North Stars
Chapter 14
Mike knew he had crossed a line. He had never done anything like that before and Christine certainly didn't deserve it. He would have apologized but she left too soon and Sandy had told him she would not be back for a couple days. He immediately started missing Christine's daily visits.
Hearing there had been a fifty-third death got to him. Of course, he had lost crew members before. He wasn't sure why it was bothering him so much now. Physical therapy had started, which was a move closer to going home. Another thing he was worried about because he would need care once he got there. Christine was pregnant. He couldn't ask her to take care of him and he would never allow his daughters to do some of the things he would need. Mike was lost in thought when a man dressed as a priest knocked on the door.
"Admiral Slattery?" The man asked.
"Yes." Mike answered.
"I am Father Matthew Sullivan. The staff wanted me to visit with you." Father Matthew said.
"I'm sure my wife had something to do with that." Mike remarked.
"No, actually she didn't." Father Matthew said before sitting down. Mike was slightly miffed that he hadn't invited him to sit down.
"Look; I haven't taken communion in many years or confessed. And frankly, I am not interested in it now." Mike said.
"That is up to you. I am not here to pressure you to confess or take communion. I am here to talk." Father Matthew answered.
"What about?" Mike asked.
"You tell me. You lost a son to the Red Flu. Dozens of crew and friends over the years. Missed years with your wife and daughters. Have a new baby on the way that you aren't showing a lot of interest towards." Father Matthew said.
"And you are going to tell me how wrong I am and how I should be grateful to have a new baby." Mike remarked.
"Nope. Of course, children are always a blessing but this one isn't to you. Perhaps due to losing your son?" Father Matthew asked.
"That's what Christine thinks." Mike answered.
"But not what you think." Father Matthew said.
"No…I mean…I don't know. Part of it is that I don't like that it puts Christine in danger. She is forty-five. I also hate the thought of being old when the baby is still growing up. And…I suppose I am afraid to get attached to a new baby after losing Lucas." Mike admitted.
"Let me ask this…You love your wife deeply. When she goes into labor, do you plan on being there?" Father Matthew asked.
"I hadn't decided." Mike said.
"You would let your wife lay there in pain and not be there to hold her hand and comfort her? I realize there isn't much for the husband to do other than that. What if she needs you to make a medical decision?" Father Matthew asked.
"I hadn't thought of that. When Hannah…our second daughter was born, she was a breech birth and Christine lost consciousness midway through. She couldn't push obviously. I had to make the decision to do a c-section. And then I had to make decisions for Hannah." Mike said.
"And if something similar happens with this baby?" Father Matthew questioned. Mike could only shrug his shoulders. It was a fear. Of course; Katie could be with Christine during the delivery but Mike wouldn't feel right about that. He loved Christine and she would need and want him.
"I have a few months to figure it out." Mike remarked.
"I am sure your wife would prefer you there for doctor's appointments and to prepare for your son. And yes, she is having a boy. She told the nurse." Father Matthew said. Mike closed his eyes in pain. He had hoped and prayed the baby would be a girl. A girl he might have been able to love. A boy was too much like replacing Lucas. "That bothered you. The baby's gender. Why?" Father Matthew asked.
"I loved my boy and he is gone. What am I supposed to do now? Love a new son like Lucas never existed?" Mike questioned through gritted teeth.
"No. Love your new son despite losing Lucas. Love him better. Talk about Lucas. The love you have for Lucas won't just disappear and the new baby won't just take his place in your heart. Let me ask you this. When your second daughter was born, did you love your first daughter less? Or when your son was born, did you love your daughters less?" Father Matthew asked.
"No." Mike answered.
"So do you think you'll love Lucas less by loving the new baby?" Father Matthew questioned.
"I suppose." Mike answered.
"And how do you feel about what happened in the Baltic?" Father Matthew asked.
"I wish people would quit asking. Crew died. A lot. Fifty-three people and the count is going to continue to grow." Mike said.
"Do you remember anything that happened?" Father Matthew asked.
"No." Mike answered.
"I've read the report. Spoke with Congresswoman Greene. After the shell struck the bridge, you did pass out momentarily, but you regained consciousness and pulled numerous people out. On your last trip in, a bulkhead collapsed and hit you over the head but you still managed to drag the XO out. You saved a dozen people." Father Matthew explained.
"And fifty-three still died." Mike remarked.
"And had you not done what you did, that number would have been sixty-five." Father Matthew said.
"That doesn't make it better." Mike answered.
"No, but because of your actions, twelve people made it home to be with their families. Is it ideal? No. It's a shame that fifty-three people died but it is not your fault and it is not your wife's fault. Or your children's. You are not doing any favors by blaming yourself or them." Father Matthew said. Mike was trying to not let the tears overflow but he was not successful. Father Matthew put his hand on Mike's arm and stayed silent throughout the onslaught.