SUSPENDING PLEASURES
CHAPTER 13- THIS CHAPTER IS OPTIONAL
AUTHOR'S NOTE
Dear reader, today we must start with a housekeeping issue. You may notice that two chapters have been posted at once which means that the word count of this installment is higher than usual. This author is aware that many busy readers are pressed for time and reading both chapters may prove too time-consuming. Other readers might be superstitious about the number 13, wishing to avoid the thirteenth floor or the thirteenth chapter. If this is you, we shall not judge. We strive to make reading this story an inclusive and undemanding experience, and to that end, Chapter 13 has been made optional. It is merely an interlude about a minor character who rode out at dawn. That person's health may benefit from the exercise in fresh air but otherwise nothing happens and all the jokes have been replaced by references to weather. None of that is at all necessary for following the plot, so you can easily suspend the pleasure of reading the optional chapter and not miss out on anything.
The aforementioned morning person interested in equestrian sports is Mr. Darcy. Some readers might not remember him as he has appeared only in a few chapters and spoken relatively little in some of them but so far his role in this story might be described as the dull sidekick. This is not at all unusual for him as among his acquaintances, Mr. Darcy is known as a staid, boring sort of man. His temperament is perceived as quiet, prudent, and reserved, and he is widely regarded as a creature of habit. His clothing and comportment are unfailingly proper and not likely to draw public notice. He has a reputation of being mindful of his duties and it has been said that his letters are long and overly detailed. To the best of our knowledge, he is neither a dandy nor a rakehell and has demonstrated no penchant for any amusing antics such as silly wagers, dueling, hair-raising horse racing or other death-defying expressions of masculine stupidity. He is a habitual bachelor with no history of frivolous dalliances and salacious escapades that we know of, with a closer resemblance to a wallflower than the center of attention at any assembly he attends. Reports of any scandalous behavior are so rare that there can be very little to arouse general interest in such a placid character. In short, he is hardly hero material, and we apologize for having to include such an unremarkable individual in this story at all. However, as he is such a close friend to Mr. Bingley we found that he could not be left out of the tale entirely without falling into several annoying plot holes.
We must also note that this chapter represents a discontinuity in the timeline, and in a previous chapter we saw Mr. Darcy returning from the same outing fully dressed, sane, and otherwise unharmed. So there will be no suspense as we are already aware that he is going to get back safely and in time to enjoy the most important meal of the day.
Knowing all that, you may feel assured it is safe to skip this chapter as you are not likely to miss any drama. If you need a nap or a bathroom break this is a good time to take it, and when you return you may jump straight into the action in Chapter 14 which features prisoners, rats, and gratuitous violence and promises to be far more exciting.
However, if you are squeamish about blood you may prefer to skip Chapter 14 instead.
CHAPTER 13- THIS CHAPTER IS OPTIONAL
The morning was cool and windy. It was not raining but dark clouds were hanging rather low in the sky, and a downpour was a definite possibility later in the day. The ground was rather wet and muddy from the previous day's weather phenomena.
Miss Elizabeth Bennet had walked towards Oakham Mount. expecting to see nobody on such a dreary day. However, men are the most frequent source of disappointments in life, so of course there was a gentleman standing at the top of the mountain, staring at the horizon. In the interest of full disclosure, Oakham Mount was not a proper mountain, it was merely a hill. But it was the best anyone in Hertfordshire could do on short notice.
"Miss Elizabeth," the gentleman said, by way of a greeting. His horse neighed politely, sounding very much like a horse.
"Good morning, Mr. Darcy," she said. "We simply must stop meeting this way."
"You wish me to leave?" He sounded startled.
"No, you have all the right to be here," she said. "But I am sorry for spoiling your solitude."
"Not at all," he said. "In fact, I was hoping for you to spoil my solitude. You said you sometimes come here at dawn, so I have been haunting this hill on several mornings, in the hope of seeing you."
"Oh, hopefully not yesterday, the weather outside was frightful."
"I suppose it was a bit humid but it was not too bad out here."
"Why?"
"I should think that much was obvious," he said. "I was hoping for a chance to speak with you privately."
"Very well," she said. It sounded more like a question than an agreement.
"Be not alarmed, madam," he said. "I promise to keep a respectful social distance and as windy as it is, if there is any bad air between us I pray that it will blow away fast enough and our tête-à-tête will not endanger your health."
Indeed, he stood quite far away, so far that it was a little hard to hear some of his words over the wind.
"Thank you for your concern, Mr. Darcy. But are you not afraid that meeting me could endanger your health?"
"That is a risk I am willing to take," he said.
"It seems that you are a fretting sort of a man, Mr. Darcy," she said. "We have been in the same general vicinity several times previously, and never died once, but you seem to think that it is a greater risk now."
"I know but after we last saw each other at church, I have been in contact with more people. We were delivering the food, and I know there was illness in some of those households. I would not wish anyone to get ill because of me... especially you."
"Especially me?"
"Yes." She waited for him to explain but he said nothing more. She shivered. The temperature -
"I am sure it would feel terrible to think someone got ill because of me," she said.
"If someone got the disease from me and then that person died..." His voice was strangled.
"Yes," she said. "But you could not be sure. They could have got it from anyone, you would not be able to tell for certain."
"I know but just the thought that I killed somebody..."
"I said you were a man without fault but I have found your character flaw now," she said. "You take upon yourself to carry a great deal of guilt for things that are not in your power. It is a great conceit as you are not omnipotent."
"It feels like almost nothing is in my power now," he said. "I have heard nothing from my sister or my cousins. I have had no mail from Pemberley. I have no idea if they are all right and if they are not there is nothing I can do about it."
"Oh, there has been no mail for us either. Mr. Collins was supposed to take the mail coach to return to Hunsford but the driver was ill so it was cancelled, and now he is panicking because he cannot even send a letter to Lady Catherine."
"An express rider costs a fortune now, if he could find one," Mr. Darcy said.
"Well, I dare say it serves your aunt right," Miss Elizabeth said. "If she has to do without her parson it is her own fault as she is the one who told him to go travelling in the middle of an epidemic."
"There are so many things one should not do in the middle of an epidemic. I wonder when things are going to get back to normal again."
"What would you do now if things were back to normal?"
"Under more normal circumstances, I would have called at Longbourn, and we might have gone on a walk in the garden, with one of your sisters to vouch for propriety. But Bingley told me your mother has been quite anxious of having any visitors, and I would not wish to expose your family members if it is not necessary to speak with them."
"And you think it is necessary to speak with me?"
"It is my desire to speak with you. But it is your choice to speak with me." He waited for a while. "One word from you and I will walk away."
She said nothing.
"Thank you," he said.
"Mr. Darcy, I must profess to some curiosity, because I remember a time when we had the opportunity for some private conversation in a lovely room at Netherfield. There was a nice fire and comfortable chairs. You used that opportunity to say very little to me, and by very little I mean, nothing at all. And suddenly now it is so very urgent to have a conversation that you would flout propriety, brave the elements, and risk catching your death for a chance to speak with me alone."
"I had plenty of things I wanted to say to you that day but at the time I thought it best I should not. You already know that I am a fool so that comes as no surprise to you."
"Well, I dare say it is of no matter. You do have the right to remain silent and not speak to me. I am not injured by some quiet time, although it feels very strange to me as I spout off nonsense all the time."
She promptly proved herself wrong as there was a long silence and no one spouted off anything.
"I wish we could feel comfortable with each other also when not speaking," Mr. Darcy said.
"I suppose it just takes more silence," she said. "I am told Lady Catherine says there can be no excellence without constant practice."
"I look forward to it," he said. "It will be my honour to spend time with you saying nothing."
Following that remark, they did spend some time saying nothing. It was not a terribly uncomfortable silence. In fact it was not a silence at all, as the wind was howling louder, and his horse pranced around snorting and whinnying.
Finally Miss Elizabeth thought they had practiced enough for now. "You said you desired to speak with me. Was there a particular topic or did you just want to study my accent?"
"When we were previously on this hill you expressed some opinions about some of my bad choices, and they have stayed with me. I wanted another chance to apologize for my churlish comments at the assembly, and for anything else that you think requires an apology, and I hope we could start over on better terms."
"Oh, it is quite all right," Miss Elizabeth said. "You called me tolerable, I called you a proud, conceited buffoon. At this point, we are even, or more likely it is you who are owed a bigger apology."
"Oh, please, you do not need to apologize," Mr. Darcy said. "My sin was greater than yours as you told the truth as you see it, and what I said was a blatant falsehood."
"So I am intolerable after all?"
"No, I mean that you tempt me immensely."
"No doubt I tempt you to box my ears." Miss Elizabeth laughed but he did not join in the merriment.
Instead he looked at her seriously and said, "Miss Elizabeth, you took me to task for failing to consider your feelings at the assembly, and you were quite right, it was unconscionable of me. I realize this is quite belated but would you now do me the honour of telling me how you felt?"
This was not a question that Miss Elizabeth had been expecting to hear, so it took her a bit of time to consider her response. (You may count that as practice if you wish.) "I was hurt at first, I suppose, that I was not worth any notice. But everybody is always comparing the other Bennet girls to Jane and finding us wanting, so I was able to laugh at that. It is true that Jane is prettier than I am, but it was just funny that a complete stranger came in, took one look at me and said what everybody always says."
"First impressions can be deceiving," said Mr. Darcy. "When I took another look I saw your fine eyes and your expression and the way you moved around the room, and I was enchanted."
"It is very kind of you to say so."
"I am not being kind," he said. "Anything else?"
"Eventually I reasoned that as you knew nothing about me it must be more a reflection of you and your surliness than an assessment of me. You have a long list of real reasons to despise me now but at the time I thought it was merely a sign that you are a disagreeable person and I gave myself leave to dislike you freely."
"Surely you must know by now that I could never despise you."
"I said some quite cruel things about you."
"If you think those things you should always tell me. Otherwise how would I know what I did to offend you?"
"Why would you want to know?"
"I find that your opinion is of some importance to me."
The silence lasted a few beats. Eventually she laughed, mostly at herself.
"This is going to take some time to process, Mr. Darcy. I was so convinced that you held me and everyone I love in contempt, but if you actually like me, then it may be that everything else that I thought I knew about you is wrong too."
"Ask me anything," he said. "For you, I am an open book."
"How fortunate," she said. "I love books."
This made him smile. He was really quite devastatingly handsome when he smiled, she thought. For some reason, the words heartfelt delight came to mind.
"There is a big library at Pemberley," he said. "Much better than the one at Netherfield.."
"Speaking of Netherfield, Mr. Bingley has invited Jane and the rest of us to inspect the house later today," she said. "So while you were worried about our potential exposure here on this hill, it is likely a moot question as we are going to mingle in closer quarters than this."
"Oh, I was not aware," he said. "I have been trying to keep out of Bingley's way these past few days as he has had some family issues to sort out before his marriage."
"I was not even sure we would go before this morning. My mother has been quite anxious about being in company with so many people but in the end she reasoned that Jane's life will change and there will be new family members and that takes precedence. She has to know that Jane will be in good hands."
"
Bingley is a good man."
"So what family matters is Mr. Bingley trying to solve then? Does his family not approve of Jane?"
"I believe the Hursts will be supportive," he said. "But Miss Bingley has been pouting very loudly. She had planned Bingley's wedding to a duke's daughter or some such society paragon and was not at all prepared to see Bingley making up his own mind."
"I am sure it is the worst thing that anyone could ever say to criticize Jane, and the only negative thing that would be true: She is not a duke's daughter. Otherwise she is all that is good."
"Bingley would agree with you."
"And you? Do you approve?"
"I suppose the engagement seemed rather fast, and had Bingley requested my opinion I might have suggested greater caution. But he did not ask, and nobody who saw them at church on Sunday could have any doubts that it was a love match. I imagine the heightened emotions of this fraught time helped them to put things in perspective and they saw no reason to wait to be happy"
"Jane has been ridiculously happy, and I think it should be illegal to smile so much."
"She has a right to feel joyful."
"I just hope Miss Bingley does not ruin their honeymoon. I was well aware of her disdain of me when Jane was ill and if she takes similar cheap shots at Jane I imagine her attitude might cause some strain even for people in newly-wed bliss."
"The reason she disdains you is because I told her that you have beautiful eyes."
She laughed at this, more shocked than amused.
"Has she never had a chance to charm you?" she asked.
"She is a spoiled youngest child who thinks that if she complains long enough she will get her way."
"I am going to take that as a no," she said. "She sounds rather like Lydia."
"I think it is too late to change Miss Bingley," he said. "But your sister is young and she might still be susceptible to good influences."
"Or the absence of bad ones," she said. "The one good thing about this epidemic is that unscrupulous characters have a more difficult time meeting people to corrupt."
"Yes," he said. "Restricting their access seems like a good idea."
"Do you think this crisis will change people for the better or for the worse?"
At first he did not respond. But it was not an awkward silence, more like a thoughtful one.
"I think both," he finally said. "Miss Bingley seems somehow worse, more self-centred and more irritable. Perhaps she always was, but she had more society to distract her. But I think all this has done Bingley some good. Usually he is so yielding and hates conflicts, so he has let Miss Bingley get her way too often just to avoid an argument. But ever since he decided to throw in his lot with Miss Bennet he has seemed more able to stand up for what he believes, more able to trust that he is doing the right thing, better able to disregard Miss Bingley's complaints."
"And the Hursts?"
"Hurst seems like a frivolous fellow but constant jesting is his way of coping with the impossible situation. But I believe you can count on him when it matters," he said. "Mrs. Hurst seems rather fearful of the fever but lately I have seen her disagree with her sister more as well. Miss Bingley has been quite dismissive of her fears, and I think the Hursts see that Bingley is happy with her engagement but Miss Bingley is just focused on money and social status."
"Is spending the lockdown in her company really so bad then?"
"Let me put it this way," he said. "If I am ever sentenced to prison they will count this as time served."
"Poor Jane," she said.
"God bless Mrs. Bingley."
This was something they could agree on so there was another moment of companionable silence.
She was the one to break it again.
"And you? How have you changed?"
"Oh, definitely for the worse," he said. "I know you have always regarded me as an unsociable thing but there is a good chance that before this is all over I will be a hermit on the hill, talking only to the woodland creatures. It makes social situations quite terrifying. Whenever you meet somebody you cannot tell whether it was a friendly discussion or a death blow until two weeks later when you know if you both survived the encounter."
She was not sure if he had moved, or if she had, but they were standing much closer to each other now.
"I think you have changed for the better," she said. "You have seemed more open, less reserved, and for all that I complain about the silences I feel like we have spoken about some things I have never brought up with anyone else. It is almost like we are friends."
"Friends."
"Confidantes."
"I would that we were more than that but I will take friends and confidantes for now."
"What are you saying?"
There was another silence. Even the wind was quieter.
"I have had this recurring dream," Mr. Darcy said. "It is the worst nightmare I have ever had. I propose to you, fully expecting a favourable response, and I am completely blindsided by your hatred of me. You tell me that you despise me, and I am the last man that you could ever marry."
"The last man? That seems harsh. I am sure that is a dreadful exaggeration."
"I would hope so... but that is what you say in that dream. I am the last man you could ever be prevailed to marry because you think I am a selfish, rude, dishonourable monster, and you would rather marry anybody, else, even Wickham."
"Wickham?"
"I believe I mentioned him to you once. He is the former childhood friend who turned out to be a scoundrel. I saw him at church in Meryton."
"Oh, you did not say his name but I have made his acquaintance recently. He has joined the militia."
"He keeps turning up like a bad penny," Mr. Darcy said. "May I ask what happened when you met him?"
"He said he used to know you but you were estranged so I did wonder if he was the same person you had spoken of. He has made my aunt's acquaintance somehow, and I think he would be content to let her feed him."
"I do believe he has a way of charming his way to a meal every now and then."
"At church he was talking to Mary King... somebody told him she inherited ten thousand pounds."
"Wickham would be interested in a toothless witch if she was rich enough but ten thousand will not last him for long."
"Oh, do you think we ought to warn her?"
"Someone probably should."
"He told us a tale of woe about how you reduced him to poverty by refusing to give him a living, but when Mr. Collins advised him on how to become a curate or get another living he became very evasive, and it did not seem like he was ever even ordained."
"He is neither moral enough nor competent enough for the church. He was given a chance to be educated but he gambled away the money I gave him in exchange for the living. At the time he said he did not want to become a clergyman."
"Well, that settles it," Miss Elizabeth said. "You may rest easy on this one point at the very least. Surely a lying, penniless gambler would land on top of you on the list of everyone that I would never marry."
"I am greatly relieved to hear that."
"As I am no heiress I am sure he would not wish to marry me either," Miss Elizabeth said. "It seems that my relationship with Mr. Wickham is quite doomed."
"Lucky you."
"My mother yelled at him for being cavalier about his quarantine instructions and told us to have nothing to do with him."
"I love your mother," he said with conviction.
"She was greatly offended when he implied that he did not much care if the fever killed elderly or sickly people as long as he was all right himself."
"I find myself in complete agreement with your mother, as there are several elderly or sickly people that I would wish to survive this ordeal."
She regarded him quizzically. "Frankly, Mr. Darcy, I did not think you would ever agree with my mother on anything."
He shrugged. "Maybe we will all learn to look at some things from a different perspective during this epidemic."
"Well, this conversation has certainly been very instructive."
After a long while, he said: "It has taught me to hope."
"Hope for what?"
"Everything."
Mr. Darcy was watching the clouds, not her.
"Everything? What exactly are you asking for?"
"I am not asking for anything yet... Not until I am certain of your response. I have already been rejected in my dreams, and it was crushing. What manner of man would ask twice? First I must do whatever I can to earn your good opinion."
"I am not sure my good opinion is worth a lot of effort."
"Your good opinion is rarely bestowed and therefore more worth the earning."
"Meet Lizzy Bennet, the girl who hates everybody," she said. "No wonder I am your worst nightmare."
He was startled. "I did not mean it like that."
"I know you did not," she said. "If we are to get along you must realize that I sometimes find perverse pleasure in professing opinions that are not in fact my own."
"You would give me a pretty picture of yourself and teach me not to believe a word you say? I know you are in earnest when it matters the most."
There was another silence that felt a little ominous to him now, like the quiet before the storm. There was not even a breeze.
"I will speak to you earnestly now, if that is all right?"
"Please do."
"You said my good opinion is more worth the earning because it is so rare. But you must see that it is a fallacy. Being overly critical and negative does not make me a good judge of character. I tease Jane because she always likes everybody but if I dislike people at first sight I am no more objective and a great deal less likable."
His horse neighed, as if in some distress.
"You are used to thinking that you could marry any woman you wanted to, but you did not want any of them because at heart you are a hunter, not a gatherer. You would rather chase a difficult prey than eat the first apple that falls on your lap. I was rude to you and after Miss Bingley's insincere fawning it was a refreshing change to you. To be sure, you know no actual good of me, but nobody thinks of that when they fancy themselves in love."
"My friends would describe me as a rather prosaic character, lacking imagination. I have never been accused of being fanciful before."
"You must see that this is an aberrant situation, and you have let it influence you. I suspect the added pressure of this epidemic makes us all overly emotional. Everything seems more urgent now - it feels like it is our last chance to find love, get married, do a number of other things. If we want to carpe that diem we must carpe it now! Because we might all be dead tomorrow."
"I just feel like the epidemic has allowed me to see more clearly what I want, and what is important to me."
"And what do you want? Happiness? Jane and Bingley seem so happy so why not try getting it by jumping off the deep end like they did? And with the lockdown, it is either with Miss Bingley or with me, for you meet no other single ladies.. But surely you must see that you would never consider me in less extreme circumstances. Were things normal, had there been no fever, you would have travelled home by now, promising yourself to think about me no more. You would have listed all the reasons why you should not care for me, and all the reasons why you do not care for my situation. You would have convinced yourself that we are better off separated than in an unequal marriage."
"It would not be an unequal marriage if you could learn to love me as much as I love you."
"It would be a tragedy if you started regretting your choice."
"I could never regret you."
"I have no dowry, I am nobody in the eyes of the ton, and you could do a lot better."
"I do not need a dowry and lately I have found that I care even less for the opinions of the ton than I thought I did."
"You have often thought that the manners of my family are not what they should be. Do not try to deny it, I know it is true because I have often thought it too.
"I would love your family if it meant I could love you."
"You think so now, but what about when this epidemic is over, and you are back in London?"
"Do I have to go back?" he asked.
"Your family would hate me. I am sure they have someone high and mighty in mind for you."
"I am sure my sister and cousin Richard would like you. My aunt Catherine would hate anybody I married other than her daughter. My other aunt would be relieved that I married at all. I would cut anyone else who was rude to you."
"I would not wish to cause a rift in your family."
"It would be them causing the rift," he said.
A silence.
"I am sorry but it seems impossible," she said.
She felt some wetness on her cheek. It was rain, not tears.
Another silence lasted forever.
Suddenly he turned and quickly mounted his horse.
"I have not proposed yet, " he said fiercely, by way of goodbye. "And you have not refused. You cannot refuse me until I ask. Until then I have hope."