Jake was quiet when he returned to the mobile unit that night, finding himself losing track of the conversation when Grace tried to grill him on how the meeting with the Tipani had gone.
"Hey," Grace snapped her fingers in front of his face, pulling him back from where his gaze had drifted out towards a nearby window, staring out into the night, "I know you've had a long day and…" she paused on the next words, considering them, before continuing, "I know how hard it is for you to come back here, but I need you to focus."
"Sorry," Jake gave an apologetic sort of grimace before finishing his recollection of the day's events.
She nodded and thanked him, as though he'd done well, as though it hadn't been like pulling teeth, and Jake found himself stuck on the words she had offered. He knew she was right, knew he was a stone's throw from being truly pitiful every time he had to return to the unit, return to his human body.
He couldn't help it. How could he not feel a bit pitiful when there was nothing for him here, nothing but cold walls and a broken body.
Jake looked up at Grace, typing away at her tablet, pretending not to notice him brooding.
He had grown away from his initial anger towards the complicated woman. It wasn't something he'd intended to get past necessarily, but it was hard to hold onto old resentment after everything she'd done for him, after everything they'd been through.
How many times had she been his one human ally? How many times had she protected him, defended him, no matter how significant or insignificant the threat?
Jake knew she didn't have all the answers, she was more knowledgeable than him in some more academic aspects, sure, but Jake still had a leg up on her in the practical knowledge of Pandora—experience, time, and proximity being factors obviously in his favor.
Still, however, Jake found himself overcome with the sudden urge to confide in the tired scientist. Somehow, without too much evidence to support his theory, he had the feeling that Grace would understand him in some way, at least enough to listen, at least enough to care.
"I feel like..." Jake whispered into the silence, training his eyes back onto the window, but knowing Grace was paying attention even though he couldn't see her, "I feel like I'm drowning."
He paused there, let his heart beat hard against his ribs, not knowing where he wanted to go with the conversation. He'd never had a human friend before, not really, not in any way that mattered, not enough to ever learn how to let himself talk about how he was feeling just for the sake of saying it out loud.
Grace said nothing though, so he continued on without a plan, not that he'd ever had a plan for anything else he'd ever done, "this is all so much..." he felt like he was choking on air, but he forced the words past his throat, "a few weeks ago I was just some asshole marine... I mean, you know... I came here for this, for all of this, for him… you… you know that."
He tore his eyes away from the window to look at Grace, who was looking at him with soft, sad eyes, but still she said nothing.
"I love him," Jake's voice trembled, and he wanted to curse it, wanted to resent it, but he was ripping open his chest and laying everything out onto the cold metal floor and he couldn't find the energy to condemn himself for showing a bit of weakness, "I love him so goddamn much it's burning me alive. I love this place and I love these people, and I want to... I will do anything I have to in order to protect it, but... I'm just..." he gestured out, as though baring himself to her, "I'm just me."
A sob broke from his chest and he tried to kill it in his throat, so only a strangled, wet, pained noise escaped him.
"I don't know what I'm doing," he felt so much like a child and wished now, more than he had in all the years since he'd been without her, that his mother could be there with him, alive and always willing to wrap him up in her arms. She would have loved Tsu'tey, now that Jake could prove he was real, and Jake felt her absence suddenly like an open wound, "I don't know how we're going to pull this off, and they keep including me in the discussions and the meetings like I'm not just some jackass from nowhere Iowa."
Jake struggled to hold Grace's gaze. He wasn't ashamed of the words he'd spoken; he wasn't ashamed of the worry and fear he felt—he was past that, past allowing himself to find embarrassment in the honesty of what he felt. For the first time in his life, Jake was secure in the company he kept, in the place he had found for himself, and for that he had granted himself the honesty of self-reflection. There was no more pushing down what he wanted, no more hiding who he was, it had taken him twenty eight years—though six of those he'd been asleep for—to finally find his way to where he belonged, and he refused to be ashamed of the feelings he had as a result of it.
Even still, no matter how much he may have decided to allow himself to acknowledge and accept his own emotions, it was a different matter all together to voice those to another person. It was a learning curve he'd been able to get over rather quickly with Tsu'tey, but that was different. Tsu'tey knew him, had always known him, just as he had always known Tsu'tey. Jake had never had to question whether or not he could trust the other man, to question Tsu'tey's loyalty would be like questioning himself. He always knew that Tsu'tey would understand him, would accept his thoughts without judgement. To ask if Tsu'tey would stand by him would be the same as asking his limbs if they would stay attached to his person—though in Jake's case, that might not be the best example.
To ask Grace to take his words and hold them in her chest, to understand as best she could and listen—that did not come easy. He was asking this woman, this person whom, though he may have been aware of her far before they'd ever met, was little more than a stranger only a few weeks previously, to take in all that he'd laid bare for her, to sort it and navigate it despite the lack of ability to completely understand his circumstance, and to treat it gently.
It was a skill Jake had no experience in, but it was too late to take it back. He'd said the words, laid out delicate, vulnerable pieces of himself, and, despite everything, he felt better for it. So, despite the cacophony of emotions ricocheting against his sternum at a sickening pace, he looked up and found Grace's eyes again, and waited to see if it would all blow up in his face.
"Well," Grace spoke for the first time since Jake had started his exodus of emotional baggage, her voice careful, "for a dumbass marine from nowhere Iowa, you've done pretty good so far."
Jake felt a smile tug at the edges of his lips despite himself, "I haven't done shit, we've barely gotten started, I'm lucky I didn't get us thrown out today."
Grace looked at him for a long moment, searching as she so often did, "the fuck are you talking about?"
Jake raised an eyebrow, opening his mouth to ask her to clarify, but she cut him off before he had the chance.
"You told Quaritch to go fuck himself your first week on base," Grace was looking at Jake like he'd grown a new appendage, like he was the dumbest creature she'd ever had the misfortune of knowing, and maybe he was, "you told me to go fuck myself several times in not so many words. You found Tsu'tey despite all the odds and stood beside him and walked into Omaticaya territory with your head held high. You told the truth, admitted your bond to Eytukan, who probably wanted you dead on sight, and claimed your right to be there.
"You got yourself accepted as a genuine Omaticaya Warrior, as a member of the tribe, and what do you do? You ask permission for me and Norm to be allowed in, knowing how much that could have blown up in your face.
"When Neytiri and Trudy started their little affair, what did you do? You protected them, covered for Neytiri, then stood beside them when it bit them in the ass.
"Then today, you spoke from the heart and you not only got Sänume to agree to aid in the fight, but also got her to lend two of her own people to teach the Omaticayas how to make armor.
"All off that," Grace gesticulated wildly, as though all the things she had just said were hanging in the air around them, "that's not nothing. That's you having the persistence and the courage and the passion that's going to make you a fantastic leader alongside Tsu'tey and Neytiri and... fuck, I guess, Trudy."
Grace rose from her seat then, taking the few steps it took to put her in front of Jake, where she fixed him with a serious look that had his brain stuttering.
"We're going to win," Grace said, her voice so calm and so even, Jake could almost believe she was stating some well-established fact that he'd somehow been ignorant to, "and not just because of you, don't go getting a fat head or having a panic attack because you think this is all riding on you—because it isn't. We're going to win because all the good things about you, all that bravery and determination, that's all just what makes you fit in so well with this tribe, because they all have that too. They're going to fight for their people and their land for all they're worth, and you're going to be right there with them, because that's who you are, because you're one of them."
It's too much for Jake, his chest feels fit to burst and he thinks he'll crumble if he tries to speak, so he's grateful when Grace continues, the severe look she'd had a moment ago melting into something softer, more affectionate.
"Eywa didn't just bring you here for Tsu'tey, Jake," she said, her eyes glassy, "she brought you here because it's where you belong."
Jake wished he could stand up and hug her, but he settles for reaching out and clasping her hand in his, trying to pour all the gratitude he felt in that moment into their contact.
"You'll probably have a few more crisis of faith moments before this is all over," Grace's mouth quirked up, patting the hand covering her own, "feel free to seek me out, I'll be happy to kick you in the ass and set you straight."
Jake could only nod at her, still not trusting his voice, the swelling feeling in his chest only growing.
"Now fuck off to bed," Grace looked like she wanted to laugh as she pulled away from his grasp, only to reach out and place a steady hand on Jake's shoulder, "you look like shit."
Jake chuckled lightly as Grace's hand lifted from his shoulder, "yeah," his voice, mercifully, only shook slightly on the exhale, "okay… thanks."
"No problem, idiot," Grace smiled after him as he began to move past her, towards the bunks, the weight that had building steadily in his chest, nearly blinding, easing somewhat as he went.
-x-
"We've got the Olagni clan tomorrow," Neytiri said casually over her shoulder as they walked, Jake and Tsu'tey trailing after her from where she'd come to collect them from Grace's class, saving them once again from the scaling hands and feet of the children who had been fastest to claim them the moment they'd taken a seat.
"They might not be as easy to convince as the Tipani," Tsu'tey added, his mouth pulled in a line, his shoulders squared, as though removing all the soft edges from his features and posture would hide the anxiety thrumming through him.
"They're out in the four winds, right, out on the plains?" Jake asked, trying to recall everything he knew about the clan, "I remember you traveling there when you were young."
Tsu'tey looked at Jake out of the corner of his eye, affection bleeding out into his eyes he tried so desperately to keep cold, "yes, they are not far past the jungle, however, they have had little to no interaction with the Skypeople, and therefore may feel less inclined to get involved."
Jake huffed out a breath, they had decided to move from clan to clan starting with the easiest and ending with the most challenging. They were only on their second tribe now, and already it was apparently going to be a hard sell; he didn't even want to think about what the last clan would entail.
"Where exactly did you leave Trudy?" Jake asked, changing the subject as they arrived at the center of the common area, Trudy nowhere to be seen.
"She was right here," Neytiri frowned at the dirt as though it were to blame.
"Well, she cannot have gotten far," Tsu'tey mused, looking around, "she is so small, her legs could not have taken her much distance."
Neytiri shot him a scathing look that he pretended not to notice in favor of continuing to sweep his gaze around the clearing.
Worry was just starting to buzz beneath Jake's skin when a familiar laugh cut through the chatter around them, coming from a far-off corner of the commons.
The trio exchanged looks before setting off in the direction the sound had come from.
Jake wasn't sure what they'd expected to find, but Trudy sitting in a large circle, dwarfed by the Na'vis sat around her, working away at a pile of materials that was slowly taking shape into something resembling an armored breastplate, was not it.
"Hey, guys," Trudy waved as they approached, her eyes sparkling with residual laughter beneath the thick plexiglass of her mask.
"What are you doing?" Neytiri's eyebrow raised as she looked around the small workshop Trudy had apparently crashed.
"This Skyperson is attending the class we are holding," one of the Tipani craftsman spoke up from their place in the circle, her large golden eyes crinkled just slightly in the corners, an amused look on her face, "her small hands are perfect for the finer work necessary in the more intricate pieces."
"I see," Neytiri nodded, her features pulling in an apprehensive expression as she fixed her gaze on the two Tipanis, trying to size them up without being too obvious.
"We are to understand she is your bondmate, Neytiri," the second craftsman said, without looking up from his work, his tone unreadable, but not openly hostile, "this is very interesting."
"Is it?" Neytiri narrowed her eyes at the man, challenging him though he still was not looking at her.
"We had many Dreamwalkers in our tribe before our clans' Olo'eyktans saw fit to banish them from our lands," the craftsman continued, as though completely unaware of the danger he was in, "I cannot deny that I too found several of them… intriguing. I was surprised a Skyperson without a Dreamwalker body left their base to come here, she tells us you are not tì'i'avay krrä yawntu, as your friends are."
The trio is taken aback by the craftsman's words, they look over to Trudy who had returned her focus to her work, seemingly unconcerned with the conversation.
"Trudy is one of Jake-Sully's companions," Neytiri said, her voice a little uncertain as she gestured out towards Jake, despite the fact that the craftsman still had yet to look up at them.
The craftsman nodded down at his work before setting it down and finally lifting his face to meet Neytiri's eyes, the ghost of a smile on his lips, "yes, that is what we have heard. She brags of her piloting skills nearly as much as she brags of you," he politely ignored the flush that burst across Neytiri's cheeks as he continued, "forgive me, if I led you to believe I was judging in any way. I am not known for my tact."
The other craftsman scoffed at that, rolling her eyes as she continued working, muttering something under her breath, presumably in agreement with his self-assessment.
"No apologies necessary," Neytiri nodded, the tension in her shoulders easing into a relaxed posture, "may we join you?"
"Of course," the craftsman waved his hand, sweeping his arm out as though offering them a seat.
The trio settled in beside Trudy, who grinned up at them from her attempt at binding two armor plates together. They spend the morning there, following along with the Tipani's instructions, managing to only be slightly disruptive to the class—but how could Jake and Tsu'tey resist the urge to mock Neytiri, who quickly established herself as the least talented at this new skill out of the four of them.
They could almost forget, as they sat there, working with their hands, laughing and nudging at each other, about all their worries, about the meetings fraught with tension that were soon to come, about the battle that was looming in closer and closer by the day.
The fun came to an end, however, when a figure approached the circle, their sights set on the four of them, their laughter dying in their throats.
Though Trudy had never seen Sya'o to know that her presence always meant that they were being summoned to appear before Mo'at and Eytukan, but she was savvy enough to recognize the unease her existence before them brought.
"Greetings," Sya'o offered a polite bow of her head to the circle, as though in apology for the interruption, "the presence of Trudy-Chacon has been requested, you three may come as well, if you wish."
They nodded at the woman before sending farewells and thanks to the Tipanis as they stood to follow after Sya'o.
"What do you think they want?" Trudy asked quietly as they walked, anxiety heavy in her voice.
Neytiri looked over at Jake and Tsu'tey, as though hoping they had answers somehow.
"I'm sure it's nothing bad," Jake tried to reassure, he'd grown past his initial fear of Eytukan and Mo'at, though some fear was still necessary, a healthy amount that kept his back straight and, hopefully, his mouth closed for as long as possible.
Trudy made a noise at him, it would have been a scoff if she'd had the animosity or humor to pull it off, but right now, Jake knew better than anyone, that her throat was closing in fear and he wished he could offer some comfort.
"We will be there the whole time," Neytiri said, placing a hand on the other woman's shoulder as the alcove Mo'at and Eytukan would be located in came into view.
Trudy only nodded at that as Sya'o ushered them past the hanging vines, not giving them any time to allow their worry to fester anymore than the walk there already had.
Jake wondered briefly if Sya'o thought them all cowards, as the only time she ever interacted with them, they spent the entire time fretting among themselves. However, as he looked at her, before he moved past the leaves and into the hollow, he thought he saw a hint of sympathy on her face, and reconsidered that maybe she, over any other member of the tribe, could understand their anxiety.
His thoughts faded to the back of his mind as he found himself in the increasingly familiar room, Mo'at and Eytukan sat where they always were against the back wall, their features unreadable. The party sat without a word, training their eyes on the woodgrain between themselves and the two leaders, waiting for one of them to speak.
"I suppose it was foolish of me to even consider the notion that all four of you would not attend this conversation," Mo'at said, her features never changing from their neutral expression, but her voice had an inflection of humor to it, "even if we had not invited all of you, I imagine you would still have found a way to listen out of sight."
The trio shifted a bit uncomfortably but did not argue her point—she wasn't wrong. They didn't dare look up, still trying to parse out the tone of the meeting, despite its casual start.
"We have called Trudy-Chacon here to discuss several things," Mo'at continued, doing nothing to ease their anxiety, "her place here, while necessitated by your spontaneous decision to bond, Neytiri, is still undetermined. Though she may have been a warrior on her own planet, she cannot be so here, she is far too small."
Jake felt Trudy flinch beside him and wished he could reach out and place his hand on her shoulder, offer some comfort. He wished Mo'at would get on with her point, instead of dragging it out.
"She cannot join the gathering parties, nor the scouting parties, nor the hunting parties," Jake could almost imagine Mo'at listing off all the things Trudy was incapable of doing off on her long, elegant fingers, each one hitting like a physical blow, "as she is not much bigger than a nantang and she lacks a tswin to form a tsaheylu with a pa'li or an íkran."
"Mother," Neytiri snapped, the tension in her body juxtaposing against the slight shaking of Trudy's shoulders, "will you get to the point, please?"
Mo'at's mouth pulled in a disapproving line, though her eyes betrayed her somewhat, as they shone just slightly with humor, "You are too impatient, daughter," Mo'at exhaled sharply, before continuing, "I was about to explain before being interrupted by your persistent disrespect."
Neytiri shrunk into herself somewhat, properly scorned as Mo'at fixed her with a sharp look before turning her eyes over to Trudy, whose nerves were wound so tight she looked on the verge of collapse.
"I have come to the decision to take Trudy-Chacon as my pupil and teach her how to be a healer, I believe her small stature will do well in the delicate actions necessary in the preparatory and practicing roles of such work."
Silence fell over the room, shock seeming to steal the air from their lungs, freezing them where they sat, trying desperately to process her words, unsure if they had heard her correctly.
"That is, of course," Mo'at cut through the silence, a smile threatening her lips, "if Trudy-Chacon finds this offer agreeable."
Another beat of silence passed, and Jake worried for a moment that Trudy was somehow, in her shock, unable or unaware that she needed to respond.
The moment passed as a shiver seemed to go up Trudy's spine, snapping her out of the catatonic state she'd fallen into as she opened her mouth and forced words from her throat like she'd forgotten how to speak.
"Yes," Trudy breathed out, her nails digging into the wood beneath her, "yes, I would… I would like that very much, ma'am."
"Very well," Mo'at nodded, and suddenly the trio could breathe again, some of the tension lifting from the air around them, "we shall start in three mornings' time."
"Yes, ma'am, thank you," Trudy choked out, disbelief muffling her voice.
"Now that that matter has been settled," Mo'at continued, "we will move on to our second reason for speaking with you today."
Jake could almost feel Trudy's shoulders collapse a bit at the words, not sure how much more talking she could take.
"Am I to understand that you intend to remain here after we chase the Skypeople off our planet, as Jake-Sully intends to?" Jake wasn't exactly sure how Mo'at knew he was planning to stay, though, at this point, he found himself almost assuming that she knew things even before he voiced them aloud.
"Yes," Trudy nodded at the ground.
Mo'at nodded, "I have been praying to Eywa, spending much time at the Vitraya Ramunong, asking for guidance and solutions for your physical limitations."
Something about the mental image of Mo'at spending excessive hours of her day at the Tree of Souls, praying for Trudy's sake, was as odd as it was pleasant. It showed that Mo'at desired to make Trudy's position in the clan work, where, before, Jake might have expected little more than apathy.
"Now, of course, there is nothing to be done about your height or your lack of tswin," Mo'at waved her hand in front of her as though to dismiss the idea, "however, I believe something can be done for your ability to breathe our air."
For the second time in a very short space of time, the party found themselves stunned.
"Mother," Neytiri spoke cautiously, as though unsure she had properly understood, "what do you mean?"
"I believe that we possess the means of granting Trudy-Chacon the ability to breathe without the assistance of her mask," Mo'at restated, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world and they were wasting her precious time asking her to repeat herself.
"How?" this time it was Trudy who spoke, her voice wavering slightly.
"Neytiri has already discovered that a tsaheylu can be formed with you," Mo'at explained in an even voice, "I have come to believe that if we were to connect you with Eywa using the Vitraya Ramunong, should Eywa wish it, it is possible she could adapt your lungs to suit our atmosphere, as you have proven that you have already begun to gain the ability to breathe our air for a short amount of time."
Jake sat there, staring at his hands on his knees, running Mo'at's words through his mind, and finding that they, weirdly, made some sort of sense to him.
"Would this be dangerous?" Neytiri asked, her tone unreadable, fluctuating between worry and reluctant hope.
"Everything comes with risks, daughter," Mo'at scolded, though there was no bite behind the words, "it is simply up to Trudy-Chacon and yourself whether you desire to brave that danger."
"I mean could she die?" Neytiri's voice crackled with desperation, looking up at her mother with wide, panicked eyes.
Mo'at looked between Neytiri and Trudy for a moment, her eyes soft as she spoke, her words directed at Trudy, "that is a possibility, we would be asking Eywa to change a physical part of you. It had not been done before, I cannot promise it will work or that you will survive. It must be your decision, over anyone else, you must decide if the risk is worth it to you."
Jake couldn't help but find Mo'at's words slightly unfair, what she was proposing was not simply an act of loyalty, it was a test, whether Mo'at wished to admit it to herself or not, it was a test to see how far Trudy was willing to go not only for Neytiri, but for her place in the Omaticaya clan.
Jake almost said something, had unhinged his jaw, ready to open his mouth and speak out, knowing full well that impulse was the exact thing he had been chastising himself for only one day previously, but Trudy's voice sounded out before he could think of the words to say.
"Yes," Trudy breathed out. Neytiri's head snapped in her direction, a protest ready on her lips, but Trudy held up a hand to silence her, "if there's a chance this will work… I have to. I can't stay here forever if I can't breathe the air," Trudy reached out and held Neytiri's hand in her own, "these masks wont last forever, and, anyway, what kind of life would that be, having to live inside that stupid mobile unit for the rest of my life because the mask might come off in my sleep if I stay out here? That's even assuming we could keep the generators running that long… I have to do this, no matter the risks."
Jake had heard the words fall from her lips, and he felt as though the floor beneath him was giving way. She was right, he thought bitterly, it would be miserable having to spend every night in that building for the rest of their lives, and she was right about the uncertainty of the mechanics.
He hadn't thought that far ahead, hadn't allowed himself to, he had thought that it was because he wasn't really expecting to survive the upcoming battle, but now he realized it had at least partially been due to the fact that his plan made no sense.
Even if he cut the power to everything inside the unit except for his own pod and life support, those two things alone took up a large amount of energy. Jake wasn't a mechanic, he couldn't fix anything if it broke—forget the generator, he couldn't even keep life support going or keep his pod running if something were to go wrong with them.
He felt like he was hyperventilating, and when he glanced over to Tsu'tey, he could see the other man's white-knuckle grip against his knees and knew that the same thoughts were running through both their heads.
Jake had no idea if Mo'at or Trudy or Neytiri were still talking, he couldn't hear anything past the rushing of blood in his ears as the reality of his situation collapsed in his chest as he felt his head snapping up and his mouth opening without his permission, and it was beyond him to stop himself as he blurted out, his voice cracking so hard it sounded like his vocal cords snapped, "what about me?"
Oh, he wanted to sink into the floor and die, he wanted to turn tail and run, wanted to bury his face in his hands, because that was the most childish way he could have possibly put it.
"I mean…" Jake had to use all his willpower to stay seated on his knees, his back straight, as though he didn't want to fling himself off a cliff, "I'm sorry, I just meant…" he wanted to die, "Trudy's right. There's no guarantee we… I… could keep everything up and running in order to keep the mobile unit useable… I just-"
"If you children would stop interrupting me," Mo'at sighed, though it seemed more dignified when it came from her, "we would have arrived on that topic."
"Oh," Jake grimaced, embarrassment flooding his chest as he fixed his eyes back onto the wood in front of him, "I'm sorry."
Mo'at let out a small laugh, apparently taking pity on him, "no apologies, Jake-Sully, your worry is understandable," she paused there, as though gathering her thoughts, or perhaps remembering what she'd been about to say before Jake's outburst had derailed her momentum, "Jake-Sully, I would not pray over the question of Trudy-Chacon and forget about you," her voice was kind, soothing over Jake's panicked mind like a balm, "while we could of course also ask Eywa to change your human body in the same way we will ask for Trudy-Chacon, so you would be able to survive should your mobile unit fail, I do not believe that to be sufficient. You, unlike Trudy-Chacon, are a Dreamwalker. You have a body that is already fit to live among us, you have earned your place here in this body, it is as much you as your human form. The issue I see with you, Jake-Sully, is where your soul resides.
"You are bound spiritually to your human body, however, if we could connect your human form and your Dreamwalker form to Vitraya Ramunong, Eywa may be able to transfer your soul to this body," she gestured towards Jake, indicating his body, as though he had the brainpower to process visual input to even register the action in that moment, "permanently."
"Permanently," Jake echoed, raising his eyes to look into Mo'at's face, searching blindly for something to tell him he had heard her incorrectly.
"Yes," Mo'at gave him a knowing smile, "I believe you would be able to stay in your Dreamwalker form for the remainder of your life. If you would choose to do so."
The "yes" was out of Jake's mouth before the final syllable fell from Mo'at's lips. He didn't have to think about it, didn't even have to consider whether or not he was willing to give up his human form—that's not who he was, it never had been.
"Very well," Mo'at nodded, "it is decided then. We can discuss when both these events will take place later, for now, you are excused, you may leave us."
The four of them moved on muscle memory alone, offering whispered thanks and polite bows before passing through the hanging vines and out into the daylight.