Valentine cradled her left arm against her stomach. Every turn, every jolt of the bus made it burn.
It's what I deserve.
An image flashed across her mind. Pain. Not hers, but the pain in Liam's. It was seared into the back of her eyelids, so even when she shut them she still saw it. She saw his unfallen tears and the way he stood before her willing to give her the world. And she saw the mirror coming off the wall and shattering like her self control.
She saw the glass carving though her pale flesh and the blood immediately rising from her open veins. She saw the narrow streets of Diagon Alley and her own hands grasping a coat and dark scarf from a place she didn't exactly recall. Now she saw everything tinted in grey and slightly blurred.
She'd tied the scarf around her injured arm to stop the bleeding, but judging by the weightlessness in her head, she'd lost a lot of blood regardless. She looked at her reflection in the window. She couldn't tell if she was any paler than normal, but by the startled look the bus driver had given her when she boarded, she thought she might have appeared rather sickly. Though she took the fact that she was still able to physically support herself as a good sign, even if she struggled to focus her sight on any one certain thing. Beggars couldn't be choosers after all. Especially choosers who broke their friend's hearts as mercilessly as she had.
The bus rolled to a stop and Valentine grabbed the seat in front of her, needing the extra help to steady herself. It felt as if she didn't even have knees and she wobbled slightly on her way down to the front of the bus.
She'd been lucky that there were only a few other passengers and all of whom had minded their own business. Despite that, she stuck the hand of her injured arm in the coat pocket, not wanting anyone to see the dried blood.
She stepped out onto the misty street and didn't bother to look around as she headed off in her desired direction. The narrow lanes of houses were as dull and lifeless as ever. Valentine had never felt akin with a group of buildings before now. It seemed there was a first for everything.
She paused at the familiar doorstep and glanced down the empty street. Several houses away an elderly lady stepped out and headed in the opposite direction, not noticing Valentine at all.
She knocked with her uninjured hand, hating how it much effort it took.
No answer.
Please. Please, something go right today and open.
She knocked again, firmer this time.
A moment passed and before she could start kicking the door- which she was fully prepared to bolster all her energy in the act of- it opened.
When Snape saw her standing there he didn't bother with a greeting or anything other than an annoyed expression. He just moved to shut the door on her like she wasn't even there.
Valentine's injured hand flew out of her pocket, catching the edge of the door before it could close.
Snape opened his mouth, likely readying a viperous insult when his gaze fell on her hand and what was obviously dry blood and a lot of it. His eyes coloured with something akin to surprise and then concern. He swiftly took in her dishevelled appearance. Her coat was several sizes too big- clearly not made for her- and through the curls hanging low over her face like the branches of a willlow tree, he could see her bright eyes were somewhat glazed over.
Snape wasted no more time opening the door the rest of the way and dragging her inside. He slammed the door behind them and then shoved her towards the small kitchen.
"What have you done now, Lestrange?" He demanded. "Show me."
Valentine hesitated for a second, realising that she would have to explain exactly how this had happened and that she had done it to herself.
"Well? I can never get you to shut up at any other time but now you decide to stay quiet?" It must have seemed to be such a bizzare situation from his perspective. When was Valentine Lestrange ever at a loss for words?
When she just glared at him with what little energy she had, he grabbed her injured arm before she could move away and ripped back the sleeve without ceremony.
Valentine gritted her teeth at the sudden pain. His glare darkened but she couldn't read his expression. There was certainly one there but she found there were no adequate words for it.
She forced herself to exhale and attempted to slap his hands away.
"I need to see it." He hissed as though that wasn't obvious.
She shrugged off the coat herself, threw it on the kitchen bench and then she started unravelling the scarf with more care then Snape would have ever bothered to have. Each layer removed proved to be darker and heavier than the last. When she reached the final layer, the parts of the material and loose threading that had gotten stuck to the open wound, tugging on the inflamed skin. Almost immediately blood began to trickle steadily from the cut at the disturbance, coating the dried flecks anew with bright red.
Snape grabbed her arm again, none too gently. Ignoring her pained grunt, he pulled her over to the sink.
For a moment the two watched in silence as the blood dripped off her arm and into the sink. The cut stretched from near the crook of her elbow to her wrist, jaggedly opening her arm in a diagonal war path. Even now, Valentine could only vaguely remember how she had forced the glass though the muscle and veins.
Then Snape brought forth his wand and waved it over the injury.
"Vulnera Sanentur." He murmured lowly and as he did, the blood seemed to retreat back into her arm. Droplets from the sink lifted and slid back against her skin. "Vulnera Sanentur."
He repeated the spell until only the dry blood remained and the gash itself began to knit back together, flesh and skin and all. Eventually, only a long pale pink cut remained, nothing compared to the gully she'd carved.
"I've never heard that spell before." She said.
"I used it to heal your bite after you retrieved the giant's blood." said Snape. "You were too busy complaining to Dumbledore about being, as you put it, 'literally in the jaws of a lunatic' to notice apparently."
"Oh."
That sounds about right.
Snape turned the faucet on and when the water hit her arm it felt raw and tender, but the pain was manageable. She watched the water turn brown as the blood slowly began to wash away.
"Liam's in love with me." She said, observing how the water swirled.
"Congratulations. Did you figure that out all yourself?" Snape snorted.
Her head snapped up at his reply, it made her feel a little light-headed but she was more alert than she'd been in the whole last hour.
What?
"Unbelievable." Snape stared at her in disbelief, recognising the look on her face. "Did you really not know?"
"No! I didn't!" Valentine growled, annoyed and honestly quite mortified that he'd seen what she hadn't. "I thought he liked Jane Philips!"
"Astounding." He muttered, a smirk creeping onto his face. "The great child prodigy, Valentine Lestrange, can't tell when a boy likes her."
"Oh, shut the fuck up! I've been a little preoccupied, you know? I've had a thing or two going on lately that's kept me busy!"
"Lestrange! Watch your language..." He scolded her with genuine surprise at her coarse words. His face the twisted into a revolted grimace. "But as for Highcourt; How could you really not know? Even a blind man could see his disgusting affections for you."
"Well, I didn't! Romance and feelings and confessions aren't exactly my area of expertise!"
"Clearly. Am I to assume that Highcourt attacked you in a fit of rage at being rejected?"
"He didn't attack me!" Valentine stared at him incredulously. Liam would have never done a thing like that to her or anyone, rejection or not.
"Oh, then you inflicted it yourself?" Snape drawled sarcastically, rolling his eyes. Valentine blinked up at him, unsure of how to respond to that. It took a moment for Snape to comprehend her silence. Then his smugness disappeared and was replaced with confusion. "Have you completely lost all sense?"
"I panicked! Okay? He confessed and I was caught off guard and I told him he should have been talking to Jane Philips instead."
"And hurting yourself was the next logical step after that?" Snape stared at her in utter bewilderment.
"I never said it was logical, did I!? Valentine turned off the tap, an excuse to turn away from him. "I didn't even know that I had done it until it was already over. Liam left and I just- you know, broke a mirror on the wall and cut my arm open. Fairly certain I scared the crap out of the maid too." She glared down at the injury when a wave of shame suddenly hit her. Then she'd remembered that she deserved the pain.
"You need to learn some self-control before you do more than cut your arm!" Snape hissed. "You're lucky you didn't bleed out!"
"It's...it's happened before as well." Valentine looked back up at Snape, as if looking for some kind of answer. "Last year. After Olivia died and Leah was in mourning. I was so angry with myself for not being able to help at all over the summer that I put my hand through a window. I didn't realise what was happening until I'd already done it. I just- did it. I was angry and punched the window and put my hand right through it. I never even figured out why because it was right before the Quidditch World Cup and then the school term started and it just wasn't important anymore."
Snape frowned at her deeply. For a second she'd thought he looked truly troubled by her words and certainly like he would say, something an insult at the very least, but then he just turned on his heel and headed into the front room without a word.
Valentine sighed and leaned back against the kitchen bench with a slump. She shut her eyes for a moment, the room spinning slightly around her at the movement. She made sure she had a firm grip on the bench in case her knees ran away without her.
She stood there for several minutes until she felt steady again and then dragged her feet over to the old refrigerator. She needed to eat something before the blood loss got the better of her. She yanked open the door and frowned at the contents, or rather lack thereof.
Doesn't he eat?
There was a small jar of jam so she grabbed it and shut the door. Then she rummaged through the drawers near the sink until she found a spoon and proceeded to eat the spread straight from the jar.
She wandered into the front room, now more interested in the sweet stickiness than anything else.
"I never said you could help yourself, Lestrange." Snape eyed the jar in irritation. He was standing by the fireplace, not doing much of anything other than being a grump.
"I just bled out. A lot. And unless you want me unconscious on your floor..."
"It'd be easy enough to toss you back out into the street." Snape said, crossing his arms almost like he was pondering doing just that.
"Oh, calm down." She licked the spoon clean, unconcerned by his threat. "I'll replace your precious preservative. And by the way, you should probably get more food in general."
"I find it deters unwanted pests." Snape said pointedly.
"You're hilarious. Tell me another."
Snape growled like he was already exhausted from dealing with her even for just a few minutes.
"Weren't you going to pass out or something?"
"Still might." Valentine shrugged, casually walking across the room and sitting in a chair at a small table by the window. "My legs keep going weak, but I think the sugar is helping."
Snape chanced a glance over at her as she was taking another large scoop from the jar. He rolled his eyes and moved over to the old, worn armchair. He picked up a book and sat.
Valentine continued to eat and it didn't take her long to finish it off completely.
"Fuck." She frowned, peering into the empty jar.
"Language!" Snape snarled, again in disbelief. "I am still your teacher."
"It's summer. You're off duty." She brushed him off. "How does what language I use concern you?"
"It's vulgar."
"It's a combination of sounds used to form words. It's called speaking. I think you'll find a lot of people do it." Before he could snap back at her, Valentine stood and headed back into the kitchen, putting the now empty jar in the sink.
"You can leave anytime now." He prompted, following her. "You know where the door is."
"You really have no people skills, do you?"
"None whatsoever. Now get out of my house."
"Fine, fine." Valentine waved him off, grabbing the coat she'd arrived in as she stepped out from the kitchen and headed over to the door. "It's not like your sparkling hospitality is keeping me here."
"And by leave I mean go back to Malfoy Manor." Snape added before she could bid him goodbye in her usual sarcastic manner. "No more skulking around Muggle towns."
"I'd hardly call it skulking. That's more your forte, Professor."
"I'm serious, Lestrange."
"And I appreciate your concern." She said in all seriousness. "And the fact that you patched me up and the fact that you saved my life. But I'm going to completely ignore your advice nonetheless."
--Pretending To Live--
For the second time that day, Valentine stepped up to a door and knocked. Unlike the first time, it was obvious that there was living breathing life behind it. The music was loud and the laughter was familiar. Snape could have died in his own home and nobody would have ever known with how deathly quiet he was.
When no one answered, she knocked again, deciding they must not have been able to hear her over what was definitely Del singing at the top of her lungs.
"Hey, kid!"
Valentine turned to the person approaching her from the other end of the hall. He was dressed all in black with a dragon tattoo wound around his right forearm and a packet of cigarettes in one hand.
"Oh, hi Bobby." She blinked.
"Wow, calm down there. Don't get so excited to see me." He laughed. Adjusting the plastic bag slung over his shoulder. "What's up?"
"Just thought I'd drop by."
"Sweet." He grinned and opened the door. Strolling in causally, he nodded for her to follow and shouted to be heard over the music. "Oi, fuckers! Guess who's here!"
A bright red high heel came flying across the room and Bobby narrowly ducked out of the path of it.
"Ha, you missed." He stuck his finger up at Zoe, who was scowling at him from the couch. In his triumph, he turned to enter the kitchen and walked right into Axel's chest. "Yo-"
Axel's hand was already en route before Bobby could even plead his case. Axel slapped him up the side of the head. Hard.
"Ouch!"
"Don't swear in front of her!"
"It slipped, okay!" Bobby rubbed at his ear.
Valentine rolled her eyes. It really didn't bother her to hear any of them swear. There were a lot of worse things to be said than expletives.
Bobby shouldered past the taller man, mumbling bitterly to himself as he disappeared into the kitchen.
"Back again?" Axel smiled down at Valentine, threatening demeanour completely gone. He moved over to a boxy black device Valentine had learnt was a CD player and turned the music down so they wouldn't have to shout.
"I was in the area." She replied.
"Do I hear my favourite person?" Del stuck her head out from the bedroom she and Zoe shared. Her bright pink hair was sticking up at strange angles, almost like she'd been electrified.
"I thought you and Parker were taking a nap?" Zoe turned around on the couch to face her.
"He moves around too much." Del whined, stretching her arms above her and yawning.
"Like you can talk." Zoe frowned. "You snore like a steam train."
"Do not!"
"As the person who sleeps right next to you and has so for years, yes. You totally do."
"How in the world could you sleep with music that loud anyway?" Valentine arched a brow, taking a seat on the couch.
"It's soothing." Del shrugged, Zoe's barb forgotten as she dashed across the room to kiss the top of Valentine's head.
"So, how have you been?" asked Zoe.
"Well, I just woke up so-"
"Not you!" Zoe cut Del off. "Val."
"Oh. That makes more sense."
"Decent." Valentine answered.
"Everything all good at home?" Axel prompted gently, still standing by the kitchen entryway.
"Yes, everything's fine."
"Just let her live, Axe." Del stuck out her tongue at him.
"I'll cut it off, Del." Axel raised both eyebrows at her, completely serious. "Don't think I won't."
Del slapped both hands over the mouth with a muffled yelp.
"You're the oldest six-year-old I've ever met." Axel wore a barely noticeable smile as he crossed his arms and leaned back against the wall.
Del gave an unrecognisable mumble of words from behind her hands. She was clearly offended and attempting to rebuke him.
It reminded Valentine of Leah trying to argue with food in her mouth.
"Just sit down, Del." Zoe sighed, clearly done with the whole situation.
Del dropped her hands, scowling at Axel, but sitting down beside Zoe anyway and slinging her legs over the other girl's lap.
Valentine had observed their relationship over the brief time she'd known them. She was honestly just as unversed in same-sex couples as she was of ones of the opposite sex. Especially ones so openly affectionate. All her past experiences with romantic relationships as a whole strayed no further that of Narcissa and Lucius- which was dubious at the best of times-, Leah and Blaze- which still made absolutely no sense to her- and Rose and William Lovat, who had always gotten along just fine from what she saw but were far from being as publicly affectionate as Del and Zoe always seemed to be- likely down to their strict upbringings more than anything.
When it came specifically to things such as same-sex relationships, her only connection that she could immediately think of was Liam's liking of both men and women. Having only known three real relationships as a whole, she didn't think it was that strange to have such little experience.
The Wizarding World had never quite carried the stigma of these people who preferred those of the same sex in any capacity. They'd always been there after all, as long as magic and mankind had been and such preferences were even found amongst animals, magical and non-magical alike. She had been taught during Muggle Studies however that many Muggles did not feel the same and that it often originated from their religious stance, something which had never had any bearings amongst witches and wizards.
Terms like gay and lesbian were rarely even used in magical communities as there had never been a need to create the distinction between them and any person a Muggle would call 'straight'. These people simply existed as anyone else did. The only concerns ever raised in this area were, predictably, born of the more prestigious, upper-class families.
She was fairly certain that it was all because of bloodlines. If Draco was only interested in men for instance, then it could be difficult to carry on Malfoy bloodline seeing how he wouldn't be able to have biological children, which would not be ideal. The same went for any of them. Liam, Blaze and Leah. If they could not produce heirs, things could get very complicated depending on what level of snob the family was settled at. She knew that if Draco had no interest in a wife and children then Lucius would have been furious at the idea of his family dying out.
For Valentine, it all came down to the fact that- discounting Liam, of course- men who liked men and women who like women and those who liked both, hadn't ever had much relevance in her life. From what she could recall, Del and Zoe were the first same-sex couple she'd ever actually meet, although it was entirely possible she'd met one before and had just never realised. It wasn't lost on her just how lost she was in that area. First Leah and Blaze and then Liam. She never saw any signs that she could think of for particular affection, and now that she thought of it, she hardly knew what signs there were to look for.
She suppressed a groan. Ponderings of this kind always confused her. It was like trying to understand an ancient text written in a completely foreign language. She heard others speak it and she knew others experienced it but couldn't make any sense of it herself. And in all honesty, she had no desire to.
"Been staying out of trouble?" Zoe asked her, running her hand up and down Del's shin so casually there almost seemed no particular affection in it.
"It tends to find me." Valentine shrugged.
She felt the coat sleeve brush against the length of her injured arm when she did and was grateful for her impeccable poker face. The skin was still tender despite Snape's healing. She knew she wouldn't be able to take the coat off without someone noticing the large scar that had suddenly appeared. She wished she'd chosen to wear a dress with short sleeves that day, not that there was any way to have the foresight that this would happen. She'd never guessed for a moment that Liam had liked her as anything more than a friend.
How could he like someone like me? Or at the very least, who he thinks I am? I knew he was strange but this is too much.
Bobby came out from the kitchen, dropping a box of biscuits onto the coffee table before heading out onto the balcony with a lighter in hand.
"Oooooohhh!" Del sat up quickly, eyes sparkling.
"You've been eating junk all day." Zoe eyed her.
"I'm a growing girl!"
"You're twenty three years old, Del. You finished growing a while ago."
"Hush." Del pressed two fingers to the other woman's lip. "They're calling me."
She then snatched up the box from the table greedily.
Zoe just rolled her eyes and let her have it.
Valentine smiled at them and let herself relax back into the couch. Being with them in a hotel room in the middle of London surrounded by tattoos and piercings, cheap junk food and profanity was so removed from her regular life that it was almost therapeutic. What kind of relevance could Harry or Voldemort or secret missions have here?
"You're back to school in September, right?" Axel sat beside her and asked, stretching his long legs out under the table.
"I am."
"Well, we're actually going on tour in a week and-"
Del almost choked on a biscuit as she gasped loudly. She thudded on her chest, coughing and half choking while Zoe rubbed her back.
"Who's dying?" Parker groaned, stumbling out of Del and Zoe's room. He was shirtless, dressed in just boxer shorts and rubbing at his eyes groggily.
"Seriously, man!" Axel exclaimed, grabbed his hat off his head and quickly shoved it on Valentine's, obscuring her view.
Oh, please. He's as bad as Narcissa. It's not like he's butt naked.
She tilted the edge up so that she could still see.
"Oops." Parker yawned, slapping an arm over his chest but not seeming all that concerned.
"Parker!" Zoe scolded him.
"Put some clothes on!" Axel shouted, both he and Zoe throwing couch cushions at him.
Del, however, was cackling merrily to herself, clutching at her sides and seemingly no longer choking.
"Bobby!" Axel called out to the other man.
"What!"
"It's your turn!"
Bobby peeked his head inside the door and saw Parker standing there, still mostly asleep.
"Dude, for real?"
Bobby stubbed out his cigarette on the sole of his boot and trudged back inside. He grabbed Parker by the arm and pulled him into the other bedroom with no great measure of care.
"How is he even an adult?" Axel groaned.
"Excuse me?" Valentine cleared her voice, tapping on the rim of the hat. "This was not necessary."
"Oh, sorry about that." Axel grabbed it back.
"Kinda suited you, hun." Del considered, nodding to herself.
"I could do without it."
"That's actually normal for Parker, you know." said Del.
"Seriously?"
"Yep. The guy has this naturally crazy high body temperature so if he sleeps with all his clothes on, he just overheats. But he also can't sleep without a blanket, so he tends to strip." Del explained, crunching down on another biscuit. "He's great to have around in the winter, though."
"Well, it's certainly not winter." said Valentine. "Wouldn't it be too hot to sleep next to someone who already has such a high body temperature?"
"Meh, you get used to it." Del shrugged.
"Yeah, that and she can't sleep alone." Zoe added.
Del proceeded to almost choke again.
"It's true. Everyone's been in bed with her at least once." Bobby strolled back in, grinning.
Axel immediately shot him a warning glare at the obvious innuendo.
"You know what I mean." Bobby rolled his eyes and plopped down on the couch, worming his way between Valentine and Axel.
"I can sleep alone perfectly fine." Del muttered to herself bitterly.
"Just admit that you're afraid of the dark and have horrific nightmares all the time." Bobby snorted.
"I won't and I don't!" Delaney threw a handful of biscuits at him with no real aim.
"Oi!" Axel scolded her. "Any mess you make, you're cleaning up."
Bobby gave her a smug look and ate one of the biscuits she'd thrown that had landed on his chest.
"And don't get too cocky, mister." Axel elbowed Bobby pointedly. "We've already had one couch up in flames!"
"One time! THAT WAS ONE TIME!"
"Uh-huh. Did you get him dressed?"
"Yes, I got the giant toddler dressed." said Bobby, now equally as sulky as Del. "He fell back to sleep, but he'll probably be back up in a few."
"He's worse tired than drunk." Zoe stretched out on the couch, to lean against Del's side.
"Aren't you hot in that?" Bobby looked down at Valentine.
"No, I'm fine." She lied smoothly.
She was actually rather warm as she typically preferred cooler weather but she had her reasons. She suddenly feared he would push the issue but it was quickly forgotten.
"It's getting late." Axel nodded out the open sliding door to the steadily setting sun. "What's for dinner then?"
"I vote pizza!" Bobby and Del both immediately answered, the latter abruptly lighting up.
"Please, God no...not more pizza..." Came Parker's tired voice from the other room.
"We are not doing this four nights in a row, guys." Zoe shook her head in disapproval.
"Not pizza it is then." Axel agreed. "You want to choose, Val?"
"I'm not picky." Valentine shrugged. She wasn't even sure what food was readily available and out there in the muggle world to choose from.
"Pizzzzzaaaa..." Bobby whined but was completely ignored.
"Oh, oh! Can we get cake?" Del perked up further.
"You are not having cake for dinner." said Axel.
"What's the point of being a grown-up with money if I can't have cake whenever I want?"
"Because you need an at least somewhat balanced diet. What are you gonna do if you're passing out on stage during sets because you eat like you're a middle schooler?" Axel gave her a look which clearly said that he was right and she should be quiet.
"Zoeeeee!"
"Don't look at me. I agree with him." The woman in question looked in the other direction.
"I want rice." Parker came into the lounge room, now dressed in jeans and shirt big enough that Valentine speculated that it had belonged to Axel.
He walked sluggishly around the couch and dumped himself on top of Del and Zoe who shifted so they wouldn't be squashed. They ended up shoulder to shoulder, but not appearing overly bothered by it.
"So, rice?" Valentine prompted. She had a feeling that they'd end up on a completely different topic before too long without some reminder.
"Right. Dinner. There's a Chinese place right down the block from here." Axel stood up from his seat, as the others shouted their orders at him. "I'm gonna need help carrying that all home. You wanna come along, Val?"
"Sure." Valentine stood as well.
She didn't have any objections to it and had never even been inside a Chinese restaurant before.
"But you always take me with you!" Del pouted. "You said that I carry the food better than anyone else."
"Let someone else have a turn for once." said Axel, shrugging on his black trench coat that had been hanging by the door.
"You're such a lame dad." Bobby rolled his eyes, stretching out on the now-empty couch. "And that's coming from an actual dad."
"I'll remember that the next time you need me to open the peanut butter for you." Axel waited for Valentine to join him at the door.
Bobby stuck up his finger at the other man as he got up to grab another cigarette and Axel held the door open for Valentine.
"Be safe!" said Zoe.
"Won't be long." Axel shut the door.
"You lead the way." Valentine gestured down the hall.
--Pretending To Live--
She followed Axel down to the lobby and out onto the street. There were still people milling around, going about their business, many probably on their way home. Axel turned right and so she did the same.
"Sorry about Parker by the way." He suddenly spoke.
"You mean seeing his bare chest?" Valentine frowned, although she did find it somewhat funny that he took it so seriously. "It's fine. It's not like I haven't seen a man's chest before."
"Yeah, but still. You're just a kid, you know?"
"I'm fifteen. I can handle a little bit of skin." Valentine insisted.
"But still."
"But still? I just utterly invalidated your point."
"Alright, alright." Axel laughed in his defeat. Then he stopped and cleared his voice. "So. I know I already asked but, well...you're clearly not in a great mood..."
"I'm sorry?" Valentine almost stopped walking together.
"I could be totally wrong, but I don't know...you just...seemed kind of off tonight? A little quiet? Well, more quiet than usual." Axel chose his words carefully, speaking them with a gentle tone that reminded Valentine a little bit of Professor Dumbledore. "And I know it's annoying for me to ask over and over again, but are you okay? If something's bothering you, you can talk to any of us. The others might seem like total idiots- and they are- but they'll still listen to you."
Valentine stared at him for a moment, expressionless. She hadn't been expecting such a question. In general, people rarely questioned her at all for fear of her reaction. But Axel wasn't a part of her normal life and really didn't know much about her at all.
I'm usually so good at masking my emotions and playing a part. Maybe I let my guard down because I don't have to pretend when I'm here? Or maybe Axel is just especially astute at reading people? I hope not. I've been telling them all half-truths since the day we met.
She gave him a bittersweet smile.
"You're too nice for your own good." She said. "I hope I didn't worry you?"
"I might be just a little worried." Axel admitted. "...is something the matter then?"
Valentine didn't look at him.
I suppose I could tell him. Another half-truth can't hurt after all. It doesn't seem fair that he should have to feel such concern for me.
"I have this friend." Valentine sucked in a breath, watching the tips of her boots as they walked. "He confessed his feelings for me today. Let's just say it didn't end well."
She subconsciously laid a hand on her previously injured arm.
"Oh. Damn." Axel's jaw slackened as he searched his brain for some helpful words to use. He settled for asking for more details. "So, you, uh turned him down? Or is it something else? Like, he's already with someone? Or maybe you're with someone?"
"I turned him down." Valentine said immediately. "We've been friends for years and I never suspected that he saw me as anything more. I just don't think about those kinds of things and I don't think I could ever have romantic intentions for anyone let alone him. He told me that he wasn't mad, but it definitely hurt him."
"It's not your fault if that's what you think." said Axel.
"I know logically that's true, but emotions are far from logical." Valentine shrugged wearily. "I'll get over it quick enough. I just hope he's the same...although I didn't exactly let him down gently."
"Well, you weren't expecting it, were you?"
"Definitely not."
"And does he blame you?"
"No, he would never do that. He's too sensible to really blame anyone."
"Well, it sounds like there are worse people to turn down."
"You could say that." Valentine scoffed, thinking distantly of Nayden Andonov.
"I suppose it's a tough situation either way though." Axel nodded in understanding. "You go to school with him, don't you?"
"Yes. I can avoid him all summer if I want but we share the same friends so trying to do so at school wouldn't be worth the effort."
"It might be better that way. You'll be able to get past the awkwardness and still be friends afterwards. Some people leave it too long and lose the person altogether. It's good that you can talk about it though. A lot of the time, people bottle up their problems and that's not healthy for anyone. They have to come out eventually. You have a cousin, right? Are you guys close? Could you talk to him?"
"We are close." Valentine confirmed. "And I may tell him, but I don't know if Liam, the friend who has feelings for me, wants anyone to know that I turned him down flat. I don't want to make things worse."
"I understand that. But hey, like I said, I'm always willing to listen and so are the others. I'm sure things will work out in the end." Axel smiled warmly. "Oh. I tried to mention this earlier but was interrupted by the idiots; Next week we're going on tour. So, we're not going to be around for a few months, at least. We'll have to keep in touch. Del will throw a fit if we don't."
I'm not sure if that'll work. There's no way for your average run-of-the-mill Muggle postal service to get mail to Malfoy Manor, not to mention to do it discreetly. I don't have easy access to things like telephones either. It's...entirely possible that I might not see them again after this summer.
"Okay." Valentine settled for a smile.
She tried not to linger on the likelihood of never seeing them again.
"You will have someone to talk to when we're gone, right?" asked Axel. "I don't mean to be overbearing and I know that we only met a week ago, but we consider you a friend already."
Valentine had to think for a moment. When it came down to telling people what was happening in her life or what mess was currently going on in her head, she knew there was a very limited list of people she could disclose it to. In fact, there were only two people.
I'm sure Dumbledore would listen, but he has so many other things to worry about, even more than me. The last thing I want is to distract him with my personal problems. And then there's the old bat breath. He'd pay me all he has just to never hear my voice again. Although I could force him to listen regardless of that. Even if we don't get along, we're stuck in this together. And I certainly don't care if I'm an inconvenience to him.
"I'll be alright." said Valentine. "I can look after myself just fine. And when you come back, I'll be in just as many pieces as you left me in."
That's possibly stretching the truth given my injury track record but he doesn't need to know that.
"I'll hold you to that." Axel smiled, holding open the door of a small shop for her to enter.
--Pretending To Live--
The food had come with chopsticks, but Parker had been the only one to actually be able to effectively eat with them, so the rest of them had settled for forks and spoons.
Valentine had never had fried rice before and decided she liked it a lot.
Maybe I'll ask Dumbledore about adding this to the meals at school.
"Del!" Zoe frowned at the woman beside her. "I wanted that piece of chicken. You already have plenty."
"You can have it for a kiss." Del puckered her lips childishly.
"Fine." said Zoe.
Valentine glanced at the others but no one seemed surprised or even particularly interested in what the women were doing.
Zoe grabbed Del's shoulders and brought their faces close together. Del hadn't been expecting this reaction because she flushed bright red in embarrassment.
Zoe let her lips hover a hair's width away from Del's before snapping her head to the side and pecking her on the cheek. In Del's surprised state, Zoe grabbed her plate and took her spoils.
"H-hey!" Delaney stuttered out, still red and trembling slightly.
"You said I could have it for a kiss."
"You know that's not what I meant!"
Zoe glanced at the pink-haired girl out of the corner of her eye with a critical gaze.
"I'll kiss you when your breath doesn't smell like soy sauce."
Del slapped her hands over her mouth for the second time that day.
"You gays are so overdramatic." Bobby rolled his eyes.
"Excuse you! No generalisations if you please!" Del grabbed a chopstick off the table and flicked it at him. "Take that!"
Bobby watched uninterested as the chopstick hit his arm and fell to the floor.
"That didn't exactly prove me wrong, you know."
"Uh..." Del blinked.
"Babe, you walked face-first into that." Said Zoe.
"Yeah, Del's not a great example if you don't want people to generalise on the dramatisation of the gay community." Parker reached over Valentine to grab a drink can off the table.
"I can't help it, okay?" Delaney insisted wistfully. "The drama. It's a part of who I am. It's in my soul."
"So, do you know a lot of gay people?" Valentine suddenly asked. She found the topic interesting, as it was something she'd so rarely discussed before.
"Oh, yeah heaps!" Delaney beamed at her question. "We've all been to dozens of protests and marches. It's great, especially when there's lot's of people there!"
"Hmm. And so many exes..." Zoe added more quietly.
"Yeah, we probably know every vagina loving vagina in the city. The dating pool tends to be seriously smaller than it is for straight people." Del explained. "Everyone knows everyone's girlfriend or ex or soon-to-be girlfriend and ex. It can make things totally awkward."
"Poor lonely lesbians." Bobby sighed.
"You're both lesbians, then?" asked Valentine.
"No. And if you could forgive someone," Del gave Bobby a hard glare. "for their big bloody mouth. We're actually bisexual."
"Ah." Said Valentine.
Bisexual? What in the world does that mean?
"It's okay if you don't know what that is." Axel spoke up from her side. "None of us did until we met the girls."
"Yeah, we really only know more about this stuff than the average person because of Zoe and Del and all the Pride Marches they've taken us too." said Parker. "If your family is anything like mine, then gays and lesbians and bisexuals and everything with a rainbow slapped on it are practically taboo."
"Something like that." Said Valentine.
"Oh! Allow me to educate you hun!" Del leapt up excitedly.
"Hold on to your ass cheeks, she's at it again." Bobby said with a mouth full of pork and rice, which he then started to choke on.
Axel thumped him on the back forcefully, clearly a punishment for his language disguised as a helping hand.
"Where's she going?" Valentine watched Del crawl over the back of the couch and trip over her own feet in a rush to get into the bedroom.
"To get the book." Said Zoe.
"The book?"
"She's been carrying around this little homemade dictionary of LGBT terms since before she even came out." Zoe explained, taking Del's plate of half-finished food for herself. "It helps her keep track of everything since the more people you meet the more stuff you learn."
"I know more about drag makeup than I ever thought I would." Axel nodded in agreement.
Drag? LGBT?
Valentine masked her face with interest to hide the confusion. For someone who was so used to being the smartest person in the room, all these new terms were exceedingly foreign to her.
"But all the Queen's love you, man." Bobby grinned. "I think it's those freakishly big hands of yours."
Before Axel could throw a retort back at him, Del came bounding back into the room, vaulting over the back of the couch and half landing on Bobby's lap.
"Fucking watch it." Bobby hissed, trying not to drop his food everywhere. Axel and Zoe both shot him deadly warning glares and he immediately paled. "I, uh, I...thanks for getting me into trouble you moron."
Bobby sent a glare of his own at Del but she was too preoccupied with getting comfortable between him and Zoe.
"Okay." Del snapped open a well-loved pink notebook covered appropriately in rainbow stickers. "So, the definition of bisexual, as I have written in my good old book here, is a person who experiences attraction to both men and women."
"Okay." Valentine nodded, taking in the new information. "I assume the term is 'bisexual' because 'bi' means two and you're both attracted to more than one gender?"
"Bingo!" Del clapped her hands with bubbling excitement.
"It's not as not well known as being a lesbian or a gay man, or nearly as accepted as them, but it's what we identify with." Zoe smiled, grabbing Del's hand and pulling it into her lap.
"Before you said 'LGBT'?" asked Valentine.
"Yes." said Zoe. "It's an acronym. It stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender."
"Transgender?"
"Oh, I have so much to tell you!" Del squealed giddily, flipping her book to another page. "Transgender refers to a person who doesn't identify with the gender there were assigned to at birth. So like, if you're born with male parts but you feel like you're a girl or you were born with female parts but you feel like you're a boy then you could be transgender! Oh, and everyone used to say 'Transexual' but now most people prefer 'Transgender' instead."
"Yeah, you really shouldn't accidentally offend people in the middle of a Pride Rally to fight for their rights." Bobby muttered, a traumatised look passing over his eyes.
"You asked her if she'd gotten the 'chop'." Parker frowned at him disapprovingly. "You deserved everything you got."
"Hey! I learnt my lesson!" Bobby defended himself and took a long swing of his drink before sinking back into the couch. "She almost broke my foot when she stomped on it in those damn heels so let's say we're even?"
"Whatever helps you sleep at night." Axel snorted.
"Are those the only terms?" Valentine spoke up again, her focus still on Del's book. "Only those four others and then, well, everyone else?"
"You're such an open-minded little thing, you're making me emotional here." Del wiped away invisible tears of pride. "Of course there are other terms! That's why I have the book, so I can write down any new ones I come across. People are coming up with new words to describe themselves every day, after all, the ones that make up the LGBT acronym are just the more well-known ones. There are people who are Genderqueer because they don't fit into the standard men and women binary thingy. You got your Pansexual's who can like someone no matter what gender or orientation, which is kind of like bisexual but it's all down to which term you think fits you better. Oh! And drag queens. Drag queens are men who dress up as women and perform on stage to music and stuff. Sometimes they're gay, sometimes they're straight, but it's always fun to watch!"
Well, that's 'Drag' explained then. All these words I never even knew existed and more still coming about...it's like a whole world I never knew was there.
So...what about me?
Do I like men? Do I like women? Do I like both? Am I even a woman? I'm fairly certain I'm a woman. I've never thought anything different and I don't recall ever feeling like I was a boy. Not that I've never given much thought to any of this in the first place. I've...I don't think I've been interested in anyone, boy, girl or other. But I am only fourteen after all, who's to say I wouldn't eventually find someone I'm attracted to in ten, thirty, even fifty years? Though...I'll admit, I don't find the thought all that enticing...
There's Liam for instance...he's not an unattractive person. I think. I've certainly never given it much thought. I haven't given any of this much thought. Physical appearance and attraction...I don't think Liam's ugly in the least, but I also don't think I'm physically attracted to him. And I'm certain I'm not romantically attracted. Of that I am sure. The idea of being with someone romantically, holding hands, kissing, confessing love to one another, marriage, growing old together...that really doesn't appeal to me in the least...Which is...Well, not normal to anyone who's ever found this out about me.
"All these terms are about gender and how you're attracted to people. But..." Valentine almost stopped herself. Was this a question even worth asking? She'd never cared about this kind of thing before. Would she have though? If these terms and words were used in the Wizarding World? Would she care? "...is there a word for someone who isn't attracted to anyone at all?"
"Ah, good question." Del licked her finger and flicked through the pages of the book. "I know I put something like that down in her somewhere...it was pretty recently too...um...Yes! Here! There are two terms. There's Asexual, which is a person who doesn't experience sexual attraction and- this other one is a newer one by the way, I only put it in here like, what? Four months ago?- Anyway. Then there's Aromantic which means someone who doesn't experience romantic attraction. So like, put simply, Asexuals don't feel the need for sexy time and Aromantic's don't feel the need for romo' time."
"Nice explanation." Parker snickered.
"Why, thank you." Del stuck her tongue out at him.
Valentine could feel herself almost physically reacting to the words, or more precisely the definitions that came with them. There was definitely a familiarity here despite this being the first time she'd ever heard them. All her confusion around romance suddenly made a little bit of sense. If she couldn't even experience romance in the first place then wouldn't it be hard to understand romance like most people seem to do naturally? Did all Aromantic people have that problem?
"Isn't that what Kurt came out as?" Axel asked. "Aromantic?"
"Yep!" Del confirmed. "That's how I found out about it in the first place. He said that some Aromantic's actually want romance but they just can't feel it. And first I was like, 'that's kind of sad' but then he said that saying it's sad is like telling a lesbian you're sad that she doesn't like men, which you know, is obviously not cool. And then he said that being Aromantic gives you this really unique outlook on friendship and family love and stuff, because a lot of people think romantic love is more special or important than either of them. But are they really? I mean, that's kind of a shallow way of thinking, don't you think?"
"Yeah, I mean, for someone incapable of feeling romantic love to actually want it does seem sad at first." Said Zoe. "But telling them that isn't going to make them feel better about it. And they might not even know to feel bad about it until someone says that in the first place. That's how people start thinking there's something wrong with them and I was down that path long enough to know it's not fun."
"Oh, babe." Del pouted, squeezing her hand. "You're perfect. There's nothing wrong with you."
"Well, I know that now." Zoe laughed thinly. "But you know that for a long time I thought I was some kind of freak and that I should have chosen to love either women and men and stick to one side."
Valentine frowned.
"But why should you have to pick if you're able to be attracted to both? Who would that hurt?"
"Yes, thank you!" Del exclaimed, someone exasperated. "See, all those homophobes need is a little logic and there's no problem!"
"Right." Zoe nodded resolutely. "Anyway, I think the last thing an Aromantic person would need to be told is that their orientation was pitiful. It's no different from the people who told me that I had to choose and it can probably hurt just as much."
"It's amazing the things people will hate each other over." Axel sighed. "Still, it's good that Kurt has a term he fits now. I know he was questioning for a long time there."
"He told me that as soon as he found out what the word meant he was telling everyone about it." Del was beaming. "He said it was like someone had made the word just for him."
Made it just for him, huh?
Valentine's eyes drifted down to her lap. She knew without much liberation at all that she was not one of these particular Aromantics they had spoken of that wanted to expirence romance. If anything she was the total opposite and looking back on her entire life thus far she found that she'd always felt the same. It wasn't just Narcissa's happy fantasies of her future marriage that she rejected, it was everything. Boyfriends, girlfriends, dating, receiving any romantic attention at all. None of it appealed to her and all of it felt strange and unrelated to who she was in every way.
She'd always just assumed that it wasn't for her and moved on with her life. Was this term, Aromantic, exactly that? Was there a word for it and one that others also used to describe themselves? She suddenly longed to talk to those people. She could hardly imagine someone who fully agreed with her on the business of romance. It wasn't that other people bothered her by having a different outlook on it, but someone who agreed? Someone who wouldn't just smile and reassure her that she'd one day change he mind, that she would understand when she was older, as if what had always been a firm truth about herself was simply not who she was? Wouldn't it have been nice, at least once i her life, to have someone who felt the same because they were the same?