Author: PreppyPrincess5103
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Summary: Harm. & Mac begin their life together, while both deal with the reality of Harm's decision to resign his commission. Spoiler alert: Mac doesn't handle it very well. (Continuation of It Started in Russia, and Everything is Going to Be Okay)
Notes: Short and sweet update, because between work stuff, class stuff, and family stuff, I probably won't be able to update again for about a week, and I felt like a jerk leaving it there.
Part Sixteen
A Few Days Later
"Look, I just need to be alone for a while to process all of this." Harm crossed his arms over his chest and stared at her. "I'm not trying to shut you out, or keep things from you. I just… I have a lot of regrets when it comes to Jordan, and I need to be alone. I think I'm going to back to my place for a little bit."
Mac felt as if he had slapped her. She swallowed a few times, and struggled to remain calm. "This is your place." She moved her hand around, gesturing at their apartment. "This. You moved in with me six months ago. And prior to that you had spent maybe four nights there since last April. This is your place."
He stepped closer to her and placed his hands on her shoulders. She jerked, and they both watched as they fell to his sides. "I'm not trying to hurt you, Mac. I promise, I'm not. But it's been a hell of a week, and I just need a little time to myself." He leaned in to kiss her, but she moved away. "I'll be back soon, okay?" He reached for her and squeezed her forearms, before grabbing his keys and leaving their apartment.
She watched the door close behind him, and then clutched the edge of the counter. What was happening? His words ran on a loop in her head, and she found herself having a little trouble breathing.
'I have a lot of regrets when it comes to Jordan. I have a lot of regrets when it comes to Jordan. I have a lot of regrets when it comes to Jordan. I have a lot of regrets when it comes to Jordan. I have a lot of regrets when it comes to Jordan.'
What did he regret? Making her get that gun? What happened between them the night Webb had faked his death? The bathroom incident at McMurphy's? Breaking up with her? She glanced around the apartment, and then down at her left hand. What was she supposed to do now? What if he decided he regretted ending things with Jordan, and that was what he needed to process? Would she be able to spend the rest of her life being his second choice?
"I've got to get out of here." She had muttered the words, but they sounded loud in the empty apartment. She grabbed her bag and her keys, and headed to her car. She had only been driving for a few minutes when she realized she had been heading towards Maddie and Ben's apartment. She said a quick prayer that Maddie would be home, and Ben wouldn't be, and kept driving. She approached their building and pulled into the attached parking garage. Mac let out a sigh of relief when she found Maddie's car in it's assigned spot, and Ben's assigned spot empty. She took the stairs to their apartment and gently tapped on the door.
Maddie pulled the door open, and took a step back when she saw her friends face. "Oh my god, are you okay? You look terrible."
Mac laughed, but there was no humor in it. "I feel pretty terrible, actually. Harm and I are having a hard time, and I have no idea what to do."
"What's going on with Harm?"
Both women turned towards the masculine voice, and Mac winced. Ben. "Ben, I'm sorry to intrude. I didn't know you were here." She shrugs lightly. "Your car isn't here anyway."
He furrows his brow. "Don't remind me about the car. Someone on campus hit it a couple of days ago. It's at the shop getting repaired. What's going on with Harm?"
Mac swallowed. "He's having a really hard time dealing with Jordan's death."
Ben nodded knowingly. "Of course, he is. He needs to be the knight in shining armor all the time."
"Yeah. And tonight he decided he was going back to 'his place', so he could deal with all of the regrets he has when it comes to her." She shrugged, and swallowed hard. "I'm just not sure where that leaves me."
Maddie grabbed her hand and tugged her inside. "Come sit. Tell me everything that's going on."
Ben picked up his keys, and grabbed his wallet. "I'm going to go to the bar down the street for a beer, so you guys can talk. I'll be home soon."
Maddie gave him a look, and he shrugged. She knew he wasn't going to the bar. He was going to talk to Harm. And she absolutely adored him for that.
Ben knocked on the door to Harm's loft for the second time and waited. He knew he was there. His Lexus was parked in its old spot, and he saw the light on from the street. He knocked a third time, and when there was no answer, he tried the knob. It easily turned, and he pushed the door open.
"Harm, it's me."
Harm stepped away from the kitchen cabinets he was scrubbing and frowned. "What are you doing here?"
Ben crossed his arms over the chest and leaned against the fridge. "Trying to figure out why the absolutely incredible woman you're supposed to marry in four months is at my apartment, talking to Maddie about where you and her stand."
His eyes widened, and he dropped the sponge and the spray bottle. "What? What are you talking about?"
He shrugged. "She told Maddie that the two of you are having a hard time, and that you have to deal with all of these regrets regarding Jordan, and she's not sure where that leaves her."
Harm thought back to their conversation before he had left. He had said he was going back to his place. That had bothered her, but she would just get angry about that. It's not something that would have her doubting them. What else had he said?
'I have a lot of regrets when it comes to Jordan.'
He inhaled sharply. He knew how she must have interpreted that, and felt sick. "Shit. I have to go talk to her." He washed his hands and started for the door, but Ben grabbed his arm.
"No. She's hurt and upset, and right now she's talking to Maddie. And you're going to talk to me. What kind of regrets do you have over Jordan?"
Harm walked back into the living room, and sat on the step that led to what had once been his bedroom. "It's not what you or, more importantly, Mac are thinking." He flicked a cotton ball sized dust bunny off of the step and sighed. He watched as his friend joined him on the step, and both men leaned back on their hands. "I don't think I've ever told you this, but Mac and I had a couple nights together before Jordan and I met." He saw Ben's eyes widen and continued. "It started in Russia. I was distraught, and I kissed her. I just needed to feel alive. And she gave herself to me. We were completely fine after that. But then it happened again, in October when she was the one who needed it. And I don't know if it was because I was more coherent this time, or…" He blushed. No man wanted to admit to anyone, especially not another man, that the sex hadn't been good and that it had been his fault. "Never mind. But it happened again and the second time it was different. After that time I couldn't stop thinking about her. I needed a distraction, you know? Someone to get me to stop having all of these inappropriate thoughts about my friend. Enter Jordan. That's my regret. I never should have dated her, or caused her any pain, in the first place." He shook his head. "I can't believe Mac thinks I regret us. She should know me better than that."
"Should she?" Ben shook his head. "Harm, you obsess over the dead. It sometimes makes the living feel that they have to compete. And it's really, really hard to compete with a dead person."
Harm closed his eyes momentarily and thought of Diane, and his quest to find her killer. He could still hear the sadness in Mac's voice. 'I know. You were kissing her.' "I guess you're right."
"I am." He glanced around the empty apartment. "Were you actually going to sleep here tonight?"
"Of course not." Harm gestured to the kitchen with his chin. "When Mac and I moved in together we had talked about getting a place that's just ours. I was really looking forward to that. I want to buy a house that needs some work. But life has been chaotic and that hasn't happened yet. I just came here to do some manual labor on that kitchen and to work through my thoughts." He stood. "I appreciate you coming here, Ben. I really do. But I have to talk to her. I can't stomach the thought of her thinking I regret us for one more minute."
"Go home, Harm." Ben stood and dusted off the seat of his pants. "Go home, and wait for Mac. If she's still at my place, I'll send her right to you."
Mac unlocked the door to their apartment and dropped her keys and purse on the kitchen counter. Ben had come back quickly, and had told her to come back here and talk to Harm. She hadn't been stupid; she had known that's where he had gone. She looked around the apartment and saw him standing in the living room. "Hey."
He crossed the room and pulled her to him, burying his face in her hair. "I am so sorry. So, so sorry." He pulled back and kissed the top of her head, before tilting her face up to look at him. "Sweetheart, the only regret that I have when it comes to us is that we wasted so much time." He kissed her softly, and stroked her cheek. "Let's go talk." He headed to the sofa and turned back to see that she hadn't followed.
She stayed where she was. "I've been trying to get you to talk to me all week. But the only time you've talked to me was to bitch about my investigation, and to push me away."
He walked back to her. "I'm sorry, Mac. I…" He ran a hand through his hair, trying to temper his frustration. "I'm sorry. Ben stopped by the loft. We talked and he reminded me that I tend to elevate the dead, that it's hard to compete with a dead person." He grabbed her hands and squeezed. "I know I've been distant this week. I know I was an asshole when it came to your investigation. Will you let me tell you why?"
She took a deep breath, and nodded. He tugged gently, and she followed him to the sofa.
"Do you know when my feelings for you started to change?" She raised an eyebrow, but shook her head slowly. "It was after our second night together. After everything with your hu-" He stopped. He couldn't bring himself to refer to the man who had threatened to kill her, her men, and her future children as her husband. "After everything with Ragle. After that things were different. I found myself constantly fantasizing about you. Remember Thanksgiving that year?" He smiled softly when she nodded. None of their friends had been in town, so it had been just the two of them. They had sat in his apartment, with way too many cartons of Chinese food for two people. "I leaned past you to get an eggroll, and I caught a whiff of your scent. It was lemongrass and ginger, and I wanted you so badly it took every ounce of restraint I had to pull away and eat the damned eggroll."
"You should have said something."
He frowned. "What could I have said? You had sworn off men at that point. We worked together. It was so soon after everything with Ragle, I didn't want to be that guy who takes advantage when you're vulnerable. It made sense for me to look for a distraction. Something that would get my mind off of you." He shrugged and his face saddened. "That's when I met Jordan." He squeezed her hands gently. "My regrets are dating her, when I knew I was falling in love with you. She was a good person, and she deserved more than what I could offer her. If she had never met me, she never would have purchased that gun. I even regret not giving her our number when I moved in. I don't know why she called, but if she had called and I had answered, I may have been able to help her. Those are my regrets, Mac. Being with you is not, and never will be, one of them." He brushed away a tear that had fallen, and leaned into kiss her.
"I'm sorry too." She took a deep breath. "I'm sorry I was such a hard ass and wouldn't tell you anything about the investigation. I just kept thinking about the night you went after Diane's killer, and I guess I thought I was protecting you from yourself." He smiled, and it was almost his normal smile. She crossed her arms over her middle and sighed. "Are you going back to 'your place' now?"
He winced. "I'm sorry about that too. This is my home, Mac. You know that. I really didn't mean that the way it came out. But I would like to head back over there tonight. Not to sleep, just to work for a few hours and hopefully clear my head."
She was confused. The last time she had been in the loft it had been to empty it out of the rest of his things. "What kind of work?"
"I want us to buy a house. I mentioned it when we were in Florida, and we mentioned it when we moved in together. But life and work got in the way. But I want us to buy a house, and I really want to sell the loft before we do that. So, I'm cleaning. I started cleaning the cabinets tonight. The floors need a good cleaning though. And the grout in the shower." He raised an eyebrow. "Want to come help?"
Mac forced herself to shake her head. "No. I'll definitely help, but another time. You wanted to be alone with your thoughts tonight, and now I actually understand why." She gestured at the door. "Go. I'll be here when you get home."
He kissed her again before standing. "I love you. And I won't be out too late."
"I love you too."
End Part 16