IT'S CHANGED! (SNILY)

CHAPTER 47 I love you

They sighed after the door was closed and sealed by Severus to avoid any sort of disturbances. They turned to each other, but didn't look at the other. They simply weren't able to. Lily built up her Gryffindor courage and came closer to him but still he looked away from her. She placed a hand on his cheek and directed his eyes to look into hers.

"Sev… I never knew there'd be this awkward moment between us that we wouldn't be able to look in the other's eyes"

"Perhaps, dating me was a bad idea"

"Sev! Please! I love you! It was one of the best decisions of my life… but you don't get this" she desperately tried to make the situation better.

"Lily, please, don't say it all as if we are not talking is my mistake" he said scornfully, not being able to do it in any better way.

Lily's eyes turned stone and she left his cheek, walking away and taking seat on one of the benches. She grabbed her hair and rested her head in her hands, trying to calm herself. She closed her eyes for a few seconds before raising herself again, to face him.

"Would you please, come here and sit to talk calmly?" she asked him.

He didn't answer but took a seat opposite her, so that there was a table between them.

"Did you even understand why I asked you to have a break, Severus?" she spoke again.

Severus looked at her and leaned back in his chair. "Because you believe that I am apparently not being able to fulfil your expectations"

Lily laughed hollowly. "Fulfil my expectations? What do you think are the expectations I have from you?"

He shrugged and looked away. "How am I supposed to know them? I simply know that you think I am useless and not to the standard of being with you"

Lily dropped her head in her hands again. "Sev, Sev, Sev…" she whispered. "How much you mistake me?" she lifted her head and got up from her chair. She rounded the table and sat on it in front of him, so that now, their knees were touching. "You know what I expect from you? Absolutely nothing. You know why? Because you are everything to me… I don't require anything more"

Severus looked away, hiding his trembling lips. She always had a way to make the talk fall this way. "Then why leave me?"

"Sev, when I said I don't have expectations from you doesn't mean all the expectations that you hold with yourself die together. You are a brilliant soul and much smarter than more than half of Hogwarts body. But as much I understand… I meant too much to you, even though, I realized it a few weeks ago… You can leave anything for me and I am aware, but I want to you keep the one whom I love. I want to cherish. Yourself, Sev"

He swallowed. "You could have told all of that before" his voice cracked, as he bit his lower lip, to keep it from trembling so noticeably.

Lily smiled. He was willing to hear. "I tried to, but I was too consumed by the fact that you are losing yourself because of me… I was feeling bad and low of myself, and I have to say, even though, you were a comfort, you didn't understand me at that time, instead… instead, took a personal attack on yourself. When I need you, Severus, I wasn't able to be with you" her voice turned to a whisper till the last sentence. This was harder than she thought.

Severus' face sharply turned to her. "I-I… Lily, I am sorry for that. Sorry for not being able to be when you needed me, sorry not being able to-to console you, but Lily, you didn't hear my part, either… You didn't consider me, either" he turned to his lap again.

Her eyes filled with tears as she narrowed them. "I didn't hear you?!" she hissed in disbelief. "Sev… You think I didn't hear you! It was you who didn't hear me!" she yelled the last statement.

He gripped the handles of the chair, tightly, almost turning his knuckles white but when he turned to her, his eyes were dangerously stony. "I agree, but you weren't willing to say when I was there to hear. And later, you want to do everything as per your convenience, Lily… when I wasn't prepared. Couldn't you have opened the topic, when you were in a state of mind to talk!?"

Lily pressed her palms on her ears, clenching her eyes shut. "Stop it, Severus! Stop it…" she whispered. "You have no idea how important it is to not look weak in front of a person who has been through so much… I feel like I am losing hope of keeping you together every day, but I try every single day to keep that hope because I know, that if I lose it, you will too. You won't admit it, Sev, but you are more broken than you let on… yes, you are loved now, more than perhaps, you had imagined earlier, but the responsibilities on your shoulder make you drown. In that I am a human too, Sev! I see you every day, living with all of that! And when I see you not trying to keep yourself on surface, I get scared. I get scared for you… I don't want to lose you to anything"

She spoke so long, but it was him panting. He rubbed his face, tiredly, leaning back and trying to keep his breath calmed. He couldn't comprehend any of that.

"When I saw that how much I meant to you, I was amazed" she continued, chuckling at the feeling she experienced. "You were so happy when you were with me, that I had never felt that loved. It made me happier. And when I saw that you stopped doing or trying to make yourself better because you thought the ultimate goal in your life is won. You thought I was a-"

"Lily!" he snapped his head up, his eyes wide with rage. "You are not a prize to me! Don't demean my feelings!" he paused and got up from his chair, walking at little farther away, keeping his back to her. "But perhaps, you'll never understand the depth… you are fixed in trivialities and that is what you can think of. You are shallow, Lily! Accept that! I would have respected and loved you even if you wouldn't talk to me! I was, am, will always love you more than you'd know! You mean the world to me! Even when I called you that awful word" he sneered at himself. "And you stopped talking to me… I had been the same"

"No, Sev, you are different. I apologize for using the wrong words for your feelings. I didn't mean to hurt you…"

"But you always do, don't you?" he whipped back to her, in a precise motion. "Hurt me unintentionally, and then apologize? Does that erase the hurt you had caused?!"

She shook her head, making some of the tears escape her eyes. "That doesn't erase the fact that you have caused me hurt too, Sev" she whispered, not wishing to bring up that topic, but couldn't resist herself from speaking it.

Severus' eyes widened and a shadow passed his face, resembling someone he despised. He ran up to the door and tried to pull it open, but couldn't. Lily had locked the door with a charm he didn't know. He couldn't open it. He tried furiously, pulling the door handle but it didn't work. A few seconds later, his knees gave out and he sank to the ground, crumbling before the door. He pulled his legs up to his chest and buried his face in them, violent sobs and uncontrollable tears wrecking his frame.

Lily froze the moment she saw such a strange behaviour in Severus. What did she say that made him want to escape so bad? A worried look creased her face, as she slowly got up from the table and approached him. She crouched beside him and with very gentle fingers touched his arm, afraid to make any contact for now.

"Sev…" she whispered in a voice almost inaudible.

He raised his tear-stained face to her and jerked himself away, as if she was a monster. "Don't come near me" he warned and shifted away from her.

Lily's face showed hurt, but she knew he was pointing to something other than the literal 'Don't come near me' meaning. "Sev…" she tried again, keeping a hand on his arm once more.

He didn't jerk away this time, but entirely stood up. "I SAID- DON'T COME NEAR ME!" he yelled, but Lily didn't flinch even a little. He ran to another corner of the room and sat in the very same position, rocking himself.

Lily stood there, struck with her mouth agape at his shouts. Why was he doing this? She did say something wrong, otherwise, his condition wouldn't have been like this. What was he thinking? She didn't know. She needed to. So, she got up and walked carefully to Severus, sitting beside him, but not touching him even a little.

She opened her mouth to speak but closed it at the whispering murmurs she could hear from Severus. He was talking to himself. She leaned a little to hear clearly.

"I hurt her… I hurt her… I hurt her… I am him… I am him… I hurt her… I hurt her… I am him… I am him…"

She frowned. What was he talking about when he said 'I am him'? So, she decided to try talking to him again, but without any sort of physical contact this time and with some space between them.

"Sev" she called and his murmurs stopped immediately. "You, okay?" she cringed at herself for asking the stupidest questions.

Severus didn't answer though, he simply raised his face but his eyes remained unfocused, as he leaned on the wall beside him.

"Sev" she called again, making him jump in the slightest. "W-What is wrong?" now, she was thoroughly confused.

"I am fine, Lily, they were fighting again, as you know… but I am fine. They keep on doing that all the time. I hope he lets mum be but he comes every day and beats her… I don't like all of that, but we'll be getting to Hogwarts in a few months and everything will be fine. I'll ask mum to come too, but I don't know if she'll agree…" he sighed, speaking things that had messed up with Lily's mind even more.

"Will Hogwarts be great, Sev?" she asked, taking the tracks he just gave.

He smiled, innocently at the floor, still not looking at her. "Hogwarts is big, Lily… you'd like it, I know that… It is great, my mum has told me everything about the classes and professors. She says some can be bad and you know?" his voice turned into a whisper. "Very moody but we'll get through. She says the headmaster is good but a little weird, Albus Dumbledore… We'll get through, Lily, don't worry. Together"

She hesitated but asked the next question. "What about the dementors, Sev?"

He chuckled still looking at the floor. "You aren't afraid of the dementors still, are you? They won't do anything to you, I promise. And if they come, I'll swish my wand to make the greatest Patronus to shoo it away. You know, they are the guards of the Wizard prison, Azkaban. When they are near you, you can have very bad dream… really bad ones, that is why the prisoners never leave because they are tra… trau… traumatized. Yes! I can speak the word now; it had been quite the tongue twister"

Lily chuckled, but remembered herself giggling at Severus, when they young and were having the same conversation. "I do a lot of magic out here, Sev and you said it isn't allowed. So, will the Dementors put me in Az… Azek… Azkaban too?" she impersonated her younger self.

Severus shook his head. "No, Lily, they won't be putting you. They do it only with wizards and witches who are really, really bad and would have done something really bad. You are anyways, too…" he trailed off, a red blush taking over his entire face.

Lily raised an eyebrow. It was like the very first time. He was blushing and she noticed it. Last time she hadn't. "I love you, Sev"

Severus gasped and sharply turned to her, his eyes filling with tears once more. "I am sorry… I am sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you… didn't mean to hurt you. I don't want to be like him. I don't want to. I am a horrible human being, Lily, stay away from me… I hate myself; I hate myself so damn much… I'll never come in front of you, Lily. Never be in your way, I promise. You'll never feel any hurt. I don't want to be him. I don't want to be my father…" he muttered in between painful sobs, burying his face in his knees once more.

Lily's forehead kept creased in apprehension before they totally released when he said the last sentence and the realization struck her. 'I don't want to be my father'. He was taking it in the very wrong way. She mustn't have said that he hurt him, the way she had said. That had brought all the terrifying memories of his childhood.

Now, she sat looking at his crying form, feeling totally helpless for his state. "Sev…" she whispered, reaching out with a hand.

He jerked back. "NO! No! No, no, no, no, no… don't come near me… I am evil. I can cause harm, hurt…" he began sobbing again.

Tears streamed down Lily's face too. What was she supposed to do? "Sev…?"

He looked up through his fold arms, his frame still wrecking with violent sobs.

"You didn't hurt me the way, you think… I am not hurt, but absolutely fine. Sev, please, listen to me!"

He shook his head, pressing his palms on his ears, trying not to hear a word she spoke. Lily couldn't take any of it anymore. She simply got up and sat right next to Severus. He began to cower from her, frightened if he'd hurt her again. But Lily, ignored it and held his arm firmly. He shook it but couldn't, her hold was tight. He looked at her pleadingly, trying to make her understand that she must leave him but her other hand snaked to his other side to. He once more tried to jerk back but couldn't, he felt weak.

Lily's head was turning into a mess, and she couldn't comprehend anything anymore. The only thing she wanted was to stay in Severus' arms and forget about everything, but it was him this time, she had to comfort. So, without thinking any further, she engulfed him into a hug. Severus' fought it for a while but then laced his hands behind her, sobbing in his shoulder. But as soon as their chests met, the anxiety left them… the only feeling left was of relaxation. Them holding each other felt like the world had begun to come in its position again.

Severus kept muttering something in Lily's shoulder but she seemed to have ignored all of them, taking in the smell of his hair and wanting to stay like the way she was, forever. They didn't wish to leave the comfort behind.

"You know, you didn't hurt me, Sev, don't you?" she whispered.

"I d-don't wish to be like my father…" he said weakly.

"And you are not" Lily stated confidently. "You are a greater man, and must be aware of that"

"His blood runs down my veins, Lily" he felt ashamed.

Lily pulled away and made him look in her eyes. "That doesn't mean, you aren't different. You are yourself, Severus. And I wouldn't love or hate you because of your parents. And never call me shallow, that would be the biggest insult you can give me"

Severus shook his head, looking down and fiddling with lose threads of her robes. "I wouldn't, because you are not, I apologize for that"

"For? For what? Just calling me shallow or also for being a prat for weeks?" she flashed a cheeky smirk.

He pulled her in a hug again. "I am sorry- sorry for everything. Things weren't going my way and I was getting frustrated and that was eating me inside and I was taking I out on you… I would have hurt everyone. I'll apologize to them too, hoping that they forgive me. I didn't even hear you, when I could have. I am ready now, though, and I'll hear each and every word that you say and-"

"Stop!" Lily cut him, making him pause immediately from his rushed and incessant talk. "Breathe, Sev…" she took a deep breath, directing him. Stupid, he was. Couldn't stop once started. "Good. Now, I get your point… let me explain mine. I know, I wasn't very eloquent earlier – not a Slytherin, so, don't have those qualities – but I'll try again" she pulled away once more, taking his hands in hers.

He nodded and looked her in the eyes, sincere to understand everything she would say.

"Now, as you know, I was a little stressed about you. So, precisely, I simply want to you to not feel any insecurity regarding me. I am not going anywhere, leaving you. This was a supposed to be a small break for yourself – to spend time with yourself, thinking less about the other – rather than a break up. I wouldn't want to break up with you, I love you, and you know that… You were giving me all your time, and so, I wanted you to put focus on yourself… that's it"

Severus blinked and then frowned. "Then why did you run away crying at that time? If it was just this, you could have said it that way"

Lily blushed. Okay, yes, she had overdramatized everything. "Yeah… perhaps… but, Sev, understand this, when a person is too stressed over something and feels overwhelmed by it and then they meet their anchor-person, they are bound to break"

"I am your anchor-person?" he asked incredulously.

She shrugged. "Obviously, that is why the dam broke so bad when you were there. And perhaps, I just blamed myself for all of it and that is why I felt like it was all happening because of me and so, you getting down would be because of me… you get it?"

He nodded. "Kind of… You are complicated"

She rolled her eyes. "Please, Sev… no one is more complicated than you are"

He chuckled. "As if"

"Now, your part"

"My part? Oh… yes, so, first I blamed myself for making you feel that way, but then, it seemed like…" he flushed thinking of all the foolish things he had thought just a few weeks ago. "It seemed to me – earlier, not now, remember that. And also, that I was also under in internal turmoil – that you don't care for me and that you wished to have given our relationship a chance because losing it wouldn't matter anything to you. I know, it is stupid, but at that time, it all made sense"

"Now, you could have clarified that, if not for the razor tongue, I had to deal with" she huffed, crossing her arms on her chest.

"I said, I am sorry" he looked down in his lap, ashamed.

"Yes, and I accepted it… also, don't think that you are like your father. You are nothing like him, you are the one who grows better every day and whom I love the most" she smiled.

He smiled at that too. "I know that now…"

They both looked at each other in the eye for a while, taking in the beauties of the others faces. They both chuckled and looked down before licking their lips and pouncing on the other. Their lips locked and the bliss met. After a long time, they were enjoying each other all the more.

They moaned at the pleasures and sought for more. Lily's force being more, her body took Severus down on his back, her body laying over him, their curves and hollows settling perfectly in one another's. Breathing in each other's scent the world went oblivious once more. They hadn't done this for long and both of their minds struck at once. Severus' arm snaked up Lily's waist from beneath her shirt, pulling her more towards himself, as her hand went down to his belt. And no one realized when it had been pulled open.

Severus with his both hands took her robes off and threw it down, never breaking the kiss. Lily too, had done the same, making him sit a little straighter. The blood rushed to south and both of them began swelling at the bottoms, though it was slow.

After a while both of them were half-naked, taking pleasure of the moment. But when Severus' hand went to Lily's skirt, she broke the kiss and looked at him anxiously, making him frown.

"We can leave, if you don't want" he assured.

"I-I… Sev, I am just… I don't know, just feel like… what if you don't like me…" she flushed, looking away.

Severus laughed slowly. "Lily, I like – love every bit of you… and you are more beautiful than anyone I know on earth…"

She gulped and flushed further, closing her eyes. "I have stretch-marks all over my lower body" she blurted out.

Severus blinked and then pulled her closer, kissing her ear lightly, before whispering in an erotic voice that sent hot chills all over Lily's body. "Wouldn't my lioness have scars?"

She chuckled. "You are insane" she licked his neck, making him shiver.

"Indeed" he chuckled. "You must know… even though, I am aware you have already seen me, that my body is filled with scars too. Thanks to my father" he muttered sarcastically.

Lily caught his lower lip in her teeth. "I find them hot"

"Mustn't I also have the right to call you insane?" he raised an eyebrow.

She laughed and then said in his impersonation. "Indeed"

Severus smiled and brought his hand to her skirt once more, and this time she didn't protest but hid her face in the nook of his neck. In a swift move, it was off, leaving her in only her bra and knickers, making gasp and flush. She was breath-taking.

She looked in his eyes, as they blazed passion at her. He pulled her in another deep kiss, interlocking their tongues and snaking one of his arms on her hips. Her hands went to open the zip of his trousers and pull them down. She broke the kiss and sat up straighter, taking in every look of him, making him blush under the scrutiny.

He sat up straighter too… the bench was small for them to do… well, anything. So, he slid down to the floor, holding Lily's hand and taking her down with himself. His hand slipped from her arm to her back and to the hook of her bra. She gasped and leaned to him to ease him, open it. He clicked it open the grip on Lily's chest loosened, telling her that her bra was off. She slid the staps off and looked at him, who couldn't have looked more flustered in his life.

"Lily…" he breathed and kissed her neck, not daring to go any further down. "You are beautiful"

She giggled and directed his head downwards. He paused but then went with the flow. He reached her breasts and very hesitantly gave a lick making her moan. She liked it?! He did it again, making her moan once more. He smiled and touched his tongue to the tip of her nipple, making her hold his arms to keep herself steady as her head hung backwards. She was getting aroused more than ever. This was a total new feeling to her. While he was doing what he was, her gaze met the waistband of Severus' under-wear. She reached and grabbed them, making him jerk back and look at her, before relaxing and sucking on to her neck.

She moaned and her vision went blurry but she pulled his under-wear down, until his thighs, exposing his erection. He was quite oblivious of the fact that he was entirely naked now… Lily closed her eyes and with the tip of her fingers touched his penis, making him freeze and look down at himself.

"You…" he looked at her accusingly, almost frightening her, before an anxious expression taking over his own face. "Well…?"

She smiled and extended her hand to grab him. He wasn't small… nor really big. Just perfect. She moved her hand up and down, making him freeze once more.

"You are brilliant" she whispered in his ear, making him totally relax in her arms, and pulling the rest of the fabric off his thighs too.

He was also about to slip her knickers down before he looked up at her with a questioning glance. "May I?"

She rolled her eyes and sat back, to allow him to slid it down. His hands began shaking as he did so and just as it was done, the salty ocean breeze filled their nostrils. Almost embarrassing Lily but maddening Severus. He closed his eyes and went close to her waist, taking deep breaths. She smelled amazing to him.

"Have I even mentioned that I love your smell…" he whispered, stroking his nose on her skin.

She chuckled. "Yes, you have" she whispered, holding his head and moving it steadily downwards. "You also have got the chance to taste me, Sev…"

He looked up at her and saw her smiling, making him all the more confident in what he was doing. He went down and kissed her inner thighs, making her suck in sharp breaths.

He smirked. "You like it?"

"Definitely…" she seemed not being able to speak, so, he gave a bunch of kisses close to her inner thigh. "Faster, Sev…" she urged.

And his smirk grew huger. He dipped in the middle of her and bared his tongue to her hot core. Thrusting it hard and clear he stroked upwards, shivering with the pleasure himself and also making her moan. She was only stable because of the support of his neck, that she had held on. Her thighs began to jerk by the over stimulation, making Severus confused.

"Are you alright?" he asked.

"Of course…" she said through clenched teeth.

"You are jerking back" he pointed out.

"Because I am liking it, idiot!"

"Oh…" he flushed and gave another bunch of licks at her centre, messing his lips with her secreted juices.

The soft tip of his tongue had made her so excited that she was feeling dizzy now… and then, without thinking she pushed him back and took his penis in her mouth.

Severus almost screamed but then, leaned on the bench, before turning into a moaning and hissing mess. "I… Uhhh… L-Lily… Go slow! You would make me… Uhhh, yes, go slow"

She smirked, and kept moving her head back and forth, enjoying the sensation and the taste of the precum. She pulled back after a few turns. "You aren't about to cum, are you?" she asked.

He shook his head, smiling proudly. "Nah, not yet"

She smiled and turned her back on him, slipping back to adjust herself on one of his thighs, so, that his manhood was exactly beside her. He looked at her confused, before pulling her closer, even though, the friction without clothes, made everything a little harder on the floor.

Lily grabbed both of Severus' hands and leaned back on his chest, her hair tingling his nerves. She placed both his shaking hands on her crotch. He gasped but let her do whatever she was.

"You know where the clit is, don't you?" she asked.

He nodded hesitantly. "I-I do… wait… okay, right here…" and he got the answer at her low scream. Yes, he has gotten it.

"You are blazing, Sev…" she moaned, taking the other of his hand's fingers to her vagina. "Stop shaking! My vagina isn't going to swallow you!"

"Your beauty is overwhelming" he answered, trying to control his nerves.

She ignored him and leaned further on him. "Take them in… fast, Severus"

In the flustered state, he was in… he held two of her fingers out and thrusted them in her… yes, he did it very slowly.

"Sev… take them in!" she yelled at her impatience.

"What if I hurt you?"

"Sev, those are just fingers… take them!"

So, he did that, surrendered his fingers in her hot centre, feeling every wall of her inner-self. The feeling made him dizzy this time and her cry is pleasure.

"Rock the inside one and rub the one that is on the clit… yes, good… uhh…" she had no idea how was he doing that so well… she closed her eyes and took it all in, moaning and grumbling at everything he was doing with her.

"Ahh… Sev… faster!" she screamed, wriggling in his grip.

He began making the light touches more profound and harder, while sucking up on her collar bone. She brought her hand to hold on him and moving her hand up and down, making him breath with difficulty at her perfection. She slid his foreskin up and down, making him intertwining his legs with hers, tightly.

"Go…" he panted. "Go slow, Lily!"

"Okay…" she spoke through clenched teeth when the moment came. She eyes clenched tightly shut, her body stiffened and arched itself as the peak of pleasure hit her, rolling down the shivers all over her body. The shivers lingered in her legs and crotch, still making her keep them steady or moving them make her faint. The intensity of the orgasm she just experienced was so high that she had never done before.

Severus had pulled his hands back this time, as soon as he realized she had hit what he wished she could. She said she would be sensitive, so, he didn't want her to feel uncomfortable. Her flushed face turned to her, smiling, through her half-lidded eyes. She passed him a cheeky grin before rubbing Severus with her hands too fast.

He gripped her waist tightly, steading his head on her shoulder. "You know… you are too fast… Ahhhhh" he groaned at last, just as his body tightened. He ejaculated his load on Lily's hand as the pleasure of the moment met him, sending currents down his spine.

Lily gave a lick to her hand where the white liquid had spun. "Umm… you taste bitter-sweet, Sev"

"Huh?" he wasn't in the state of comprehending anything.

She rolled her eyes and reached for her wand that seemed lost in the bundle of clothes on their side. She got it at last and gave it a wave, cleaning all the mess they had created on the floor and on their hands. She threw it in the bundle of clothes again and keeping her hands on his chest. She pulled him down to the floor, keeping their heads on their robes and intertwining their legs and arms.

"We still didn't do it" he mumbled.

She chuckled. "Next time, I wouldn't get involved in the foreplay so much…"

"Hmm" he nodded, absentmindedly, snuggling himself into her. "I love you, Lils"

"Do I have to say it out loud that I love you too?" she raised an eyebrow, that he didn't even see.

"Umm hmm, no need, but I like it, so, can you speak? Please?"

She chuckled again, loving to be held by Severus so close to himself. She took a deep breath in his smell and spoke very clearly but breathily. "I love you, Sev"

A/N: Hope you liked these chapters.
Please, let me know how you felt about it in the comments.
Thank you