Ch. 5
Mr. Spaceman

"Good night, my little angel," my mother soothed. "I hope you're as happy as we are. Everything is going to be better now that we're in this quiet little mountain town."

"You know, I think you're right, Mom."

She smiled at me before turning off the light and shutting the door. I turned onto my back, pulling the covers over me. I was so snug and comfy in my Ninja Turtle pajamas. Today had been such a fun day, and pretty long too. I had made so many new friends and I was having such a blast with this game we were playing. I can only imagine what other kind of games those boys could come up with. What about pirates? Or monster hunters? Boy, what if they played superheroes? Now that sounds like it would be cool! Maybe we can play after school, or on the weekends, or-

That's when my train of thought came to a halt. School. What was I going to do when I went to school tomorrow? I mean, most of my clothes aren't that girly, so I'm not worried about giving myself away. But, what happens when the teachers see me, or worse, introduce me? I'm the New Kid, obviously they'll introduce me to the class. Teachers tend to used students' full names. 'Ashley' is one of the most feminine names ever, and if they call me out by name there is no way I'll be able to get around it. The guys will know instantly. What'll I do?

My mind was spinning and running with so much in that it wasn't slowing down. I almost thought I wouldn't get to sleep. But, as nervous as I was, I knew getting no sleep wouldn't do me any good. So, with my mood much lower than before, I closed my eyes and tried to sleep.

I had a very weird dream while I slept. I kept hearing this ringing sound all around me, like a whistle or something. I could see light shining through my window, and heard my door creak open. I large white figure with big black eyes entered my room, not saying anything. Before I knew it, a whole group of them had surrounded my bed, looking down at me. I had a feeling of dread come over me before everything went black. I guess this was a weird nightmare or something? The dream took me through what I imagined was the forest by my house. I was dragged by my feet and onto what seemed like cold metal. As it dragged across my back I could feel parts of it scratch me enough to make me uncomfortable. Wait, why was I becoming less tired? I stretched my eyes wide open and-

Oh my god, this wasn't a fucking dream. I really had just been abducted by aliens and I was too tired to try to stop them. And I was inside their fucking spaceship! I was being dragged down a bright hallway when we went passed by some rooms. I looked inside and gasped in horror. Mr. Mackey, Craig and some dude dressed in leather were each in a room, strapped to a table with their asses in the air. They each had a machine hooked up to them from behind… inside their behind!

"…I'm having the dream again… Mkay… This is dreamy…"

"What's… happening…?"

"Oh Jesus…! JESUS CHRIST! Oho, could we try the big silver one again…? Ohoo…"

Okay, now I was really fucking awake. I leaned up and attempted to kick at the alien holding me, but his grip on my ankles was too strong. Soon enough, he brought me to a room of my own and placed me onto a small table similar to the others.

"Hey, w-wait-!"

I was flipped onto my stomach and my hands were pulled forward. Metal clamps came up over my wrists and held me in place. Suddenly, my ass was raised into the air and straps were put around my ankles. I gasped when I felt my pants being tugged down.

"F-fuck off! Stop!"

The aliens ignored me and continued to work. One pulled a long lever and I heard machine wiring from behind me. I glanced back as far as I could and saw a machine similar to the ones the other people had up their asses. The machine flashed and bleeped, then started getting closer.

"No, wait!"

Before I could do anything the machine came forward and shoved itself right up my ass. I yelped and grunted in pain, then disgust. The machine started moving around inside me, causing more pain than anything else. I tensed up, squeezing my ass as hard as I could. Suddenly, there was a loud bang and the movement stopped. Breathing heavily, I turned my head to look behind me. Apparently, I had squeezed my ass so hard that it broke the actual tool off of the machine.

As I stared in amazement the alien pulled the lever again. The machine replaced its tool with a much larger, darker one this time. I gulped. Before I could protest it had gone up my ass once again. This one was even more painful than that last, and I had to bite my lip to keep from crying out. Gripping my hands tightly, I squeezed my ass again, hoping to do the same thing again. Several seconds later there was a loud bang and the machine completely broke this time. The alien jumped in shock and immediately ran away.

Panting heavily from the previous pain, I turned around to look behind me. Unfortunately, when I broke the machine the tool had remained inside my ass. Before I could try to get it out it started shaking rapidly. Suddenly, a small antenna-like piece poked out, blinking and bleeping. It must have been a satellite of some sort. Before I could get a closer look at it, it retreated back into the tool, which was then sucked all the way into my ass. I grunted and my head fell to the surface of the table. I was feeling dizzy at this point, the mix of confusion and pain overwhelming to me.

"Is this your first time getting probed?"

I snapped my head up and looked around. There was another fucking table right beside mine, and on it was a grown man who appeared to be in his thirties, with dark parted hair. He was placed into the same position I was, his pajama pants pulled down as well, and his eyes were clenched shut.

"Y…yeah."

"Yeah, it's a pain, but this is the kind of stuff you put up with living in a remote little mountain town. At least we don't have to deal with traffic."

I shook my head as I started to shake. This wasn't happening, this couldn't be happening. This was normal? This happened often? What was I going to do?

"You know, I'm surprised. This is the first time I've seen the aliens bring a girl up here."

I paused in my panic for a moment. Did he just say 'girl'?

"You… you can tell I'm a girl?" I asked, turning my head to stare at him.

"Sure, I mean, why not? You look like a girl. Besides, the way you were squealing was way too girly, even for a ten year-old boy."

I rolled my eyes. "Hey, why are your eyes closed?"

"Oh, well I closed them 'cause you were… um, yeah. It's not appropriate with how you are now."

I felt a wave of embarrassment envelope me as I realized that my pants were still pulled down. But, I was grateful that he was considerate.

Now that I had gotten over the shock, I needed to find a way out of here. First things first; get off this table. I looked down at the clamps on my wrists and smirked. I leaned forward and began to spit on my wrists. After they were soaked I started to turn and wiggle my hands. Moments later, they slipped right out of the clamps. I quickly undid my ankle clamps and jumped off of the table.

"Hey, you broke free!" he exclaimed. "Kid, you have an incredible control of your asshole!"

"Okay, don't ever say that again," I told him as I yanked my pants back up.

"No, this is good! You can get me loose too!"

I nodded and walked forward, only to be stopped in my tracks. There was a strong shield around my area, encasing me in a bubble of sorts. I cursed and looked around, trying to find a way to help myself. My ass tensed and suddenly the satellite shot right out, blinking and beeping.

"Wow, look at that," the man said, his eyes now opened. "You must have broke off part of the probe and now you can control it with your sphincter muscles. Pretty cool."

Not even bothering to question how he had such knowledge, I looked around to see what could have triggered the satellite. I saw what looked like a tiny robot with antenna that looked like it was flashing and beeping too. I aimed the satellite at the robot and clenched. Immediately, I was transported from inside the shield, to outside the shield.

"I'm surrounded by some kind of force field, too. Go find a way to shut it off," he told me. "When you break me free, I can show you how to get off the ship!"

"Deal," I said. "Hey, who are you anyway?"

"Name's Randy Marsh. Now get going, hurry!"

I nodded before walking towards the door. My foot kicked something and I looked down to see the first probe piece that I had broken before. Grimacing slightly, I picked it up and stuffed it into my pants loop. I needed to have something to fend off the aliens, after all.

Without hesitating, I walked out the front door. This ship was… really fucking weird. I had no time to observe it as I needed to find a way out. As I looked around I saw that the corridor to my left was blocked by some kind of laser shield and a few aliens guarding behind it. They didn't seem immediately surprised by my presence, they just seemed to be waiting for me.

I looked above the aliens and saw that there was a large, broken tube that was spitting purple electricity. I reached down and picked up a piece of trash off the ground and threw it up. It blew up and killed one of the aliens, leaving only two left. I knew I'd probably have to fight these guys, but I needed a way to get to them. I looked all around the room, trying to see if there was another way around. That's when I saw another robot on the other side of the shield. I clenched my ass and the satellite popped out. I aimed it towards the robot and clenched my ass again. I was transported straight to the other side of the shield and behind the aliens into the next hallway.

Before they could do anything I took my probe and swung it down at one of the aliens. His health immediately went below halfway. Wow. These guys were pretty weak. The one I hit sent what looked like large, purple balls of light at me. I dodged two but one of them hit me right in the chest, shocking me. The other took the time to shield himself. I ran back at the first one and gave three, hard power attacks to his head. He went down and the other started sending more electric balls my way too. I blocked them all this time. I ran forward and hit him twice, knocking out his shield.

"Moo… Moo moo…"

I raised an eyebrow, staring at him. Why was he making cow noises? He fired more at me and I dodged. I didn't hesitate to knock him out once it was my turn. Curious, I decided to lout him and see what I'd find. Surprisingly, I found what looked like a ray gun. Awesome! I took it and pocketed it, feeling much more prepared than I had before.

As I walked through the hallway a small TV screen hanging on the wall turned on. Randy appeared, still in the same position I had left him in.

"Oh hey, there you are. Oh, yeah. Yep. That's the lambda containment block. Take that elevator next to you. The probe in your asshole SHOULD interface with it."

"Whatever you say."

I brought out the satellite and locked it onto the blue elevator panel. It fizzed for a moment before the elevator lit up green, unlocking it for me. I pressed the up button and the doors opened. I walked in and waited for the doors to close, letting the elevator take me with it.

God dammit, this Randy guy was really sending me off on a wild goose chase. He lead me up all around through the upper floor of this level, trying to find the machine to shut off the shields. But, even when I found one, it wasn't even the one that I needed to get him free. It just made the giant probe go up his ass over and over again.

"Okay, let's try the other console. God, I hope this works!"

I roll my eyes. Just as I took out my satellite I turned to see… what looked like a tape recorder laying in the corner on the floor. Curiously, I walked over to it and picked it up. It wasn't dusty or dirty, so it couldn't have been here that long. I pressed the play button to see if anything was on it, and I heard a voice speak.

"Uh, hello… is this recording? If you're hearing this, I've been taken hostage on some kind of alien ship. The aliens did- unspeakable things to my rectal cavity. But, I've broken free. I'm so scared and alone. I must find a way off this ship. Oh god, they're coming! Why am I standing here making an audiolog? I don't have time for this!"

The tape ended. I frowned and shrugged, dropping it on the ground.

I took out my satellite again and transported myself. I was teleported up through a floating panel and up to the top of this level. I was in a small, very narrow hallway. There were bright, orange lasers coming up from the floor, turning off and on. On the other side of the lasers were two aliens. I knew I had to get past them, but how?

Okay, these things are pretty weak. Maybe I can try cup-a-spell to distract them while I attack. I walked up as close to the lasers as I could, staring at the alien on the other side. As soon as the lasers turned off I reached behind, let it rip, and then tossed the spell out at the alien. It seemed to hit him right in his face, and a second later he fell to the ground, completely out cold. I stared down at him as the lasers turned on again. I hadn't expected him to get knocked down so quickly.

I peeked up through the lasers to see the other alien staring at me, apparently surprised. I smirked. As soon as the lasers were down I ran across, quickly cupping another spell into my hand. I tossed it out and it hit him in the face. He let out a disgusted 'moo' sound before falling backwards onto the floor. Once he was down I walked over to the small control panel that he had been standing by. Everything was written in a weird, alien language. But, if I had to guess, the big green button had to be good, right? I pressed it, and I heard a whooshing sound from behind me. I turned to see that a door had opened on the other end of the hallway.

I quickly ran down the hall and into the room. There was another machine and a screen that showed Randy stuck on the table. Perhaps this was the one? Well, here goes nothing. The buttons red, green, red, green, green lit up. I pressed them.

"There! I think that- ARGH!"

I looked up in time to see the probe suddenly shove itself inside of Randy. I winced, placing both of my hands on my butt in fear.

"AHH! You've gotta be close… come on, try again!"

I nodded and waited for the buttons. I was expecting another simple pattern, but no. The buttons started flashing and lighting up at top speed, going so fast I wasn't sure how many times they each lit up. It was yellow first, right? Or was it green? No, green was next. Right?

I gulped, and with a shaking hand, I pressed the green button. The machine on the screen lit up and shoved itself back inside Randy, more forcefully this time.

"O-Okay… Next time's gotta be the charm… Give it all you've got!"

"Oh my fucking god…"

I was starting to get annoyed at this point. I stood and waited. But, once again, the buttons flashed so erratically that I could hardly tell what order it was in. I raised my hand. Red, green, red, blue- The machine fired up again.

"Oh geez…" I muttered. "Are you okay?"

"ARGH! You've… gotta keep trying… I believe in you!"

"That might be a mistake."

I took a deep breath and stared down at the buttons, waiting and prepared to remember them this time. The green button flashed twice. That was it. I raised my eyebrows, waiting a few seconds just to make sure it wasn't a trick. Then, I pressed the green button twice. The machine didn't move, and Randy was still stuck.

"Okay, that one doesn't work either. Head back toward the elevator."

I groaned, stomping my foot on the ground. As I did, something fell over and hit the ground. I turned to see another tape recorder, as well as an extra tape. I eagerly picked it up and pressed play.

"Day 2… so hungry… I've searched for food but the only thing I've found are other people's annoying, useless audiologs. Why did they bother when they clearly were in terrible danger? Each audiolog I find is more irrelevant and boring than the last. I must keep looking for a way to survive.

I stopped the tape and took it out. I quickly replaced it with the second tape and hit play.

Day 4… I've looked everywhere but can't find anything to eat… or a clue to get me off the ship. Just more audiologs. They're everywhere! For some reason, I listened to every minute of every one of them thinking there'd be some useful information; but it's like they're just FILLER! USELESS FILLER… THEY'RE FILLER THAT'S DRIVING ME TO MADNESS!

"You're no better than them, dude," I groaned, dropping the recorder back on the floor.

"Okay, I didn't want you to have to do this, but there's one more console you can try in the room across the bridge. The alien who works there is REALLY tough, so be careful and remember to use electricity."

"Got it."

I quickly left the room and teleported myself back to the main floor by the bridge. I looked across and could see the next room over. There was a tall alien in a dark, impressive uniform. Just outside the room was a second alien that had what looked like a night guard uniform on. I tried to think of the best, and quickest way to get rid of them without having to go through a big fight. That's when it hit me.

I took out the laser gun from before and pointed it directly at the alien's head. I never shot guns much, but I played enough shooters to know what I'm doing. I pulled the trigger and the laser hit the back of the security guard's head. He fell forward instantly. The bigger alien turned at the noise, and spotted me. He let out an angry "Moo!" before advancing on me. I ran forward too. At the last second I brought myself down and slid past him with ease. As soon as I was up I swung my leg at his feet, knocking him down. He started to slide off, but quickly grabbed my ankle. I started to slide off too, and I grabbed the edge of the bridge at the last second. He continued to shout "Moo" angrily, grabbing at me and trying to climb up. I glared at him as I aimed the gun at his head and fired. A black burn mark appeared on his head, but he didn't let go. I shot again. He wouldn't let go. Finally, I smacked him with the butt of the gun, and he finally released me. He fell down, down to the deep bottom of the ship.

I quickly climbed back up, straightening myself out.

"Well… that could've been worse."

I ran over into the next room, where there several big red screens and a control panel. There was a large green button in the center, and I pressed it. The red screens changed to blue as they showed the rest of the ship, and I could hear the sound of something wiring down.

"Hey, that did it! The force field's down. Come on back and we can get outta here."

"I'm on my way."

"Great, you made it! Okay, use this panel here and we can all go home."

I nodded and ran forward towards his table. It was another button combination, of course. Yellow, yellow, blue, yellow. I pressed the buttons. Yellow, yellow, blue, yellow, green. I pressed them again. Yellow, yellow, blue, yellow, green, red. I pressed them all a third time. The panel lit up green, and the probe finally backed off. It seemed to just shut down completely. The probe fell out and a large, bright white crystal fell out of the back compartment and onto the floor. Randy turned his head, looking relieved.

"Oh! Oh you did it!"

"Thank god," I sighed, annoyed.

"Thanks, kid!" Randy leapt off the table and yanked his pants up. "I don't know who you are or if you're real, but consider me… your friend."

Not quite sure if this was a good thing or a bad thing yet, I just nodded.

"Thanks. Oh, um, name's Ash, by the way."

"Ash, huh? Odd name for a girl."

"It's short for Ashley."

I walked around Randy and over to the crystal on the floor. Curiously, I bent down and picked it up. It was obviously the power source for the probe, but why would it just fall out?

"Hey, any idea what this is?"

Randy didn't respond. I turned my head and was surprised to see he wasn't there anymore. I turned my head towards the doorway in time to see him run out, waving a friendly hand at me.

"Until we meet again, Ash!"

I raised my eyebrows as I stared after him. So much for a friend, huh? Maybe he was just dim or something.

I stuffed the crystal into my pocket and walked out the door as well. I was about to head for the elevator when I noticed a hatch at my feet opened. I looked over and saw a ladder leading down to a dark room. I looked from the room to the hallway, then back to the room.

"Well, not every day you get to explore a space ship," I said. "Might as well check this creepy shit out before I leave."

With that, I lowered myself down and began climbing down the ladder. It wasn't as dark as I thought, just poorly lit. This had to be the bottom level of the ship. There were tubes and wires going all sorts of places and steam coming through the walls. I cautiously looked around, trying to see if there was anything useful in here. I stepped on something and looked down. It was another audiolog. Oh boy… I picked it up and pressed the play button.

"Success! I found something that looks to be food! It's some sort of green, florescent goo… I'm- I'm gonna have to try and eat some… It's not so bad. It's tangy and nutty, would probably go well with a- I- Wha-what's happening to me? What's it-"

Just as I was starting to get concerned I heard a loud groaning enacted within the room. I took a few steps back, looking around. That's when I realized that the groaning was coming from behind me. I slowly turned around to face the dark corner of the room. There were piles of what looked like trash and beer bottles all around, and I noticed that it was moving slightly. I gulped, and slowly started to back away. As I did, I heard the sound of glass being crushed. I had stepped on a piece of a broken bottle.

Something suddenly burst through the pile and caused trash to go everywhere. It… looked like a hobo. But, he had slightly green skin and was yelling loudly in what I assumed to be German. I screamed, turned and ran for the ladder. I was able to start climbing it just as the hobo ran at me. He reached up and tried to grab my foot, but missed. I climbed up as quickly as I could and as soon as I reached the top I turned and slammed the hatch shut. I could still hear him yelling loudly in German.

I took several deep breaths, trying to calm myself. Though he spoke a different language, his voice had sounded familiar. He sounded just like the guy in the audiologs. Was that him? What happened to him? Was it the goo?

I scrambled to my feet and went down the hallway towards the elevator. Whatever happened to that guy didn't matter. I just want to go home right now. I walked up to the elevator and saw that the light was red. Apparently, it was in need of a power source to fix it. I wonder… I took the crystal out of my pocket and put it in the slot. It closed up and the light turned green. I pressed the button and the elevator opened. I stepped in.

In a matter of seconds, I was transported up to the top level. I reached a hand behind me to grab the blaster in case there were any aliens, but the room ahead was empty. I walked out and looked around. There was a large, circular panel with a hologram of our solar system. On the opposite wall there were dozens of different screens filled with houses and buildings, and I immediately recognized it as South Park. Craig's house was on one screen, Butter's was on another, and my house was on one in the bottom corner. Those bastards!

I took out the probe from earlier and marched right up to the double doors on the left of the room. They slid open, and I saw two alien officers sitting at the front, obviously driving the ship. As I stepped in they both turned and gaped at me.

"We've got a saying back on earth. 'An eye for an eye'," I said as I spun the probe in my hand. "So, who wants their ass torn up first?"

The aliens looked terrified for a moment before jumping out of their seats and pulling out their ray guns. I smirked. This was going to be easy. But just as they stepped forward a large machine came rolling around the corner and stopped between them. It had a large satellite on top and had a panel that was covered in red buttons. It didn't look like it had any weapons, but it was still intimidating. It suddenly did a scan on both aliens, and their defenses went up. Damn, looks like I need to take that thing out first.

The first alien fired at me, and I was able to dodge both blasts. The second alien fired, and I was able to block. Once it was my turn, I instantly turned my attention onto the matrix. I figured Lighting Volt would be best. I pulled out a bucket and tossed water onto it. I pulled out the battery, touched the wires, and dropped them. The matrix's health went down about halfway, and I even managed to hit the aliens too. I quickly backed away, ready for what they had in store for me.

The second alien fired at me again. I blocked the first one, but the second one hit me in the leg. As I was down, the matrix scanned and raised the alien's defense again. The first alien first two shots at me, and I blocked them both. I got back on my feet. I had just enough PP to do another Lighting Volt, and I had to go for the matrix again. I tossed another bucket of water on it and touched the wires. I dropped them in the water, and felt a small jolt go up my leg. My foot had been in the water when I dropped the wires. I lost a small amount of health, but the matrix lost even more.

As I stepped back the first alien pulled out a device and pointed it at me. It seemed to be scanning me. He typed in a few buttons and then stepped back. I looked up in time to see what looked like a giant fucking fire ball come fly straight for me. I dove down, hands over my head as it came crashing down. It barley scraped me. But as I stood up I saw that my right sleeve was on fire. I gasped and started slapping and patting at it, trying to put it out. As I was distracted the second alien fired at me and hit both of my feet, knocking me down to the ground. The matrix scanned the aliens again, and upped their defense.

I finally put out the fire and looked down at my sleeve. It had a large, blackened hole up towards my elbow.

"You dick! These were my favorite pajamas!"

Not even caring if I got shot, I grabbed the probe and ran full force at the matrix. I jumped up and landed on top of it. I raised my hands and smacked it hard three times, knocking off the satellite and crushing the control panel. I jumped off just in time as it suddenly exploded into millions of metal pieces. The aliens looked over at me, suddenly afraid.

"Who's first?" I asked, smacking the end of the probe in my hand.

The second alien, though shaking, raised his gun and fired three times. I dodged the first two and blocked the third. The first one fired his gun as well, but I dodged all of them. I brought up the probe and gave one huge power attack to the second alien. But his defense was so high, it only brought his health down a little.

This fight was going on for ages. I had no more PP, and no potions to replenish it, so I had to stick with what I had. They threw fire and lasers at me, and I managed to dodge most, only receiving a couple of hits. But, at this point my energy was running low, and so was my health. I had to defeat these guys and fast. But how? I didn't have enough health to last them both.

It was my turn again. I was going to go for the probe again, but that's when I noticed it. The second alien's health was dangerously low. Not as low as mine, but low enough that if I hit him at least twice, I should knock him down. I grabbed the probe and ran at him. I gave him two hard smacks to the face and he instantly went down, his laser gun falling out of his hand. I reacted and snatched the gun, raising it up and pointing it at the remaining alien. He aimed his at me, not moving an inch.

"Stay…"

I took a step towards the fallen alien. I held the probe in my free hand, gripping it tightly. Not breaking eye contact with the remaining alien, I raised it high and quickly shoved it right up the alien's ass. No hesitation. He groaned and squealed as I pushed further. His partner had a look of horror and disgust all over his face. I didn't let up until the probe was almost all the way in. I released it and brought both my hands to the gun.

I slowly sidestepped away from the alien and towards the control panel. The alien started making fast, angry 'moo' noises, waving his gun at me, but not moving towards me. He was scared, and I was happy he was. I continued to sidestep until I was in front of the panel. Keeping the gun aimed at the alien, I took one step backwards. The alien fired at me, I screamed and dropped down on my back to avoid it.

There was a big explosion and a flash of sparks. I sat up and saw that the front panel was completely destroyed. Lights were flashing and sirens were going off. I could hear the alien crying out, and I could hear more screaming throughout the ship. I scrambled to my feet and ran forward to look out the window. The ship was going back to earth very fast. It was heading for South Park. The ship started to shake violently, throwing me off balance. My feet slipped and I fell face forward to the floor. My head met hard metal, and everything went black.

I woke up rather easily the next morning. My head felt like it had been hit with a hammer, but other than that I seemed fine. I rubbed my eyes as I slowly sat up. I winced. My ass was freaking killing me! Suddenly, everything I saw while I was asleep came rushing back. Did last night really happen? I shook my head. No, I remember the space ship crashing into South Park. If it did happen, I would've died in the crash. How would I even get back to my room?

Carefully, I got out of bed and stretched my arms out. As I reached for my bedroom door, I glanced down and saw a large, black hole in the middle of my left pajama sleeve. I touched it with my free hand, gaping at it. It did happen…? But, how did I get home?

I flung open the door and quickly made my way to the stairs, practically running down to the living room. I was about to turn to go to the kitchen when I heard knocking at my door. I raised an eyebrow. Who the hell is knocking this early in the morning? I walked over and peeked out the window. It was Cartman. He was fully dressed in his wizard robes, and he was looking frantic. I was about to open the door when I realized that all my hair was down. Shit! I can't let him see me like this. He'll find out I'm a girl! I looked around before Isaw a black beanie hanging on the coatrack. I snatched it off and put it on, stuffing all of my hair into it. Making sure I looked boyish enough, I finally opened the door.

"Oh my God!" Cartman cried, running inside before I could stop him. "They came out of nowhere! There was a huge earthquake and then- and then there was burning in my yard!"

"Dude, slow down," I told him. "What're you talking about?"

"Didn't you hear about it?! It's all over the new! Here, look!"

He picked up my remote and turned on our TV. It switched to the local news station, halfway through a speil.

"…And then a large earthquake and several large fires in the South Park area tonight woke many residents from their sleep. Here with the report is a midget in a bikini."

The camera snapped to an image of what looked like the South Park Mall. But, despite the fact that there was a small man in a bikini, my eyes were focused on what was on top of the building. A very large, very familiar looking ship.

"Tom, government workers here are assuring everyone that nothing out of the ordinary has happened. They claim that the only reason huge tents have gone up to cover this area is to mass the construction of a new Taco Bell, which will open sometime later this month."

"Thanks midget, I do love me some Taco Bell. The mayor of South Park states that last night's tremors and fires are under control and that hopefully schools and businesses can open again soon."

I stared at the screen, my jaw hanging open. Everything that had happened last night, everything that I saw, it had all been real. I got fucking probed in an alien ship and made it crash into town!

"Oh my god…"

"I know, it's horrible!" Cartman continued weepily. "But that's not the worst of it!"

"I got fucking ass raped on a space ship that's crashed into our own mall," I said bluntly. "What could possibly be worse than that?"

"You don't understand! The Elves… they took the Stick!"

"Huh?!"

"Yes, they did! And it's bullshit, because that is totally cheating. We specifically said no trying to take the Stick at night! Elves are dirty little liars and we have to lay waste to their entire base!"

I rolled my eyes. Clearly, the well-being of others wasn't a priority for him. Ignoring the stupidity, I turned to look at Cartman.

"So, are you sure the Elves took the Stick?"

"Who else would it be, Ash?! There's no other enemy we're playing with!"

"Alright, alright! Jesus!" I groaned. "So, why are you banging on my door this early in the morning?"

"Because I believe you will be able to help us!" he exclaimed. "You have some incredible ability to make friends quickly, Sir Ash. I'm sending you on a quest to go out into the lands of Zoron and recruit a whole other faction to Kupa Keep."

I blinked. "Wait, right now? I haven't even had breakfast yet."

"There's no time to waste! Every second spent here is another second the Elves have the Stick. We can't allow them to keep it," he pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket and handed it to me. "Find the goth kids and give them this letter. Get them to join our kingdom and we shall lay waste to the Drow Elves once and for all! Fucking cheaters…"

Without another word, he turned and walked out of my house, shutting the door behind him. I looked down at the letter then back at the door, glaring angrily.

"Fucking tit muncher…"