Guys, I'm so sorry. I've rewritten this chapter at least four times before finally deciding on this version.
I'm still not 100% happy with it, but I didn't want any of you thinking I was abandoning the story. I hope you all like it, I hope it was worth the wait.
Tsu'tey fought to stay asleep—it wasn't something he had to do often, as he usually found himself clinging to every second he could spend in his dreams. They were a sanctuary, something safe and just for him and Jake.
Now, however, as bile rose in his throat and his chest twisted, he wished he could be anywhere other than there in Jake's childhood bedroom.
'No one believes you, you get that, right?' The words rang in his ears, even though he had not been their intended target, 'It's all you talk about, your stupid fairy world with that stupid T'sty guy.'
That isn't his name.
It's not his name.
Tommy should know his name. He'd heard it, heard it every day for years, and Tsu'tey felt something sick rise in his gut as he found himself stuck on that fact.
Tommy should have known his name, but he didn't. Jake had told his brother about Tsu'tey more in their twelve years of life than he had talked about anything else, yet he could not be bothered to remember his name.
Hurt was overtaken by anger, it filled him, boiling just beneath his skin, "how dare you," the words were spat from his lips like poison.
He made to continue, insults sitting at the edge of his throat, until, out of the corner of his eye, he saw Jake flinch.
It was subtle, it could have been mistaken for a hitch in the shoulder as he tried desperately to hide the fact that he was crying, but Tsu'tey knew better.
He could picture the flash of heat he'd sometimes felt, just below his ear, like Jake was standing just behind him, whenever other children would toe the line separating playful insults and cruelty.
The thought sent guilt like ice water through his veins. Jake did not need his anger, not then, while he did his best to hide himself away, trying to be as small as possible.
So Tsu'tey, the edges of his vision still blurred with anger, turned away from Tommy, who was staring at the off-white popcorn ceiling with a sour expression—as though it had been his morning that had been ruined—and focused his attention on Jake.
He managed to press down his own hurt as he whispered out words he knew Jake could not hear.
"My mother told me," Tsu'tey spoke softly, little more than a whisper, wishing he could brush away Jake's tears, while pretending there were none falling from his own eyes, "that you are not meant for this world... she said you are meant for mine... My world, where Eywa touches the ground and blesses its people with gifts... gifts like what you and I have."
He took a deep, shuddering breath, his chest burning with the effort, "one day... one day we will be together," the words felt right falling from his lips, a promise he felt in his bones, "and it will be you and me, forever."
He continued like that for a long while, painting promises across his skin, until Jake's shoulders uncurled themselves, just a bit—the ache in Tsu'tey's chest easing at the sight.
It wasn't enough though; it would never be enough. Jake would remain curled in on himself, chest and shoulders always a touch too tight. There were no words—unheard words, spoken softly again skin—that could pull Jake out of himself.
It wasn't until years later, galaxies away, when Jake stood so still, so very still, in front of the man he'd loved all his life—chest heaving, twigs and leaves tangled in long braids—that Jake could finally breathe.
Tsu'tey wasn't to know any of that, not yet. He would be forced to learn, much later, with the gift of hindsight and time, the damage that had been inflicted.
That morning, however, his blood boiled with the righteous rage of a child. He wanted to hurt Tommy, as his small feet hit the carpeted floor and he walked past his brother's bed pretending not to notice the hurt his words had caused, pretended not to care.
He wanted to wrap his arms around his friend, around the boy he hadn't quite realized he loved yet. He couldn't though, separated as they were by an endless expanse of space, so he was forced to watch as Jake buried his face into his pillow, already wet with tears.
He stayed with Jake until he couldn't stand it anymore, waiting at least until the other boy was padding his way down to the kitchen, scrubbing away tears and snot from his red, puffy face. Tsu'tey drew comfort knowing that Jake's mother would be there to greet him, with her kind eyes and soft brown hair, even if she didn't believe in Tsu'tey either—he knew she would be able to comfort him until Tsu'tey could stomach being there beside him.
Tsu'tey pulled himself from sleep like a man drowning.
It took him a moment to understand why he couldn't catch his breath, why it felt like he was dying, it took him a moment to realize he was sobbing.
It had barely registered in his mind, before the fibers of his hammock pulled back, revealing the sleep worn face of his mother, pulled tight with concern.
Without a word, Artsut climbed in beside him, pulling him towards her. She did not try to hush his crying, did not try and stop the endless flow of tears from his eyes as great shuddering breaths racked his small frame.
No, Artsut merely lay there, petting at his short braids, and waited for him to tell her of the great unfairness he had been made witness to that night.
-x-
Rage might not be the best word for what was burning inside Tsu'tey's chest as he stared across the bedroom at Tommy.
Over a decade separated the raw pain of that day. They had grown since then, Tommy had grown, Tommy had died, and they had found each other.
It wasn't fair, the hurt and anger that closed around Tsu'tey's throat. It wasn't fair to Tommy, to hold him to the actions of a child, but knowing that didn't stop the edges of Tsu'tey's vision from blurring.
Tommy was staring at them with wide eyes from his place at the small desk, and Tsu'tey wasn't sure the man had drawn a breath since they arrived moments ago. He continued staring, eyes unblinking behind wire rimmed glasses, as they situated themselves on Jake's old bed, sides squished together, legs overlapping at the ankles, having long foregone the politeness of personal space unless strictly necessary.
Tsu'tey chanced a quick glance over to Jake, reluctant to take his eyes off Tommy, and saw how the other man was schooling his expression into something soft, obviously waiting for Tommy to speak first.
It took another moment, and Tsu'tey was almost certain the man was close to passing out, before he finally took a gulp of air, his voice shaking, cracking as though he had forgotten how to speak, "Jake?"
Tsu'tey had to bite his tongue, swallowing any barbed comments he might have wanted to make about the man not recognizing his own brother.
Jake hummed, his smile just a touch tight around the edges, "hey, Tommy."
Another labored breath clawed its way into Tommy's lungs, his eyes impossibly wide, "what... what's happening? Why are you... I don't understand."
Tsu'tey felt Jake's fingers tighten around his own, a silent question to match the one forming in his own mind.
"Tommy," Jake started softly, feeling as he had that fateful day in Grace's office, like he was dealing with a frightened animal, "do you not know what's going on?"
"What... what's going on?" Tommy parroted, hand gripping the arm rest of his chair so tightly his knuckles whitened.
"Do you not know where you are?" Jake prodded; his mouth now down turned.
"Where I am?" Tommy repeated again, eyes growing a bit wild, "I thought... this is? The... the afterlife, right? Why... why are you here? Why are you..." the words died in his throat, but the question was clear from the way his eyes raked across Jake's body.
"I don't understand," Jake turned slightly towards Tsu'tey, his voice dropping to a mutter, "our... our mothers seemed to know what was happening, they were expecting us-"
"What the fuck is happening?" Tommy's voice had an edge of desperation now, verging on hysterical, "don't whisper about me like I'm not here! Jake, what is going on? Why are you here, in that body? In my avatar!"
"Tommy," Jake held out his hands, dwarfing his brother in comparison, "you need to calm down."
"Fuck you!" Tommy was shouting now, standing from his chair, "don't tell me to calm down! I've been sitting here for years, alone, and you come barging in here, acting like I'm the weird one, while you are wearing my fucking avatar! And who," he punctuated the words with a jab of his finger at Tsu'tey, "the fuck, is this?"
"I forgot," Tsu'tey said, his tone teetering on boredom, "how appalling you can be when you don't understand something."
Tsu'tey, of course, had not forgotten that charming bit of Tommy's personality, but the insult had the desired effect, hitting Tommy in the chest like a physical blow.
It left the human sputtering, but Tsu'tey continued before he could work out a reply, ignoring the warning hand Jake placed on his arm, "I, if you must know, am Tsu'tey te Rongloa Ateyitan. To address your other, rude, question—this body belongs to Jake. It is not yours. You are long dead, Thomas-Sully, and therefore have no claim to anything."
The gratification Tsu'tey felt as Tommy fell blindly back onto his childhood bed, looking for all the world like the air had just been punch from his lungs, was lessened somewhat by the sigh that fell from Jake's lips, sounding profoundly tired, if not a bit resigned.
Tsu'tey squeezed his hand in a brief apology, a gesture Jake returned, and he hoped Jake would continue to forgive him for whatever else he would be incapable of restraining himself from saying over the course of the night.
"Tsu'tey te Rongloa Ateyitan..." Tommy breathed out once air had returned to his lungs and color to his face, "you're... you're the Omaticaya tribe's next Olo'eyktan."
"That is a title I hold claim to, yes," Tsu'tey shrugged, like it was nothing, "I prefer to be known as the bondmate of Jake-Sully. Which makes me, I do believe," he paused to flash Tommy a sour smile, lips pulled back, teeth sharp and glistening in the light, "that makes me your brother-in-law, however unpleasant that is for me to consider."
"Tsu'tey, you're going to kill him," Jake huffed out a breath, as Tommy looked close to passing out.
"The last time..." Tommy's voice shook, his eyes not quite focused, "the last time I checked up on you, Jake, you were... you'd been shot, you were paralyzed."
"After you died," Jake cut in before Tsu'tey had the chance to open his mouth, the words laced with sorrow, "I was asked to take your place in the avatar program."
"You..." Tommy's eyes glazed over as he processed the information, "how long? How long ago?"
"It's been six years," Jake said softly
"Six years..." the words fell from his lips, his eyes narrowing in thought. When he spoke again, his mouth had set into a hard line, "it takes six years just to get to Pandora."
Jake nodded, but said nothing as Tommy stared at a spot on the floor, as though it held the answers he needed, or maybe the questions he wanted.
"That doesn't make any sense," Tommy spoke, quiet enough that it might have just been to himself, "the Omaticaya forbade avatars from entering their territory, yet you... you can't have been there long enough to convince them otherwise... you're not even a scientist, you didn't know anything about the project or Pandora besides what I told you, yet you... you... he called you his bondmate," his eyes flickered over to Tsu'tey, but only for a second, too intimidated to look at him for more than a moment, "that doesn't make any sense."
There's a pause as they wait to make sure Tommy is done, a beat of peace before a chuckle breaks from Tsu'tey's lips, it's a cruel sound, edged sharp enough to cut.
"Of course, he doesn't remember," he said, gesturing to Tommy with another humorless laugh.
"Tsu'tey-" Jake warned, but there was no weight behind it, either because he knew it wouldn't do any good, or because a part of him wanted to let Tsu'tey say what his love for the man before them would never allow him to say himself.
"Of course, you do not remember," Tsu'tey said again, his voice now deadly calm, "you could not even be bothered to remember my name, when it was told to you a thousand times—you did not bother to remember it until it was part of your research, your work, because that is all you have ever been good at."
"What are you talking about?" Tommy's voice was little more than a whisper, a desperate gasp of breath, "how would I have known you before that?"
"You really don't remember?" Jake asked, disappointment blooming heavy in his chest, a part of him always hoping Tommy had remembered some part of the life he had tried to share with him, "you don't remember the stories I used to tell you?"
Tommy's face spasmed at the question, confusion pulling at the corners of his mouth, "I remember you telling stories when we were kids, sure," the shrug he gave spoke to the heaviness of his shoulders, a tired bewilderment that seemed to be pulling at his bones, "you grew out of it, I guess, what does that have to do with anything?"
"They weren't just stories, Tommy, and" anger flared in his chest, "I didn't grow out of them."
"Jake and I are what my people call tì'i'avay krrä yawntu," Tsu'tey, taking a measure of mercy towards the bewildered man, began the explanation, having it all but memorized by now, "it is a bond forged by Eywa between two people perfectly suited for each other. The ones blessed with this bond are granted visions of the other during sleep. I have dreamt of Jake every day since birth, just as he has dreamt of me.
"Jake used to tell you about his dreams of me, he told you, after everyone else stopped listening."
Slowly, like a flower blooming or flesh decaying, realization spread across Tommy's features, his eyes focusing in on Jake, who was staring anywhere but the direction of his brother.
"In our twelfth year of life, you sat where you are now," Tsu'tey gestured to Tommy with a flick of his wrist, "and told Jake that I did not exist and that you would hear of me no longer."
"I-I'm sorry, I didn't know" Tommy said it quiet, like a prayer.
Tsu'tey shook his head, "it is not me you owe an apology to. You misunderstand, I do not hold judgement for you in my heart because you insulted me, I care only for the pain you inflicted on the brother you should have listened to."
Tsu'tey took a breath, words sat on his lips, words he had wanted to say for so many years.
"I need you, Thomas-Sully, to understand something. You see, I am him as much as he is me. Everything about him, from the time we could first form thoughts to now," Tsu'tey tapped at his temple with a long finger, "it is right here, sat beside my memories as though they were my own. We shared the pain and joy and nothingness of life, every day. He was happy, I was happy. He hurt, I hurt.
"You can perhaps understand, then, that my feelings now, sitting here, staring at you, are complicated.
"You are Jake's brother, I watched you grow as I watched him grow, and I grew to love you as a brother. But you... what you did... what you took from him-"
Jake's hand rose to touch at Tsu'tey's arm, Tommy's eyes tracking it as it pressed against the flesh, but, if it was a plea for Tsu'tey to stop, it was a request he was incapable of fulfilling.
"I had never known hurt as I knew hurt then. I had never known that rage, I had never known hate. But you, Thomas-Sully... I hated you that day, as I sat beside Jake and watched as he shrunk into himself, unable to comfort him.
"We have grown, and I have known hurt and rage and hate far worse since then. None of that, however, erases the damage you did. You are a dead man, sitting in front of me, and I desperately want to forgive you... but I cannot."
"I was a child," Tommy said, his voice choked and small and weak.
Tsu'tey nodded slowly, before lifting the hand that had been resting against his knee, turning it, and staring at his palm, "Jake and I had matching scars," he unlaced their fingers so he could turn Jake's hand to mirror his, "it is not there now, of course," he said, stroking the meat of Jake's palm with his thumb, "but it is on his original body, the body buried in the dirt near our Hometree.
"I fell off my pa'li, you see, when I was first learning how to ride," he raised his hand, showing Tommy a patch of scar tissue spread along the edge, just under his thumb, "a few days later, Jake fell off his bicycle, and ended up with nearly the same exact wound. It was a simple thing, in the grand scheme of it all, a bad day, a misstep. The wounds healed, of course, as all wounds do. The scars though, just a few inches of flesh that twisted a bit in the recovery, they stayed."
Tsu'tey paused to lift Jake's hand to his mouth, lips grazing where the scar used to sit, "we were children then too."
"I still don't…" Tommy spoke again, sounding miles away, "I still don't think I understand," his face twisted at the admission, "Jake, you… you used to have dreams about Pandora, about him?" he gestured towards Tsu'tey, "and you used to tell me about them?"
"That's the brunt of it," Jake shrugged, "yeah. I used to tell you about him all the time," Jake stared down at his hand, fingers laced with Tsu'tey's, "you were the last person who would listen. And then you stopped, I guess that's why it hurt so badly."
"Okay," Tommy's head nodded, something sharp forming behind his eyes, "so you're, what? Mad at me because I hurt your feelings when we were twelve? You've held onto it for that long, Jake? Held onto it so hard that you've gotten your… your space husband to sit there and insult me?"
"Again, you misunderstand," Tsu'tey snapped before Jake could reply, "you have made many mistakes in your life, spanning from childhood to adulthood, a series of poor choices stemming from your horrid, weak personality. Would you like me to lay your sins out for you? I can say them slowly so you might understand."
"What the fuck is your problem?" Tommy's voice rose as angry blotches of red burst across his face, "stop talking like you know me!"
"What part of this are you not grasping?" Tsu'tey's brow rose, like it was a genuine question, "I know you, Thomas-Sully. I know you as well as Jake knows you. You, you weak, nothing of a man—always so boring and sad—were jealous and afraid of your brother, who could do so many things you could not. Your brother who could ride a horse better than you could ride your bicycle, could move without making a sound, who could climb and run faster than you could dream, who was braver and stronger and better than you. Your brother who learned to live and thrive without any other human by his side, as opposed to you, who would shrivel up and wither away without the approval of everyone else in the room.
"You, Thomas-Sully, are the man who abandoned your brother when your mother died, when your father left. You shipped yourself off as far away as you could get, telling yourself that Jake did not need you there. And you were right, he did not need you, because you had ensured that he could not rely on you for anything, long before then."
"What do you want me to say?" Tommy spat back, "You want me to say I was a shit brother? Sure, yeah, okay, I was, I know that!" he was breathing hard, his eyes sharp and wild, "I'm sorry, alright? I'm sorry I didn't believe you, I'm sorry I stopped listening… I'm… I don't remember it, Jake, we were fucking kids, how was I supposed to know?" His chest was heaving at the words, his eyes darting from Jake to Tsu'tey to their clasped hands, "I know I fucked up, I know that now, but… fuck, Jake, were you even sad when I died?"
The words seemed to steal the air from their lungs, but Tommy didn't notice, his eyes now focused solely on their hands, "Did you grieve for me at all? Or did you just take it as an opportunity to fulfill this… destiny of yours?"
"Of course, I grieved, you asshole," Jake said, tone stuck somewhere between anger and desperation.
"You just seem," Tommy's mouth twisted, "you seem so much better, even now, when you're pissed off or whatever this is, you seem calm. You were never calm before, like you were chasing after something, trying to make yourself happy."
"That has little to do with you. You are not always the center of everything," Tsu'tey cut in, though Tommy flinched at the words, there was no venom behind them, "my Jake never belonged on your planet, he was always meant to come to me, though it is unfortunate that your death was what presented him the opportunity to do so," Tsu'tey huffed out a breath, as though reluctant to admit what he was about to say, "contrary to what you may believe, I too grieved for you. I did not rejoice in your passing."
Tommy nodded at that, though maybe not quite believing him, "You're doing good then?" his eyes once again focused in on their clasped hands, his mouth upturning slightly, like he realized it was a silly thing to ask, "on pandora?"
Jake nodded, as he took in the sight of his brother, who he had not seen in so long, even before his death. He looked tired, profoundly so, and Jake couldn't help the warm affection in his chest, even if it was still tinted with bitterness.
"Tommy," Jake said, his voice soft, "would you like to hear about Pandora?"
Tommy raised his eyes to meet Jake's, light bursting behind them, "tell me all about it."
If anyone ever wants to chat, you can find me on tumblr at accept-n-destroy and discord at bi-furrious97#5061