he started to talk away, spinning him back towards her. "Please," she begged, clutching his arm tightly. "Tell me what's wrong, Remus. I'm here for you. I'm your friend. I care about you."

"Nothing."

"Fancying someone is perfectly normal," she said hesitantly, still gripping his arm. Her nails were varnished red and it made him think she was digging claws into him, making him bleed. He felt like he was bleeding. He felt like his soul was bleeding.

His voice choked as he spoke. "Yes, it is, you're right." He tried to shake her hand free and finally managed to do so, turning to go to the door.

"Remus," she said so sternly he froze in his tracks. "You're the one who started this, so you tell me right this second what's going on or else."

"Or else what?" He faced her again, not caring if she saw the tears streaking down his cheeks. "You don't want to help me."

"If I did, would you tell me what's going on?" she asked and he remained silent. "I figured as much. You're thirteen. This is what happens when you grow up. Most of us start developing feelings for other people. Attractions. You're just going to have to deal with that!"

He shook his head, wiping more tears away. "Not me. I don't want that."

"Because yours isn't normal?"

Her words were like ice spearing him through his chest and he hated himself for his outburst. "No, because I don't want to have these feelings," he said as lightly as he could though his breathing was haggard and the words came out in an almost frantic way.

She folded her arms again. "Why is yours so special? So different?"

Blood pounded in his ears and the wolf clawed at his soul, digging in, trying to rip through. This had gone too far, come too close. She was coming closer to the truth. It felt like it was there, laying under a thin surface ready to be revealed. What a stupid, stupid mistake he had made.

"Talk to me."

"I'm done with this." He turned, nearly tripping because everything was so blurry and the wolf was so strong inside that his vision was beginning to go black.

"Remus." Her voice was so soft, like a whisper of silk.

He kept walking, ignoring her as his vision pulsed.

"Who do you fancy?"

He neared the door and reached out, fingers brushing against the knob, then time came to a screeching standstill as his world fell down around him and his heart shattered into thousands of painful pieces.

"It's Sirius, isn't it?"