Ch. 9
Zombieland

The silence as we waited for Stan to arrive was tense and uncomfortable. Butters stood with his arms folded, kicking at the snow as if it had offended him. I understood his frustrations, but I also knew that we couldn't go in there by ourselves. We had no idea what we would be up against, and we would definitely need back up. I just hoped this would come back to bite us in the ass somehow.

"Psst!"

My head snapped up at the sound and I turned. Stan had appeared from behind another pile of snow, his sword already out. He looked around for a moment before sheathing his sword and walking towards us. Butters stood closer to me as he got near us, and I had to force myself to ignore the happy rush it gave me.

Stan folded his arms as he stood in front of us.

"Paladin."

"Ranger," Butters responded stiffly.

I rolled my eyes and grinned at Stan. "Thanks so much for coming."

"I said I'd repay you, and I intend to fulfill that promise," he glanced over at the wreckage beside us. "So, this is the place?"

I nodded. "Yes, and there's definitely more manpower in there than we're prepared for. I have a way for us to sneak around, but we need a plan for when we inevitably run into trouble."

"What were you thinking?"

Butters remained silent this whole time, staring at Stan with calm resentment. I kneeled on the ground and gestured for them to follow suit. They kneeled beside me and watched as I began drawing three dots in the snow and three x's in front of them.

"Alright, assuming there will be some guys we can't sneak around, we need to make sure we charge on them to get combat advantage," I gestured to the two dots in front. "Stan, you and I will take whatever obstacles we face head on. We both have some sick moves that continue to do damage after we've hit them once so that will help out a lot."

"What about me?" Butters asked.

"You are especially important. We're gonna get hit at some point, so you'll hide somewhere behind us and provide all of us health when we need it," I put my finger next to the third dot and drew a line around the outside and stopped behind the x's. "Plus, if you stick to the shadows, you can sneak up and surprise them with an attack they won't see coming."

Stan nodded. "Sounds like a solid plan."

I turned to Butters. "What do you think?"

Butters stared into the snow in silence for a few moments. I couldn't tell if he was irritated or just thinking too hard. After a moment he straightened up and nodded.

"Alright. Let's do this."

We all stood up and began to make our way back to the parking lot. The woman was still kneeling beside her dead friend, apparently trying to 'wake him up' or something. We ran past and stood behind some of the stacked sandbags and wires that surrounded the entrance to crash site. I could see two armed guards standing at the front of the gate.

"What now?" Stan whispered.

"Watch this."

Remembering what Randy had taught me, I reached behind me and farted into my hand. I threw it out and waved it until it was just passed the guards and clenched my fist. It squeaked loudly, causing the guards to turn their heads.

"Hey, did you hear that?"

"Yeah, what was that?"

They both turned and walked towards where they heard the squeak, leaving the front gate exposed.

"Now!"

I leapt forward and ran to the gate, the other two following quickly behind me. The gate was thankfully unlocked, and the three of us managed to make it inside without causing anyone to see us. Once we were past the gate, we headed towards a nearby army truck. I couldn't see anybody from where we were at, which was a good sign I suppose. I turned to the boys and put a finger to my lips before slowly starting to move around the truck.

"This place doesn't really look like a Taco Bell," Butters muttered.

It wasn't until we reached the front that I saw another guard. He was armed and standing in front of a small building. That had to be where we needed to go. I looked around to see where I could lead him when I saw it- a large puddle of water with a broken wire just sitting in the middle of it. I could see small sparks coming from the puddle.

"Stay close," I whispered to the others.

They nodded. I released another Sneaky Squeaker and lead it directly into the middle of the puddle. I released it and got the guards attention immediately. He held his gun tighter as he walked forward, searching for whatever had made the sound. Please work, please work…

He yelped as he stepped into the puddle and received and instant shock. He shook where he stood for a moment before collapsing into the ground.

"How does your ass learn such incredible magic so easily?" Butters asked in amazement.

I shrugged. "Your guess is as good as mine, dude."

I used my wand to knock away the exposed wires and the sparks in the puddle died. After searching the guards pockets I found some cash and a mana and speed potion(why the hell did he have those?). We stepped over his body and made our way to the door of the building. I pulled on the handle, but it was locked.

"Damn it!"

"Now what do we do?" Stan asked.

I stepped away from the building and looked up to see if there was any way to climb it. That's when I saw it. A little satellite teleporter, like what I had seen on the spaceship.

"I have an idea. Guys, get over here."

Stan and Butters came over to stand next to me. I bent over slightly and clenched my muscles, hoping this would work again. Something shifted around for a moment before the satellite probe came out of my ass, just as it did before.

"What the fuck?"

"W-wow! How long have you had that in there?"

"I'll explain later," I reached up and grabbed both of their arms. "Let's go."

I aimed the satellite up at the teleporter and squeezed. There was a flash of bright blue, and suddenly we were on the roof. Stan gasped and Butters groaned as he seemed to lose his balance for a moment. I straightened up as the satellite retracted inside me.

"That was… awesome and weird," Stan said shortly.

"You don't know the half of it, dude."

I glanced around the roof to see if there were any doors leading into the building when I spotted an air vent. It seemed to be our only option. I ran up to it and reached up to grab the mental grate.

"Help me out here."

Both boys ran up and grabbed the grate as well. We pulled and pulled until it finally came off with a loud crash. I walked up to the vent and crawled my way through. I waited as the boys carefully made their way in. Butters was a bit less graceful and fell next to us with a crash. Thankfully, the vents were strong and didn't collapse underneath us.

"Aw, hamburgers…"

"Hey, I can hear voices this way," Stan pointed down the vent to my left. "Let's go."

We crawled our way down the left vent, and I could hear the voices getting louder and louder. I looked through other grates as we passed by but didn't see anything. The voices got even louder as we passed by another one. I looked through it and suddenly stopped, causing the other two to bump into me. I turned and held a finger to my lips again.

"Shh…"

I pointed at the grate, and they shuffled as close as they could to look. Inside seemed to be some sort of meeting room. Complete with a long table filled with men in suits just sitting around it. There was an older, larger man wearing an eyepatch who was sitting at the end of the table, a scowl on his face as he observed everyone around him.

"…but so far, we've been unable to stop the UFO from leaking the toxic waste. We've contained all we can, but there are no guarantees an outbreak will not occur."

The man in the eyepatch leaned forward. "And does the alien liquid appear to have the same effects as… last time?"

"I'm afraid so," one man picked up some sort of remote. "When the alien waste reacts with organic material on earth, it turns things into… Nazi Zombies."

The man pressed a button on the remote and a metal wall on the opposite side of the room shifted like a set of doors, revealing another room separated by glass. Inside was what appeared to be a human man, but I could see that he was a sickly pale color, he shuffled around as though he had a limp, and for some reason had a swastika patch on his arm. He suddenly started shouting in German, raising his hand straight up into the air.

"Here we go again…" one of the suits sighed as he rolled his eyes.

"Jesus Christ," I whispered without thinking.

The man with the eyepatch stood up from his seat and walked around the table, stopping in front of the glass. He glared at the zombie in distaste.

"God damn it, I'm so tired of Nazi Zombies. It's so overused."

Dude, that should be the least of your concerns.

"If the wrong person gets their hands on that green toxin, it could totally spread. We have a big problem."

Eyepatch didn't respond at first. He stared at the zombie for a moment before turning and walking to the other end of the room, where there stood a billboard with a drawing of South Park with the spaceship in the center. He picked up a marker and started drawing on the board.

"Alright, we're gonna have to completely obliterate everything in a three-block radius," he said as he circled a good chunk of the town in with the spaceship. "Find locations for the bombs and bury it all, then make up a fake story about an earthquake. We can contain the outbreak this time if we act quickly enough. Let's move!"

The men all nodded and started to stand up. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Whatever was in that ship was going to infect the town, and instead of helping everyone these guys were going to kill everyone before it could happen. The school, my friends, our parents, everyone was in danger.

"Everything we've just talked about has been recorded onto this tape," one man said loudly, pointing to a small device sitting on the table. "I'm going to leave it alone here for a few minutes then come back later to have it encrypted and locked away, so nobody ever hears what was said in this meeting."

"Yes, good idea."

After a few moments the room was finally empty. I tried to push on the grate to try to open it, but this one wouldn't budge.

"Back up, we gotta find another way out of here and get that recording."

The boys turned and we began to crawl back through the vents. After a few moments Butters stopped at another grate. He and Stan both moved up and pushed it as hard as they could until it finally popped out, landing on the floor with a loud crash.

"Come on!"

One by one, we all jumped out of the vent. We were now standing just outside of the meeting room. There didn't seem to be any locks or keypads by the doors, and I felt relieved as I walked up to open them.

"Hey, what are you kids doing here?"

I whipped around to see two armed guards standing behind us, both looking shocked and angry. Before I could respond or even consider flipping them off, there was the sound of glass shattering. It had come from inside the meeting room.

"Did you hear-"

The guard was cut off as the doors slammed opened. I looked up in time to see a pale figure run past with surprising speed; the zombie had escaped.

"What the fuck?! It's broken free!"

The zombie hadn't noticed me and the boys yet and had gone straight for the guards. They fired at it but missed nearly every shot. The zombie grabbed one guard and almost instantly ripped off his head. As the body fell the zombie turned and punched its fist straight through the other guards' chest. The guard let out a gross gurgling sound as he was pushed to the ground.

The zombie stood there for a moment before it turned to face us. It raised its' hand into the air as it began to shout in German. I quickly took out my wand.

"Alright guys, just like I said before. Let's get him!"

Butters slipped off into a corner where I couldn't see him as Stan came to stand beside me, sword at the ready. While the zombie was shouting, I took the opportunity to hit it with Dragons Breath. The roman candle lit it up, causing its' head to start burning. Stan ran up next and did a whirlwind attack, giving a good smack to the creatures' head as well. I wasn't sure if the bleeding would actually hurt it since it was already dead, but I was happy for it anyway.

The zombie ran up to me and tried to kick me in the legs, but I managed to block all of its' hits. I didn't hesitate to pull out my Dust of Dreams and stunned the monster where it stood.

"Butters, now!"

Butters suddenly appeared from the shadows behind the zombie, hammer tight in his grasp. He raised it up and swung down hard. The zombie was nearly down now, just a few more hits. Stan ran up to it and gave a good swing at its head twice. The flaming head of the undead monster seemed to partially separate from its' neck as it fell over, finally dead.

"Woopie!" Butters shouted.

Stan turned to me, "Quick! Grab the recording!"

I nodded and ran into the room, looking around for a moment before spotting the recording device. I snatched it and stuffed it securely into my robes.

"I've got it, let's get out of here!"

We all jumped over the bodies and ran right for the door. The sun blinded me for a moment as we finally made it outside.

"Butters, watch it!"

Stan suddenly pushed Butters out of the way and raised his sword in time to block an oncoming hit from a guard that was standing outside. It only took me a second to notice the pale complexion. It seemed some of the guards had already become zombies.

Stan managed to shove it back, knocking it down the stairs. Butters ran after it and gave it a good smack with his hammer. I ran in after him and farted myself into the air, hitting him hard with my wand as I came down. The zombie was weakened but not dead yet. It ran to stand and unhinged its' jaw to try to bite Stan, but his armor was too sturdy and he managed to shove him off. He ran up and swung at its' gut, finally knocking it down.

"Oh geez, this looks bad, fellas," Butters sounded out of breath as he spoke.

"We have to get out of here!" I said urgently.

I held my wand tightly as I ran out back towards the front gate. It wasn't until all three of us were out that I noticed three more Nazi Zombie guards standing nearby, their uniforms having somehow changed to look similar to soldiers in World War II. They had noticed us too. One came straight for me, baring its' teeth and ready to bite. I managed to block it and jabbed it right in the eye, causing it to stumble back.

"Same plan as before, guys!"

Butters stood a few feet back as Stan stepped forward. He pulled out what looked like an orange Frisbee and began to spin around. He got faster and faster before releasing it, and it managed to hit two of the zombies, knocking down a good amount of health. As he stepped away, I moved forward and prepared a Dragon Shout. I wasn't sure if making them sick would do much, but I had to use whatever abilities were available to me. I released it, and to my surprise the zombie it hit instantly vomited.

The other zombie ran up and tried to swing its' fist at me, but I blocked its' hits. It backed away and the second zombie ran up to Stan. His armor blocked its' bites, but he still managed to get injured. He was distracted by his injury, so when the third zombie ran up to him it managed to give him a few kicks to the stomach.

"I-I gotcha!"

Butters ran up to Stan and gave him a few pats on the back, bringing his health back up significantly. Stan nodded as Butters backed away and started to sneak around behind the zombies, who didn't seem to notice him. Stan ran up to the zombie that had tried to bite him and did a whirlwind attack, smacking it several times and knocking it to the ground. Its' health was lowered, and it was already starting to bleed. I ran up to the third one and hit it with a fistful of dust, forcing it to stay on the ground. The one I had made sick ran up and tried to bite me too, but I smacked it across the face, busting its' lip in the process. It backed away before it started to throw up again. The one that was stunned didn't move, but the bleeding one made its' way over to me. It swung at me with its' baton, and I blocked the first hit, but the other managed to hit me in the leg.

"Feel my righteous fury!"

Before either of us could make a move, Butter shot out from behind the zombies and aimed his hammer at the sky. A bolt of lightening shot from the sky before aiming at the zombie that was stunned on the ground. He crumpled into a heap, dead for good now. Butters managed to sneak behind a nearby truck before the other two could see him.

"Way of the sword!"

Stan shouted as he raised his sword high into the air, apparently preparing for a big attack. He ran up to the bleeding zombie, sword held over his shoulder. With a powerful force he began to swing again, and again, and soon I had lost count of how many times he hit that monster. He finished his move with a sick blow close to the neck, but the zombie still had some health left. I smirked as I ran forward, pulling out my battery.

"Who wants a little more lightening?"

The zombies seemed almost confused when I threw water on them, but it didn't matter once I dropped the battery wires. They shook violently until the bleeding one finally fell next to its' other dead friend. I was so focused I nearly jumped when I felt a hand patting me on the back, and I turned to see Butters healing me.

"Th-there you go, buddy."

I beamed at him before turning back to the last remaining zombie, who seemed to be stuck in its' place. As it started to throw up again, I took the opportunity to take out my bow and arrows. I aimed a powerful fart at it before shooting a few arrows in the same direction. It seemed to be too much for the undead creatin, it threw up once more before falling to the ground face first into its' own vomit.

"Let's go!" I yelled.

We quickly made our way across the parking lot. Luckily, there didn't seem to be anymore zombie wandering around. But, I had no doubt that since the virus had already managed to spread, there was a chance we would see some more again.

We continued to run and didn't stop until we had reached Token's gated community. The moment we all reached the front we skidded to a halt, gasping as we tried to catch our breath.

"Are… you guys okay?" I asked as I steadied my breathing.

"I-I think so."

"I'm okay," Stan groaned. "Ugh, they really did a number on me."

"Here," I reached into my robes and pulled out a bag of chips. "This should help. Don't worry about it," I added when Stan started to shake his head. "I've got plenty of potions, losing one isn't gonna make or break me. You really took a beating back there."

Stan looked from me to the bag before reaching up and taking it. He muttered a soft "Thanks" before simply placing it in his pockets. He seemed to hesitate for a moment before speaking again.

"You were awesome back there, Sir Ash, you truly are a powerful Mage," he paused for a moment before turning to Butters. "And… you're not too bad for a human, Paladin."

Butters frowned slightly and nodded. "Same to you, Ranger."

There was a tense and awkward silence between the three of us before Stan spoke again.

"So… you got what you needed?"

I patted the voice recorder in my pocket. "Yep, all that's left is to go back to the community center."

"So, we're both square now?"

"Yeah, you are," Butters said gruffly as he folded his arms.

He and Stan stared at each other for a few moments, as though waiting to see what the other would do. The silence dragged on a little too long and I cleared my throat loudly.

"Very well, then," Stan straightened up. "I must return to the kingdom then. Good luck, I guess."

He turned and started to make his way down the sidewalk. I felt like I hadn't expressed my gratitude enough though and called out to him.

"Hey Stan!" he turned as I spoke. "I want you to know I appreciate you helping us out, I won't forget this."

"Well… owed you one. We're even now," he seemed to puff out his chest before continuing, "I hope you'll consider the Elf King's offer, Ash; I'd hate to see you on the opposite side of the battlefield, for your sake."

He turned and started to walk off without another word. I felt my shoulders slump as I watched him leave. Even after all of that he was still convinced that he was only doing it to pay me back, and Butters was just as closed off and irritated at him as he was before. Both of these boys had seen what they could accomplish if they worked together. Was I really the only one that could see that peace might actually be a solution?

"What did he mean by that, Sir Ash?"

"Huh?"

"What did the Elf King offer you?"

It felt like someone had poured a bucket of cold water on me as reality sat in. I had forgotten for a moment that Butters was right next to me, and he had definitely heard what Stan had said. I turned to look at him and he was staring at me with utter confusion. I swallowed hard.

"Remember how I said that the elves and I were sort of on neutral terms?"

"Yeah…?"

"Well…" I took a deep breath. "The Elf King offered me a chance to become a part of his army and kingdom… if I recruited the goth kids for him instead of the Grand Wizard. I didn't say yes, but I didn't say no either, so he let me go peacefully in the hopes that I would bring them to him."

Butters gasped and took a step away from me. "B-But why, Ash? Why would you even consider changing sides?"

The tone in his voice would have been enough to bring me to tears, but I shook it off. I had to be honest with him, or about as honest as I could be.

"They… know stuff about me; stuff that could ruin my reputation with Kupa Keep. Stuff that a lot of the other boys wouldn't be happy about. The king offered me sanctuary in his kingdom as well as a high-ranking position if I brought the goths to him instead."

"What… wh-what kind of stuff?"

I shook my head, unable to look him in the eye. "I can't tell you, Butters… I'm not ready."

I wasn't ready for the game to end for me. I wasn't ready to see everyone's shocked and repulsed expressions when I was exposed. I wasn't ready for my friend count to be down to zero again, especially since I was seemingly developing a crush on at least one of these boys. I had been saying goodbye to friends for as long as I could remember, and I wasn't ready to do it without even moving this time.

Butters stood silent as he kicked his feet at bit, not looking at me. I turned away gripped my arm nervously, unsure of what to do or say.

"Don't… don't you trust me?"

I whipped around to stare at him. "Butters, of course I trust you! I just… I'd really hate to disappoint you."

"B-but, it can't really be that bad," he insisted. "Besides, you've done so much good stuff for the kingdom. Why, I'm sure after everything you've done for Kupa Keep, the Wizard King could let it slide, whatever it is."

"I'm not so sure, Butters…"

"Ash, please!" Butters suddenly reached for me and grabbed both of my hands. "Please, don't go to the elves! I-I promise everything will be okay! I swear! Just… p-please don't go!"

My face felt instantly hot when he grabbed my hand and spoke to me so fiercely. It was the only time he had ever been assertive with me, and it caught me off guard in a good way. I lowered my head to look at the ground so that I could focus for a moment. I thought about my conversation with the Elf King, about his warnings and his tempting offer to me. I could feel Butters hands shaking as he gripped mine tightly. He would discover the truth eventually, they all would, but did I really want to intentionally give them a reason to dislike me?

The answer was more obvious than I thought.

"The truth will be revealed one way or another, and I don't know if what I've done is enough to keep me from being banished," I lifted my head to look Butters in the eye. "But… I don't plan on being a traitor either. Just… please don't tell the others about this. They'd be furious, especially the king."

Butters worried expression turned into a beaming grin. His grip on my hands grew tighter, and I could feel myself blushing even harder. There is no way he didn't notice, but thankfully he didn't say anything about it.

"Don't worry, Sir Ash," he said calmly. "I won't say a word. Just stick with me, a-and everything will be okay."

I couldn't speak and just nodded. Without another word, we turned and started to make our way over to the fast travel.

I was so distracted by everything that I barley registered the fact that Butters held onto my wrist the entire way there.

I made sure to throw off my robes and put on the goth get up before getting to the community center. The goths wouldn't have liked the picture if I took it with my game clothes on. Butters stood outside to guard the entrance again as I went inside.

I wasn't sure if all the PTA members would still be there by this time, but to my surprise they were all sitting by the table, apparently waiting for me. Randy sprang to his feet the moment he saw me.

"Ash! Thank God, you took so long I wasn't sure if you made it out."

"You made us wait for this?" I man with glasses and green button up shirt muttered. "Jesus Christ…"

"You got the evidence?"

I nodded. "Sure do. It's all right here."

I pulled out the recorder and handed it to him. Randy blinked curiously as he took it.

"What's this?" he observed it for a moment. "It's a recording! There's data on here."

"Did they say anything?"

"What kind of Taco Bell is it going to be?"

"When are they gonna be finished building it?"

Randy shushed the PTA members loudly. He pressed a button on the recorder to rewind it for a moment before finally pressing play.

"Alright, we're gonna have to completely obliterate everything in a three-block radius."

"What?!"

"Hey, you need to rewind it more-" I started, but Randy shushed me.

"Find locations for the bombs and bury it all, then make a fake story about an earthquake."

Randy stopped the recording. All the adults were staring at the device in shock.

"They're gonna… just blow up three blocks?" the woman with the poofy blonde hair asked appallingly.

Randy looked furious. "Sons of bitches… YOU SONS OF BITCHES!"

"What gives them the right?!"

"I knew there was more to this," Randy stood up. "It's not a simple Taco Bell we're dealing with. It's the most massive Taco Bell ever built."

I cleared my throat. "Um, actually-"

"You see, ever since the whole Doritos locos Tacos thing, Taco Bell thinks they can do whatever they want!"

"Well, not here. Not in our town!"

I shook my head. It seemed I wasn't going to be able to get a word in about this, so I just didn't even bother. Another problem for another day I suppose. Randy set down the recorder and reached underneath the table, pulling out my Fuck the Conformists sign. He walked around the table and handed it to me.

"You've done well, Ash. We're not gonna let Taco Bell win. I'll take the picture you wanted now of you with the PTA."

I rolled my eyes as I took the sign. "Cool."

Randy took out his phone and stepped back a few steps as I held up the sign. I heard a click from the phone as he finally took the picture.

"Nice. I'll send it to you."

After a few seconds my phone buzzed, and I pulled it out to see the message from Randy. I also saw that I had received friend requests from him and the rest of the PTA. More friends are always better.

"Thanks," I said. "Well… good luck, I guess."

"Same to you, Ash. The PTA will call on you should we need you again," said Randy. "And never forget what I taught you."

"I don't think I could if I tried, dude."

I turned and walked out of the building, relieved that this part of my mission was finally over with.

I showed Butters I had gotten the picture before we made our way back to the school. The goths were, as predicted, right where I had left them. I was really starting to wonder how many cigarettes a day these guys go through, because they just never seemed to stop.

Butters decided to stay by the gate again this time. I was already pulling out my phone when I walked up to goths.

"So, did you get it?" Michael asked.

"Yep, right here."

I pulled up the picture an held my phone out for all to see. Their expressions didn't change much, but I could tell they were impressed.

"Whoa, she did it!" Peter said in amazement.

"Nice," Henrietta said as she fiddled with her cigarette holder.

"Yeah, but she's still not goth," said Michael as he sat back down. "She'll have to pass the final test."

"Oh, come on! What more do I have to do?"

"Take a pill, we're not sending you off this time," Michael took a drag from his cig. "You may look goth, Frodo… but can you dance goth?"

I stared. "Say what?"

Nobody answered me at first. Pete stood up and handed me the cart of cigarettes first. I opened the box and took out a cigarette, not feeling very excited about this next part. Henrietta stood up and walked over to me, holding a lighter. I put the cigarette in my mouth and stood still as she lit it for me. I took a small drag, and it took everything I had not to immediately cough my lungs out. I couldn't afford to wimp out at this point. As she moved to sit back down Pete handed me the coffee from earlier. I could tell that the coffee had gone stone cold without even drinking it, but maybe that was the point. I'm not too sure.

Pete then pressed a button on the stereo and turned the volume up.

"A conformist like you probably likes to dance, so try not to be too enthusiastic," he told me.

I wasn't entirely sure what he meant. Was I supposed to just shuffle around? I shook my head and took a sip from my coffee, trying not to cringe in the process. This kind of coffee definitely wasn't meant to be drunk ice cold, but I knew I had to.

Once the music started to pick up I took a drag from my cigarette and started to move my feet. One step, two step, back and forth.

"Less enthusiasm."

"That's not how you drink coffee."

"You call that smoking?!"

I snapped my head to glare at them. "At least I'm fucking trying!"

They all blinked, seeming slightly surprised as I went back to sipping, smoking, and shuffling. The smoke wasn't as harsh now and the coffee was going down smoother with every sip.

"I'm feeling… the rage," Pete said finally.

I was surprised by the compliment (could you even call it that?) and took a slower sip of my coffee, taking the time to try to savor it.

"I like what you did with your coffee there."

I brought the cigarette to my mouth and took a long drag, letting the smoke filter and sit in my lungs before releasing it in a big puff of smoke. All the while, I continued to barley shuffle my feet.

"Wow, apathy combo," Henrietta piped up.

Whatever I was doing seemed to be working. I continued to dance to the music as smoked and drank. After a few minutes the song finally ended; my coffee cup was drained, and my cigarette finally reached its end. I exhaled one final time before turning to face them.

"So… how was that?"

The goths looked at me for a moment before turning to face each other, and I was stunned by their very visibly impressed faces.

"What do you think?"

Michael nodded. "She's pretty goth."

"She's pretty goth, right?!"

"Yeah, that was pretty good."

"I felt her pain!" Firckle squeaked.

I tossed my cigarette butt onto the ground and stepped on it. "So, we cool now?"

"Alright Ash, you've officially proven yourself," said Pete.

"Yeah, just tell us where you need us, and we'll be there."

"Awesome!" I said, punching a fist into the air. Pete cleared his throat loudly, and I quickly said with much less enthusiasm, "Oh, sure. Whatever."

Michael nodded. "You catch on fast, new kid."

I did everything I could to not look too happy as I walked away. Butters was looking anxious as I passed through the gate.

"So, what did they say?"

Before I could answer I felt my phone buzz. I took it out to see friend requests from all of the goth kids. Now it was official.

I beamed at him as I puffed up my chest with pride. "We're in! The goths will fight alongside us."

"Oh, woopie!" Butters leapt up as he cheered. "Boy, we better get back to the kingdom. They'll need us there to help prepare for battle later."

Butters turned and began marching down the sidewalk, and I followed behind him. I was thrilled and happy that I had finally succeeded in my mission. But, as we made our way back to the fast travel, I felt a small pang of worry.

All things considered; the elves had been good enough to me up until this point. Stan didn't have to help us, even if he did owe me a favor, but he did anyway. I have no doubt it was because he had been hoping that I would choose his side. And the king… The back of my neck felt hot as I thought about him, about how he smiled at me when he offered me a place in his kingdom and held my hands with assurance. He had been so kind to me, an enemy who had done nothing but cause him trouble. I was definitely not looking forward to having to fight him later. I pictured him with an angry expression on his face as he wielded a staff similar to the Wizard Kings'.

"Hey, you alright?"

Butters voice snapped me out of my thoughts, and I shook my head.

"Yeah, definitely. Let's just hurry up, we don't wanna be late."

It took about fifteen minutes to get back to Kupa Keep. Even from in front of the house I could hear the sounds of boys talking and shouting. Ms. Cartman was watching TV and greeted us warmly as we entered. I tried to tell myself that I was doing the right thing as I pushed open the back door.

Everyone was outside, seeming fully prepared for whatever battle awaited us. I could see the Wizard King standing in front of his tent and started to make my way towards him.

"Ah, you've returned!" he announced happily.

I bowed my head. "Yes, my liege, and I'm proud to say I was successful in recruiting the goth kids."

"Excellent! Come, Sir Ash, it is time to summon our forces. Simply call them here, and your dedication to Kupa Keep will be complete. Climb the signal tower, and call forth our new recruits."

He gestured with his staff to the tower to the left, the only one with a ladder. I nodded and made my way over to it. I grabbed onto the ladder and turned to look at everyone behind me. My eyes landed on Butters, who gave me a thumbs up. I smiled at him before climbing up.

The carboard tower was surprisingly stable. As I reached the top, I took a moment to observe the land around me. The view was surprisingly beautiful from up here. I straightened my robes before pulling out my phone. I sent a mass message to the goths, telling them to meet us at the kingdom. I held the phone in the air for a moment as a small gesture of triumph as I waited for it to send.

As soon as the message was sent, I made my way down the ladder. The king was down there waiting for me, a proud grin on his face. Before I could say anything he turned to his people, arms held up.

"Everyone, gather 'round!"

The other boys stopped whatever they were doing and immediately made their way to the tent. The Wizard King stood directly in front of it, and he gestured for me to come forward. I moved to stand next to him.

"While the rest of you have been picking your respective arses, Sir Ash has gone out and brought help to our kingdom," he turned to face me. "Sir Ash, it is time to finally give you a title worthy of your deeds. Please, kneel before your kingdom."

I blinked in surprise, hesitating for only a second before getting down on one knee. The king didn't hesitate as he raised his staff and placed it on one of my shoulders, then the other.

"By the power of Mandaloth, Third Born of the Red God, and by the glory of Christ, I hereby anoint thee, Commander Ash, with all the rights and privileges accompanied there in!"

I felt my mouth fall open slightly as the boys around me began to clap. I couldn't believe it. Commander. I could feel the smile growing on my face as I slowly got to my feet.

"Thank you, my king," I said as I bowed my head. "So long as I breathe, I will honor my title with dignity."

"I'm sure you will, Commander."

"Eric! ERIC!"

The happy moment was cut short as Butters suddenly ran up with his phone in hand.

"We know where the elves are hiding the Stick!"

"What? Really?!"

"We just intercepted their messages on Twitter."

Cartman rolled his eyes. "You mean you shot down their message raven?"

"Ah, r-right…" Butters said sheepishly. "We-we shot down their raven. The evil Elf King has- has hidden the Stick inside his desk at school."

I inhaled sharply. He hid it at school? Why didn't I think of that? Of course, I wouldn't have found it at his kingdom if he hid it there. To think I was considering betraying my own kingdom for him. But even as I felt anger spark in me, I found myself confused. How could he have gotten it to school, especially if it was closed. Did they have a key? Did a hall monitor allow them access inside? It didn't quite add up.

"Of course! Kyle hid it in his desk!" the wizard turned to the rest of the boys. "Citizens of Kupa Keep, we know where the elves are hiding the Stick. I told you they were cheating. Now, we shall march on the school, and make the hallways drip with elven blood!"

"Huzzah!"

Well, guess I would figure this out one way or another.