My Other Worldly Harem Curb Stomp is Wrong as Expected (SNAFU)
Yahari Ore no Seishun Love Come wa Machigatteiru is created by Wataru Watari and published by Shogakukan.
Familiar of Zero is made by Noboru Yamaguchi and is published by Media Factory (though I only know the J.C. Staff production).
Neither is owned by me nor do I have any power over them.
With that, Siesta announces her presence.
I wish to make a quick recap of a day that I will never forget. I talked to the number three and four on the list of people important to me about what our relationship would be (number one is, of course, Komachi and number two is the holy grail known as Totsuka) and proceeded to be ripped away from my reality and instead take on the form of my dream job.
Even still, regarding events that I have now been thrust into, my mind is incapable of keeping up. I have never been one with unlimited stamina. In fact, just an average conversation is enough to exhaust me physically, emotionally, and mentally. That is to say, I am one who does not have conversations.
Until being in that club.
Being with those people was enough to make me talk more, to the point of it being something I almost looked forward to. I would go so far as to say that conversations with Yukinoshita were easy. Yes, she used many difficult words and phrases, but I am confident in my modern Japanese if nothing else. There was a flow I was able to have with her that made each passing sentence easy to say. It felt that with each breath we danced to a tune only we heard using only words. It is a special thing to me.
Yuigahama was not quite the opposite, but she did not exist in the same way as Yukinoshita. Being with her was easy as well, but in a way that always felt… off. Being alone with Yuigahama was not a common thing in the way Yuikinoshita and I would have quiet passings. Instead, Yuigahama always felt like she was filling unseen voids to complete the conversation the way it was supposed to. It almost was a superpower with how easily she did it. Even yesterday, she almost made the decision she tried forcing a reality.
Then there is the whole portal thing.
I am a teenage boy, thus I am perfectly capable of pulling all-nighters with my one true love, Vita-chan, but to be summoned at the end of one day and the beginning of another with a meager amount of MAX is just asking too much out of someone.
And then…
A kiss.
Unwanted and lewd someone kissed me. Who do I report it to? Still, the feeling of breath on my lips as soft contact locked us in one in a fleeting moment was, unexpected. Unwanted? Good?
Back to conversations, I was expected to still have them after having no sleep for quite some time. Little miss summoner who wished to be referred to as master (no thanks, that has never been something I have enjoyed) wanted to have them with me telling me about the situation I had found myself in. The Summoning ritual or whatever was conducted by second years at the "Tristain Academy of Magic" for freaking magic. I really was transported to an isikai world, or into a cult. I would say the portal leads to me believing the former, but drugs could make me believe the latter.
She also thought his argument of not being from around here a total falsehood and the concept of not having any magic even more so, though his exhaustion made him wave off her argument with little counter.
I felt like this conversation should be supervised by an adult, and when I say adult I mean a real one (looking at you sensei; I just got shivers), to try to teach the proper boundaries that needed to be set. Scantly clad young girls in their rooms was not a way I would ever like to have a conversation about the drastic change in my life ever again. She even told me the scaring on the back of my hand was the sign that she was the one who owned me. A disgusting premise. Also, it was irreversible, and had no way to send me home. Wonderful…
All of that did not change after becoming a househusband, losing my friends and family, and coming to a foreign world, when told I was sleeping in the same room as the child that stole my first kiss I put up no argument.
That all being the case…
Why am I sleeping on a small pile of hay?
Now, I am not one who has lived a life of luxury… oh who am I kidding compared to everyone here I lived as a king. The bed Louise sprawled on was one much less comfortable than the one in my former home, their heating units were nonexistent, and they had no electricity to speak of! What world had no computers?!
I am sorry Isekai gods, but I wish to return to my home world, despite your granting my wish of being a househusband now is not the time given my current situation back home. Maybe ask me after I have been brutally dumped by a woman who then proceeds to enter into a relationship with our mutual best friend, but for now, I wish to be home.
Wow, am I becoming Iroha? That is twice in as many days I have summoned her speech.
Scary…
Through the small window (that this stupid girl left open despite not giving me a blanket; I will catch a cold you know! Louise I demand better compensation!) a pair of moons dance in the sky. Looks like we are not in Kansas anymore Toto. The final nail in the coffin of my life danced outside my widow, mocking my hope to return home to both family and friends. I definitely was not hallucinating an entire moon.
"Stupid familiar shut up," the small voice of my master calls in the night. Hey, I was not even speaking, and you sleep like the dead. How can you even hear me? Are you a mind reader or something?
"Fireball," hehe lucky for me you have no weapon. It is nicely tucked upon your dresser table. Your foul sorcery has no power here. Maybe I should crawl in bed with her, not to do anything that Yukinoshita would accuse me of, but just to get some warmth. That bed is giant, and she barely takes up any space. For my safety, and to best perform my job, I should be allowed in. Right?
I can smell the bad end from here. I have played countless VN's from a variety of publishers and I doubt I have a stupid power like, 'Every time I die, I get brought back to a certain point in time,' and even if I did, I would hope to never use it. I very much like the idea of not dying thank you very little. Maybe I will have powers like an RPG or stupidly overpowered magic. Can I at least get a Dig**on or something? Anything to make this more tolerable.
Despite going full chuuni in the bathroom before I entered this cold hell with the tiny bitch, I failed to unlock anything that could hope to be considered special.
I knew it, I was summoned only to be a househusband. There is no other explanation. I feel bad for writing it now on my work-study of destiny form. Is this the universe telling me no matter what path I choose I would be unable to seduce any woman to fulfill the role for me, and only by forcing me upon a child could I get a similar experience?
Dear universe, I
Hate you so much. You gross me out
Die in a fire
Hachiman.
Hmm.
That might have worked... constructing a haiku really does help one enter a relaxed state. Well here goes nothing cold, I will deal with you tomorrow.
"SNORE"
GODDAMNIT!
Stupid sun and your stupid light. I live in a world with curtains that should always be shut to keep your evil touches away from me. The sun is a constant reminder of a 9 to 5 job, or the evilest thing to exist. Add to that the sleep I got last night was… negligible, and we get a Hachiman with dead fisheyes which have also rotted out and fallen to the floor.
She asked me to wake her and to do her chores. I decided to sleep instead. What is the worse she can threaten me with? The couch? Please it would be an upgrade.
But perhaps…
If I do what she wishes maybe, just maybe, I can get a bed or at least a blanket.
Wait, how is this even remotely correct? I feel like I am living in human rights violation right now. I wonder if they have a JISHA I can report this to.
I gather up the cloth from around the room into a small wicker basket. It is like doing Komachi's laundry, I feel absolutely nothing grabbing this small piece of cloth, just as seeing her lay in bed I feel absolutely no amount of lust for her. She is even 1,000,000% less cute than my wonderful Imoto. Ah, I bet that gained me a lot of Komachi points.
Quietly opening the door, I start down the stairs. Where oh where would a washroom be? I suppose I could wash them in the bathroom, though I doubt that would do well on the cloth.
Hmm, where oh where should I go?
Maybe I can find the help?
This is the time to use one of my 108 skills, Compass Hikki, years of searching for manga and other things of the like have allowed me to find completely pointless things by wondering in the correct direction. This is a skill even I don't know how I developed but has helped me exactly never.
Dressed in the odd robes I was given yesterday by Hayato 2.0 I entered into another of the Skills: Stealth Hikki, the ability to blend seamlessly into my surroundings so as to never be singled out: WARNING this skill does not work when someone is actively seeking me out, source: Yuigahama.
I would not be walking to the clubroom with her today, would I? Inside my chest, my heart told me how much that really hurt. Days of being assaulted by her full smile left the knowledge that I would not see it utterly painful.
Compass Hikki! Stealth Hikki! Back to that!
By stacking these skills, I am now able to seamlessly slip past "the help" and into the open grove of the previous day's summoning. There, in the morning light, an angel sits doing laundry. What a looker she is, with beautiful black hair and soft blue eyes as well as an impressive bust.
Oh, she saw me.
How do I know that?
She looks like she is going to be sick. I can imagine a Yuikinoshita line right now coming from the way her face is twisted. "I feel like you are going to assault me if your dead fish eyes linger on me any longer." Well, jokes on you Yuikinoshita, you could never have this woman overlaid on you. As I walk forward her large eyes follow me with a strange amount of disgust.
Hey, I don't look that bad, right?
"Can I help you?" The girl crouched before this strangely ornate fountain says. Hey, lady, what's with that harsh look? You will make me cry you knnoooww. Have it in your heart to not look at me like a villain from a time long ago. I am not the demon lord I swear. Do you delight in the pain and misery of others? Are you a sadist?
Wait. Another Iroha moment. These are getting more frequent.
Scary.
"Sir?" She questioned me again. The patients in her voice is ruined by the frustration in the undertone. She must really hate me. What did I do? Did I kick your puppy? I promise it is a false allegation. I'll have you know I jumped in front of a car to save a dog. That makes me a good person, so please stop looking at me like I am skum.
"Sorry," I bow my head despite doing no wrong. Proper respect gets you a long way in life, source: my parents. By asking forgiveness in a situation such as this I might be able to turn the tides of this into a good thing for myself. "Could I borrow some soap and do this laundry?" Eyes down Hachiman. Be prepared to grovel until victory is assured. I keep my head in a proper bow waiting for the response.
"What?" Her voice was harsh. I could imagine her being titan size looking down on my puny form with eyes blocked out and sinister writing appearing from the sides. She had such energy. Geeze lady, I know I have fisheyes and all but what did I do to deserve this? Did I seriously accidentally kick your puppy?
Glancing up I see her face resembles more shock than it does fury at my suggestion, perhaps I jump to conclusions too quickly. Sensei did tell me that I need to slow down and think over everything before I come to my answer. "To do this laundry," I point at the offending basket with a mixture of mine and Louise's clothes, "I need some soap. I do not know where to buy said soap and thus would like to borrow yours," Hoping to not offend her I explain like I am talking to a Yuiga… child, yes a child. I meant that to sound like I meant a child and not a child hiding in a well-developed teenage body. Nope, not one chance.
"I guess," the words came out slow. Those two words felt like as much thought went into them as me trying to solve an algebraic equation. She continued to watch me with a suspecting eye. Hey, I did nothing to deserve this woman. Stop looking at me like I am a known felon. I'll have you know my record is clean.
"Thank you," I give her another bow, deep and low, there you go. How many laces do I have today… and done. Coming from the bow I checked out her face again. Strangely, her eyes bore surprise at my action. I wonder how I went from receiving suspicious glares to that expression. Did I look that untrustworthy? Was Yukinoshita right about me all along? Squatting a bit away from her at the fountain I make short work of the chore I was tasked, coping the motions of the maid on my left I did away with the soot which covered every bit of the clothes of my kidnapper. Hey, that is right. I was kidnapped.
Seriously how is everything she owns covered in soot?
After the grind, I wash my own clothes that I arrived in, being extra careful in the regions where offensive actions had taken place. Wow, me, wait to go, pissing yourself in the new world. What a sight I am. Isekai gods kindly execute yourselves. I knowingly mumbled as I washed.
The unfortunate thing about mumbling is it makes people think you want to have a conversation. My source of this. Well…
"Those are some strange clothes," the maid points to my clothes in an overexaggerated motion. One that just so happens to have other effects be overexaggerated. Eh, I have strange clothes? Coming from the person wearing fetish clothing I don't see the leg you are standing on. Jeans, a blank shirt, and a brown jacket are normal items that everyone should have your crazed creation intended to increase sales by hitting on fetishes.
I bet you are on the cover of at least 4 of these trash light novels.
"They are normal where I come from," I argue back. For some reason rather than an insult at me, it felt like an insult against Japan. That must be why I dumbly entered a conversation with her, and a hostile one at that.
"Where you come from?" At this point, she was dismissing her own cleaning in favor of focusing on me.
"Yep." I quickly answer back, hoping everything will end. I did not get any sleep after a stupidly long day. Why is she talking to me? Stop, please. I was not prepared for this moment. I cannot handle encounters of this level at this moment. I will be ready in 3 days past never.
"Where is that?" Her head tilted in a way that prevented me from just shutting this all down. At the end of the day, she was a certifiable cutie, I had no defense against that.
"Japan, it's- " I started, wishing more than anything that this all would stop.
"Where my grandfather is from!" Her basket goes flying. Wow, those clothes are quite a ways in the fountain missy, maybe you shouldn't throw them that far. Focused on the flying laundry I was unprepared for her to fill my entire vision. What? What is this new attack? Way too close, move back, please. What are you doing? Let go of my hands! Stop looking at me with those huge brown eyes. Look I have fisheyes here. Scary right? Please look away. I am begging you. One of my many skills is the fisheye loner look: one glance causes all eye contact to break. I have not done anything to master this other than being born. It is an attack that may as well be considered my Ultimate!
She is still looking into them. What? I am too under-leveled for this encounter. This attack even beats final boss types like Haruno-Maou-san on occasion. What metal is this girl made from? Are you the hero of this story? What the heck maid-sama. Show mercy on this exhausted and under-leveled pion.
"Everyone always said he was crazy. But now someone else knows of Japan." Bouncy bouncy, "How can I get there?" Wow, she really is Yuigahama, even speaking at her insane speed. I feel like half of what she said I completely missed. What monster are you, woman? And given the iron grip on my hands, her strength is unparalleled. My hands were actually hurting.
Maybe her intelligence stat is lower than a useless goddess. That is the only way to balance such a dangerous foe.
"I don't know." Hachiman is hit with gibber speech. He tries to use [end conversation] but failed in confusion.
"How do you not know? You got here." Sound logic. Something I could not immediately shut down. Unfortunately, I was still suffering from my status condition of confusion, so instead of saying something sensible like, 'Sorry, I have to go. I'll tell you later,' and then proceed to never see this person again I stupidly answered her.
"I don't know how I got here." Wow. Showing off that great command of the Japanese language there.
"How?" Despite that look, you are giving me I am not an idiot. I score high in History and Japanese Literature courses, you kkknnnnoooooowwwww.
"I was kidnapped by an extra-dimensional portal and forced into a slave-like relationship with a little girl who has hyper aggression issues," my reserves are running low. Lack of sleep and such a difficult encounter so early in the morning is wearing thin on my already stressed mental state. Because of that, I explain the situation I know in the most clinical way I could. Not my best moment.
"What?" Did she have visible question marks over her head this entire time? What happened here? Oh right. I am dealing with Yuigahama here. No big words. "I was summoned from another world." Middle finger Isekai gods. Middle finger.
"What?" Lady, your head looks like it's going to fall off. What I said was not that hard. Adding to that I am physically unable to conversate with you anymore. This has gone on long enough. My actions at this point felt more like preprogrammed responses than anything I had actual input in.
"Japan is not on 'this world,' it exists on a different world." I don't know how I could say that in a simpler way.
"That is what grandpa always said as well." She pondered it for a moment. If that was true then why did you ask me? When you already know the answer, asking the question is rude. Who cares about any of that? Maybe now I can escape.
Oh Hikki, you dummy. You forgot you were still afflicted with the [grab] condition. "Cool," secret technique, one mastered via the teen-child, one-word responses to clear conversations quickly. If this were in fact a Visual Novel, at my current moment I am just pressing the spacebar and ignoring dialogue completely. I feel dead on my feet in such a way she could say "The sky is red," and I would agree completely. This has never steered me wrong in life.
"I always wanted to see the Japan he spoke so highly of. With its strange magics and whatnot." She is still bouncing and holding my hand. I am shutting down here. Please have mercy,
"Ya." Option 1.
"But he always said I couldn't go cuz of the whole other world thing." I have no idea how long we played this game. My wish to live dwined with every dialogue option I blindly picked.
"Right." Option 249.
"And now you have to marry me."
"Of course." Option 250.
"And do the chores." How was she still talking?
"Absolutely." Option 251.
"And take me to Japan." Still, going?
"Righto." Option 252.
"Thank you for your time." Sweet bliss. A conversation ender. With that, my mind clicks back into consciousness from its semi-sleep of before. I think I saved enough energy with that move to make it back to Louise's room by using that trick. Overpowered ability am I right? It breezes through dumb dialogue tags easy peasy.
"Thanks for the soap," I say with another bow.
"I'll see you at breakfast." What once was a sneer was a wickedly large smile.
"Sure, sure," really this conversation is still happening. Leave woman. Be gone. You are scaring me with your boomerang emotions.
"Bye," she quickly collected the rest of the clothes she was washing. Strange, even the ones in the fountain were in the basket. When did she retrieve them? Were they all dry already? What power does this creature have? With a sly smile, she left.
Wait. What was that smile? That was an Iroha smile. No worse. A Haruno-moau-san one. A final boss indeed.
At least it sounds like a dining hall exists, so one of my many chores of [cook] as a househusband is already done by someone else.
Nice.
Using Stealth Hikki I arrive back to the room without incident. Especially odd was the large knocker woman patrolling the hall outside my kidnapper's room. I wonder why? Maybe they were really good friends, kinda like how Yumiko would tease Yuigahama. Although she seemed to be teased by her more aggressively, like me in middle school against anyone with a pulse.
Oh well, not my problem.
Slipping in the door the gremlin still sleeps. Must be nice. Setting a line, I hang the clothes to dry. Midmorning. Grab her some clothes and wake her probably. My ancestors bless me she has presorted outfits hung. Wait, that means I need to assemble outfits when I put them away. I revoke my praise ancestors, like always, you give me a bad deal. Welp, grabbing some panties and a bra (they are advanced enough for breast support here?). I place the outfit on her near the bedstand and take the wand to the other one. Given her… peculiar habit of exploding me, this is probably a good idea so that I make it to breakfast unscathed.
"Good morning sleepy head," and with that, I learned my blunder.
She is dangerous even without a wand.
Edited 12/23/22