My Other Worldly Harem Curb Stomp is Wrong as Expected (SNAFU)
Yahari Ore no Seishun Love Come wa Machigatteiru is created by Wataru Watari and published by Shogakukan.
Familiar of Zero is made by Noboru Yamaguchi and is published by Media Factory (though I only know the J.C. Staff production).
Neither is owned by me nor do I have any power over them.
Sadly, comparisons to Hayama were overblown
I had never seen such a small thing cause so much destruction in my life. She was closer to that of a rabid beast than a true human. So much strength in such a small form, maybe she was the end boss. Maybe she had some different magic than everyone else, that was named something truly evil like dark, or black, or void, or evil, or ow. My face hurt so much from her right hook that even speaking my inner monologue hurt.
Walking the halls as she dressed, despite her assurance I did not need to leave, I noticed the wonder boy flirting with a cute brunette he called Amy, and on my way back to the dorm room, a blonde named Rachel. Both wearing brown cloaks instead of black.
Now I might feel bad. I despise the man Hayama with his fake relationships and fake persona, I really did. But something about seeing this person play with girls' hearts like that rubbed me the wrong way. Despite being teased, harassed, berated, insulted, physically abused, and… where was I going with this? Right, despite that, people should be treated with respect. I think I figured that out with the friends I had made in the last year, my want of something genuine being at the forefront of it. I hate Hayama, but even he would not stoop that low. In some weird, twisted way Hayama cared for the people around him, or perhaps he cared how they preserved him, but regardless he would never treat people (note: he would still treat me like trash) in such a manner.
When the well-endowed embodiment of lust moved from my new door, I gave it a knock. "Come in," her voice sounded meek like she was afraid of who would come through. I wonder why that was? You are the one who suckered me into this weird relationship, not the other way around, you know.
"It's me, are you decent?" I say with all the proper tones I can. She may have made me sleep on the floor and violently assaulted me for waking her, but… wait. Why did I care about being proper with her again?
"Oh," I could actually hear her straightening her clothes from beyond the door, "Of course I am, familiar. See yourself in." Wow. It is almost like she is overcompensating or something with the way she treats me. Although I did think she was being bullied earlier, perhaps there is merit to that stray thought. Walking into the room and, sure enough, she is dressed in the clothes that I had laid out for her, which had been used as projectile weapons against me mear moments ago, and looked like a middle schooler at a fantasy high school complete with a stupidly long wand. If she were a male I would say she was overcompensating.
I lean against the wall as she stares me down. "Well?" she starts.
"Well, what?" Again, there is only so much I can take running on the limited resources I have conserved at this point. I have not eaten anything since yesterday before my meet-up. With the added stress of this morning's conversation with the maid and being attacked for doing what I was told, my patients were limited.
"What are you waiting for familiar?" Familiar. She keeps treating me like I am an animal. At first, I thought it was for some specific need of the magic, but I could refer to her as Louise as easily as her wanting title. What then was the reason for her need to call me familiar rather than my name? Given what I had seen I had a simple guess. Power. She was utterly devoid of power at this school. The lowest of the lowest wrung, and couple that with her personality issue, mainly pride that a lion would scoff at, and you get a person who is willing to see a fellow human as less than themself. It was something I could not let stand any further.
"Hikigaya," I said in a stern voice. One that showed all of my irritation with everything that was happening.
"Hikiwhata?" I know my name is hard, but did you have to butcher it so badly?
"Hikigaya. My name is Hikigaya." I insisted. Making sure to enunciate every syllable in such a way she could not fail to say it right.
"Hiki- no. You are my familiar and I will call you such." Isekai gods, remember that one moment I was happy about being in this world. I return it wholeheartedly. My position as househusband was a lie, to this thing I am not even a person. At this point, I should just leave at the first opportunity. "And go where?" damn you rational mind, we can think of a way out of this, "you can't even read and you don't know if the spell that is translating everything will break," I said damn you! I let out a long sigh. This person who summoned me really is the worst. "You haven't answered me." She aggressively stomps her foot. Woah, be careful there missy, you might break the solid stone. The way her arms are twitching makes me glad she cannot cast magic, or I would already be dead.
"I have no idea what's going on." Oops. She looks like she is going to explode now, her face is red as red can be. That may have pushed her over the edge. The wand is moving, this is where I die.
"GRRRRR" and the anger is gone, but the bleeding red face is not. Is little miss psycho hungry?
"Want to get some food?" I try to dissolve the situation, not out of some want for her health, but due to my ever-growing stomach pain.
"I was waiting for that, stupid familiar. I swear…" she continued as she stomped past me, I had gotten enough stimulation with human interaction to know that the blush she had and the way she avoided my eyes was a way to prevent me from seeing her embarrassment. I dutifully followed. I really needed something to eat.
The lunchroom was massive as more people than I thought possible had poured in to eat for the day. How was this possible, there were nearly as many tables as I saw people yesterday and each as big as one from Harry Potter. They each seemed full which was the strangest part. Was there an underground city of dwarves that I did not learn about…but the dwarves looked like generic humans from Europe?
There were old people sitting at a head table with the students being of brown, black, and purple cloaks. The clothes he currently wore were the black cloak combo that matched Louis. Baskets of fresh fruit dotted the assorted tables as flowers draped from the ceiling letting in a fantastic smell, were these the fabled gardens of Babylon? Statues of hobbit-like men and women stood surrounding the various pillars crafted to look perfectly human.
Louise sat as one of the help placed a large platter before her and I made to sit by her side. "What do you think you are doing?" She looked at me like I was the dumbest thing alive. Hey, I'll have you know that I am great at Japanese Literature. Top of my class even. I know proper food etiquette.
"Sitting down to eat?" Did she not understand that I needed to eat food? Maybe the mouthless floating monster thing did not, but I am a human.
"With a noble?" She scoffed at me. "What sort of delusional fantasy world are you from? You should be glad to even be in the Hall of Arvys." Holy cow this chick was serious. She believed the prattle she was spewing. She actually thought herself above me. That was it. I was leaving. There is only so much of this abuse I am willing to take. Maybe that bald teacher would have the answer for how I could get home. That would be my best bet.
"Ara. Trouble in paradise already?" The teenage rival to Yuigahamama bounced, I mean walked, yes walked up to us with a person with blue hair looking even younger than Louise following like a duck behind. She pressed her large… personality on top of the supremacist's head. "I knew your actor would quit on you soon, but I thought it would be when the money ran out, not the next day." She laughed. Something I definitely did not watch with interest.
"Actor? And my name is Hikigaya." The words slipped out without warning. Damn you mouth, here you are getting into another conversation with unknown parties, still without food in your stomach. Do you never learn stupid mouth? Sorry brain, do a better job of controlling me than. Don't back sass me mouth, I am the one who runs this show.
"Well, you are some commoner she paid to pretend to be her familiar, right?" The tanned girl turned to me displaying all her… personality, and oh did she really need to sway there. That seems too powerful.
"I wish, then I would be able to take severance pay, although this might count as hazard pay so…" I trailed off not really knowing where I was going with that sentence. I needed to focus on something other than her large… eyes?
"So, you still insist you are her familiar?" She deadpanned at me.
"Unfortunately." I answered in kind.
"Wow, even your familiar does not want you. You really are a zero." She was about to continue as the gremlin who wished to be called master looked down into her food hiding her face, but the blue-haired child paused her.
"Breakfast… late." Amazing vocabulary you have their blue hair. I can tell you are great at parties. Then again so am I…
"That's right, well, see you later Zero, Hikitani" She walked away, and as she did I realized her personality was just as great on the back as on the front. And who is Hikitani?
"How dare you." Louise was upset. That was easy enough to tell.
"Hmm?" I turned to the small girl to whom I seemed to be contractually attached to now.
"How dare you speak to me in that way in front of HER." She turned and yelled at me. I had a flashback to a roof. Real raw emotion that was supposed to be hidden was boiling over.
"Well you say that but," I started to prepare my defence.
"Shut up. I am Louise de La Valliere. I am a noble and you are a commoner. No! Less than that you are my familiar. You will show me respect. When I talk, you listen. When I say jump, you say how high. Understood." A year ago might have taken this abuse as what it was. A year ago might have fallen in line. A year ago may have even gladly taken this interaction as a positive.
"No. I am a person, and my name is Hikigaya Hachiman." I reach past her fuming head as her face made an odd shape. I grabbed some meat and toast from the platter she was given and turned. "Maybe I should leave, it's obvious I am not wanted," I said with a completely straight face. At this point, I had been joking about thinking her a supremacist. But then she goes and yells it out in front of the entire school. At that point, I was too upset to care.
So I left.
As I walked out it appeared the entire hall had quieted to watch the small exchange. The utter silence as I strolled out like I wasn't the center of attention was unbearable. Once I exited, the sound started like a wave.
I'll give this world this; it was a beautiful day. I spent the entire afternoon napping in the warm sun with a tree shading my face. I failed to find any teachers so I decided to decompress under the blue sky. I woke up with a small plate of food next to me with a handwritten note. Perhaps it was an apology from Louise. Sadly I couldn't read the language of this world. I kept the cute note anyway. Perhaps I'll have someone read it to me, but I would prefer a face-to-face apology. That would be far more genuine. I ate the unfamiliar food as I noticed familiar faces pouring into the courtyard. The one I had left was not among them. I leaned up against the tree as the group shuffled around. A trio of girls split from the group and towards me; a walking Aphrodite, a child, and a Yumiko look alike. She was like Yumiko on steroids, like drills on drills.
"Hey Hikitani," the redhead started. "You're still around? Didn't you get fired a couple of hours ago?"
Me? Hikitani? I looked behind me and no one was there. Pushing down my frustration at my mispronounced name I deadpanned, "Even if I got fired, I have nowhere to go and no money to my name." I gave a shrug. Her look changed slightly. Something in her eyes went from a predator to something closer to a teenage girl.
"She didn't pay you ahead of time? Can't you just go home?" She continued on thinking this was a joke. Kami I wished that were true.
I scoffed, "I didn't get paid," I tried to put my hand in a pocket that didn't exist. Damn you medieval clothing. "I am honest to god her familiar." It all came at once. I was in another world. My family was gone. My sister was gone. This was real.
I felt a tear fall before I could stop it. When was the last time I cried? "I can't go home," my voice cracked as I looked up at the pretty sky and remembered the twin moons. All the jokes, the lies, the things I said. It all crashed at that moment. My coping was a lie. My happiness in my position was a lie. I lied and lied and lied and worst of all I was lying to myself.
Suddenly, a body pressed against my stomach. She had looked so tall among her peers, but on my taller-than-average Japanese frame, her face only touched my chest. Japanese people were not commonly to have public displays of affection. I don't remember ever being hugged by someone outside my family. Every instinct was telling me to break her grip and put some distance between us. But, I didn't move. Her face was wet, through my shirt. The touch strangely was not something I did not want at that moment. "I'm sorry," she started as she held me tight. "I didn't know… I was only joking…" she trailed off as her eyes looked up to meet mine. They were so brimming with emotion. I looked into them as she blundered off platitudes, but none of them mattered so much as what I had just seen in that one look.
I had said I would know when I saw it, and at that moment it was clear.
In her eyes, I had seen something genuine.
It was so shocking I still didn't push her away, even as the time passed into a minute. In my life to this point that the only person I had hugged for a significant amount of time was my wonderful Imouto. But still, her contact did not phase me.
Sadly, moments like that could never last forever, especially not for me.
"Embracing a commoner? To think that you would sink to that Kirche." The wannabe Hayama walked up to us ruining a wonderful moment. His voice came like a stick into the cogs of my life, momentarily shutting down my functions. I cleared my tears as he was about to continue ridiculing the person who had shown me something wonderful.
I couldn't let that happen. Me from six months ago would turn his attention to myself, but I had made a promise. A promise to stop doing things like that. A promise to two people who meant everything to me. Even if I could never see them again, I owe them that much.
"I know she is a pretty girl, but I doubt insulting her is the best way to add her to your harem." I broke his train of thought as he looked at me with wide eyes. Good. I had food and proper rest. My insults had been trained by Yukinoshita herself. This blonde wanna-be popular kid didn't stand a chance.
"What did you say?" Whether confusion or anger, I didn't care.
"That women usually like compliments more than insults, though you knew that already." I added fuel to the fire.
"What?" Drills for days talked for the first time.
"'Your eyes are the first thing I wished to see this morning. Isn't that the line you used on Amy?" I smirked as I continued. Seeing him frustrated and confused made me really want to rub it in, "Or was that Rachel?"
He was pissed, "I have no idea what you are saying, commoner" He was going to continue, but I interrupted.
"Wait, that's Amy talking to Rachel, what perfect timing. We can ask which was which." I gave my best innocent smile to him as his eyes became large saucers.
"Shoot," He jumped for cover behind the lone tree as I pointed at nothing.
"Let's go Kirche," I said to her. while taking advantage of his distraction.
"Bad." The blue-haired toddler started moving away from the side of the blonde girl.
"You cheater." Drills turned on him and started beating him with raw anger. "How dare you do this to me!" She was slapping him pretty hard. "You said I was your only." It appeared she had caught the tear sickness that this tree possessed. It had inflicted its wrath upon three people in under an hour. "I hate you!" she added a sucker punch as she stormed off, leaving bleeding and bruised, discount, rip-off, Hayama alone with his regrets.
The blonde picked himself up as he sent apologies after he. He then reared that emotion on me. "How dare a commoner speak to me in such fashion. Look at the mess you made. I shall have to teach you the proper etiquette for addressing a noble. We shall have a duel."
Ya. I wanted no part of that.
Looked cute thought I would take a pic. But really, I know its been a while but I wanted to get something out. My climax fight in my other series has been kicking my ass as has school. I wrote this in a little under 2 hours and it is probably a mess grammatically. Also I havn't actually watched FoZ in around 4 years so I had to reference the manga quite a bit to even remember the story. I hope you guys like this! I bit back on comedy a bit this time so hopefully everyone still likes it.
Edited 12/19/22