Wrote this before the finale aired. An alternative take on what happened this season.
--
He knows he's fucked up and has to come clean with her before he does with his boss. That lines were crossed, he fell into the arms of someone plotting against him.
How could he be so stupid, so naive and so weak. She isn't even mad. She is so disappointed and doesn't even look shocked which really hurts him.
It's that she knows and expects him to be capable of such stupidity and selfishness. That she isn't a last resort but not even an option to him.
Olivia gets it and keeps her mouth shut. It's just one more thing Elliot does to break her heart. He feels pathetic and shameful especially when she stops by his office and flirts with him not knowing what he has done.
She holds his hand and he can't let go until she pulls away. Their finger tips holding on before the final pull away. He didn't deserve that from her, being the lucky prick on the other end of Olivia Benson being flirtatious and seductive. How beautiful she was and confident and so sure of herself which she has every right to be.
But he's admitted to her the added layer to how fucked up this web is.
Her, him, The Wheatley's, her brother, his dead wife.
His betrayal.
She just blinks at him and nods wordlessly before getting up.
She wishes him luck with his pending investigation into him.
Luck.
That's what this all boils down to. Her keeping it so short and sweet and impersonal when he knows she has a right to feel angry and jealous.
Maybe in the past she didn't because of his marriage and her morals but he's told her he loved her. It's different now.
So when it comes time for Fin's wedding he really can't say shit about Edgar and his perfectly annoying smile or full head of hair and solid five inches in height on him.
Why would he? It's not his place especially not now but it eats away at him with each passing day. Bell is even playing into this the Monday after the wedding.
Asks how her dancing partner is when they all share the elevator and he fucking swears Bell is doing this to fuck with him.
Olivia blushes and smiles and he has to look away before he says or does something he shouldn't.
There's no tragedy or mystery around her and Edgar.
She's single, so is he, both professionals, both consenting adults that don't have to hide their relationship out of career prosecution.
Edgar isn't responsible for the murders of their loved ones and it's an ache inside him that he feels disgusted by even if it was hidden from him at the time.
It's that he ran to someone's arms besides hers once again. But it was easier that way.
He was sick of being looked at like a disaster and he didn't want to burden Olivia.
Angela was someone who knew grief and betrayal and needed the comfort like he did or so he was made to believe but Edgar was different.
He asked around behind her back about him in passing conversations as discreetly as he could and he couldn't find anything questionable on the guy.
Successful, philanthropic, family driven- he wanted to crack the guy but was happy for her or so he kept telling himself over and over.
She's silent with him for nearly a month only speaking with him if needed for work but outside of that keeping a distance.
It's not until the wedding that she sees him again. He can tell Edgar is there because he wanted to be, and because Olivia must really like him.
He seen at the wedding how delicate and comfortable she looked in his arms, how her laugh was deep and loud when he grabbed her by the arm and led her to the dance floor with him.
Tickling her sides getting her to crack up and it works, he fucking hates that. She's a good dancer he thinks to himself before leaving.
Her natural rhythm and how much fun she is having is something he takes in but can't stand by in watch.
He never knew she was a good dancer but there's a lot he doesn't know about how this Olivia. He may not know all her darkness that she's fought with alone all these years but he doesn't know the light either.
He has no idea what the version between the one he abandoned and the one that he found again. He wants to find out the things he has no ideas about that bring her joy since he's mastered the art of letting her down he feels.
He may be able to pray for Olivia and even protect her because it's something he feels he was out on this earth to do. He's just never ever made her laugh.
Made her twirl til she tossed her head back in a fit of laughter. He hasn't been on the recieicing end of one of her smiles since the day she held his hand and smirked as his eyes dropped to her ass and watched her walk away.
Shes distancing herself from him now. He knows the news about Angela made her upset even though technically she never said anything but he knows her.
He knows he didn't have to disclose to her that because she's not his captain, she's not his wife but she's the woman he is in love with and he thinks that has to count for something these days.
He tries a new approach. His biggest challenge yet with her he thinks to himself.
He wants to be the one to make her smile so he sits down with Kat when he sees her in the cafe near the courthouse alone on her phone.
He knows how much her squad means to her and that she's gearing up to make Kat her number two.
It doesn't help that they all hate him and don't know him just all the bad, all the baggage and how their friend and captain reacted in his presence.
He wasn't stupid.
But Kat really reminds Elliot so much of her when she was young and so eager to please and do what's right.
Strong, in your face and very smart.
He likes her.
He knows Kat is keeping things short with him when he asks about Olivia on purpose.
Protecting her.
He respects it but doesn't make it any easier for him.
She's who they have in common but it's Kat's job as her employee and her friend to not let her guard down with him.
He's a ticking bomb in the eyes of the other people that love her.
He's got to turn that around- it's all he thinks about lately.
He's made Olivia cry and worry but never laugh and smile.
Not like this.
Edgar has her wiping the sides of her eyes when he sees them outside near the smoker section.
He sees Edgar smoking a cigar as he walks past them to the cocktail garden.
Olivia takes the cigar and he can hear Edgar voice in passing "yeah sweetheart don't put your whole mouth on it..."
And he has to leave now.
She deserves to be happy without a ghost from her past hawking her down from across the room.
—
The next morning she has to visit his squad room to talk to Bell.
"Olivia...I never pegged you for a dancer," she smiles as Olivia walks in, blushing.
"That's all Edgar, he forces it out of me" she smiles before sitting down in Ayanna's office. Bell shutting the door behind her leaving Elliot out of the conversation.
He's trying to change but he can't help but think of how good it would feel to put his fist through something.
A wall, his car window, Edgar's head but it's irrational and his own doing. He's always had her, he knows this much now and he never knew what to do with it.
He never wanted to drag her in and now it could be too late. It's what she deserves but he can't settle for it. Not anymore.
He offers to pick Noah up from school when she's rushing from the courthouse back to the squad room to sign paperwork before having to be on the other end of town to pick up her son.
She stills at this and is surprised by his visit and his offer.
"Sorry it has to be a family members pre approved to pick him up. Usually Uncle Fin or Aunt Amanda..." she whispers quietly as she packs her bag for her next appointment in a hurry.
He can't help but think of the type of presence he would have had in her sons life from the minute she had him in her arms as an infant.
A small baby he would have helped rock to sleep if she was exhausted and all alone so she could get a nap in.
A kid he would have been tossing a ball around with or inviting to the park with his kids but that isn't the cards that they were dealt in this life. He understands why she's hesitant and it doesn't hurt any less but he gets it, respects it even.
One week he stops by her house after seeing the ice cream truck before arriving. He calls her apartment and Noah picks up buzzer.
"Ice creams melting come downstairs its Elliot your moms...friend" he knows they aren't quite friends but no longer partners. It's easiest this way even if being friendly with her is the last thing on his mind.
"I know who you are...be down in two minutes...actually three...bye" the cheeky boy says on the other end before ending the cell.
Olivia comes down in shorts and a loose t shirt with flip flops on.
He can see that her hair must curl a lot more in the heat than it did before because of the bun on her head and the loose tendrils that fall around her face are all curling waves.
"Laundry and dusting day at the Benson household.." she says with her hands on her hips.
"Thanks for saving me" Noah mumbles as his mom messes his hair as he walks right past her to make his way to Elliot and the treats.
"I got a snow cone, Waffle cone and a cyclone...I didn't know what to get" she smiles at him and looks at Noah teaching fast for the cyclone.
The biggest of the deserts and the most sugar, she winces but knows it's his favourite. She takes the snow cone and notices him trying not to stare at her mouth as she licks it when he talks to her.
It's a small start he likes to think but progress none the less- he's never been around her and Noah.
It isn't until he finds out from Kat one afternoon outside the station that Olivia is sick.
She never mentioned it when he text her a few days ago so he doesn't even bother calling her and surprised her.
He shows up unannounced with steamed broccoli and dumpling soup with McDonald's for Noah.
"No one likes to cook when they are sick"
"And no one wants to eat that soup yuck" her son says starring at the chunks of broccoli and ginger mixed in his moms bowl.
She looks over to see her son and Elliot eating Big Macs.
Her son can barely close his mouth around a corner of the sandwich but he's trying.
She knows he must like Elliot but she doesn't want him hurt either.
She falls asleep before she can get to the rest of her soup that's now on the coffee table.
Elliot puts a blanket over her- the air condition has her apartment freezing.
He leaves a note on her table in the event she wakes soon:
Going for a walk to the park. Yes he has on sunscreen.
⁃El
It's the first time he spends time alone with her son and it fills her with more joy than anything.
He has to make up for so much lost time and words and feelings buried.
She deserves him at his best so he goes to councilimg finally not just for her but his kids and for the man he wants to be.
She's the one he calls after a session breaks him .
One where he had to be held accountable for his actions and admit to the guilt he has plagued with in regards to all his feelings for her.
He's bawling on the phone riddled with guilt, he's hiccuping and trying to choke down his tears and all he can say is sorry over and over again.
He ends the call abruptly and texts her moments later.
I'm sorry and I'm not sure how to make it up to you. I'm not sure I even deserve the opportunity.
-El
She doesn't say anything back but cries herself to sleep mourning all the feelings she thought she buried away with him but are all resurrected and perhaps more intense than ever.
There's nowhere to run.
Secrets can't hide any longer.
He asks her out after a few months since she's made an effort to distance herself from him professionally and personally.
She declines and says she isn't sure about it but he is adamant that it isn't anywhere fancy and he just wants her company.
Just her.
Just them alone on a Friday night in the city; a city that has died and been reborn so many times over but then again so have they.
He takes her to a taco bar in alphabet city and they are seated outside under a Terrance covered in hundreds of tiny neon string lights.
The table is plastic with one of those cheap checkered cloths but it's just the two of them.
He swears by the chicken and orders them beers and a shot each.
"Whats this all about?" She whispers as she shrugs off her jean jacket that was cropped so perfectly at her waist.
His eyes can't help but drop down to her thin v neck t shirt. To the opening of skin that is bronzed and so soft and full.
He smirks up at her and moves her shot in front of her and takes his in his hand.
"Us" he says with confidence, with assurance and ease.
She knocks the shot back as he does the same at the same time naturally.
Buzzed from the beer and the shots she couldn't say no to- a three block walk to catch a cab turns into them just walking home together late into the warm summer evening for miles and miles.
She looks beautiful in tight jeans with small frayed rips on the knees and a t shirt on with simple sneakers on, her hair is down and wild looking and he can't stop staring.
She barely has any make up on just a pink lipstick that's shiny and makes her lips looks pouty and plump and edible.
He wants to kiss her thinks of doing it immediately but he can't scare her. He can't go ten steps back.
He just can't when it's taking so much to even get this sliver of space into her life. He barely deserves that so he stops himself.
Instead he stares at her lips and asks about Noah and shows her photos of his kids and a video of Eli driving.
They do everything but talk about work which surprises her because she worried it was all that they had but it wasn't.
Between their young sons and everything happening in the world, in the city, in the country they didn't have to go there and she was glad, even if it did feel very odd.
The two of them alone for no other reason other than them wanting to be together on the weekend.
She left for to visit the restroom and hears hims conversation with the waiter before he can see her from the high wall that blocks off their booth from the walkway to the hall she was walking down.
"Would you like to order desert for your lovely date?" The polite server asks him and he doesn't have a clue she can hear him.
He doesn't miss a beat.
"Yes I'd like to order for her the same, extra whip cream but on the side," he knows her well.
He also doesn't correct someone anymore when they call him out for being attracted to her, or calling her his date either.
It makes her feel light and giddy when she sits down and smiles at him from across the table.
She feels a buzz after the desert and Irish coffee and knows after the next shot she will be a little more than tipsy.
He orders waters with the last one and helps her into her coat.
His hand stays on her lower back as they walk out of the patio through the back of the bar and out to the street.
It stays there when they are on the street until his hand accidentally dips and rests against the curve of her backside right below the hem of her jacket.
When he doesn't feel her pull away he keeps it there long after they leave the bar.
When she stops into a bodega for gum and a drink he grabs her hand and leads the way inside.
Not letting go, letting his body press up against the back of hers.
He can see her face in the large mirror hang up in the corner of the shop by the deli. She's smiling. She has a smirk on her face and a curl in her lip.
She's enjoying this. If this is a date which she thinks it is, it's a really really good one she thinks.
It takes everything in him not to pull her right up against him and whisper in her ear "come home with me tonight" because that is what he wants.
Not just because he wants her in his bed because he does and always has but because he doesn't want this night to end with her when the morning and reality comes crashing down. He thinks she feels that too.
They sit on a park bench late after the tourists have left and the horses and carriages have stopped. It's just them right now in this small corner of the park
"I don't want to go home..." she says out loud staring up at the sky.
"I don't want to go home without you" he slips.
He has to let her know the direction he dreams about this going in.
He doesn't want to scare her but he is out of his mind for her and the self control they have built around their feelings is dwindling by the second.
"I'm not sure that would be a good idea" she says as she opens a bag of candy he got her at the store and eats non chalantly like he didn't just admit to wanting to sleep with her
Why he asks he doesn't care about taking this slow he needs to know he needs her to know.
His therapist wanted him to be true to his feelings and goals and this was one, absolutely
"I didn't say forever just not now..." she smiles without looking over at him and hands him over the bag of candy.
Her flirting with him never gets old. He still gets so taken back by how bold and sexy she is. If anything it has more of a hold on him now more than ever.
—
It's not until he asks Jet to help him with his computer that he gets called out.
The tabs on his browser of floral delivery options. He wants to send flowers to her. It's her birthday next week and he would never forget that. He just doesn't know what to get her.
When they were partners it was a coffee and a muffin or a card and some lottery tickets. But this is different they aren't partners but not quite friends either.
"Flowers, really? Let me guess...roses..." she rolls her eyes at him and shakes her head at the predictability of it all.
"It's not what you think" he mutters out to her. She's a good kid. Genius, quick on her feet and a huge help normally to him despite him not understanding half the shit that comes out of her mouth. Oh
"Benson right? Something tells me flowers aren't her thing and you might need to actually use your brain on this one" she's feisty and he likes it.
Reminds him of Maureen after coming to visit after college.
Independent, smart, doesn't give a shit and staunchly in her ways.
Yet here he is taking advice from someone that just became legal to drink alcohol. Interesting.
"It's her birthday next week what do I get her?"
Jet just stares at him and blinks slowly. Despite the age gap she has quite the way of making him feel incompetent at nearly double her age.
"Just make her feel special...put some effort in.."
"How, like what?"
"Women like when you get them something they want, they need or will make their life better..." the pint sized wiz says to him seriously and he knows she has a point.
Somehow she always does, doesn't mean he has to like it but in this instant he respects it.
"So where can I find something that she not only wants but needs and will help her out ?"
He's clueless and it makes a smile break out and make a rare appearance on Jet's face
"It's almost like youve never heard of what vibrators are dude" she shakes her head and is dead serious.
His jaw is open and he can't believe she said that.
"I'm being serious..." he feels himself getting warm talking about this with a co worker, one that is old enough to be a friend of one of his kids.
"So was I, she's single right? And something tells me you don't want her seeking out...stuff elsewhere so what's wrong with a..."
Just like that he grabs his coat off the back of his chair to leave.
"Can I give you my card to get anything other than that?"
"No but I can give you a fucking clue"
He puts down his jacket and stands in front of her desk.
He actually really needs her help on this. She doesn't know either of them or all that lingers around them for longer than she's been alive.
The outside perspective that is raw and unfiltered and totally unbothered is refreshing oddly enough.
"Do something to make her smile. Doesn't matter what or how big but it has to be tailored for her. If your going to go all ancient old school send the flowers on a random day not her birthday...something tells me that one likes being on her toes" She shrugs and pops her earbuds back in as she goes to town on his desktop.
He sends flowers to her apartment because he knows the squad room would piss her off. It brings too much attention to her. He sends them on a random Tuesday morning just because he can't stop thinking about her. Her birthday isn't for another week and a half.
It isn't until the next day she texts him.
"All these years later and you think I'm still in that little shithole? I am a Captain after all, Stabler"
The flowers got sent back since she had long since moved from that apartment. It makes her smile that he would try and sad that he would have no clue it's been eight years since she left that place. How could he when he vanished, she thinks sadly.
"Guess next time I'll have to drop them off to you at your place...I still don't know which apartment you live in..."
She pauses and smiles at the phone.
He's met Noah.
It's not that she's worried about that it's just granting him access to one more area of her life that makes her feel vulnerable and that makes her nervous because she is so about him no matter how hard she tries to think otherwise.
She's trying not to be but she wants to make him happy lately too, she wants to please him in the way a woman goes for her man, her husband; her partner.
She sends her address to him and leaves it at that. By the time it's dinner a huge bouquet arrives.
Massive.
It is obnoxious and tacky and super bright with a hot pink teddy bear and bright pink, lime green, teal and purple roses that have been dyed and it's so not her and it makes her laugh from her belly.
Noah shakes his head at her but goes back to ignoring the situation altogether when he plops back down in front of his laptop on the coffee table.
She opens the card and it says
" Something subtle ... just like how I'm trying to be with asking you out.."
⁃El