A/N: I hope you're all still enjoying this story - thanks so much to everyone who keeps reading week after week! It means the world to us as writers to see a story we pour so much time and effort into being read by so many people!
Another chapter, another thank you to accio-broom for your thoughts and revisions!
We left off with Ron in a rather rocky mindset - can he turn things around? And how did their relationship deteriorate so much in the first place? Read on
September 16, 2012, 8:15am
The last two hours had been excruciatingly painful. My mind wouldn't stop considering all of the horrible possibilities that might play out when she finally woke up. Throbbing pain had returned to my temples, squeezing my head like a stretched rubber band. I knew I was going to feel miserable all morning, but fortunately, I had the whole day to mope around the house if needed. Even though I hadn't fallen back asleep, my eyelids had been drooping for the last hour or so when she finally stirred in my arms.
At first, she shifted against my side, dragging her leg further up my thigh and throwing the covers off of herself. A few minutes later, her nose twitched, tickled by some of her own hair. When she reached up to scratch her face, her eyes popped open and she stared up at me.
"Morning," I whispered, offering her a small grin.
"Hey, good morning," she replied, rubbing her eyes and stifling a yawn. "Did you sleep okay?"
"Yeah, fine…you?"
"Really well. Thanks again for not making me walk home. I was more tired than I thought."
I was pleasantly surprised that neither her expression nor tone showed any sign of awkwardness about what had happened overnight. But even though she was still comfortable with me, I knew that it had to come up eventually. No matter how calm she was acting, I was guessing that she hadn't forgotten that we had nearly kissed.
"You don't have to get up," I told her, giving her arm a pat. "It's Sunday, after all. There's not much going on."
"Ugh, believe me, part of me wants to never get out of this bed. But I have to go shopping and get a bunch of laundry done before the week starts, so I shouldn't be too lazy."
"Sure, no worries. In that case, there's coffee on the nightstand."
A chill swept over me as she turned and slid back to the other side of the bed before picking up the still-steaming mug. "I'm sorry, how did coffee get here?" she asked, looking back at me with one eyebrow raised.
"I made it a little while ago. You didn't even seem to notice I was gone."
Her lips pursed and her eyes glazed as she faced forward. "Thought you said you slept well…"
"Well enough, I suppose. Sometimes I just wake up early."
"Hmm."
We were edging dangerously close to the conversation I was hoping to avoid. Maybe it would be better to just get it over with, but I wasn't going to bring it up if she didn't. However, it was only a few moments later that she broke the silence and got the ball rolling.
"So, I really want to thank you again…you know, for what we talked about overnight," she said before taking another swig of coffee.
"Oh, you don't have to thank me. I told you, I'm happy to help you figure out what's next. You deserve to be doing something you love."
"And I want to get to that point, but I just have no idea where to start."
"It can be daunting, but don't forget that you have a degree and you have skills. It's just a matter of putting them to work."
"Right…"
"Don't be nervous. I believe in you one hundred percent. Always have."
She chuckled under her breath and nodded to herself. "I know you have."
"Although, I suppose that means…well, are you going to be leaving Cisco soon?"
"I guess I should, huh?" Hermione said, setting down her mug and shrugging against her stack of pillows. "There's nowhere for me to go there. I don't have those kinds of skills."
"Yeah, not really your area, is it?"
"No, environmental science policy majors don't have a home at a computer networking company."
"With the amount of energy we use, I suspect we create more environmental problems than we solve," I replied with a snicker.
"Exactly. But, well, I just want you to know…I'll really miss seeing you every day."
I had always thought that people were lying when they talked about their hearts stopping when something unexpectedly amazing happened. But my heart really did stop, or it skipped a beat at least. Taking a deep breath, I turned to face her, meeting her gaze instantly. "It's not like we won't see each other anymore. We still live in the same neighborhood, right? We can still hang out sometimes?"
"I guess, but it won't be the same."
"Yeah, I know," I answered. Her eyes were practically boring a hole into my skull, and any rational train of thought in my head derailed entirely. Just considering going to that drab, boring office day after day without her caused a burning sensation to build in my chest. Working with her, however indirectly, had become the best part of the job. I knew she had to leave, but the selfish side of me realized how crappy my life would be once she did. Thoughts like that emboldened me to action.
A stray curl dangling in front of her eye was tantalizing me. Despite my brain pleading with me like it had overnight, begging me to stay still and keep to myself, I reached up and tucked it gently behind her ear. The grin that spread across her face melted me on the spot, and I returned it as I set my hand back down on the bed. It was immediately covered by her palm, although her eyes never left me. "I'll really miss you, too," I whispered.
In my peripheral vision, I saw her legs inch closer to me, her side now pressed against mine. The same warning bells that had gone off last night were ringing in my ears again, but I tuned them out, devoting all of my focus to her.
Maybe this really is what she wants.
As my eyelids slid shut, I savored the feeling of her warm lips against my cheek for the second time in the last eight hours. Unlike last time, she wasted no time getting closer to me, swinging her leg over me and straddling my lap, pinning my back to the headboard. The kisses she placed around my face were soft, barely there at times. She inched down my neck before climbing my chin and landing on my lips. If my conscience was still screaming at me, I hadn't the faintest idea. I opened my mouth and allowed her in, giving up any hint of resistance.
Yup, this is what she wants.
Her tongue explored my mouth, twisting in harmony with mine as we catapulted ourselves into the emotional unknown. Time stopped, sound faded, and I was left with nothing but the sensation of her body against mine. I buried my fingers in her hair as she cradled my face, both of us pulling the other closer in an attempt to deepen the kiss. As she tilted her head and slid her hands into my messy bedhead, she started slowly grinding her hips against my groin, immediately causing the desired effect. The last thing I wanted was to stop, but I also knew I couldn't take much more of that.
With one quick movement, I flipped her over and dropped her onto the mattress before collapsing on top of her and catching her lips again. Her legs wrapped around my waist, heels digging into my lower back. I could hear the needy moans coming from her throat as much as I could feel them echoing into my mouth. Clawing her nails into my skin through my shirt, she dragged them down my chest and stomach and grabbed my hips before reaching for the hem of her shirt and pulling upwards.
At that point, all of the alarm bells started blaring again. Sensing myself snapping out of a trance, I pulled back and looked down at her. The mischievous look in her eyes told me that she had no intention of stopping, and despite my entire body screaming at me to follow along, I once again couldn't do it.
"Wait. Wait, Frizz. Stop."
"What? Stop what?" she breathed, still writhing underneath me.
"Stop…this. It isn't fair."
"Damn right it isn't fair! You're going to leave me with…whatever the girl version of blue balls is?"
"No, I mean it's not fair to you to be doing this. You can't possibly tell me you're in the right…mindset for this. I don't…I just don't want you to regret it. I really don't want that."
She grabbed at my back, trying to pull me back down on top of her. "I won't, I promise, now come back here."
"No, I won't," I replied firmly, leaning back and moving to the far side of the bed. "I won't put you in that position. I won't put us in that position."
Her hands flew up and covered her face as she let out a loud groan. "Ugh, God Ron, fuck! It's my life! Why do you always do this? Why do you always think you know what's best for me?"
February 1, 2006, 3:45pm
"Ron! Hey, Ron!" Hermione's unmistakable voice echoed throughout the Shakespeare Garden as Ron was leaving his class in the Ford building. He spied her coming towards him, her newly straight and sleek hair shining in the fading afternoon sunlight. It was strange not to see her bushy curls flying everywhere, but she looked as gorgeous as ever. She was wearing her puffy North Face jacket and Uggs, and three of her newer friends in identical attire flanked her on either side. Despite searching his memory, he couldn't remember their names even though he knew that he'd been introduced to them at a particularly loud party the previous school year. As he got closer to her, the look on her face told him that seemed excited. No matter how hard he tried, though, he just couldn't match her enthusiasm.
Over the last two years, the two of them had only grown farther apart. Ron and Harry had continued living together in an apartment just off campus throughout their junior and senior years, and Hermione still lived further south, closer to the social hub of campus. While they still met up from time to time for dinner, studying, or the odd drink at the Cracked Kettle, those instances were becoming fewer and further between, and Ron was starting to feel that he barely knew her anymore. He had no idea what classes she was taking or what she liked to do for fun. Their gradual separation had led to many sleepless nights over the last several years because he knew that he still wasn't over her. Unfortunately for him, any relationship of that kind had become nothing more than a pipedream.
It didn't help that Harry and Ginny were still going strong despite three hundred miles of distance between them. If Ron had to listen to one more lovey-dovey phone call from the room next door, he thought he might just move out. Didn't Harry know how rude it was to pull that crap when his best friend was constantly pining for his unrequited love? To make matters worse, Ron and Harry were planning to continue living together for at least the next year as they were both staying at Northwestern for graduate school. Which reminded him, he had no idea what Hermione was doing after graduation.
"Hey guys, hang on a minute," she said, jogging up to Ron while her friends waited next to a large oak tree.
"Hey Frizz, what are you doing here?" Ron asked, zipping up his coat and pulling on his mittens.
"Just studying with some friends of mine. You just finished class?"
"Yup, and I'm starving. You busy? Want to grab a bite?"
"I'm not that hungry, and we're all headed into the city in a little bit…but I wanted to talk to you, I have big news!"
Ron was only slightly confused when his stomach dropped in anticipation. Big news for her rarely meant good news for him lately. His mind was spinning with possibilities ranging from her getting engaged to someone he'd never met to her moving back to France just for a laugh. "Cool, tell me."
"Okay, so," she started, practically bouncing up and down with glee, "I was at Woodfield mall last weekend with a friend of mine just minding my own business, shopping for new sweaters, picking up a birthday gift for my mom. Anyway, three or four people in suits came up to us and told us they were working for ABC studios in California and asked me specifically if I'd ever thought about acting."
"I'm sorry, what?"
"That's what I said! At first, we assumed they were just messing with us, or that they were recruiting for porn or something creepy."
"Good for you for being cautious," he said after hesitating, swallowing against a growing lump in his throat.
"They kept talking, though, and they told me they were scouting talent for a new show they were planning to pilot next fall. Apparently, they liked my look and how expressive I was and thought it would translate well to being on screen."
"I'm…what?" he asked, eyebrows knitting together in bewilderment.
"I know! So anyway, I told them about the acting class I had taken last year to fulfill a requirement-"
"Wait, you actually took an acting class? I had no idea," he interrupted, genuinely confused and kicking himself for once again proving to be thoroughly out of the loop when it came to her life.
"Yeah, I told you about that, right? At least I think I did. Anyway, like I was saying, I told them I had taken the class last year and they got super excited. We got to talking, they gave me their card, and long story short, I'm flying out to L.A. in a couple of weeks to formally audition! Although they already pretty much told me that the part is mine if I want it!"
Ron was stunned. Nothing like that would've even crossed his mind. Hermione had never given any indication that she would be interested in that lifestyle. She was on track to graduate, and he knew she'd already started applying to graduate school. Where was this coming from? And what would it mean for their friendship?
"Umm, wow, well…umm, congratulations then, that's-that's really huge."
"Right?! Who would've ever thought? You hear about people being, like, discovered at the mall or whatever, but I never thought it was a real thing! And I certainly never thought it would happen to me!"
"Yeah, that's crazy. Umm…so, what's the show?"
"It's a new medical drama called Mass General. It's supposed to take place in Boston but of course everything films in L.A. I've been reading all about what life is like on a set and what's going to be expected of me. I've also been looking at a ton more resources about acting. There's so much to it, and I'm going to try to learn as much as I can before I head west."
"That's really cool, and I'm excited for you, I am, but what about school?"
"What do you mean?" she asked, her smile fading, replaced with a disappointed frown. "I can still do both. I'm still going to graduate."
"Right, but after that. Last we talked, you were thinking about grad schools. Is that just off the table?"
"Not forever, of course. I still want to go to grad school, and I will, I absolutely will. But, well, I'm not going to be twenty-two years old forever."
"I get that, but you just seemed so excited about continuing your studies…learning how to save the planet, you'd always said."
With a huff, Hermione stared at him, her hand on her hip. "What the hell, Ron?"
"I'm sorry?"
"I was so excited to tell you my news, and you're just going to stand there and chastise me about what it means for my education? I can do that anytime!"
"I'm not trying to chastise, but you have to admit, this came out of nowhere! You took one undergraduate acting class and now you're going to be on a major network? It sounds a little far-fetched."
"So you don't think I can do it?" she shot back, glaring at him through narrowed eyes.
Fuck, I should've been more thoughtful. This is absolutely insane, of course, but I should've been more excited for her. Why do I always do that? Why can't I just leave my own opinions out of it?
"Frizz, I never said that! You said how surprising it was!"
"Yeah, but surprising in a good way! You're leeching all the joy out of it!"
The setting sun shone in his eyes, forcing him to squint back at her. Everyone walking past glanced at them in disgust, and Ron cringed as some of his friends from engineering chuckled when they realized that he was losing a very public argument. He wished they could continue their conversation somewhere private, but Hermione seemed dead set on having it out right in the middle of campus. Taking a deep breath before he continued, he tried to keep his thoughts in order and do what he could to defuse the situation.
"I apologize. I'm happy for you, you know I am. I'm also just a little worried. How much do you know about these people?"
"Plenty. I've spoken with them on the phone several times since we met. This is real. I can show you the promotional materials if you want."
"No, I believe you. Have you told your parents?"
"Yes," she replied, looking away and biting her lip as a scowl came over her face.
"And?"
"And they reacted just like you!"
"I see. Sorry, Frizz. I get it, but still, I'm sorry."
"Thanks," she said, her face relaxing as her tone softened. "I'm sorry, Ron, I know this is a shock. And I never would've thought about anything like this before, but now that I know it's a possibility…I don't know, I really want it to work out!"
"I just thought…I thought we'd all end up in grad school together. It'll be weird without you around."
Ron's mind fast-forwarded to a projection of what it would be like the day she left for California. Even the thought of having to say goodbye to her like that had tears threatening his eyes.
Just say it. Say how much you'll miss her.
"I know," she groaned. "But it's not like I'm becoming a hermit in the rainforest or something. And who knows how long it'll take? Maybe I'll be back soon."
"Yeah, maybe. And then school again? Maybe even back here in Chicago?"
"I don't know, we'll see. C'mon Ron, it's not like we have to be in the same place at all times. Phones exist, you know," she replied, irritation creeping back into her voice.
"I know. I just can't imagine my life without you in it. I'd miss you too much."
Her bag dropped to the ground with a thud and she ran her hands roughly over her face. After shoving them back in her pockets, she stood up straight and glared back at him with a clenched half-smile. Defensive barriers constructed themselves around him as he observed the change in her demeanor. This won't be good.
"Okay, Ron," she said, pity extruding from her eyes. "Look, we're friends. We've been friends for a long time and we're always going to be friends. But that doesn't mean that we have to be…tethered to each other. Of course I'll miss you if I end up out west, but people's lives tend to diverge a bit after college, and that's fine. We'll always be friends, though, no matter the distance."
February is always cold in Chicago, but nothing made Ron more frigid than the words she had uttered. As much as he tried to remain cool and collected on the outside, on the inside he was devastated. Years of friendship and, if he was being honest with himself, love were crumbling before him, and all because he came on too fucking strong. He had gone from being a potential boyfriend to a trusted confidant to nothing more than one of a collection of people she'd vaguely miss when she eventually left town.
"I mean, that's not at all what I meant. I'm just worried that you're, you know, losing sight of your dreams."
After maintaining eye contact for several moments, she turned and started to walk back towards her friends. Ron hurried to keep up with her, and as soon as he caught her, he could see her eyes misting over.
"I thought you'd be more supportive," she said.
"I'm trying, but-"
"No you're not!" she yelled, spinning back to face him, tears streaming down her face. "You're one of my best friends, Ron! I thought that, of all of the people I know, you would be happy for me. Would be excited for me. But all I get is skepticism and doubt? I mean, what the fuck?!"
"I know, but you've never talked about anything like this before. And now you're just moving across the country because a couple of people said they're going to put you on TV? It's just so unlike you."
"What do you want me to do? They don't film stuff in Evanston, they film stuff in L.A."
"Right, but why you? You had plans! You're so smart, Frizz, and-"
"Oh, so because I've done well in school I can't waste that on acting? Is that what you're saying? I'd be robbing the world of my precious intellect?"
"No, I mean-"
"What, Ron? Why do you have such a problem with this? What the fuck are you trying to say here?"
The cold air stung his throat as he inhaled the cold winter air. He knew that it might cost him even more of their floundering relationship, but he had to say his piece. She likely wasn't going to hear it from any of her friends, who were all probably super excited to know someone that might soon be famous. But he knew her better than that and knew what she had been working towards her whole life. Someone should tell her the truth, and it might as well be him.
"I'm saying that I think this is a bad idea," he said, grabbing her arm and stopping her in the middle of the frozen garden. "I'm saying that you've had goals your whole life that you've been working towards and, as your friend, I'd hate to see you toss all that to the side when you're so close to finishing. You're so close, Frizz. You'll be in a position to influence policy and actually make the world a better place. I've always admired that so much about you. And now I feel like I have to tell you that…I think you're making a mistake by leaving all of that behind just to go and try acting on a whim."
"It's not a whim!"
"It is a whim! What else do you call it when someone changes their whole life plan for one unreliable offer?" he yelled, suddenly not caring who else was listening or how big a scene they were causing. Whatever, the gloves are coming off.
"I call it taking a chance on myself, and I'd hoped you'd be happy for me for having the self confidence to do so!"
"But this isn't you! You're too smart to do something like this! This is…it's them," he spat, nodding in the direction of her friends. The three girls simultaneously narrowed their eyes and stalked forward toward them, eager to protect their friend.
"Excuse me, but I made this decision by myself!"
"Bullshit! This reeks of these new friends of yours."
"Who I decide to be friends with is none of your business!" she cried as the three girls lined up behind her, still glowering at Ron.
"You never used to be friends with people like this! We used to make fun of people like this!"
"Well, then maybe we were the assholes."
An overwhelming sense of sadness passed over him, and he suddenly felt fatigued and weak. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't straighten out his stooped posture. He wanted to be able to support her decisions, of course, but he couldn't stand by and watch her throw her life away on such a risky gamble. It wasn't going to be pretty, but it was a battle worth fighting. With a deep breath, he launched into his final hail-mary plea.
"Maybe so. But you used to be one of the most focused and driven people I knew. And I loved that about you. When we came to college, you were doing everything you always wanted to do, putting yourself in the best position possible to affect change at the highest level once you graduated. I just knew you were going to save the world. But over the years, it's all faded away. You stopped caring about your oldest friends, lost interest in your passion, changed your whole look, and started fresh. In retrospect, I guess I saw it coming more than I had thought, but I was always too scared of losing you to say something. Well, I'm not scared anymore. I'm worried. Not because you're, whatever you said, robbing the world of your intellect or whatever, but because I've lost my friend. My best friend. What the hell happened to you?"
The low din of conversation continued through the campus, but there was nothing but silence between them. Ron knew that it would've bothered him for years if he hadn't said anything, and he was glad to finally get that weight off his chest, but he couldn't help but feel that he'd been awfully harsh. For her part, Hermione's face had shifted from sadness to anger to pure bitterness and disdain. The only time he'd ever seen her look at him like that before was right after he and Lavender had broken up and she had been caught in the middle. It was an awful feeling, but despite the look of revulsion she was sending his way, he still didn't regret sharing his opinion with her. She needed to hear it.
"You know what I think, Ron? Huh?" she said with a quiet fury, her face screwed up with anger as she stepped right in front of him and stood on her tiptoes until they were almost nose to nose. "I think you should mind your own fucking business. I think you should keep your opinions about my choices to your goddamn self. And most of all? I think you should get out of my life. If you can't support me, then why should I even want you as a friend?"
Every word buried the dagger deeper into his heart, but he still didn't back down. "C'mon, Frizz, don't say that."
"Oh, and I never want to hear you call me Frizz again. Ever. Which should work out fine, because we're done."
Before he could say another word, she turned on her heel and sped off across campus, her friends ridiculing Ron along the way. At first he followed her, hoping he could explain a bit more, but her piercing sobs reverberated throughout the grounds, and he broke off his pursuit. As he stood in the middle of the crowded campus, he knew that he was more alone than he ever had been before.
June 3, 2006, 3:10pm
Nearly four months had passed since Ron and Hermione's big blowout, and while she had backed off on her threat to excise him from her life entirely, all of their meetings since the fight had been in the presence of others. Ginny had finished her junior year a month prior and was staying with Harry and Ron in their small apartment off campus. Mrs. Weasley had nearly popped an aneurysm when Ginny had told her mother about her plans, but the matriarch of the Weasley family had always had a soft spot for Harry and knew that the two of them were serious. Besides, everyone, Mrs. Weasley included, was smart enough to know that the small matter of parental consent wasn't going to stop Ginny from doing what she wanted to do. Hermione had been spending a lot of time with Ginny over the past few weeks as classes and exams wound down, finally enjoying having her best girlfriend from high school in the same city.
Any time the two of them were in Harry and Ron's apartment, they would discuss all of the exciting possibilities that would soon be afforded to Hermione when she moved to Los Angeles. These conversations, though, had a way of ceasing abruptly as soon as Ron would come home from class. The topic hadn't been broached again between Ron and Hermione, an uncomfortable unspoken agreement seemingly in place not to discuss it any further.
That afternoon, Ron was hurrying back to his apartment from a study group for his last exam of college, desperate to make it in time for Hermione's going away party. He was very much looking forward to it as it was supposed to be just the four of them for the final time. Studying had run a bit longer than he had expected, but he knew that she didn't need to leave for the airport for another two hours or so. He sprinted the last several blocks, panting as he threw open the apartment door.
"Hey, sorry I'm late!" he called out to no one in particular.
His heart sank into his chest as he saw Harry and Ginny walking toward him, deep anxious creases across both of their foreheads.
"Hey, Ron," Harry said. "Umm, why don't you sit down."
Glancing around the apartment, Ron was dismayed to find it much quieter than he expected. Where was the jovial reminiscing? The last-minute hugs? And where was Hermione?
"What's going on?" Ron asked as he settled into an armchair.
Harry sent a gentle nod toward Ginny as the two of them sat on the couch right across from him. "Okay, Ron, promise you won't get upset, but…Hermione already left," Ginny said, dropping her eyes to the floor as she finished her sentence.
"I'm sorry, she what?"
"The production company said they could get her an earlier flight and…well, she just really wanted to get in and get settled. Her plane left O'Hare an hour ago."
So that was it. After over a decade of friendship, she was gone. And not with a bang or a huge celebration, but with a decidedly muted whimper. Ron didn't know which hurt more; knowing that it could be months or even years before he saw her again or knowing that he didn't even warrant a goodbye. Sure, they'd been on the outs lately, but still. He'd never been so wounded.
"I see. Okay," Ron choked out, trying to hold in his emotions in front of his sister.
"She said she was really sorry. She wanted to try to wait."
"But she still found time to meet up with the two of you?"
Harry's eyes flicked over to his girlfriend as they exchanged guilty looks. "Well, I was just studying at home today, and Ginny wasn't doing anything, so having lunch instead of an early dinner worked okay for us. It was really last minute. We tried to call you, but-"
"Nobody gets reception at the library, I know," Ron said, finishing his friend's sentence. "It's okay, it's not your fault."
"I'm sorry, Ron," said Ginny. "We should've…I don't know, tried to find you or something. I feel bad."
"Don't. It's no big deal," Ron replied, willing his eyes to remain dry at least until he could get to his room. He stood to go, scratching the back of his neck as he slipped past the others. "Well, I guess I'll just get a bit more studying in."
Out of the corner of his eye, Ron spied Ginny elbowing Harry in the ribs, prompting a widening of his roommate's eyes as he shuffled to his feet.
"That's right! Ron, hang on….here," Harry said, handing Ron a small envelope that he'd pulled out of his shirt pocket. "It's from…umm, she wanted you to have it. She left it with us at lunch. Said you should read it later."
Ron's heart stuttered when he flipped the envelope over and saw her characteristic immaculate handwriting spelling out his name. "Oh. Thanks. Later, huh?"
"We won't tell if you don't," Harry replied, reading his friend's mind. "I wouldn't be able to wait either."
Sighing and strolling towards his door, Ron nodded. "Thanks. See you later."
As soon as he closed his bedroom door, he sat down on the bed and carefully opened the envelope, his heart racing in his chest. The note was written in pink gel pen on her understated gold embossed stationery. It even smelled like her rosemary and citrus scent, which only deepened the pain that Ron was feeling at missing her before she left. His eyes welled up as he started to read.
Dear Ron,
You must hate me right now. I'm so sorry for leaving like this. Part of me thinks it's for the best since I'm honestly not sure how I could ever say goodbye to you without losing it completely, but I'm sorry that I took that away from you. Guess I'm more cowardly than I thought.
Before I left, I wanted to make sure you knew how sorry I am about the state of our relationship over the past several months. It hurt me so much at the time not to have your full support, but I understand now that you were just looking out for me like you always have, and I'll never stop appreciating you for that. Maybe I am crazy, maybe this will prove to be a colossal mistake. But it's something I have to do right now. I hope you can understand.
I'd love it if you came to visit me out west. I'm sure I'll need a real friend from time to time. That said, I'll understand if you don't want to. Either way, I hope you can find a way to root for me, and maybe you could even watch the show this fall. You're one of the only people I trust to tell me whether I suck or not :)
Good luck in graduate school, not that you'll need it. I know that you and Harry are going to do well and move on to bigger and better things. You're too smart not to.
Anyway, O'Hare can be a nightmare, so I should get going. I need you to understand that, no matter how far apart we've drifted over the past several years and no matter how much we fight, you're always going to be one of my best friends. I'm going to miss you so much. Knowing that you're around makes me feel safe and happy, and my life feels weirdly incomplete without you. So please call, text, email…whatever. Just keep in touch. And visit. Dinner on me wherever you want any time you come.
Okay, for real this time, I should go. Goodbye, Ron, and all the best in the future. You deserve nothing less.
Love,
Frizz
By the time he finished reading, he was sobbing uncontrollably, fat tears dripping on his lap. He started to reread the letter, wanting to make sure he caught it all, but it was too painful. Setting it down on his nightstand, he lay down on his belly and buried his face in his pillow, doing his best to mute the sobs.
September 16, 2012, 8:25am
"It's not like that, Frizz, it's not that I-"
"Not that you what, Ron?" she said, brushing her hair out of her face as she sat up and pulled her knees to her chest. "I thought we both wanted this."
I took a deep breath, sitting cross-legged at the foot of the bed and trying to collect my thoughts and choose my words carefully. "I do. Honestly, I do. I have for," I paused, my cheeks burning, "for a long time."
"So then what's the problem? That's twice now that you've just shut it down! If you actually want this, then what the hell?"
"Frizz, you were a wreck! You were bawling in my bed right before the first, you know, the first time. I care about you so much, so if this…if we're going to be something more, then it has to be under the right circumstances. And I'm so scared that you only want to do this…to be with me because, I don't know, because we go back a long way or you find me comforting or something."
"I do find you comforting and we do go back a long way! Why are you acting like that's a problem?" she begged. Her eyes were pleading with me, albeit in a completely different way than they were a minute ago.
"But I need more than that! If this is going to happen, I want to be more than just your port in the storm! We can't have a relationship just because you're happy that I offered to help you find another job!"
"You assume that's the only reason?"
"The timing would suggest-"
"Fuck the timing! The timing was what it was, but do you think that last night was the first time that I ever thought, 'huh, I bet it would be nice to be Ron's girlfriend'? We've been best friends for close to two decades! We've nearly dated multiple times! I've wanted you for years!"
I wanted to believe her. More than anything, I wanted to believe her. She was spilling her heart out, validating all of my fantasies. But I just couldn't quite get myself to buy in, at least not fully. Not yet. "But you haven't been around. You've only been back in my life for eight months or so!"
"So what? Eight months is a long time! And we've seen each other constantly during that time."
"I know, but…" I couldn't come up with anything else to say. Maybe I was being stupid and overthinking things. Maybe I should just go with the flow.
She rubbed her temples and exhaled before staring back up at me. "Ron, why do you think I moved to Chicago?"
No, it can't be.
"I don't know, to get away from L.A.?" I replied, my pulse racing.
"I could've gone anywhere to get away from L.A. I moved here because you were here."
My mouth was bone dry. Harry had been right. I had always figured he was just teasing me, but he had been right all along. Why hadn't I seen it before? Or at least let myself acknowledge the possibility? God, I had been a complete fool.
"That's really nice to hear, Frizz."
"And now, it feels like we finally have a chance. The chance that we should've had before."
"I know, and believe me, I'm eager to take that step," I said, scooting towards her and picking up her hands in mine. "But let's just slow it down a bit. If this is real, if this is going to happen, I want to do it right. Go on dates. Spend time together not just at work, you know? But maybe not just jump into bed together."
"Sure, and I'm looking forward to all that. But, come on, Ron. If you want to and I want to…" She pulled me back on top of her, and my mind continued to fire off warnings.
Why can't she see that that particular aspect of a relationship is a bad idea right now?
"Frizz, can we just-"
"UGHHH! Why are you being so impossible about this?" she screamed, ripping her fingers away from my grip. "It's starting to make me think that you don't actually want to be with me."
"I do!" I yelled, standing up and throwing my hands in the air. "But if we keep going…if we do this, how does that make me any different from Cormac?"
Her face screwed up with anger as she pulled herself off the bed and marched right up to me. "What the actual fuck are you talking about? Cormac was…nothing. A stupid, drunken fling. That would never be you! I just told you that I moved here for you! How could you think that he even matters at all?"
"I don't know! But time after time you keep choosing to spend time with him or people like him."
"Because I was lonely and confused! We just talked about this!"
"And how's that supposed to make me feel?" I shot back, pressure building behind my eyes. "Why are you so surprised that I'm a little bit skeptical here when it seems like I've just been your-your afterthought ever since you came back?"
"What do you mean, afterthought?"
"It feels like you've made it pretty clear that we, me and Harry, are your second choice. You'll spend time with us at work, but otherwise, we only get to see you when your real friends are busy!"
She let out a frustrated sigh as her head snapped back. "Ron, I'm sorry you got that impression, but I hope you understand after everything we just talked about that you're misinterpreting things. I don't want it to be that way, I promise. I feel like I can't get rid of this strange, immature need to hold on to that part of my life. Sometimes that means, well, guys like Cormac."
"At least I was respectful enough not to take advantage of you," I muttered under my breath.
"I'm sorry, what was that?"
You know what, fuck it. It's true, right?
"I said, at least I was respectful enough not to take advantage of you."
"He didn't take advantage of me, I chose to go with him."
"Bullshit!" I said, spinning away from her and crossing the room with heavy steps. "He went out with you so that he could get you liquored up and hook up with you while your guard was down. Then he bragged about it on Facebook. The guy's a total dick."
"Hey, that's not true! Remember, I texted him! I asked him to come out, not the other way around!"
"Oh, don't let him off that easily. He knew exactly what he was doing, and he knew exactly how that night would end. Honestly, Frizz, when was the last time you woke up in a dude's bed with your clothes on?!"
The subsequent silence was excruciating. I felt like such an asshole, and the longer she stood staring daggers at me, the worse it got.
"Excuse me?" she said, her tone laced with venom.
Shit.
I had overstepped and I knew it. Everything I had learned in therapy about reacting calmly and not making presuppositions had gone out the window. What's worse, I had insulted my best friend right after she'd poured her heart out to me. It was as though someone had just kicked me in the chest, except that that person was me. Why do I always do this? Why can't I stay out of my own way just one fucking time?
"What did you just say?" she repeated, her eyebrow quirked as she stalked toward me.
"I'm sorry, Frizz, that came out wrong. I didn't-"
"Didn't what, Ron? Didn't think? Or just didn't care?"
"Of course I care, but-"
"No, you don't! It's never been more clear to me that you don't care! You've been judging me and my life choices since the moment I stepped into this apartment last night!" she yelled, poking me in the sternum.
"I'm not trying to defend myself, because that was an indefensible comment, and I'm really sorry. But that's not fair, I'm just…I worry about you because I care. Every time you're out with those guys, I worry because-"
"Because I'm such a slut? Well, if I'm just a slut, how come you didn't nut up and fuck me last night, huh?"
God, what have I done?
"Of course not, and, come on, please don't say that about yourself, I-"
"I shouldn't say it? Why the hell not? You just said it!"
"You know that's not what I meant…"
"Oh, save it! You know, I'm almost glad you said that. It makes things WAY easier for me," she said, snatching her clothes and throwing the bedroom door open.
I followed her through the living room to the foyer where she grabbed her heels. "Frizz, come on-"
"Don't you FUCKING DARE! Don't call me that EVER AGAIN! In fact, why don't you just fuck off and have a nice life!"
As the front door slammed shut behind her, I couldn't even move. My legs felt as though they were paralyzed, like I was rooted to the spot as my intestines twisted painfully around themselves. Somehow, I'd gone from almost being Hermione's girlfriend to losing her from my life entirely in a matter of minutes.
And to make matters worse, I deserved it.