Shawn: Time for plan G.
Allison: Don't you mean plan B?
Shawn: No, we tried plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties.
Buddy: What about plan D?
Shawn: Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago.
Grant: What about plan E?
Shawn: I'm hoping not to use it. Joey dies in plan E.
Sammy: I like plan E.

Joey: Do you cook?
Wally: I made a cake once.
Allison: Yeah, it was good.
Wally: Really?
Allison: Don't make me lie twice, Wally.

Norman: It's funny how well you and Susie get along. Didn't they hate you at first?
Allison: Susie hates everybody at first. It's their way of reaching out to people.

Joey, about Sammy: They're speaking some kind of French.
Tom: Let me handle it. I speak Spanish. It's the same thing.

Joey: Sometimes I like to place my hands on someone's cheeks, look into their eyes...
Joey: ...And violently jerk their head until it snaps.
Henry: ...That took an unexpected turn.
Tom: So did their neck.

Tom: Okay, can we all stop saying stupid shit for a moment, please?!
Henry: Alright.
Susie: Hey, I-
Tom: SHUT UP!
Susie: I HAVEN'T EVEN FINISHED MY SENTENCE!
Henry: It was bound to be stupid.

Grant: I'm never having a debate with Joey again, they literally started their argument with "Riddle me this."

*In a horror movie situation*
Buddy: I've got no service in my phone here.
Norman: Shoot, my battery just died.
Shawn: Sorry guys, I just broke my phone with a hammer.
Allison: Guys, my phone is a book.

Grant: Henry, gather the others. We need to have another Joey-is-doing-something-stupid-again-and-we-have-to-stop-them-before-they-hurt-someone convention.

Wally: The greatest trick the devil ever played was getting me banned from a all you can eat pizza buffet.
Sammy: Why'd you get banned?
Wally: Touched the rat.
Sammy: … What rat?
Wally: Chunky Cheese.

Sammy, cowering in fear: What do you want from me?!
Wally, standing in front of Sammy: *bites into the whole KitKat bar like a heathen*
Sammy, crying: Please...stop...

Joey: If I may interject...
Henry: Oh, awesome, Joey was eavesdropping.

Shawn: How do you do that?
Tom: I'm fearless.
Grant: I saw you run from bees yesterday. You flailed around and tripped over a chair. It was both hysterical and sad.
Tom: I'm mostly fearless.

Wally: Why doesn't Sammy find me sexy when I bite my lip?
Susie: What do you look like when you bite your lip?
Wally: *bites lip*
Susie: ...Have you considered biting your bottom lip instead?

Henry: If I ever had a child, I imagine they would be a lot like you.
Joey: Aww, thanks—
Henry: Which is probably why I've never reproduced.

Wally: Don't stay up all night, Joey. Last time you got this sleep-deprived, you tried to eat your own shirt.

Susie, writing in their diary with a glitter gel pen: I'm losing my sense of humanity. Nothing matters. God is dead. There's blood on my hands.

Tom: You are irrationally angry 365 days a year.
Sammy: Well, that's just your personal opinion, I don't have anger issues. Do you guys think I have anger issues?
Buddy: Well, I wouldn't really call it an issue. An issue is something you can fix.

Joey: Did you miss me while I was gone?
Grant: You were gone?

Tom: You saved me! Why?
Allison: People would think I murdered you if I didn't.

Susie: I don't think the therapist is supposed to say 'wow' that many times during their first session with a client, but here we are.

Henry: Where's Joey?
Shawn: Doing stuff.
Henry: I don't like the sound of that. Where's Sammy?
Shawn: Trying to stop Joey from doing the stuff.
Henry: And Buddy?
Shawn: Trying to stop Sammy from stopping Joey from doing the stuff.
Henry: I see. And what are you doing here, Shawn?
Shawn: I'm supposed to stop you from stopping Buddy from stopping Sammy from stopping Joey from doing the stuff.

Joey: I see the red flags, I acknowledge that they're there, and then I completely ignore them.

Joey: Evil never sleeps!
Sammy: But ugly gets plenty of rest.

Joey: Guess what number I'm thinking of.
Tom: 420?
Joey: No, that's really immature of you. Someone else guess, and please take this seriously.
Allison: 69.
Joey: Yeah it was 69.

Shawn: How would you like your coffee?
Susie: As dark as my soul.
Shawn: Got it, one cup of milk coming right up!

Joey: Can you be quiet?! I'm trying to think.
Henry: Don't worry. Doing anything for the first time is difficult.

Susie: Y'know, maybe things aren't so bad. I'm here. I got the nice ocean breeze. Just alone with my thoughts.
Henry: Hey, Susie.
Susie: GODDAMNIT!

Joey: We're all in this together. If one of us falls, we all fall. Nobody is expendable on this team.
Buddy: Sounds fake but ok.

Sammy: You can't wake up if you never got to sleep.

Kidnapper: We have your child
Tom: I don't have a child?
Kidnapper: Then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crusts off their sandwich?
Tom: Oh god, you have Wally

Henry: What would Joey think?
Norman: Ok, that's an interesting thought, but hear me out: what if… we ran an experiment where we spent the rest of our lives finding out what happened if we never told them?

Susie: No, I don't want to talk about physics! I don't know anything about the laws of physics because they are hard and boring. I simply would like them to behave in a way that is most convenient to ME and MY LIFE! Is that really asking too much?
Norman: Yes, as a matter of fact, it is!
Susie: Well, guess what? Science is stupid bullshit!
Norman: You take that back!
Susie: No. Magic is awesome. Science blows. The end.