Author's note: I'm back! Thank you everyone for your patience. I am sorry about what happened. I'm trying to do better haha. Also thank you everyone for your love and support! I'm going to add here what happened for anyone catching up with the story: in 2021 a bunch of people attacked me, started spreading lies about me, etc. They've continued to do so and I recently found out they're leaving stuff on fan content. So if you make anything, be aware of this. At best they'll just tell you their lies, at worst they might attack you. Just be careful please

Also I've been seeing things online about the possibility of this site (ffn) going down. If it does, you can always find my stories on AO3 under Dovahtobi, or on wattpad under the same name.

CW for references to child abuse, and reference to being stabbed

-x-

By the time Friday morning came around, Remus wasn't sure how he was feeling. He hadn't gone to classes at all the day before (ignoring the jealous grumblings from his friends) and had spent a lot of time going over everything that happened. Sometimes he felt like he did the right thing, other times he felt he had done the wrong thing. Part of him wanted to talk to Fawley about it… show her the memory of the confrontation and get her opinions, though that would mean her seeing Lyall slap Remus and that probably wasn't a good thing; but who else could he talk to? Unless he confessed all the blame and guilt and lies to McGonagall there was nobody else. At least he wouldn't have to make a decision until Tuesday.

"Where were you yesterday?" Lily asked as they headed to Potions after breakfast. "David said you didn't even make it to Divination, and the idiots wouldn't tell me anything."

"A family incident," Remus said, glad it was Friday and he'd have a couple of days without responsibilities—except there was Magical Theory the next day. It should have been the weekend before, but it was put off due to the Hogsmeade visit. Then again, after what happened last time, he wasn't sure if he and Sirius would be welcomed back.

Lily frowned. "Is your mother all right?"

"Erm, y-yes, mostly. As well as she can be. We…" He hesitated, trying to figure out what to tell her since she couldn't know anything. "It was about…" He trailed off, feeling sick with the knowledge of coming up with more lies. Ugh.

Lily pressed a hand against his arm. "You don't need to tell me, it's none of my business."

He sagged a little with relief. "It isn't anything bad though. But it was tiring, and McGonagall suggested I take the day off to rest."

"Of course you get to have whatever days off from classes you like," burst in Snape's voice from behind them. They both turned to see him following them, a sour look on his face. "You get special treatment."

"Severus, he's ill," Lily said.

Snape's eyes darted to Remus. "I just find it unfair he gets to miss class whenever he feels a little… tired." His eyes raked over Remus's body in a way that made him feel like Snape knew it was more than just that.

"Severus, please," Lily pleaded. "Don't start anything right now."

"Right, he had a rough day yesterday, poor thing."

"Sev!"

Snape shrugged and brushed past them. "Pathetic liar," he hissed out in Remus's ear so Lily wouldn't hear.

Except she did hear. She watched him march ahead of them then sighed, turning to Remus. "I don't think you're lying about this, I promise."

He shifted, trying not to look guilty. He wasn't completely lying, really. "It's f-fine, Snape— I'm not upset."

He felt Snape's eyes on him during the entire lesson, at least until there was a small explosion from James and Sirius's cauldron which sprayed white foam over half the class. It was rather hot but thankfully didn't burn, though it did cause a tickling sensation that soon had everyone giggling madly.

Since some of the foam went into cauldrons as well, Slughorn decided to cut the class short and sent everyone covered in foam off to get showers while James and Sirius stayed behind to empty out all the cauldrons. Peter and Remus, having been sitting right next to the others, were soaked in the foam, both of them giggling and wriggling from the tickling all over. They ran through the castle leaving a trail, both of them cursing out the fact their dorms were so far away from the classroom.

"Let's go to the bath," Peter suggested as he tried to scratch at his back. "I can't stand this one more minute!"

They went to the Prefects' bath, which was thankfully empty and began filling the tub, taking their shoes off and jumping in otherwise fully dressed. The relief was almost instantaneous and Remus let out a long sigh, clutching the side of the tub as the water rinsed away the foam. He ducked under the water to get his hair clean and when he emerged he found himself staring into Myrtle's face.

"You haven't visited in a while," she said.

Remus let out a yelp of surprise and fell back into the water, arms and legs flailing as he tried to stay afloat and failed. Peter had to rescue him.

"S-sorry," Remus coughed out after he got situated at the edge of the bath again. "I've been—"

"Busy, I know. A lot of detention for that thing you did the other night." Myrtle tilted her head, staring at Peter. "Why are you both fully dressed? That's even sillier for being in a bathtub than bathing costumes."

"There was an incident in Potions, we had some all over us," Remus explained.

"I hope it's nothing that will clog up the drains."

Remus hesitated, having not thought about that. Actually, he hadn't thought about how the foam might react to water at all. It could have made things worse. Except Slughorn had told everyone to get a shower so if the water made things worse, Slughorn would have warned them or done something himself.

"It's not much potion," Remus muttered, sliding down until his chin was even with the water. "Only some foam."

Myrtle simply blinked behind her glasses. "Strange things can clog up drains. I've found some odd things, you know. Stupid students empty their cauldrons down toilets all the time, and I'm not meaning the sick kind of emptying their cauldrons. Or they dump other things down. Or themselves."

"Them…selves?"

"I've found a person down a drain before," Myrtle said, sitting on the edge of the pool with her legs in the water. "Someone had transfigured them into a goldfish—or tried to—and was attempting to flush them down."

"That's awful!" Peter exclaimed.

"Mm." Myrtle swung her legs, disturbing the water very slightly and the ripples that touched Remus were colder than the rest of the water. "I missed it, or most of it. I was there at the end to watch. Some argument over a boy." She wrinkled her nose. "An ugly boy, too. Certainly not worth turning someone into a goldfish over. Now, your friend Sirius, he is someone worth turning someone into a goldfish over…" She sighed rather dreamily. "I suppose he thinks I'm ugly, though, these horrid pimples!" She began picking at one, glancing at Peter again. "You're getting them, too."

Peter clapped a hand over his forehead where there had been a pimple starting to grow. "I—I don't—"

"You've never had any, have you?" She stared accusingly at Remus who remembered the time she got all in a huff over the fact his skin was so smooth.

"Yes," he lied. "I use Pimple-B-Gone."

"No you don't," Peter said. "You've never had one that I've known about."

Myrtle let out a loud squawk. "Lying to me, I should have known, everyone lies to me, nobody cares about Myrtle or how she feels, do they?"

"Myrtle—"

"Oh, no, who cares, she's only a ghost, she's only dead, her feelings don't matter!"

"Myrtle, please—"

"Well I shall tell you, that's the last time I rescue your head out of a toilet!" With that and a wailing sort of sound she flew into the air and down into a stall, down the drains.

Remus turned to Peter who winced. "Sorry, I wasn't thinking. What did she mean, rescue your head?"

"That's how we met." Remus dunked under the water again for good measure then pulled himself out onto the floor, clothes dripping water everywhere. "In my first year. Mulciber and Avery were shoving my head down a toilet. Myrtle rescued me."

"Oh. I'm sorry for making her upset. Er, have you ever had pimples?"

Remus began wringing out the worst of his uniform. "No. I don't know if I can even get them."

"Huh? Why not?"

He shrugged, taking his socks off to squeeze out. "Pimples are formed when pores are clogged up and get infected. My body naturally fights off infections. And probably clogged pores."

Peter's eyes widened. "You mean you can't get pimples cause you're a werewolf?"

"I don't know. Maybe. I suppose we'll see if I ever get any."

Peter scrambled up onto the floor next to him. "That is so nifty."

"I'd rather have pimples, to be honest."

"Ooh." He screwed his face up. "Right, sorry. They are annoying though. Think James would notice if I stole some of his Pimple-B-Gone?"

"No, he never notices anything like that," Remus replied, getting his wand to start using a drying spell. He had to be careful, though, since he didn't want to dry out his skin. Though that probably didn't matter much either. "Though you might as well ask, he'll share."

Peter nodded, getting his own wand out to attempt the drying spell. "Yeah. He'd probably share. Sikorus!"

"That's not—"

A blast of warm wind shot out, knocking Remus back and sending Peter sliding across the wet tiles until he crashed into a wall.

"Pete, are you all right?"

"Yeahhhh…" Peter sat up, rubbing the back of his head. "That hurt though. I'm such a failure!"

Remus hurried over, helping him up and making sure he wasn't bleeding anywhere. "You aren't a failure, that wasn't the right pronunciation or movement. Have you ever attempted the drying spell before?"

"No. I thought I said the same as you."

"No, it's siccorus."

Peter frowned. "It sounds the same to me."

Remus opened his mouth to explain the difference then shut his mouth, deciding not to get into it. Peter looked very unhappy. "All that matters is you're okay. Here, I'll dry you off a bit and then we'll go to our dorms to get clean uniforms on."

"All right, thanks…"

Peter was very down the entire way and after they got clean uniforms on, he admitted he really felt like he was good for nothing. He upset Myrtle and had done the spell wrong. He said he felt like he couldn't do much of anything right. Remus tried to point out the things he was really good at, and Peter barely listened, insisting it wasn't the same.

They didn't really have time to talk, though, since they barely had time to make it to History. Peter and Remus were the only boys, and Twycross and McNab were there when they arrived, and Nettle was the only one to show up about five minutes after Binns began his lecture. Lily and Alice showed up halfway through, slinking in with their heads down.

"An accident in Potions class," McNab explained after, when one of the Ravenclaws asked. "Potter and Black, of course. I guess everyone had to go get showers."

"Yeah, that's where Cassie and Athena are," Lily said, shaking her still-damp hair. "I think David and Spinnet are, too. No idea where Sirius and Potter are, though. I didn't see them anywhere in the tower."

"Cassie said it was pointless to even come," Alice said. "Since we missed most of it already."

"I hope none of them are in trouble," added Twycross. "Merlin knows we can't afford more points lost. Except for Potter and Black, of course, they deserve to be in trouble but not everyone else, for their accident."

"We could go see how many points we lost," suggested McNab. "Binns didn't say anything."

"Binns doesn't notice anything, he probably didn't even realize half his class wasn't there," Nettle said, folding her arms.

Since they were close enough to the entrance hall, the whole group of them went down to check the points. Gryffindor hadn't lost any points that morning. When Peter and Remus met up with James and Sirius, the other boys explained that Slughorn hadn't taken any points off since they both cleaned the room.

"Erm, you… you both have uhhhhh…" Peter pointed at them.

James and Sirius were both covered with pale blue splotches, especially their faces which were almost entirely blue.

"We know," Sirius sighed. "It's from the foam, from sitting on our skin too long."

"Slughorn didn't let you clean off first?" Remus asked, a little surprised.

"No, we wiped off but he had us clean the room and cauldrons first," James said. "He said he's seen this before and knew it wouldn't hurt us, just tickle a lot. And they did."

"The spots don't hurt?" Remus asked.

"No, they only ruin my good looks," Sirius complained bitterly.

"You look like trolls," Pete said.

"You look like a kraken," Sirius retorted, and Peter smacked his arm angrily.

"Have you cleaned up at all?" Remus asked.

They had gotten showers, but the blue wouldn't come off. Slughorn had told them it would fade throughout the day and indeed they did, getting lighter and lighter until disappearing completely by supper. Though it did give them the idea to try to do something like that as a prank. Either making it rain tickling foam or skin-dying foam. Or liquid, they weren't fussy about which it was, just something. Remus promised to look into it, hoping it wouldn't end up like Project TJ and giving him multiple nights of detention.

-X-

James and Sirius wanted to explore the school that night, and Peter ended up falling asleep so Remus sat in an armchair, knees to his chest, eyes on the fireplace as he mulled over everything from the day before. He was questioning whether he had done the right thing or not. Perhaps he should have let it go… but… they had tampered with his memory. And sometimes he had memory issues. Were the two connected? Or if his father never did that to him would he still have memory issues? He had other mental issues too. The nickname of Loopy wasn't entirely wrong.

He rubbed his face against his knees, thinking back to his life before school. Being at his mother's side all day every day, except whenever he went out to explore the woods. And for nearly seven years she knew what Lyall had done. She looked into Remus's face, knowing that his brain had been messed with to make things easier. For him? Was it really for him? To get through the trauma easier? Or was it for Lyall? He could have convinced Hope it was for Remus, and she would have agreed.

His mother loved him, he had no doubts about that whatsoever. She loved him with every breath, every heartbeat, every last inch of everything she was.

But sometimes he wondered about his father, growing up. And now he wondered even more.

They love me, he loves me. He had defended his father viciously whenever Miss Fawley tried to bring something up. And—and he did. Remus knew his father loved him. But maybe… not as much as… he once thought.

I'm being ridiculous. He rubbed his face again and looked over at Peter. He was curled up in another armchair, mouth hanging open slightly as he snored, a little bit of drool dribbling down his chin. He wanted to shake Pete, wake him up and ask him if he ever wondered about his parents loving him.

He might have, if there weren't footsteps coming down the girls' side. He sat up a bit straighter, putting his feet on the ground, remembering the night when a couple had snogged in the common room while Remus hid. It was awkward. Except nobody was coming down the boys' side.

A somewhat familiar girl appeared, her curly blonde hair framing her face. It took a few seconds for her name to rise up in the murkiness of his head. McKinnon, he thought. Fourth year. She was fully dressed… or… sort've fully dressed. As fully dressed as one could be in a miniskirt and low-cut blouse.

She was beaming, looking very happy… until she saw the two boys. She froze, mouth an 'O'.

"If you're snea—sneaking out, I w-won't say anything," Remus said quietly, hoping she was going out and not meeting someone.

She clamped her lips together, looking first at Peter then back at Remus. "Your two friends sneak out?" she asked, tossing her curls back. Remus shrugged, not answering. "Dunno why you'd be here otherwise." She pulled a little compact out of her pocket and opened it, reapplying some lipstick. Once she had it how she wanted, she looked at him again. "You won't tell?"

"No."

She snapped the compact shut and tucked it back into her pocket before going over to Remus, bending down so he got quite an eyeful of cleavage, and before he could react with fear at her face in his, she planted a wet kiss right on his cheek. She ruffled his hair and left the common room.

Remus wiped at the kiss spot then checked James's watch. It was two in the morning. Where was she going at two in the morning? Dressed like that? Perhaps it was better not to know.

An hourish later when Remus did his usual ten minute check of the door, James and Sirius tumbled in, James holding a wriggling sack. Both boys were giggling.

"Dare I ask?" Remus asked, staring at the sack.

"Dare we ask?" Sirius said right back.

"Pardon?" Remus asked, confused by the statement. Sirius gestured towards him and he looked down at himself, trying to figure out what he meant. Sirius gestured again and when Remus still looked confused, James began tapping his own cheek. Remus touched his cheek, frowning.

"For Merlin's sake!" Sirius cried out loud enough to wake Peter. "The lipstick, you've got lipstick on your bloody cheek! In the shape of lips!"

Remus jumped, immediately blushing as he tried to furiously wipe the mark off. McKinnon had put some new lipstick on right before kissing his cheek. Had she done it on purpose? He looked at his hand, dismayed to find it clean. He tried rubbing again.

"Are you going to sit there burning a hole in your cheek or are you gonna tell us how you got it?" James asked. "Pete, how'd he get that? Do you have one?"

"One what?" Peter wandered over, yawning. "Merlin, Remy, you've got lipstick on your chee—"

"I know!" His hand kept coming back clean so he tried his sleeve. There was a faint pink smudge on the fabric when he did that but nothing more. "Christ, what did she use?"

"She? She who?" Sirius stepped closer, eyes sparkling with amusement. "Who were you kissing?"

"Nobody, I—I wasn't kissing anyone! She kissed me—"

"OOOH!" James squealed, nearly dropping the sack.

"What's that?" Peter asked as the sack gave a rather large twitch. "Is that alive?"

"No, Peter, this is just a burlap bag. Burlap bags aren't alive," James replied sweetly and Peter glared. "Yes, we've got something alive inside. Kinda. But we won't say until Remus tells us about the kiss."

Remus sighed, giving up. "A girl snuck out earlier. I told her I wouldn't snitch on her and she kissed my cheek. That's all. Nothing… big."

"Which girl?" Sirius asked. "By the way, some lipsticks have spells on them to make them stick until you wash them off, either with water or removal potion."

Remus groaned. "Bugger all. How come it got on my cheek if it stays?"

"It needs to dry first," Sirius said, tilting her head. "Were her lips still wet?"

"How do you know so much about lipstick?" Peter asked.

"Cassie's got some," Sirius explained, grinning. "I got some smeared all over my neck the other day because we didn't wait till it dried."

Peter's jaw dropped. "Your neck? You're getting your neck kissed already?"

He gave a rather sheepish shrug. "Yes. What girl?"

"I'm not saying, I promised not to snitch," Remus said. "Do you have any of the special potion to get it off? Or will water work? I'll try water first." He spit on his sleeve and wiped, pleased to see a little more pink came off. "Maybe water will work then. What's in the sack?"

"Was she pretty?" Sirius asked.

Remus was about to reply he didn't know then realized this was a perfect opportunity to appear norma—to appear… like them. Hopefully his over-eagerness to remove the lipstick didn't seem odd. "Very. A lot of…" He motioned his hand in front of his chest, unable to say the words. "She bent over in front of me to kiss me so I saw a lot." He prayed that he sounded boastful enough and judging from the impressed looks on their faces he thought he might. The McKinnon thing was turning out to be helpful!

"Okay now the sack," Peter said.

James opened up the sack and pulled out a—

"Devil's snare!" Remus cried out, staring at the plant that had its tentacles wrapped firmly around James's hand.

"It's just a baby," James said, struggling to get his hand free. "Harmless."

"Devil's snare is not harmless," Remus hissed out. "You can't even get it off your hand. Where did you get it?"

"What does it do again?" Peter asked, poking the plant and promptly getting his own hand trapped. "Oof! Ouch! No!"

"That's what it does," Remus said, folding his arms. "And they can be very dangerous, even as babies. Where. Did. You. Get it?"

"Nicked it from the inside greenhouse," James said, still struggling. "It must've been asleep when we grabbed it, it didn't put up much of a fight, not like this. I forget how to stop it."

Remus rubbed his forehead, groaning. "Then why did you take it? That's brilliant, you know, plant-napping a dangerous plant and not even knowing how to calm it down."

"Lumos!" Sirius flourished his wand and when the light came on, the devil's snare shrank away, releasing James and Peter. James quickly stuffed it back in the bag. "We've got some at home," Sirius explained when Remus raised his eyebrows. "Nox. One year I shoved Bellatrix into it. Was in so much trouble, but it was worth it."

"It hates the lumos spell?" Peter asked, rubbing his hand.

"It hates light and warmth. Usually the regular Lumos spell isn't strong enough, but since it's a baby it works," Remus explained. "You never answered my question. WHY did you take it?'

"Figured we could do something fun with it," James said, holding up the bag as it began wriggling again. "Isn't that how that child's rhyme goes? Great fun?"

"Whatever we do with it, Sprout will know we're the ones who nicked it!" Remus pointed out.

"We're thinking of putting it in someone else's dorm for them to find," Sirius explained, rubbing his hands rather gleefully. "Perhaps Snape. Imagine him opening his drawer for some parchment and that latching on."

"Or we could put it in his bed," James snickered. "Though I was thinking of putting it in the library. Stop looking so horrified, Remus. People go looking in the dangerous plants section, they get more than they bargained for."

Remus scowled. "Where are you going to keep it in the meantime?"

"In this sack, under my bed."

"And if it gets out? Which it can, by the way."

James grimaced a little, looking at the bag. "Erm. Sticking spell on the opening? I can tie it up tightly with some cord, would that work?"

"It could… but you need to make sure there isn't a hole or anything where it can rip the bag," Remus said.

"I'll empty out one of my drawers and keep it in there then," James complained. "Stop being so boring."

"It won't crawl around, will it?" Peter asked.

"If it's not somewhere comfortable enough it might," Remus said.

Peter furrowed his brow. "What's comfy for it? Not light and not warm, right? We could, um, stick it in one of the shower stalls and put an out of order sign up or something. Would that work? That'd be dark and damp."

"And yet you complain you aren't smart?" Remus demanded.

Peter ducked his head, a little smile on his face. "Pete, I could kiss you," James said. "Except I haven't any sticking lipstick on so not much point in smacking your cheek, right?" He elbowed Remus who glared at him. "We could do that tonight, I think Spinny's learned his lesson about poking his head in places we warn them about, after the feather incident."

"Or he could get McGonagall," Remus said as James headed for the stairs.

"It won't be there long enough, just for tonight."

James conjured up some rope to tightly tie the bag and then stuck it in a stall. For extra measure he put it in a box, too. A cardboard one that would stay damp for a while. He let the warm water spray down for a few minutes before turning the water off. Sirius stuck a sign to the outside curtain saying they were working on a potion, do not disturb, liable to explode if bothered at the wrong time.

"So, who kissed you?" Sirius whispered ten minutes later as they were brushing their teeth for bed.

"I'm not telling, I'm not a snitch."

"I won't say anything. I'm just curious." Remus shook his head and Sirius made a whining sound, reminding Remus of a dog. "Fine. How pretty was she?"

"Very, very pretty."

"Prettier than Cassie?"

Remus grit his teeth which was a mistake since his toothbrush was in his mouth and it felt weird. "I think so. You might not. What's it matter? It's only on my cheek." It had, thankfully, washed clean off with some soap and water though it did take a little bit of scrubbing with a towel.

"I'm only curious," Sirius said again.

Remus spat the cleansing potion out and rinsed his mouth out. "And I'm done talking about it. Goodnight, Sirius." He left the bathroom without another word, whispering a goodnight to James and Peter who were already in bed, and then climbed into his own bed. When he fell asleep, he had strange dreams about boys kissing his cheek before they were strangled by plants.

Then in one of these nightmares after the shadowy boy was strangled and died, Lyall loomed out of the darkness with his wand out. He erased Remus's memory, telling him it was for the best then laughed rather maniacally.

When you don't remember, you're a better son, he said. More obedient.

Remus woke up at that, panting a bit as his father's voice echoed through his head. Even though it was just a nightmare, it sent a horrible shiver down his spine as the implications burrowed into him. He sat up, hunching forward with his head in his hands as he tried to remember if his father ever said anything along those lines, but of course nothing came to him except that nightmare.

Not real, he told himself as he turned over, wrapping the blanket around himself. That was just a dumb nightmare, Dad never said anything like that, wouldn't, he wouldn't think that. He didn't even erase the memory, only made it foggy. Whether to protect me from the trauma or to protect himself from me finding out the soulless son remark, I don't know, but it wasn't to make me more obedient. That's stupid.

But if you knew the truth about how he felt about werewolves, would you have been as gentle and nice a son as you have been? asked a voice in the back of his head. Would you have gone along with all the things he said or did? Would you let him have hit you if you knew how he felt?

Remus curled up, tugging the blanket over his head as if to protect himself from those thoughts. Dad hitting me has nothing to do with that, it's because I deserve it.

Do you deserve it?

"Yes," he whispered into the darkness. "I do. Discipline isn't a bad thing."

He hit you even as a small child, he hit you when you were as young as five; maybe he hit you before that. Does a five year old deserve to be hit to be disciplined?

He remembered Fawley's face when she found out, and then of Dumbledore referring to his basement room lightly by saying sticking a child in a hole in the ground was tantamount to child abuse. Remus rolled over the other way and put his pillow over his head, desperate for these thoughts to stop but they wouldn't. They kept snowballing more and more until he sat up again, clutching his chest as another memory drifted into his head.

A memory of a nightmare where his father had stabbed him with a knife, telling him he needed to purge the werewolf from his body.

The nightmares where I heard someone say I was his soulless son turned out to be true. Remus looked at his hands as if they held the answer. No, bloody hell, that's so damned ridiculous, my father—

No, that was a nightmare, that one was truly just a nightmare and nothing else.

Remus lay back down, putting his head back under the pillow and trying to get rid of all his thoughts.