Remus slept.

He slept so much that when he awoke on Wednesday morning he couldn't believe how much he had slept. After James and Peter were done with their Occlumency, the Marauders had returned to their dorms where Remus changed into pajamas, crawled into bed, and fell asleep again. He woke up once to use the loo but fell asleep quickly after.

"You needed that," Peter said as they went down to breakfast, Remus marveling at what happened.

"Seriously," James agreed, flinging an arm around Remus's waist. "You look better than you have for a week now."

"How do you feel?" Sirius asked.

Remus shrugged. "Better, I guess." He did. He didn't exactly feel rested—he wasn't sure if he'd ever actually feel rested—but he did feel better, and less exhausted.

"Were you going to tell us what's going on?"

Remus looked up at Sirius, ignoring the uncomfortable shiver that went down his spine. "I already told you. Wolfsbane, full moon, the fight with Lily… it did me in."

Sirius stopped in his tracks, folding his arms. "There's obviously more than that."

Before Remus could respond, James grabbed Sirius by the arm. "Come on, twat, before all the bacon is taken. Hey, that rhymes! Hah!"

Remus wondered if James had done that for him, and had the feeling he had. Sirius glanced over his shoulder at Remus as James dragged him off, and he knew this wasn't the end of it.

He still felt rather buzzy, like there were millions of bees flying around inside of him. The buzziness grew when he saw Lily at the Gryffindor table. His head pulsed with each step, her voice hammering into his head with each pulse, reminding him that she knew; that she was like him.

It felt like everyone in the room was looking at him, even though the only people glancing his way were looking at James and Sirius.

"I've been thinking about costumes," James said after the four of them filled their plates.

"We're going as spells, right?" Pete inquired.

James waved his fork around. "I don't know how much I want to do that anymore. If you three do, we will, but hear me out. We'll probably have to explain to people what we are, like we did last year with the Mustardeers."

"Musketeers," Remus mumbled, hoping it wouldn't be too difficult to be a human today. It felt so strange that the world was simply going on around him.

"I want to go as something everyone will know without having to ask," James continued, ignoring Remus.

"Like what, animals?" Sirius asked, raising an eyebrow. "I don't really want to do that."

Remus ducked his head, knowing Sirius wouldn't mind dressing up as an animal, he had only said that for Remus's sake. At least he wasn't mad at Remus, even if he wasn't pleased. "We can go as animals."

James frowned. "Nah, don't wanna go as animals. Too many people go as animals."

"What then?" Peter asked. "Famous wizards?"

"There'd still be some people wondering who we are," James said. "No matter who or what we go as, unless it is something that every single student in this entire school would know upon sight."

"So, animals," Peter said. "What else is there? Plants? Trees? Furniture?"

James opened and closed his mouth. "Er, I—I haven't figured it out yet. Was hoping you might have some ideas. I just want to be known, without a doubt."

"Oh, trust me, James, people know us," Remus said into his eggs. It felt so strange to be having such a normal conversation right now. The universe had splintered apart and flew back together yesterday, and they were sitting there discussing costumes.

James kicked him lightly under the table. "I meant our costumes, Bogey-breath." Remus narrowed his eyes at that insult. "Any ideas? Besides trees or furnitures. What? No, furniture. Wait. Furnitures? Furniture. Furnitures."

"Furniture," Remus supplied.

"It was all I could think of," Peter said a little defensively. "We could go as food. Didn't we discuss maybe going as sweets? We could have wrappers on, with words so everyone knows what we are."

"That'd be boring though, having to basically wear signs."

Peter looked crestfallen for another idea shot down. "Plants could be fun," Remus said. "Not trees but you could go as a bouncing bulb, James, and knock into everyone."

A huge grin split his face. "Oh, now that does sound fun."

"Or the Whomping Willow," Sirius laughed, flailing his arms wildly around. Remus tried not to flinch, and Sirius hesitated; which made Remus worry he had flinched, and if so what did Sirius think the flinch was for?

"You're going to knock everything off the table," Remus said quickly.

"I'm a Whomping Willow, it's what I do." He flailed his arms at Remus who swatted his hands away.

James looked tempted to agree to plants and probably would have if Hagrid hadn't come into the Great Hall at that moment. James tracked his progress across the room and up to the High Table. He continued staring at the High Table for several seconds until he turned back to his friends, face lit up with an idea.

"Let's go as them." He pointed towards the High Table. "Everyone in the school would recognize them immediately."

"What, the teachers?" Pete asked.

"The Heads of Houses!" James exclaimed excitedly.

"I call McGonagall," Sirius replied immediately.

"Let me guess, I'm gonna have to be Slughorn," Peter said rather miserably.

Remus sighed, knowing perfectly well who he'd be because of his height. Not that he minded, really.

"Honestly, I'd like to be Slughorn," James said and Pete's eyes got big. James sat back, drumming his fingers against his belly in a similar manner that Slughorn did. "Hmm, I think it would be fun, my boy," he said, imitating Slughorn so well that Remus joined the others in laughing.

God it felt good to laugh.

To feel this way.

"You can be Sprout," James said, nodding towards Pete.

Peter scrunched his face up. "Yeah, all right, I don't mind that."

"Which means—"

"Yes, yes," Remus sighed, pushing his fringe back. "I'm Flitwick."

"And I'm McGonagall." Sirius looked very pleased. "Yes! I like this. Which day is Halloween? What lessons will we have?"

"Two weeks exactly," Remus said. "Wednesday, which means Professors Slughorn and Sprout."

Sirius snapped his fingers. "Ah, well, she'll still see me at breakfast, lunch, and the feast. Jimsy, this is brilliant, I love it."

"I can buy all the supplies we need this weekend," James said, rubbing his hands together. "The sorts of robes and clothes they wear, a fake mustache for me, glasses for Sirius. What else would we need? I think we could magic everything else. Dirt on Pete's robes. Remus, you'd be able to do our hair, right? Color it and lengthen it if need be?"

As Remus nodded Sirius reached back, twisting his hair into a bun. "I don't need to do anything to my hair except pull it back like this."

"Right, forgot, nobody can touch the Mighty Sirius Black's Perfect Hair," James said, rolling his eyes.

"Ten points from Gryffindor for insulting a teacher, Mr. Potter," Sirius said in a slightly falsetto, stern voice that sounded more like McGonagall than Remus would have expected. James snorted into his breakfast, giggling.

Twenty minutes later they were down in the dungeons for Potions, and a few minutes after that Slughorn was telling everyone that they'd need to partner up. Instantly, Lily flung herself forward across her desk behind the Marauders, claiming Remus as her partner.

"How are you doing?" she asked as soon as they started working on the potion.

"Erm, a—a little better," he said, trying to cut the smelly ingredients as best he could. "Still… in shock, I suppose."

"I understand."

Thankfully she switched the conversation; even using words that could be taken for something else was too frightening, too worrisome. Felt too much like a beacon pointing at him for others to see. Instead they discussed the potion they were making then, when they had to let it simmer for ten minutes, Lily talked about the upcoming Slughorn Halloween party. She asked if he wanted to go and he shook his head, thanking her but making it clear he wasn't interested.

"Thought so," she said, twirling the end of her ponytail around a finger. "Even though I knew you'd say no, I wanted to ask you first since you'd be my main choice." He felt flattered, and said so. "I might ask David."

It wasn't the first time she brought David up, and she had gone with him to the Valentine's dessert in their second year. Remus tilted his head to one side. "Are you… interested… in him?" he asked carefully and very quietly. Hadn't she said she fancied a girl the day before?

"I dunno. Maybe. D'you think he might be interested?"

He raised his eyebrows. "Lily. I am probably the last person who could figure something like that out. I don't know much about that sort of thing at all."

She prodded his knee. "Just because you're dense with yourself doesn't mean you're dense with other people."

"I am dense when it comes to feelings in general, whether towards me or others," he reminded her. "I could ask him, if you like."

"Do that and you'll be hexed till next year," she replied with a vicious smile. "Maybe I'll ask Sirius, if Cassie wouldn't mind. As friends, of course. Oh…" Suddenly she gave him a strange look. She opened her mouth then closed it. "I'll ask you later."

It's probably about Sirius, he thought miserably. "If Cassie doesn't mind, I think that'd be brilliant." He was very aware of the look she gave him at that. He considered adding on they'd make a great-looking couple but that was going too far; besides, it was also complimenting Sirius which he couldn't do. "It's done simmering."

Lily was very good at potions so when it came time to take it to the other room, he knew come Friday they'd have an O. Or at least they would have if someone hadn't banged into Remus, jostling him so violently he lost his grip on the cauldron. It toppled sideways to the floor, spilling its contents into a spreading pool across the floor. Students complained loudly, backing away from the bubbling, tarrish liquid.

"Loopy, you have to be so clumsy?!" snarled a voice behind him. Snape… though Remus doubted it was Snape who bumped into him. Snape would have sabotaged Remus, but not Lily. When Remus turned he saw Bulstrode backing away with a smirk on his face. Beyond him, Mulciber and Avery were grinning. Ugh, of course it was them. "That's what you get for having him carry the cauldron!" Snape added to Lily who had just come up to see what was going on.

She stared at the mess in dismay. "Remus—"

"It w-was an accident," he said, not wanting to say he was pretty sure Bulstrode knocked into him since he didn't really have proof. At least not in front of everyone; he'd tell her later.

"Professor!" Avery called out the door. "We have a spill!"

Remus backed away since the liquid was oozing towards him. He apologized as soon as Slughorn edged his way over. "You need to be more careful, Mr. Lupin."

Bulstrode's fault, he thought, keeping his mouth clamped shut.

Slughorn flicked his wand and the puddle shrank until it disappeared. He then put a glove on to pick the cauldron up, peering inside. "There's hardly a quarter of it left, there isn't enough for a proper potion, nor will be there time to remake it. I'm afraid you'll have to receive an incompl—"

"Professor!" Lily stepped forward. "We could divide the remaining ingredients and continue the potion, only in a smaller amount. Would that be okay?"

Slughorn eyed her with a little bit of pride. "Do you think you'd be able to calculate that, Miss Evans?" She stood straight, nodding slightly though smelling nervous. "Hmm." He drummed his fingers across his belly in the exact same way James had earlier. "All right. I'll allow you the challenge." He cleaned off the cauldron's handle and side before putting it on one of the tables. "Five points from Gryffindor for the mess, Mr. Lupin."

Remus bowed his head and murmured a 'yessir'. He slipped out of the storage room, ignoring the snickers from the other students, and waited miserably in the hall. As soon as Lily appeared he apologized but she waved her hand at him, saying it was fine, accidents happen.

"It wasn't an accident," he whispered.

"You dropped it on purpose?" she asked, mouth gaping.

"No. Bulstrode—or—or someone knocked into me," he said.

She closed her mouth, eyes narrowing. "Why didn't you tell Professor Slughorn?"

"Would he have believed me?"

"Of course he would have," she said without much conviction.

James and Sirius showed up wanting to know what happened, and Remus told them the truth. Instead of wanting to know why he didn't tell the teacher, of course their minds went immediately to revenge. Lily told them they probably shouldn't do anything to retaliate and James told her to shut up. She grew angry at that, telling him not to tell her to shut up, and he told her to keep her nose out of Marauder business. It wasn't Marauder business, she reminded him, it was hers and Remus's business since it was their potion.

"Oh come on, enough of this you two," Cassie said, since she and Alice approached the scene and only heard the last bit as well as seeing James and Lily both going for their wands. Cassie seized Lily's arm while shooting a look towards Sirius who obediently took hold of James. "Lils, no dueling, remember?"

Lily gave a growl. "He needs to be hexed so bad—"

"I know, I know, you can do it later when he doesn't suspect it." Cassie began hauling their friend down the corridor.

"What was that about?" James asked, putting his wand away. "Cassandra seemed very intent on us not fighting."

"She doesn't like it," Sirius explained, releasing James's arm. "Thinks if you two starts fighting you'll want us to take sides. Of course I'd be on your side," he added when James gave him a look, "but I don't really want to be against Cassie. She thinks the two of you could get along, if you tried."

Now it was James's turn to give a growl. "She's wrong. I'll never get along with that stuck-up know-it-all cow."

"Oi," Remus warned.

"Sorry, Remy, but she is," James said, folding his arms. "I can't stand her and don't know how you manage."

"She isn't like that at all," Remus said though his voice wavered, not because he agreed with James but because he didn't want to start any arguments. "Though I do think we should do something about Bulstrode. Wait, where's Peter?"

"Talking to Slughorn," Sirius said, plopping onto the bench across from the Potions classroom. "Had an important question to ask."

Remus glanced at James's watch. "If he doesn't hurry we'll be late."

"Late for what?" James asked.

Remus blinked a few times before rubbing his eyes, remembering the next period was a free one. "Oh, right. My mind sort've… right, yeah."

"You okay?" Sirius asked, reaching out with his foot to nudge Remus's. "I thought you got a lot of sleep."

"Mmhm. I believe that's the problem, I forgot what day it was. It made me feel like it was Sunday night last night, instead of Tuesday. I guess I thought we had History next." He sat down on the bench as well, going through his satchel to make sure he had his Defense Against the Dark Arts essay that was due. Thank Merlin he did have it, at least. That would save him a trip back to the common room.

The group of students for the next Potions lesson were gathering by the door, some of them looking a little impatient. It was almost ten am. What on earth was Peter talking to Slughorn about? Then at 9:58, the door swung open and Peter scurried out, head ducked to avoid the annoyed glares from the other students.

"Get it figured out?" James asked, a little too eagerly.

"Yup, yeah," Peter said, nodding quickly.

"Without—" James paused, glancing at Remus before dragging Peter down the corridor. "Without suspicion?" he asked quietly, but not quietly enough.

"You're not sneaky," Remus said as he and Sirius stood up. "I can still hear you. What's going on?"

"Prank," Sirius said, throwing an arm across Remus's shoulders. "We're working on a potion for a prank."

"That I don't know about," Remus said flatly, feeling left out. Was it because of how he had been acting lately?

Sirius shrugged. "You wouldn't approve. You'd lecture us."

Remus hugged his satchel to his chest as they began walking. "You'd do it anyway, whether I lectured or not. Or approved or not. What's the prank?" He could tell by their hesitation that they were lying, and trying to think of something to tell him. "You know what, never mind; you're right, I'd probably only lecture," he said lightly, giving them an out. Not wanting to hear them fumbling around for an explanation.

Sirius took hold of his arm. "We're not leaving you out," he said, meeting Remus's eyes, cutting straight to the heart of his problem. "I promise. You'll know about the potion soon. You're not being left out."

"I—" He swallowed, feeling uncomfortable. "I didn't mean—"

Sirius smiled. "I know you didn't mean, but I also know what you probably felt. And you're right." He turned his gaze to the other two. "They're not being particularly sneaky about it."

James gave a helpless shrug while Peter wrung his hands. "I'm sorry," he squeaked out.

Sirius put both his hands on Remus's shoulders and stared hard into his soul. "I promise you, Remus, that I won't ever leave you out of anything, all right?"

Remus's heart ached as it thudded hard against his rib cage. All he could do was give a silent nod.

"Do you trust me?"

Another silent nod. Did he trust Sirius? Until the ends of the earth.

"Good." Suddenly Remus was worried Sirius might try to flip it around, to weasel the truth out of Remus. There was a glint in his eye… but then he let go of Remus's shoulders and tousled his hair. "C'mon, let's go find some Slytherins to prank."

Remus still felt a little left out but he believed Sirius; believed that eventually he would be let in on whatever secret they were carrying. He really did need to trust his friends more.

But he also couldn't help wondering about whether they were telling the truth about it being for a prank… except… what else would they be making a potion for?

-x-

As Remus suspected, Lily wanted to talk that night. They went to supper in the Great Hall, where Remus told his friends he'd be spending some time with Lily (since James had practice, Sirius had detention, and Peter had photography club, it wasn't like he'd be missing out on anything). After eating, he and Lily took some dessert to a secret passage, sitting opposite each other, their legs stretched out next to one another.

Remus picked at his piece of cake, not sure what to say or what Lily wanted to say. It was so strange sitting here with her, remembering when he and the Marauders sat in a secret passage about a year before while they discussed his other secret.

After a couple of minutes of awkward silence, Remus asked, "You're not going to Study Group?"

Lily looked up. "Not tonight. Aegis won't be there and I don't feel like dealing with all the arguing."

He tried not to cringe at the thought of how little time he had spent with Aegis lately. "Why isn't Aegis going to be there? Is he okay?"

"Detention, for fighting." Remus choked on nothing. Aegis? Fighting? "I know," she sighed, seeing his expression. "He wouldn't talk about it but I figure someone was bullying him and claimed Aegis started it."

Remus bowed his head, feeling horrible. He'd have to talk to Aegis in the morning after Arithmancy. "Study Group has been difficult, then?"

She made a gagging sound. "All it consists of anymore is arguments. This isn't what I wanted for it! I wanted Study Group to be how it used to be."

"Then start a new one?" Remus suggested. "Er, if that's possible."

"Maybe, though I suspect Twycross and Craft would want to join anyway." She picked off a piece of fruit and studied it. "Perhaps I should stand up to them, tell them if things turn to arguments they need to leave."

Remus tried to remember if anyone had ever said that to Twycross or Craft—not just telling them to stop but telling them they'd have to leave if they didn't stop—and he couldn't remember it happening. "I think that's something we should have done a long time ago."

Lily gave him a sheepish smile. "I suppose so."

More awkward silence after that. Remus had picked apart his entire slice of chocolate cake and set the plate of crumbs down next to him. He pulled his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around them. "Did you suspect?" he finally asked. "When I said I—I might be like you, you said you didn't think so. How… how come you… said that? Did you suspect I was… like this… before?" It was a lot of effort to talk and once he got it all out he felt his stomach hurt, like it had become acid. But that was one question that had plagued him since it was said, and he needed to know.

Lily was silent.

He ventured a look up, seeing her chewing her lips and a worried expression in her eyes. His heart sank and his acidic stomach plummeted.

"You did suspect," he said in dismay.

"No," she said quickly. "Not—not quite. I—well—erm—" She looked around as if expecting something to rescue her from answering. "All right, I—I did, a little."

He buried his face in his arms, letting out a whining sort of groan.

"No, not anything so—it's not—argh!" Lily scooted to his side of the passage and put her arm around him. "I wasn't sure, it wasn't anything that I saw that screamed out you were gay—"

"Please don't call me that," he whispered. "I don't—I'm not ready for—for that w-word to mean—mean me."

"All right, sorry. It wasn't anything that screamed out you… were like that," Lily corrected herself. "A few small things that made me wonder. I highly doubt it's anything anyone else would have picked up on, since a lot of it had to do with your reaction to our kiss."

He slowly lifted his head, blinking at her. "The kiss."

"You were disgusted by it," she pointed out. "Your reaction to being kissed was 'yuck'."

"I was twelve!" he protested, his voice rising into a squeak and he swore to Merlin if his voice broke at this exact moment he was going to… to… well, he wasn't sure what but it wasn't going to be pleasant.

"You wiped your mouth off," she said, raising her eyebrows and seemingly trying not to smirk. "Now, yes, I admit, that doesn't mean anything by itself and it could have been because we were only twelve however that along with a few other things made me wonder."

"What other things?"

Lily bit her bottom lip again. "Remus. Dear. You said Sirius was cute."

Remus stared blankly at her.

"You asked me who the cutest boys in the year were, and when I turned the question on you your response was 'Sirius' instead of a girl."

"I—that—I thought—I thought you were as-asking me about what—what—what I thought about the—the—"

"Cutest boys?" She giggled. "Most boys would assume correctly I meant girls."

Remus opened and closed his mouth, feeling his cheeks burning. "You never said girls, you never made that clear, you—you said—"

She tightened her arm around him. "I know what I said, and I'm not saying that that was an indicator or what made me suspect. It was one part of what added up to my suspicion."

"Anything else?" he asked bleakly, trying to figure out how best to hide this so nobody else ever suspected.

"Small things like that," she told him. "Your obvious lack of interest in girls—"

"Is it that obvious? I mean, James doesn't show much interest in girls."

Lily sighed. "I'm not saying any single thing is why I started suspecting."

He wriggled a little bit. "Yeah, you—you said that. Sorry. I just… I don't want anyone else to suspect. I suppose I should try to fake an interest in girls."

"You're not going to flirt with anyone, are you?" she asked, brow furrowing.

"No! That would be awful to do!" he argued and her angry expression softened into one of relief. "I'll simply say things like… erm… tits are nice."

Lily burst into laughter, folding herself forward as she gasped for air. "REEEEMUS! NO! NOT LIKE THAT!" she wheezed out. "Oh my GOD! 'Tits are nice' oh my God, oh Christ!"

"What?!"

She wiped her face off, still laughing. "The way you said that, you might as well have been saying 'dinner is nice'. You—please, if you—if you—" She broke off into more laughter and had to gulp for air before continuing. "Try to work on your tone a little bit, if you're going to do that."

Remus picked at a loose thread, trying not to look annoyed. "I'm doing my best."

"I know." She wiped her eyes again. "Look, you don't need to say things like that. Actually it's nice to hear boys who don't go on about tits and bums."

"What… do you… think of… er, tits?" he asked, suddenly curious.

Her face went red and she began inspecting her fingernails. "I like them," she mumbled, "but I'm not going to define a girl by her chest. Anyway, you don't need to go on about body parts or anything."

"What should I say, then? To make people not suspect? To make them not suspect?"

He didn't need to explain who 'them' was. Lily understood completely. "I don't know," she said. "Everyone is different. There's nothing wrong with not being interested in girls yet."

Remus made a face, not sure how he could explain to her how it felt when his friends talked about girls. How lost he felt, how apart he felt. How risky it apparently was, since that helped her suspect. "I suppose."

Her arm slid back around him and she rested her head on his shoulder. "Is trying to keep suspicion off of you why you haven't done anything about Magpie?"

Remus leaned his head against hers, yawning. "What do you mean? What about Magpie?"

"You know. Is pretending to like girls why you haven't put her off?"

"Put her off what?"

His head slipped as she jerked away to stare at him. "Blimey, Remus, please tell me you know what I'm talking about."

He rubbed his neck, shrinking back a little. Put her off what? Haven't done anything about what? The look she was giving him made him feel utterly stupid. This on top of everything else was too much again. "No, I'm sorry. What about Magpie?"

"Oh, no. Oh no, oh no," she said, sounding more amused than anything else. "I assumed you knew. Everyone else in our year pretty much knows."

"Knows what? I—I don't know Magpie that well so if there's something going on and I haven't noticed—"

She was shaking her head. "Not only about Magpie, about you too." Before he could say anything she plunged forward with, "She fancies you."

His mouth closed and slowly his eyes narrowed, wondering if this was some sort of joke. "Pardon?" Lily didn't really answer, only nodded. "That isn't… I don't—what? No, she—that makes no sense." He tried to wrap his head around it, tried to think back to anything obvious but couldn't. "I don't think so."

"She does!" Lily scooted closer, giggling. "It's been obvious to everyone for months, except apparently you. Ask the other Marauders, they'll tell you."

Remus gaped at her, unable to believe it was true. "If—if she did they would have said something to me!"

"Unless they figured you knew already," she pointed out. "Though I'm surprised they haven't been teasing you about it. You really didn't know?"

"No! How was I supposed to know? I—she can't, that's not—you must be mistaken. You're right, James and Sirius would have been teasing me mercilessly if she did." Magpie? Athena Magpie? They hardly ever said two words to each other! The only time they really talked was when she had been concerned about his fingers a couple of weeks ago, when they had been stepped on.

"She does! Remember for Valentine's, when I said there was someone who wanted to go with you but was too shy to ask you? That was Magpie. It's only gotten worse since. She has it bad."

"That's not true."

Lily shrugged. "Deny it all you want, Romeo—"

"I'm not going to drink poison, though with as annoying as you're being right now it is tempting."

She laughed, tossing her head back. "You'll have to do something about it. She thinks she has a chance. I… thought perhaps she did, until you said you were—" She stopped quickly, before she said the word. "You know."

Remus hunkered down, going back to picking at the thread. His heart pounded as he tried to process all of this information. The thread pulled loose, leaving a tiny hole in his trousers. He reached for his wand. "Reparo," he said without much effort. A few threads tightened but the hole remained.

Lily got her own wand out. "Suturas filumian." The hole sewed itself up. "Alice taught us that last semester, mostly to fix hose but it works with any fabric."

"Thank you." He stared at the repaired bit of trousers for a few seconds. "It's beyond bizarre for me to be sitting here discussing my… thoughts… and feelings about… boys." He chose his words carefully, wishing he could call himself that word again. "I can't believe someone else knows. That you don't hate me for it."

"We were talking about Magpie, not boys," she reminded him, steering him back to the unfortunate conversation. "But I understand how it's strange for you. It's weird to me that you know about me and don't find me… disgusting for it."

"I'd never," he promised and then a thought crossed his mind. "Do you fancy Magpie?'

"What?" She jerked back. "No, I don't. She's nice but… not who… anyway, why would you think that?"

"I don't know, you seem very concerned about making sure she knows she shouldn't… er… fancy me… which she probably doesn't."

Lily thought about this for a moment. "I guess it's hard to see someone as sweet as Magpie be in a position like this. She really likes you a lot, Remus, and it's in a hopeful way. I mean, most my fancies are in a distant pining way." She thought for another few seconds. "What would you want, if you fancied someone in a hopeful way? Would you want to know if you had a chance or not?"

"No," he said, frowning at her. "Because I already know I don't have a chance with anyone I might fancy. Any pining I might do is distant, hopeless pining."

"Like Sirius?"

He hoped he wasn't going red. "I don't fancy him," he said, somewhat honestly. He didn't really fancy Sirius. Being attracted to someone's appearance was… not properly fancying someone, it was being attracted to their appearance. Just because it made him dizzy, wobbly, and like he was drifting through a black hole and every single atom inside his body was being rearranged didn't mean anything. "I confess he is…" Remus swallowed. "He is g-good-looking but almost anyone in the school would say so, you have to admit that."

"All right," Lily replied levelly. "Do you fancy anyone?"

"No."

"Have you? You seemed to have a crush on someone last year." Remus sniffled, wishing he hadn't gone to her about that. "You know, when you thought it might be aller—"

"Yes I remember!" he snapped hotly. He could never confess it was about Sirius, not after what he just said—plus he didn't want to ever say those words out loud to anyone. He could tell her another truth though. "I—I sort've fancied…" He gulped and felt himself begin to shake. "I—I—"

She rested her hand on his. "You don't have to say anything."

"It—I—it's odd. I know you know how I… feel about… you know… yet it is nauseating to even think about telling you a name, a male's name. It feels like a betrayal to myself."

She hugged him again, her head back on his shoulder. "That's okay. You only just… accepted it, right? It's going to take a long time to be open about things."

I don't know how much I've accepted it, though. "Teacher," he squeaked out.

"Eh? Teacher? Huh?"

He felt too sick to say anything else. This was painful, even something as small as a stupid crush on a teacher that wasn't around anymore to someone who knew—it was difficult, and it hurt.

"You fancied a teacher?" She asked, putting it together. He gave a tiny nod. "Last year?" Another tiny nod. "Professor Prewett?" she wagered and Remus pressed his lips thin, giving one more tiny nod. "Oooooooh. He was so cute! So handsome! Oh, I don't blame you one bit for that one. I fancied him myself. He had such an incredible smile!"

Remus tried to voice an agreement but couldn't, it still felt wrong. Instead he gave a fourth tiny nod.

"Well." Lily beamed at him. "You have very good taste in men."

He slid down very low, covering his face with his hands. "Maybe we shouldn't t-t-talk about this, it's—I feel—it's—"

"All right, we can stop," she promised. "Don't ever feel like you need to tell me anything, okay? I'm not here to force you to say things. Only if you want to."

"I—I thought I d-d-did but—but—"

She switched the conversation. "What will you do about Magpie?"

He lowered his hands, blinking up at her. "I don't think I want to have that discussion either, at the moment."

"You'll need to face it eventually," she said gently. "Eventually it's going to come to a head." He merely grunted his response. "Something is going to happen sooner or later regarding this, whether it's Magpie or another girl."

He flicked his gaze to his beat-up trainers. "It'll only make things awkward. Won't it? Crushes pass."

Lily sighed. "I suppose. You're right, you don't need to say anything at the moment. Just don't lead her on."

"I d-d-don't!" He felt like he was walking on a wire high above a plunging valley; one misstep and it would all be over. He did not want to confront Magpie, if this was true. It was… oh God, it was too much! He couldn't imagine what would happen if, say, Jean-Marie found out Remus thought he was cute—though that was very very different. Still, he didn't like the idea of acknowledging something like this. Of making things complicated and awkward. Why did life have to be this way?

"I know you don't," she said rather impatiently. "What would you do if she came up to you and asked you out?"

Probably panic and run away. "I'm not sure. Politely tell her I'm not interested. That I want to focus on my studies right now."

She stared at him curiously before nodding. "All right, yeah, that sounds good."

He felt like fire was consuming his soul over this wretched conversation, and he wanted to die. "Have you ever told anyone you fancied them?"

"No," she said. "Everyone I've fancied is in a no-hope-whatsoever sort've way, except…"

"Except?"

Lily gave a small smile, turning her head. "I'm going on a date with David."

Remus's eyes bugged out and his jaw dropped. "David? Struthers?"

"Yes, David Struthers!" She smacked his arm lightly. "Don't tease."

"I—I thought you fancied a girl," he blurted out. "Isn't that—isn't—aren't you leading David on?"

"No!" She clenched her hands into fists now. "No, it's not. Because the girl I fancy, I don't—it won't ever happen. It's a distant pining. I like David well enough, and I'd like to see what happens. Maybe it will go somewhere. He's cute. And really nice, even if his friend's a total prat."

"Spinnet—" Remus started then stopped.

She gave him a strange look. "Yes, I'm meaning Spinnet. What? What is it?" she pressed when he tried to suppress what he was going to say. "What's going on? Is David not nice? I thought you—"

"David is nice," he assured her. "Spinnet…" He sucked in some air, not sure if he should say it or not. "I dislike Spinnet. For… personal reasons. That… have to do… with what we've been… talking about."

Lily blinked, face scrunching up as she tried to figure out what he meant. "I don't understand."

Remus grit his teeth, feeling ill at the memory. Yet he also wanted to tell her this, to tell her what happened, that the word had been said about him. "Do you remember last spring when Sirius punched Spinnet? Everyone knew it happened but nobody knew why?"

"Uh-huh…"

"It was—was-was because of me." He hunkered down, his shoulders practically up around his ears. "Spinnet called me a name. Sirius punched him. I didn't know until later. I confronted Spinnet about it—"

"You did?"

"—and he… gave a stupid apology. I hate him." He didn't really realize until he said it how much he did hate Spinnet, and that it was, in fact, hatred. It was on the same level of hatred towards Malfoy.

"And it had to do with what we've been talking about?" Lily asked.

He sniffled. "He called me a—a—a—…. a poof."

She gasped, hands flying to her mouth. "He didn't!" Remus nodded. "Christ! What—? Really? Why?"

"I don't know." He felt tears threatening to form. "Because of how I dressed to the one Quidditch game, when I wore the sparkly belt and shoes. When I wore the lions ears, with you."

"That—disgusting—twat!" Lily roared, jumping to her feet. "What an arse! How could—why—ARGH! How come you didn't say this to me sooner?!"

"I d-didn't want anyone to know, because I was afraid if they heard what he said they might—might suspect it's true," Remus whimpered, pressing his fists to the sides of his head. "I was terrified enough that he said it to the Marauders!" Lily only partially heard him as she was pacing in frantic circles, muttering to herself about possible revenge hexes. "Lils, it was—it was ages ago, don't—I didn't tell you for you to act like James and get revenge."

That stopped her in her tracks. "I'm not acting like Potter," she snarled, only halfheartedly as she realized she sorta was. Then, "Did David hear it?"

Remus got to his feet as well, brushing his trousers off. "David was mad at Spinnet too. He was furious. He wouldn't talk to Spinnet for a while. So… David is nice. I know you didn't ask me, but I think he'd be a good date for you." Lily slowly smiled at that. "What… when is…?"

"Oh, Slughorn's Halloween party next week," she said, fussing with her skirt. "He asked me to go with him to the next Hogsmeade visit, though. Then I asked if he wanted to go to the party with me and he said yes."

"I hope you two have a really nice time together," Remus said honestly.

Lily hugged him tightly and he hugged back. He wanted to ask her other questions… about girls, about her realization, about how it felt for her—but he wasn't sure if he was ready to open that conversation, because he didn't want to have to answer anything else right now to her and it wouldn't be fair to expect answers from her when he wasn't ready to talk anymore about himself. Besides, it was getting late and they needed to get back to the tower.

After they left the secret passage, Lily slipped her hand in Remus's, even though they both knew perfectly well it was going to start rumors as they passed by people who saw them. But Remus didn't care, because she was touching him—she was holding his hand and touching him.

It was a bit like after the Marauders told him they knew and they still hugged him and had physical contact. They weren't disgusted by his lycanthropy, and Lily wasn't disgusted by his sexuality.

So they held hands, fingers linked, all the way back to the tower, and there was a tiny little bubble of happiness deep within Remus.