In.
Out.
In.
Out.
Breathe.
He needed to breathe.
In.
Out.
He just needed to fucking breathe.
In.
Out.
In.
Fucking.
Out.
As he finally released the stale air from his lungs, he would have laughed at himself if he could have. He was being ridiculous.
It was just a book.
Not worth dying over.
Just a fucking book.
Just a book that his father wrote all his important thoughts in.
Just a book that his brother inexplicably had while in prison.
Just a book that the same brother had given him just a week before his passing.
Just a book that his brother told him would explain everything.
Just a book that he, Sasuke, was now terrified to open.
Just a book that was supposed to explain away the murder of their entire family?
Was there even a way a book like that could exist?
No.
But yet.
He had said it would.
And Sasuke knew he would read it.
He had to read it.
He had to know.
Just not today.
Instead, he decided to grab his laptop and message his new acquaintance.
'So...what's up ScaledSand?'
'I am currently trying to socialize this juvenile corn snake. I do not understand why but he is showing signs of fear anytime he is handled. If he does not become friendlier than he won't be able to get a new home when his siblings are ready.'
'What happens if he isn't ready? Also, do you play with your snake often when you talk to me?'
Ever since the two had begun talking, or rather messaging, regularly two weeks ago Sasuke couldn't help but flirt with the man on the other side of the screen. Not that the other man seemed to mind...
'He will stay here until he is ready and if he never is this will be his home. He will be loved here either way. I socialize my snakes all the time when I'm talking to you. I cannot stop working just because we are corresponding.'
When he understood the joke…
'Not that kind of snake ScaledSand. -_-' '
Sometimes Sasuke found it cute when the other man didn't get the flirtatious jokes. This was one of the times where he just facepalmed at the other man's seeming innocence. In order to avoid the conversation becoming awkward, he focused on the conversation's tangent.
'What's his name?'
'Noodle Woodsy.'
'How in the hell did you come up with that name? It is just so randomly put together.'
'Since he's part of the domestic breeding program his entire clutch is named after his father, Woodsy, and his individual name is related to his mother, Ramen. It's how we identify them and keep track of which animals are related. His siblings are Tonkotsu, Egg, Tofu, Soup, Miso, Pork, Shio, Seaweed, Shuyo, and Akayu. Naming them all was incredibly tedious as I had to look up types of ramen after I had named six of them. I don't know much about the actual food.'
'Then why is their mother named ramen?'
'I let an old friend of mine name her.'
'Oh. lol.'
'Yes. How are you doing Just_A_Person?'
So much for a distraction. He knew he shouldn't have been surprised since it was a question that ScaledSand asked every time they talked. It bothered Sasuke to answer since he found himself unable to lie to the internet man. He had tried to before but felt a sudden pang of guilt when he had, this both confused and frustrated the emotionally stunted raven.
'I'm having a rough day. There are some things about my brother and his crimes that I do not know yet, but are going to come out soon. And I just can't.'
'What if it's worse than I think it'll be?'
'What if it's exactly what I think it'll be?'
'Or what if… What if I forgive him?'
'What if I forgive him for what he did?'
The now-familiar sting of unshed tears burned the back of his eyes. He had cried too much recently, so much he deemed it humanly impossible for him to cry anymore. But as fate would have it he wasn't done. Not even close.
'Go get some tea Just_A_Person. Also, start one of those breathing exercises I sent you.'
A small smile graced thin lips. It wasn't a happy smile, but the young man was so touched that the other had learned his main coping mechanism. Along with teaching him some new ones. The man-made him feel cared for, so much so that as he breathed in the aroma of his new cup he instantly felt the phantom presence of the others touching words.
'I did thank you.'
'It was no problem. After you finish your cup of tea you need to go to sleep. I'm going to send you my phone number and if you need anything don't hesitate to text me okay?'
His phone number? The other man wanted to give Sasuke his number? He wasn't sure about that. It was against the rules. He was even less sure about giving the unknown man his phone number. After all, a simple search and his identity could be discovered.
He must have taken too long to respond.
'You don't have to text me if you don't want to. I understand you like your anonymity. I just want you to know I'm available if you need someone. Also, I promise that even if you give me your number I won't look you up.'
Holy fuck this man suddenly became so much more attractive. Somehow, even with their limited amount of interactions the man already knew the raven-haired man's personality to its core.
'Oh, my sweet. You keep talking to me like that and I'll just have to marry you.'
'That's impractical I live in a different province. Also, you don't even know my name, or what I look like.'
'Oh your words paint a picture baby and I'm lovin' what I'm seeing.'
'Go to bed Just_A_Person. You need your rest.'
'Only if you join me.'
Sasuke found it much more entertaining to tease the man than to go to bed. It also worked wonders as a distraction from his once again rising anxiety.
'Maybe one day but for now you are going to bed without me.'
The pale man froze. His heart skipped several beats then resumed in a manic fashion. This was the first time the other man ever flirted back. Ever. His brain had turned to mush in the span of that one sentence. He didn't know how he felt about the other man flirting with him. Part of him wanted to hide, scared of being found out, scared of going beyond the internet. Part of him, the lower part of him, wondered what the other man would look like and what he would like without clothes. A small part of him felt a strange new kind of emotion he couldn't identify, it was a warm pleasant feeling whatever it was. And it was that part of him that scared him into closing the laptop and going to bed. If only to shut himself off from his emotions for a while.
He was going to do it. He was going to read the journal. He was going to do it. He just needed the confidence to first. A shot. Yes, a shot. That'll give him the strength he was lacking. He made his way to his liquid courage and downed a large swig, a swig much larger than an actual shot.
Yes, he was going to read it. He returned to his room the bottle of booze still in his hand. As he sat down, he stared at the leather-bound book. He was going to read it. Yes, he was. After one more shot. Yes, one more shot flowed down his throat. One more shot and he picked up the journal. A journal that should have disappeared years ago. His dad's journal. He was going to read it. One more shot to course through his veins and he opened the book to the first page.
'June 28,
It's been six weeks since I got shot. Six weeks since that bastard got away. I should be able to go back to work in two weeks if the shrink says I can. He better. He told me I'm not dealing with the incident. I am. I'm just not some pansy who needs to cry about it. I'm only doing this journaling so he'll say I'm dealing with my emotions.'
That was all the entry said. Sasuke didn't know what he had expected. From his memories, his father was a man of few words. He was genuinely surprised the man even kept a journal, therapist or not. But here it was and it was his handwriting.
This journal will change everything.
This journal will change everything.
Everything.
The hand that was holding the book began to shake. No, he wasn't ready. He wasn't ready for things to change. Nothing needed to change. After all, they were all dead. What was the point of change? Nothing. A strangled cry managed to force its way out as he began to hyperventilate. Vision blurring with tears ready to shed. He had too much to drink. Yeah, that was it. Too much alcohol.
He needed something. Something. Before he knew what he was doing he had his phone against his ear as it rang.
"Hello?"
The voice on the other end was deep and unfamiliar. In the background, he could hear an unfamiliar clicking. Who had he called? Sasuke in his panic must have dialed a random number.
"Sorry I didn't mean to call. Have a good night."
He went to hang up. Embarrassed beyond recognition.
"Just_A_Person is that you?"
"ScaledSands?"
"Yes, it is me. Are you okay?"
"I'm fine."
"That is a lie."
"How would you know?"
"No one is ever fine when they say they are. Also, I can hear the crying."
Was he actually crying? A hand gingerly raised to feel indeed he was crying.
"What is wrong, Just_A_Person?"
"I don't want to talk about it?"
"Why did you call me then?"
Fair question. One he didn't have an answer to.
"I don't know."
"What do you need from me?"
Another good question. Another one he didn't have an answer for.
"Tell me a story."
It came out before he knew it.
"Okay. Give me a second to think."
Sasuke didn't have a response so he just kept silent. His brain didn't work anymore anyway.
"You know what a kazekage is?"
"Yes, I'm not stupid."
"Well, there once was a kazekage named Rasa. He was known for being a fierce leader, but rather tender towards his family. He had the most beautiful wife and two amazing children.
One day they found out they were expecting a third child. The pregnancy was not easy for his wife. She became bedridden in her first trimester and after went into labor two months prematurely. She died during childbirth but the baby survived. It was a boy.
The death of his wife changed the Kazekage. He was distant to his two older children. The youngest? Well, he was downright cruel physically lashing out at him and calling him a monster. Eventually, he left the child in the care of his late wife's brother, Yashamaru.
Yashamaru raised the child to the age of six. Teaching him right from wrong, how to tie his shoes, and about love. Love was the child's favorite subject as he didn't understand it. Yashamaru used to tell him magnificent stories of his brother-in-law and sister's love. How they met, how they fell in love, how they went on two have three kids together. After telling the child all these stories the child asked if his mother hated him. His uncle looked struck, of course not he replied. She loved him so much she was willing to sacrifice her life for him. He then went and gave the child a stuffed bear that his mother had picked out before she passed. The boy went to bed that night happy, clutching the bear."
The other man paused. It was long enough to cause the pale man to pull the phone away from his face to check if they had been disconnected.
"And?"
"That's enough for tonight. I will tell the rest later. Are you feeling any better?"
It was his turn to pause. Strangely enough, he did feel better. The other man's voice was rather soothing.
"Yes thank you."
"That is good. Now go to sleep."
He thought of protesting but a loud yawn escaped before he could.
"Alright, goodnight."
"Goodnight."
A/N: Imma be honest. I hate this chapter. Like there are important elements here, but I still just fucking hate it. Please tell me how you feel about it.