Author's note: CW for emetophobia, scratching self, and touch feeling like blades

-x-

Dear Mum and Dad, 21/11/73

I have something extremely important I need to talk to you about at once. Please come to the school when you can, before the holidays. I cannot stress how important it is that we have this conversation; if you don't come within a week then I'll talk to Miss Fawley next Tuesday about bringing me home the following weekend so we can talk.

Remus

He stared at the letter, reading and rereading it multiple times. It was a bad idea—he knew it was a bad idea. He should wait longer than a few hours. Let things cool down. But he also didn't want to cool down. He wanted—needed—to talk to them as soon as possible.

Confront them.

Ask them why.

It was early Wednesday morning and Remus had only gotten a couple of hours of sleep, with James. When the Marauders had returned to their dorm with Remus all cried out, James silently climbed into bed with Remus without even asking. Remus didn't argue. He simply curled up against his friend and drifted into a horrific, nightmare-riddled sleep full of werewolves and vampires. He woke up multiple times, crying out, a couple of times accidentally striking James, who didn't care. James just held him until he went to sleep again, and Remus suddenly understood Sirius's request.

What if he had this every time he had a nightmare?

He imagined having Sirius holding him until he fell asleep again, the warmth of his friend next to him. Nothing… like that. It'd be like this. Like with James.

At five-thirty am Remus woke up again and stayed awake, getting out of bed and going down to the common room to write first a letter of apology to Miss Fawley, and then a letter to his parents. It took him over half an hour and countless rewrites until he had what he thought was best. He also knew the threat of bringing Miss Fawley into things would spur his parents into coming, which was blackmail but he didn't care.

At a little after six, after getting dressed, Remus went to the owlery. He checked on Arthur first who slept soundly, and then went to Cocoa. Peter had given him an open invitation to use his owl anytime, but Remus felt strange using him without Pete's immediate permission. He stared at Cocoa before moving on to a school owl, apologizing profusely as he tied the letter to the owl's leg, ignoring the screeches and pecks as best he could. He hated putting any animal through this sort of stress but it couldn't be helped, not at the moment.

The owl left, still screeching what Remus figured to be owl cusses, and then he repeated the incident with another owl, for Miss Fawley.

Afterwards, he headed downstairs. Hardly anyone was in the Great Hall and there weren't many choices this early for breakfast. He grabbed some toast and a banana before heading somewhere private to eat. Not that he felt very hungry. He didn't touch the banana, and only picked a few pinches off the toast before abandoning the food.

He had left a note with James so his friends wouldn't worry, but they all looked concerned anyway when he met up with them for Potions.

"I just needed some more alone time," he said, trying to put some life into his voice and knowing he sounded very empty. Sirius was glancing at him all over until he realized he was looking for blood. "I'm not hurt." He held up his hands to show there wasn't any blood anywhere.

Sirius went slightly pink. "I shouldn't have… I mean, I didn't… I—"

"It's all right," he promised, managing a faint smile.

Peter put a hand on his arm and he tried not to flinch. His body felt tight and itchy, his skin crawly; he didn't want contact today. Then he wondered what they would say if he told them. He had always been anxious about confessing to them that he wasn't okay. And last night he finally did admit how bad he was, and it felt good. Would confessing this also feel good? Would they think it was weird?

Would it be any weirder than being a werewolf?

"Is there anything we can do to help?" Peter asked.

Remus was just relieved Pete hadn't said it was okay. "I—I don't know. Um." He shifted a bit, and then swallowed heavily. "Actually. There—there is."

All three snapped their heads towards him, anxious to do what they could which made him feel emotional. And also rather awful for admitting what he was going to say. "Sss—sometimes—some—sometimes I—I—" He stopped, taking in a deep breath, trying to calm himself as best he could. "Sometimes when… my mind is… not okay… it… it—it feels—it feels—it—it—" Another breath. "It feels… uncomfortable… to… to—to be… to be t-touched."

There, it was out.

All three stared at him then slowly Peter pulled his hand away. "I'm sorry, I didn't know," he said, sounding a little upset.

"I know," Remus said quickly, regretting bringing this up. "It isn't too bad, really, it just… makes me feel…" Scratchy, tight, stretched out, like a balloon about to pop. "Feel strange."

"It's all right." James reached up like he was going to clasp Remus on the shoulder before quickly withdrawing his hand, a sheepish grin on his face. "Er, sorry. It's all right, mate, we won't touch you then. Oh bollocks, I'm sorry about last night, then, just sleeping with you."

"Nono!" Remus looked guiltily up. "It wasn't like that last night, it—it only started this morning, really."

"We'll be very careful," Sirius promised.

"I might forget," Peter said shyly. "Um, if I do, just tell me, okay? Please? I really don't wanna make you feel strange and—and it won't make me feel bad, if you, um, remind me, honest it won't."

Another faint smile. "Thank you."

None of them were looking at him like he was a nutcase, that he belonged locked up in the crazy side of Saint Mungo's.

God, he actually felt accepted. Like after his werewolf secret came out.

"You don't think I'm crazy, do you?" he blurted out as they began heading towards Potions.

All three promised they didn't, that it didn't sound crazy. Then, Sirius quietly said that when he was younger sometimes he hated being touched. There was a distant sadness in his voice as he said this, and Remus wondered if it happened after his parents hurt him.

"Does it still happen to you?" Pete asked, forehead wrinkling. "Bloody hell, have I been making both of you feel awful?"

"No, it hasn't happened since before Hogwarts," Sirius said.

"You've never made me feel awful," Remus promised, and Peter slumped with relief.

It felt strange that so many barriers had been breached, but he was worried about this one. It was a very bizarre request, wasn't it? What if they started treating him like he was some fragile, porcelain doll or something? It was too late to take it back, all he could do was hope this didn't change how they acted around him.

At least James was able to help finish the potion, and they managed to get an E for it by the end of class, which Remus was very happy with. After Slughorn gave them their grade, James reached up for a high five then pulled his hand back, instead giving a thumbs up.

Unfortunately, the next period was a free one. Normally Remus wouldn't mind these chances to relax for a moment or catch up with homework, but today all he could think about was what he found out the night before. Occasionally he would feel a burst of rage inside him which would dissipate quickly, dissolving into sadness.

Did Mum really think it best not to tell me? he wondered while the four of them sat on a bench by the Grand Staircase, James and Sirius occasionally shooting out the tripping hex. Or did she want to protect Dad? He tugged at the hem of his jumper until a strand of wool came loose.

The girls showed up and Cassie scrunched in next to Sirius, practically in his lap, her arms winding around him, her chin on his shoulder. They were giggling and flirting. For a second Remus was confused before remembering they had gotten back together, then the expanse of the truth he discovered shoved everything out of his head again.

His mind drifted back to his father huddled on the ground, wailing that Remus was going to be one of them. He thought again of the question he asked his mother, thought about whether he'd ask his father. Could he? Dare he? He imagined standing in front of his father and asking it, asking Did you rather I die? Would you rather have lost me forever rather than me being like this?

He thought about asking his father, Do you still think werewolves are soulless?

Feeling sick at the mere thought, he tugged at the yarn until the strand broke free. He balled it up between his fingers, staring at it as it squashed and sprang back out. What would his father say? What was his mother going to say? How were they going to react when Remus told them he knew the truth? That they had lied to him all this time.

They were liars, and let their child think for nearly a decade something horrific was his fault.

It wasn't my fault, he thought dizzily, letting the yarn drop. It wasn't my fault, nothing I did caused my bite to happen, I am absolutely innocent in all of this.

Then, suddenly, Sirius kissed Cassie full on the mouth, rather passionately too. James, Peter, Lily, and Alice all went 'OOOOO' and Cassie squealed, shoving his face away.

"NOT SO PUBLIC YOU DUNDERHEAD!" she screamed, hopping to her feet.

"Nobody around but our friends!" Sirius pointed out, jumping up as well and reaching for her waist. Cassie squealed again and took off, Sirius chasing her, both of them laughing.

"If I ever act like that, hex me in the face," James said.

"Can I hex you in the face even if you don't?" Lily asked hopefully, causing the others to snort with laughter.

James tilted his head. "Please do, if it will get the sight of you out of my brain."

"Peter, are you all right?" Alice asked before the two could start bickering like they usually did.

Peter was watching Sirius and Cassie with a deep frown on his face. "Huh? Oh, yeah. Just…"

"What?" James prodded.

He sighed. "I dunno." He blushed a little and scratched at a pimple on his chin. "I still wonder what it's like being kissed."

Lily stood in front of him, hands on her hips. "I'm sure you'll find out soon."

"Me?" Pete laughed. "Not likely! Have you met me? What girl would wanna kiss me?"

She sank down next to him. "Plenty. You're cute, you're very nice—you're not a complete and utter toenail like Potter. I'm sure you'll find some girl soon."

Pete smiled. "Thanks. Maybe. I dunno. At least I'm not alone, though."

"Hmm?"

"I mean, James and Remus haven't been kissed so."

Lily arched her eyebrows, looking past Peter at Remus who ducked his head, pretending to be very interested in the cuff of his robes. "There you are then," she said after a second, patting Pete's arm.

"I haven't been kissed either," Alice admitted. "And frankly, I don't really want to be." James puckered his lips, leaning in while making disgusting sucking noises. She shoved him away. "Ugh! That's exactly why! You are all gross!"

James laughed, wiping the drool off his lips onto the sleeve of his shirt. "What about you, Red? I bet you've never been kissed either."

Lily snorted. "I have so been kissed."

"EW!" he moaned. "Who in Merlin's name would ever want to kiss you? They must be completely out of their mind!"

Remus felt a slight spike of dread even though he doubted Lily would tell the truth. He couldn't help but worry though, and was relieved when she gave a sniffle and said, "I'm not saying."

"Hah! Bet you haven't, then."

"Have so."

"Mmmhmm, I'm sure. In that case I've been kissed too, by loads of girls." Before Lily could respond, Sirius and Cassie reappeared, both out of breath and quite pink-cheeked. Literally, in Sirius's case. "Mate, you got some, erm, lipstick on your cheek there."

Sirius quickly wiped his cheek, snickering a bit while Cassie rolled her eyes, straightening her robes. "We should get to class," she said primly. "It's almost eleven."

The seven of them began walking, James in the lead, Remus trailing behind. He wasn't surprised when Lily fell behind and linked her arm with his, which sent an uncomfortable shudder through his body. It felt like blades scraping against his arm where she held it, but he kept his mouth shut.

"You really never told them?" she whispered, and he wished she wouldn't. He didn't want to talk right now. Didn't want to be human right now.

"No." Every word felt like a boulder, being shoved up a steep hill. Trying to appear normal felt like Sisyphus. And, like Sisyphus, he had to keep doing it. "Why would I?"

She gave a shrug. "I don't know, boys usually seem to brag about that."

He shook his head. "If I mention that, they're never going to think we don't fancy each other."

Lily's eyes bored holes into them. "Would that be so bad?"

"Eh?"

"Would it be so bad if they thought you fancied me? Wouldn't that… help?"

Remus turned to stare, panicked, at their friends ahead of them, scared they had somehow heard that. He felt his neck and face growing red. "I—we—that—no, no. I mean, yes. I—I suppose it would but—I c-can't have them—they—they would only—I already told Sirius I'd never date you."

"Oh," she said a little flatly. "Thanks."

"No! Not like that!" He groaned loudly. "You're like… a sister or something. That's what I told him."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why did you tell him about that? Why were you talking about that?"

He shot another panicked look ahead. "I—I'll tell you later, all right? It's… I c-can't talk about it here, please."

"All right." She gave his arm another squeeze—which felt like more blades—before letting go and taking some quick steps to catch up to Alice.

One thing after another, he thought miserably, tugging at his sleeve. He could not deal with anything involving his—his—being like that. Not right now. Not when the truth about that night was filling his every fiber of being. No, that calamity would simply have to wait its turn.

-X-

McGonagall was waiting for him when he approached the Great Hall for lunch. He thought she had wanted to talk that night, and was a little surprised when she said he was needed in her office. He followed her, feeling confused when she paused outside the door.

"Mythana is here to check up on you," she explained.

Remus's heart dropped then whooshed up before he hurried through the door. "Miss Fawley!"

She turned to face him, brow furrowed. "Remus—"

"I'm sorry," he blurted out, not daring to touch her. Not because of his ickiness with touch, but because he knew he had hurt her the night before. "I am so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you—"

"Remus, it's all right—"

"I wasn't thinking, and it was wrong—"

"Remus—"

"—so so sorry, Miss Fawley, I am so very sorry."

Her hands cupped around his face, brushing his tears away. "I am fine," she said firmly. "A few bruises that were easily healed. I came here because I was worried about you."

He sniffled, looking up at her face. "I'm…" The lie almost came out. He was so used to simply saying he was fine. Miss Fawley knew he wasn't. "I don't know how I am. I'm not… I don't know."

"It's okay not to know," she whispered, stroking his hair.

"The Marauders have been… helping me."

"I'm very glad to hear it."

They stood there in silence for a moment until she put her arms around him, and he gently hugged back. "I am sorry."

"Shh, it's okay. Accidents happen. And you were very distraught. Understandably so. What you went through last night—even without… finding out everything you did… seeing yourself going through that is hard enough." She placed a gentle kiss on the top of his head.

"I wrote them," he confessed suddenly. She raised her eyebrows. "I didn't tell them what was going on, only that I needed to talk to them this weekend."

"Do you think they'll come?"

He thought of how he was using her as blackmail, and guilt swept through his body. "I think so."

"Are you going to be okay talking to them?"

No. "I don't know. I hope so."

They talked for a few more minutes, mostly consisting of Miss Fawley promising him she was all right and him promising he would write to her if he needed her. They hugged again before he left to make it to the last few minutes of lunch.

-X-

Remus wondered where the owl was, but knew it hadn't gotten very far. He hadn't sent it in an emergency or anything so it probably flew to the Hogsmeade Owl Nest to hole up until night. Or maybe it had flown somewhere else, gone farther south. How long would it take for the owl to get to Wales? If the owl flew very quickly, maybe—maybe—early the next morning, but most likely the next night. So… perhaps his parents would be at the school on Friday.

His stomach twisted and he sunk in his seat, not even listening to Professor Codde. It had already been a long drawn-out day and thankfully his friends never said anything whenever he drifted off into oblivion. Nor had they touched him, though Peter nearly gave his shoulder a pat after lunch.

It was nice, not being touched when he felt like this, and he wondered if he could tell them the next time it happened… or if he should not talk about it.

Either way, he was glad when Codde dismissed class and left with Lily and Aegis, only half listening to their conversation. They were talking about the essay they were given, which was to write about whatever they liked as long as it was at least three feet long and solely in runes. Lily was going to write about the Hufflepuffskeins while Aegis said he was thinking about attempting a poem.

"You write poetry?" Lily asked. "Romantic stuff?"

Aegis went vaguely pink. "No. Not really. Not that sort of poetry. I should not have mentioned it…"

Lily smiled. "No, it sounds neat. What do you write about?"

He squirmed, glancing over his shoulder. "It is silly."

"I'm sure it's not," Lily promised.

Aegis looked at the both of them before he ducked his head. "Remus, do you remember our Muggle Studies assignment from earlier this year? With the music? And I chose the song 'Flowers Never Bend'?"

Remus blinked a few times, trying to ground himself in reality instead of wondering about the weekend. "Er, yes," he said, trying to sound as if he had been fully following the conversation.

"Th-that is the sort of thing I like to write about." His cheeks went pinker as he probably waited for his friends to laugh at him or something; that's how Remus would have felt, anyway.

Instead Lily stopped in her tracks and started going on about how cool it sounded, which Remus echoed. She hadn't heard that particular song before but she had heard of the artists Simon and Garfunkel. She started going on about one of their songs called The Sound Of Silence, and Aegis asked if it had any lyrics at all or if it was just silence. Lily giggled, promising it was a good song, and promised to get her hands on the album sometime. Remus thought that Professor Lewis might have a copy and somehow managed to say that, and both his friends stared at him with frowns on their faces.

"Are you okay?" Lily asked.

"You seem rather… strange," Aegis added.

Remus tugged at his satchel, biting his bottom lip and reminding himself to be more present around anyone not the Marauders. "I've got a lot on my mind, I'm sorry. But, erm, yeah, Professor Lewis might—might have one. A copy, I mean. Oh!" He yelped as he ran into a statue, and some other students nearby laughed as Lily helped him up.

"You really have a lot on your mind, eh?" Lily asked, cocking her head to one side and giving him a wide-eyed look. A questioning look.

"Family things," he explained, truthfully.

"Ahh," she replied. Aegis glanced between the two of them, obviously suspecting some sort of nonverbal communication. Lily immediately smiled. "Want to swing by Lewis's office and see if she's still there?"

"I have Muggle Studies tomorrow, I can ask her then," he replied. "But thank you."

After they split up in the Great Hall, Lily turned to Remus and he expected her to ask if it really was family stuff or that stuff. Instead she asked, "Are you going to practice tonight?"

"Erm, probably not. I—I have a lot of work to do." And too much on his mind.

Remus's talk with McGonagall thankfully didn't take too long. He simply told her he had seen the night he was bitten and that had messed up him. He apologized for worrying her last night, and apologized for going missing, and insisted she give him detention or take points away, which she refused to do, pointing out she had already done so. Like Fawley, she made him promise to talk to her if he needed to, which he said he would.

He had some time to himself due to the fact Peter had his Photography club and Sirius had detention. Instead of working on his essays, he climbed under his bed with his blanket and curled up in a little ball, hugging Gwyllgi to his chest as a thousand scenarios raced through his head about the upcoming confrontation with his parents.

-X-

The vampire, laughing. The wolf leaning down and licking… licking.

"Soulless, they're soulless!" his father's voice cried.

Remus was on the kitchen table as a thirteen year old, stretched out, his arm mangled. His father held his mother back. "No," he said, clutching her sobbing form. "No, he shouldn't live like that, it's better to let him die."

"I don't want to die!" Remus begged.

"It's not even our Remus anymore," Lyall said, twisting Hope around so she couldn't see Remus anymore. "It sounds like him and looks like him but it's not him. Werewolves have no soul. Remus's soul is gone."

"Please," he sobbed, thrashing on the table. Lyall approached him, looking down with a glare. "Please don't let me die, I don't want to die!"

"Werewolves deserve nothing but death," Lyall said and shoved Remus off the table.

He fell down towards silver spikes and began screaming. "Please, please, please—"

"PLEASE!" Remus woke up with a jerk, clutching his chest and breathing rapidly. His blankets were wrapped around him and he wasn't on his bed. He was on his floor, also tangled in his curtains… and therefore breaking through the sound dampening spell. He could hear the other boys waking up from his screams and a light went on.

Sirius was the first to spring out of his bed. "Remus?"

"Not again!" Spinnet groaned, shoving back his curtains. "What the bloody hell?"

"Sorry," Remus whimpered, struggling to get untangled. "I'm sorry—"

Sirius knelt beside him, helping him get free. "You don't need to apologize." Once Remus was fully untangled, Sirius helped him to his feet. "Are you all right?"

"No!" Spinnet shouted.

Remus flinched at the angry voice. "Yes," he lied, wrapping his arms around himself. "Sorry—"

"Lupin…" Spinnet stood, looking at the other Marauders who stood around Remus protectively. "Look, I don't—I'm not—I know you can't… control this shit, and you don't—" He paused, raking his fingers through his hair. "I know you don't mean to do this but you understand how frustrating it is, right?"

Sirius started to say something but Remus said, "Yes, I understand. And I am sorry."

"Maybe McGonagall could put some sort of barriers up," suggested Spinnet.

Sirius whirled on him at that. "What, like a baby's cot? You want to treat him like a baby?"

"If things are getting worse then something needs to be done!" Spinnet retorted. "He didn't use to do this, now he does, obviously something's changing—"

"If it bothers you, go sleep in the common room or better yet…" James took a few angry strides over. "Go sleep in the lavatory where shit like you belongs."

Spinnet narrowed his eyes. "I am this close to hexing you, Potter."

James got in his face. "Do it, you coward."

"Stop!" Remus snapped, pulling away from Sirius. "Fighting doesn't help anything. Look, I—I'll talk to McGonagall about it," he said to Spinnet, feeling ill and icky. "See if there isn't something that can be done."

"At least one of you has brains and compassion," Spinnet said, glaring at James and Sirius. "Goodnight."

As Spinnet headed back to his bed, Remus slipped his feet into slippers and headed for the door. "You're not going to talk to her right now, are you?" Pete asked.

"Hmm? Oh, no, I need to—you know, use the.. loo."

He ducked across the hall, heading for the nearest stall. Once locked in, he took in several deep breaths, trying not to cry or break down. Spinnet had a point. Remus never used to fall out of bed and now he was doing it more and more often. What if he started doing it regularly? Perhaps he did need to be put in essentially a cot.

Or tied down.

Like a monster.

Since he knew his friends had followed him in, he flushed the toilet and went straight to the sinks to wash his hands. They were discussing what to do to Spinnet which Remus ignored, not joining in, not wanting revenge. All he wanted was to sleep peacefully. Was that so much to ask?

With the memory fully in my head now, will I ever get sleep again? he wondered, staring blankly at his reflection.

He jumped when someone touched his shoulder, and turned to see Sirius. "If you want me to, I will," he said.

Remus furrowed his brow, not quite sure what Sirius was referring to. "I'd rather you not. Spinnet's a twat but—"

"No, not the revenge." Sirius flapped his hand. "If you want me to sleep with you."

He was a little surprised to find that he wasn't heating up at the suggestion. No fluttery feelings, no aches, no stirs, no nothing. Part of him hoped he was suddenly over Sirius, but part of him knew he was too tired and depressed to really care about that sort of thing right now. His body was too exhausted and stressed out to feel any sort of excitement.

But he also wasn't ready for that yet.

"I think I'll be all right."

Sirius frowned. "Liar." Remus gave him a half-smile, reaching to the towels to dry his hands. "I won't ask again, if you don't want me to."

"It isn't that…" Remus looked down, having no idea how to explain. Not having the energy to figure out the hoops to jump through. "I appreciate it, I do I just… I don't… I…"

"It's not a bother, if that's what you're worried about," Sirius said, running his fingers through his hair.

"No. I mean… yes, that is part of it. I know you—I know it isn't a bother to you, but it feels like it to me." He grasped at this story desperately. "I feel like a burden, even if I'm not," he added quickly when Sirius started to say something. "I'm not… in the best of mindset to deal with that tonight."

Sirius stared at him for what felt like an eternity then finally he nodded. "All right, then. If you have a nightmare—"

"You can come over."

He did have a nightmare, and Sirius showed up soon after, climbing into bed with him to help him calm down. He did his best to distract Remus and tell him jokes until he felt a little better, and then he returned to his own bed. Remus fell asleep… only to have another nightmare, though this one woke him up quietly and didn't wake Sirius up. The rest of his nightmares didn't wake him up at all and when morning finally came he felt just as exhausted as he did when he went to bed.

He got dressed and as he was tying his trainers, Sirius slipped out of his bed. "I can have breakfast with you…"

Remus smiled. "It's all right, Lily has Arithmancy too, we'll have breakfast together."

Sirius frowned at him but then shrugged. "Suit yourself."

Remus didn't eat in the Great Hall. He wasn't even hungry, so he spent his spare time in a corridor pacing back and forth while he tried to figure out exactly what he was going to say to his parents. It was difficult, since he had no idea what they were going to say in response. His biggest fear was them taking him out of school. He tugged hard at his sleeves before snaking his fingers up inside to scratch at his wrist, eyes staring blindly ahead as he continued walking back and forth. What if they did? What would he do? What could he do?

He ran to the nearest bathroom to be sick, though not much came up, since he had hardly eaten anything since supper on Tuesday.

I shouldn't have sent the letter, I shouldn't have stirred the pot. If he could go back in time to stop himself he would. Suddenly that's all he could think about, all he could see. How stupid was he? Of course they were going to take him out of school if he tried arguing with them, if he confronted them with the truth!

He threw up again, or rather dry heaved since there was nothing left now. He rinsed his mouth out and headed to class feeling ill and shaky. It was hard to pay attention to Talkalot, though he did wonder if there were numbers for this, and if so what he would have to do. Calculate the numbers for My parents lied to me? Or perhaps, My father might have wanted me dead.

No. He didn't know that, couldn't know that. That was simply extrapolation. He was assuming something based on how his father was before. Obviously Lyall had changed…

But when had he changed? When did he decide werewolves were okay? When Remus was bitten? The first night he transformed?

Ever at all…?

STOP! Your father might be a liar but he doesn't hate you! If he hated you he would have thrown you at a reserve years ago. He could see it, too. Abandoning Remus outside one of the reservations. Except Remus knew his parents name, could tell people who they were… but they wouldn't care. Hell, the Ministry would probably be glad Lyall 'did the right thing' by throwing away his son—

"Stop!"

He slammed his hands on his desk, panting heavily. It wasn't until he realized how silent the room was that he figured out he had said it out loud. Slowly, he looked up into Talkalot's shocked face and finally heard giggles from his classmate along with whispers of his stupid nickname.

"Is there something you wanted to share, Mr. Lupin?" Talkalot asked, looking down his nose at Remus.

Remus opened and closed his mouth. He should have said he hadn't heard what Talkalot said and asked him to repeat it. He should have said that his friends had put an itching hex on him and he only just realized why he wanted to scratch so bad. There were various things he could and should have done instead, but he only shook his head and sunk low in his seat, face brilliantly red.

"Five points from Gryffindor for that… outburst," Talkalot said, sending more snickers through the room. "And another five for telling your teacher to 'stop'. I'll be having a word with Professor McGonagall. Now, if there isn't anything else…? No? Very well, as I was trying to say… "

Afterwards, most of his classmates were teasing him as they streamed past him. Most shouted 'stop' at him and others simply called him Loopy. Snape gave him a nasty, nasty smirk and quietly said it was proof that Remus's brain was deteriorating. The only ones who didn't say anything were Lily and Aegis though he could tell by their faces and the way they were walking that they wanted to ask him.

He considered offering up a lie but kept his mouth shut, remaining silent the entire way to Muggle Studies. At the door, Aegis asked if he was all right and Remus nodded.

Inside the classroom, Peter practically pounced on him and, in a very soft whisper, asked if it was okay if they could touch him again. Remus said that his skin felt better today and as soon as he did Peter hugged him tightly.

"Been wanting to do that since yesterday," he said when he let go, beaming at Remus who couldn't help but smile back. Peter's old nickname of Blithe was just too apt. It was easy to smile around him.

The Marauders sat down, James chattering away at a million miles per hour as he tried to figure out what Lewis had on her desk. Remus looked over and saw what looked like a pile of plastic pistols or something similar. Peter looked very eager and said they were called water pistols. That you filled them up with water and they squirted out.

"Like a spell, only the Muggle way, and you have to actually put the water in," he said.

"Good, good, Mr. Pettigrew!" Lewis said as she came out of her office holding an armful of more of the water weapons. "Five points to Gryffindor. Oh good, everyone is here. As Mr. Pettigrew said, these are a Muggle invention called the water pistol." She held one up and pulled the trigger, squirting water out. "I thought we could have a bit of fun today with some Muggle toys. It's time for war, children!"

James laughed maniacally as Lewis began handing the guns out. "Oh YES!" he squealed, pulling the trigger experimentally and squirting a bit of water.

"Brilliant, bloody brilliant!" laughed Sirius, eyes gleaming.

Just as Lewis handed the last pistol out, there was a knock at the door. "Come in."

The Head Girl poked her head in, scanning the room. "Remus Lupin is needed immediately in Professor McGonagall's office. His parents are here to speak to him."

Remus dropped the water pistol in shock, stomach plummeting along with it. He stared wide-eyed at the Head Girl, certain he had misheard. His parents? Already?

They could have gotten the letter this morning, if the owl flew fast.

"Very well," said Lewis. "Mr. Lupin, you are excused from this war."

The Head Girl wrinkled her nose at that strange line and waited impatiently as Remus shakily gathered his things. James and Peter were giving him curious looks, but Sirius looked outright horrified.

"Only Lupin," she said and Remus realized Sirius had stood up as well.

"I'll go with him," he said. "Professor Lewis, can I go with him?"

"No," Remus breathed out and Sirius whipped his head around. "Stay here and have fun." He somehow forced a smile on his face. "I know what they want to talk about, it's all right. It isn't an emergency." He frowned, realizing how silly that sounded when he was being pulled out of class. "Erm, not that bad of one, I mean."

Sirius sank back down in his seat, still looking upset. "Okay."

Remus shouldered his satchel and followed the Head Girl out of the room and down the corridor, knees shaking so badly they practically knocked together. As they made their way through the school and towards McGonagall's office he thought he felt like Dorothy, the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, and the Cowardly Lion when they went to see the Great and Powerful Oz. Only Oz wasn't their parents and they weren't accusing him of being a—

Okay well, they did eventually accuse Oz of being a liar but that was beside the point.

They reached McGonagall's door. "Professor Dumbledore brought them here to wait," the Head Girl explained, fiddling with her tie. "He said if you need anything, the password is 'jelly slug'."

Remus nodded and remembered to give her a 'thank you' before turning towards the door. He grabbed the handle, took in a deep breath, and went inside.