Meredith

Spring break came and went too fast. I wish we could've stayed there longer because as soon as we got back, things started to get hectic. First, birthdays… Henry's, Sofia's and just a few days ago, Bailey turned 5. And as if that wasn't stressful enough, today, Addison is nowhere to be found. I expected to run into her when dropping Zola off at school but she wasn't there so I figured that I'd maybe run into her at work but she isn't here either. Not trying to seem so eager by calling, I decide to ask Callie if she's heard from her.

Checking the board, I see the latina isn't in surgery so she's probably somewhere up on Ortho. There's a wait at the elevator so I make my way up the stairs and scan the floor getting a glimpse of her walking into a patient's room so I wait by the nurses' station until she's finished.

She walks out with a smile, "Oh, hey, Meredith."

"Hi, Callie," I half-smile, "Uh, I was just wondering, uh…"

"Spit it out, Grey," she teases me, "What's up?"

"I was just wondering if you've heard from Addison today," I shrug trying not to seem too anxious.

She gives me that smirk she gave us that day she walked in on Addison and I talking out on the patio of her home in L.A.―Addison rested her hand on my thigh as we talked and it lingered―Callie then shrugs, "I haven't spoken to her today… but that's to be expected."

"Why?" I ask.

Callie looks at me dumbfounded and I stare back at her confused then she frowns, "It's May 21st; Um, the anniversary of Jake's death."

"Oh."

"Dr. Grey," a voice calls from over my shoulder, "We could use your assistance."

"What happened?" I walk up and they hand me a chart.

The lead resident on the case speaks up, "She had a seizure, and―"

"A seizure?" she watches her heart monitor flatline.

He nods, "Her heart stopped."

"Katie Bryce," the words slipped out of my mouth before I could stop them. She was my first ever patient. She was initially diagnosed with a seizure disorder but after more tests Derek found out that it wasn't that at all. He couldn't figure out the source of Katie's seizures so he asked the interns for help promising to let one of us scrub in. Cristina and I spent the entire day searching for the cause of her symptoms and we finally stumbled upon the source of the problem while bashing rhythmic gymnastics.

The resident looks at me skeptically, "Who is Katie Bryce?"

"She's the person who's going to save this girl if my hunch is correct," I smirk, "Let's get her up to CT and page Amelia Shepherd."

"Well, I'll be damned," the lead resident shakes his head.

The tech operating the scan indicates the dark spots on the monitor, "There it is."

"It's minor, but it's there. It's a cerebachnoid haemorrhage," Amelia states, "She's bleeding into her brain."

"She could've gone her entire life without it ever being a problem. One tap in the right spot―" I say shaking my head.

Amelia finishes, "And explosion! We need to get her up to the OR asap."

"Thank you, Katie," I say to myself as I walk out of CT.

I check my watch and I see that it's the middle of the day and I've still gotten no word from Addison. I've called twice and sent a text. Maybe I should just go check on her after work? Well, then again, if she wanted to be around people, she wouldn't have missed her shift and she probably would've returned my calls… but I have a bad feeling about this. I know how much of a wreck I was after Derek's death… after Lexie's... my mom's… after George's… the bomb squad guy's… No one should be alone at a time like this.

Yeah, I'm going to go by.

The rest of my day was pretty slow. I only had two surgeries and a board meeting. The rest of my time was spent in my office doing paperwork. By the time I check the time again, it's time for me to get off work. Maggie's already picked up Zola and Bailey from school and Ellis from the hospital daycare so I head straight to Addison's.

Pulling up to the redhead's house, it seems even bigger than the first time I came. I guess it's called the Sam Hill Mansion for a reason… I parked right outside the garage, made my way out of the car and up the stairs to the front door. Pausing before ringing the doorbell I think to myself, Is this really a good idea? Does Addison even want me here? We're about to find out.

I see the curtain move on my bottom left corner then the door opens slowly. There's Henry standing there with a shy smile on his face as he opens the screen door, "Mommy says I'm not supposed to answer the door for strangers but today, she had me open the door twice for delivery guys… plus you're not a stranger."

"Have you been home all day?" I ask as I step into the house closing the door and locking it behind me.

He nods, "Yeah, I didn't go to school today. The twins and I built a fort in the green room like we did in the playroom at your house."

"Oh, sounds like you guys had a lot of fun!"

"We did," he pauses looking behind me, "Where is Zola and Bailey?"

"They're at home. They have school tomorrow so they're both getting ready for that," I explain as I follow him through the house.

He nods leading me over to what they call the 'green room' but what I call family room number two, "Yeah, I hope I can go to school tomorrow. I have a quiz in French."

"You're probably the only kid I know who enjoys quizzes…" I trail off once I get to the room where they've set up their fort and there's no Addison, "Where's your mommy, kiddo?"

"She's on the roof," he points up to the ceiling.

A voice screams out from under the blankets, "Henry! You're missing your favorite part!"

"We're watching The Lion King," he shrugs.

I smile waving him off, "Go ahead. I'm going to go find your mom."

"Okay, we will save you some popcorn!" he shouts as he dives into the fort.

I notice Addison's baby monitor in the corner of the room and I feel a little more comfortable leaving them here alone. On that note, I head out the room navigating my way through the house. It takes me another ten minutes to find my way onto the roof however I easily spot Addison over near the fire pit although her hair blends in with the flames.

Slowly, I make my way over to her and I hear the faint sounds of a Beatles' song playing in the background. She's wearing an oversized John Hopkins' hoodie which I'm assuming was Jake's since she went to Columbia and there's a plate of untouched fries sitting in front of her. When I sit down beside her she doesn't acknowledge me nor does she even flinch… Maybe I was wrong? I shouldn't have come here. She obviously needs her space.

We sit in silence for awhile and honestly, I'm not even sure she knows I'm here. It's not until minutes later that I'm handed a glass of wine, I turn to Addison and she looks through me with glassy, red eyes as she drinks from the bottle.

She shrugs turning back towards the fire, "I only brought up one glass. If I knew you were coming, I would've brought two."

"I didn't mean to intrude," I shrugged sheepishly as I sipped my wine, "We missed you at work today."

"No," she shook her head, "you may have but no one else did. And you're only here to make sure I haven't chucked myself off the roof."

"Well, that too," I admitted.

She scoffed and then shrugged, "I would've… if it weren't for the little ones downstairs."

"Addi―"

"I've spent so much of my life judging people. You know that? I've been so judgemental. It was actually one of the few traits I did get from Bizzy. I mean, when I was younger, I would've thought it was weak. Suicide―it's so weak. I mean, what was this person thinking? How could they do that to their family―to their spouse, to their children? But…" she trails off regaining her voice, "people who do that, they're not… thinking. They aren't thinking, lying there broken. They're… broken from grief… They were out to sea and they drowned. It doesn't make them selfish. It doesn't even mean that they didn't love their family…"

"Addison," is all I'm able to get out before she waves me off.

She takes a couple of more gulps from her wine bottle, "I'm not going to kill myself, don't worry. I won't be following in my mother's footsteps… not in the slightest… I just… I miss him."

"You'd think it would get easier…" I trail off taking the bottle from Addison. I pour myself another glass before speaking up again, "I mean, I did this already… I've gotten through the anniversary of Derek's death twice already and it still hurts the exact same way it did when the cops showed up at my door… It sucks because I want to be able to tell you that it gets easier… that eventually it hurts less but I haven't gotten there myself."

When I look over at her again, she's in tears and I gasp, "Addison, I'm so sorry."

"It's okay," she wipes away her tears forcing a smile, "I'm just overwhelmed."

"You need this medicine that I call Tequila," I suggest, "It works wonders. Solves all of my problems."

"Did you forget what happened when I first tried Tequila with you?"

"IㅡI," I shake my head laughing, "You're never going to let me live that one down are you? I apologized for that."

"You didn't need to. We're both adults…" she trails off eyeing the almost empty bottle of wine. I wonder how long she's been working on it. She looks at me then sighs, "I could use something stronger though."

"What do you have? I could go get it and an extra glass."

"Ah, so I will no longer be a savage drinking from the bottle," she tries to smile but it doesn't reach her eyes, "There's a bottle of Gin in the freezer in the kitchen."

"I'm sorry," I pause thinking about how to phrase this. I'm on my fourth glass and I'm not sure how many Addison is on but still, I want this to come out right.

She frowns, "I told you it's fine."

"No, I'm sorry for assuming you were suicidal. You're not me," I shrug.

She sits down her glass, "What do you mean?"

"I tried to kill myself once," I thought, "You were there."

"The drowning?"

"How'd you know?"

"Derek was suspicious of it," she shrugged, "He told me in confidence. We never talked about it after that."

"Oh," she shrugged, "My mom had just died… I was in a bad place and I probably would've tried again when Derek died if I weren't pregnant with Ellis…"

"That's…" the redhead trailed off, "dark."

"Yeah," I sip from my glass.

She picks up her glass and takes a long sip from it as well then quietly, barely above a whisper, she speaks up, "I tried to kill myself once… twice actually. I was eight, the first time I tried. I was riding my bike and I figured if I just swirled a little into the street people would think it was an accident… I just ended up scraping up my face and my tire flew off. Archer cursed out the guy then carried me home… He covered for me; told my parents I was riding downhill and my tire came off. He never asked why I did it and I never told him."

"Why'd you do it?" I asked and then immediately regret it, "I just meant… you were so young."

"I… um, I was taught to keep my mouth shut… growing up. Bizzy would literally tell me that it wasn't a young girl's place to speak while adults were speaking… well to even speak at all. I was to be seen and not heard. I kept secrets for my father when he was sleeping around on my mother. I shouldn't be surprised that I've kept this a secret for so long."

"You don't have to tell me… I don't mean to overstep," I say. I don't know if it's for my benefit or for hers. I don't think I want to hear what comes next.

She shakes her head, "It's okay. IㅡI think I want to tell you."

"Okay," I take another swig from my cup.

She downs her glass and pours another taking a sip from it, "Liquid courage."

"Did someone hurt you?"

"Someone did," she takes a long sip, "One of my father's friends."

"Does he know?"

"The Captain?" she asks and I nod my head, "No, I've never told anybody… only you…"

"I'm so sorry. You were so young… a little girl and no one protected you."

"It's okay… well, it's not okay," she said shrugging, "There are times when I freak out about my own kids being abused and not telling me about it… it's hard and it's scary but I have to trust that I raised them to always be open with me and to never keep a secret from me even if an adult tells them to."

"What about the second time?" I ask breaking up the silence that followed her last revelation while ridding my eyes of fresh tears.

She looks at me with the saddest eyes. I can tell she's forcing back tears of her own. She just shrugs, "I was older; a teenager. I'm sure you can understand what it's like to grow up with my mother. You had a Bizzy of your own… It's just that I kept telling myself that things would get better but they never did, at least not then… You know, I never experienced unconditional love until I had kids of my own."

"I get that…" I trailed eyeing what's left in my glass. I probably don't need anymore of these.

It's like Addison read my mind because she turns to me and sighs, "Do you want to order a pizza or something and sober up?"

"Yeah, we could do that," I say following her as she gets up from the couch.

She turns around to me, "Thank you… for coming by. I know it was, uh, pretty depressing but um, it felt nice to actually talk for once."

By the time I leave Addison's, it's nearly midnight. I'm sure everyone in my house is asleep so I carefully make my way inside and upstairs to my room. I undress and hurry into the bathroom where I brush my teeth. I'll shower in the morning.

Eyeing my bed, I flop into it and get myself tucked into my blanket. The moment I'm about to doze off, my phone rings. Checking the caller ID, it's a name that I haven't seen in awhile. When I think about it, it's been nearly seven years… I pick up the phone curious, "Hello?"

"Meredith? Hey, I, uh, I'm in Seattle. Do you think we could meet up in the morning for brunch?"

"Uh, yeah, sure."

"Great. Is eleven good? Is that cafe across the street from the hospital still open?"

"Actually, it is."

"Okay, let's meet there."

"I'll see you then."

"Oh, and Meredith? It's nice to hear your voice."