Trauma
"The reason I panicked - at the zoo - almost breaking down in front of the gorillas outside cage - was a call from my sister - her name is Ashley and ... when I heard her voice - there are so many Memories come up - so much I wanted to suppress "
I looked into the teacup, which was now half full of jasmine tea in my hands and avoided seeing Patricia for the moment. So far, I had told neither Barry nor Dr. Forlet about it, the real reason I moved to Philadelphia and accepted the position in the library. The real reason why I came here. But Patricia radiated something that seemed nice. And her slightly British accent supported this nice look, the overall impression.
"Go on Naya - I'm very interested in why your sister called you - you don´t seem to have much contact with her," Patricia said and wanted to use these words to encourage me to continue talking. I appreciated this attempt.
"It shocked me , hat Ashley has contacted us - we've always had differences during our childhood - different views and more often fights - Ashley always wanted to be the one who determined everything and I just wanted to be in peace - reading books ", I answered and sighed softly.
"What exactly were you trying to suppress Naya, what are you afraid of?", Patricia asked and I changed my position on the sofa, pulled my legs closer to my body and dared to look at the older woman for a moment.
Patricia's facial expressions were nice, friendly and open - almost like Barry's but the woman surrounded something that I could not really classify right now. What exactly was I afraid of? That Ashley finds me and does to me what she had done back then - that she stands in front of me and intimidates me again with her eyes, her very good portion of self-esteem - that Ashley once again calls me a freak?
"Ashley - before what she did, I do not want to see those memories again - I do not want to feel the feelings again ... I do not want Ashley to invade my life and destroy it ... I ... I'm but just settled in here in Philadelphia, made friends with you and I was able to open a little - it would destroy all that - like a furious tornado, " I explained and had to prevent at all costs that Ashley would find me and all of that would take away what I have built up with so much effort and work.
"What did your sister do to you, do you want to tell me about it, Naya?"
I felt Patricia gently touch my arm and a small part of me wanted to tell her. All that bothers me and the others - my, no, our past.
"C ... can I trust you - can I trust you Patricia?"
My green eyes sparkled partly scared and partly uncertain when I asked the lady this question and her friendly smile disappeared - Patricia was sitting next to me with absolute emotionlessness, her hand had already pulled behind her back. I knew this process from video footage I made years ago - to understand exactly what's happening to me. Another person is now taking over the light and I was afraid that maybe it would be Dennis - he would certainly throw me out of the apartment immediately.
...
The facial expressions of the person sitting across from me in Patricia's clothes, unsure-the blue eyes looked back and forth uneasily before they were fixed on me. The mimic of the person reflected fear and insecurity.
"I'm Kevin - Kevin Wendell Crumb - H..Hello Naya"
I looked surprised at Kevin - he looked so - , so shy and so scared. He reminded me so much of myself at that moment.
"Hello Kevin - it's nice to meet you," I said, carefully holding my hand out to him. Kevin grabbed it and his handshake was incredibly gentle.
"I overheard what Patricia asked and ... you do not need to be afraid - they protect me and ... would not hurt you - did your sister do something to you?", Kevin muttered, pulling his hand back.
I was silent for a moment , I´am trying to sort out my thoughts and ignoring the screams, shouts and Aaaw how sweethe is - cheers from Helena. Kevin was sitting there beside me, in Patricia's clothes, I was sorry for him - I did not know exactly what had happened to him - but since he suffers from DID like me - it must have been a bad thing.
"What happened to you?" I asked, noticing tears forming in the blue eyes , as Kevin began to tell me - how his mother had punished him at the age of three - when something was not clean. She had beaten him on the Hands with a wire - over and over again - until it bleds and Kevin's mother had insulted him. How useless he was and what a mess he had made.
As Kevin talked about it, I was overcome with the feeling of hugging the man who might have been a few years older than me, and telling him everything was going to be okay. That he doesn´t need to be afraid - and that's exactly what I did. Carefully, I pulled Kevin in a hug and rested my head on his shoulder.
"I'm so sorry Kevin - I ... I've been through something similar - may I tell you about it - may I tell you?" I asked, looking into the deep blue eyes of Kevin seconds later - he had told me what happened to him - that was a big vote of confidence - if Kevin could put his trust in me - then I was capable of that too.
"If you like, Naya", he replied, and I started to talk while I lay in the embrace - it gave me something that I had not had for years - hope and security.
"It all started, when I was 15 years old - it had been a Sunday - when Ashley and I had a fight again - her friends were visiting us and wanted to annoy the poor, shy Naya once again..."
...
"Kenson! open the damn door - we just want to talk to you!"
I had locked myself in the basement - to rest of Ashley and her friends. In order not to have to be hit with more unfriendly words. Freak. Bookworm. Failure. Victim. These had only been a few - they can do much worse on it. Our parents were not at home - they were on a ... trip. And of course they had allowed Ashley to invite her friends - that's exactly what my sister did - and it had been like a hunt through the house.
Only here in the basement I had protection - as long as Ashley and her friends would not find the key.
"Come on, little sister - we just want to mess up your pathetic face - Mum and Dad are not here and you owe me for saving you from Lucan - your ugly friend Nina got beaten up, but that's not it my problem"
Somebody stepped deliberately against the cellar door from the outside and I jumped back. Panic rolled over me and i tried to hide in the next corner of the small dark cellar and now wished a fairy godmother would come around - someone who conjures me away from here and brings to a better place. But there would not be a fairy godmother - no one who would save me - and then I heard the key turning slowly in the door lock.
The cellar door flew open and I heard the laugh of Ashley and her friends was so loud.
"Aaaw the stupid little Naya hiding in a corner - hold on and then we'll have some fun!"
How could Ashley be fun? How much did my own sister hate me? Why did she do that to me? I always tried to avoid her - there was a good fight between siblings - because of banal things but I never upset her - never so much as Ashley should have a serious reason - to attack me physically.
My sister's friends dragged me out of the corner , holding me tight and pushing me on the floor.
"A ... Ashley please, let me go and I will not tell Mum and Dad about it," I panicked as Ashley slowly slid toward me - her eyes had an almost sadistic sparkle about them - I could not stand in the dimmed light Realizing what she had in her hand - my desperate attempts to defend myself brought nothing - because Ashley's friends just pushed me even more to the ground.
"Mum and Dad do not believe you - I'm their darling and as your older sister I had more rights - before you were born - besides I have a sadistic side that wants to be lived out - and ah I hate you Naya!" Ashley hissed and I could hear the hatred in her voice.
Of course - I was the quiet, silent bookworm - Ashley the perfect child - my parents' darling. Where are you good fairy?
"I ... I never wanted to annoy anyone," I said, still having a little hope that would let go of me. But Ashley Kenson seemed to see all of this differently.
There was a metallic click and seconds later the lights go on
"Your hair has always looked like shit on you Naya! And not only your hair!"
She came closer with the lighter and apparently wanted to burn off some of my blond hair - but Ashley seemed to change her tactics within a few seconds - she knelt in front of me and grabbed my hand that had let her friends go - I felt it Pain and tried to fight in panic.
The heat on my hand only lasted for seconds - it would scar and hurt - but then the friends dropped me on the ground and started kicking me - insulting me further and I did not want that - I wanted it do not listen - or watch with. I wanted to hide the pain and stop smelling the smell of burned skin.
I wanted to be so strong - not weak. The tears that ran down my cheeks in panic and fear were stopped - I did not want to experience this situation.
"You could not hurt her , you Bitches!"
Fynn was born - with a fixed gaze he looked at his tormentors and stepped purposefully - one after the other landed on the ground and he had no pity - ignoring the pain what Ashley and her friends had done to Naya was an awful, horrobile thing - he wanted revenge for what they did to the poor girl - and Fynn angrily hit Ashley and his dark gloomy voice made Ashley flinch for a moment.
"Fuck you - you are going crazy Naya!", She shouted at Fynn - before one of her friends had managed to rattle herself up and hit Fynn on the head with a glass bottle - the man in Naya's body lost the consciousness and collapsed down on the could ground - and the last thing he heard - was how Naya's parents came back ...
...
I had begun to tremble uncontrollably - the memory of Ashley and her friends kicking and bullying me in the basement of our own home - and the scar Ashley burned through the lighter into the inside of my right hand had been horrobile moments in my life - not just my self-confidence was totaly gonw, but she also has destroyed my trust in other people.
"Naya - something horrible happened to you - I'm so sorry"
This time it was Kevin, who pulled me into a hug and I kept trying to tell what happened afterwards - after my parents found me.
"Did Ashley get her punishment for what she did to you?" , Kevin asked cautiously and I shook my head.
"No ... she did not ... I ... I ... may I please use your bathroom Kevin?"
I felt bad when I thought about it and I did not want to puke everything here - that did not have to be. After Kevin's brief description of where exactly the bathroom was, I thanked him and ran quickly into the bathroom.
I surrendered and tried to control my emotions. Ashley would not find me here - I could trust Kevin and the others.
Dissolved, I looked into the reflection of the tiny mirrow and i looked so pale - it was the first time I told someone , that I trusted about what happened to me.
Then I returned to the living room and realized that Kevin had probably moved in the meantime.
"I'm so sorry what happened to you honey"
Barry approached me and pulled me into a protective hug. I searched for protection by the fashion lover and heard Colin sigh with delighted what a great person Barry was after all.
"After I woke up - my parents had a doctor come over - Fynn had regained control, he wanted to protect me again from Ashley and my parents, as well as the doctor - I was taken to a psychiatric ward there was determined that I suffering from MPD - I spent almost two years in a hospitsl - there and in the time the others joined, Fynns company and I was put in a special program for teenagers , were people teach me to live with this disease - after my release, a few months ago I moved here to Philadelphia - away from my family and away from Ashley - I don´t want her to find me and hurt you too Barry", I explained how the rest of the story ended.
Reassuring, Barry stroked my back, said nothing, and calmed me down slowly but surely.
"We will protect you Naya - nothing will happen to you, I will consult with the others what we can do for you now, honey?" Barry suggested and I nodded slowly.
"Thank you Barry - thank you all - I ... would like to go home now and fix my flat, maybe looking for another place where Ashley does not find me .." I mumbled.
"You could stay with us - well I know what you think, a flat in the maintenance area of the zoo is not good - but we still have a room available and you would be welcome," Barry said to me and I was surprised by this offer.
"We think about it and then write to you okay? - thank you," I thanked me and left the apartment fifteen minutes later.
Both of us had experienced a trauma that shaped our lives - that changed us. It has been hard for me to find someone after what Ashley and her friends have done to me, after spending time in all the psychiatry and talking to psychologists to ever trust someone again - but especially with Barry, Kevin and the others are different - For the first time in my life - I had the feeling again - I could trust them with all my heart.