CHAPTER THIRTY
After ending her text connection with Fitz, Olivia smiled and took a deep breath of the cool evening air.
She was standing on the deck of the presidential cabin; it was chilly but not overly uncomfortable, especially since she had one of Fitz's sweaters wrapped around her. The warmth surrounding her came more from the fact that it was his rather than the fabric of the gray fleece itself. That thought made her smile again.
The scent of the trees surrounding the presidential retreat filled the air, lending her a portion of the peace that Fitz had promised, right along with the quiet of the night and the river of bright stars shining bright overhead.
Peace; Fitz had promised that she'd find it here - and as much as she'd tried to argue with him, it turned out that he'd been right. Getting away from DC and all of its pressures was what she'd needed. Even Harrison had agreed.
It wasn't until Tom had brought Olivia back to her apartment that she'd realized that in her rush to get away she'd left her phone behind. She was in her bedroom packing her overnight bag when she noticed it charging on her nightstand. A quick check showed that there were a pile of messages waiting for her - but the most of important of them to her were the ones from Harrison.
Anyone else could wait, she'd decided as she called him back. OPA wasn't in crisis mode at the moment so Olivia knew things were quiet enough to trust was sure that they could handle things on their own overnight and some. And if they couldn't, Harrison was trustworthy enough to tell her so. could handle them, she told herself as she returned his call. before returning Harrison's last call.
As she'd known, Harrison had her back, brushing off her apologies for having dropped out of sight without missing a beat, quickly making it clear that he'd been more concerned about her current well-being more than anything -or anybody - else.
The first thing he'd asked her was how was she - the words "I'm fine" came to her lips without thinking, but just as quickly, Olivia realized that she didn't want to lie to him.
"I'm better." She amended herself. If not one hundred percent okay, Olivia knew that she was better.
There was a silence after her words; Olivia tried to guess at what Harrison was thinking. She wasn't expecting his guilt.
"But you weren't when you left OPA." He said when he finally spoke. "I knew that and I shouldn't have let you go home alone."
"I didn't know what was happening inside of me." Olivia refused to let Harrison blame himself. "I wasn't feeling right, but we both know that I had reason to. I went home and tried to do the usual - a hot shower and a glass of wine. But the usual didn't work."
Something inside of her remembered and reacted. Olivia took a deep breath to fight down a sudden shaking inside her before she was able to go on. "Something broke in me, Harrison."
Her eyes squeezed shut as she forced herself to continue. Harrison would probably disagree, but she owed him this. "Too much was on my mind that I couldn't turn it off - everything came crashing down and I - I couldn't think. All I could do is run."
He couldn't see how she closed her eyes, couldn't see inside her mind where the memories of the night before washed over her, but his next words made it obvious that he guessed at some of it.
"That explains why you didn't answer the door when I came by - you weren't there. It wasn't until after you'd left that I started worrying that something I'd said had upset you - " Harrison paused and when he spoke again, his voice was heavy with guilt. "Olivia, I'm so sorry if anything I said was a trigger."
Again, he couldn't see Olivia as she shook her head. "It was nothing you said or didn't say -"
She surprised herself with her next words, a tiny shock running through her as she realized not only how true they were, but the discovery that they had never occurred to her before now. " - if anything, I'm my own trigger."
Harrison didn't ask for anything else beyond that; he changed the subject, asking her what her plans were for the day and thankfully not questioning her when Olivia told him that she didn't plan on coming in until tomorrow afternoon at the earliest.
Harrison echoed her earlier words without knowing it."It's not like we're in crisis mode at the moment - you are allowed to take the entire day off… "
"So I've been told." Olivia agreed. The pressure in her chest eased off a little. The two men who knew her best in the world agreeing on the matter made her feel so much better.
"To tell the truth,I feel bad that I hadn't insisted on it happening sooner. Glad to hear it - there's another reason why your name is on the door than the one you usually point to. Being the boss has its privileges - use them."
"I'll think about it." Olivia allowed herself a light laugh.
"Don't think about it, be about it." Harrison told her.
"I will." Olivia promised. "But in the meantime, catch me up with what's been going on this morning."
There was nothing much on the menu, Harrison told her; they were still looking into the Caldwell family tree - and speaking of the Caldwells - Harrison was guessing that the formal card of invitation from the Caldwells for their weekend birthday event had arrived - along with not one but two lovely - "and by that I mean - expensive - bouquets" that were sitting on her desk right now.
"It's smelling all kinds of good up in there right now." Harrison said. He wanted to keep their conversation light while giving Olivia what she needed. Whatever storms had plagued Olivia in the night, they seemed to be gone for the moment and he was intent on keeping it that way.
"Guessing?" Olivia asked.
He explained that he only was guessing, because he hadn't opened the sealed envelope and that was because it had her name scrawled in handwriting and that seemed personal.
Olivia instructed him to open it. They were both surprised to see that inside the invitation, there was a handwritten note from Peter Caldwell that included an offer to stay overnight at the estate itself for a working brunch.
Her mind almost started up working overtime as to what the implications were to such an invite - but then remembering what Fitz had told her, Olivia purposefully shut herself down.
Obviously Harrison had had the same idea and reaction that Fitz had had. "Don't-"
"I'm not -"
"It can wait."
"It can." Olivia agreed. She was on a break. It was going to have to wait.
She tells Harrison to keep their reservations at their hotel intact - just in case. She may want to reserve the appearance of autonomy.
"Always negotiate from a position of strength." Harrison said, repeating one of the lessons she'd taught him.
"Perception is everything." Olivia said, agreeing with him.
"You know that you're preaching to the choir, right?" Harrison said, not hiding the laughter in his voice.
His words gave her something else to smile at. "I do - and I thank you for that - and so much more."
"You know that you never have to thank me for having your back." He said. "Not ever."
"I do - but I don't say thank you enough, Harrison." She meant that for more than this conversation and they both knew it.
Letting others take care of her - it had always been something that had been hard to do, but it was a lesson she was beginning to learn to pay attention to; Huck and Harrison and most importantly - Fitz - had been trying to reach her and teach her. And finally, just maybe she was ready to hear them - and more importantly, to learn from them. That was a thought that made Olivia smile all over again.
"Live your life,Olivia." Harrison said after a long moment of silence. "That's all the thanks that I need - and I think hat this one time I can speak for your guy - what we want is for you to live your best life."
/
Live your best life.
Olivia snuggled deeper into Fitz's sweater as Harrison's words echoed in her head. Night fell and the stars winked into life overhead.
She'd claimed it as soon as she arrived at the cabin. That and a huge mug of tea - Fitz had kept his word to have the cabin stocked with everything she might have possibly wanted, including more of the chamomile and lavender infused tea that he'd had ready for her - had been enough to allow her to fall into a thankfully dreamless sleep.
She'd woken up with her senses filled with the scent of Fitz surrounding her, something that stayed with her as she'd taken a short walk through the wooded area surrounding the cabin area and even now, as she found herself gazing up into the starry sky, something of Fitz lingered still.
It took her a moment to figure out what that was - and it was a revelation that it was Fitz's strength - the strength to look for what she wanted - what she needed - and the strength to reach out and take it.
Up until now, a part of her hadn't been able to do it. Who she'd been before tonight had been used to episodes similar to this, but Olivia had to admit that she'd never fallen apart the way she had last night - and she'd never had an episode like this in front of Fitz before - not ever.
Was something in her finally ready for this step forward? Maybe she was - and maybe she wasn't. But maybe it was at least time to try and figure it out.