(Author's note: Several new connections this chapter, but none of them are bad. Sam's not gay, but he does kind of play for their team. -amy)
Will wasn't sure who he was expecting to see at his door when he went to answer the buzzer, but it certainly wasn't a breathless Emma. He took a step backward.
"Emma!" he exclaimed. "Are — are you okay? You look like you literally ran over here."
Her face was flushed and her hair was sticking to her forehead. She impatiently ran a hand through it and smiled, laughing to herself.
"Just up the stairs," she said. "I wanted to tell you first, and I didn't want to do it over the phone."
He closed the door behind her. "Tell me what?"
"Carl. He asked me. I mean, he asked me weeks ago, and he told me not to answer him then, but — I wasn't sure what to say, at least at that point, and now, tonight, I did anyway. Answer him." She took a deep breath, having run out of words, and laughed again. "I said yes."
"You said yes?" he repeated. "To Carl? You mean, you're getting married?"
"Yes." Emma paused, putting both hands over her mouth. Her eyes were wide. "Oh my god. I said yes."
"Well, that's… that's great." Will tried to match her enthusiasm, reaching out his hands with a smile. She took them, squeezing them tightly.
"Yeah." She sounded a little fainter now. He took her arm and led her into the living room, sitting beside her on the couch.
"So… forgive me if I ask the wrong thing, but… what does that mean for you, exactly? I mean with regards to your, uh. Your situation." He hesitated. "You still don't want to — to be intimate with him."
She shook her head again. "At least, not right now. That doesn't mean I might not want to, someday."
"And now you… belong to him?"
"I already did," she said, shaking her head. "This doesn't change that. But it does mean we'll be planning our lives together."
He leaned back against the couch, trying not to frown. "But what kind of life does that mean for you, Emma? Without a sexual relationship? You really think you'll be happy in that kind of situation?"
"Yes," she said patiently. "I really do." She gave him a little smile. "I'm not sure you understand how it feels to be controlled by rules all the time, Will. You mostly do what you want. I do what I have to do to make things right. But when Carl is in charge, those rules go away. I can be — who I am, without worrying about everything I can't control."
"But you can be who you are with me," said Will.
She studied his face. "I think we tried that already. If you recall, it didn't exactly end well."
"Well, no," he admitted. "But maybe we should try it again." He could feel the heat on his own cheeks. "When I was… younger, with Toby, there were things I wouldn't do. Because I was sure I wasn't supposed to want them, that there was something wrong with me for wanting them."
She nodded slowly. "What was it that changed?"
"I guess I was shocked out of my comfort zone." Will thought back all those years ago, remembering how it had felt to walk into the lobby of the movie theater to see Rocky Horror. There had been men and women of all ages dressed in outrageous costumes and makeup and hanging all over one another, without regard to propriety or gender. "I went somewhere where the rules were different. Suddenly, everything was possible."
He could see the doubt in her eyes. "Will, are you telling me not to marry Carl?"
"No — no. I'm asking you not to give up on getting what you want." He reached for her hand, and without a thought, she took it. "Carl and I are in communication about this. I still think I can help."
She looked down at their joined hands. "I couldn't do it with you before, Will. What if I still can't?"
"Then I'll back off. I promise. But would you let me try again, once more?"
She gave him a curious glance. "Are you going to tell me what you're planning?"
"Soon." As soon as I figure it out myself.
"And… Toby's okay with it?"
Will maintained his smile. "He said I should focus on you. That he's not going anywhere."
"Well, that's very generous of him." Emma finally gave him a tentative smile in return. "I'll wait, for now."
"Thank you," he said. He kissed her cheek, and she made a sweet little noise, looking up at him with wide eyes. "Congratulations."
When Emma left, he took out the DVD and slid it into the player with some trepidation. The last time he'd tried to watch it alone, without Toby, he'd ended up a blubbery mess. But this time would be different. This time, he had a mission: to open Emma up to absolute pleasure. If anything could do that, it would be Rocky Horror.
Some days Toby had no one come to his study hall office hours at all, but today, he had two people. Sunshine he'd expected, but when Wade knocked on his door just as Sunshine was sitting down, he invited her in.
"Well, what a pleasure!" Toby hugged Wade, who eyed Sunshine shyly before taking a step into Toby's office. "Come in, come in. Let me introduce the two of you."
"I can go," said Sunshine, rising to her feet, but Toby gestured for her to sit.
"No need. I'm hoping you'll be workin' together next year, anyway, if what Wade tells me is true." He scooted his chair so that he was sitting facing both of them, away from his desk. "Wade was one of our few freshmen in VA last year."
"I'm homeschooling this year," said Wade. Sunshine nodded, biting her lip. "If everything goes okay, I'll be back. I might have to come back as a sophomore, though."
"Wonderful," Toby beamed. "Sunshine transferred in at the beginning of the year. She's got a hell of a voice."
"I'm not a very good dancer, though," she said. "Mr. Grey and Mr. Goolsby are helping me with that."
Toby tried not to make a face at Mr. Goolsby's name. Teaching dance at Carmel wasn't anything like the way it had been last year with Shelby. Dustin had hardly made an effort to talk to Toby at all, much less collaborating with him on routines or including him in plans for regionals. "How's ol' Dustin doing?"
Sunshine hesitated. "Well… he was very nice to get my mother a place to live…"
"Yeah, and we're very grateful you came to Carmel," said Toby. "What about class? How's that goin' for you?"
"It's all right, Mr. Grey." She stood up, giving Wade a quick smile. "I really think I should go. It was nice meeting you, Wade."
Wade watched her head out the door with raised eyebrows. "Why do I think there's more to that story?"
"Sunshine is sweet, and talented." Toby leaned back in his chair, resting his head in the cradle of his hands, and sighed. "She doesn't want to say anything bad about anybody. Which is hard when the fella in question is such a prick." He grinned at Wade's expression. "I can say that to you because you're not my student at the moment, or Dustin's."
"I suppose you'll understand when I say I don't really want to come back while he's teaching here, Mr. Grey," she said. "He scares me a little. Maria says he's really hard on the kids in VA. Especially the — kids who are a little different."
"Mmm. I haven't heard any tales of outright homophobia, but I would believe it." Toby snorted. "He ain't so fond of me, either."
Wade looked at him hopefully. "Is there any chance of Shelby coming back?"
"I can tell she's enjoying her time at home with her daughter, but if you ask me? She's getting antsy to get back in the studio." Toby nodded at her. "And how about you? You feelin' a little bit more yourself?"
"A little bit all the time," Wade said, smiling. "I have a new therapist, one who's helping me get ready for, you know, HRT and everything. My parents are meeting with us, too. They've been so great, but they're still uncomfortable about me performing as a girl. It's not that they're embarrassed, just that they're very protective of me. But I —" She glanced at her lap, blushing. "I'm singing online. Just my voice, no video. People really like it, Mr. Grey."
"I'm so happy to hear that, darlin'. You look happy."
"I am. I have a good group of friends online, too, on Holly's old message board?" She gave him a sly grin. "I even have a boy who likes me."
He grinned back. "No doubt!"
"Yeah, he's cute, and he's been mostly respectful and everything, but I'm taking it slow. I'm no pushover. He's a friend."
It sounded like she was talking herself through it, but her voice was firm. Toby nodded approval. "I'm sure you don't need another adult tellin' you what to do, so I'll just say I'm proud of you for being careful with yourself. Let's work on Mr. Goolsby, and stick with the plan of you coming back next year and rejoining Vocal Adrenaline, singin' with the girls this time. Agreed?"
"Agreed," Wade said, smiling bravely.
"Fantastic. And you can always talk to me if you need anything in the meantime."
"Thank you so much, Mr. Grey." She looked at him curiously as she stood up. "Not to be rude, but… you don't look so good, yourself. Are you okay?"
He covered his reaction with a stretch. "Oh, you know me, I'm always too busy. I could use a little more sleep."
That was certainly true. He hadn't slept well since he'd told Will not to call back. There wasn't anything easy about Will's situation with Emma, but every day, he had to steel himself not to pick up the phone and tell him forget it, it's fine, you can do whatever you want with Emma, or anybody else.
Because it's not about that, he reminded himself after Wade had gone. You just don't want Will doing that with somebody who can give him what you can't.
It wasn't a surprise to find out Will wanted kids. Toby knew they were going to have to have the conversation about that eventually, but he hadn't thought it was going to come quite this soon. He also knew he didn't have a damn thing to offer Will in that department.
For the forty-seventh time, Toby firmly pushed thoughts of Will Schuester away. This time, instead of focusing on the choreography he was working up for his advanced students, he picked up his cell phone and dialed a number he hadn't yet touched. An unfamiliar male voice answered.
"Howell, D.D.S and Lawton, attorney at law, how may I direct your call?"
"Yes," said Toby, with a sigh. "May I please speak with Davis Lawton?"
Online: Jake, Mar, Ricky.
Login 2010-10-23 21:13:44: Sarah. Mood: fucking pissed.
S: Okay if I swear a lot?
J: fine by me. whadaya say mar
M: If it helps, I say go ahead? Ricky doesn't swear.
R2: No, but it's fine if you do. I heard about your brother taking off for California, Sarah. That stinks.
S: Yeah, well, it got worse. I hope nobody's a Jew for Jesus on here.
J: only jew on here is me. as far as I know theres no j-guy in my religion? this is our dads weirdness isnt it
S: Yeah. He took Noah to this place, I guess it's supposed to be like camp but they try to take gay kids and make them straight?
M: *stunned silence*
J: what
R2: Sarah, I know I hardly know you, so maybe I shouldn't be saying this, but… that is really messed up. Nobody should be doing that to their own kid.
S: No, you can totally say that. And honestly, Ricky, I think we know each other pretty well. I've said more stuff on here in the last week than I say to most people at all.
R2: Yeah, trust me, I can relate. But this — jeez, Sarah. I didn't even know there were places like that.
J: you think he knew what it was when he went?
S: I didn't think so, but now I'm starting to wonder. He was getting pretty into going to this group with my dad. I think he might have thought it would be good for him. Which, seriously, is typical Noah.
M: Is there anything we can do to help? Other than lots of hugs? Oh, I forgot you don't want those.
S: Yeah, maybe I do now. No, there's nothing you can do. But Jake might be able to, though.
J: okay? I mean yeah of course what can I do
S: If I get on the bus to Mansfield after school tomorrow, I can be at the bus stop by dinner. Will your mom be there?
J: think so. but she might not be able to help, sar
R2: That doesn't mean she shouldn't try, Jake. Ditto from me, Sarah, if there's anything you need. I know Dayton's kind of far.
S: Thanks, Ricky. And it's not so far. My brothers drive all the fuck over the country. And I'd go as far as I needed to go to get my brother back.
Kurt left American government without touching base with Finn. Finn didn't follow him, so Kurt figured he wasn't going to need to justify his absence. Walking out felt necessary somehow, like he had too many eyes on him already and he couldn't handle one more pair of them watching him, not even if they were benign.
Kurt thought about heading to the attic for a few minutes alone before French, but instead he found his feet carrying him to the courtyard outside by the drama wing. Other than a scattering of butts on the ground, the courtyard was empty, and Kurt had the stone bench to himself.
It was enough space to allow him to let his guard down. He sat there for several minutes, trying to sort through his thoughts about Noah and Blaine and Adam and everybody before he heard the gentle squeak of the door opening out from the hallway.
"Oh — Kurt!"
He looked up and fumbled in his pocket for his handkerchief. "Hi, Sam," he said. There was no point in trying to hide his red eyes and blotchy face.
Sam looked restless and uncomfortable, but he stayed there in the doorway, gesturing back into the hallway. "I can… go, if you want."
"No, no. It's okay." He gestured at the stone bench beside him. After a moment, Sam let the glass door swing shut and crunched through the gravel to join him there, allowing for a reasonable distance between them. He patted Kurt's shoulder, somewhat awkwardly.
"You okay? You're not okay," he added immediately. "Of course you're not. Puck's gone."
Kurt nodded, sniffing and staring at his lap. "Yeah."
"And isn't there another guy?"
He knew Sam didn't mean Finn. That was still a secret from most people. "I was dating a boy at another school, but we're not really together anymore."
"No, not him, I mean your guy in California."
He looked up quickly, startled. "How did you —?"
"The Coach. She told me there was a guy you and Puck saw sometimes and he was always on the road." He looked somewhat impressed. "You've got a lot of boyfriends."
"Well," he said, then smiled. "I suppose more than one is a lot. Even without Noah — Puck."
"It's cool. You can have whatever." He shrugged. "The Coach, she taught us to be respectful of all kinds of relationships."
"She did?" Kurt looked at him more closely. "Taught who?"
"All the guys she was, you know." He made a little ambiguous gesture. Kurt thought for a moment.
"Training?" he guessed.
Sam nodded. "Yeah, like that."
Kurt supposed football training could get pretty personal, and there was no question that all the best teachers had a hand in their kids' social and emotional lives. Sam shuffled his feet.
"Do you have a coach?" he asked in a low voice.
"My friend Toby is kind of my dance coach. And I suppose Mr. Schue thinks he's offering good advice, but I don't listen to him like Finn does. I do have a therapist."
"No — no. Not like that." Sam looked a little red in the face now. "A Coach. Like… you know, somebody to tell you what you did right and wrong, and… deal with you."
"Oh." Kurt stared at him. He could feel his own face flushing. "You mean Coach Beiste, she — she's your…?"
There were no words he could say at school that could encompass what he thought Sam might possibly be saying. Sam just bit his lip and nodded, but Kurt knew he couldn't rely on assumptions.
"She disciplines you? With her, uh — with force?"
Another nod. "Only when she thinks I need it."
"Wow." Kurt rested a finger on his lips, his mind whirling. "Sam, I don't think she does that for any of the other football players."
He laughed. "No, I know. Me and her… it's different. I came with her from Dublin, where she used to teach. She was my Coach there, too, and I'm not just talking football."
"Okay, I do think I understand. So this is the thing we had in common? We thought she meant… that you were gay."
Sam's head-shake was almost apologetic. "I only like girls. I'm not closed-minded, honestly," he added. "I just don't like guys that way. Not that I wouldn't take orders from them, if they were giving them."
Kurt had a sudden urge to use his Voice on Sam, just to see what he would do, but the urge passed just as quickly, leaving him feeling somewhat ashamed. He nodded slowly. "Thank you for trusting me with that."
"Well, it's the Coach," said Sam. "She trusts you. And Finn, too, right? The Coach said he would get it."
Kurt nodded. "She's been a good friend to Finn. She made some, um. Some leather for him." He thought about Finn's beautiful hand-tooled collar, sitting in its wooden box in the top of his closet, untouched for so long. She'd made Noah's collar, too. It was currently in the drawer next to his bed, waiting for his return. "And for me, for… for my boy."
He should have known better than to use that phrase in front of someone else. He immediately felt his eyes fill with tears all over again.
Sam looked concerned, putting out his hand, and then he froze when he realized what Kurt was saying. His eyes got wide.
"Oh, man. You mean Puck is your — you're his Coach?"
"Was," Kurt said. He took a couple deep breaths and pulled himself together. "I was… that. I can't be sure what we are anymore. He's going through a… a crisis of faith."
Sam nodded soberly. "Yeah, I could definitely see that. That song Puck did in Glee? The Billy Joel one about dying young? He seemed kind of sad. And I don't think that song's supposed to be sad." He grimaced. "Hey, man, I'm really sorry. It sucked to hear your boyfriend's in juvie, but knowing he was yours, that's…"
"Thanks." The expression on Sam's face made Kurt smile. He sat back, feeling his shoulders settle as he exhaled. "You know, it's nice to be able to talk to somebody other than my family about this."
Sam smiled back, looking somewhat relieved. "Yeah, I gotta say, when the Coach told me I wasn't the only one at McKinley doing what we do? That was pretty cool. So you, and Finn, you're both Coaches?"
Kurt tried not to giggle. "We use another word, but yeah, like that. And to answer your earlier question, we both have people who, uh, coach us. Not just as mentors. It's part of our relationships."
"That's awesome." Sam sounded kind of reverent. The way he was looking at Kurt — well, if he reacted that to other boys, Kurt could see how someone could mistake Sam for not-straight. "I wish I had somebody like that."
"Trust me, it's not something I ever thought I would have. Or even knew I wanted, for a long time."
"Finn said Glee club would make me cool. I could use some cool, but this is more important. Football's fun, and I like singing, but I don't know how I'd get along without my Coach. My parents even moved here so I could come to McKinley, to stay with her."
"Wow. That's… very supportive of them." Kurt eyed Sam. "Do they know… details? About how she helps you?"
"Oh, yeah." He nodded vigorously. "The Coach insisted on it. Cause I'm a minor, there's no way she'd handle me that way unless they said it was okay. I think they only said yes because they saw how it helped these other guys we know, through our church?"
"Oh." Now he was starting to feel uncomfortable. Maybe Sam was a religious nut, with parents who spanked their kids. "I never thought about it being a… a discipline-only situation."
"It's not like that," Sam said, grinning. "I trust my parents, but I trust the Coach too. She's got a way, like, of seeing inside me, and figuring out what I need to help me be my best. If she uses discipline, it's fair." He made a cutting motion with his hand, like he was slicing bread.
"I guess it's hard for me to think about adults disciplining minors and having it actually be consensual," Kurt said slowly.
"Consensual? You mean… like, I say yeah, that's okay?" Sam shook his head, still smiling. "I did. And dude, isn't Puck doing the same thing with you? He's a minor, right?"
"But I'm not an adult," he protested. "I'm just… me."
Kurt watched the smile fall away from Sam's lips, leaving him hesitant and a little restless. "Hey, you know, most of us looking for a Coach would kill for somebody like you."
Kurt stared at him, speechless. Sam stood up, shuffling back toward the door in a manner so subtle Kurt never would have spotted it before. But now, he recognized it for what it was. Deference. Sam wasn't going to turn his back to him. In Sam's mind, Kurt was now in the same category as his own Coach. It was an unexpectedly heady and calming feeling.
"I've got to get to geometry," he said. "But I'll see you later, okay?"
"Yes," Kurt said softly. Then he straightened his back and raised his chin, and watched Sam bow his own head in response. "Thank you, Sam."
"Sure," he replied, flashing an accommodating smile. He might as well have said yes, sir. Kurt heard the words reverberate in the courtyard before Sam disappeared through the doors back into the hallway.
Kurt pulled his phone out of his pocket. He hadn't looked at Blaine's last text to him in weeks. Most days, thinking about Blaine made him too sad to consider it, but the conversation he'd just had with Sam had somehow left him fortified against the sadness. He tapped it with his thumb and read it again.
1 text - Blaine Anderson
12:36 AM - There's nobody like you, Kurt.
He felt the strength in his back, the drive that propelled him to stand and make the decision he'd been waffling over for days. He typed out a text of his own — not to Blaine, but to Carl.
I want to go with you to Irene's coffeehouse, he said. I need to see Blaine with my own eyes.
It didn't take Carl long to respond. You know he won't recognize you.
I know, Kurt replied. But I couldn't forgive myself if I didn't try.