Author's note: CW pet death. I'm so sorry :(
-x-
Dearest Remus
Please write back as soon as you can.
I am so sorry for what happened. Your father feels regret over his reaction, and apologizes for storming out. You took us both by surprise and he wasn't prepared to tell you everything. Please understand that his views are very old. He no longer views werewolves like he used to. He loves you very, very much. And I, of course, love you very very much too. Knowing that I've caused you pain and sadness tears me apart.
I understand you want time to think about everything but I would ask you reconsider not coming home for the holidays? If you do, you will have all the privacy and time to yourself that you need.
Darling, you are everything to me and always have been.
Love, Mum
Remus lowered the parchment and rubbed his forehead, feeling like he didn't get enough sleep to deal with this letter. It didn't surprise him when the owl flew in and woke him up around the time owl post should have been. He figured his mother would be writing soon, though wished she had taken a little more time than… well, probably that very day.
He considered writing back then decided he didn't need to, not right away. He folded the letter up, thanked the owl which was perched on the end of his bed giving him the evil eye, and then got up to put the letter in his desk. Everyone else was still sound asleep—or rather, the other Marauders were. Dave and Spinnet were gone.
After debating whether to go back to sleep or not, he got his slippers on and went to the bathroom to check on the plant. He peeked into the stall and saw the sack was still there and still intact. It wriggled a little bit, but the snare was probably happy enough. He sprayed the box with some water to keep it damp before retreating back to bed for more sleep, which ended up being only an hour before James was jumping on his bed trying to get him to wake up.
The morning consisted of a very long game of Monopoly, as James wanted to try it again. This time Remus was the banker. It was more fun watching others play than playing at the moment; his brain wasn't quite able to focus on properly playing the game, so he purposely lost. He got into enough debt to sell his properties to the others and once the last one was gone, he distributed his money evenly among them and took his token off the board. He remained as the banker, though, rather enjoying the attempts at bribery when James needed a loan. He finally accepted a full bag of creep clusters and turned his nose up at Sirius and Peter who said that was cheating.
"No where in the rules does it say the banker can't accept real sweets as payment for a loan," Remus said, pulling one of the sugared roots out of the bag and nibbling on it.
This game ended in another big fight and Remus thought Sirius and Peter might end up not on speaking terms at all, before James landed on another one of Sirius's properties and owed him a lot of money. Enough that it bankrupted him. He sold his properties all to Peter because Sirius was 'mean' for not wavering the hotel fee, and Sirius lost his temper because there was little chance of him winning with Peter owning most of the board. He flung all his money in James's face and called him a sore loser. James retorted it was Sirius's fault for not letting his own best friend stay in one of his hotels for free. In the end James and Sirius got into a fight which was better than Sirius and Peter, since James and Sirius rolled around on the ground hitting and kicking and biting until they were tired out and called it a truce. Sirius and Peter would have simply not talked to each other and dragged it out for a day or two.
They packed the game up and then went down to get a late lunch. Everyone they passed shot them dirty looks and a few of the students added some nasty names on top of it.
"What's goin' on?" Pete asked after a Hufflepuff suggested James fall into the lake with a weight spell on.
They reached the Great Hall to find not very much food at all. Mostly just fruits, water biscuits, cheese… little things that required no one to cook or anything. Remus had a bad feeling and went to find a teacher. The first one he came across was Sprout, who demanded he take her to the others immediately. Shaking, he led her back to the Great Hall.
"You!" Sprout was on James and Sirius, glowering. "What do you have to say for yourselves?"
James and Sirius exchanged looks then looked back at Sprout. "Did something happen?" James finally asked.
"Did some—don't give me that. Come with me, you need to go see Minerva right away."
"What is it we supposedly did?" Sirius asked grouchily. "Because we've been in our dorm all morning, we haven't done anything."
Sprout motioned for them to stand up. "You can tell Minerva all about it. Come on, then."
Both boys sighed and set their food down, getting up to follow Sprout out. They told Peter and Remus to stay and find out whatever information they could, but neither of them wanted to go around asking people. Going to a teacher was awkward enough for Remus. They had a quick cold lunch before leaving, wandering vaguely up to McGonagall's office. Five minutes after getting there, James and Sirius came out, both looking annoyed.
"Someone made a huge mess in the kitchens," James said, folding his arms. "And apparently we were seen skulking about there earlier."
"You mean when we were playing Monopoly?" Pete asked.
"Apparently," Sirius said, tossing his hair back.
"We can tell her, we can vouch for you," said Remus.
"Won't work," sighed James, messing his hair up. "She asked about an alibi and we told her, and she said you two were unreliable witnesses since you'd lie for us. I said, even Remus? And she said yes, while you were the most dependable she still wouldn't take your word as one hundred percent since there were witnesses who saw us. Our word against theirs."
"And unfortunately we have a very long list of why we aren't trustworthy at all," added Sirius.
"Are you in trouble?" Pete asked.
"Not yet." James made a face. "She said since it's them against us—oh, and she wouldn't tell us who, either."
Sirius narrowed his eyes. "I bet it was Snape, or Mulciber and Avery."
"Everyone knows they hate us," Remus pointed out. "I don't think they'd be believed so much."
James spread his arms out. "Well who else has a grudge against us?" Sirius, Peter, and Remus simply stared at James for several long seconds of silence. James's arms fell to his sides. "Okay. Probably half the school—"
"At least only half the school," Sirius said. "And we aren't in trouble yet. She said she's going to look into it, but we are on thin ice."
Remus wrapped his arms around his middle. "What happened to the kitchens? Are the house-elves all right?"
"Unfortunately," Sirius replied with a yawn.
"Sirius!" Remus said, quite aghast.
Sirius's mouth clamped shut. "What? I don't like house-elves." He glanced around seeing three angry expressions. "Fine. I don't like most house-elves."
"Are you sure you don't just hate one house-elf in particular?" James asked, and Sirius shrugged, not responding. "Anyway, yeah the house-elves are okay, but the kitchens are ruined. McGonagall said it's going to take a lot of work to repair everything—"
"What happened?" Pete asked.
"She wouldn't tell us exactly, but it kinda sounds like there was an explosion or something."
"Maybe we should go look!"
Remus cleared his throat. "Perhaps we shouldn't, that might be… seen as… you know, coming back to the scene of the crime."
They ignored him and took off down the corridor. Remus sighed and followed them through the school, down to the kitchens. The hallway outside the entrance was cordoned off. The Head Boy—a Hufflepuff—was leaning against the wall near the floating barriers and he straightened up when he saw the Marauders.
"You!" He pointed at James and Sirius. "I should have known you'd come back to gloat!"
James held his hands up. "We've come from McGonagall—"
"Oh, I'm sure." He flicked his wand. "I'm getting Professor Sprout."
"We already talked to—" James tried to take a step forward but couldn't. All their feet were stuck to the floor, even Peter and Remus. He jerked his legs to try to move them then his arms wheeled as he lost balance and fell down on his bum. "Merlin's sake we didn't DO ANYTHING!" James shouted after the Head Boy but he disappeared into the kitchens.
A moment later he reemerged, scowling. "Professor Sprout says she's already taken you to Professor McGonagall." He flicked his wand and the boys were freed. Sirius helped Remus up.
"We told you," James grumbled.
"And I'm supposed to believe the two of you? Please. Now go away before you cause more trouble."
The boys left, James swearing in a stream of fury as he stomped along. Once they were in the entrance hall, Peter suggested it was a Hufflepuff who claimed it was them, since the Puffs lived so close to the kitchens. The four of them sat down on a bench while James, Sirius, and Peter tried to figure out which Hufflepuff might do something like that. They came to the conclusion it was probably Catterick and his group. They were the Hufflepuffs that held the biggest grudge against the Marauders.
"There isn't any proof they did it," Remus said as the others started plotting revenge.
"Who else would it be?" James demanded.
"Maybe whoever did it didn't think they were lying," Pete suddenly said and everyone looked at him. He dropped his voice. "We have polyjuice potion. Maybe someone else does too, and is purposely doing something as you two."
Remus shuddered at the thought that someone did that, because if they used his hair— "I doubt it," he said, mostly to reassure himself. "Polyjuice potion is very complicated and only an idiotic student would brew it for something like that."
"We did," James said.
"As I said, only an idiotic student would brew it for something like that," Remus repeated. "It's also very expensive and—and no, I don't think someone would have done it simply to put blame on you two, and if they did they'd do something more public, so there wouldn't be any doubt you two did whatever they were trying to blame you for. If they went to the lengths of a polyjuice potion, they wouldn't have done something so only a couple of students saw them. No, I think it's someone lying. But it was a good thought," he added to Peter, not wanting him to feel bad.
The weather wasn't too terrible, so the boys went outside to get some fresh air, though the ground was very muddy. Their excursion took them into the Forbidden Forest, to Fort Dragon where discussion began again about making a proper fort. Eventually, things turned to what they should do as a prank for the last feast before the Christmas holidays. Which turned into talk about the holidays themselves. James said he thought his parents might want to go somewhere out of the country while Peter bemoaned the fact his grandfather kept mentioning dangerous Muggle things like skiing. Sirius kept fairly quiet, and Remus didn't bring up his own plans of staying behind. That way if he changed his mind… well, he doubted his friends would question him. But he also didn't want to have to explain why he wanted to stay for the holidays.
In the late afternoon as the sun began setting and the air grew chillier, the Marauders returned to the school. There were still a couple of hours until supper, so they went up to the dorm to warm up and find something to do, away from the glares of everyone who obviously blamed them for the kitchens incident. After a few minutes of going through all their games, James suggested they try Twister, stating it couldn't be any worse than Monopoly.
Remus looked over the rules while they set it up, wrinkling his nose. It seemed very… acrobatic. Flexible. Something he wasn't good at. "I can flick the spinner," he offered.
"Can't it do it on its own?" James asked.
"No, it's Muggle."
Sirius took the spinner, studying it. "You could spell it to spin on its own," he suggested. "Come on, it's more fun with all of us."
"How will we know what it's landed on?" Remus asked.
"We'll take turns spinning it," said Peter. "Whoever loses is the next spinner."
"No losing on purpose, though," James added, pointing at Remus.
"How about, second place spins next?" Sirius suggested. "That way Remus can't lose on purpose to get out of the next game, he has to play at least till then."
"You're all mean!" Remus cried out, hugging himself. "I wouldn't lose on purpose."
"Liar," all three of them chorused, and Remus made a face.
Peter handed him the spinner, grinning. "You can spin first, though."
Remus sat down a couple of feet from the board. "That looks… slippery."
Sirius put his hand against the plastic-y looking thing and moved it around. "It is. I'll stick the corners down."
After the 'board' was stuck down and James, Sirius, and Peter took their shoes off, Remus (trying to ignore the stench coming from James's feet and socks) spun the little spinner thing. "Right hand green."
And so began the other three trying to move their bodies in strange ways to stay in the game. James and Peter were twisted up with one another (hence the name, Remus thought) while Sirius was in sort've a backwards spider position with one leg over James's torso. That's when Sirius lost.
"Right foot red," Remus said.
"MERLIN!" Sirius yelled and began trying to swing his foot over James who was moving quickly to the exact red spot Sirius was going for. Sirius yelped and collapsed down. "Bollocks!" He scooted away from the game, arms folded, a scowl on his face.
"I thought your height would be an advantage," laughed James.
"I hope you lose."
Remus kept spinning until finally Peter got into a position he couldn't really get out of easily and he collapsed to the floor, making James the winner. Reluctantly Remus handed Peter the spinner and moved to the board, sighing heavily.
"Left foot blue," Peter called out and Remus stuck his foot onto one of the blue spots. "Right foot yellow."
At first it wasn't too bad but soon all three of them were one big bundle of limbs. "Next time we play make sure everyone uses deodorizing spells please!" Remus bemoaned, his head stuck near Sirius's armpit. "For Merlin's sake."
He had to admit it was fun, and he got into the spirit of the game quickly, trying to move to spots to foil the others. He was too clumsy though, and ended up being the first one out. He was laughing, though, and glad to play again after Sirius won. The only time it wasn't fun was a few games later, when it was just him and Sirius, and they were twisted up together in an awkward way that made Remus want to die. Their bodies were too close and wrapped up together for his comfort, and he purposely lost simply to stop them being so close. He hoped he managed to make it look natural and gladly moved away, sweat soaking his armpits and not just from the exercise. His heart was pounding, and his chest ached as he tried his best to forget the feeling of Sirius's arm brushing against his leg.
He hadn't felt the same in close, compromising positions with James or Peter, just Sirius. He wiped his forehead before flicking the spinner, hoping none of them noticed how flushed he was. James was wrong, this was a dangerous game! Or at least it was if he let it be. If he had better control of himself… perhaps it'd be all right.
"We should play this with the girls sometime," Peter suggested.
"We should," Sirius readily agreed, face red as his head hung upside down, a huge grin on his face.
"Ugh, I don't want to be this close to Red," James complained, his head practically resting on Peter's butt. "Disgusting. Absolutely disgusting."
"Fine, the three of us can play with the girls," Sirius panted out. "You can spin. Me, Remy, and Petey, and Cassie, Alice, and Lily."
"Imagine six people on this," said Peter, wheezing a little because he was in an awkward position.
"Maybe we'd have to make it bigger," James said and then yelped as he fell. "Ouch!"
"Nah, we'd simply have to be more flexible," Sirius said, taking in a deep breath as he moved his leg. "I bet Cassie is flexible." He then laughed, though Remus wasn't sure why it was so funny.
When Sirius won that game, Remus set the spinner aside and suggested they go to supper. He claimed to be very hungry even though he wasn't really, he just didn't want to play with Sirius again at the moment. The others agreed and put the game up, put their shoes on, and headed out of the tower. The kitchens seemed to be better because there was food spread across the tables, though everyone still gave the Marauders angry looks.
"We didn't do it," James said when Charmer stopped them to ask. "We were in our dorm all morning."
At least the girls believed them, since Lily actually believed Remus when he assured her that James and Sirius hadn't left their dorms until lunch, and Cassie grouchily backed them up since apparently she had been waiting in the common room for Sirius and by the time she gave up whatever happened in the kitchen had already happened.
They all seemed intrigued by Twister, and Lily said she had seen it but never played it. They agreed to play—in a hidden room of course, away from where people could see. Remus poked at his food, trying to figure out how to get out of it.
"We have Magical Theory," he said, looking up.
"I thought that was last week," Lily said.
Remus shook his head. "It was put off because of the visit."
Sirius made a face. "Will Chang even let us back in? All right, I guess we can meet up after Magical Theory."
They agreed to meet up in the hidden room at 7:30, and then after everyone finished eating Sirius and Remus went to Magical Theory. Remus crept in, ignoring the looks Chang was giving him; Sirius flounced in, tossing his hair back before taking his seat.
At least Chang let them stay, though he did completely ignore Remus every time he held his hand up.
"Load of bollocks," Sirius said when they left. "Are you even learning anything from that?"
"I am," Remus admitted, clutching his bag to his chest. "I've learned a lot. It's so interesting that there are the same spells in multiple languages, how it isn't really the word but the intention, and how the word is a manifestation of that intention. I mean, it's something I've known for ages—"
"Of course you would."
"—but it's still interesting to hear others talk about it, and also other ideas about it and the whys and it does make me wonder about the origin of spells, I mean—the levitation charm, there are a variety of them all founded in various times across the globe and I wonder which one was really first. Not ours, though. I mean, not wingardium leviosa, in fact I believe the UK was one of the last places to develop the spell. I think the first was in China?" He froze, realizing he was going on a long ramble about something Sirius probably wasn't interested in at all. "Er, in any case, um. Let's get back to the dorms."
"The dorms?" Sirius shook his head, flinging an arm around Remus's shoulders. "It's time for twister!"
"But… we have curfew in half an hour…"
"Like that would ever stop us?"
"Er." Remus hesitated, trying to think of a way out of it. "Right, of course. Erm, you go on ahead, I—I have a letter that needs mailed."
"Can't you do it later?" Sirius asked, frowning.
"I'd rather get it sent now," Remus muttered. "Besides, I haven't visited Arthur in a couple of days." He had been so wrapped up with what happened on Thursday he had completely forgotten to, and felt bad. "I'll be back later."
He had no intention of sending any letter but did want to see Arthur, and figure he could spend half an hour there, which would take him to curfew; he could then claim he was waylaid by a Prefect on the way back and taken right to the dorms.
Once in the owlery he regretted not bringing a cloak as the cold night air blew through the open windows. He shivered as he went to Arthur's nest and—
He wasn't there.
Remus blinked a few times and began looking around, wondering if Arthur had gone somewhere else? He checked Godric's nest, Cocoa's, and Bessie's. No Arthur.
Remus stepped back, craning his neck to look along the wall of cubbyholes, at all the nests.
"Is something wrong?"
He jumped at the voice, turning to see one of the sixth year volunteers coming in. "Oh, I—I was just looking for my owl. I don't see him."
"Out hunting?" the volunteer asked, going over to the door that led into the storage room.
"No, he—he's too old… he…" Remus began shaking, realization seeping through his bones. "He's old."
The volunteer hesitated, grimacing slightly. "What kind of owl?"
Remus swallowed, feeling the tears prickling already. Knowing what he was about to be told. "Sn—snowy."
The volunteer's face fell and tears ran down Remus's cheeks. "I'm sorry," she said, though it sounded far away and muffled. "We found him this morning but none of us could remember who he belonged to. We haven't had time to go through the records yet, with the kitchens thing that happened."
He clenched his hands into fists, remembering the last time he saw Arthur a few days ago. Arthur had slept through the entire visit, hadn't taken any treats or anything. Remus had given his head a little kiss and—and that was a few days ago, Remus hadn't seen him since.
"This m-morning?" he asked thickly.
"Yes."
At least Arthur hadn't been… gone… for a couple of days. At least Remus hadn't—
He sniffled loudly, wiping his nose off on his sleeve as the volunteer opened the door. "He's in here. Come."
Remus followed her into the storage room, wondering just when Arthur had passed away. During the night… was Remus awake when it happened? Was it when he was sitting in the common room, waiting for James and Sirius? Or was he already asleep? Would he have sensed anything?
The volunteer went to a cabinet and opened a drawer, pulling out a wrapped bundle. It looked so small. Too small to be Arthur and for a split second he thought maybe it was all a mistake.
"I'm so sorry," she said, placing the bundle in Remus's arms. Arthur's name was on the bundle along with his nest number. "You can stay in here for a while, if you need to."
Remus sank down onto the floor, staring at the bundle as tears dripped down. "I'm sorry," he whispered as soon as the girl left. "I'm sorry, Arthur, I should have been here, I should have—I should have taken care of you better, should of—" He broke off into tears, curling forward until his forehead touched the cloth.
Arthur had been there for him, every step of the way. Never complaining, never showing any fear. All the other owls—even easy-going Cocoa—were afraid of Remus but Arthur wasn't. He snuggled with Remus, happily shared his life with a werewolf without any problem whatsoever. A brave, brave owl who deserved so much more than someone like Remus. He deserved someone who would have come to the owlery every single day, who would have known so much sooner. He hadn't even meant to come up today! He only came because he wanted to avoid something, and now… now Arthur was gone. Gone, slipped into death without anyone being there, without Remus being there, without him even knowing—
Anger whipped through his body and he bristled at the thought of the volunteers not knowing who Arthur's owner was. How could the incident in the kitchens prevent them from looking? Why didn't someone come get him sooner?
Then just as quickly the anger dissipated. There were hundreds of students, and over half of them had owls. There were only a couple of volunteers. It wasn't their fault.
He touched the cloth then slowly unstuck it, peeling it back until he could see Arthur. His body was stiff and frozen, spelled to remain so for the time being instead of decomposing. He gently touched Arthur's head, stroking down his cheek.
"I'm sorry."
He cried some more as he closed the cloth, resticking it and feeling completely lost. He had no idea what to do. His parents probably wouldn't be bothered, and would complain about the funeral price if Remus asked for it. He knew that Hogwarts would take care of things but it cost a little bit of money. Not much but more than he had. Otherwise someone would take Arthur and use spells to break down his body, speed up the process until there was nothing left.
There were a couple of different options and the cheapest cost a couple of galleons. That was to have Arthur cremated, and the ashes put in a little miniature urn. Remus wasn't sure if he even wanted that. What he wanted was for Arthur to be buried. But that wasn't permitted on Hogwarts grounds. But he couldn't afford to send Arthur back to his parents for a burial there… and he wasn't even sure if his father would care enough to do so. Especially with how angry he was at the moment. Even if he got permission to go home for the weekend, or even the day, really, since the weekend was half done, he wouldn't be able to get home.
He was unaware of how much time passed until the door opened, and the volunteer peered in telling him it was getting late and he wasn't supposed to really be in that room.
"How—how much t-time do I have until—until—"
"Tomorrow, ideally," she said, opening the cabinet so he could put Arthur back in. His hands shook and he gave another sniffle when he let go of the bundle. "Within three days, though, is the limit."
He nodded and wiped his nose off on his sleeve, stammering out a thanks before leaving the owlery. He felt dizzy and lightheaded, like he wasn't even touching the ground. He felt drifty in a bad way and all he could focus on was memories of Arthur.
It was a little like the couple of times he snapped mentally, though not quite. He wasn't seeing black or feeling the wolf, but everything was blurry and far away. He kept bumping into things and barely feeling them, just continuing on his way until he wound up in his dorm room curled up in bed, clutching Gwyllgi tightly as he cried into the stuffed animal.
I could have done things differently, he kept trying to convince himself though he knew Arthur had been old, and it was inevitable.
"Remus?" The door opened and Peter poked his head in. "There you are, we've been looking for you every—Remus?" He came in, eyes wide. "What's wrong?"
Remus sat up, not even caring that Peter was seeing him with Gwyllgi. "Arthur," he managed to get out then took in a shuddering breath. "He's g-gone."
Peter hesitated for a second then ran over, wrapping his arms tightly around Remus who hugged him back, burying his face into his shoulder. After a few minutes he let go and told Remus he was going to get the others. Remus nodded and while Pete was gone he shoved Gwyllgi under his pillow.
Soon all the Marauders were there, hugging Remus and giving him their condolences. None of them seemed to think it was weird that Remus was so distraught over an owl, which he had been worried about. Haltingly he managed to explain to them about how Arthur never cared about the lycanthropy. They knew most owls were afraid of Remus, but he explained that it wasn't just owls, it was almost all animals except for a few magical animals.
"They're af—afraid in—if I—of—of the wolf form," he hiccuped. "But some are—are okay with when we're—I'm—like this and—and Arthur—Arthur—" He broke off, burying his face in his hands.
After a few more minutes James spoke up. "I don't mean to sound… rude or… anything but… can you… afford the… funerary fee?" Remus shook his head, knowing what was coming. "I'll pay for it."
"You—"
"I'll pay for it," he said firmly. "No offense but you don't get a say in the matter, it's for Arthur, all right? For Arthur. He was a good bird, we all liked him. Godric adored him."
"Let us do this," Sirius whispered, rubbing Remus's back.
Remus slowly nodded, giving in probably too easily but not caring. Arthur deserved better than being magicked into decomposition by someone who probably wouldn't care. "I don't know what to do though. I don't think my—my parents would—would care about getting him home and burying him there, and… and I don't think I want him cremated though I suppose I could spread his—his ashes out at home."
"What do you want?" James asked.
"A burial, for him," Remus whispered. "A proper one, but…"
"Then we'll figure something out," James promised, squeezing Remus's hand. "I'll pay the fee so we can… take care of him, and we'll figure it out."
"We c-can't bury him on Hogwarts grounds, it's severely against the rules—"
"Then we'll go to the Forbidden Forest," suggested Peter. Remus glanced up, surprised it was Peter who suggested it with how terrified of the forest he was.
"That's brilliant," James said.
Sirius pressed his hand hard against Remus's back. "Would that be all right with you?"
Remus nodded again and rested his face against his arms.
"How about at Fort Dragon?" James asked. "It's really nice there, and we go there a lot. If you're not comfortable with him being buried there we can go somewhere else—"
"No, that—that would be nice."
After a few more moments of comforting, Remus asked them about the game and how it went; he had to convince them to tell him, insisting it would cheer him up. They gave him the highlights with a lot of laughter, especially since James and Lily wound up being the final two left for one game. It went on for ages, both of them determined to win, though Lily ended up the winner.
"Because she cheated!" James snapped.
"How did she cheat?" Remus asked.
"She didn't cheat," Sirius said.
"Did so!"
"She put her hand between his legs," Peter explained with a giggle. "To get to the yellow spot."
James looked furious. "It was far too close to my willy for my personal comfort."
"James screamed and launched himself across the room," Sirius explained as he laughed.
James held up his hands, holding them a couple of inches apart. "THIS close, Remus, this close! Absolutely not, absolutely disgusting."
"It was the only way to get her hand on yellow," Peter said.
"I don't care, it was cheating. I didn't put my hand anywhere near her—her parts."
"You did get rather close to her chest at one point," Sirius remarked.
"She doesn't have anything there," James replied haughtily.
David and Spinnet came in at that point so discussion of Twister ended. Instead, the others played cards while Remus curled up, trying to go to sleep. Sirius quietly offered to share the bed but Remus shook his head, thanking him but not wanting to have someone there. He wanted to be alone. Needed to be alone.
It did take him a while to get to sleep, and once he did he had many nightmares though none of them woke him up loudly. He woke up twice, gasping and sweating, and unable to really remember what had happened in the nightmare. He just felt vaguely scared and guilty.
In the morning he went with the others to James's practice for distraction, and afterwards it was time. The four of them found one of the volunteers who went up to the owlery with them. James paid the fee and the volunteer handed Arthur's body over to Remus, albeit suspiciously.
"What are you doing with it?" he asked.
"Sending him home," Remus lied.
They went back outside where it was spitting snow, which was better than sleet or rain. None of them spoke as they made their way to the forest and down their usual path to where Fort Dragon awaited. Remus selected a nice spot on the edge of the clearing and Sirius dug a grave with magic, going a lot deeper than Remus expected him to. Once it was done Remus lay Arthur's body down and all four of them stared down at it.
"Arthur was a good owl," James said when nobody said anything else. "He was loyal to Remus, and loved him very much…"
They all said a few things and Peter even dropped in an owl treat.
"You were my first friend," Remus whispered, crouching down. "You were there for me every morning after all my transformations at home. I remember once when I was really bad you flew over and cuddled up with me and got blood all over your feathers. I remember one morning you brought me a dead mouse, probably to try to make me feel better or—or maybe you thought I needed to eat more. You took care of me and you helped me, Arthur. I'll never forget you. Thank you."
A few tears dripped down as he began pushing the dirt over the grave. The others started to kneel down but Remus shook his head, wanting to do this on his own. He cried as he covered the bundle and mounded the dirt up, pressing down to make it as flat as he could. After rocking back and forth on his heels a few times he got up, leaning against James who put his arm around Remus's waist.
Sirius knelt down, fixing a stone into the ground. On it was etched simply 'AL', for Arthur Lupin.
"I wanted to do more but… I also didn't want anyone to find this and know it was you," he explained, standing up and ignoring the dirt on the knees of his trousers. "I don't think you'd get in trouble for burying your owl here but… we're also not supposed to be here."
Remus nodded, wiping his eyes off on his sleeve. "No, it's fine. It's perfect. Thank you."
They stood there staring at the headstone for several long minutes until finally Remus shivered, pulling his jacket tighter and saying they should probably get back to the school. James held his hand the entire way through the forest, after making sure it was okay.
They're such good friends, he thought as they snuck out of the woods, making sure nobody was around to see them. He really wanted to do something for them so when they split up for the day, Remus went to McGonagall instead of going to the dorm like he said he would. It took a little while to find her but finally he tracked her down in the teacher's lounge. He told her that his owl had passed away, and that the others had been really helpful and kind, and he was wondering if he could perhaps bake them something in the kitchens if that was okay? She told him how sorry she was for his loss and said it was fine for him to use the kitchen. She wrote down a permission slip, smiling as he left.
Remus peeked in to make sure everything was okay and then slipped in, showing Toggle the slip. He was situated in a corner with ingredients and a cookbook, and began making some simple chocolate chip cookies. It was therapeutic, really, to work on them, to lose himself in the motions. At least the ingredients smelled better than when he worked on a potion, and he only sort've messed the cookies up. They came out rather misshapen and lumpy, and were somehow slightly burnt on the edges and still soft in the middle but they were edible.
After they were cooled, he took them to the dorm, divided them into three bags, wrote thank you notes, and placed the bags on each of their pillows.
Remus took a long nap before he went to find his friends, not really feeling like doing anything but not wanting to be alone anymore. He wrote a short note to his parents informing them of Arthur's passing and Sirius was kind enough to take it to the owlery and send it off. Remus wasn't ready to go anywhere near the place anytime soon.
Lily came over at supper, telling him that Peter told her what happened, and said how sorry she was. She gave him a tight hug and a kiss on the cheek.
When the other Marauders discovered the gifts, all three told Remus he shouldn't have gone to all that trouble, that of course they'd be there for him, and they offered to share with him which he declined.
"I'm sorry they're a little burnt…"
"They're perfect," Sirius promised. It was a lie, but Remus smiled anyway, glad the cookies made them happy.