"Lily! Time to get up!"
Lily rolled over to face the wall, ignoring Sirius's knocking at her door, and pulling a pillow closer to her chest; it was locked, and he (hopefully) would keep his promise to never force an entry. She pulled her legs up, too, since her feet were poking out the bottom of the blanket and getting a bit chilly.
"Come on, Lily, you have to keep up your studies. You know that. You can't just lay in bed all day."
Lily rolled onto her back, pillow resting on her chest and eyes up towards the ceiling, trying to remember what she'd been dreaming about. Someday, she'd need to look into why she never could. Her scar was prickling, again, and she was sure she'd know why if she could just force herself to-
"Take a few minutes," Sirius said, his voice much softer. "I'll go get some breakfast from our usual place, yeah? Just- just be ready when I get back, alright?"
Lily ran a couple fingers over her still stinging scar as the last remnants of rest slipped away from her. It was worthless to keep trying to sleep, at this point, so she managed to roll out bed, cursing at herself for leaving her slippers over by her desk. She was dressed in her pyjamas and waiting in the dining room when Sirius returned carrying a small bag.
"Couldn't manage a shower?" he asked with a soft smile, placing a breakfast sandwich in front of her. Lily shrugged, unwrapped hers, and took a large bite.
"What's the point?" Lily said, shrugging with her mouth still full of food. "Not like I'm leaving the house, am I?"
"So," Sirius said, chewing slowly. "Potions, Transfiguration, or Charms to start with?"
"Potions, I guess," Lily said, leaning back and slouching in her chair.
One-on-one education sessions with Sirius were almost completely unbearable. For one thing, she was by herself, so when a lecture got a bit too boring for her, she had no way of dozing off or otherwise trying to entertain herself (usually by doodling her professors in increasingly embarrassing situations). For another, because she was by herself, it meant she always had the full attention of her instructor, which only seemed to highlight what she was bad at while breezing over what she was good at. When she completed something she was good at without much effort and in record time, all it did was further frustrate both her and Sirius when she got stuck on something else for ages. Brewing potions was normally one of her few happy places, but even that often turned into a nightmare.
"If it says six nitrotubers, you really should use six," he said, tapping the page. "Any more could make it too unstable."
"But if I use seven, the potion comes out better," Lily said in response. "I've only made this stuff a dozen times, Sirius. I know what I'm doing."
"Your OWLs are looking for you to stick to a recipe as written, Lily," Sirius said. "Not-"
"Oh, I'm taking my OWLs, now, am I?" Lily asked, stirring her cauldron even faster.
"I'm home schooling you, Lily," Sirius said impatiently. "You didn't drop out. You still get to take your OWLs instead of the equivalents. You'll just do so at the Ministry instead of-"
"Oh, maybe I should just leave school," Lily said, stirring even faster.
"Lily, watch what you're-"
"I mean, learning is just so dangerous," Lily said mockingly.
"Lily-"
"Who knows what awful things I'll pick up in self-study!" Lily said, picking up her pace even further. "Why, I could even-"
She was interrupted by her cauldron exploding and spraying purple ooze everywhere, and her school day was forced to end early so Sirius could deep clean their work area. Which meant she got a whole day to sit and do nothing before Maraktis arrived for their appointment (after spending a half hour cleaning the ooze off herself in the bathroom, anyway).
"Have you been sleeping well, Hazel?" Healer Maraktis asked, a journal resting on his thigh and a quill in one of his hands. At his side was a little table, where an inkpot was waiting for a refill. Lily was more focused on the bookshelf behind him; Sirius had yet to replace most of what he threw out ages ago, so it was mostly filled with her old textbooks from previous years. She almost couldn't stand the sight of so many Lockhart adventures, and she made a hasty decision to burn them as soon as she could.
"No," Lily said, laying on the stupid little couch and trying her best not to feel too comfortable. Why they moved their sessions to the study instead of her room, she still had no idea why. The couch looked fancy, but it was lumpy and uncomfortable and she hated it. Maybe she'd burn it, too, while she was at it.
"Are you having the nightmares again?"
"I have no idea," Lily said, shrugging, unconsciously raising a hand to rub at her scar. It wasn't currently bothering her, but when she focused her thoughts on it, like just now, she could feel just a twinge of pain in it.
"Sirius tells me you haven't been eating," Maraktis said.
"Rubbish," Lily said, snorting, setting her hand back down. "I just ate with him this morning."
"And, yet, you've been avoiding supper. Should I be worried?"
"No," Lily said, crossing her arms. "I just don't want to watch him and his girlfriend while I eat. It's sickening. I've been sneaking down later, after they've gone to bed."
"I won't worry about it, then," Maraktis said, chuckling and writing something down. "About your little incident: why don't you tell me how it began?"
"No, thank you," Lily said, checking her nails. She fancied a pink colour, today, and she changed them right to it with a single thought after checking to make sure Maraktis wasn't looking at her.
"I'm told Ms. Lavigne has made a full recovery," Maraktis said, looking up from where he was writing in his book. "And her father has assured us they will not be pressing charges, you'll be glad to hear."
"And her mother?" Lily said, unable to stop herself. "Did they bother asking the Muggle what she thought?"
"I don't believe she was told," Maraktis said.
"Doesn't surprise me," Lily said with a scoff. "Why tell a Muggle her daughter was attacked in a school? Couldn't possibly be important, could it? No, Muggles don't need to know a thing."
"Perhaps I misspoke," Maraktis said. "I am not privy to the particulars of the matter, but Mrs. Lavigne was not told at the request of her daughter. Beauxbatons has a strict privacy policy, and, as such, they elected to follow her wishes."
"Big surprise," Lily said, rolling her eyes. "Why tell someone her daughter was almost murdered?"
"You acted in self-defense, Hazel," Maraktis said. "It would hardly have been considered murder.
"Whatever," Lily said, tapping her fingers on her arm. Now her scar was starting to hurt for real.
"How have you been feeling since the incident?" Maraktis asked, studying her carefully. "Any unusual bouts of anger? Sadness? Fear?"
"No," Lily said, looking away from him. "Not a thing."
"Nothing as in 'you aren't feeling those emotions,'" Maraktis said, "Or 'nothing' as in 'you aren't feeling anything?'"
"You know exactly what I mean," Lily said. "She deserved what she got. Why do we have to talk about this every day?"
"The spell you used was a Dark Art," Maraktis said calmly, still writing away. "It is only natural for your best emotions to be subdued afterwards. Prolonged exposure can-"
"Do away with them entirely, I know," Lily said dismissively. "I didn't know it was dark. I didn't even know what it would do. Besides, this one just- it didn't do anything." Lily looked away again, not quite willing to tell anything about her little mirror episode yet. She was sure he caught it, but he said nothing.
"Where did you learn the spell?" Maraktis asked, adding after Lily clenched her jaw again, "it is not illegal to use dark magic, Hazel, so long as it isn't on the Ministry's forbidden list. Aurors use such spells frequently in the line of duty."
"Why don't you go question them, then?"
"I will," Maraktis said casually. "It is department policy for aurors to undergo mandatory wellness sessions twice a month. This is a judgment free zone, Hazel. Everything you say stays in this room. All I want is to make sure you aren't feeling any negative effects from your spell."
"What if I said it wasn't an accident?" Lily asked, inspecting her nails for mistakes. "What if I meant to- to kill her? What, then?"
"Did you?" Maraktis asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Maybe," Lily said slowly. "She deserved what she got."
"So, you meant it as a punishment, then?" Maraktis said.
"No," Lily admitted after a very long pause.
"I didn't think so," Maraktis said. "Why did you do it, then? Why that particular spell?"
"I don't know," Lily said, closing her eyes. For enemies, it said. "Can we talk about something else, now?"
"If you insist," Maraktis said. "But we will need to cover this eventually. You cannot keep running from it forever."
"Yeah, yeah," Lily grumbled. "Next time, then."
Sirius mentioning that she was skipping their suppers at the table made Lily feel guilty enough to at least try that very night. She was watching the telly when Sirius returned from picking up food… along with Ashley Smith in tow. Lily tried to slink off upstairs while they hung up their robes, deciding it wasn't worth it, but she didn't even make it halfway up the first flight before being noticed.
"Lily," Sirius said, clearing his throat and holding up the bag of food.
"Fine," Lily said, groaning and slinking back downstairs.
"It'll have to be fast tonight," Sirius said, shepherding her to the kitchen table. "We've got an Order meeting tonight."
"What about?" Lily asked casually, taking a seat as far away from the other two as she reasonably could.
"Oh, just the general state of our imploding Ministry," Ashley said, sighing as she slid the proper dishes in front of their recipients. "Let's just say Fudge is leaning on a lot of departments at the moment."
"For what?" Lily said, not quite able to hide her eagerness that time.
"Well," Ashley said, taking a small bite of her rice. "Let's just say he didn't take kindly to Dumbledore putting him in his place."
"He's trying to pass through some legislation to put more Ministry oversight over our schooling systems," Sirius said. "Not a bad idea in theory, but in practice- well, he's just trying to punish you and Dumbledore both, to be honest."
"Me?" Lily said, stopping with her fork halfway to her mouth. "Why?"
"Because he thinks you're a nutter," Sirius said, shrugging. "How are you reading the paper every morning and missing all of this?"
"I- I was looking for something specific!"
"I wouldn't worry about it, Hazel," Ashley said, giving him a soft slap on the arm. "Dumbledore won't even let the Wizengamot bring any of it to a vote."
"Right," Lily said, suddenly realizing she knew very little about how their government operated. "And- err- how's he doing that, then?"
Sirius gave her a sharp look. "Are you serious?"
"Yes?" Lily said slowly, staring only at her food to hide her shame.
"Dumbledore is the Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot," Ashley said helpfully. "The Wizengamot meets not only in criminal trials, but also to vote on passing the Ministry's legislation. If they reach two-thirds in favour of a law, it gets passed. If they don't, it doesn't."
"Only," Sirius added, "as Chief, Dumbledore gets to decide what they vote on. Fudge has just enough support to pass what he wants, and we know it- so, we're just not giving him the chance."
"Fudge can get around him, of course," Ashley added, "but to do that, he needs approval of three-quarters of the Ministry's department heads- hence, why he's putting so much pressure on everybody."
"But while he might have the support of most of the Wizengamot," Sirius said, "he's got nowhere near that much in the Ministry itself."
"So, now," Ashley said, "he's trying to promote loyalists to those positions so he can force his agenda through."
"Right," Lily said, only really following half of that. "So, what's he-"
Lily was interrupted by the doorbell ringing.
"Thank Merlin mum's not here anymore," Sirius said, standing up and disappearing from the room to go answer it. That left her alone with Ashley, and Lily tried to fill the silence by shoveling food into her mouth.
"So," Ashley said, apparently not getting the hint. "Sirius tells me you're brilliant at Potions."
"Does he now?" Lily said, remembering their disastrous lesson quite differently.
"It's a shame Sirius wasn't big on the subject himself," Ashley said. "You know, if you're looking for a better tutor, I'd be happy to do it. I got an 'O' on both my OWLs and NEWTs for it!"
"I'll pass, thanks," Lily said. That was as nice as she could put it.
"Just something to think about," Ashley said, shrugging. "I could teach you all sorts of things, though; even got a few secret recipes from a mate down in the Department of Mysteries- you'll have to keep those to yourself, though. Strictly speaking, I'm not even supposed to know about them."
"No, thanks," Lily said, poking at her food with her fork before deciding to be nicer. "Err- what do they do?"
"Well," Ashley said, happily leaning forward, "one of them comes from the Hall of Prophecy, and he said that drinking it mimics a seer's ability to-"
Ashley was cut off by a deep voice coming from the hallway.
"-Scrimgeour is currently leaning towards Fudge," the dark-skinned man said as he entered the kitchen, "but I think he could be convinced to-"
"Maybe not now, Kings," Tonks said, following after him and immediately spotting Lily. "Wotcher, Lily."
"Wotcher," Lily said back in response.
"This is Kingsley Shacklebolt, Hazel," Ashley said, gesturing to the new man. "He's an auror."
Lily just nodded, not fully listening. She was more focused on the third person to enter the room.
"Hello, Lily," Lupin said, giving her a small, tired smile. "Alright?"
"Alright enough," Lily said, shrugging. "Listen, I've been wanting to-"
The doorbell rang again just as Sirius entered the kitchen, and he groaned and turned right back around to go answer it.
"You should probably clear out, Lily," he called out from the hallway.
"Right," Lily said, standing slowly and picking her container of food up with her. "'spose I'll just watch some telly, then."
There was a slow parade of arrivals trickling through the hallway while she sat herself firmly on the couch. The only ones who bothered to come in and say hello (and the only ones she recognized aside from the Hogwarts staff) to her were the Weasleys, and Mrs. and Mr. both gave her a very firm hug (and Bill a handshake).
"We'll have to have you over for supper sometime, dear," Mrs. Weasley said, squeezing her side worryingly. "You look like you've dropped a couple stone since I've last seen you."
"Have not," Lily said, feeling pleased with the offer none-the-less.
"Perhaps just a tin of fudge, then, for Easter," Mrs. Weasley said, pinching her cheek this time.
Watching some melodramatic program while pretending not to know there was a secret group of revolutionaries meeting in her kitchen was almost too much to bear. What made it worse was knowing they had to be discussing her. How could they expect her not to eavesdrop? Several times, she rose from the couch to squat down in the hallway, her ear pressed firmly to the solid ground. It was no use, though. She couldn't hear a single thing from within. She even went to her trunk upstairs and dug out her Extendable Ear, but then she was too nervous about getting it confiscated and having to rat out the twins to try it; she had no way of getting a new one if it was taken.
She sat and moped on the couch for hours before the Order finally emerged, and hardly a single one of them spared her a glance as they left the premises. They were more preoccupied with their own private conversations, leaving in pairs and groups and whispering in a huddle. The first one to check in on her was the one she expected the least.
"I've left a set of instructions with your Godfather, Potter," Snape said, standing still in the doorway and watching her carefully. "It should give you a good head start on the fifth year material, provided you follow it rigorously. When you complete it, I'll leave another."
"Alright," Lily said, definitely not willing to tell him 'thank you.' He seemed to accept it, though, and went on his way after a brief nod, McGonagall and Sprout following behind him. McGonagall offered her a smile and another nod, but that was all she got. The Weasleys stopped in, as well, and Mrs. Weasley even gave her an extra meal that she cooked during the meeting. She ate it while watching Mr. Weasley inspect the telly with a childlike awe, and then she gave all three of them a very fond hug before they went on their way (even managing to drag Bill into one).
Lily was waiting to catch a certain somebody, but the trickle slowed to a halt, and she snuck down the hallway towards the kitchen, hoping he hadn't just apparated away. The door was still cracked open slightly, and she heard voices flow through it.
"-can't keep avoiding her, mate," Sirius said. "And I'm getting sick of covering for you as it is."
"I'm not avoiding anybody," Lupin said. "I am only giving her space."
"That's rubbish, Remus, and you know it."
"She doesn't need me to-"
"Of course she doesn't need you to!" Sirius agreed. "She wants you to! We're not teenagers anymore, mate. At some point, you're going to have to understand that some people legitimately want you as part of their life."
"She gave you a bloody shop," Ashley said, sounding legitimately mad on her behalf. "You could at least talk to her."
"Perhaps she shouldn't have," Lupin said slowly. "Maybe someone else would have been a better choice than me."
"Oh, shut up," Sirius said. "Merlin, Moony, you and me- we're going out next weekend, and we're going to get you over this slump."
"But-"
"No arguments," Sirius said, Lily hearing his chair squeak as he stood from it. "This has gone on long enough. We're going to knock back a few pints, find you a pretty bird, and-"
Lily didn't hear anything after that, as much as she wanted to. She was too busy making her way back to the couch as quickly and quietly as possible, so that nobody would know that she heard a thing. She was pretending to be incredibly invested in her show as the three passed by in the hallway.
"Want to watch a 'moo-vee'?" Sirius asked, closing the front door behind the two guests. "Borrowed an old 'VHS' from the Grangers, now that we've got the 'telly' working. Might be fun?"
"I think I'll go to bed, actually," Lily said, hopping up from the couch.
"Alright," Sirius called after her. "I'll be down here if you change your mind."
Lily just gave him a little wave as she made her way up the stairs, all the way up to her room. As soon as she was in it, she walked straight over to her bed, and plopped face first into her pillow.
For enemies.
Lily screamed into her pillow, just to relieve a bit of her stress. Then, she hopped from her bed, stomping quickly over to her desk. She pushed the unread letters off, scattering them over the ground, and then grabbed a sheet of fresh parchment and the pen Lupin gave to her long ago.
You have to talk to somebody, Lily.
Well, Lupin wasn't here, and neither was anybody she actually wanted to talk to. That only really left her with one choice, since she didn't much feel like venting to Sirius. Lily set her pen down and hopped up to her feet, walking quickly over to her wardrobe. She took a deep breath, and then opened the door. The inside of the door, on both sides, had the only mirrors in her room. She looked straight into it, staring at herself as if something was supposed to happen (other than disappointment at her own appearance).
"Hello?" she asked, watching her lips move. "You there- err- me?"
She just kept staring back at herself, silent and not completely barkers, and Lily sighed and closed the door, feeling better that her little lapse in sanity seemed to be temporary.
"You sure you just want toast?" Sirius asked, sliding her a small plate with two buttered slices of bread.
"I'm sure," Lily said, nibbling at the corner of one while she read over the morning paper. Now that she was more aware of what was going on, she couldn't believe she hadn't noticed how much she was mentioned before. Her name was just buried deep in articles talking about recent legal movements, now, instead of being headline material. Honestly, she preferred this, at least. The only person her age who read past the headlines (unless it was a particularly sensational one) was Hermione.
"What are you looking for, anyway?" Sirius asked.
"Skeeter's deadline is almost up," Lily said, taking a larger bite of bread. "I changed my mind. I'll take some eggs."
"What about some sausage?"
"Sure, sure. Just pile it on."
"And what's this about Skeeter?" Sirius said, sliding some fat, juicy pork vessels on to her plate, right over her bread. Lily waited for him to toss some egg on there, too, then put her half eaten slice on top and made a little sandwich.
"Nothing," Lily said, setting down the paper so she could hold her creation in both hands. Current events were far less interesting than a breakfast sandwich. "Doesn't matter. Didn' write nothin'." She said the last bit while her mouth was stuffed full of heaven on Earth.
"Don't worry about Skeeter," Sirius said, sipping at his tea. "She hasn't written anything in weeks."
Lily just smiled at him and took another bite of food.
"What are we working on today?" she asked after swallowing.
"You seem awful chipper. What's wrong?"
"Nothing. You know, most people don't need something to be wrong to be happy."
"Just not used to you smiling so much."
"It's almost Easter," Lily said, rolling her eyes and taking another big bite. "Means no more work, soon."
"No, it doesn't," Sirius said, taking another casual sip of his drink.
"Come again?" Lily asked, chewing more slowly.
"I've seen your marks," Sirius said, setting his cup down and reaching for the paper. "You don't have time for a break. Not a full one, anyway."
"Everybody else gets a break," Lily said, swallowing and setting down her sandwich. "How come I don't?"
"First of all," Sirius said patiently, "I promise you that's not true. Fourth year is very busy. All your mates are going to be staying at school and spending the entire time trying not to break down sobbing over their workload."
"But-"
"Second of all," Sirius continued, "I'm not making you work nearly as hard as they will be. Just a couple hours of History of Magic a day, is all, to shore up your-"
"History?" Lily said. "You have got to be kidding me."
"Lily, most of the assignments you've turned in this year for it have earned a 'Dreadful,'" Sirius said. "I've got them upstairs. I can show you if you'd like."
"But-"
"Did you forget that, just yesterday, you didn't even know what the Wizengamot did?" Sirius asked. "Clearly, Binns has failed you, and I'd prefer if you didn't get a 'T' on the OWL, thank you."
"This isn't fair!" Lily said. "What does it matter what I get in History when I'm going to drop it after?"
"I'm not out to force you to get an 'O' in it," Sirius said. "Merlin, I earned a 'D,' myself, but-"
"Then why do I have to study for it if you didn't?"
"Because I want you to be better than me," Sirius said. "I couldn't be bothered because we all thought we were above it- especially with the war going on- but if you don't pass it, you're never going to hear the end of it."
"What?" Lily said, letting out a little scoff. "You're worried that the press will think I'm a muppet? They already do, Sirius." She emphasized the last point by tapping on the paper she'd just finished reading (mostly).
"Well, let's not give them any more to work with, yeah?"
"I wanted to paint!"
"You still can! It'll just have to be-"
"This isn't fair!" Lily protested. "You already pulled me out of Hogwarts, and now-"
"That was for-"
"Now I don't even get a break?" Lily finished. "Am I still going to have to meet with Maraktis, too?"
"You know you will," Sirius said. "That's not a punishment, Lily. It's to help you."
"Brilliant," Lily said, pushing her half-finished sandwich away from herself. "That's half the day gone, right there."
"Lily, you know you need it," Sirius said. "We just want to make sure you're doing alright."
"Well, thank you so much for just deciding my life for me, Sirius," Lily said, standing from her seat. "I'm going back to bed."
"Lily, we haven't even started yet."
"Why bother?" Lily asked, already heading out of the kitchen with her hands tucked into the pockets of her pyjama bottoms. "There'll be plenty of time during the summer, too."
"So," Maraktis said, crossing one leg over the other. "Have you been keeping busy?"
Lily snorted. "What, not going to lecture me about using dark magic today?"
"I don't believe I've ever lectured you."
"You know you want to."
"Quite the contrary," Maraktis said. "All I asked for was the spell. I have zero intentions on judging you."
"Why?"
"Well, dark magic can cause all sorts of side effects," Maraktis said. "For instance, the Killing Curse can shatter your very soul into multiple pieces, while the Cruciatus destroys one's sense of empathy. Even something as simple as the Blasting Curse can cause worrying problems."
"Really?" Lily said, shifting uncomfortably. "Like- like what?"
"Well," Maraktis said, "let's just say the fellow I'm referring to is in Mungo's for the rest of his life. Don't worry, Hazel- you'd need to cast it a lot to get to that point, and all without taking the time to heal. That's why it's so important we discuss this. So- what was the spell?"
"I don't know the name of it," Lily said, sighing deeply. "The incantation is Sectumsempra, though."
"Sectumsempra?" Markatis said, writing it down in his journal. "Not familiar with that one."
"I couldn't find it in any of the library books, either," Lily said.
"Then where did it you learn it from?"
"Ask Snape."
"Are you suggesting a Hogwarts professor taught you dark magic?"
"I can show you the paper he wrote it on, if you want," Lily said, scratching at her nose. "Got it up in my trunk."
"It seems I am due a conversation, then," Maraktis said, writing in his book again. "And you haven't noticed any lingering effects?"
"No," Lily said, sighing again. "Honestly, I'm not sure it had one at all. Really." For all she knew, her little episode of madness was completely unrelated to it.
"If it is Snape's, he'll be able to tell me more," Maraktis said. He set down his book and turned to smile at her. "Now, on to lighter topics, shall we? How are your studies going?"
"They're fine," Lily said, crossing her arms.
"Well- I certainly believe that."
"I want my wand back," Lily grumbled. "Sirius won't let me keep it after lessons."
"Well- legally speaking, he's not supposed to," Maraktis said carefully. "But I'll have a word with him- you should be allowed to practice in your own spare time, just like your peers."
Lily let her shoulders relax a bit. "Really?"
"Really," Maraktis said. "Of course, you're already well ahead in a few subjects, so- try to take it easy, will you?"
Lily snorted again. "'Take it easy.'"
"Why not?" Maraktis said. "Don't fancy a break."
"It's not that- I- it doesn't matter what I want."
"Of course it does," Maraktis said, laughing. "You need to focus on your own happiness first, Hazel, not on the expectations others have set for you."
Lily blinked in surprised at that one. "What do you mean?"
"It seems to me you've become quite accustomed to doing as you're told," Maraktis said, tapping his journal. "Not without argument, of course- and that isn't admonishment, you should stick up for yourself- but it also seems like you always give in with what is expected of you. For example, how many hours did you spend practicing with Ms. Delacour, before you were made Champion?"
"Three every Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday," Lily said slowly.
"Nine a week, all spent on studies outside your curriculum, and all well beyond the curriculum set for others your age."
"It wasn't that big a deal," Lily said, shrugging.
"It is," Maraktis said. "Nine a week, thirty six a month, seventy-two in your two months spent at Beauxbatons."
Lily frowned. She'd never heard it put quite like that before.
"Yeah, but- that isn't- it's not that bad."
"In addition," Markatis said, "you had meetings with this Professor 'Belby' every weekend, yes?"
"Yes," Lily said. "But that was just- it was nothing, really."
"How long did those last?"
"Five," Lily said reluctantly.
"So, another five hours gone every week," Maraktis said. "That brings us to one hundred and two hours total spent on extra studies during your time at Beauxbatons. And what were you doing?"
"Brewing potions," Lily said simply, still thinking about the number.
"And am I correct in believing the complexity of these potions was well above what the rest of your class is capable of?"
"Yes," Lily said, "but I'm good at Potions. I like it."
"And that's excellent!" Maraktis agreed. "But five extra hours a week? How often was Quidditch practice?"
"I- just a couple hours, Mondays, Saturdays, and Sundays."
"Six more a week," Maraktis said, scratching at his beard. "We're up to one hundred and fifty on extracurriculars, for the record. I'm told the Beauxbatons class schedule is quite packed- let alone Hogwarts. What was yours?"
"Classes started at eight and ended at six," Lily said reluctantly.
"A full ten hours a day spent in classes," Maraktis said, holding up both hands to demonstrate. "Was there a break for lunch?"
"Yes," Lily said, slowly adding, "but- err- I- never mind."
"Go on."
"We had an hour, from eleven to noon," Lily said, "but- well- I only had five minutes to eat."
"And why is that?" Maraktis said.
"Homework," Lily mumbled.
"Yes, I was worried about that," Maraktis said, scribbling in his journal again. "For the record, ten hours a day is fifty a week, two hundred a month, bringing us to a grand total of four hundred and fifty hours spent on school related matters while at Beauxbatons. You're a fourth year. I remember my own Hogwarts days, and how I felt like I was drowning in paperwork every day. I imagine you feel much the same?"
"Yes," Lily said, sitting up and letting out a little sigh of relief. "Honestly, sometimes I feel like I'd rather be dead than spend another second reading about Transfiguration Circles or ancient runes or- fuck- spending any time doing arithmancy."
"Yes," Maraktis said, smiling softly. "I'd imagine so. Arithmancy is still my least favourite part of the job; it doesn't get much better, I'm afraid. What about your other classes?"
"Charms and Potions are fine," Lily said, running a hand through her hair, "I can get through them in a few minutes, don't even have to look anything up, I just know it off the top of my head. It's everything else that kills me."
"How long do you spend on everything else?"
"I don't know," Lily said with a sigh, leaning her head back against the back of the couch. "Honestly, sometimes it feels like it just never ends. Every time I finish something, there's four more things to take its place."
"Give me a guess."
"I don't know. Two- no, three- hours a night?"
"Including weekends?"
"No," Lily said, her foot tapping. "Merlin, I wish it was just a few hours then. No, I get up for Quidditch practice- or a game, depending on the day- play until lunch, and then it's off to the library until supper, then back until curfew. Sometimes- sometimes we don't even leave the dorm, to be honest. We have Dobby bring us food, and we just stay in and try to use the extra time to finish everything."
"I see," Maraktis said, writing again. "I won't even begin to tally all that. The number is already worrying enough as it is."
Lily couldn't help it; a little laugh escaped her lips at that. "Tell me about it."
"Do you ever get any time to yourself?" Maraktis said.
"I jog for an hour every night," Lily said, thinking for a bit. "Or lift weights, now, since Sirius bought me a set. Or- well, I did. I- I haven't had much time for it."
"No, I'd imagine you wouldn't," Maraktis said, perching his hands together. "Is that it?"
"I- err- also take a bath for an hour. Then it's back to homework."
"An hour long bath?" Maraktis said, raising an eyebrow. "Can't be good for your skin, can it?"
"It's fine," Lily said, rolling her eyes. "I make this little cream that keeps it from getting- look, it doesn't matter, I'm not cutting down on them, even if Hermione keeps complaining about me hogging the bathroom."
"Why is that?"
"Because- I don't know. I just don't want to."
"Try to explain it," Maraktis said. "Take as much time as you need."
"It's just-" Lily said, running a hand through her hair again, foot tapping faster. "It- It feels like it's the only time I actually get to myself, you know?"
"No."
"For just one hour, I don't have to talk to anybody," Lily said. "For one hour, I don't have to think about homework, I don't have to listen to anybody nagging me about homework, I don't have to worry about the papers hating me, I don't have to worry about anything. I can just lay back, close my eyes, and rest."
"So, you take a nap during them, then?"
"Sometimes," Lily said with a shrug. "Sometimes I'll take a book in with me, float it above me, and just- just read for a bit. I don't know, it's nice."
"So," Maraktis said, laying his quill down on his side table. "It's evident to me that you treasure this alone time greatly. Is that correct?"
"Yes," Lily said, shuffling her feet.
"Is there anything else you like to do?"
"Well, I- I like to paint and draw," Lily said, crossing her legs and tucking her feet under herself, hands resting together in her lap where she could bounce them. "Haven't gotten to do that in ages, though."
"Well, what's stopping you?"
Lily just gestured to the room around her- the whole house, really.
"I was going to do some over Easter," she said, "but, now, I'm supposed to spend that studying, too. Where am I supposed to find the time?"
"Make the time," Maraktis said. "Exploring your hobbies is very important, Lily. You should be focusing on them, instead of spending eighty hours a week on your schoolwork."
"But if I don't, then-"
"Then nothing," Maraktis said, flipping his book open to a blank page. "I'm going to write you a prescription. 'Two weeks off with no work.' Scratch that- I'll make it three."
"Really?" Lily asked, blinking slowly.
"Really," Maraktis said, tearing the page from his notebook and handing it straight to her. "I just want you to promise me one thing."
"Err- what?" Lily said, taking the paper as if it was a great treasure.
"Don't let anybody else tell you what to do with it," Maraktis said. "Do what you want to do. If you want to paint, paint. If you want to spend the whole thing sleeping as much as humanly possible- great, do that, too. You don't even have to bathe- although I think you should, both because its hygienic, and because you enjoy it."
"Alright," Lily said, studying the thin sheet in her hand. Maraktis's handwriting was small, sharp, and neat.
"You deserve time to yourself," Maraktis said, checking his watch. "We'll call it here, for tonight. Tomorrow, there's something else I want to go over with you. For now, I'd like to leave you a bit of homework," Maraktis added, chuckling at his little joke. "As well as some general advice I think would help you."
"Alright," Lily said, honestly quite willing to listen to anything he had to say at the moment.
"First," Maraktis said, holding up his finger. "Do yourself a favour: take your baths, and make them as long as you want. Don't let anybody else tell you otherwise. Got it?"
"Alright," Lily said, nodding along.
"Second," Maraktis said, holding up another finger. "I don't want to tell you to abandon your studies- far from it- but you need to prioritize yourself first and foremost."
"What do you mean?"
"Stop killing yourself over all this rubbish," Maraktis said, tapping his notebook again. "Drop one of your classes, at least. I recommend Ancient Runes, it's worthless outside of a career in Cursebreaking, no matter what others tell you, and it'll go a long ways to reducing your workload."
"Alright," Lily said, nodding with a bit more enthusiasm. "Can I drop History, too?"
"No. Nice try."
"Worth a shot."
"Third," another finger raised, "Keep up your exercises- increase them, even, they're very good for one's mental health in addition to the physical- but make a little change to them."
"Like what?" Lily asked.
"Don't do them alone," Maraktis said. "From everything you've told me, I've got the impression that you like being around others- outside your baths, of course- is that correct?"
"Yes?" Lily said. She supposed it was true enough, depending on the who.
"So, find someone to do them with you," Maraktis said. "If they can't keep up, you can even try combining them with your studies. Perhaps have someone quiz you while you're lifting weights? I'm sure Sirius would be more than willing to join you."
"Alright," Lily said, shrugging. "Worth a shot, I guess."
"Fourth," Maraktis said, "if you feel you're getting too stressed out- and, believe me, you are- cut back on your studies and do something fun. You're just a teenager. Killing yourself with work can wait until you're older. Go flying, go kiss some girls, go out dancing, have a drink or two or three, and have fun."
Lily didn't say anything to that, but it sounded awfully tempting.
"Fifth," Maraktis, "and you can consider this one another prescription: I want you to sleep, and I want you to sleep regularly. You spend far too much time working. No more studying after your baths, alright? I want you to go straight to bed, while all your muscles are relaxed, and while there's the least bit of tension in you. Take a Sleeping Potion, if you need to, just while you adjust to the new time. Got it?"
"Alright," Lily said, suddenly very aware of how heavy her eyes were.
"Sixth," Maraktis said, having to move to the other hand, "no more staying in bed all day. A little counterproductive, and, yes- I know I just said you could if you wanted, but I'm not asking for much. It'll be hard, but try to get up and do one thing per day, even if it's just bathing regularly. Alright?"
"Alright," Lily said, letting out another nervous laugh. "I'm sure I smell like a troll."
"Just a bit," Maraktis said with a wink, rising from his comfy looking seat. "Well, that's it for the orders. This last bit is just a favour. If it's too much for you, it can wait."
"What is it?"
"You've got too much pent up in you," Maraktis said, gesturing to her entire self. "We've got a few more meetings before your little break, but when we resume after- I want you to have something ready for me."
"What?"
"A rant," Maraktis said. "You're angry- I can tell- and that's all a normal part of being a teenager, too. It just comes with the territory. Your problem- is that you don't have healthy way of getting it out."
"I- err-"
"You've been breaking things in that little Secret Chamber of yours, I know," Maraktis said, finishing the statement for her. "The portraits tell Dumbledore every time you go, and they've been able to hear you whenever somebody else opens the door to join. I know it must feel good, Lily- but it's not healthy. This'll be much better for you."
"I still don't get it," Lily said slowly.
"It's easy," Maraktis said, squatting slightly and putting a hand on her shoulder. "Whatever you want to talk about- you don't even really have to think about it. It can even be spur of the moment. I just want you to pick something and shout out every little frustration you have with it. Alright?"
"I- I don't-"
"For instance," Maraktis said, standing up to full height. "You've been having a hard time in Quidditch, lately. If you want to call your Captain a slimy git, you go right ahead. I just want you to be able to get your anger out in a less destructive manner- whatever you say will stay with me. Alright?"
"Alright," Lily said, nodding along reluctantly.
Taking the suggestions to heart, Lily dragged Sirius out for a run that very night (bundled in heavier clothes than normal to protect from the cold London evening). She wasn't quite up to snuff herself, since it'd been a while, but Sirius was really lagging behind. He was being a good sport about it, at least. Despite the fact that he was clearly dying, he didn't complain a single time.
"Same time tomorrow?" Lily asked, jogging right up to the front door while Sirius leaned against his own knees to breath heavily.
"Merlin," Sirius said. Lily took that as a 'yes' and pushed the front door open, happily hopping inside, where she kept jogging in place while Sirius meandered his way towards her.
"You'll be fine," Lily said, rolling her eyes and patting him on the shoulder.
"I think I might be getting old."
"I thought I saw some gray hairs."
"No!" Sirius said, head snapping towards her in horror.
"I'm joking."
"Right," Sirius said, hobbling over towards the sitting room. "I think I'll have a shower before you hog the bath for the rest of the night."
Lily did take her sweet time in the bath once Sirius was done, and once she was finished, she spent another ten minutes in front of the mirror, both trying to get it to talk to her again as well as adjusting her appearance once that failed. She thought the short hair was cute and all, but she also missed it being longer. For now, she lengthened it down to her shoulders, making it nice and curly, and then left the room wearing a fresh t-shirt and trousers. She had her hand on the railing when she reconsidered and turned to face Sirius, who was sitting on the couch and staring at nothing in particular (Lily almost thought he was asleep when she emerged, except for when he let out a little sigh).
"Do you want to watch a movie?" she asked, hand still on the banister just in case he said 'no.' Immediately, his eyes flew open, a smile came across his face, and he hopped up from his seat.
"I'll get some takeaway," he said, heading for the hallway. "Why don't you see if you can get that bloody box working? It's far beyond me."
Unfortunately, while Sirius did get a VHS player from the Grangers, he did not get any tapesto go with the stupid thing. While Sirius picked up their food from a local place, Lily went just a few doors down to a video rental. She got fooled into making a membership with them, but it was only a couple pounds a month. What took her far longer (not helped along at all by Sirius waiting for her outside the storefront, holding up a bag of Thai to tease her) was picking a movie.
She was about to just grab one at random when she came across a very familiar cover. She picked it up without even thinking about it, really, and before she even knew what she was doing. The redheaded mermaid was sitting on a rock, facing towards a black haired man on her right, a great, bearded man in the back, a portly, purple skinned hag on the other side, with a great, yellow castle in the background. Lily ran a thumb over the mermaid's tail and smiled before grabbing a copy.
Sirius gave her a strange look when she started crying during what was clearly a children's film, but he didn't say a single thing. He just slung an arm over her shoulder while she got it all out of her system.
"You cried over- I'm sorry, what was it?" Maraktis asked during their next session.
"The Little Mermaid," Lily said, sniffing and rubbing at her eyes at just the memory of it.
"And this is- you called it a 'move-vee'?"
"Movie," Lily said, clearing her throat and trying to compose yourself. "I don't know, it just- it all came out before I could stop it."
"Well, why is that, do you think?" Maraktis said, scribbling away in his journal.
"I don't know, it's just- I grew up always wanting to watch it, but- err-"
"Go on," Maraktis urged.
"My aunt wouldn't let me," Lily finished. "And, no, I don't want to get into that, thank you. Maybe later."
"And why did you want to watch it?"
"Well, it's just- it's stupid."
"No, it isn't. How you feel is never stupid."
"It's just a cartoon," Lily said, still looking away and scratching at her nose. "I'm too old for that rubbish, and I shouldn't have picked it, and I definitely shouldn't have been crying about it when it's not even sad."
"Hazel," Maraktis said, giving her that look again. "You're trying to get off the topic. Face this feeling, don't run from it. Why were you so desperate to watch this- err- 'movie?'"
Lily nodded, chewing on her bottom lip.
"Go on. You can do it."
"I just- Dudley was allowed to," Lily said, letting out a sigh of frustration. "He didn't even like it. He kept it on the bottom shelf, buried under all his other junk, and- and I don't know. It was like- like it was calling to me."
"Err- this was a Muggle artifact, correct? Not an enchanted or cursed one?"
"Right," Lily said, letting out a nervous laugh. "It wasn't actually calling to me, it was just- I needed to watch it. It felt like- like everything would be alright if I did."
"Why?"
"Because she looked like me," Lily said, staring down at her lap, at her fiddling hands. "The main character. Ariel."
"She did?"
Lily nodded excitedly.
"I heard the other girls talking about it all the time," Lily continued unasked. "They all loved it. Loved her. I mean, she was a- a princess. I just-" Lily motioned with her hands as if that would help her find the words. "I thought that- that if they could love her, then- well-"
"That they could love you?" Maraktis finished after she lost her voice. Lily nodded along with it.
"Only," she continued, "I couldn't watch it, Petunia wouldn't let me, so- so I didn't know how I was supposed to act. I didn't know how to be like her."
"Petunia was your aunt?" Maraktis asked, writing when Lily nodded. "And Dudley was your?"
"Cousin," Lily said quietly.
"I don't believe you've mentioned them before," Maraktis said, nodding and writing.
"I- err- don't like talking about them," Lily said, awkwardly rubbing at the back of her head. "It's just- well- I needed this particular thing off my chest."
"Do you feel better?" Maraktis asked, looking at her kindly.
"Yes," Lily said, smiling slightly. She felt much better actually.
"Then I won't press the issue," Maraktis said, closing his journal. "I'd like to discuss your childhood in further detail, but I'll leave it to you to decide when. You've made a lot of progress today, Hazel. Why don't we call it early? You deserve a break."
"We have another hour," Lily asked, her brow crinkling.
"Yes," Maraktis agreed with a shrug, "but it's good to take a break, at times. You have a lot riding on your shoulders- far more than any girl your age should. We can tackle more of it later. I think getting a bite to eat with your godfather will do you better, right now."
"What? But I'm not- err-"
"Your stomach has been growling for the past half hour," Maraktis said with a kind smile. "Go. You deserve a nice meal. We'll talk again soon."
"I'm starting to think we eat too much takeaway," Sirius said, sitting next to her on the couch, his container of food in hand.
"Oh, shut up and start the movie," Lily said, rolling her eyes and slurping up her noodles.
"I've got to stop letting you pick these," Sirius said, sighing as the movie started up. "Just promise me you won't sing along with this one."
"How am I supposed to do that when I've never seen it?"
"Lily, the last one you kept rewinding every song until you had them memorized!"
"Fine," Lily said, rolling her eyes again. "I'll save that for after you're done."
Sirius might have complained, but he didn't stop her from renting another musical the next night (although this one wasn't animated, as she was forced to compromise). She wasn't as happy the night after, as Ashley was joining them for supper, but she suffered through the meal without a single snide comment sent the woman's way.
"What are we watching?" Ashley asked as they left the house, heading for their usual shop, holding hands and standing close with Sirius.
"Who knows?" Sirius said with a little sigh. "Knowing Lily, it'll be another musical. I swear, I've been going mad, with her playing the same stuff over and over and over again."
"Oh, I love musicals!" Ashley said, earning a quick glance from Lily.
"You do?" she said, trying to keep her tone cool and uncaring. "What's your favourite?"
"Oh, I'll show you," Ashley said, winking at her. "You'll love it."
Lily scoffed and crossed her arms, sure it'd be complete rubbish.
"I'm losing my mind," Sirius said, staring into space, straight ahead, with a vacant, glassy expression, the fourth time the film was rewound to the first song.
"Oh, shut up," Ashley said, laughing as she spun Lily around, the two girls doing their best to match the dancing of the stars on screen, belting out the lyrics together.
Lily was still singing by herself as Ashley was leaving, rewinding the film back to the first song. Sirius came back into the room, plopping himself back into his seat, while Lily kept practicing the dance, trying to get it just perfect.
"So," Sirius said. "You werehaving a lot of fun. This mean you're coming around on Ashley?"
"I think I might be in love with her, actually," Lily said, collapsing back onto the couch and snuggling into Sirius's shoulder.
Sirius snorted. "Sorry, Lily, but I think she might be a bit too old for you."
"We can make it work."
"Nah, better not," Sirius said, sniffing. "Heard she's already got a boyfriend- big bloke, too. Real mean."
"I think I could take him."
"Well, sure, but that'd really hurt his confidence. Best to just let him have this one."
"Say," Lily said slowly after a few scenes had passed. "Can I ask you something?"
"Well, that depends on whether it's about getting me to dance with you," Sirius said. "Go ahead, Lily. You know you can."
"Well- it's just- do you remember what you told me after the World Cup?"
"You mean before or after I'd had that bottle of scotch?"
"After, I suppose," Lily said, thinking for a moment. "I don't remember you having more, anyway."
"I remember enough," Sirius said. "Not everything, mind you, but that's hard to do when you're about fifty feet off the trolley. What was it?"
"It was when you were trying to tell me it's alright to like girls," Lily said slowly. "You- err- you said you 'understood better than I could possibly understand.'"
"Oh," Sirius said, shifting uncomfortably. "Right. That."
"But then you started dating her," Lily said, not as over it as she supposed she was.
"Well- you have to understand, Lily," Sirius said slowly, "I- I didn't mean I exclusively understood."
"Come again?"
"Merlin, where's a drink when you need one? What I was getting at was- well- I suppose I fancy both, really."
"Oh," Lily said, going silent and having a little think on it.
"It's just hard to find a bloke when you are a bloke," Sirius said. "You get it, I'm sure. Back at school, if someone knew how I felt- odds were good they'd sooner curse me than consider it."
"Alright," Lily said, nodding slowly.
"And don't go telling anybody my little secret," Sirius said, pulling her a little closer. "Only your parents knew about it. Well- and Remus, too, I suppose, but he only found out my first night out of Azkaban when I had a few too many and- well, let's just say it didn't go particularly well."
"Is that why he doesn't live here anymore?"
"Course not," Sirius said, snorting. "He wouldn't hold something like that against me- 'sides, he's caught me doing much worse. No, he's just trying to sort out his own issues, Lily. It's not easy being a werewolf, especially with the Ministry cracking down on them. I promise you- another month or two, and if he isn't back to normal, I'll drag him over here myself. Supposed to meet with him this weekend, too- there's only so much self-righteous moping I can stand, so it's time to get him back out there."
"Alright," Lily said, nodding again. "I'll hold you to it."
Her success seemed to have emboldened Ashley Smith, as the next day, the last Saturday before Easter break, she showed up with an entire stack of musicals for the two of them to watch together.
"Consider it a girl's night in," Ashley said, winking at her as she sent Sirius outside. "No boys allowed."
"It's my house," Sirius grumbled, standing on the porch.
"Sorry, I don't make the rules!" Ashley said. "Have fun, and remember, don't come back until late! We have a lot of movies to get through!"
"But-"
"Have a good day!" Ashley said, closing the door slowly. "I love you!"
"I love you, too," Sirius said with a little sigh as the door closed fully.
"Now!" Ashley said, clapping her hands and turning back to Lily, her false leg making a loud thunk on the wood (Sirius insisted on no shoes indoors, but he could only really enforce it when there wasn't an Order meeting going on). "What do you say we make something to eat, hmm?"
"We're not going to order something?" Lily asked, watching Ashley proceed to the kitchen.
"The two of you have ordered out enough, thank you," Ashley said, disappearing around the corner and raising her voice so Lily could still hear. "I thought it'd be fun to do this together. Want to learn how to make a shepherd's pie?"
"I know how to make one," Lily said, following her into the kitchen.
"Good!" Ashley said, tossing her an apron the instant she rounded the corner. "Because I don't."
It took a lot longer to finish the meal than Lily would have liked, mostly because Lily had to spend the time correcting everything Ashley tried to do, but she had far more fun than she expected to. Lily talked her into making steak and kidney rather than shepherd's, as she was, personally, craving the pastry over the potato. That meant they had to get their hands dirty, and Lily laughed each time Ashley came away with the oddest shaped pies she'd ever seen. The other woman took it all in good humour, and Lily happily ate the misshapen lumps over her own perfect ones (they didn't have something big enough for one pie, but they did have the resources to make several small ones).
Afterwards, they finally got started on their movie marathon, managing to make it through a full five movies (with a small break for more pie) before Ashley finally fell asleep a quarter of the way through movie number six. Lily rolled her eyes, turned the movie off, tucked Ashley under a blanket, set a cushion under her head, and then snuck off to take a late bath before bed.
She was sitting on her mattress, a towel wrapped around her hair, reading a book in her pyjamas when there came a soft knocking at her door.
"You still up?" Sirius asked, poking his head inside, words just slightly slurred.
"Obviously," Lily said, rolling her eyes and holding up her book.
"Don't stay up too late," Sirius said, pushing his way in.
"Did you need something?" Lily asked, furrowing her brow at him. "I'm in the middle of something, here."
"Just this," Sirius said, tossing her a small, reflecting object. Lily snatched the mirror out of the air with one hand, then raised an eyebrow at him. "A certain someone has been asking for you. Promised I'd hand it off as soon as I got back."
"Who?" Lily asked, glancing down at the mirror in confusion.
"Give you one guess," Sirius said, winking and opening the door behind him. "Please don't stay up too late. Good night."
"Night," Lily said, the door clicking shut. Her face scrunched together as she considered her options. She was certain her mirror had been in her trunk before she left, but, now that she thought about it, she'd never checked to make sure it was still there. There was only one person it could be, really.
"Hermione."
"There you are!" Hermione said, appearing and piping up immediately, her face beaming and filled with relief. "Merlin, this is brilliant- I've got a big surprise for you! You're going to love it!"