Joey: Hello, my name is Failure, and you're watching my life crumble into pieces.
Joey: *waves their finger and sings like they're in a Disney Channel intro*

Wally: Hi.
Shawn: Hey, did you do what I said? Did you tell them?
Wally: I did.
Shawn: And what did they say?
Wally: "Thank you."
Shawn: You're totally welcome. What'd they say?
Wally: They said, "Thank you." I said "I love you" and Sammy said, "Thank you."

Henry: How do you know how to kiss? Like who teaches you?
Joey: Well it's actually a class, but unfortunately it's full right now.
Joey: Would you like me to tutor you?
Buddy: That was smooth.

Joey: Hey, can I get a sip of that water?
Grant: It's not water.
Joey: Vodka! I like your sty-
Grant: It's vinegar.
Joey: …What?
Grant: It's vinegar, PUSSY.

Susie: There's something I have to ask about you-know-who.
Norman: Voldemort?
Susie: No.
Norman: Is it Voldemort?
Susie: It's not Voldemort.
Norman: You haven't mentioned wizards once this conversation, so I'm gonna have to assume it's Voldemort.

Allison: Have I ever told you that you cook well?
Wally: Awww, no, you haven't!
Allison: So why do you keep cooking?

Sammy: Look, Susie, if you can fit your head down the gun's barrel, you can assume it doesn't have a non-lethal setting.

Allison: If I run and leap at Susie, they will most certainly catch me in their arms.
Allison, running towards Susie: Coming in!
Susie: No! I'm holding coffee!
Susie: *Drops coffee and catches Allison*

Buddy: Why is Joey crying on the floor?
Allison: They're drunk.
Buddy: And?
Allison: They saw a picture of Henry's spouse.
Buddy: But they're Henry's spouse.
Allison: I know.

Wally, seeing a banana on the car seat: What the FUCK?
Wally, buckling the banana up: Fucking buckle UP, it's the LAW!

Wally on Monday: *glues a dime to the sidewalk* Heh heh heh.
Wally on Wednesday: *walking down the street* Ooh hey! A dime!

Joey: Shawn just said "I have an appetite for destruction" and then they reached down and untied my shoe.

Joey: If I had a face like yours, I'd put it on a wall and throw a brick at it.
Buddy: If I had a face like YOURS, I'd put it on a brick and throw a wall at it.

Henry: Susie has no survival skills, their need to win has replaced them.
Norman: That can't be true!
Henry: Watch this.
Henry: Hey Susie, race you to the bottom of the stairs!
Susie: *Throws themself out a window*

Sammy You're drunk.
Joey:Correction: drinking. Present tense. Grammar, Sammy.

Buddy: Oh, fiddlesticks! That really ruffles my feathers!
Susie: Please, just say fuck.

Sammy: Buddy, I don't like you.
Buddy: What did you say?
Sammy: You heard me!
Buddy, internally: And it turns out I actually didn't hear what the fuck you just said.

Henry: Wait. Where's Susie? They love Dungeons and Dragons.
Buddy: I thought you invited them.
Wally: Uh, I thought Sammy invited them.
Sammy: I thought Sammy invited them.
Sammy: I never invite them.

Allison: You believe me?
Susie: Allison, you're the last good person on this planet. I'd believe cartoon birds braided your hair this morning.

Grant: How would you like your coffee?
Allison: As dark and as bitter as my soul.
Grant, shouting to someone behind the counter: I need one vanilla latte with extra cream and sugar!

Susie: New year, same me. Because I'm perfect.

Norman: What are you writing?
Sammy: The government wants to know what kind of weapons we have in the house. I'm letting them know it's private information.
Wally, looking over Sammy's shoulder: This just says 'fuck around and find out' in calligraphy.

*In the chip aisle at Walmart, doing a late-night grocery run.*
Henry: *Minding their own business, looking for tortilla chips.*
Henry: *Finds tortilla chips.*
Sammy, to Joey: See, they know what they're here for. They know what they're doing. Be more like them. Make a decision, Joey!

Joey: Don't break someone's heart, they only have one.
Shawn: Break one of their bones instead, they have 206 of them.

*Joey and Henry's house is on fire, but they don't know it*
Joey: Damn, it's hot in here.
Henry: I know, it's so hot there's smoke coming out of the vent!
Joey:
Joey: First of all, I'm assuming you have no idea what the problem with that statement is.
Henry: What?
Joey: Second of all, we need to get the fuck out of here, NOW.

Buddy: Hey Grant, do you have any hobbies?
Grant: Swimming..
Buddy: Really? That's cool. I never expected you to-
Grant: In a pool of self hatred and regret.

Wally: I like to play this game called nap roulette. I take a nap and don't set an alarm. Will it be 20 min or 4 hours? Nobody knows. It's risky and I like it.

Henry: Susie, no.
Susie: Susie, yes.

Joey: Why do you not believe that ghosts are real?
Allison: Never seen one.
Joey: Okay, I mean, there's a lot of things that you can't see that are real.
Allison: What can't I see?
Joey: You can't see gravity. That's real.
Allison: Yeah, I can drop an apple.
Joey: Fuck.

Susie: Okay, if we can't do it by sheer force, we'll do it my way.
Joey: But your way is sheer force!

Sammy, holding in their laughter: Hey, how do you ask a glass of water what it's doing?
Bertrum: A glass of water is an inanimate object. Therefore, it's incapable of having a thought process or understanding basic human language.
Sammy:
Sammy: Water you doing?

Norman, in a high voice, holding Barbie: Hey, Ken! I was thinking about going back to school and starting a career!
Grant, in a deep voice, holding Ken: Nonsense, Barbie. You're staying home and having my kids.
Shawn: What the fuck are you guys doing?
Norman: Playing systemic oppression.

Susie: I'm going to hell.
Joey: Probably.
Susie: I'll pick you up?
Joey: *nodding* Carpool.