Chapter 18
The words blurred one into the other, suddenly unintelligent, but the tone was far too understandable - harsh, demanding, unforgiving - and far too familiar.
Olivia squeezed her eyes shut as she turned away from the both of them, hands tightening into fists as the past and present echoed inside her head.
She fought the memories away before they could take anchor in her mind. And then it was just Jake's voice again.
"I heard what you said." Olivia turned back to face him; feeling the last of the adrenaline in her system drain away, leaving her slightly shaky. She hated the feeling - it felt too much like weakness. And you never show weakness - not to anyone! A last echo from the past seared through her, feeding her growing anger.
"And?" Jake demanded; he was obviously still upset.
"And what?" She wasn't in the mood to explain herself.
"What you need to do -" Jake stepped closer and before she could stop him, he was reaching out, his hand closing in on her upper arm.
Her anger blazed up as she snatched herself from his grip. "What I need to do is what?"
"I'm not your enemy, Olivia." Jake snapped, obviously stung by her rejection. "But all of what just happened because you were out here alone and unprotected, It wasn't the smartest thing you could have done - and you know the reason why!"
"That's not your decision to make - and it's none of your business!" Olivia snapped back. "And as for this, it's been handled. It's over!"
"Is it?" Jake was so angry that his words came out in chaotic bursts of anger. "You're out here - knowing that the - the life you've chosen - to stand in the sun -"
"That's right - my life!" Olivia stepped forward. "It's mine to live it as I choose -"
"That's enough!" Harrison's voice overrode both of theirs and that had the effect of shutting them both up."
What he'd seen in Olivia's face had set off an alarm and his protective instincts roared into life.
He held out his hand to Olivia.
"Keys." Harrison's tone made it clear that he wasn't going to accept any argument from her. "We're leaving - now - and I'm driving."
Harrison breathed a silent sigh of relief as Olivia began rummaging through her purse.
"I don't think that you should be going anywhere alone." Jake said.
One glance at Olivia decided him; whatever the other man wanted,whatever he thought - whether he knew it or not, Jake was done.
Before she could speak, Harrison took a step forward, putting himself in between them. "No offense, Jake - but right now, I don't think that Olivia gives a damn what it is you think - and I know I don't."
The look that Jake shot him startled him. It was as though between one breath and the next, Jake became an angry stranger. Even stranger was that even as Harrison stared at him, Jake's angry expression dropped from his face as though a switch had been flipped.
The sudden shift brought a shift in Harrison's own awareness, one that sent a brief prickle of wariness through him, but his concern was on Olivia and that meant that there was no time to argue about or think about Jake.
That was something he'd regret later.
Neither one of them spoke until they were out of the garage and Harrison had turned the car in the direction of the White House.
"So, we're not talking about this?" Harrison had waited until a good ten minutes had gone by before he said anything. He also caught the split second of hesitation before Olivia answered and it served to confirm what he'd been thinking.
"Talking about what?"
"I saw it, Liv - I saw you." Even if he didn't know specifics, he'd sensed the emotions and memories that had flashed in and out of her eyes. It hadn't been the first time and probably wouldn't be the last he'd seen it. But knowing how much Olivia had always been so fiercely protective of her privacy, he'd never brought it up until now. After all, who the hell else was there to do it?
"Tell me what you need, Liv. Tell me to go to hell if you need to, but let's not pretend that you don't know what I'm talking about."
She stared forward stubbornly. "I don't."
"You do." Harrison felt her gaze come back to him and turned his eyes briefly to meet hers,
"I saw something in your eyes when Jake was talking." Harrison explained. "It came and went in a flash - but I did see it."
"And you're about to tell me what you saw, aren't you?" Olivia didn't care if her displeasure was obvious.
"I'm about to take an educated guess." Harrison took a deep breath. "Jake was right in a way."
"You think so?"
"Yes, I do." He ignored the sharpness in her tone. Not giving her a chance to argue, Harrison plunged ahead into what he knew was dangerous territory. "I don't know what the super-spy knows, but everyone at the office knows that you and the president are - involved."
"So you've all been sitting around discussing my life?" Olivia sat very still, trying to keep her anger in check - and barely succeeding.
"It's not like that at all - and you should know better." Harrison ignored the quiet acidity in her voice, deliberately gentling his voice in return. "We're fam, Liv - you can't expect that any of us hasn't noticed the changes we've seen in you. And do you know what we see ? We see that you're happy - that none of us has seen you on this level of happy. And guess what - this is not a bad thing."
She didn't know how to react - she didn't even know what to feel. Too much was happening all at once. Her walls went up automatically, habit forcing her first instinct of anger and denial.
I don't talk about my private life - for reasons. And old habits are hard to break.
But this was Harrison. If OPA was her family, then Harrison was her baby brother, He was always insisting that she'd saved him - but if she were being honest, Olivia would tell him that he had saved her right back.
And if she were being honest, Olivia knew that she needed to listen to what he had to say, to really listen and with more than her ears. Could she find it within herself to be honest? And to be honest, meant one thing…
Her voice was a half-whisper. "I'm afraid."
His answer surprised her. "I know."
More than anyone else besides the man who loves her - and Harrison has never doubted that Fitzgerald Grant does love her - he'd never doubted it since the president had set his own agents over her after she'd been injured in the course of their last case and had then taken Olivia into the White House to keep her safe…
Harrison believes that he knows more about Olivia's inner demons more than anyone else: the blind spot in her emotional space that was responsible for the fierce need for independence that drove her. Jake had pushed her buttons without even knowing what he'd done.
But Harrison did.
"Liv - I know what Jake couldn't possibly know - you're afraid of own happiness - of claiming your happily ever after - and that includes being the love of the president's life openly." He paused as he recalled Jake's words and realized that maybe the other man knew more that Harrison had thought. "To stand in the sun with him."
Olivia didn't say anything; Harrison's words had slammed into one of the pillars of her existence and he didn't even know it. If she weren't careful, they would cause the foundation of her inner defenses to crumble - and she couldn't let that happen.
"Tell me I'm wrong and you can shut me down right here and now." Harrison kept his eyes firmly on the road, giving Olivia the space he knew she needed right now. "Tell me that this isn't an issue, that the idea of the secret service, the press and who knows how many people in this administration suddenly probing into your private spaces - making you into the story - that the slightest thought of the level of intrusion puts you into full gladiator mode."
He was mostly right, Olivia had to admit to herself. There were things that did scare her, things that she'd never shared with anyone. She did it to protect the people around her, because there were things that none of them needed to know.
They wouldn't be safe if they did.
Harrison glances over at Olivia; she's staring straight ahead - as far as he could tell, her walls were firmly in place. Another glance - this one downward showed him her hand clenched in her lap. Without thinking, he reaches out to cover her hand with his own.
"I'm not trying to tell you how to handle your life - I wouldn't dare -" he said the last words in a way that was meant to coax a smile from her. They do.
That relieved him. "All I'm saying is that you need to get things clear in your own mind because this is some 'for better and worse' ish - and you have to ask yourself - for you and for him - are you ready for that?"
They arrived at the White House gates and the conversation paused while Olivia presented her credentials and they were passed through. She directed him to the private parking area and when he parked, they both sat there for a moment quietly.
"You weren't done." She said in a soft voice; when he hesitated, she pressed him. "Go on, finish it. I'm listening."
A second squeeze convinced him to continue. He took a deep breath.
"You've got walls; emotional walls higher than the Washington Monument and wider than the Potomac - and that's okay, every single one of us at OPA have their own walls - our own issues and secrets. You knew that and took each of us in anyway."
Harrison found himself wanting to make her smile again. "You're the one who made us into the dysfunctional family that we are and somehow you made it work. You still look out for us - but who looks out for you?"
In spite of the jumbled thoughts and feelings in her head, Olivia did smile. A part of her wanted to deny the uncomfortable feelings his words had created, but at the same time, another part of her couldn't deny his words or the truth he spoke.
"You look out for me - I know it." So she smiled at him again, even if it took a little more effort than she might have liked. "When was the last time I thanked you for it?"
"I don't want you to ever think about having to thank me." Harrison told her. "You saved me, Liv - and I'll never be able to pay you back for that."
"Right back at you." Olivia said, meaning it.
"We good?"
"Always.
"You sure?"
"Without a doubt. I may not have wanted to hear it, but I think I needed to."