Summary: Harm. & Mac begin their life together, while both deal with the reality of Harm's decision to resign his commission. Spoiler alert: Mac doesn't handle it very well. (Continuation of It Started in Russia, and Everything is Going to Be Okay)

Notes: It's been about 10 months since my last update. Eeek! Sorry 'bout that. I really suck, I know.

Part Nineteen

"Can I come in?"

Mac wordlessly opened the door and moved aside to let Maddie in. Her friend looked terrible. Her beautiful red hair was pulled into a messy bun, her face was pale, and her mascara was smudged – just enough to make you think she had rubbed her eyes once or twice, but not enough to make you think she'd been crying. "Is everything okay?"

"No." Maddie shook her head, and took a shuddering breath. She stepped inside and pushed the door shut. "The wedding is off." Her voice broke and she rubbed a hand over her face.

Mac's eyes widened and she stared at Maddie in shock. She couldn't believe what she was hearing, and shook her head. "I'm sorry; what?" Maddie swallowed and moved further into the house, kicking off her shoes and walked into the living room. She collapsed onto the sofa, and pulled her knees up to her chest. Mac followed her and sat down on the edge of the ottoman and reached over to place a hand on her leg. "Hey, come on. Talk to me. What do you mean the wedding is off?"

"I mean the wedding is off." Her eyes filled and she took a tissue from the box. She blew her nose and then crumpled the tissue. "Ben doesn't want to get married."

"I don't know what to say," Mac said quietly. "What happened?"

Maddie shook her head. "I don't really know. Things have felt a little weird since our bachelor/bachelorette weekend. But we've both been so busy with work we haven't had a lot of time together. And tonight…" She swallowed hard and began to pull apart the tissue. "Tonight, we were having dinner and he was acting strange and didn't want to tell me what was wrong." She dropped the pieces of tissue on the ottoman and walked over to a window. "For some reason I couldn't let it go. And he - he told me about this woman who came onto him at his bachelor party and how nothing happened with her, but he thought about it for a moment, just because he – he wanted to blow up his own life."

Mac moved to stand next to her and placed a hand on her back. "What happened tonight?"

Maddie hiccupped and wrapped her arms around her waist. "He told me that he was afraid that I'd hurt him as badly as his ex did. He talked to Harm, and Harm told him it sounded like he was subconsciously trying to ruin things himself, so it'll hurt less that way than if I decide to leave him one day." The tears began to flow and she furiously swiped at her cheeks. "And then he – he…" she took a huge gulp of air and tried to hold on to the little bit of composure she still had. "He told me that he didn't think he could get married when he was having thoughts like that. He said it wasn't fair to me. He said he still loves me, but he's just not ready to get married."

"Oh, Maddie." Mac's heart broke for her friend, and she moved her hand over Maddie's back.

"I told him that it also wasn't fair to me to call off our wedding two weeks before the damned thing." She shook off Mac's hand, and began to pace. "How the hell is it fair for him to expect me just to be okay with the fact that he loves me, but doesn't want to marry me? He doesn't want to move out, or want me to move out. He wants to be together, just as a regular couple and not as an engaged couple or a married couple." She began to cry, and finally collapsed against Mac. "I want to marry him, Mac. I don't want to go backwards."

"I know, sweetie."

Maddie pulled away and took a deep breath. "I don't know what to do. I love him. I don't want it to be over, but I don't know how to stay together." Mac didn't say anything, and Maddie let her friend stroke her back. After a moment, she pulled away again. "What would you do?"

"I'm sorry?"

She swallowed. "Say Harm came home and said he loved you, and wanted to be with you, but didn't want to marry you. What would you do?"

Mac felt slightly queasy at the thought and shook her head. "I don't know. I love him enough that I'd like to try to make it work, but I don't know if I could. I think I would always wait for him to backwards even more. To decide that not only did he not want to marry me, but he also didn't love me."

"I'm afraid of that too," Maddie said softly.

"He's an idiot." Harm downed half a bottle of water and shook his head as he studied his fiancée. "He's an absolute idiot."

Mac nodded and popped a piece of sliced cheddar into her mouth. She chewed for a moment and then took a sip of her own water. "Did you know he was going to do this?"

"Of course not!" And he didn't. He really didn't. He knew that he was nervous about getting married, and terrified that he would get his heart broken again, but he had no idea that his friend was stupid enough to call off his wedding to the woman that he loved. He opened his mouth to tell her that, but then stopped at the anxious expression on her face – and the fear in her eyes. He walked around the kitchen island, and picked up her left hand. He lifted her hand to his lips and placed a gentle kiss on the soft skin below her ring. "I didn't know he was going to do this; I promise you. I know he was afraid of getting hurt again, but he told me he wanted to get married and spend the rest of his life with her."

"Something obviously changed."

He shrugged, and moved his hands to her waist. He dropped a kiss on her forehead and then her lips. "I'm not going to change my mind," he said softly.

"You didn't think Ben would either."

Harm shrugged again, and held her tighter. "You're right; I didn't think he would. But I know I won't." She didn't say anything and he let out a breath. "Want me to prove it?"

Mac raised an eyebrow and leaned back. "That's not something you can prove, Harm. You've been trying to convince me for nearly two years that you love me and you're not going anywhere."

He smiled and ran his hands up her sides. "True. And up until Maddie came by tonight you believed me." She didn't say anything and he continued. "I love you. I'll always love you, and I'll prove it to you - let's get married."

She frowned and cocked her head to the side. "Harm, we've done this part already. We're already engaged."

"Let's get married now. Tonight."

Her eyes widened. "Harm…"

"I'm serious, Mac." His smile faded and his face took on an expression that was so utterly serious it nearly took her breath away. "I know we have this big, formal wedding planned in October, and we can still do that. But I don't want to wait to be your husband."

She shook her head. It would be so easy to use logic to convince him that he wasn't being rational. She could simply remind him that it was 7:30 at night, and too late to get a marriage license in Virginia. Or that they hadn't picked out rings yet, or that their witnesses, Ben and Maddie, were in no state at the moment to witness their marriage. But she didn't want to use the logical argument, or to make him think that a closed governmental office was all that was stopping them from getting married.

"I'm not eloping, Harm."

"Mac-"

She shook her head. "I've done that, and I'm not doing it again. I want the big, formal wedding. I want your parents and your grandmother and all of our friends there."

"But you're going to spend the next two months thinking I'm one heartbeat away from changing my mind," he argued. "and that's frustrating because I'm not going to change my mind. I would have married you well over a year ago if you had said yes to my first proposal."

Mac thought about the spur of the moment proposal before he returned to the carrier and rolled her eyes. "That was not a proposal."

Harm shrugged. "I didn't get down on one knee of anything, but when I said 'we could get married' I absolutely meant it."

"Harm, I-" The phone began to ring, and the noise interrupted whatever argument she had been about to make.

"I'll get it." He was closer to an extension, and she watched as he reached over and picked up the cordless phone. She watched his face while he listened to whoever was speaking, and she felt a jolt of dread when his eyes widened and met hers. "Hold on one second; let me see if she's available." He stepped closer and covered the mouthpiece with his hand. "It's Ancora Home Healthcare in Arkansas. It's about your mom." His heart ached for her as the color drained from her face and his grip over the mouthpiece tightened. "Want me to handle it?"

She shook her head and tentatively took the phone from him. "This is Sarah MacKenzie." Mac closed her eyes and listened while the hospice worker told her that her mother had passed away peacefully a few hours ago, and passed along the information for the funeral home. "Hold on, please. I - I need to find a pen." She watched as Harm hurriedly pulled open the junk drawer and handed her a purple marker and the notepad they used for grocery lists. Once she had written down the relevant information, she capped the marker and looked up at Harm, her eyes filling with tears.

"My mother is dead."

The Next Afternoon…

Harm looked up at the small apartment building, and then at the piece of paper in his hand. "This is it." Mac nodded, but made no move to get out of the car. He reached over and gave the back of her neck a gentle squeeze. "Are you okay?"

She didn't react for a moment, and then she nodded. "Yeah." Her hand lingered over the door handle, and she looked up at him. "I guess we should get this over with." She opened the car door and began making her way to the main entrance of the building. The complex was small and in a shabby part of town, but it looked well cared for and inviting. She swallowed hard and opened the door, and looked around for someone who looked like the woman she had spoken to on the phone.

"Sarah?" An older woman standing by the staircase with a small can of touchup pain in her hand offered her a kind smile. Mac nodded and she moved closer. "I'm Alex; we spoke on the phone." She held up a hand. "I would shake your hand, but I've got paint on me."

"It's fine," she said. They stood in an uncomfortable silence for a moment until Mac cleared her throat. "Our appointment at the funeral home is in about an hour, so I guess I should go on to her room."

"Yes, of course. Right up the stairs, second door on the left. I went up there a few minutes ago and unlocked it, so feel free to let yourself in."

"Thank you." She started toward the stairs, and turned to look at Harm. "I think I'd like to go in alone. At least at first." He opened his mouth to argue and she closed her eyes. She loved him, but he was overprotective and it was starting to make her crazy. "I just need a few minutes." She offered him a tense smile and headed up the small staircase.

Harm watched for a minute and then smiled at Alex. "Thanks for meeting us today." She nodded and looked like she had something she wanted to say. He raised an eyebrow and shoved his hands in his pockets. "Is there something else we need to know?"

She sucked in a breath and glanced at the staircase, and saw that Mac had gone into her mother's apartment. She turned to Harm and nodded. "Yeah. Walk with me." They walked down the hall to a small office and she opened the door and lead him inside. "This is uncomfortable to talk about, Mr. Rabb."

He suddenly knew what she was going to tell him and grimaced. "She owed you money?"

Alex reluctantly nodded. "She is – was – three months late on her rent. When I asked her about it, and she told me about the cancer, I felt guilty and couldn't bring myself to evict her. She told me when she was gone, her daughter would make sure I got my money." Harm's eyes widened and she hurried on. "I hate asking, especially since that poor thing just lost her mother, and I don't know if she has the means to handle her mother's debts. But I – I needed to ask."

"We can take care of it."

Alex audibly sighed and he reached into his pocket for his wallet. She opened a drawer and pulled out a few sheets of paper. "Here are her rent statements for the past three months."

Harm flipped through them, surprised at how low the rent was. He pulled out a credit card and handed it to her. "I'm happy to take care of it. Thank you for your kindness towards her." Alex nodded and tentatively accepted the card. He watched her run the card and took it when she handed it back. "Can you do me a favor?"

"Yes, of course."

Harm handed her the rent statements and put his wallet back in his pocket. "Don't mention this to my fiancée. She had a complicated relationship with her mother, and I don't want this added to her burden." Alex nodded and her looked at the open door. "I'm going to go check on her."

"You okay?"

Mac looked toward the open door and shrugged. She pressed her lips together and tried not to cry as he moved toward her. She swallowed hard and looked around the sparse apartment. "My dad was a sonofabitch, you know."

"I know," he said softly.

She ran her finger over the spine of a romance novel. "But when he died and the hospice gave me his old wallet, he had pictures and news stories about me inside." She turned and faced him. "And he was a terrible father, but he did try." She closed her eyes and remembered when she had seen her mother at the hospice in California. "He checked my homework, and cleaned the house, and tried –" her voice broke and she swallowed back a sob. "He tried to make dinner for me. He was a miserable drunk, but he was there for me in his sad, pathetic, inadequate way."

"Honey, come here." Harm moved closer and reached for her. Mac let him pull her close, and she buried her face in his neck.

"She left me. She didn't care enough about me to bring me with her. She didn't care enough to try and see me." She began to cry, and he held her tighter. She allowed herself to cry, taking comfort in his arms and soft words. After a moment, she pulled away and wiped her eyes. She spun around the room in a slow circle, and then met his gaze.

"There's nothing here. No sign that she ever had a daughter. Or a brother." Mac hurried over to an end table and picked up a framed photograph. "Look at this." She thrust the photo out towards Harm. "This is the only framed photo in this apartment. And it's not of her daughter or her brother. Or her mother. Instead, it's just a a framed photo of herself when she was a young woman. And this – come look at this." She stomped into the single bedroom and paced until Harm joined her. The room was nearly empty, just a small bed with cheap black bedding, a lamp with bedside table, and a small dresser. "This is it, Harm." The tears began to fall again. "She took a few albums when she left. Albums with pictures of me as a baby. You know, I imagined that she looked at them all the time and missed me and thought of me. Look around! They aren't here. There's nothing here." Harm moved toward her again, and she shook her head. "I'm ready to go. I want to go home."

"Our flight leaves in the morning," he said softly. She opened her mouth, and he shook his head. "Come on. We have to keep our appointment at the funeral home. After that we'll go back to the hotel and rest for a little bit. And then we'll grab some dinner." She didn't look convinced, so he trailed a finger over her cheek. "Let me take care of you."

"You always take care of me," she said softly. "You're so good to me."

He placed a soft kiss on her forehead. "You deserve it."

End Part 19