Henry: What if mayonnaise came in cans?
Joey: Well, that would such because you can't microwave metal.
Tom: Good morning to everyone except these two people.

Henry: If the thought of something makes any of you giggle for longer than 15 seconds, you are to assume you're not allowed to do it.

Joey: Not gonna lie, I'm kind of afraid of Grant...
Tom: As you should be.
Joey: No, for real, they're kind of-
Tom: As. You. Should. Be.

Grant: Do you have any idea what you're doing?
Joey: Why start now?

Wally, slamming pots and pans together to the rhythm of "Give it to me, I'm worth it": I didn't get no sleep cause a' y'all! Y'all never gonna sleep cause a' me!

Joey: You think you're smarter than everyone else.
Tom: I don't think I'm smarter than everyone else. I know I am.

Joey: Life is like Allison. It's short.

Norman: When you work at lush and a customer comes in and bites the soap because they think it's cheese... this happens way more frequently than you think.
Sammy: If you stopped literally presenting soap as deli food this wouldn't happen.
Norman: Who goes into a bath store and thinks something covered in glitter is cheese?
Susie: Who goes to the store and just takes a bite from the cheese?

Grant: I failed my safety training course today.
Tom: Why, what happened?
Grant: Well one of the questions was "In case of a fire, what steps would you take?"
Tom: And?
Grant: Well apparently "FUCKING LARGE ONES" isn't an acceptable answer.

Norman: The moon looks beautiful, doesn't it?
Wally, looking at Norman: Yeah… but do you know what's more beautiful?
Norman and Wally in unison: *sighs* Sammy

Norman, at an awards show: Well, first of all, I'd like to thank Sammy, the love of my life, for telling me Wally was going to win so don't bother to prepare a speech.

Susie: The only straight I am is a straight-up badass.

Wally: What are you drinking?
Sammy: Vodka.
Wally: Straight?
Sammy: No, gay. Why?

Joey: God has let me live another day and I'm going to make it everyone's problem.

Sammy: I think I'm falling for you.
Norman: Then get up.

Shawn: Joey, what are you doing?
Joey: *shaking a cat shaped piggy bank* I'm just trying to figure out how much change I have inside.
Shawn: You could always take it out and count it.
Joey: Where's the fun in that?

Joey: Christmas is cancelled.
Shawn: You can't cancel a holiday.
Joey: Keep it up, Shawn, and you'll lose New Year's too.
Shawn: What does that mean?
Joey: Henry, take New Year's away from Shawn.

Wally: Die.
Tom: Please don't die!
Wally: DIE!
Tom: PLEASE DON'T DIE!
Buddy, confused: Why are they yelling at a plant?
Allison, watching while eating popcorn: They bought it together and Tom wants Wally to accept it as their kid.

Sammy: I tried to write 'I'm a functional adult' but my phone changed it to 'fictional adult' and i feel like that's more accurate.

*Susie dies in a game with ships*
Norman: This ship is no longer a ship of love, it's a ship of vengeance, a gavel of justice against all that is wrong in the world, showing no mercy, as no mercy was shown to us.
Norman: The spark of love will now fuel the fires of destructive glory as I wage my war across the world with righteous fury.
Joey: Legend has it that Susie still haunts the ship, stealing my fucking drinks.
Susie: Of course I do.

Joey: So I can either do something dumb that could very well get me injured or I can listen to Grant and not do the thing,
Joey: Well there's a clear right answer here.
Joey: *proceeds to throw five packs of mentos into a barrel full of diet coke*

Wally: I have the sharpest memory here - name one time I forgot something!
Shawn: You left me, Norman, and Tom in a Walmart parking lot at 2am a day ago.
Wally: I did that on purpose, try again.

Susie: You're my best friend, I would do anything for you.
Allison: I want you to eat 3 meals a day and have a decent sleep schedule.
Susie: Absolutely not.