Dear Lily,

Look, mate, just don't worry about it. Far as Fred and George say, it went alright, didn't it? They'd know, anyway, with how often they get into it. Besides, they didn't get into much trouble, so there's no use worrying about them. They seem to think they got off easier, and I happen to agree. One time, when they were both eight, mum wouldn't let them out of the house for six months after she found them trying to make Ginny take an Unbreakable Vow not to steal their cauldron cakes anymore.

Really, though, three weeks? You'd think the worse offense would have been sneaking out with those stouts.

I'd give anything to not be here, personally. Snape's been going on a war path since you left. Nev and I tried to borrow some Boomslang Skin from the stores and he hauled us right up to Dumbledore, going on about us trying to make Polyjuice Potion (and guess who he blamed for teaching us; go on). Wouldn't believe we didn't even know Polyjuice used the stuff, or that we just wanted it because we needed to write an essay for Sprout about Boomslang when we don't even know what the rubbish looks like.

Also, listen: Alicia says Katie stopped writing her after she asked her to come stay at her place over the summer, since her parents won't take her back, so probably don't mention them to her. Just thought you'd like to know, since you said she isn't writing you back, either. Try not to be stupid about it, yeah?

Anyway, I've got some questions for you, once you get back. It'll be awful boring here without you.

Ron

P.S. Don't read Witch Weekly today; everybody's saying it's rubbish.

Lily sighed and set Ron's letter down. She was sure he was trying to be caring about it, but his flippant dismissal just made her feel worse about it all, especially since the twins hadn't bothered writing her back at all even though she'd written them four times. Plus, she wrote him several pages, venting her little heart out, and the most he could do in return was one?

Lily sighed again and rolled over to her back, rubbing at her tired eyes. She didn't catch a wink that night; not after her copy of Witch Weekly arrived early. She was too busy burning a hole through the floor of her room with her manic pacing. Sirius ended up storming down the hall to shut her ranting and raving up so he could get some sleep; she hadn't realized she was shouting at herself until he did.

Ron's letter was better than the rest of them were doing, at least. Neville wrote back, sure, but it was all just nervous little platitudes that didn't really say much, while Sae's just asked her to get a photo taken of wearing her Gwenog Jones robe and sign it for her little sister (apparently, she'd promised her sister that very thing for a Christmas gift and then never got around to asking before now). Certainly not the support she wanted from her friends. Certainly not the support she wanted from two people in particular.

Neither Hermione nor Katie wrote back at all. She got a letter from Ginny- Ginny!- but neither of the two people she expected to write back instantly, and with pages of love and advice at that. She didn't get so much as a single word, and the few visits she'd gotten from the Weasleys told her nothing about how her girlfriend was doing. In fact, not a single person was saying a single thing about Katie, other than that she was tired and they were sure she'd get around to contacting Lily eventually.

Eventually just wasn't good enough when she felt like she was going mad in isolation.

"You still love me, don't you, boy?" Lily said, running a hand over Weasley, who was laying directly on her chest. The cat's response was to swat her on the nose and then jump down to the floor, where he stretched and then wandered over to the empty, free bed across the room.

"Prick," she grumbled, rubbing at the sore spot.

Lily stretched out on her bed, letting out another deep sigh, her pile of letters sitting at her side (and her copy of Witch Weekly all the way across the room, crumpled where she threw it hours ago). Gwenog Jones winked at her, and she picked Ginny's up, deciding she'd just get it over with. They weren't talking, still, on account of the whole gay thing, but since Ginny did jump in to help when she attacked Malfoy, she supposed she could at least try. It didn't feel very long as she opened it, and, sure enough, it didn't appear to be after a cursory glance.

Dear Lily,

I'm just going to come out and say it: I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pressured you so much, I shouldn't have said any of the things I did, I definitely shouldn't have ignored you the entire time you were back, and I shouldn't have been such a terrible sister. I'm really, really, really, really, really, sorry. I was going to tell you for Christmas, because I couldn't afford anything else, but then you weren't here. I'm so sorry.

Have tea with me when you get back? I really miss you.

Ginny

"Huh," Lily said scratching at her nose again. That definitely wasn't what she was expecting. It was almost enough to make her feel better about her situation. She ran her thumb over the word 'sister,' wondering if that was just a slip of the tongue- or the quill, in this case.

It certainly left her feeling at least a bit better. It was enough to even get her to roll out of bed and change clothes; she had a punishment to fulfill, after all.

"Come on, Lily, just a bit more," Sirius said, glancing at the watch on his wrist.

"Sirius, come on," Lily said, grunting and gasping for air between strokes through the water. She moved towards the edge of the pool, very slowly, and ignored the look of disapproval Sirius was giving her.

"We're not even at one hour yet!"

Lily didn't care. With a mighty groan, she hauled herself out of the pool, arms shaking from exhaustion, and rolled over to her back to stare at the ceiling. The ceiling was rippling with light reflected from the water, a strange, light blue, and the whole place stank of chlorine. That was, bar none, her least favourite part of the whole 'swimming' thing; she couldn't stand how she smelled afterwards, and no matter how long she bathed or how hard she scrubbed, she swore the smell always clung to her.

The little gym was only a few streets over from Grimmauld Place. Lily might have been thrilled to be coming here at all, especially since on the first night Sirius promised she could even use the rest of the equipment (which, for some reason, made her feel unreasonably excited), so long as they got through her swimming first. The pool was supposed be closed for the season, actually, but a few quick spells from Sirius, and a bit of gold in the owner's pocket, and, voila! A place to practice all to themselves.

"You can run all day, but you can't handle a bit of swimming?" Sirius said with a sigh.

"Everything hurts." Lily closed her eyes, wishing she could just lay here for ever and die. She couldn't remember being this miserable (physically, at least) since the last year, when Montague had her working out so often that she almost could move for days at a time.

"You're aware you need to spend a significant amount of time in the Lake, yes? In freezing water?"

"I'm aware."

"Then let's get you back in there!" Sirius said, prodding her tired body with his foot.

"No," Lily said, pushing it away.

"Fine," Sirius said with a sigh. "We'll just have to make the time up tomorrow, you know."

"Do we have to?"

"We do if you want to be comfortable in the water by February. From what I recall, Hogwarts doesn't have a pool."

Lily said nothing. She still wasn't quite in a sharing mood. She just kept laying on the cold tile until Sirius sighed.

"Fine," Sirius said, sighing again. "Go get changed, then. Suppose you want to lift some weights again?"

"No," Lily grumbled.

"Too tired? That hasn't stopped you any other time."

"I said 'no,'" Lily snapped.

"Alright, then," Sirius said, blinking slowly, caution in his tone. "Go get changed. We'll head back. Ashley'll have supper ready by now, surely."

That was another daily trial in Lily's life: Ashley Smith. She was at their house every day. Lily wasn't sure she left at all. She was here right now, humming as she cooked porkchops and taters and sprouts for the three of them, using her wand to direct the pans, spices, and sauces around the stove and counters. Sirius kept trying to draw Lily into their conversation (about bloody turnips, of all things), but she kept glowering and wishing she could just go upstairs and be alone, her eyes never leaving Ashley's frame.

Skinny and perfect, Lily thought miserably. She let out a groan and buried her head between her arms, laying it on the table.

"Alright, Lily?" Sirius asked.

"No," Lily said, her voice muffled.

"Listen," Sirius said carefully, "if this is about what Witch Weekly printed, you know it's all complete-"

"I know," Lily snapped, lifting her head from the table. "I don't need you telling me that."

"Right," Sirius said slowly, letting the conversation lapse back into an awkward silence.

"So," Ashley said, levitating two plates in front of Sirius and Lily and then sitting on Lily's other side. "What say we watch a movie after supper?"

"Sounds good to me," Sirius said, taking a tentative bite, his eyes still on Lily pushing her sprouts around her plate with her fork.

"What about you, Lily?" Ashley asked seconds later when she didn't pipe up on her own.

"Pass," Lily said, still yet to take a bite.

"Lily," Sirius said, "come on, give it a go, it'll be-"

"Pass," Lily said more forcefully, standing from the table. "I'm not hungry. Think I'll go to bed."

As she passed the counter, she stopped for a moment, eyes locking on to a bundle of yellow, the familiar pit of anger boiling and roiling in her stomach. She tossed the bananas into the nearby bin before slamming the kitchen door shut behind her.

"Lily," Sirius called after her. "You have to eat!"

She found her plate wrapped in foil in the fridge, later, when she ventured down late at night to scrounge up something to eat (only venturing out long past she was sure Sirius was asleep). She didn't really want to, but she was finding sleep completely impossible with how much her belly ached. She ate everything cold, plus a few pieces of buttered bread, before heading back up to her room to coil up in her blankets in the dark. She groaned when Sirius tried to wake her up the next morning.

"Go away!" she shouted, her voice muffled by her face being buried in her pillow.

"Maraktis is going to be here soon, Lily!" Sirius shouted back through her door. "You might want to make yourself presentable."

Lily groaned into her pillow once more, wishing she'd never agreed to this whole thing, and wishing they weren't holding her wand hostage to force her into it. It just didn't feel fair.

Maraktis was a fit middle-aged man, head shaved smooth, but with a bushy, brown beard covering the bottom half of his face. He was wearing the stark white robes of St. Mungo's (which certainly did not make Lily feel any more like a comfortably sane person), and he was sitting in her room when she returned from her shower, a towel wrapped around her wet hair (since she wasn't allowed to just dry it with her wand anymore, or even use her powers to retract it and regrow, since that would mean using magic).

"Please, make yourself comfortable," Maraktis said, scribbling away at a notepad on his leg and not paying her the slightest amount of attention. Lily tried not to grumble too much at the sight of it (nor at her still rumbling feelings on Lupin). Lily laid down on her bed; if she had to do this, she at least wanted to do it with Gwenog Jones comforting her above.

"Pardon me if you would, Ms. Potter," Maraktis said. "I've just come from another appointment, and it's important I get the rest of my notes settled. It won't take much long at all. I've fit our weekday sessions in my lunch breaks, so I'm afraid we'll have to keep those short and to a tight schedule."

"Alright," Lily said hesitantly.

"In the meantime," Maraktis said, "allow me to introduce myself. I'm Henry Maraktis. I want you to feel perfectly comfortable during our appointments, and I encourageyou to, should you find any topic too uncomfortable, simply say so, and I will move to another."

"Alright."

"That being said," Maraktis said, "I also encourage you to push past any initial feelings. Working out your own feelings on these matters is very important, but I will not push you. We will only discuss things that you are ready for."

Lily snorted, not quite believing that. Lupin loved nothing more than to push her way past her point of comfort, even if he clearly didn't love the round of shouting that followed immediately afterwards.

The room was silent for the first couple of minutes, except for the sound of Maraktis's writing. Lily expected him to, at any moment, start launching into a lecture about her behaviour, but she knew she just had to grin and bear it if she wanted her wand back. Just thinking about it had her hand reaching for her left forearm, where her holster was supposed to be. She felt naked and powerless without the thing.

"So," Maraktis said, finally setting his quill down and turning to her with a smile (his two front teeth were slightly crooked). "I hear you're quite the flyer."

"Come again?' Lily said carefully, her arms crossed across her chest.

"There's quite the rumbling in the professional Quidditch world about you," Maraktis said conversationally, his hands perched together across his stomach. "A few of my old teammates have mentioned they've all been arguing over who's going to get you."

"Really?" Lily said, blinking slowly, arms uncrossing.

"The Tornados even had a scout at the last Slytherin match to watch you," Maraktis continued. "Way I've heard it, he was disappointed when they didn't field you; the reserve wasn't quite as good, were they?"

"Err- that's not quite what- err-"

"What did happen then?" Maraktis said, raising an eyebrow.

"Err- I don't know if I should- it was a bit awkward. I don't really want to get anyone in trouble."

"Oh, don't mind that one bit," Maraktis said, waving her concerns off. "Whatever you tell me during the confines of these meetings is perfectly confidential, not a single soul will ever hear any of it."

"I've heard that before," Lily mumbled.

"Have you?"

"Lupin told me the same thing," Lily said. "And then he went and told Sirius some stuff, and-" Lily sighed, and ran a hand over her face. "It doesn't matter."

"Of course it matters," Maraktis said. "Everything matters, Hazel- can I call you Hazel?"

"Sure?"

"Nothing is inconsequential," Maraktis continued. "And your feelings on these things are equally important."

"Err-"

"And, for the record," Maraktis said, tone turning a bit more serious. "While I'm sure Lupin had your best interests at heart, if he did tell anyone anything, it was thoroughly wrong to do so. You have my solemn vow, Hazel; everything you tell me stays between us."

"Alright," Lily said reluctantly, still not quite believing him.

"So," Maraktis said, smiling at her again. "Why weren't you playing in the Quidditch game?"

"I- err- they wouldn't let me."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I- I got to the lockers to change into my uniform, right?"

"Right."

"Only," Lily said hesitantly, her left hand drumming on her thigh, "err- they wouldn't let me change in there."

"Why is that?"

"Well, come on, surely you can guess that."

"It's important you speak the full thought, Hazel."

"Fine," Lily said with a sigh. "They wouldn't let me change in the same room with them because Skeeter outed me and they were all uncomfortable with the idea."

"Uncomfortable how?"

"Oh, gee, I wonder?"

"I am wondering."

Lily let out a frustrated sigh. "They didn't want me leering at them like some sort of- of- look, they just didn't want me there because I like girls and they think I'm creepy, alright? Happy?"

"Not at all," Maraktis said. "In fact, I imagine it must have been completely infuriating."

"Yeah, well," Lily said, crossing her arms again. "That's how everybody has been treating me since it happened. I'll get used to it. Can we talk about something else?"

"Everybody?" Maraktis said curiously. "Friends haven't been very supportive, then?"

"Most of them have," Lily said, blowing hot air through her nose.

"Most?"

"Hermione isn't- look, can we please talk about something else?"

"Of course," Maraktis said happily. "So, flying, then: have you at least been attending practices?"

"Practice is done until February," Lily said dismissively. "Too cold."

"Of course," Maraktis said, nodding. "I should have remembered that much; been out of Hogwarts too long, I suppose. I remember how freezing it could get in the winter, especially when you're several hundred feet in the air."

"You played?" Lily said, blinking slowly again, only realizing too late that he mentioned his teammates earlier.

"Beater," Maraktis said with another smile. "Played for Ravenclaw. We even took the Cup in my fourth and seventh years. There's nothing I loved more than getting in the air. A few blokes thought I was too scrawny for the role, but that didn't last long; I had the record for most knock-offs three seasons in a row."

He was too scrawny, but he still did well.

Lily chewed her lip. "Do you think I'm too- never mind."

"No, go ahead."

"Do you think I'm too big to be a Seeker?" Lily said, gesturing to herself.

"Do you?"

"I don't know," Lily said with a sigh. "Most Seekers are thin and slender, you know? But, I'm- I don't know. It's just something I've been thinking about, lately. I don't really play like a normal Seeker, you know?"

"Yes, I'm told your methods are unconventional,' Maraktis said, scratching at his beard. "I don't think there's anything wrong with having a bit of muscle, though. Does it bother you?"

"No!" Lily said far too quickly. "Err- It's just- well, it's just- when the girls kicked me out of the locker room, they- err- they told me to go dress with the boys."

"And?"

"And- well- sometimes I worry that- that I'm not enough of a girl."

"What do you mean?" Maraktis asked curiously.

"Well- it's all this Harry rubbish," Lily said, her face twisting. "I don't know, it's stupid."

"How so?"

"So what if I've got a bit of muscle?" Lily said angrily. "It's not like I've had to take Strengthening Solutions at least once a month since Third Year or anything."

"I see you've been reading Witch Weekly," Maraktis said with a chuckle.

Lily crossed her arms and clenched her jaw, wishing she'd read Ron's letter before her favourite subscription. Former favourite, at this point, as she'd already written them a strongly worded letter and cancelled her recurring payments for both Witch Weekly proper and Teen Witch Weekly. How could she not, after the front page abomination they made of her?

"It's all rubbish," she said, perhaps a tad too loudly. "I just like working out. It's fun. It makes me feel good. They didn't have to draw me as a gorilla wearing a bloody dress."

That was ignoring everything else the drawing had going on or suggested, but just putting the image back in her brain made her completely and utterly livid. And the related article only made things worse! They interviewed a dozen students (all anonymous, of course, so that they didn't receive any hate mail over it like she'd been), and all of them laid out, in excruciating detail, how much of a stupid brute of a girl she was. The only reassurance Sirius could offer her was that it was likely Death Eater retaliation for her intrusion into Bell Orchard, and that the interviews were likely either made up completely or featuring the children of Death Eaters. The only thing that actually reassured her was that she at least wasn't at school dealing with the fallout right now.

Honestly, if she did, she was pretty sure she'd murder someone. That seemed like exactly what a 'graceless ape' would do.

"Do you need a moment?" Maraktis asked as she wiped away the angry tears.

"No," Lily said, surprised by how thick her voice was. "I'm done."
"Then, let's speak about-"

"I'm done," Lily reiterated, laying her shaking, clenched fists in her lap. "You can go now."

"We'll call it early today, then," Maraktis said, standing up without hesitation. "A bit short, I'll admit, but we'll have a longer one on the weekend."

Honestly, Lily thought, burying her face in her pillow as soon as he was out of the room. How much am I supposed to take?

Sirius had the sense to stay away the rest of the day, which told Lily that Maraktis probably spoke to him, breaking his promise. That didn't surprise her, at least. It didn't even hurt, which did surprise her. She supposed she was just getting used to it all. Sirius did come in, briefly, just to leave a sandwich at her side table. She managed to get it all down without feeling disgusted about herself before settling into a long sequence of uneasy dreams (she didn't remember the contents of Voldemort continuing his investigation into her little adventure and rescue).

Sirius did try to get her up the next day, hours and hours after the sun was up, but Lily's staunch refusal seemed to persuade him otherwise. She did, at least, attend their evening's swimming session, but any attempts Sirius made to talk to her during it she firmly rebuffed. Afterwards, he subtly implied she wouldn't be getting her wand back if she didn't eat supper that night (as part of the agreement was that she'd behave herself), so she did so (while still ignoring any attempt by him or his girlfriend to converse with her).

Her next discussion with Maraktis, he seemed to get the hint to avoid any sensitive topics, and Lily was more than happy to encourage that. Instead, they talked primarily about brooms and flying. After half an hour straight of Lily speaking about how much she missed it all, and how she'd do anything to just get back in the air, Maraktis went silent and then smiled at her.

"I think that is exactly what you could do with," he said.

"Come again?" Lily said, blinking at him slowly.

"I've told Sirius your punishment has been too severe," Maraktis said. "I'll speak to him again. Get you some air time, get you out of the house for a bit. It'll do you some good, I think."

Lily certainly wasn't going to argue against any of that, and throughout the rest of the night, those words kept echoing through her head, preventing her from falling asleep.

Your punishment has been too severe.

Despite the brief flicker of hope in her heart, she didn't actually expect anything to come of it. Imagine her surprise when, the next afternoon, Sirius interrupted her laying about and told her to get dressed.

"We'll be having supper with the Weasleys," Sirius said, closing the door behind him so she could dress. "Katie's heading back to school tomorrow with the rest of the students. Thought we'd see her off."

As she came down the stairs, she still thought something would go wrong (all the while trying not to stew on the thought that Katie was getting to go back when she had to wait even longer). Even as Sirius handed her broom over before apparating them both to a familiar field, she was still skeptical this was actually happening. Even though she could see the lovely, leaning building just down the drive, she still couldn't believe she was actually out of the house. Sirius and she walked side-by-side towards the front door, knocked once, and then were whisked inside and hugged by the familiar, plump Mrs. Weasley (or, at least, Lily was; Sirius and the woman merely exchanged glances and pleasantries with one another).

"Where's Katie?" Lily asked, starting to get excited.

A cursory glance around the room failed to find her, although they lingered here and there on all the sights she loved to death. She couldn't help but smile when she saw a couple of her paintings still hanging on the walls. Mrs. Weasley seemed to be knitting a long, colourful scarf, right in front of the family clock where-

Her name was no longer at 'Home.' It was sitting firmly at 'Away.' Lily pursed her lips and turned her eyes away, feeling a bit less warmth in her heart. She tried to convince herself she was lucky her name was still on the clock at all, given she was no longer a member of the family, and she tried to push away the thought of the word 'sister' in Ginny's letter while she took a deep breath.

It doesn't mean anything, Lily, she reminded herself. You know how it works, now. You're making miniature ones. The clock just detects your living quarters. Your room is at Grimmauld Place, now; of course you're not at Home. Bill isn't, either, and you can see him sitting in the kitchen. She even sent him a little wave and tried to plaster a smile back on her face.

"She's upstairs," Mrs. Weasley said awkwardly. "Having a bit of a lie in. I'll go make sure she's up."

Lily nodded. She'd still be sleeping herself, if Sirius hadn't forced her up. That brought another hurtful thought to her head, but she decided not to voice it. Mrs. Weasley's footsteps started up the creaky stairs, and she counted them, trying to see where in the house they would stop.

"Why don't you go get a head start?" Sirius asked tentatively. "Get some practice in? Haven't flown in a bit, have you?"

"And whose fault is that?" Lily snapped, a flicker of frustration blazing through her when Mrs. Weasley's movements stopped exactly where she feared they would.

Not your room anymore, Lily. Just get over it.

Lily did leave the house, though, once Mrs. Weasley came back down and assured her that Katie was up and getting herself ready. Lily almost waited downstairs for her, but the tension was thick and palpable, sitting in the kitchen for a cup of tea with the three adults. Lily could sense that Sirius and Mrs. Weasley were just waiting to be alone so they could start a new row (probably about her), and Lily did not want to be in the room if it started early. At the very least, Mrs. Weasley gifted her the finished scarf before she left, and she wrapped it around her neck and face several times to keep out the bitterly cold air.

She did a few laps around the yard, first, just enjoying the sensation of wind whipping around her body, not understanding how anybody could call her 'graceless' after seeing how she flew. Perhaps they hadn't? Lily was just starting to make a new plan, to invite them to watch and see how they felt about that, before she decided it was a very bad idea that would undoubtedly end in more misery. Then, she turned her broom upside down, clinging to it with her fingers like a sloth hanging from a branch, and set about running herself through some complicated, difficult maneuvers.

It was hard to be angry when she was in her happy place, and she could feel all her worries melting right off of her. Maraktis was right about that, at least; this was exactly what she needed. As she did loops, as she practiced her dives (by going low enough to scoop chickens right off the ground), and as she climbed as high as she possibly could, her heart felt as light as the air itself. It wasn't until the sky began to rapidly darken, and as the first flakes of snow began to fall, that Lily realized she'd completely lost track of time.

That, and that Katie completely failed to appear.

It didn't take long at all to make up her mind. If Katie was feeling as miserable as she was (prior to her flight), then Lily couldn't blame her for flaking; it's probably what she would have done, in her place. She turned her broom back to the house, darting towards the lumpy shape and pulling up next to the window of her old room. Through the glass, she could see her old bed, with another familiar shape still curled up beneath the blankets. Lily rapped her knuckles on the glass, and then brought the bare fingers up to her mouth to puff some hot air onto them, wishing she'd brought her gloves with her.

It took a few tries to get Katie to open the window for her, and then Lily was pulling herself over the sill, balancing precariously on her broom before pulling that in after her. It wasn't until she was fully in the warm room, and closing the window behind her, that she realized how completely freezing she was.

"Hi!" Lily said happily, pulling the scarf down under her chin. Her smile dipped slightly when Katie just sat back down at her bed, staring at her hands.

"Hi," Katie said, at least. Lily looked her over, from head to toe. The girl's hair was a complete mess, matted and unwashed (and likely being that way for a few days, at the least). She had dark rings around her eyes, her nails were showing signs of having been chewed on (which Lily recognized from Hermione's hands), and, judging by the way her skin hung from her cheeks, she clearly wasn't eating as well as she should be. Lily supposed she couldn't judge any of that, considering that, prior to today, she'd been in much the same state.

Right, Lily thought, trying to wonder through all the things that would be maddening if somebody said them while she was in a funk: no asking what was wrong, no pointing out that she didn't show up for something, definitely don't mention her parents, and absolutely no insisting she eat something or-

Huh, she thought. Maybe I do need help.

Lily sat down next to Katie, deciding to start by helping someone else, rummaging through her robes. This one had to work. Something similar would have gotten her absolutely beaming.

"Got a gift for you," she said. "Sorry I didn't send it for Christmas; I just wanted to give it in person."

Lily handed Katie the small box. She expected a smile as Katie opened it, and she was eagerly awaiting the praise she was sure would be forthcoming. Those delusions shattered in her glassy mind when she received a frown.

"It's a bracelet," Lily said, pointing at the thing as if that would help in the slightest. "Little bells, see? They even- err- ring as you- are you alright?"

Katie shook her head and wiped at her teary eyes

"Sorry," she said, sniffing hard.

"Don't be!" Lily said quickly, placing a hand on her knee. "It's your parents what should be sorry!"

That was absolutely, one hundred percent, the wrong thing to say, and Lily knew it but still said it anyway, hurriedly raising her hands in surrender, mouth opening to explain herself as Katie's expression turned to one of fury directed solely at her instead of Lily's intended target.

"Err- I was only-"

"Get out," Katie said, firmly snapping the lid on her present closed.

"Katie, really- I was only trying to- I- err- I didn't mean to-"

"Go," she said, placing the little box roughly into Lily's palm. "And take that with you. I don't want it."

"Err- don't you want to-"

"Just go, Lily," Katie said, sounding extremely tired this time. "I just want to sleep."

"Err- does this mean you're- that we aren't-"

"It means what you think it means," Katie snapped, rolling over to her side. "Leave."

"Right," Lily said quietly as she rose to her feet. "Happy Christmas, then."

Katie said nothing as she left the room, this time through the normal door, her broom dragging along the floor and what she thought was a thoughtful, loving gift weighing heavily in her pocket. Her boots hit each step with a resounding thunk as she hurried her way downstairs, jaw clenched hard enough to strain her teeth.

Stupid, she thought to herself. What'd you have to go and say that for? You knew it'd be a sore spot. So stupid.

She found Sirius and the Weasley parents sitting at the kitchen table, Bill talking with them quietly.

"- we can't, Dumbledore told us not to tell her."

"To hell with Dumbledore," Sirius said. "She deserves to- hullo, Lily! When did you come in?"

"Can we go home?" Lily said, doing her best not to cry right then and there, even though her hands were shaking. Sirius frowned at her, watching her carefully.

"Supper is almost ready!" Mrs. Weasley said quickly. "You can't leave just yet!"

"I want to go home," Lily said, still looking straight at Sirius.

"Alright," Sirius said, still watching her. "Just give me five minutes, yeah? I'll wrap up quickly, promise."

"I'm going now," Lily said defiantly.

"Lily-"

"Bye."

"Don't do it," Sirius said, pursing his lips and shaking his head.

Well, now she was definitely going to do it.

Lily turned on the spot and disapparated, popping back into Grimmauld Place's sitting room.

"Sirius tells me you're in trouble again."

Lily crossed her arms, keeping her gaze firmly on the ceiling.

"You know you can't apparate by yourself, Hazel," Maraktis said calmly. "You aren't yet of age, and you tend to splinch yourself in the process."

"I didn't."

"This time."

"Look, I don't need another lecture, alright?" Lily said. "Sirius already went on long enough."

"May I ask what caused it?" Maraktis asked.

"Caused what?" Lily asked dangerously.

"You felt the need to run away," Maraktis said simply. "I see no other reason for you to act as you did."

"It wasn't anything," Lily said, crossing her arms. "I just wanted to go home, is all."

"Hazel," Maraktis said, leaning back in his seat. "Admittedly, I haven't known you long, but I can tell when you're lying."

"Fine," Lily snapped. "Katie broke up with me. Happy?"

"Of course not," Maraktis said with a kind, sad smile. "So, you ran because you were rejected, then?"

"Yes," Lily said through clenched teeth.

"And what else?"

"Come again?"

"You're still hiding something," Maraktis said plainly. "If not from me, then from yourself."

"I don't know what you mean."

"You're angry," Maraktis said. "I can tell that much."

"Shouldn't I be?"

"Perhaps," Maraktis said. "You certainly have good reason to be so. Or, really, I presume so. Why are you angry, Hazel?"

"I just told you," Lily said, chewing the inside of her mouth. "Katie broke up with me."

"You've been angry long before then."

"Have you seen what the papers have been saying?" Lily said, letting out a hysteric little laugh.

"Yes," Maraktis said, crossing his legs. "But this pattern of destructive behaviour appeared long before the first negative article was printed. Sirius tells me even before you saw it, you weren't pleasant to be around."

"Did he now?" Lily said dangerously.

"My words, not his," Maraktis said. "He's worried about you. So: why are you angry?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" Lily said again.

"Why, indeed?" Maraktis said patiently.

Lily let out a long, frustrated sigh, her foot tapping on the wall next to her. Taking a deep breath afterwards did very little to calm her down.

"It's not fair," she said at last.

"What isn't?"

"Anything!" Lily said, throwing her hands up into the air. "I can't do anything without the world coming down on me for it."

"Surely that isn't quite correct."

"Isn't it?" Lily said with a scoff. "I can't get a girlfriend without getting outed to the entire bloody world. I can't have a girlfriend without her parents kidnapping her and trying to sell her off. I can't rescue her without being punished for weeks. And she hates me and doesn't want to see me anymore. It's not fair."

"I'm sure she doesn't hate you."

"Does it matter if she does? The rest of the world does."

"Does it?"

"Come on!" Lily said exasperatedly. "How can you possibly think otherwise? I try to do the right thing, and all it does is spit in my face every. Single. Time. I change to Slytherin to rescue Hermione, and I get dementors and wanting to die. I help rescue Sirius, and I get the papers constantly calling me a monster. I change schools and I get bullied worse. And I get forced back to Hogwarts anyway! What's the point of it all?"

Lily crossed her arms again, her fingers drumming angrily on her side. She chewed the inside of her mouth again while she thought, wondering when Maraktis would tell her she was being such a petulant little baby.

"It's not like I thought everybody would like it," she said, just to fill the time. "I just- I don't know."

"Try to explain it."

"I just thought somebody would be proud," Lily said. "I thought somebody would tell me I did good. I mean- they were going to sell her! But not even she thanked me for it. She broke up with me." Lily's voice broke at the end, and she swallowed down the sudden emotions.

"The Order was there to rescue her," Maraktis said, undoubtedly pretending not to notice.

"So what?" Lily snapped. "It's not like I knew that. Besides, they were taking too long."

"Were they?"

"Nott was on his way to her room! Care to imagine what he was planning with his child bride?"

"No, actually, I don't."

"Yeah, well, Fred and George stopped him," Lily said. "They wouldn't have been there if it wasn't for me. And I know that's part of the problem, and, no, I don't care. We were right to be there."

"Hazel-"

"And, for that matter," Lily continued, "the Order wouldn't know nothing about what Lucius has planned if I hadn't been there to hear it! But, no, not a single little 'thank you, Lily!' Not even a 'good job!'"

"Hazel-"

"I mean, I get it!" Lily said. "I do, alright! I'm just a kid, I shouldn't have been there, I shouldn't- but what does it matter? I mean, I've always had to do everything myself, haven't I?"

"Have you?"

"Yes!" Lily said. "I mean- come on- I tried to get help! Sirius wouldn't listen to me! I just wanted to know what the plan was but they wouldn't tell me, so why would I tell them?"

"And your previous escapades?" Maraktis said, scribbling something in his notebook. "Did you attempt to get help then, too?"

"Of course, I did!" Lily said. "It's not like I want to do this stuff myself! I don't! I just want to play Quidditch! I want to draw, I want to paint, I want to be happy like everybody else gets to be, but if I don't do these things, nothing gets done!"

"What do you mean?"

"What do I mean?" Lily said shrilly. "Come on, mate, you know what I mean!"

"I'm afraid I don't."

"Look, just take the bloody Chamber of Secrets," Lily said. "I tried to get help. The instant I figured it all out, I tried. But Moody got petrified, Gran wouldn't listen to me, and Dumbledore was gone! What was I supposed to do? Just let Hermione die down there?"

"Of course not," Maraktis said. "What you did was the right thing, Hazel."

"Come again?" Lily said, blinking slowly.

"You're a hero," Maraktis said simply. "Your friend would have died down there without your help, and nobody would listen to you. You're correct; you acted on instinct, and you did what you thought needed to be done. You're a hero."

"Huh," Lily said after a long pause. "You really think so?"

"I do," Maraktis said, nodding confidently. "As a matter of fact, I happen to believe you've done the right thing here, too."

"Really?" Lily said, laughing a little nervously.

"Really," Maraktis said. "I think it's just the execution of the matter that needs more work."

"What do you mean?" Lily asked, sitting up and swinging her legs over the side of her bed, the tips of her toes just touching the rug on the floor.

"You've got the right idea," Maraktis said. "Nobody was listening to you about the Chamber. You tried to get help. But did it ever occur to you to just wait?"

"I couldn't!" Lily said quickly. "Hermione was down there, and-"

"And the school staff arrived to rescue you, did they not?" Maraktis asked. "At the end? That is why you lived, is it not?"

"I suppose," Lily said reluctantly, pulling at a loose thread on her blanket.

"I'm not saying you shouldn't have gone down there," Maraktis said. "As it is, from what the Order has told me, you would have needed to regardless, as only a Slytherin speaking Parseltongue could have opened the Chamber. Is that correct?"

"Yes."

"But there was no need for you to do everything yourself," Maraktis said. "I'm told you were bitten attempting to slay the Basilisk. Is that correct?"

"Yes," Lily said, wondering where this was going.

"And did you really need to kill it yourself?" Maraktis asked. "Could you not have simply delayed it, waited for help?"

"I couldn't," Lily said again. "I didn't know they were coming."

"But you could have," Maraktis said. "You knew you were innocent of the crime. You knew that the staff were reviving the petrified victims at that very moment. You knew they would immediately tell the Ministry who was really behind it all. From there, it's a small leap to 'once they know, they'll come,' is it not?"

"Sure," Lily said very slowly.

"That is your problem," Maraktis said. "You act on your first impulse. You need to take a moment, even if it's just that- a moment- to think things through. In this case, I believe it's fully excuse; you were acting under very stressful circumstances. But, take this most recent adventure of yours: you had hours to plan your little heist on the flight to Ireland, did you not?"

"Yes," Lily said awkwardly, pulling at that thread again.

"And did it never occur to you to think through a better plan?"

"Err-"

"What could you have done differently?" Maraktis asked patiently.

"Err- I suppose that- I probably didn't need to disguise myself as Ms. Black. I- err- could have been under the cloak with the twins?"

"A good start," Maraktis said, nodding along. "An invisible trio moving silently could have done and heard a lot. But there's one fatal flaw with that plan: three of you might have fit under the cloak. Four of you definitely would not have, especially with Ms. Bell being so initially unwilling to leave."

"We didn't know she wanted to leave."

"And a good plan always takes into account that one or many things could go wrong. Try again."

"Err-" Lily said, stalling for time. "I suppose that- that- err- I could have gone in with one of the twins? Maybe the- the other one could have stayed in the car?"

"Yes," Maraktis said, nodding again. "And then?

"Err- I guess- if we found Katie, we could have- err- called him, somehow? And he could have pulled the- err- flying car right up to her window?"

"An excellent plan," Maraktis said with a slight smile. "And one that allows for a quick escape without being surrounded by dozens of Death Eaters. And it only took you a few seconds to come up with."

"Right," Lily said, suddenly feeling awfully embarrassed. "I suppose I'm just stupid, then."

"Hardly," Maraktis said, rolling his eyes at her. "In fact, from what I've observed, you happen to be an exceptionally clever girl."

"Really?" Lily said, blinking in surprise.

"Really," Maraktis said. "You just act too quickly. You have a sharp mind, but you refuse to listen to it. See what you came up with just by thinking a problem through for more than a second?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that you have a good heart," Maraktis said, tapping her chest. "You should let it decide your destination." He moved his hand upwards, tapping her sharply on the forehead. "Just let your brain choose the path."