Author's note: a LOT of internalized homophobia in this one, emetophobia, disassociation

Also I will be getting another chapter out this Friday, I won't leave you on this chapter's cliffhanger for a whole week ;)

Also thanks to my European friends who UNJUSTLY and RUDELY coerced me into releasing the chapter early today.

(no im kidding they didn't, they're all wonderful and lovely and I love them)

-x-

No.

He had heard wrong.

No.

He misunderstood what she said. She meant 'serious' not 'Sirius', right?

NO!

"You fancy Sirius, don't you." It was a statement, not a question. She continued talking as if she hadn't utterly destroyed her friend, hadn't crushed him into dust and let him blow away into a fire.

Destroying him, she was destroying him.

Everything was falling apart, breaking away, expanding out, stretching into an abyss that threatened to swallow him whole.

Then everything rushed back into him so fast he felt he would fall over; or at least he'd fall over if he wasn't ice. Everything had frozen. His breathing—he wasn't breathing. His heart wasn't beating. His blood wasn't flowing. Lily said something else but he couldn't hear her. Couldn't hear anything except a rushing sound in his ears.

Slowly he regained control of his body… sort of. His limbs felt distant and wrong, like strange things dangling uselessly yet somehow attached to his body. But he managed to turn around to see her. To see those gentle green eyes, full of pity.

She knew.

Merlin.

She knew.

Somehow he managed to force a voice out of his body, force syllables out even though they ballooned from his mouth like someone had painted them there.

"Wh-what the hell are you talking about?"

The burning, inside.

The freezing.

Fear.

Terror.

The wolf was writhing within him, clawing so hard he almost physically felt it. Black vines were still at the edge of his vision, clutching to his eyeballs. He thought Lily could see the black there, see the poison.

Maybe it was the wolf controlling him.

"Remus—"

"That's disgusting."

Somehow the words were coming out, choking out from the ocean drowning him. From the bile rising in his throat, the fire inside of his chest. His vision was blurring even more and the wolf howled. It cried for violence, cried to lash out and destroy this enemy. He tried to push back but he was too panicked, too scared; it was a lot like when the Marauders admitted they knew he was a werewolf, when they confronted him. But it was so different.

"How could you even suggest such a thing?"

Was the wolf in his voice? In his eyes, peering out?

Lily took a step forward. "Remus, it's okay—"

He pressed back against the door, the knob jamming against his back. "That's vulgar. Wrong. That's so wrong and—and how could you?" The room was swaying back and forth and he felt himself slipping away. "That's absolutely—ab—absolutely degenerate."

Her word.

His mother's word.

"Filthy."

Her voice, coursing through his body, forcing its way out through his tongue.

"Vile."

Each word hurt him more, knowing they were true. They were true about him. He was vulgar, degenerate, filthy, vile. He was unspeakably wrong.

And she had seen him for it.

It wasn't like the lycanthropy. It wasn't like there were hints, it wasn't like he disappeared a few days a month which meant he was like that. How did she know? How?

"Remus—"

The wolf sunk in and the words came out, words he'd never say, or think to say, or want to say. "You're disgusting."

He turned without seeing. Grabbed the doorknob without feeling it. Fled without realizing it until he began stumbling, lost, falling—he was falling. Where was he? He reached out, grasping for the wall. His fingers met stone even though he could barely feel it. He blinked, trying to regain his vision. Everything was tight, squeezing him, wrapping around him trying to make him burst.

A voice, in the distance.

Her voice.

He ignored her, going forward, trying to see. There was a painting, a bench. A tapestry. A unicorn. The passage. He went into the secret passage where they waited during Occlumency lessons and collapsed to the floor, curling into a little ball, trying hard to breathe.

Hurried footsteps out in the hall, going past. She didn't see him go in. He was safe.

Sort of safe.

Not safe at all.

Sirius, she had said.

Sirius.

She knew, how did she know? Was it obvious? Had he somehow given it away? Was it tattooed on his skin for the world to see? When he thought he hid it, did others actually see the truth whenever he looked at Sirius?

Poof, he remembered Spinnet calling him, for the way he dressed at one of the games. Was it how he dressed, really? How he acted? Because he knitted? Because he didn't show any obvious interest in girls? Because he didn't like the kiss they shared last winter? She hadn't particularly liked it either so he doubted that was it, but…

He curled his fingers into fists, pressing the fists against his forehead. What had done it? What had given it away? Did anyone else know? Was it because Lily was a girl that she somehow saw more? Was he safe from the Marauders knowing?

Not if she tells everyone, he thought, trying not to throw up. Except… even as horrifying a situation as this was… he couldn't see Lily telling anyone, not even this. She'd be disgusted but—

Would she? The pity in her eyes, her voice saying 'it's okay' when it obviously wasn't okay in any way, shape, or form. Did… Muggles…? No, his mother hated it—except Lily was younger, more modern. Did that make a difference?

Nobody's perfect.

Everyone was attacking him, buzzing along his skin, electrifying his nerves. He could feel the weight of the universe crushing down against him.

He dug his knuckles harder against his skin until it hurt. Were there more Muggle films like that? Was it something that some Muggles didn't find absolutely filthy? Did Lily not… think it was as… disgusting as it was? Maybe… Except even if she didn't, she couldn't know about him. He'd have to make it clear to her she was wrong. This wasn't the Muggle world, this was the wizarding world, and people like him were almost as reviled as… well, werewolves.

I have to find her, to talk to her.

To tell her it was wrong. That she was wrong.

He couldn't get up, couldn't convince his limbs to obey him. The wolf was still pacing inside of him, snarling, drooling, howling. He felt something pent up inside of him needing to lash out—needing to be violent. Wanting to be violent.

He gave a slight wail and curled up as tight and as small as he could. I'm a boy, I'm not a wolf, I'm a human, not a wolf, not a wolf, not a WOLF!

He pushed with all his might which, considering his emotional state wasn't much at the moment, and he felt that blissful snap inside of him. The wolf retreated and blood began running down from his nose.

He still didn't get up, though. He simply lay there in the dark feeling weakened, and miserable. Finally, the exhaustion took hold of him, or so he assumed, because the next thing he knew he was jerking awake. He had definitely slept. He could feel that he slept but for how long? He didn't have a watch nor did he know how to do the time spell very efficiently. He tried, though. Pulled his wand out and gave it a quick clockwise twirl.

"Tempus ostendium," he croaked out.

There was a faint streak of light which faded nearly immediately. He dropped his arm and scooted over to the wall to lean against it. Had he missed class? Two classes?

Get up and get out of the passage, there's a clock in the Occlumency room.

He stared at his legs, which refused to obey his commands. They were still useless tubes unattached to his consciousness. Finally he gave up and simply closed his eyes, resting his head back against the stone. Eventually he fell asleep again, or so he assumed; it was difficult to tell.

Nothing made sense anymore.

This time he was able to get up. His muscles protested and he had to lean against the wall for a moment, trying to gain balance. Finally, he wiped the blood off his mouth, picked up his satchel, and left the passageway.

According to the clock in his Occlumency room, it was nearly one-thirty. He had missed Defense, lunch, and Herbology. The other Marauders must have been frantic. Lily probably was too…

By this point McGonagall knows I've been missing. He wiped his face again and made his way to the hospital wing in a sort of daze, not knowing what else to do. He couldn't go to class, not like this. Madame Pomfrey was tending to a first year who had bright yellow spots all over her arm and Remus sat down on a bed to wait.

"What is going on? You're covered in blood."

"Nosebleed," he whispered. "And…" And what?

My best friend—one of them, at least, found out… guessed my horrible secret? My other horrible secret, that is. All of this inside of me, both, both horrible, what is wrong with me?! Why am I like this?

"And?" Pomfrey prompted.

Remus opened his mouth to tell a lie and instead he burst into tears. "I can't do it," he sobbed. "I can't do it."

Pomfrey's expression softened and she sat down next to him, a hand on his back. "It's all right, Remus." He continued sobbing until she got a cold, damp cloth to clean his face off. That helped calm him down. What really helped was the potion she gave him before tucking him into one of the beds. "You rest here," she said, shutting the curtains around him.

He did rest again, with the potion helping drag him into a nap that lasted around an hour. The only reason he woke up was Pomfrey shaking him gently and when she stepped aside, he saw McGonagall.

Oh no, he thought, sitting up, the world tilting dangerously around him. I'm in so much trouble.

He felt as though he had been flown up somewhere high—very high—miles high, and then dropped. The world was rushing towards him and he was helpless to stop it.

McGonagall sat down in a chair while Pomfrey closed the curtains. "Remus," McGonagall said gently. "What happened?"

"I… w-wasn't feeling well," he mumbled, twisting part of the blanket around a finger, trying not to hyperventilate.

McGonagall spoke slowly, carefully choosing her words. "Poppy said it seemed like you had a… bit of a nervous breakdown."

He shrugged in response, avoiding her eyes.

"Is this about your lessons?"

He did glance up at that, horror spreading through his otherwise numb body as he realized the adults probably assumed he had a breakdown over his schoolwork. "No!" he gasped out. "No, not school—not—no, it's n-nothing to do with school. I'm happy with my lessons, I'm h-happy taking all the electives, Professor, I promise I'm—it—it's not that."

"It's perfectly fine if you are having trouble with taking all the electives, you wouldn't be the first one to—"

"No, please," he pleaded, his head throbbing with pain. This was too much! He couldn't deal with this problem, not right now! Why was everything happening right now?! "I promise it's other things."

McGonagall went quiet for a moment, waiting. But what could Remus say? He hated to lie to her. He knew he could probably say he felt awful about missing the Hogsmeade visit, blame the full moon, use his lycanthropy as an explanation. Except that was cheap and wrong. However, if he didn't say something she might keep assuming it was the lessons. What if she wrote to his parents? His father would be more than happy to make him cut back on the electives.

Plus… well, he needed to lie to people anyway. As much as it pained him to lie to someone he cared about and admired as much as McGonagall—who knew the truth—what was another lie in the many he'd have to give out in his lifetime?

So he hung his head and used his curse as an excuse. He was upset he missed so many classes, upset he missed the Hogsmeade visit, it wasn't fair, he knew he couldn't do anything about it, but he couldn't help but be jealous of his friends, and he was still tired from the moon—so tired, so weary, that he fell asleep during his free period and when he woke up realizing he missed more lessons he had a breakdown. It made him feel weak, made him worry if he missed too many classes he'd be expelled.

Each word burned as it slipped out and when he finished he looked up, disgusted with himself to see the look in his teacher's eyes. She believed him.

But what about the nosebleed, she wanted to know. I have them sometimes, he pointed out which was the truth and she knew it. She nodded at that before reaching out to rest a hand on his shoulder.

"I am so sorry you have this burden," she said, sending him spiraling into more guilt. "First of all, I want to make it clear that missing lessons won't get you expelled unless you stop going to class altogether, which I highly doubt you would. Do not get anxious over missing some due to… your… health. Now. It's understandable to be upset about missing out as you did. It is unfair your first… real visit into the town was taken away from you."

He had a momentary flash of fear that she knew he had snuck in before until he realized she meant the little trip to the Three Broomsticks she had taken him on a few months ago.

"However…"

He tried not to groan.

"If you are overwhelmed from taking all the electives, please don't push yourself," she said softly. "In addition, if helping out Mr. Charlemagne is too much—"

"No," he said quickly. "I like doing that. Though I don't know if I'll be able to meet with him tonight."

She nodded. "Very well. But don't hesitate to come to me if you need anything, Remus."

"I know, Professor. Thank you." He took in a deep breath and put as much meaning into his voice as he could as he did speak the truth, to make up for his lies. "I'm very grateful to have you as my teacher and Head of House."

She gave him one of her rare smiles and squeezed his shoulder before leaving. He heard her talking to Pomfrey, however their voices were too low and distant for him to hear. Pomfrey soon showed up, telling him that McGonagall gave orders for bed rest until evening. Remus didn't argue this because he didn't want to go to class with Lily, didn't want to see her.

He didn't know how he'd deal with the inevitable confrontation but at least he'd have some time to prepare whatever he could to convince her he wasn't like that.

-X-

The Marauders showed up not too long after McGonagall left, looks of concern on their faces. They talked all at once though the words were more or less the same thing: what happened? It took Remus a moment to gather himself enough to talk because he felt like emptying his cauldron. All he could think of was the fact Lily had gotten suspicious; would they? He looked at each of his friends feeling worse with each passing second.

He managed to tell them something similar to what he told McGonagall, hoping they'd believe it. Or even blame his workload. It was all right if they blamed his workload, they couldn't do anything about it unlike McGonagall. Only McGonagall didn't know what Remus was doing earlier, didn't know he had met up with anyone. The Marauders did, and focused on that.

"It has nothing to do with Lily?" Sirius asked suspiciously.

"Wh-why would it?" he asked nervously, trying to appear casual as he avoided looking directly at (it's Sirius, isn't it?) him.

"It's clear something happened around her. She's been in a huge to-do since you didn't show up for Defense, and by Herbology it looked like she had been crying," yawned James.

Remus clenched his teeth, feeling awful for his friend while simultaneously wanting her to feel guilt over what she did to him. Which was horrible of him, and he knew it. "Did she say anything?"

"Mostly wanted to know if we heard from you," Peter said. "McGonagall told us on our way back from Magical Creatures. That you're in here, I mean."

Which explained the sweat and smell, they hadn't even bothered to get a shower first. "Shouldn't you go get cleaned up for practice?" he asked James.

"Why? I'll only get gross again. Did Red say something to you?" James sounded far too eager. "Did you have a fight?"

He shook his head. "It was from everything this weekend, that's all." He knew he couldn't stand to have them around him much longer. His skin felt tight and itchy. "I—I don't know if Pomfrey will be all right with you being here, I'm supposed to be resting."

"Pomfrey can stuff it," Sirius said.

"And then not let you visit me again," Remus said.

"It really has nothing to do with Red?" James sighed, disappointed now. Remus shook his head again. "Allll right. Will you be back tonight?"

"Yes."

They got up, Peter patting his arm before they left. Remus sighed at the relief of being alone. Unfortunately, he wasn't alone for long because soon Lily showed up. She crept into the hospital wing, forehead wrinkled when she saw him. She hesitated, hovering several feet away. Remus looked down, feeling his insides turning to liquid fire. Neither spoke for a long stretch of time until finally she took a few steps forward.

"Remus?"

He didn't say anything. Didn't know what to say, didn't want to say anything except to tell her he wasn't like that! But he'd never say it in the hospital wing where someone might hear, even if no one was around.

"I'm sorry." She grew closer, hands twisting anxiously. "Christ, I'm sorry Remus, I—I shouldn't've said—shouldn't—"

"It's fine," he forced out, using up all his willpower to make himself lift his chin to see her.

Lily slinked to the chair, sitting down. He could hear her heartbeat going hard, could smell the tears soaked into her clothes. Her eyes were puffy and bloodshot from crying so much. "You're in the hospital wing because of me, because of what I said."

Remus cast a glance around, as if expecting someone to pop out to hear their conversation. Didn't she understand this was not the place for this? "It… wasn't only that. It was everything."

She gave him a long look. "I'm not stupid, I know I hurt you." She, too, glanced around as if knowing this wasn't something to be said around others. "What I said back there—"

"Please don't."

She licked her lips, scooting to the edge of the seat. "Can I say—"

"No, you can't," he cut her off swiftly, trying to ignore the hurt in her eyes. "Look. It…" He swallowed heavily, hoping she couldn't see past his words. He needed her to hear his words and his meaning, and to accept them. "It's not something to even say about someone, in the wizarding world, all right? Not even lightly." She stared silently at him. "It's an insult. It's something… Spinnet would say. Or Avery or Mulciber, to hurt others."

"It isn't an insult," she whispered.

He jerked at those four words, trying not to look shocked. "It is," he said, not knowing what else to say. "Maybe not where you're from but here it is. I suppose I was surprised you'd suggest such an unspeakable thing. I wasn't thinking clearly, and I got angry, and I'm sorry for that."

He hoped she'd accept his apology and that would be that.

Instead she said, "It's not an insult. Or rather, it shouldn't be. It—it is where I'm from, if you're meaning the Muggle world, and I'm sure it's worse here because the wizarding world is bloody backwards." Now it was his turn to stare silently, once again in shock. "I can't stay long, because Ancient Runes starts soon." She stood up, chest heaving as she suppressed what he suspected was more tears. "But please can we talk about it later? Because I need to—um. Well, anyway, please. I know that… you're not… like that."

It felt like a boulder lifted off his chest as she turned to walk away.

"I know you're not that full of hate," she said, so quietly he almost didn't hear her. "You can't be."

Suddenly she turned, took a few confident strides forward, kissed his forehead firmly, and left.

-X-

After supper in the hospital wing, Remus left, promising Pomfrey he felt better. She still thought it was his lessons and reminded him not to push himself. He trudged through the castle, hoping the Marauders were still at James's practice and hoping Lily was at supper. The common room was mostly empty when he went in and, after a furtive glance around, he hurried up the stairs to his dorm. He dove into his bed, letting out a long sigh.

Parts of him still felt missing, and he felt lightheaded and dizzy. He couldn't believe what happened, couldn't believe that she said—that she thought! Well, she didn't anymore, that was the important thing. She said she knew he wasn't like that.

Or did she mean she knew you weren't full of hate, like she said after? a voice whispered.

Remus squeezed his eyes shut, shaking his head. No, she meant she knew he wasn't like that. If she meant she knew he wasn't full of hate she'd say so, not that weird way—

He opened his eyes. What did she mean, full of hate? The words finally struck him, finally settled in his head to the point of realization. Wait, what did she mean she knows I can't be that full of hate? Full of hate about what? Hom… he stopped himself before thinking That Word. She said it shouldn't be an insult…

He began chewing at his thumbnail, confused. Full of hate, shouldn't be an insult, bloody backwards. What had Lily really meant? She could NOT mean that she thought being like that was okay, right? Because it wasn't okay, it absolutely wasn't. Not even in the Muggle world, she said so.

But then why did she…?

Knock-knock-knock.

Lily's voice drifted through the door. "Remus? Madame Pomfrey said you left the hospital wing." He clutched his blanket around him, heart pounding, mouth going dry. "Are you there?" Slowly he slid out of his bed and then under it, trying to be as quiet as possible. "Can we please talk?" He cowered under his bed, hand covering his mouth to keep his breathing quiet too. "All right, all right. We'll talk some other time, but we do need to talk."

He heard her leaving and breathed out, body going limp with relief. He waited a few more minutes before getting back into his bed and laying there blankly until his friends showed up, too preoccupied to study or read or work on homework. When the Marauders came in he lied, saying he had a very important Divination essay to write out. They reminded him he had just been in the hospital wing, and asked why he needed to do homework. Remus gave them what he hoped was a smile (though figured it was more of a grimace) and shrugged, saying doing homework helped him feel better. He wasn't sure how much they believed him, but they left him alone.

Astronomy tonight, he thought, reaching into his pocket for the slip of paper Pomfrey wrote out, excusing him from the lesson if he wished. He didn't want to miss more lessons however he also didn't want to see Lily right now.

He also didn't want to be around anyone.

He got a shower and then a nap, trying his best to ignore Sirius's eyes on him as he climbed into bed. He didn't sleep, though; couldn't sleep. He curled up with Gwyllgi against him, all of Lily's words floating around his head. Is it Sirius? You can't be so full of hate. It shouldn't be an insult.

He twisted and turned, kicking his blankets off and pulling them back up. At one point Sirius came over to ask if he was all right. He said he was all right, didn't need anything, it was fine. Sirius stood at his bed for a moment then said, "If something's wrong you can talk to me."

Sirius, standing there.

You fancy Sirius.

Sirius, watching him.

Remus wasn't sure if he could even breathe; not from the wrong feelings but from panic. Sheer, utter, terrifying panic. Somehow he managed to say, "It's been a long day, that's all."

"All right, then."

Before long it was time for Astronomy and once again he debated whether to go or not.

He couldn't.

He gave the paper to James, avoiding his curious eyes. "I'm tired," he whispered. "I'm too tired."

"For class?" Peter asked, looking amused.

Remus wrapped his arms around his middle. "I'm still trying to deal with everything that happened today."

"It's not Evans, is it?" James asked.

"No," Remus lied. Partially lied. He considered telling them that being around people made his skin hurt, but that was way too weird, way too much.

He'd have to talk to her again soon. He'd simply have to… try to convince her again that it was nothing, meant nothing, he wasn't, and didn't want to talk about it. He'd tell her he forgave her, wasn't mad at her, wasn't upset.

Do anything and everything to bury this as far down as he could.

-X-

"Remy?"

It was after Astronomy, and Sirius was by his bed again. Remus tried not to groan or yell at him to go away. Instead he pulled back the curtain, blocking the small entrance he made in case Sirius tried to climb in.

He knew he'd die if Sirius did that.

Instead he held out a piece of folded up parchment. "Lily wanted me to give you this note."

Remus took it, unable to look at him still as Lily's voice echoed in his head about him fancying Sirius. "Did you read it?" he asked, beginning to sweat.

He looked injured. "Of course not! James wanted me to, but I didn't."

"Oi!" James snapped.

Of course. "Thank you."

"You did fight with her, didn't you," Sirius said, not framing it as a question.

Remus clutched the paper, knowing James and Peter were watching him too, waiting for the answer. "A small one," he finally said. "It was more of a misunderstanding. I've forgiven her but she wants to keep talking about it while I don't."

James tilted his head before grabbing Remus's arm, dragging him out of the room and into the lavatory. "Does she suspect?" he whispered.

Remus wondered if he was having a heart attack. "Wh-what?"

"You've been sort've acting a bit like you did when we told you we knew," James said, fingers tight on Remus's wrist.

"No," he got out, understanding what James meant now. "No, it wasn't that. Honest. If it was, I'd tell you."

James inspected him closely. "Siri's really worried about you."

"I've had a rough few days." Remus got his arm free. "The wolfsbane right before the full moon, it was a lot."

James finally accepted this, and Remus gladly went to bed. He had nightmares all night, though, like he suspected he would. Lily confronting him, telling him he was like that, telling other people he was like that, telling Sirius that Remus was like that. He twisted himself into a bundle with his blanket and was struggling to get free when Sirius came to check on him.

"I don't care," Sirius said, ignoring Remus's insistence that he was fine and climbing into bed. Remus scrunched himself up against the headboard, unable to deal with being in close and private proximity with him after what happened with Lily. "You've not been yourself all day. You don't miss classes unless it's an emergency."

He felt so overwhelmed and wanted to give up. Just… tell Sirius everything and then leave the school. Or cry, he thought he might cry too. But either way he was tired of repeating himself, tired of telling his friends over and over that he was fine.

"I'm grateful you're worried but I really just want some peace and quiet right now," he whispered. "Please. I promise I'll explain everything when I'm feeling better." Sirius narrowed his eyes. "I promise."

"All right, then," he said, the same thing he said earlier in the day when Remus tried to get rid of him. Only this time he sounded rather hurt. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight." He listened to Sirius return to his own bed, then curled back up, shivering with misery until he was dragged back into his nightmare-riddled sleep.

-X-

Merlin, Remus thought when he woke up, remembering his first lesson was Arithmancy which meant he'd have to deal with Lily without the Marauders there. She'd want to talk for sure, either before class started or after. Maybe he could push her off until after Muggle Studies? That way if things went downhill he would have a couple of hours before needing to deal with another class.

With luck it would go fine. But he didn't seem to have much luck.

He rubbed his eyes, slowly getting dressed until he hurried down to the Great Hall. Sure enough Lily was waiting for him, practically pouncing on him as soon as he reached the Gryffindor table.

"Did you get my note?" she asked, following him as he sat down.

"I did," he said, hoping his hand wasn't shaking too much as he reached for the eggs. "I don't want to talk about things, okay? I'm not mad at you, or upset, or anything. I just want us to go back to how we were and forget yesterday happened."

Lily sat stiffly. "I can't forget about it because—" She stopped, bowing her head. "After Arithmancy?"

"I have Muggle Studies. Lily, please—"

"After Muggle Studies, then. I want to tell you something. I—I need to talk to you about—I won't say it again. I won't. But we do need to talk. Please?"

It was like him begging his friends to leave him alone. "After Muggle Studies," he reluctantly agreed.

Arithmancy was harder than usual for Remus, he kept mixing his numbers up and getting wrong answers. What was worse was that they had a little mini-quiz and when Talkalot went over the answers, Remus saw with dismay that it'd be, at best, P work. Thankfully they weren't handing them in, it was just for them to self-assess how they were progressing. Nobody would have to know how poorly he did. Remus folded the quiz up, putting it deep in his bag.

Thankfully, Lily didn't try talking to him after Arithmancy, though Aegis chattered all the way to Muggle Studies. Remus couldn't focus on what his friend was saying and it was a little obvious; by the time they reached the classroom, Aegis had a frown on his face.

"Did I do something to bother you, Remus?"

"Huh?" Remus blinked a few times, not remembering a single thing Aegis had said. "No. Sorry. I'm sorry, I'm still not feeling very well, I think."

Aegis seemed a little dubious but shrugged, accepting that. I'll have to make it up to him, Remus thought as he took his usual seat with the Marauders. At least Muggle Studies wasn't too troublesome; they watched footage of various natural disasters throughout the world (which felt fitting for Remus's current state of mind) while Lewis talked about ways Muggles took on issues like that. Then she gave them little booklets full of weather reports of both Muggle and wizarding, giving them the assignment to compare and contrast. Normally Remus would be fascinated by this homework, except today he couldn't even muster the energy to flip through the booklet.

Lily was waiting for him outside. She sat on the bench across the hall, a book open in her lap. Her curly hair had been pulled back in a high ponytail which swished wildly as she leapt to her feet, nearly dropping the book. Remus's stomach shriveled and his heart sank; there was no getting out of this. He told the Marauders he would meet up with them later then followed Lily down the hall, already feeling dizzy and ready to collapse. The Marauders were all staring after them and Remus prayed they wouldn't follow. Thankfully, they didn't.

Keep it together, you can do this. He clutched at his satchel strap with a sweaty hand, hoping things would for once go his way. He watched Lily's ponytail swing back and forth, wondering what was going on inside her mind. What she was so determined to talk about.

They went into an empty classroom where Lily stood aside to let him in first. Remus went in, turning to see Lily shutting the door and planting herself firmly in front of it so he couldn't escape.

Shit.

"Lily," he said, planning on launching into a big speech, however she held up her hand.

"I'm sure you have a lot of things you want to say to me, and you can. But please hear me out first. Everything I have to say. Don't interrupt me. Then you can say your piece and… that will be that. Just… listen."

That will be that? Did she mean it? Remus nervously licked his lips, nodding in agreement as icy sweat dampened his clothes.

Lily clasped her hands together and looked up at the ceiling. "I know being gay in the wizarding world is considered to be horrible. It's the same in the Muggle world though some people are starting to think differently. There are even parades, now, to celebrate people being proud of who they are. I mean, a lot of people are against it but… I'm not." She looked down, her eyes meeting his as he felt something loosen inside of him. Like a landslide inside of his chest.

"L—"

"No," she said fiercely. "You agreed to let me talk so I am going to talk. I think love should be accepted. I don't think it matters if a woman loves another woman or a man loves another man. I think they should be accepted and be allowed to be themselves, like everyone else. I know this makes me weird in the wizarding world but I don't care. If Purebloods hate me for being Muggleborn they can hate me for this too. Because that's what it is." She took a step forward. "Hate. Disgusting, vile hate."

Disgusting and vile, the words he'd used to describe himself before.

"It's wrong, Remus. I mean, hating people who are gay is wrong. And I want you to know that I feel this way. Now, I don't know how you feel. I used to think you were more accepting, more full of love, but now all this—I don't know. But I refuse to accept you are like that, that you're full of that hate. That you'd close your mind off entirely to this sort of thing. That you'd agree with all those arseholes out there who say people like that should be crushed down, stomped on, reviled, tortured, and twisted until they're 'normal', forced to be who they aren't, forced to hide themselves."

Another step forward, her green eyes watering now. "And I don't know if you said those things because… you're hiding something or not. I won't say this again, if you don't want me to, I promise. But I want you to know that if you are hiding something like that… I don't care."

Another step, she was right in front of him now. He could hardly breathe.

"I love you, Remus. You're one of my closest friends and I will love you always. No matter what. The only thing I couldn't stand is if you really are like those purists, those backwards thinking bastards." He realized she was holding his clammy hands in hers, her fingers clasped tightly around his. "But I know you're not. I know it. You're a good person. A kind person. Please tell me that you're at least that, Remus. I need to know."

Remus had no idea what to say or how to react. Her words spun through his head like pixies, zipping around with fangs, biting into the darkest corners of his mind to rip away everything he had been trying to hide and deny. For a split second he thought she was doing this to get a confession out of him but no, that thought disappeared instantly. Lily would never do that.

Everything she said was the truth. Remus knew it.

Which meant she thought people who were like that were… just… normal people…

Not revolting, perverted monsters. Not something wrong.

How could someone think like that? Feel that way? It was wrong being like that, it wasn't wrong to hate that… right?

"Lily…"

It didn't matter to her if a woman loved another woman or a man loved another man. How could that not matter? It was wrong—everyone said it was wrong—

Everyone says being a werewolf is wrong.

The Marauders didn't hate him for being a werewolf.

Was it possible someone wouldn't hate him for being—?

His insides were cracking, breaking apart. His heart was shattering into a million pieces. His chest felt like it was going to explode out and he'd turn into nothing but ash despite the ocean raging inside of him. The world splintered around him, becoming bright, shining shards of light too painful to see.

Slowly he opened his mouth to tell her that while he wasn't like that, he did agree with her. That his reaction the previous day had simply been from shock, and he automatically responded the way he thought he should respond. But he wasn't, he wasn't like that at all; that's what he planned on saying.

Instead four words came out, four syllables that he never thought he'd ever say in a million years.

Instead, what came out was, "I think I'm gay."