Addison

"Addison, what the fuck?" she says staring at me with bloodshot eyes, "How could you not tell me? It's bad enough that Meredith did this to me when we lost Derek then you go and do it too?"

I look at Meredith standing farther back away from us in a corner. It's as if she's trying to disappear. She looks back at me with guilty eyes. I know this isn't her fault. It's mine. I should've been the one to tell Amelia and I ran away leaving it on Meredith's shoulders. I silently tell her that I'm sorry and it's like she understood. It almost seems as though her face lit up a little.

I turned my attention back to Amelia but still, I have no words at all. I don't have anything to say but excuses. I should've told her the minute it happened. She shifts on her feet waiting on me to reply. When I don't, she starts pacing around the room. I know she hates me right now; I hate me too but I didn't want to ruin her wedding. I mean, the wedding was almost ruined without her even knowing about Jake's death. If she knew, she would've called it off and I didn't want to be the reason for that. I couldn't ruin her happiness because I was sad. It wasn't fair.

"You were going to have the funeral without me?" Amelia stops looking at me adamantly.

I have to answer now. She deserves an answer... but just trying to speak makes tears I didn't even know I was holding back fall, "Amelia, no. I wasn't going to have the funeral without you. I'm sorry I wasn't the one who told you. I should've called you the moment the cops pulled up outside my door, Amelia, but I couldn't. I didn't and there's nothing I can do to change that. I am hurting, but the biggest day of your life was happening. I didn't want to ruin that for you. I know it's no excuse but you were so happy. I didn't want to be the reason for your pain… Amelia, you know now; you're here and I need you but needing you requires you not hating me so please… I'm sorry."

"Addison," she says but she doesn't continue. I can see the tears swelling up in her eyes as she rushes to me taking me into her arms.

I don't know how long we stood there crying but when we do pull away I can see Meredith is in tears too. I'm so tired of crying. Usually when I'm upset, I cuddle one, most of the time all, of the kids but when Meredith and Amelia flew over to L.A. this morning she brought her three so Callie took Sofia and the rest of the gang out to some indoor inflatable playground for the day.

On that note, I excuse myself from the living room making my way out to the deck to sit on one of my beach chairs enjoying the soothing sounds of the water. I've missed this. I just, I can't stay in L.A. Jake grew up in this city. He knew everything about it and we went just about everywhere in it. Just being back in this house right now has my emotions all over the place.

I hear the screen door open and close then Meredith appears at my side with two glasses of wine. I gladly take one and she has a seat next to me. We drink in silence. I close my eyes, letting the sounds of the waves overcome me. I hear the door open and close again then again about thirty seconds later. When I open my eyes to look over I see Meredith but this time with the bottle.

"Just in case you needed a refill because I know I do," she says pouring herself another glass.

I close my eyes looking away from her. I sigh before speaking up quietly, "I'm sorry."

"Huh? For what?" she sounds confused.

I sit up turning around to face her, "For putting you in… in this. I should've been the one to tell Amelia and I left that on you so I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I've done this before," she says with a shrug and a hint of a smirk on her lips.

I squint my eyes at her picking up the bottle and my empty glass, "Was that supposed to be a joke, Meredith Grey?"

"You know? Death is such a weird subject… and you'd think witnessing it everyday would sort of make you immune but it doesn't. I don't know exactly how it makes me feel… Did you know that when Izzie is uncomfortable she laughs? Like in tears, rolling on the floor laughing…" she says and this makes me smile a little then she continues, "She laughed at George's funeral… It made all of us laugh. I mean, it was bad but it also felt kind of good. I guess it sort of helped us get in tune with how we really felt. I'm sure other people just thought we were losing it."

"Wow," I say concerned but I can feel a smile creeping onto my face, "that's… wow."

"Yeah… I wonder how she is nowadays… She kind of disappeared on us," she shrugs.

I frown a little sipping my wine, "Is Amelia mad at me still?"

"I don't think so,' she shakes her head, "She just said that she was exhausted and went upstairs to take a nap."

"I remember Amelia living here… that was a blast," I joke. Meredith just looks at me concerned but I just continue speaking, "One night I came home to her and some guy in their birthday suits, drunk as I don't know what, right here on the deck."

"Oh my," she says.

I just nod, "Yeah, I mean, you wonder why we call her Hurricane Amelia. She was always wild; even as a little girl… And I know, she tries to act tough but she's as soft as it gets… The girl is so strong though… I admire that about her."

"You're the same way," Meredith says after a short silence, "I mean, you act tough but you're really not. And even when you're dying inside, on the outside you're as strong as… as Hercules… Sorry, it's all of the kids movies plus the wine."

"I understand," I laugh, "I feel like I watch more kids shows now than I did when I was actually a kid."

"Right?" she looks up at me smiling, "But I'm serious, you should also admire yourself. All of my emotions show on my face… but you… you are incredulously strong. I wish I had your strength… When Derek died, I ran away with the kids for a year without contacting anyone and on top of that had a baby. Imagine how much better that whole situation could've gone if I had your strength."

"Oh, shush. You lost your husband… You're allowed to be irrational and crazy. And at least you came back, right?" I say looking deeply into her eyes. I reach over trying to console her by squeezing her thigh, "You're entitled to go a little crazy when you lose someone you love. He was there and it was any other regular day and you kiss goodbye like you do everyday. He gets in his car driving away and you don't even know that it's the last time you'll ever see each other again. It's crazy. So yeah, you're entitled to go a little insane. So don't look back with regret… just try to consume yourself with all the positive memories."

"Thanks," she says looking down to the glass in her hand before looking back up to me.

We stare at each other for a moment not saying anything yet saying everything… I never knew how much the two of us had in common until now. I mean, aside for the dead husband thing… we were both were raised by doctors, both of our families are WASPs… both of our parents were absent growing up… we were both raised by nannies, both of our mothers were cheaters… both of our fathers are drunks… we both have some kind of fatherly connection with Richard… I mean… the list could go on. The only real difference between us is that Meredith is Tequila and I'm Gin.

The sliding door whooshes open again. I look up to see a baffled Callie standing in the doorway. Callie's eyes immediately goes to my hand which I now realize is still on Meredith's thigh. I pull it back quickly looking up to her with a nervous smile.

She smirks at me, "I didn't mean to interrupt."

"You didn't," I laugh then I give her an 'evil' look.

She playfully rolls her eyes at me before looking between the both of us, "I was just letting you two know that I was back with the kids."

"Great, thanks Callie," Meredith says sipping her wine.

Callie steps further onto the porch looking to me, "When are Naomi and Sam getting here?"

"Oh, I almost forgot," I say looking down at my watch, "their flight was scheduled to touch down about thirty minutes ago. I wonder where they are."

I get up from my seat making my way back into the house when Henry walks up to me with arms stretched up and I scoop him up into my arms like always, "Hey, baby, did you have fun today at the inflatable park?"

He just nods and lays his head on my chest. I know immediately something's up. I reach the counter where my phone is and I see I have three missed calls. Two from Naomi and one from Sam. I text them apologizing for missing their calls then I turn back to the little boy in my arms, "What's wrong baby?"

"It's just… at first I was sad that we left but now that we're back at home I'm even sadder. I keep seeing Daddy and it makes me sad because I know he's not really here," he admits letting his tears fall and I just hold onto him tight wiping his eyes and mine.

It takes me a minute to get my words together before I speak up again, "I know what you mean. Every time someone comes through the door, I'm expecting to see your dad… I know it sucks but I also know that it won't always. It just takes time… Until then, we will do whatever it takes to help us feel better even if it requires moving or driving all around the world to try all the different flavors of ice cream."

"That sounds like a good idea," he said through his tears and I smiled faintly.

I'd do whatever it takes to put a smile on this little boy's face. I know what losing someone you love is like. I know how it feels to have your heart ripped out of your chest. Now he feels it too but it's worse because he doesn't understand why it hurts so much. Losing a parent is hard… It took me weeks to even speak after losing Bizzy and she wasn't anywhere near as great of a parent as Jake was… and I was an adult.

I hold on tightly to the little boy in my arms as I make my way back across the room towards the porch. I stop in my tracks when I hear a car pull up out front and I make a u-turn back towards the door. Opening the door, I watch Naomi, Sam and the rest of their family pile out the truck.

"Oh my god," I say to myself when my goddaughter, her husband and child get out of the car. She's going to be twenty-four on the first and when I see her, I still imagine that little baby girl that I birthed, "Maya!"

"Aunty Addison!" she says enveloping me in a hug then kissing Henry on the forehead, "I've missed you guys so much."

"How's Columbia?" I beam proudly.

Maya smiles hard, "One more year and then maybe you'll see me at Seattle Grace."

"Oh, wow. Congrats," I smile hugging her tightly.

Naomi interrupts, "You know she only went to Columbia because you graduated from there."

"Well I can't help it if I'm the favorite mom," I joke as she hugs me.

Then she looks to Henry and pouts, "Oh, my baby boy, come here."

"Auntie Omi," he whimpers as I transfer him from me to her. He latches on to her like he wasn't even with me a few seconds ago and she sticks out her tongue at me as she walks away.

Maya's husband walks up next and we hug, "Hey, Aunt Addison."

"Dink," I say as we pull away, "how have you been?"

"I actually like to go by Fillmore now… You know, since I'm older," he laughs at himself along with me, "But I'm good. I can't believe Olivia is seven. I still remember the day she was born, thanks to you."

"I know, it's crazy how fast kids grow up," I say to him as someone else walks up to the door.

I turned around to see Sam walking up to me holding little Grayson, "Hey, Addison, it's been a long time."

"Yeah, I hate that the first time we've all been together in years had to be for a funeral," I frown then I look over to the little man on his hip, "Hey, Grayson, buddy. Gosh, you've gotten so big! How old are you now?"

"Twree!" he shouts holding up his fingers.

I smile widely, "Gosh, I remember when you were this small," I say gesturing with my fingers until I'm literally crashed into with a huge hug.

I look down and I see little Olivia wrapped around my legs, "Hey, Livy!"

"Hi, Auntie Addie!" she lets go of me and runs into the house, "Where's Henry?"

"He's with your grandma!" I shout then I look over to Sam laughing.

He puts Grayson down on the ground and he takes off down the hall, "You know Naomi is going to kill you if she hears you calling her that."

"She likes to be called Gigi," a young girl's voice calls out from behind us.

I turn around in the doorway to see Betsey who is literally almost my height, "Whoa, squirt! I'm going to have to come up with a new nickname for you. When'd you get so tall?"

"Over the school year I guess," she says as she takes me into a hug.

I pull her back looking at her, "And you have breasts!"

"I'm almost fourteen," she said playfully rolling her eyes as she walks away, "Gosh, you're so embarrassing!"

"Well, I try," I smile as she makes her way into the house. That looks like it's everyone. I close the door behind us and make my way deeper into the house.

With everyone being here, I thought it would seem less foreign… less cold… less lonely and I'm not the only one who feels it. Henry feels it so I'm sure the twins and Everett feel it too. Watching everyone chat over wine and cheese in the living room is making me feel really isolated. I mean, I know it doesn't help that I'm got myself basically stuffed into a corner but I thought that having people around would make me feel better. It doesn't. I feel more alone than ever.

The doorbell rings. Cooper, Charlotte, Mason and the triplets walk in. I wonder who answered the door… I wonder who invited them over. They probably heard that Naomi and Sam were in town and invited themselves over. If they are here then that means Violet isn't far behind.

It's confirmed when about ten minutes later, the doorbell rings again this time letting in Violet and Lucas. I know Henry will be happy to see one of his favorite friends. They seem to just slip right into the crowd of people in my house. I don't even think anyone realizes that I've slipped away. They all seem to be enjoying themselves… I'm glad they're all happy meanwhile I'm in misery. At least the kids seem to be happier than they were when we arrived a few days ago.

They were happy to see their big sister but they weren't happen as to why they were seeing her. It was a sad moment really… Angela was halfway across the world studying abroad when I called her to tell her about her father. She finished up her work and took an twenty-one hour flight from South Africa to get here Wednesday morning to help plan the funeral.

She's staying in a hotel until the funeral tomorrow. Staying here at the house was too much for her… and she didn't live here nor did she grow up here so I know it's probably a million times harder for Henry right now. Gosh, I'd kill to be young enough to not understand death at this moment. I envy Everett and the twins right now. Being old enough to know something's missing but still young enough to not fully understand the depths of it…

"Addison," someone whispers and I look over to see Meredith Grey walking up to me with two glasses of wine. She passes one over to me and then just stands here.

I sip on my glass then I eye Meredith, "Why are you whispering?"

"You're hiding in the corner…"

"No, I'm not," I say siping from my glass then I sigh, "Okay, so yeah… I'm hiding."

"You feel even more alone than you felt before everyone got here?" she asks. I look at her surprised then my face drops when I remember why she would know this. She just nods, "Yeah, I thought having friends around would help too… They do; just not at first. Right now they're annoying… with their annoyingly happy faces and lives and kids and you wanna just smack them because although they're trying to help they really don't know how to help… They're just making things worse."

"No one but you even noticed that I wasn't really here… I mean, I can't really blame them for not understanding how I'm feeling… I just, I don't know," I shrug after looking around at all the people then back to her.

She nods then scopes out the living room. I watch as her eyes rest on the bottle of wine in the kitchen. She starts to walk away, "Come sit with me on the porch… I'll refill your glass."

Watching her walk away, I realized I rather have a drink with her than hide out in a corner all night. I slip away and out to the porch where Meredith already claimed a chair. I sit down next to her holding up my empty glass. She refills it and I sip it smiling, "You've been really good to me, Meredith Grey. Thank you."