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Ch. 3
Jailhouse Rock

Butters and I made our way back to Kupa Keep as fast as we could. There were no fast travel flags anywhere, so we had to run. By the time we got there, everyone else was already assembled. Token and Tweek had already arrived, both dressed appropriately now.

"Where have you guys been?" Token asked.

Before I could respond, Cartman stepped out from inside his tent.

"SOLDIERS REPORTING FOR DUTY, GRAND WIZARD!" Butters declared.

"Nice work, Ash," said Cartman. "Now all my men are here and ready to fight for the- wait a minute… where is Feldspar? Where's my level twelve thief?"

I took a deep breath. "My king, I bring terrible news. Your warrior, Craig, has been sentenced to jail today."

"What?!"

"He's in detention," said Token.

"H-he flipped off the principal," added Tweek. "So he's in detention again."

"Oh my God…" Cartman sighed. "If they've locked away our thief in detention we have no hope of getting back the Stick of Truth. We have to break him out!"

"Agh! No way, man!" Tweek cried out. "Last time we broke Craig out of detention we ALL got in trouble!"

"Getting into trouble is a risk that Ash is willing to take!"

I blinked. "Excuse me?! Dude, I just moved here, like, two days ago. I can't get into trouble already!"

"You have to break out our thief, Ash. It's the only way," said Cartman. "But, don't worry. I will not let you go unprepared. I am going to teach you how to use magic. Meet me at the training barracks. It's time for you to learn 'Dragonshout.'"

Before I could question him anymore, he turned and walked off. I turned to look at Butters, who shrugged. I sighed before following Cartman. He lead me to an open area where there were several straw dummies with targets on them.

"You fight well, Ash. But to truly succeed in combat you must learn to harness the power… of your farts."

I spluttered. "What?"

"Farting on an opponent at precisely the right time is key to battle, Ash."

"Dude, that's kinda gross."

Cartman huffed. "C'mon Ash, stop being such a girl."

I glared at him. "Hey, what's your beef with girls?"

"You're kidding, right? A: they could have cooties. B: they don't know how to have fun. Everything is all sunshine and rainbows with girls. They don't know how to play rough like us, Ash. And C: Girls freak out over the tiniest things, like when they get dirt on their shoe, and I don't have time for that," Cartman frowned. "What's got you bothered about girls, anyway?"

I was really tempted to give him hell for what he just said. I play rough and get dirty all the time and I don't care, and I most certainly do not have any cooties. But, I was having so much fun, and I liked playing with all the other guys. If they found out that I was girl, they might kick me out. I know I'll have to come clean eventually, but not today.

"No reason, Grand Wizard," I said. "Let's just continue."

"Good. I shall show you how it's done, but FIRST, you must take the Gentlemen's Oath."

"What's that?"

"You must promise to NEVER, EVER fart on anyone's balls. Okay? Farting on an opponent is necessary, but farting on someone's balls is NOT cool."

I had to bite my lip to contain my giggles. What nonsense. Yet, also understandable. If I had balls, I definitely wouldn't want someone farting on them.

"This is no laughing matter, Ash!"

"S-sorry," I stuttered, still trying to contain myself. "I understand. I swear to never fart on anyone's balls."

"All right. Then, let's begin your training," Cartman walked up to the nearest dummy. "To conjure Dragonshout, you must first clear your mind and take a deep breath… through your butthole. Like so…"

Cartman stood stalk still for a moment before I heard him inhale through his ass. His face scrunched up- from discomfort or concentration, I could not tell.

"Then… let it rumble inside you… and… DRAGONSHOUT!"

He turned his ass towards the dummy and let out a huge, loud fart. The force of the fart hit the dummy and made it wobble for several seconds. I stared in awe. As gross as it was, it was also kind of cool.

"Now you," he said. "Ready? Dragonshout!"

I walked up to the same dummy and turned my ass towards it. This is so dumb… I clenched my hands into fists as I started to inhale through my butt.

"Find the frequency!"

As I continued to inhale I felt it start to rumble deep inside me to the point where I felt like it might explode. I wasn't sure how much longer I could hold it. Then I bent over and let it rip. The dummy flew backwards and wobbled violently, much more so than when Cartman did it before.

"Did I do it right?"

Cartman didn't answer immediately. He stared from me to the dummy, then back to me again.

"My god, that was… incredible. A man could live a hundred years and never again witness a spell so… boisterous," he turned his head, speaking more to himself than to me. "Could it be that the prophecies are true? Could it be that the Dragonborn has come at last in our hour of need?"

I raised an eyebrow. "What're you talking about?"

Cartman shook his head. "Nevermind that now. We must try your skill on a REAL opponent. Hey! Hey, Princess Kenny," he started giggling. "Tehe… could you come here a sec? Hehe, shh! Don't tell him."

"Dude, no-"

"Just real quick, Princess Kenny. Sir Ash wants to show you something."

Princess Kenny quickly walked over and stood in front of me. She quickly got into a defensive stance, but it wasn't going to help for what I had up my sleeve.

"All right, you two- SPAR!" Cartman ordered. "Sir Ash, show Princess Kenny the magical powers I have taught you."

I glared at Cartman before walking closer to Kenny. I got into a stance and began inhaling. I felt it fill and rumble inside me, overpowering before I quickly bent over and farted on Princess Kenny. She took several steps back as she cried out, waving her hands in front of her face. Cartman nearly fell over as he burst into laughter.

"HA! HA HA HA HAAAA! THAT WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS! HA HA AHAHAHA! DUDE THAT WAS FUCKING AWESOME!"

Princess Kenny straightened up and glared daggers at Cartman, then turned to me. I stuffed my hands into my pockets as I shamefully apologized to her. She sighed and patted my shoulder.

"Hmhm mffhmmm mmhm."

"Really? All the time?"

"Mhm, mmfhm."

"We're cool? Are you sure?"

Princess Kenny nodded. We both turned to look at Cartman and saw that he was still laughing. After a few more seconds, he slowly started to calm down.

"O-okay, good job, Ash. That was sweet," he said. "Thanks, Princess Kenny. That's all for now."

I heard Kenny mumble several curse words as she stomped away, her blonde hair bouncing as she walked. Cartman walked over to me as he attempted to clear his throat properly.

"Okay, but dude, seriously remember, don't EVER do that on someone's balls. Okay, seriously."

"Okay, I get it!"

"Right. You have mastered Dragonshout, from now on it will be easier for you," he explained. "Kenny will now assist you on your quest, Ash. Now go get Craig while I rest and relax upon my throne."

Cartman walked away and retreated to his tent. I walked over to Butters, who seemed to be standing guard by the tent.

"So, what's waiting for me at the school, then?"

"Oh, quite a bit," he said. "That dungeon holds many secrets. For centuries, those halls went unmonitored, but then the evil Overlord Mackey rose an army of gingers to protect his precious after-school detention. Now, those minions lurk the halls, terrorizing and suspending the innocent."

I shivered.

"That's not even the worst of it. Legend says there is a sixth grade hall monitor who has a ZILLION freckles and a clipboard made of human bone. They say he has a freckle for each kid he's suspended."

"Now I know why the king is having me do this instead," I grumbled, then looked up at Butters hopefully. "You're not coming?"

"Nah. I gotta stay here and wait for my orders," he said, but he looked nervous as he did. "You and Kenny got this, I know you do. Just be careful."

Slightly disappointed, I nodded. I looked over at Princess Kenny, who now had a bright pink set of bow and arrow with her. She gave me a firm look, like she was ready to go. I smiled.

"Let's go, your highness."

The school was a little bigger than I imagined it would me, but not by much. It was a crude, yellow color that made it stand out against the snow. Kenny pointed over to a window at the front of the building and I walked over to it. I peeked my head up and then immediately brought it back down as I realized that it was full of kids and one weird-looking teacher.

"Craig… Craig, this is detention! Mkay, stop looking at your watch because you are here for THREE HOURS, BUDDY! Mkay!"

"Whatever."

I looked around the room until I finally spotted him. Craig was sitting in the middle row, surprisingly dressed in his robes and cape. Kenny whispered to me that the teacher inside was Mr. Mackey, and that he was the big, bad detention monitor.

"Don't think your friends are gonna come bust you out this time, Craig!"

"My name is Feldspar, I'm a level twelve thief and the humans will soon rescue me from this tower."

"No, your name is fuckin' CRAIG TUCKER and you're in DETENTION! Start doing your homework!" Mr. Mackey shouted. "Mkay, I've got all the doors SEALED and I've got hallway monitors working overtime- nobody is gonna save your ass today, Craig! Mkay?!"

"We'll see about that," I whispered.

I jumped down from the window and went towards the front door. Princess Kenny and I looked at each other seriously before opening the doors. It was very clean and very empty, save for one freckled, ginger boy in the corner. As the doors slammed shut he turned to face us. I could see a sash across his chest that read 'Hall Monitor'.

"Excuse me, but school is OUT and no students are allowed on the premises until tomorrow at 7:30 am."

I rolled my eyes as I walked forward towards him.

"Hey, how yah doin'?" I started. "Listen, I know I'm the New Kid and I might not know how things work around here, but I'm gonna be honest. We're a little pressed for time, so how about you be a sport and let us go on about our day? We'll be outta here before you know it."

The boy stared at me as I walked towards the only set of doors that didn't have a lock on them. The silence was broken as he started to speak again.

"Ah… I-I warn you! Stay away from the doors!" he stuttered. "One step towards them and I will be forced to write you up!"

I raised an eyebrow at him. "Why, though?"

"I am the hall monitor. It is my job and my duty to protect the school within my abilities."

"Oh boy, one of these guys…" I sighed, looking at Kenny. "We had them all the time in New York. I know how to deal with him if things get hairy."

She nodded.

"Hey dude, so, I'm gonna go through here and-"

"You are in breach of school law and must be punished!"

The ginger advanced on us, holding his tiny fists up. I took out my baton out as I sized the ginger up. Then I had an idea. I ran over to him and suddenly let out a huge fart that sent me up several feet. I raised my baton and brought it down on his head, knocking his health down to minimum. Kenny straightened her curls a bit before walking right up to the boy, and kissing his cheek. The poor ginger was so grossed out he vomited before falling onto the ground, defeated.

"Nice one, princess!" I said, giving her a high five.

"Officer down! I repeat, officer d- ah!"

I kicked his hand and knocked the walkie-talkie away from him. I glared daggers at him as I stepped on the walkie and proceeded to crush it under my shoe. He gasped before he went pale and fainted. I went over and louted him for all he had, getting a couple of dollars and some junk I could sell later.

"Let's go, your highness."

Princess Kenny followed me through the next set of doors into the next hallway. It was filled with rows upon rows of lockers and banners. There was also a tall barrier of chairs, accompanied by more ginger monitors.

"Intruder alert!"

"Initiate security protocol!"

I gripped my baton tightly as I looked around the hallway, trying to look for a way to take them out without getting into a fight. I spotted a small book that was on fire in front of me, and I got an idea. I ran forward, bent over and released a Dragonshout. The fire exploded and knocked the barrier down, taking the hall monitors down with it. Princess Kenny clapped and congratulated me as we walked through the mess.

As we rounded the corner Princess Kenny tugged on my robes and pointed forward. There was another set of double doors, the word 'Cafeteria' written above them.

"That's where he is?"

"Mhm!"

I ran forward and attempted to open the doors, but they were jammed.

"Dammit!"

"You're not gonna get through this door, mkay," I heard Mr. Mackey speak from the other side. "You might as well give up because I have hidden the key somewhere and you'll never find it in my office. Aw, dammit… mkay."

I snorted. "Well, we know where it is now. Let's go find it."

We left the cafeteria doors and went around another corner. But just as we did I held my hand out and pushed Princess Kenny back against the wall, hiding us behind a stack of chairs. There was another ginger monitor patrolling the hall. He hadn't spotted us yet. I raised a finger to my lips, telling her to remain quiet. The monitor continued to patrol, walking closer and closer towards us. I looked up at the stack of chairs in front of us and got an idea.

Once the monitor was close enough, I quickly pushed the chairs out away from me. They toppled and fell on top of him, knocking him out. I quickly louted him before running down the rest of the hallway. As we reached the end I heard struggles from another classroom.

"Search 'em!"

"No! Get away from me you freaks!"

I skidded to a halt and stared at the door. What were those gingers doing in there? Out of curiosity and bravery, I tried to open the door, but found that I couldn't. As I looked around for a way to open the door, I noticed that there was a metal makeshift gate cutting us off from the rest of the next hallway.

"Great. Now what?"

Princess Kenny patted my shoulder and told me not to worry. She pointed out a small ginger kid that seemed to be guarding the gate. Then Kenny got down on one knee a mumbled, "Your wish is my command, m'lord." I stood in shock for a moment before straightening up and pointing at the ginger.

"Do what you gotta do."

Princess Kenny stood up and walked over to the gate. She tapped her hand against it to get the kid's attention. Then, she gripped the front of her dress and pulled it down to reveal her chest. I slapped a hand over my mouth, laughing as Kenny giggled and shimmied to coax the kid into coming over.

"Ooooh, wow! Boobies…!"

The ginger quickly ran over and opened the gate. His jaw hung open as he reached his hands out to Kenny.

"Must have… must touch… boobies…!"

Before I could pass out from laughter, Kenny pulled out a beautiful hand mirror and slammed it against the ginger's head. He fell backwards, completely unconscious. I let out the rest of my giggles as I caught my breath again.

"That… was awesome, princess," I breathed.

She giggled. We rounded the corner and saw several more gingers were out, looking ready for a fight.

"Hey," I called out. "So, uh, you still wanna do this or do you wanna be a pal and hand over the key?"

"You can take the brass key from my cold, dead hands!"

"Alright, then."

I took out my bow and placed an arrow in it. I aimed for the tilted bulletin board, and fired. It fell down and knocked out two of the gingers, leaving only one left. I smirked before filling another arrow and firing it at him. He barely had time to recover from his hit to the head before Kenny stepped forward. She started to hum and sing loudly, and suddenly a huge crowd of rats appeared around her. I stared as she continued to sing and pointed at the ginger. Then, a huge wave of rats appeared and came crashing down, knocking him out.

"Dude!" I cheered.

I ran over to the barley squirming ginger and snatched the brass key from his shaking fingers.

"More officers down!" the ginger shouted into his walkie-talkie. "We're taking heavy casualties out here!"

"Dammit, you hallway monitors need to stop playing around!"

"He's got the brass key! He's some kind of dragonborn!"

I quickly ran up to the ginger and kicked him in the face, knocking him out completely this time. He dropped his walkie-talkie, which Mr. Mackey was still talking into.

"Now look, this is detention time, not time to play Dungeons and Dragons! And besides, he's never gonna get inside here because to open the door, you need the gold key and the only way to get the gold key is by getting the silver key, mkay, which even if he HAS the brass key, he still hasn't made it past the boss level. Mkay…"

Boss level? I suddenly remembered what Butters said about the hall monitor with a zillion freckles, and I felt a chill go up my spine.

"Aw, shit…"

"Mmmm mffm hmmf."

Princess Kenny pointed backwards to where we came from. It took a moment before I remembered the other door I tried to get in through. We both turned and ran back down the hallway and didn't stop until I reached the previous door. I could still hear the kid crying from inside as I quickly took out the key and unlocked the door.

"He's here! Guard the key!"

The office was built up with more barricades everywhere. In the far left corner I could see a pair of gingers standing next to a small, weeping child, who looked dirty and injured.

"You know," I spoke up. "I don't like it when narks bully people."

"You should be more worried about yourself, New Kid!" one of the gingers shouted.

I looked at the table and saw a lit cigarette in the ash tray, which was placed conveniently over a box of fireworks. I smirked before picking up the cigarette and dropping it into the box. Fireworks lit up instantly, and several of them went all over the room, knocking out one of the gingers in the back.

"He's crazy!"

"Forget the key! Protect the front lines!"

The box had now begun to smoke, which gave me an idea. I didn't hesitate to do Dragonshout and the first barrier exploded, knocking out the two gingers in front of me. Princess Kenny and I ran through the mess and smashed through the second barrier without problem. By the time we got to the other side, the last remaining ginger had grabbed the crying kid by his collar and was now holding a pair of scissors to his neck.

"I'll do it; I swear to God!"

I glared at him as I slow took out my bow and arrows again. The kid wept softly as I loaded an arrow in and aimed.

"Don't you dare-!"

I fired before he could finish. It didn't hit him.

"Ha! You missed!"

The arrow hit a tall stack of books that was sitting on the table behind him, just as I intended. The stack tipped and fell over, sending a pile of heavy books onto the ginger's head. He released the crying child as he fell over. I placed my bow back onto my shoulder as I walked over to the kid.

"Are you okay?" I asked softly, examining the cuts and bruises on his face.

"I-I am now," he stammered. "Thanks! I thought I was a goner! There were too many of them. They were too strong, their hair too red…"

"Shh, it's okay," I patted his shoulder the same way I had seen Butters do before. "You're safe now. What happened?"

"I heard that Mackey had taken several people prisoners for detention," he explained. "Innocent kids persecuted by the hall monitors. I tried to save them, but the gingers outsmarted me."

"You did good," I encouraged him. "Don't let anyone say otherwise. Look, do you know where a silver key is? If we find it, we can break those kids out."

"Oh, y-you mean this?" the kid reached into his pocket and pulled out a long silver key. "Maybe you can take this key and find the gold key. You can succeed where I have failed! Free Mackey's prisoners!"

I nodded. He straightened his hair as he quickly ran and left the office.

"We found the silver key," I stated. "Now, which office is Mackey's?"

"Hmf mmmfhm!"

"The counselor's office? Where's that?"

Princess Kenny grabbed my hand and quickly lead me out of the office. We ran down the hall together as fast as we could. She continued to hold my hand tightly until she skidded to a sudden halt. She pointed up at the door in front of us, which read 'Counselor'.

"Sweet," I muttered.

I took the silver key and used it to unlock the door. I opened it, and was relieved to see it was empty. I looked all around, trying to see where to look first when something sparkly caught my eye. I looked up and spotted the gold key laying on the top of the bookshelf.

"There it is!" I pointed at it. "How are we supposed to get it from up there?"

Kenny quickly took out one of her arrows and loaded it. She fired and hit the gold key knocking it off the shelf. I ran over and caught it in my hands before it could touch the ground.

"Nice. Let's go free those kids."

We burst out of the office and immediately ran back towards the cafeteria. As soon as I saw it I sprinted for the doors. I took out the key and started to jam it into the lock.

"That's far enough, intruder!"

I froze and turned. A ginger, taller than any I had seen before stood in front of me, with zillions of freckles and hair that was straight up orange. He was wearing what appeared to be armor, and a silver officer badge. I felt a lump form in my throat at the sight of him.

"Where's your hall pass?"

"I… I…"

"No hall pass? Then it's time to write you a referral."

From out of nowhere, he pulled out a staff with a bright red dodgeball tied loosely to it, almost like a mace.

"Oh yeah, that's the boss," Mr. Mackey hollered from the other side of the door. "Good luck fighting this boss, mkay. You still think this is a game, young man?"

Jesus, can't anybody in this town tell that I'm a girl?

"Deadly force is authorized!" the Boss shouted into his walkie.

Two more smaller monitors came to his aid, though he didn't look like he'd need it. The Boss ran straight for me, and knocked me off of my feet with his dodgeball. I coughed as I got back on my feet. Princess Kenny yelled at me to use my Dust of Dreams to stun him. I nodded, quickly taking out the little bag. As the Boss advanced I grabbed a handful and threw it upwards into his eyes. He growled as I punched him in the gut. My punch didn't really do much, but he was too distracted from the dust to move at all.

Princess Kenny brought out her bow and arrows and lined it up at the first small ginger. She fired once, twice, three times into the air, and each one hit the ginger in the head. His health was barley full enough when it was his turn to fight. He brought his piece of wood up and gave a few pathetic swings, which I dodged. The second one started throwing baseballs at us. I moved and ducked my head to avoid them, but one of them came straight for my face. On instinct, I snapped my hand up and caught it. I smirked at the ginger that threw it, and he shivered. I tossed the baseball up in the air, and with my baton I swung and hit it. The ball went straight for the kids head and knocked him back several feet. It was an instant knockout.

"Oh my G-God!" the second ginger stuttered

While he was distracted, Kenny was able to reload her bow and fired three times into the air again. Each arrow hit the ginger hard in the head, knocking him out along with his friend. It was at this point that the Boss had finally straightened up. His eyes where bloodshot, and he looked pissed off.

"Assault! Lawbreaker!"

"I prefer the term 'rebel enthusiast'," I corrected him.

I brandished my baton and farted into the air, sending a few swings down on his head. Princess Kenny summoned her rats once more, sending a huge wave onto the Boss. It still wasn't enough.

"That's it! I'm notifying your parents!"

The Boss brought out his phone and started dialing. I gasped and in a panic I opened the bag of Dust and thrusted it upward. What appeared to be the entire contents of the bag came out and hit his face, sending him backwards. Princess Kenny acted quickly, and sent a single pink arrow out. It hit the Boss right between his eyes.

"I wasn't worthy of… the sash…"

He growled again, his eyes closing as he fell backwards. He had been defeated.

"Mmmhm fmmmhm!" Princess Kenny cheered.

I gave a loud "Whoohoo" as I went back over to the cafeteria doors. I inserted the key and turned it, finally unlocking the doors. I swung the doors open and I heard children gasping.

"Prisoners! You are free!"

Everyone except for Craig cheered as they jumped up and ran out the door. Before I could say anything to him he grabbed my wrist and Kenny's skirt and began dragging us away.

"DAMN YOU, CRAAAAAIG!"

Craig didn't stop running until we had reached the school's exit. The children burst through the doors along with us as we went down the steps. He released us both and straightened out his robes.

"Thanks for busting me out, kid," he said. "Who are you?"

"I am Ash, the Mage," I said, giving him a small bow. "I've just moved into South Park and was recruited pretty recently."

Craig bowed back. "Cool. Hey, what happened to your nose?"

"Huh?"

I touched my nose and felt weird material on my fingers. That when I remembered I still had the bandage that Butters had given me. I flushed and quickly took it off.

"Well, I'm heading to Kupa Keep. See you guys there."

He flipped his cape as he walked away, down the sidewalk. I felt my phone buzz. Another follower.

We were able to use the fast travel by the school to get back to Kuppa Keep within 10 minutes. The kingdom was buzzing and full of kids now. No sooner did I enter the back yard than I heard a voice cry my name.

"Ash! Ash!" Butters ran right up to me. "I heard you had to fight the Boss, are you okay?!"

"A little bruised," I told him. "But, I'll be okay. I found some pretty sweet snacks in the Boss' locker."

Butters sighed with relief. At that moment, Cartman stepped out of his tent and yelled for everyone to gather around him. Butters gestured for us to follow as he left to join the crowd.

"Gentlemen, thanks to Ash, our entire army has assembled," he began. "It is my belief, that he deserves to rank up in level. To honor his efforts, he will no longer be called "Ash." I hereby dub thee- SIR Ash! Congratulations!"

The kids around me all clapped and congratulated me, some clapping me on the back. I smiled at all of them, feeling my chest swell with pride. Butters smiled and clapped the hardest.

"Upon leveling up, Sir Ash, it is only appropriate to reward you with your newest weapon. I present to you… the Wand of Wizarding."

Cartman walked forward and produced a long, green wand with a blue handle. It looked much more impressive than the twig I had been using. I stared in amazement as I reached forward and grasped it. It felt much more powerful, and I stuffed it into my robes with a smile on my face.

"Now, it is time for us to take back that which is rightfully ours," Cartman hollered. "A carrier Raven has come with news that the Stick of Truth has not yet been taken to the Elven Forrest. It is in the possession of… the Bard."

Everyone gasped in shock.

"The Bard?!"

"Ah- Oh god! Not the Bard!"

"The Bard is a level 10 drow elf who can use music to enchant and destroy his enemies!" Butters whispered to me.

"Well, what are we waiting for?" I asked. "Let's go get it!"

"You are brave, Sir Ash, but you are not ready yet," said Cartman. "If you wish to continue your training, make haste to the training grounds!"

I nodded. I quickly followed him back towards the dummies.

"I'm going to teach you how to use a RANGED magic attack," he explained. "It's not easy, but being able to cup-a-spell from a distance can save your life in battle."

"Okay, what do I do?"

"Allow me to demonstrate."

Cartman reached behind and seemed to grab his butt for a moment. He farted, then swung his arm out and opened his hand. The fart went forward and hit the dummy in the head.

"You see how it works? Now you try, way back from where you're standing. Cup the magic, throw it at your opponent."

I bent over slightly as I reached my hand around to my butt. I began to inhale, I let it rumble then let it out. I cupped it into my hand and swung it at the dummy. The head moved so violently that I thought it was going to fall off.

"Yes, YES! But, now let us see how you fare against a REAL OPPONENT!"

"Oh, c'mon dude, not again-"

"Hey! Hey, Malkinson! Malkinson, could you come help us with something? Shh, shh! Don't tell him- this is gonna be sweet!"

Scott ran right up to Cartman. "Yes?"

"Oh hey, Scott. Could you um, spar with Ash real quick? He's gonna try out a new move."

"En garde!" Scott said as he stood in front of me.

"NOW, ASH! CUP A SPELL!"

I sighed. I quickly inhaled and farted into my hand, then tossed it out at Scott's head. He threw his head back and spat in disgust. Cartman started to roar with laughter.

"HAA! HA AHA AHAAA! Dude, that was sweet! You threw that shit RIGHT in Scott's face! Haha! All right, Scott, back to your post. Thank you. Hahaha…"

I sadly watched as Scott stomped away, looking much angrier than I had ever seen him. Cartman was still smiling as he walked over to me.

"Use it wisely in battle, Ash. And never on a man's balls."

He placed a hand on my shoulder and lead me back to the castle. I stayed with the guys while Cartman stood in the middle.

"If the carrier Ravens are correct, the Bard is hiding out at the Inn of the Giggling Donkey. We must find him before he's able to take the Stick back to the Elven Forest."

"Let us find the Bard and bring him to justice!" cried Butters, punching a fist in the air.

"MAKE HASTE TO THE GIGGLING DONKEY!"

With that, we all turned and ran out of the kingdom to find the Stick.