Joey: That's greatly offensive to my people.
Buddy: College dropouts?

Susie: Joey won't wake up, what do I do?
Tom: Did you try kicking them?
Susie: Yes.
Tom: I'm out of ideas.

Joey: Hold on! I'm having one of those things... a headache with pictures.
Buddy: What the fuck?
Allison: They're having an idea.

Henry: ...Thou shalt not marry each other, for thy art both sinful...
Susie: I just wanna fucking marry Allison!

Joey: Why is Wally crying?
Tom: They saw a leaf on the sidewalk and-
Wally: IT LOOKED SO CRUNCHY!
Joey: Please don't say what I think you're gonna say-
Wally: AND WHEN I STEPPED ON IT THERE WAS NO CRUNCH!
Joey: NO, NOT THAT!

Tom: You bought a taco?
Wally: Yes.
Tom: From the same truck that hit Sammy?!
Wally, with a mouthful of taco: Well, me starving ain't gonna help them.

Joey: *double checking supplies in the boat* Compass. CB radio. Sunscreen.
Buddy: Hot dog costumes!
Joey: I'm sorry, what?
Buddy: You know, in case we get lost at sea, and one of us, probably Henry, goes mad with hunger, we'll put these on. Henry hates hot dogs, so they probably won't eat us.
Joey: Are you saying that Henry would rather eat us than hot dogs?
Henry: I do hate hot dogs.

Tom, knocking on the door: Grant, open up!
Grant: It all started when I was a kid.
Tom: That's not what I-
Sammy: Let them finish!

Susie: The odds of this happening by coincidence are vanishingly small.
Allison: I would say infinitesimally.
Joey: And I'd say teenily-weenily. We all know words.

Tom: I think I did fairly well on my anatomy quiz! :)
Allison: I forgot I was doing a test.
Tom: Allison.
Allison: I said the vertebrae was the back stick because I thought it was funny...
Buddy: Allison.

*Susie is telling a story*
Allison: Wow, Susie, this story has everything! Action! Adventure! Romance!
Shawn: Romance?
Allison: I have a crush on them.

Susie: I will send my army to attack!
Susie: *releases a dumpster of raccoons*

Grant: If looking good was a crime, you'd be a law abiding citizen.

Shawn: Do you know that we are made out of atoms?
Shawn: And atoms never touch each other.
Shawn: So in my defense, officer. I did not punch this kid.

Joey: You know, studies show that keeping a ladder in the house is more dangerous than a loaded gun.
Joey: That's why I own TEN guns.
Joey: Just in case some maniac tries to sneak in with a ladder.

Wally: *watching their house burn down*
Wally:
Wally: *starts filming* Waddup, guys, welcome to my vlog, today's topic: how to get away with accidentally committing arson because you forgot Spaghetti O's cans are metal and thus non-microwavable! Step one: deny everything.

Susie: Hey, quick question. How petty am I allowed to be?

Shawn: Oh god, they texted you 'hi.'' punctuation only means one thing, Joey. They're mad at you.
Joey: No, it's Wally. They're just being gramatically correct!
*meanwhile*
Wally: And then I used a period so they'd know that I'm mad at them.
Susie: A period doesn't say 'I'm mad', it says 'you're dead to me'.
Wally: I stand by my choice.

Norman: I love you.
Sammy: I love you too. I've waited so long to hear you say that.
*Norman and Sammy kiss passionately*
Allison, to Susie: You owe me 20 dollars.

Buddy: My stomach growled super loud in French.
Buddy: I would like to clarify, my stomach did not speak in French. It growled during French class.
Allison: Bonjour.
Henry: Le growl.
Grant: Hon hon hon, feed me a baguette.

Allison: That's ridiculous, Susie doesn't have a crush on me.
Henry: Yes they do.
Buddy: Yes they do.
Susie: Yes I do.

Joey: Croissants: dropped
Buddy: Road: works ahead
Henry: BBQ sauce: on my titties
Shawn: Shavacado: fre
Norman: Miss Keisha: fuckin dead
Allison:
Allison: ...I didn't understand a single word of that and I hate every single one of you.

Sammy, to the Squad: I'd die for you.
Susie: Then perish.
Grant: You will.
Wally: Please don't.
Joey: Cool.
Norman: I'd die for you first.

*The squad's reaction to being told they're the chosen one*
Allison: I will not let you down.
Joey: Sounds fun.
Wally: K.
Sammy: No, I'm fucking not.
Buddy: Do I have to be?
Susie: Please god, I am so tired.

Allison: I'm the smartest person in my friend group.
Wally: You hang out with Shawn, Joey, Norman, and Grant.
Wally: It's not as high a compliment as you think.

Grant: I CAN'T DO IT!
Joey, laughing: I CAN'T EITHER!
Grant: I CANT FUCKING DO IT ANYMORE
Henry: WELL I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, YOU CAN EITHER GIVE UP NOW, OR YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT. BECAUSE WE CERTAINLY CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT YOU, AND WE KNOW YOU CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT US.
Grant:
Grant: I appreciate it,
Grant: BUT LOOK WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH-
Norman: Grant-
Grant: YOU GOTTA DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE!
Susie: Grant we gotta-
Grant: YOU GOTTA DRAW A FUCKING LINE IN THE SAND. YOU GOTTA MAKE A STATEMENT.
Grant: YOU GOTTA LOOK INSIDE YOURSELF AND SAY 'What am I willing to put up with today?'
Grant, motioning to Shawn: NOT FUCKING THIS!

Buddy: Stressed.
Grant: Depressed.
Sammy: Possessed.
Shawn: Obsessed.
Joey: Impressed.
Wally: Chicken breast.
Everyone: ...What?
Wally: I just wanted to join in.

Susie: *dies*
Buddy: Timer starts now! When are they coming back? I say two months!
Shawn: Bullshit. One month.
Joey: Nah, half a month.
Allison, sobbing: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? SUSIE JUST DIED!
Sammy, scratching chin in thought: One week.