Henry: Don't you have any dignity, Joey?
Joey: Uh, no.

Grant: I'm bored.
Shawn: Wanna commit first degree murder?
Grant: Sure!
Tom, hearing them: No- Stop, don't do that! Put that knife down! Put Joey down!

Grant: Don't worry, I know exactly what I'm doing. Everything is going to be fine!
Norman: How can you still say that?
Grant: Because sometimes, when things get tough, denial is all we have.

Susie, hungover: Please tell me I'm imagining that I claimed I was king of the ducks.
Allison: I would, but then I would be lying to the King of All Ducks.

Wally: I've never asked someone out. How do you even do it?
Susie: Oh, what I do is, I look them up and down and I say: "Hey… how you doin'?"
Allison, scoffing: Oh, please.
Susie, to Allison: Hey, how you doin'?
Allison:
Allison: *giggles and blushes*

Henry: That's ridiculous, Joey doesn't have a crush on me.
Wally: Yes they do.
Buddy: Yes they do.
Joey: Yes I do.

Joey: Yo dumbass, get over here.
Wally: Okay-
Shawn: *gleefully runs past* I'm coming!
Wally, sadly: I thought... I was dumbass...

Norman: Do you love Susie?
Allison: Yeah, I do.
Norman: Buddy! I told you I knew it! You owe me 100 bucks!
Buddy: We all love Susie. You should've asked if they were IN love with them.
Allison: I thought that was implied.
Buddy: ...
Norman: ...
Allison, looking straight at Buddy: Congrats Norman, you just won 100 bucks.

Susie: Some people are like slinkies.
Norman: What?
Susie: Not really good for much but bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.
Norman:
Norman: Please don't push Joey down the stairs.
Susie, pushing Joey down the stairs: Too late.

Shawn: But seriously, what is the real plan here that has to do with not fucking around?
Grant: There is no plan that does not involve fucking around. But we will make sure all of our fucking around will be applied in a constructive direction.

Shawn: Joey isn't talking to me.
Allison: Enjoy it while it lasts.

Joey: We're kind of missing something guys.
Grant: Cohesion?
Sammy: Teamwork?
Shawn: A general sense of what we're doing?
Buddy: And Wally is not here.
Grant: Oh, and that, yeah.

Susie: What is everyone for Halloween?
Tom: I'm superman.
Joey: A clown.
Susie: So I'm guessing we don't need to get you a costume then?

Sammy: Tom, what are you doing?
Tom: Making chocolate pudding.
Sammy: It's four in the morning, why are you making chocolate pudding?
Tom: Because I've lost control of my life.
Tom: Here's your pudding, Wally.
Wally: Oh that's okay, I'm not hungry anymore.

Buddy: How high are you?
Joey: Mm, I don't know how to say it in feet.
Henry: No, they're asking what drugs are you on.
Joey: Oh, antidepressants, why?

Susie: Wakey Wakey Eggs and Bakey!
Shawn: But I'm a vegan.
Susie: Wakey Wakey Vegetables and Sadness.

Wally: LOWERCASE LETTERS ARE FOR THE LOWER CLASS!
Buddy: And here we have a capitalist.
Allison: Did you just-
Shawn: Let us all take a moment to appreciate that all of human history, human language, and the universe itself aligned to make this joke possible.

Wally: Don't go to the kitchen.
Shawn: Why?
Wally: I saw a spider.
Shawn: Well, did you kill it?
Wally: It has 8 arms and I only have 2, it's not fair...

Grant: I'm Grant. I'm an accountant.
Joey: I'm Joey. I have a knife.

Sammy: BEHOLD, the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it, and thou shalt see that it is barren!

Allison: Susie, I rebuke thee! I rebuke thee!
Susie: Rebuke? Is that a word?
Allison: You have all invoked my fury! You will all pay recompense for your transgressions!
Susie: What, you got like a word-a-day calendar or something?

Buddy: Is Sammy always like this when they lose?
Allison: Oh, yes. You should've been there for the Great Jenga Tantrum of 2015.
Sammy: You bumped that table and you know it!

Wally, explaining why they are not allowed to cook: I put the noodles in the pot and put the pot on the stove and turned the burner on high. Turns out you don't put noodles in marijuana and I almost burnt the whole house down.

Grant: My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.

Joey: How is the most beautiful person in the world?
Henry: *blushing* I—
Norman, butting into the conversation: Sammy is perfect, thanks for asking.

Norman: Ah, yes. Here we have a beautiful couple...
Susie: I really care about your feelings!
Allison: I really care about YOUR feelings!
Norman, turning their head: ...and then there's the disaster couple...
Sammy: YOU NEED TO PAY MORE ATTENTION TO ME INSTEAD OF BEING AT THE HOSPITAL!
Wally: I WOULDN'T HAVE TO SPEND SO MUCH TIME AT THE HOSPITAL IF YOU STOPPED INSISTING ON FIGHTING EVERYONE WHO COMES WITHIN A FIVE FOOT RADIUS OF YOU!

Wally: Those darn tall old people.
Shawn: Darn em' indeed.
Buddy: Don't worry, they'll be gone soon enough.
Susie: *sharpening knife* Yes. Dead.
The Squad:
Susie: Hahaha.
Susie: ...Is this self-destructive behaviour?

Joey: Sleep is the body's best safety mechanism.
Grant: How so?

Susie, holding an antique bottle: Is this whiskey or perfume?
Joey: *grabs and chugs the entire bottle*
Joey:
Joey: It's perfume.

Sammy, texting group chat: What flavour of ice cream do you guys want? I'm at the store so be quick!
Wally: Moose Tracks is good!
Shawn: What the fuck is that!?
Wally: *Gasp* How dare you insult moo-
Shawn: No. No no not that. What the hell. Why do you spell flavor like flavour. It's like you have flavor but then this guy shows up and is like "Oui Oui Would you like chocolate flaVOUR or vanilla flaVOUR.
Sammy and Wally: what?
Shawn: I don't get it why add the EXTRA u when it's PERFECTLY FINE AS IT IS!?
Sammy: You done now?
Shawn: Yeah ok.
Sammy and Wally: ...
Shawn: ...Can I have the Mint Chocolate chip flavour?