Chapter 7: Gridiron Grifter (Part 2)
Biffy's moment of peace spent knitting in the detention room (as best as it can be achieved with a perpetually snoring teacher) was swiftly interrupted by the arrival of his two fellow inmates.
"Huh, looks like we beat Barrage here," Lee remarked as he and Luan took their seats. Turning to the human wall behind him, he then asked "Hey, why did you get so aggro over that burp incident earlier?"
"Yeah," Luan added. "You sure left us a-gassed by your outburst. Hahahahahahaha! Get it?"
"Is she always like this?" Biffy wondered aloud.
"Unfortunately, yes," Lee sighed, mentally recalling nearly a decade's worth of the Witzelsucht-stricken girl.
"But, seriously," Luan collected herself, "What was that about?"
"Eh," the large teen shrugged as he put the finishing touches to his craft. "I've got to maintain my reputation; I need people to know that I'm tough as nails." And in a move to undermine that statement, Biffy then happily presented his latest creation to the pair. "Now, be honest: what cat wouldn't love this?!"
Lee and Luan glanced at the adorable-looking sweater before cringing a tad bit.
"I'd put my money on one that still has four legs," Lee put it bluntly.
Shocked by that statement, Biffy took another look at the sweater and saw that there were indeed only three sleeves attached. "Oy vey…" he grumbled.
"Anyway…" Luan diverted the conversation. "Instead of risking getting caught like yesterday, the Pingster and I have organized a crack team to continue the investigation for us." This brought a raised eyebrow to Biffy's face. "OK, it's just some of my sisters and Lee's only other friends."
"Maybe it would be better to just explain the plan," Lee directed, choosing to ignore that slight against his social circle.
"Well, it's not like we're going anywhere for the next hour," Biffy snarked.
The A. Nigma High multi-purpose field wasn't Luna's ideal spot to be outside of required P.E. classes: the complete exposure to the elements, the uncomfortable bleachers, and the overwhelming pressure of conforming to wasteful labor that could be channeled into something more productive (like, say, guitar-shredding). But hey, if it means catching the perp that set up her sister and her best friend/music partner (that just happened to be a boy), then she'd be able to bear it. The thought of Lee brought a slight grimace to the young rocker's face; Luna still couldn't understand why he wouldn't directly tell her about him and Brandy. At least Luan's news about it being a sham relationship brought some comfort.
"Get your head in the game, dude," Luna self-scolded. "You've got a job to do." And with that, she made her way in the outer side of the field to do her part of the search. There were a few expected sights: the players were gathered together, only distinguished by the yellow-shirt clad returns and the white-clad potential recruits (as well as the out-of-place Holger in both dress and demeanor), the (admittedly easy-on-the-eye) cheerleaders chanting "Tatzelwurms rock!" while performing their routines, and the team's namesake/school mascot being chained like a junkyard dog, seemingly forced to attend the festivities.
Of course, there were some outliers: the presence of those weird hazmat-suited cleaners doing something to the field and a military-grade cannon positioned in front of one of the two gridirons with an abundant amount of pigskins right next to it. The balls' purpose was soon revealed as a cleaner loaded one into the cannon and fired it across the field. 'Well, that's weird,' the aspiring rockstar thought understatedly as her eyes focused on the sight while walking. This lack of attention caused a surprise collision with a familiar face.
"Oof! Oh. Hey, Luna," Tina greeted the Loud girl after bumping into her.
"'Sup, Tina Kwee and the News," Luna responded in kind. "Didn't mean to walk into you. All right?"
"I'm fine, thanks," the young newsgirl replied. "What brings you here?"
"Oh, I'm just here to support my mates," Luna pointed her thumb behind her, indicating the throng of potential team recruits. "How about you?"
"Sigh. I'm stuck trying to interview with Coach Pummel while Chaz is making an 'exclusive' out of the try-outs," Tina bemoaned. The cannon was suddenly heard once more, and the girls' eyes followed the projectile through the air, which ended in a heavy impact past the opposing gridiron. "As if the coach being a no-show was bad enough, I don't even know where to begin with those strange cleaners."
"Hey, you white-shirt wannabes!" the girls heard Steve's bellowing towards the gathered football hopefuls. "Just go home already; the team has already been decided!" This was followed by his fellow returning teammates grunting in agreement.
"Now, that's just plain dodgy," Luna commented. "What's got his knickers in a twist?"
"From what I gathered earlier," Tina whispered, "his posturing is masking his grief over the loss of his precious 'Bub-Bub'." This caused the pair to suppress their urge to chuckle at the situation.
Their mirth finally broke through when they spotted Chaz botching his camera coverage when a freak wind ruined his hair. "Aw, fudge cake!" the self-absorbed reporter cried before ordering Stepak to fetch his hairspray. When the beleaguered cameraman brought Chaz's satchel for the owner to grab his precious hair product, Chaz's despair had reached new heights. "Help! Someone stole my hair product!" he cried out to anyone that would hear him (that didn't necessarily guarantee anyone would care).
"Man, today's full of surprises!" Luna giggled.
"As much as I'd like to give credit to karma for this," Tina pondered, having switched from her giddiness to a more analytical approach, "I think the school thief was responsible."
The next voice to be heard made the girls' blood run cold, especially when they saw its possessor.
"Listen up, you pee-poor excuses for a championship team!" roared a domineering claxon of the apparent substitute coach. "Papa Barrage is here to show you how to play the game like a real man!"
Out of all the slang terms in Luna's Anglophilic vocabulary, "gobsmacked" accurately described her current expression. She was so frozen by the shock that she missed Tina's sudden disappearing act. 'OK, you need to calm yourself, dude,' the musical Loud shook herself back to reality, 'You've gotta keep an eye out for that scab-ringed jock as the last line of defense. Besides, Cam and Holger are hardy blokes; surely they'll survive. Right?'
"Because this is a game of war," Barrage continued in his militaristic demeanor. "You either have the stomach for it…" To accentuate his point, the General-Principal lobbed a football square into an unfortunate white shirt's torso. The force of the throw shifted him about three feet backward before he inevitably collapsed from the pain. "… Or you get cut!" As if on cue, one of the hazmat cleaners brought in a massive vacuum nozzle tube to suck up the reject to parts unknown.
"It's OK," Luna reassured herself as her composure betrayed her true feelings, "They just need to catch some heavy throws from a cybernetically enhanced super-principal. Nothing to it."
The universe continued to dash the poor girl's hopes as Barrage unveiled the first drill at the push of a button on his trusty little remote: the football field transformed into a boot camp-inspired obstacle course (complete with two lines of car tires, an array of spears, a brick sprinting wall (with sandbags for support), and two hastily nailed wooden towers topped with barbed wire popping out of the astroturf).
"Now, let's see if you Susie Snuggle-bunnies can tackle!" With a brief yet audible "Come and get me!", the temp coach blitzed his way through the course with ease as indicated by his effortless leap over the brick barrier. The potential recruits scattered across the field to either catch Barrage from behind or cut him off from his path to the gridiron. These attempts were proven fruitless in a variety of ways: the lucky ones who just couldn't catch up to the semi-mechanical beast of a man only had rough landings; the less fortunate group that chose to get in the way were swiftly tossed aside (poor Holger took a head-on collision that sent him spiraling in the air before landing like a sack of potatoes), and the three that managed to get ahold of the cyborg quickly found out that their weight didn't slow him down at all and was just along for the ride.
The last young man standing ended up being Cam as he was now in the sole object between an unstoppable force (Barrage with four rookies hanging on for dear life) and an immovable object (the gridiron behind him). While frozen in place as the principal-general was hurtling towards him, Cam's life flashed before his eyes: the brief childhood he had in a non-descript Cuban-majority neighborhood; the tough adjustment to Ottington Elementary's student life, and the chaos that came from his first (and only) solo babysitting job watching over his sister and the Loud siblings below Lynn. If anything, the brief stroll through memory lane lessened the impact from Barrage's charge, but the landing from being launched five times his height in the air ironically brought him back to reality. "Yep," he moaned, "I'm still breathing."
"Boo-wah!" Barrage shouted in victory, punctuated by dunking the football into the ground so powerfully that it created a foot-deep crater. He then surveyed the field to bask in his carnage before calling out all the fallen rookies for being "cut!"; this was akin to a signal for the hazmat cleaners to "clean up" the field by vacuuming up the rejects.
From the sidelines, Luna felt like she had just witnessed a total massacre. To make matters worse, the entire plan "went tits up" in a matter of minutes. Holger was already being sucked up, and Cam seemed to bail on the whole operation.
"This can't possibly get any worse," Luna presumed while reaching into her skirt's left pocket. Her eyes widened upon noticing an absence of something precious. "And I've been nicked too?!" she cried out despair.
Now it all fell on her, but Luna was quivering in her boots at the idea of getting anywhere near the carnage and the loss of a secret keepsake. There remained only one thing she could do: send a group text to inform everyone of the failure.
Just outside of their middle school, Lynn and Lincoln were sitting on the local bench waiting for their ride home. Their second day of middle school had left the Loud kids haggard.
"Well, today sucked," Lynn summed up the experience.
"Just when I thought Bonnie and I were going to make new friends here," Lincoln lamented, "the new rules had ostracized us from everyone."
"I can only hope this doesn't ruin my chances at tryouts this Friday," the sporty Loud grumbled. "I mean isn't there some proverb saying that you shouldn't put the sins of the parents on the child? Shouldn't the same apply to dooming the siblings for the crimes of just one?"
"Lynn," Lincoln prompted as if to reprimand her.
"Sorry. 'Alleged crimes of just one,'" Lynn corrected herself, if only by a little.
"I feel the same, but unless Lee and Luan clear their names, we're stuck with this," Lincoln added solemnly.
Their conversation was interrupted by the sight of a familiar blue van pulling up in front of them. The front passenger window lowered to reveal Leni's smiling face.
"Hi, guys!" The second eldest Loud called out to Lynn and Lincoln as they walked over. "How was your day?"
"Terrible," Lynn growled while entering the vehicle. "The school just came up with some new, unfair rules thanks to that prank!"
"Sorry to hear that," Lori empathized. "They haven't done anything like that to us, at least not yet."
"Please tell me that you guys have a plan on catching the real prankster," Lincoln vocally hoped after buckling up.
"Well, Lee found out that the hand in the picture belongs to someone on the football team," Lori explained, "and now it's just a matter of scoping out the team during today's tryouts."
"Wouldn't that be a bit too public for Lee or Luan to search there?" Lynn asked.
"That's the best part," Leni excitedly added. "They don't have to leave detention because Holgy and Cam are trying out to search while Luna is supervising." Upon mentioning her next younger sister, Leni's face faltered a bit. "There's also something that's come up between Lee and Luna."
"What kind of 'something?'" Lincoln asked.
"Lee now has one of the Glamazons as a trophy girlfriend," Lori stated, tearing the bandage right off the situation.
"WHAT?!" the two middle schoolers exclaimed in shock.
"How could this happen?!" Lincoln asked.
"When I see that red-haired punk, I'm going to show him the business end of Old Reliable," Lynn growled, alluding to using her prized baseball bat on Lee.
"OK, in his defense, Lee didn't get a choice in the matter," Lori clarified. "According to Luan, the girl pressured him into the relationship, and he's just waiting for the opportunity to get out of it."
"Luna is still upset about it though," Leni tacked in. "But I'm sure it will all work out eventually." On that note, her phone just received a text message. "Ooh! That must be them now." She then read the text, her smile suddenly turned upside-down. "Uh-oh."
"What do you mean 'uh-oh'?" the rest of the van's occupants asked.
"… And that's how we'll catch the bag meddler a.k.a. the true prank mastermind," Lee concluded.
Luan coughed twice.
"Sigh. Present company excluded," Lee added.
"Well," Biffy finally spoke up, "it seems that you've covered all your bases." He glanced down at his phone that now had the new football suspect app running. "I'm amazed that one of your sisters was able to cook this up in less than a day."
"Well, Lisa is a bit of a tech-wizard," Luan acknowledged. "With this and our agents on the field, we're sure to succeed." Her fellow inmates noticed her suppressing a chuckle at her unintentional pun before her & Lee's phones buzzed. "Well, that was quick," the comical Loud said as she pulled out her mobile while Lee mirrored her.
Biffy saw their faces sink into despair as they saw the text. Before he could even ask, Luan brought the screen in front of him so Biffy could be in the loop:
Luna: The whole operation is buggered! Barrage is running the try-outs, and our bros got their arses handed to them in the first two minutes! I don't think I can handle this; I'm so sorry, dudes!
"Well, that's not good," Biffy declared bluntly.
Lee leaned over his desk in anguish. "Oh, it's a complete disaster!"
"No big whoop, guys," the largest of the three encouraged. "That's why Plan B's exist."
"What do you expect us to do?" Luan asked. "Have Lee run to the football field to conduct the scab-ring search himself in front of Barrage?"
"Wait, why just me?" Lee asked indignantly.
"Well, you're the only one here with the proper build and Ahem 'equipment' that could get through without being easily spotted," Luan explained.
"And what about all this?" Lee pointed at his hard-to-miss-colored hair.
"Football?" Biffy chimed in. "Helmets? Visors? Are you catching our drift?"
"But what if Barrage scans me with that robot eye-thingie?" Lee brought up, partly trying to avoid the situation.
"'Scans you'?" Biffy laughed. "This mission isn't a big-budget Hollywood action movie."
"Besides, if it was," Luan added, "you could've just got a stunt double to do it."
"Fine, I'll do it," Lee resigned to his fate. 'I just hope the universe will at least have my back.'
"Alright, let's sync it up!" Biffy announced while holding his phone out. "Ms. Joker's sister didn't include a tracker on her app."
Lee compiled by tapping his phone with that of the self-appointed mission control before shimmying up into the vents.
"How are you so sure that she didn't?" Luan quizzed.
"I mean, there's some extra code in there, but nothing with direct access to the GPS as far as I can see," Biffy explained. 'Though I'd like to know what it is,' he thought with interest.
With Biffy's directions, it didn't take long for Lee's voyage through the vents to bring him to his exit point.
"OK, drop down here," the gruff voice in Lee's earpiece ordered. The teen opened up the vent grate and took the plunge… into the girls' restroom.
The young ladies already present inside released a collective shriek in terror.
"Sorry, sorry!" Lee exclaimed as he bolted out of the room. As he rested against the signed door, Lee could hear Biffy and Luan's combined laughter blasting in his ear. "Yeah, really hilarious," the partial redhead sardonically replied. "Could we get back on track?"
"Sheesh, wound up much?" Luan pestered.
"Just relax," Biffy attempted to calm the situation. "The sports supply closet is just up ahead. And remember, white's for newbies."
Once inside the aforementioned closet, Lee saw the sets of uniforms lining a shelf, each with a numbered jersey and a helmet emblazoned by the team's draconic namesake. One set piqued his interest.
"If I'm gonna do this, I might as well get as much luck as I can get," he stated as he donned the uniform with the number 77.
"Wow, Lee," Luan teased. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you swapped brains with Lynn by your sudden superstition." This earned her a groan from the newly dressed spy.
"OK, I'm going to need a guide on all of your younger siblings so I can figure out who's being referenced," Biffy groaned, feeling out of the loop.
On the sidelines from the football field, Luna had managed to calm herself down enough to bear witness to the next culling drill that Barrage had in store for the remaining applicants. To her surprise, Cam managed to avoid getting sucked away with Holger and the rest of the rejects. Though she doubted that the self-proclaimed "Latin Lover" passed this trial.
"So, some of you Baby Bettys made it through the first drill," Barrage surmised while gently tossing a football back and forth in his hand. "Now, let's see how well you can catch." This was followed by the cyborg principal putting the football into the military-grade cannon next to him like a round of ammo. It was as plain to the onlookers as it was for the team hopefuls that the latter were used as target practice whilst the bombardment of pigskins turned those who tried to catch them into craters on the field.
Luna muttered something about "biting the dust" when she got received a text from her jailbird sister:
Luan: Don't fret, Lunes; the investigation train isn't derailed yet. You can bet on "77" to get things back on track.
The aspiring musician tried to make sense of her sister's cryptic message when she spotted a helmetless Cam slink away from the main field to approach one of the cheerleaders by the bleachers beneath her. 'Is he for real?!' Luna mentally screamed.
Ignorant of his impending doom, Cam got up close to his potential date. "Yo, chica. What're you doing later?" He faux asked.
The aforementioned cheerleader didn't need to say anything as the sudden appearance of a returning football player strolled up and put a hand over the girl's shoulder. In universal high school body language, that translated as "definitely off-limits". Cam's subsequent, nervous laughter, in turn, stated "Message received, yo!"
While that much was obvious from Luna's vantage point, Cam's ploy doubled as him doing his part in the scab hunt. The hand that was in sight to him now had the championship ring but no scab, so that ruled out Mr. Number 8. He then deftly took out his phone to cross out that jersey number.
"Well, blow me down," Luna remarked in shock when she saw Lisa's app get updated with Cam's finding. The surprises would keep on coming as a newcomer in a white jersey ran up to the Latino teen; what stood out to the Loud girl's eyes was the emblazoned "77" his jersey as the pieces started falling in place.
"Cam?" came a voice from the addressed teen's side, who looked at what seemed to be a random white-shirt like himself. That was until the newcomer lifted the eyeshield on his helmet to unveil a familiar face. "It's me," Lee revealed.
"Whoa, esse!" Cam nearly shouted before collecting himself with a smile. "Real sneaky. By the way, Number 8 is clear."
'Well, at least Cam's doing his part,' Lee surmised before noticing another return yellow-shirt (# 11) approaching. 'Might as well pull my weight too.' "Hey, nice play, my man!" he congratulated the player with a high-5. Lee held the hand just enough to get a good look at the ringed hand and found that there was no scab. Now speaking into his hidden headset, he relayed the info to the team back in the detention room: "You can cross off 11 from the list."
"Gotcha, Ping," Biffy's voice replied. "Just 17 left to go."
No sooner had the exchange of info concluded did Lee spot a face that he'd normally be happy to run into at any other time than now, Tina Kwee. 'Can't let her know I'm out here,' he thought as he lowered his eyeshield and ducked behind Cam.
"Yo, yo, Tina-bo-bean-ah. What is?" Cam talked up the school news reporter to draw attention away from Lee's crouching retreat.
Having borne witness to all of this, Luna felt a pang of jealousy upon seeing both Lee and Tina in the same vicinity. 'It's just like in the assembly,' she reflected. 'Why do I feel so strange when they're near each other?' Shaking her head whilst also feeling her earrings lightly bounce against the respective sides of her head, the lone Loud got up from the bleachers to get back in the field, renewed with the spirit to help out in the search and not to keep Tina from spotting Lee. 'Then again, it'd be for the best that she doesn't see him in case she wants to turn him in. Yeah, that's the reason.'
As for Lee, his escape plan hit a rather large snag as he bumped into the one person he desperately wanted to avoid.
"Thought you could pull this off?!" Barrage bellowed at Lee as the disguised teen backed off a couple of feet. "Sneaking out here late? What's your name, soldier?"
Knowing that he had two people listening in to everything, Lee hoped to get a quick answer as his mind was drawing a blank.
The new alias came to him in unison of Biffy and Luan's voices: "Last name, Jazz; first name, Hugh."
"Jazz," Lee said. "Hugh Jazz." Not a second passed before he realized he got played, confirmed by the laughter in his earpiece.
"Hugh Jazz, huh?" Barrage mused. "I served with a Corporal Jazz on a tour back in the '03."
"Really?" Lee, Biffy, and Luan asked with incredulity.
"He was a real home-grown hero," Barrage reminisced before taking a swig from his cup of water… and promptly spat out his drink. "This can hardly be called water!"
To the surprise of everyone involved, Holger popped up between the two. "Oh, you spit out drink?" he observed while swapping out Barrage's cup with a new one. "Maybe it no good. You need one from the fresh bottle of pure, sweet, unfiltered water from the hills of Blazinheim!"
"Weren't you cut?" Barrage questioned skeptically, seemingly unaware of Lee sneaking away once again.
"Yes," Holger confirmed, "but now, Holger try-out to become the new boy of water."
Over in the distance, Ed, the current water boy, was mortified by this. The person that he had shared a brief in-class-breakfast bond with and later gave an uplifting serving of water when he was in the reject pile was now gunning for his job. "What?! But, I'm the waterboy!" he cried while pushing his service cart towards Holger and Barrage. 'And how did he get the water to make that claim?!'
Nevertheless, Barrage had downed the new glass with a satisfied sigh. "It's quenching and refreshing!" he glowingly critiqued. "Not like the usual tap water garbage." This brought a beaming smile on Holger's face and a crestfallen frown on Ed's. "Okay, you crazy Euro-peon, let's see what you can do," the cyborg principal declared before getting back on the field.
"Oh, it is so on!" Ed growled before speeding off to prove his worth, running over Holger's foot with his cart along the way.
"Jazz 77!" Lee flinched upon hearing Barrage's voice. "If you wanna live up to that name of yours and get a chance to be on the team, catch this bacon!" Any confusion left in the infiltrator's mind was erased as he saw Barrage kick a football in his direction using his cybernetic leg, which meant that this task would be easier said than done.
"Don't miss. Don't miss," Lee repeated to himself, desperately running to align his position with the ball's probable landing place. "The trajectory, minus momentum, plus gravity means it should land –" His real-time calculations got interrupted by the football landing in his hands, which also brought his entire body to the ground due to the inertia. "Wow," Lee muttered in awe. "Physics works in real life."
A distant whistle (most likely from Barrage) was the closest thing to a warning for the disguised teen's next surprise. Just as he was getting up from his successful catch, Lee got knocked on the ground again, courtesy of Steve. "Ugh. Did anyone catch the plate of that car?" Lee groaned, half-expecting some wry commentary from his detention compatriots… which strangely didn't happen. He then began to realize that his hair was a tad too free for his liking.
"Ping?" Steve burst out, confirming Lee's current fear. "Aren't you supposed to be in detention?"
'OK, he knows,' Lee internally panicked, struggling to get his helmet back, 'but it's not like he'd try to turn me, right?'
The universe once again proved to be against the partial redhead as the quarterback's face contorted into a malicious smirk. "Oh, Barrage!" Steve screeched in an attempt to get the current coach's attention.
"Really? You're going to rat me out because you're afraid I might be better than you?" Lee bluffed, which seemed to do the trick.
"You?" Steve sneered. "Please. This is my field, you wannabe."
"Maybe back when you had your pwecious, widdle baby towel," Lee continued to mock as he put his helmet back on, silently hoping his plan goes right instead of getting his face caved in by Steve's equally-sized fists.
With an enraged growl, the towering jock opted to grab Lee up so they could look eye-to-eye. "No one trash talks Bub-Bub and gets away with it," Steven threatened. "First, I'm gonna wipe the field with you, then I hand over the leftovers to Barrage."
"We'll see about that," Lee countered, matching his new rival's glare. 'What have I gotten myself into?'
'I'm curious as to how you'll overcome this weighty dilemma, Mr. Ping," were the thoughts of Lisa Loud, who was able to eavesdrop on the teen's conversations at A. Nigma High through her more compact headset, hidden between her left ear and disheveled, brown hair. This was one of the many exclusive perks that the "app" she developed for her neighbor, her four eldest sisters, and their trusted compatriots. She may have withheld the full extent of its use to Lee and Luan, but this proved to be a necessary evil on her part.
"I'll pretend my auditory organs couldn't perceive that ridiculous remark, Mr. Ping," Lisa mumbled to herself, reminiscing on Lee's physics statement.
"Did you say something, Lis?" Lana asked, being the sister right next to her on a bench outside of Ottington Elementary. They, including Lola and Lucy, were waiting for Vanzilla II (the nickname assigned to Lori's ride) to pick them up.
"Nope," the genius Loud curtly stated.
"Let her be, Lana," Lucy droned. "She's probably just wondering if that experimental app is doing its job."
"It better be," Lola grumbled as she picked out the last pea from her hair. "Those five minutes of acting like a human shield for her to finish it during that food fight have scarred me for life."
"Speak for yourself," Lana cheerfully countered, still coated with wasted food. "This is the closest I'll get to that gnarly prank gunk."
Before the twins could continue their argument, the familiar honking of the awaited ride got the four sisters' attention towards the vehicle in question.
"I take it your day didn't go well, either," Lori observed as the younger sisters clambered into the van.
"The already restrictive halls have taken on a draconian nature comparable to the bottomless pit," Lucy verified, not even bothering with a sigh.
"Yeesh," Lincoln weighed in, "I'm glad I dodged that bullet."
"Lee and Luan better find this punk responsible for this," Lola growled as she settled in a seat as far away from her twin as possible.
"I assume you've been monitoring their progress?" Lisa asked the preceding occupants.
"What's the point?" Lynn groaned. "We already know that the two bozos struck out and Luna's gotten performance anxiety with no updates since."
"Interesting," Lisa deadpanned before turning her attention to the front passenger seat. "Leni, have you checked your phone since then?"
"No," the sunglasses-wearing Loud answered sadly. "I turned off both mine and Lori's phones so there wouldn't be any more bad news."
"If I may?" Lisa coaxed, holding out her hand for the aforementioned mobile device.
Five seconds passed until Leni realized, "Oh, you meant the phone! Here!" just before passing it along.
Lisa eschewed any further comments and just switched the phone on. 'It's imperative for us to teach her how to use the lock-screen,' she pondered as she navigated to the messaging app and her football player investigation app. "Of course, our remaining cohorts have resumed the hunt since then."
"Are you literally serious right now?!" Lori hissed, passing Leni a swift glare whilst staying focused on the road.
"And it appears that Lee's incognito presence on the field as a potential recruit was the catalyst for this."
"Lee? Mr. 'C in Gym', a football player?" Lynn asked incredulously. "I'd like to see to that."
"I'm pretty sure the disguise defeats the purpose of that, Lynn," Lincoln snarked.
'I wouldn't be too certain about that,' the girl genius thought as her mind lingered back to an encrypted message she received shortly after distributing her app to her falsely accused sister and honorary brother. 'I'll have to look into that tonight.'
Out on the field, Lee (as Hugh Jazz) was assembled with the other remaining white shirts and the returning team members, lying in wait for the next culling task from Barrage.
"I must say, boys," the double-duty wielding principal bellowed. "I'm impressed! Heck, I'd like to invite each and every one of you sweetie pies to my summer home for an ice tea & corn muffin brunch."
"Did my ears cry for the muffins?" This voice came from the instantaneously present Holger who had arrived right next to Barrage while carrying a serving basket filled with ice tea and corn muffins, the latter of which he shoved right into the Principal's mouth before he could comment on the situation.
The potential waterboy then swooped in front of a couple of the returning players to offer refreshments. They silently obliged by each grabbing an iced tea with her championship ring hand.
After confirming those hands were scab-free, Holger rushed over to the disguised Lee. "Number 44 & 66," he whispered enthusiastically before making his rounds.
'I'm not even going to question his methods as long as they get results,' Lee thought before updating his man and woman in the chairs. "44 and 66 are clean."
Meanwhile, Barrage had just finished his impromptu snack, suddenly feeling a bit chipper. "Gosh-darn-delicious, boy!" He praised Holger's dedication to his station. Of course, he had some recruits to whittle down. "Now, let's see how many of you score a simple touchdown."
With the blow of Barrage's whistle, the helmeted youths each grabbed their designated football and blitzed their way to the other side of the field. This deceptively easy task was proven to be another militaristic test as the path was a genuine minefield. While none of the players would explode upon stepping on them, these mines were spring-loaded, astroturfed platforms that sent any unfortunate soul flying backward. Thus was the fate of most of the white shirts.
"Guys," Lee shouted into his headpiece, "There's, like, some landmine thingies."
"Hold on," Biffy said while toggling his laptop programs. "I've got something for that." At last, he opened an app that featured an overlay of the field. A few keystrokes initiated a sweeping scan that revealed the mines' placements and the movement of Lee and the other runners.
'He could do something like this too?' Luan wondered in awe while her cellmate was guiding Lee. 'This guy is just full of surprises…'
The pair were then able to hear a voice shouting "Take him down" and saw one of the other dots make a swift lunge towards Lee's direction. Thankfully, they didn't need to worry as Lee's marker sidestepped the would-be attacker that ended up landing on one of the mines and unceremoniously got launched back a few feet.
A subsequent alert of one of the numbers being checked off brought the duo a brief sigh of relief. When they realized that expression happened at once, Biffy and Luan looked at each other for a brief second before the latter moved her chair a few inches away.
"I guess another one bites the dust?" Luan awkwardly jested.
"I think the rockstar of your family would appreciate that more," Biffy sighed before redirecting his focus to the field.
Lee wasn't out of the proverbial woods just yet as Steve was hot on his trail. At one moment, the partial redhead's instincts told him to duck instead of run, to which he complied. This was a good call as that completely ruined Steve's tackle attempt which sent the current quarterback crashing into the dirt. 'I guess the universe is finally doing me a solid,' Lee surmised as he was the only one to carry his ball to the end zone. "Yeah!" He cried out. Even the cheerleaders acknowledged this victory with a loud and bubbly "Touchdown!"
Seeing Lee bask in his newfound glory infuriated Steve enough to the point of grunting and pounding the ground with his fist in defiance. 'He's so going down in the final drill!'
After recovering from the celebration, one of the cheerleaders (who was previously hit on by Cam) felt something was off. "Hey," she complained, "someone stole my Pom Pom!" Sure enough, one of her hands was lacking the second half of the school-colors bearing object. The school thief had struck again.
"Well, color me purple and poke a crayon in my eye," Barrage piped up as he made his way to Lee. "That was a nice run, Jazz." His visible eye also took note of Steve walking up to the "winner" to glare him down, causing Barrage to get a whiff of the resentment brewing between the two. "Looks like you've got some competition, eh, 'all-star'?" The cyborg principal addressed before walking off to prep the next drill.
In an attempt to stave off the waves of contempt he felt emanating from his new rival, Lee figured he could lighten the mood. "Uh, high-five?" He offered, chuckling awkwardly as he raised his free hand for the gesture.
Instead, Steve went for the intimidation approach. "The only reason you outran me," he justified, "is because I lost my Bub-Bub. Get ready for pain, Ping. Lots of it!" And with that, he swiped the football from Lee and stormed back to the rest of the group.
"I really should've seen that coming," Lee sighed.
"With how many times you've ticked Lynn off during a game, you definitely should've," came Luan's voice.
"I definitely need a chart to learn which sibling is which," Biffy's voice grumbled.
Luna found herself a bit off the side while keeping an eye on a breaking news report being done by Tina alongside the robbed cheerleader, a decision that is mentally smacking her upside the head. 'Enough, brain!' She berated herself. 'This is to make sure she doesn't mess up the investigation!'
'Is it though?' a small voice in the rocker's head questioned. 'Because it looks more like you're admiring her work.'
"I'm Tina Kwee with an exclusive," the aforementioned news girl announced to her smartphone's video capture. "It looks like the school thief is hitting the tryouts extra hard."
And much to the surprise and chagrin of the girls present, Cam decided to pop into the recording to speak his peace. "And we, the students, are outraged!" He then decided to get close-&-personal to the cheerleader yet again. "There, there; Cam is here," he cooed as he consoled her by putting one hand on her shoulder while lightly rubbing the opposite arm. He remained blissfully unaware of how this was having an inverse effect as the cheerleader, Tina, and Luna were all annoyed with him for various reasons.
Luckily for the wannabe lover, most of that contempt would be shifted towards the next unwelcome guest to jump in the recording, Chaz. "And don't forget to mention my hairspray," the smarmy reporter frantically interrupted.
'And then, there's this plonker!' Luna growled as she started to make her way over to the group.
Once collecting himself, Chaz attempted to retake the spotlight with his favorite sentence. "I'm Chaz Moneranian," was all he managed to say before getting unceremoniously shoved away by a well-timed hip bump from Tina.
That sight caused Luna to stop in her tracks, which allowed her to also take in the sight of Chaz getting trampled twice by the players who were in the middle of the field doing their shuttle-run exercise as part of their drills. "That stings," he groaned.
"Ooh, I do love a hard-hitting story," Tina quipped moments before her cheerleader interviewee pushed Cam off of her.
"OK," Luna laughed, "That was worth watching. Girl's got some spunk." Then, an idea popped into her head. 'If she's up for some investigative journalism, then I could kill two birds with one stone.'
During the smaller-scale waterboy competition, it looked like Ed was losing steam in this fight as Holger had beaten him to the punch at refreshing a weary returning player.
"Hard day?" the eccentric boy asked before grabbing the player's hand, "Let Holger re-joy with soothing hand massage." His fingers must have worked wonders as the other guy's hand as all of the accumulated pain had evaporated almost instantly. Holger took a break away from the player's ring-wielding hand to give a quick wink to Ed. Unfortunately for Holger, this gesture only served to further grow Ed's resentment over the whole ordeal.
Having left his satisfied customer, Holger brought out his phone and checked off Jersey # 99.
A short distance off, Lee had given another returning player a "good game" handshake, making sure to have gotten the ring hand. Once again, it was a bust. Just as he was about to enter his finding in the app, Lee got a not-quite-a-surprise knockdown by Steve who then ran off, but not without flashing a smirk at his prone target.
"Just crossed off 12," Lee moaned. "Man, that guy is just the worst."
"Yeah, and water is wet," Biffy's voice snapped back, "Just pull through it."
On another spot on the field, Tina's gaze over the field for anything out of the ordinary (besides the cyborg principal/coach and his bizarre evaluation tests) had started to glaze over. Hence why it was a shock to her when Luna popped up next to her. "Yo, Tina," the upcoming rockstar announced. "I couldn't help but overhear your report about our school's thief in the night."
"Really?" Tina replied, recollecting herself. "I mean it's still a developing story, so I don't have any leads just yet. Besides the suspect being on the field of course."
"Well, if you're curious," Luna proposed, "I've heard it through the grapevine that it could be one of the previous team members." She knew the claim was baseless, but Luna figured that subtly enlisting Tina's assistance could be a big help (especially now that their goals have aligned).
"Huh, I guess that's the real reason you're here?" the young news girl interrogated.
"Not at first," Luna admitted with a slight growl. "But this prat made a grave mistake in Nicking something important to me."
"Oh, my," Tina replied, "I'm sorry that happened to you."
"Thanks. Do you think I can help you out on this then?" Luna asked.
That's when the pair bore witness to a peculiar sight. Strolling towards his water cart, Ed had passed by a pair of yellow-jersey football players. This would've been insignificant had he not swiped a towel hanging from one of the player's back pockets and had a shifty look in his eyes before putting the item into his cart.
"Did – Did you just see that?" Luna asked.
"Yeah, that was odd," Tina answered.
Back with the minor waterboy competition, Ed and Holger made a beeline to a yellow-jersey bench-sitter.
"Water from the springs of Morocco?" Ed offered to the player. Unfortunately for the former, he wouldn't get an answer.
"Chicken wings from deep freezer Holger make hot with much grease?" This announcement and offering from Holger not only enticed the bench-sitter but also attracted more applicants, yellow and white shirts alike, and even Barrage as well. The basket of the delicious poultry was depleted in an instant.
"Mmm…" the original player happily expressed as he indulged in his wing, "Is that a whisper of paprika and cayenne I detect?
"Oh-ho, I'll never tell," Holger playfully answered. This exchange elicited a grumble from Ed who had just been jilted yet again.
"Now, hold hands out for fast wiping," Holger requested of the remaining yellow-shirts who quickly obliged. As he performed his sanitary duty, Holger paid careful attention to the ring hands for the possible scab. Once the job was done, Holger walked off to log his results.
As for Ed, he took his cart and rolled away, though not without picking up a random football. This time, however, Luna and Tina saw this happen as well.
'Yeah, this dude is definitely dodgy,' Luna thought.
'I'm getting to the bottom of this,' Tina internally proclaimed and sneaked over the waterboy's cart as he bent down to tie his shoe before her new investigative partner could say anything. Before she could open the compartment to uncover the truth, Ed sprung back up, which caused Tina to back off and whistle nonchalantly.
'Yeah, I don't think she's made out of "spy material",' Luna sighed before checking up on the app. 'At least this is almost over.'
"Good news, sibling units," Lisa announced to the others within Vanzilla II. "Our compatriots have narrowed down the suspects to one."
"Well, that's a relief," Lincoln sighed.
"Spill it, brainiac," Lynn demanded. "Who are we looking at?"
A whistle from Barrage brought Lee and the other try-outs for a last-minute hustle for the final drill.
"You just need to check Evan and Steve," Biffy alerted Lee, "It's gotta be one of them."
As providence would have it, Lee was greeted by a ringed hand pat on his shoulder by Evan, one of the last suspects; the aforementioned hand was also without a scab. "Gotta hand it to you, man. Not many in our weight class could get this far," the now ruled-out jock encouraged before shoving Lee down with the same hand. "Just don't let it get to your head."
"Evan's clear," Lee groaned as he got back up. "It's Steve!"
"Steve Carb, huh?" Lori sighed when she pulled into the family driveway. "I guess that scuffle from this morning really did have more to it."
"Leave it to a brute to kick his victim while he's already down," Lola growled while unfastening her seatbelt.
"And to think that I looked up to the guy when he made the championship-winning touchdown too," Lynn bemoaned while making sure she was the first to get out of the van.
Once Lee got back up, Barrage surveyed the last young men standing. "Well, how about that? It seems like we have the same team as last year. Well, except for Jazz 77 Heck, he could be the new team captain.," the cyborg principal assessed.
Lee could practically feel the jocks boring holes into him with their glares. 'I hope I can make it out of here without ending up in a body bag.'
Then Barrage brought himself face-to-face with the current captain. "Is that what you want, Steve?! The number two spot?!" he jeered at the young man before marching away to set up the final test.
Steve just kept a stone-walled expression, but he took a moment to leer at Lee one last time. The silent message was clear.
Now standing by his football canon, Barrage relayed the terms of this new drill while putting in the payload. "Whoever scores first is the captain; the one who doesn't is his number two. Now show me your gravy-guts, boys!"
Not far off from the inevitable action, the waterboy competitors, Ed and Holger, saw this as an opportunity to settle the score: race to be the first to give the appointed captain a refreshment. Ed brandished a cold water bottle, while Holger quickly prepared a chocolate milkshake with whipped cream and a cherry on top.
The three most prominent witnesses to this (Cam, Luna, and Tina) had shared the same thought: 'This really shouldn't phase me considering the chicken wings earlier.'
The firing of the football canon was the signal for Lee and Steve's final showdown to begin, with the latter getting a headstart. Not that it mattered much as Lee closed the distance rather quickly, just close enough to make a startling discovery
"But it doesn't make sense for Steve to have done it," Leni brought up when she got out of the front passenger seat.
"What do you mean?" Lincoln asked. "He was the last member of the team left; it looks pretty obvious."
"But if we're counting the ring-wearing players, then it couldn't possibly be him." Leni's statement brought the rest of the Loud siblings to freeze in place.
Slowly rotating from the house door to face her first sister with the keys still in her hand, Lori could only manage to get one word out: "What."
"No ring!?" Lee gasped in shock. The disguised runner barely processed this when Steve smacked him down with the clearly ringless hand.
"What the heck is going on?!" Luan's voice boomed into Lee's earpiece while its wearer was still reeling.
"We have some bigger fish to fry if you want to keep 'Mr. Innocent' from turning you in," Biffy tried to bring everyone back to their situation. Acknowledging this, Lee sprung back up and continued his pursuit.
Unbeknownst to anyone, the Tatzelwurm had finally broken its chain leash and can finally roam free. And there happened to be two moving targets for the little beast to hunt.
Having taken care of all obstacles, Steve ran with his hands outstretched to catch the currently descending pigskin (which represented the reclamation of his pride & rightful place in high school society, ring or no ring) when he heard a menacing hiss coming from behind him. A turn of his head confirmed that the Taz was on the loose and headed straight for him. This was enough for Steve to miss the ball as it bounced further away.
"What's stopped you?" Lee asked as he caught up. The answer came quickly, not from Steve, but from the Taz's hissing. 'This again?!' he inwardly shouted as the rivals now had to race for the ball and outrun a dangerous animal.
All the while, Holger and Ed with their refreshments in tow were rushing to catch up with the runners… and then had to retrace their steps when the football hopefuls and the animal mascot passed them.
'I can't help but think that some old-timey chase music would be really appropriate here,' Luna thought as she bore witness to the insanity unfolding on the field.
"So, the whole team is in the clear because you saw the last guy without the scab or his ring this morning?" Lana asked.
Leni nodded. "Yeah, back when he was bullying Lee and Holger in the hall."
"Well, this is just great," Lori growled in frustration. "We're literally back to square one."
This caused the rest of the Loud siblings to release depressed sighs, realizing that Luan and Lee's evidence was gone in the wind. That is, all except Lisa and Lynn.
While the brainy sister remained silent, the brawny one decided to speak up. "Whoever this guy is, he had to be brazen enough to snatch a championship ring from the star quarterback." That's when realization dawned on Lynn's face. "Or close enough to the team to get away with it."
The football finally came to a stop at the end of the field, just in time for Lee and Steve to make the penultimate lunge for it. In a surprise play, Lee's leap brought him precisely to have the ball in his hands while Steve's sent him sailing ahead.
'Physics saves the day again!' Lee's victory was short-lived as the disguised teen was immediately blindsided by the Taz pouncing him from his right and then a return tackle from Steve. The process chain of events led to the ball landing into Steve's hand and Lee & the Taz crashing into Holger, Ed, and the latter's cart.
"Of course, how could I have let this oversight happen?" Lisa mused as she grabbed Leni's phone to recheck her app (as taking Lori's was tantamount to a death sentence). In her astonishment, she found a section for one more person that was added to the roster. "Lynn, you athletically minded genius! You've helped find the real culprit."
"I did?" the aforementioned sister asked before she recollected her smug demeanor. "I mean, of course, I did."
"So, who did it?" Lincoln asked.
Lee's dazed state from the collision was slowly lifted by a significant weight lifted off of him and the sound of Holger's incessant giggling nearby.
"Oh, my brain tickle," the eccentric teen laughed as he dislodged the cause of his sudden bursts of mirth: Ed's finger. A finger that had two distinctive features. "Ring and scab!"
That perked Lee right up (enough to drown out Steve's showboating) as he joined Holger who held a struggling Ed (partially) redhanded. "Wow, we were way off for it to have been Ed the whole time," Lee remarked before he took notice at the upturned cart. "Well, what have we here?"
"Ed the waterboy, huh?" Biffy muttered.
"Wait, you mean the guy that got a hanging wedgie during lunch?" Luan asked. "But he doesn't strike me as someone that would be a prank mastermind…"
"Well, I guess we'll find out soon," the hefty teen stated.
"I might as well send it out to my peeps at home," the aspiring comedian announced before making good on her word.
"Ya see?" Steve boasted with his elation over his victory. "I didn't need my Bub-Bub to obliterate your hopes and dreams." As he strolled over to his "fallen opponent", a crowd of inquisitive spectators was forming behind him.
"So, I take it that you don't need that back anymore?" Lee pointed towards the pile of spilled items, directed towards a nearly-ancient towel draped on a football.
The pride that adorned Steve's face was immediately replaced with a genuine joy akin to that of a little child reunited with their beloved pet. "Bub Bub?" he squealed in excitement as he picked the towel up and nuzzled his face in it. This was but the first of the many reunions of students with their prized possessions.
"Hey, my helmet!" exclaimed a random football player.
"My pompom!" declared the afflicted cheerleader.
"Ah, my hairspray!" screeched a disheveled Chaz who swiftly grabbed the aforementioned item and immediately caressed it in an embarrassing manner.
"This is your ring too, right?" Lee asked Steve, addressing Ed's hand now in his grip. The partial redhead could've sworn he felt a more intense wave of anger coming off his former rival directed at the culprit than what he experienced earlier.
"You took my Bub-Bub and my ring?!" Steve roared at the beleaguered thief as he harshly took the ring back. "This was missing since last year. What the heck, dude?!"
"So, the waterboy did it," Lori murmured.
"But why?" Leni asked.
"I'm only guessing here, but I think he was just butt-hurt over not being in the spotlight," Lynn crassly surmised.
"I speculate that there was more to it," Lisa interjected. "Imagine someone who was quite instrumental in ensuring the team's success but being constantly belittled by his peers on a regular basis. It was only a matter of time… until this 'Ed' character… would exhibit a relapse in ethical behavior…" Her explanation trailed off before she turned her gaze towards her sole brother, an act that was mirrored by the other six sisters.
"… Why are you girls looking at me like that?" Lincoln asked out of confusion.
"It's not fair!" Ed ranted. "I keep you all hydrated for all of your games and training sessions, but I never, ever get a shred of credit! I just wanted a piece of that glory!"
"You can rant about your supposed injustices later," Lee whispered threateningly behind Ed before lifting his eyeshield, showing off his game face. "The red bag in the gym right before the prank? I have a picture of you messing with it. What'd you do?"
"You?" Ed asked in momentary shock. "I just took this can of paint out of it. You can have it back." As proof of his word, Ed handed the empty can with remnant streaks of green paint over to Lee.
'Well, it's better than nothing,' Lee sighed internally while accepting the item. His eyes were then drawn to the gathering of football players that were glowering over Ed. With the slightest bit of pity, Lee whispered "Now's the time to run" to the outed kleptomaniac.
Unbeknownst to the other field occupants, a purple blur had zipped to and from the water cart before finding its resting place by the young newswoman whose patience was wearing thin.
"So, you've got your stolen goods back?" Tina asked Luna.
"Yep," the Loud girl panted.
"So, I can go out there to do the expose now?"
"F.A.B."
"Huh?"
"Oh, that's something I heard from an old British show; it's like 'Roger' or something."
"… I'll take that as a 'yes'. Do you wanna join me?"
Luna paused to give this offer some thought. "I don't have to be on camera, do I?"
"Not if you're the one holding it," Tina reassured.
"Well, I guess I'm up for it then," the aspiring rockstar agreed.
Lori and Leni's phones suddenly received new alerts, prompting their owners to simultaneously take them out and check.
"It's from Luan," Lori announced. "Lee proved Ed to be both the hand in the picture and the notorious school thief."
"That straightforward, huh?" Lana wondered. "That doesn't sound like her."
"There was also one of her puns in it, but I figured to spare you all," the oldest sister stated flatly.
"Yeah, that makes more sense," Lucy observed.
"So, does this mean he's the prank mastermind too?" Lincoln asked with some hope.
Before a response could be given, another text from Luan arrived. Upon looking at their phones once again, Lori & Leni's anticipated looks turned crestfallen.
"Sorry, guys," Leni relayed. "Lee's bag was 'just a means to feed Ed's habit.' Which sounds weird since Lee doesn't put food in it."
"That's not… Never mind," Lola sighed. "Let's just go inside now."
"Jazz Seventy-Seven or, should I say, 'Hugh'?!" Barrage bellowed as strolled towards his quarry. "I want you on this team! I've never seen anyone withstand such glorious beatings!"
'And that's my queue to leave,' Lee thought before turning to Steve, who seemed to be lost in his own world with "Bub-Bub". "I've gotta jet. I wasn't really here to join the team; I was here undercover to bust the school thief. We cool?"
"Dude, you got my ring and Bub-Bub back," the newly reinstated captain spoke with an air of gratefulness. "My whole family's been sweating into this since the sport was invented. Trust me; we're cool."
"Aw, Lee made a new friend," Luan jested. "I can't wait to see him get invited over for dinner."
"OK, this is getting way too sweet for even my taste," Biffy growled. "Need I remind you that you should get your butt back here now?"
"Already on it," came Lee's reply followed by the sound of frantic panting. "Also, Luan, don't get any ideas."
"Tina Kwee here, live," began the young reporter's monologue as Luna held the former's phone to record it. "The school klepto, also known as the school thief, has been revealed to be Ed McFeeny, the now-former waterboy." Had she paid attention, Tina would've seen Luna's face pale a little when the disguised Lee ran across the background behind the reporter.
"Principal Barrage, do you have anything at all to say?" Tina addressed the de facto coach, prompting Luna to refocus the camera's zoom to include him in the frame.
"Who cares about some petty thief?" the principal spat before looking behind himself. "I need to catch that Hugh Jazz!" On that note, he bolted away from the impromptu news duo.
Due to her ignorance of Lee's codename of the day, Tina was stared in the departed principal's direction with her jaw dropped in shock at what he just said. She seemed to only have enough energy to turn her eyes towards Luna and the recording phone.
"Um, we can fix that in post?" Luna suggested.
Despite a clear headstart, Lee turned to see that Barrage was gaining on him at an alarming rate.
"Get back here, Number Seventy-Seven!" Barrage roared. "You're going to be a part of this team; that's an order!"
"That bag of bolts is ridiculously fast!" Lee shouted into his earpiece. "Is there a way I can lose him?!"
"Calm your pecs, McTwitchy Pants," Luan's voice teased. "You should see an opening by the bleachers."
Sure enough, the opening was there… behind the cheerleaders who resumed their routine practices. As Lee drew closer, they started to make a standing human pyramid.
"Take the plunge now!" Biffy commanded, to which Lee complied. While the disguised detentionaire somersaulted into the gap, the cyborg principal crashed into the girls, sending them flying briefly upwards.
'Oh, dear,' Barrage panicked as he used his bionic eye to track the now plummeting girls to keep them from severe harm. Quick maneuvering on his part led to the principal becoming the singular base of a new human inverted pyramid. "Sorry, prancing princesses, but you can't stay up there," he announced as he tilted downward to let the girls down gently. "You ain't getting away that easily, Hugh," Barrage growled before resuming his pursuit.
Lee crawled his way beneath bleachers, just barely avoiding some filthy hazards (i.e. a ton of garbage strewn across the ground, spilled drinks from the topside sitters, etc.), and finally emerged to freedom… only to be grabbed by Barrage's mechanical arm.
"Boo-wah! Interception!" Barrage shouted in supposed victory.
"Hey, kiddos," Mr. Loud greeted as his children came through the front door. "I was wondering when you'd get in; I saw you leave the van ten minutes ago. Did something happen?"
"Oh, it's nothing, Dad," Lori spoke for everyone. "We're still getting used to the 'Luan in detention' thing."
"And all the other schools are completely overreacting because of that prank," Lynn interjected.
"In what way, Jr.?" Mr. Loud asked.
"The lower educational administrators have taken extreme precautions to prevent anyone from replicating the incident allegedly committed by our sibling unit and neighboring contemporary," Lisa expounded.
"Basically, the faculty don't want to have any copy-cat attempts," Lincoln translated. "Plus, they've indirectly made us look like we'd be the first to try and turned almost all of the school against us."
"Oh, come on," Mr. Loud protested. "There's no way that happened." The stone-faced looks that came from his children, from his namesake to his little genius, stated otherwise.
"… OK, I think we could talk more about this after dinner," Mr. Loud resigned back to the kitchen while the children went to their rooms.
"Oh, yeah, that reminds me," Leni piped up. "You might need to give Luan an extra portion since she couldn't have lunch due to the detention."
"She couldn't WHAT?!" Mr. Loud's outburst shook the house's foundations.
'Well, this is it: game over,' was the thought running in Lee's mind as he was currently in Barrage's clutches.
Fortunately for Lee, the universe decided to give him a freebie in the form of a high-speed projectile that sent Barrage flying several yards upon impact. As he was back on the ground, Lee caught a glimpse of his savior: Steve standing right next to the football canon, who in turn gave a smile and thumbs-off. Lee responded in kind before running back to the school.
'Go be a speed king, dude,' Luna thought happily as she saw Lee reach the doors before Barrage came to.
"Thanks for your help, Luna," Tina brought up. "Maybe you'd like to help me out on another investigative journalism project? Like, say, your sister's role in the prank or another thing?"
"Didn't you get enough from the footage your usual guy took yesterday?" Luna pointed out, looking at Stepak who was holding the main camera in one hand and while using the other to spray Chaz's hair.
"That's the odd thing," Tina admitted. "When we got the camera back this morning, all the footage was erased."
"Bollocks," Luna mumbled.
"That being said, are you still interested?" the young news girl pressed hopefully.
"Sorry, love," Luna rejected the offer. "I've gotta get back to where I once belonged."
"Wait, what do you mean by 'once belonged'?" Tina asked but Luna was already walking away. "Well, I guess I'm on my own for this…" she sighed.
As for Luna, she breathed a sigh of relief as she dug into her pocket and took out her recovered treasure from the whole fiasco: a pair of green/purple marble guitar picks with the initials "L.L.P." inscribed in them. "When this is all over," Luna mused to herself, "one of you will be in his hands."
"OK, when he gets in," Biffy instructed his smaller compatriot close to the room's only door, "you hide the paint can, and I'll hide the uniform."
"Roger," Luan agreed, her eyes glued to the screen. The green dot that tracked Lee's movement was getting closer, and it was anyone's guess as to how far away Barrage could be.
The pair didn't have to wait long as Lee burst into the room. As planned, Luan swiped the paint can from Lee's hands while Biffy swiftly stripped the football get up off of the partial redhead before the trio rushed to a random seat (Lee in the front row, Biffy directly behind him, and Luan right on the latter's right) and hid everything out of sight.
Just in time for Barrage to enter, having given up on catching his backup star. A brief look over the room and its casually presenting occupants was enough to elicit a "Dismissed!" from the cyborg principal and a clanking march outside.
"He's gone now, right?" Lee asked in a strained voice.
"Yeah, his clanking has gone soft now," Biffy confirmed.
"Oh, thank goodness," Lee sighed before promptly collapsing over his desk in exhaustion.
"Huh, this reminds me of how Lincoln gets tired after dealing with all of our favors," Luan remarked at the prone figure before her.
"OK, I know that's the only boy in your family," Biffy affirmed before draping his kitty sweater over Lee's head.
One silent car ride (not counting the occasional bouts of road rage from Mrs. Ping) and two dinners (where the amount of conversation was comparable to that of the diners at the respective tables) later, Lee, the Loud siblings, Camillio, and Holger held a virtual meeting to compare the events of the day.
"Yikes," Lee shared his pity for the non-high school Loud kids. "I'm surprised the prank was affecting you guys too."
"Holger is getting the moping-times for the baby Louds' situation," came the mournful cry from the eccentric European.
"We're not babies, Holger," Lynn growled from her corner of the camera window that was practically packed by her and the other Loud kids (sans Lana, Lola, Lisa & Lily who had already turned in for the night) in what looked to be Luna and Luan's room. "But yeah, it sucks."
"Eh, I bet you and the muchachas will survive," Cam nonchalantly encouraged. "The harsh teasing only lasts as long as you draw attention to it. Why else do you think I kept sprucing up my English to what it is today?"
"… Can we move on to some good news?" Lori wrested control of the conversation.
"Oh, ja!" Holger spoke up. "Holger win waterboy job. Me now official server of water."
"Oh, that's great!" Leni congratulated.
"Makes sense since the old guy is out for good," Luna pointed out. "Speaking of which, what did you find out about him, Lee?"
'At least we're talking again,' Lee thought before he brought in the paint can into view to explain his findings. "Well since Ed was the school thief, it makes sense that he took this from my supposed bag. Considering how this and all that other stuff was found during and after the prank, my original bag must've been switched with the fake at that time."
"Well, that's just great," Lori groused. "With how chaotic everything got during the prank, there's no telling who could've made the swap."
"There's still that matter of the lost news camera," Luan addressed. "If we get ahold the footage on it somehow, our reputations will be back to picture-perfect."
"All out of luck on that front, dude," Luna confessed. "I saw the news team with their camera back while I was on the field, but they don't have the footage anymore, much less had the chance to review it."
"Dangit," Lee mildly swore. "We're basically at square one."
"Well, that can you found could be some sort of hint," Cam suggested. "But do you all think we could slow the roll on the hunt a bit? At least until I can get a date?"
If looks kill, the collective glares of the Loud siblings would have breached the boundaries of cyberspace to incinerate Cam's face.
"OK, that's it from me," the would-be Latin lover awkwardly laughed. "Buenos noches, yo!" And with that, Cam's video window closed to avoid the ire.
Before the virtual conversation could go any further, a shrill "Lights out!" from Mrs. Ping followed by the light in Lee's room turning off signaled the abrupt end.
"I guess that's it for tonight," Lee sighed. "Oh, and Lynn, any advice to deal with post-football pain?"
"Asking the expert, I see," Lynn smirked as the rest of her clan just rolled their eyes. "Since it was just your first time, a good night's sleep is all you need. You'll still be a little sore in the morning, but nothing a little stretching can't fix."
"Thanks for the tips," Lee sighed. "Have a good night, guys."
"Good night, Lee!" came the farewells from the remaining friends and family with varying degrees of enthusiasm before Lee turned off his screen.
After their assortment of siblings left to their respective rooms, Luna and Luan got into one of their usual bunk-bed talks.
"So, what was it that made you freak out back there?" Luan asked. "I can get seeing Barrage completely bodying Holger and Cam, but there had to be more to it."
"Fine," Luna sighed. "But whatever I say or show you doesn't leave this room, clear?"
"Crystal," the younger sister confirmed. That was enough for Luna to pull something from under her pillow and hop off her bunk to bring their conversation on a facial level.
"The truth is that Ed took these from me sometime before I sent out that text," Luna confessed as she opened her hand to reveal her matching pair of guitar picks.
"Well, that makes sense; music paraphernalia is like a part… of you…" Luan's speech trailed off when she took a closer look at the picks. "… This is more about Lee, isn't it?"
"When we took that trip to Royal Woods a couple of months back," Luna explained, "I had these made so that I could give him one at some point this school year, preferably after we've won the school's BotB. Tale as old as time: girl declares her crush, presents a token of her affection, gets those feelings returned, and can just cruise into a melodic life of love & happiness."
Then the young rockstar's visage darkened. "Then that prank just tossed all of that out of the window. Not only is Lee super-grounded, but he's already got a girlfriend."
"Again, it's not a real relationship," Luan protested. "At least from Lee's side of it."
"But what if he starts falling for her?!" Luna cried. "How can I possibly compete with a Glamazon of all girls?!" A few seconds passed before she seemingly calmed down. "So, when I lost the picks, I took that as a sign that it was all over."
Luan got up and gave her older sister a much-needed hug. "Lunes, you shouldn't be scared about all this. You know he cares about you." She then turned themselves so that Luna could see the portrait Lee gave her. "There's no way he'd leave you high-&-dry."
The musical Loud managed a small smile at the gesture. "Yeah, I guess you're right. Thanks, sis; I really needed that."
"That's what family's for," the comical Loud smiled back.
Through her home surveillance system, Lisa observed "Subject Numbers 3 and 4" finally head back to bed, surprisingly keeping the volume off for Luna's sake. 'Even though I can easily determine the subject of their discourse,' she internally surmised, 'the least I could do is give the matters of the heart some privacy.'
"Now, I can finally put this message into perspective," Lisa stated to no one in particular (Lily had been asleep long ago) as she shifted her computer applications to the reply she got from their mysterious observer:
To Lisa "All-Chemist" Loud,
I understand your concerns regarding my young operatives, but I'm afraid that I can't fully restrict them from the area of effect. Our superiors have determined that the A. Nigma High situation is too important to be left in your supervision alone. As such, my charges will be attending the school in the next week. All precautions are being made to make this process as seamless as possible. We'll do our best to not meddle with your affairs, though it would be a boon for you to return the favor.
Your fellow associate
P.S. You're welcome for my addition of Ed McFeeny's entry on your app.
"So, you didn't just humor Lynn earlier; the possibility of the water boy being the thief completely alluded you," came Lucy's voice, shocking the little genius.
"Could you please not do that?!" Lisa pleaded, clutching her chest in shock.
"I can't promise that," the Gothic sister stated with a slight smirk. "I take it that this person is an ally of sorts."
"Just barely," Lisa confessed having recollected herself. "She and her charges will be conducting their own operations that will only intersect with our plights at the bare minimum. Though a few of us have interacted with the latter."
"You mean those teenagers with the strange hair back at the block party?" Lucy asked.
"Indeed," the wunderkind confirmed. "And as per our arrangement, do not let anyone else know."
Lucy just nodded before fading into the shadows, leading Lisa to be unsure if she had ever left the room.
Shrugging off her suspicions, Lisa went back to her computer. "Like she's one talk about other people's follicle stylings with all that hair dye she uses," she snarked to herself.
"I heard that," Lucy's disembodied voice broke through the darkness once more.
"Would you just vacate to your domicile already?!" Lisa shouted.
A.N.: As I've shared before, the turn of the decade has been a tumultuous time for me and made writing this chapter a slog. I just hope you can understand.