Joey: Something's off.
Buddy: Maybe you've finally developed human emotions and feel bad for hurting people.
Joey: No, but that's funny.

Grant: When I see initials carved into a tree with a heart I think it's so romantic. Two lovers on a date... one of them carrying a knife for some reason.

Norman: Two years ago, I married my best friend.
Norman: Susie is still mad about it, but me and Sammy were drunk and thought it was funny.

Wally: Do you want some tea?
Allison: What are the options?
Wally: Yes or no.

*Something crashes*
Grant: Shoot-
Allison: *running into the room in a panic* WHAT FELL?!
Joey: *walking by the room calmly* What died?

Norman: So are you gonna explain how the hell you crashed my car?
Allison: Well we were driving and there was a deer in the road, so I said "Susie, deer!"
Norman: ...And what did Susie do?
Allison: ...They said "Yes, Honey?"

Buddy: I trusted you!
Joey: Why?

Tom: Ah ready for another fantastic day of being better than Joey.

Police: You're under arrest for trying to carry three people on a single motorcycle.
Grant, with Susie and Sammy behind them: Wait, what do you mean THREE?!
Police: Yes…three.
Grant: Oh, my God— What the fuck!?
Police: Wha-
Grant: Buddy FUCKING FELL OFF!

Norman: If you took a shot for every time you made a bad decision, how drunk would you be?
Henry: Maybe a bit tipsy?
Wally: Drunk.
Sammy: Wasted.
Joey: Dead.

Henry to Joey: Me? I'm the bee knees, but, you? You're just...
Wally: Cockroach ankles!
Henry: Ye- uh, what?

Sammy: You're a lying piece of shit!
Tom: Oh yeah? You're the idiot that thinks you can get away with everything you do, WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!
Susie: I'm leaving and I'm taking Allison with me!
Henry, gathering cards: Aaaaand that's enough Monopoly for today.

Grant: If you get in trouble, I'm gonna be like... a lawyer to you. Ok?
Joey: Okay.
*later*
Sammy: Joey! Sit down on the chair, you're in trouble.
Grant, whispering: Deny everything.
Joey, loudly: That isn't a chair.

Allison: A sprite is anything not static.
Tom: A sprite is a variable object, be it 2d or 3d.
Henry: A sprite is a fucking soda.
Henry: You god damn geekass bastards.

Allison: I've invited you here because I crave the deadliest game...
Susie, nodding: Knife Monopoly.
Allison: I was actually going to play Russian roulette, but now I'm really interested in whatever knife Monopoly is.

Buddy: *nudges Tom at 3am* Pretty fucked up that we depict the moon as a girl and the sun as a boy. They're just floating rocks in space. Tom? Wake up, Tom! Listen! They're sexless!
Tom: The sun isn't a rock, go back to sleep.

Norman: How do you connect with a fictional character?
Henry: What?
Susie: What?
Joey: What?
Buddy: *pulls up a 500 slide presentation* I'm glad you asked.

Grant: And here we see Joey and Henry in their natural habitat. Texting eachother variations of the word "garlic bread" to try to make eachother laugh.
Joey: Gaelic bread.
Henry: Grueling brad.
Joey: Ha ha, glamorous beans.

Allison: You deserve a reward for putting up with me.
Susie: You are my reward.
*meanwhile*
Wally: You deserve a reward for putting up with me.
Sammy: True, you can be really difficult at times.

Allison: I'm in love with you.
Susie: We called off the prank war last night at midnight, dork.
Allison: I know.
Susie: Ah. Okay. Um. Cool. Neat. Very cool. Cool. Cool. Coolcoolcool-

Joey: If I die, my funeral will be the biggest party ever and you're all invited.
Grant: "If"
Buddy: Great, the only party I'm ever invited to and they might not even die.

Joey: Hello friends!
Everyone:
Joey: You might be wondering why I'm taped to the ceiling

Buddy: The floor is lava!
Henry: *helps Wally onto the counter*
Allison: *kicks Joey off the sofa*
Grant: *lays on the floor*
Buddy: ...Are you okay?
Grant: No.

Buddy: I have been tricked, I have been backstabbed, and I have quite possibly been bamboozled.

Susie, sweating: Allison, there's something I need to ask you-
Allison: Finally! You're proposing!
Susie: How'd you know?
Allison: Susie, you've dropped the ring five times during dinner.
Allison: I even picked it up once.

Buddy: I keep a picture of all of us in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties, I take it out and stare at the picture.
The Squad: Awwww-
Buddy: And I tell myself "If I can deal with these idiots, then I can deal with anything."
The Squad: Oh.

Wally: Why don't you go talk to them?
Allison, sarcastically: Oh. Yeah, sure.
Wally: What? So you go tell them they're cute, what's the worst that could happen?
Allison: They could hear me.

Joey: You know, when Sammy comes over, Susie can get a little…
Buddy: Psycho?
Allison: Scary?
Norman: Drunk?
Joey: All three.

Susie: Given the circumstances, I will let you hug me for four to five seconds.
Allison: Forty five seconds?!
Susie: No! I said four TO five seconds.
Allison, hugging Susie: Too late.

Wally: Say no to drugs.
Allison: Say yes to drugs.
Susie: It doesn't matter if you say yes or no to drugs. If you're talking to drugs.. then you're on drugs.

Joey: Do I least have a chance to explain myself?
Susie: This is America, so nope!
Joey: This isn't America, this is OHIO!

Allison: I am very small and I have no money, so you can imagine the kind of stress that I'm under.

Joey, holding a rock: Henry just gave this to me and said "I feel like you deserve the moon but all I can give you is a rock".
Norman: If you don't marry them, I will.