CHAPTER FORTY-TWO

Olivia watched Fitz's eyes darken in a mix of thoughtfulness and emotion. His hand returned to her cheek, fingers tracing the edges, the gentleness in them reminding her all over again of the real reason she was - they were - here.

The look that came into his eyes told her that Fitz had guessed the direction of her thoughts and she thought that maybe it was finally time for them to have that talk.

Once again, they were in sync. Fitz smiled a reassuring smile at her. "Let's take that walk."

After a quick shower and change, they walked hand in hand down one of the many walking paths scattered across the presidential retreat. Even though they knew that there were guards all around, under Tom's supervision they did their best to stay out of sight, giving Olivia and Fitz the welcome illusion of privacy.

In spite of the chill of the season, the day was sunny enough that they didn't need gloves; a fact Olivia was thankful for that because it gave her the opportunity to slip her hand inside Fitz's. She welcomed the warmth along with the strength and pleasure of his touch.

Her mind shifts from the present dilemma her question had raised to indulge in this simplest of pleasures. It was one of the smaller quiet moments that they didn't get to enjoy enough. They were always having to be so on guard, so careful about who might see…

That was more than them; a fresh revelation hit her - that was something that could be said to be the same about them - although she'd been the one to set the parameters - or more truthfully, Fitz had allowed her to set. She was the one who had chosen to put the boundaries on their relationship - not Fitz.

Never Fitz.

If she had let him, he would have shouted their love from the rooftops. Forget the plan - he would marry her today if he could - if she would let him.

Maybe that was one of the answers to the questions she'd forced herself to face. Was his campaign really the reason why she wanted to wait - or was it her? Maybe if she could find a way inside herself to let him, Fitz's strength was what needed to find her own.

The quiet silence was filled with the strength of that revelation and all of that was because of Fitz - always patient, always ready and willing to wait for her to find her truth so that he could figure out what it was she needed… and what he needed to do to make it happen.

"I wish I were more like you." She spoke so suddenly that her words almost stopped Fitz in his tracks.

"More like me - how?" he asked. "I'm not sure that I understand, Livvie. I'm just me."

Speaking her thoughts aloud scared her in a way that she couldn't even put into words, but Olivia took a deep breath as she turned to look at Fitz and began to speak her truth. "Of course you don't understand - and I don't expect you to. When you give your heart - you give all of it. And me - I'm the exact opposite. I've had to face myself and ask the question if I've ever really given my whole heart - ever."

Her voice went quiet. "I don't think I liked the answer."

"Of course you've given your heart, Livvie." Fitz read her face and shook his head. "Are you saying that you don't love me? Don't you dare try and tell me that you don't or that you haven't given me your heart - that's a lie that we both know isn't true."

"I've given you all I had, but was it everything?" Olivia stopped walking and forced herself to turn and face him fully. "We both know how hard it is for me to say I love you - and I do love you, Fitz. But while I've been up here, I've been thinking and questioning a lot of my life - and that included me asking myself a few hard questions."

"I can't speak to your past - but I know that you love me, Olivia - there's never been any doubt in my mind about that."

There was truth in his words, but Olivia knew that it wasn't enough. This was on her. "But we both know that I've given you plenty of reasons to doubt me - to hate me, even."

"Livvie, you know I've never hated you - even when I tried not to be in love with you anymore -"

Olivia reached out and took his hand again before she started walking again, using the time to take a moment to gather the thoughts that had played through her mind in the last twenty-four hours. "I know that. It's what I loved about you once I got to know you - you never give up on love."

Fitz wanted to argue that Mellie might disagree with her - but the facts were that if he were to be honest with himself - he'd never loved his wife and she'd never loved him - not in the way that counts. They'd built a life together because they been maneuvered into it. They'd made it work by following the rules. In his own way, he'd loved her, but he'd never been in love. He'd never even known the difference - until Olivia had come into his life.

Olivia seemed to follow his thoughts. "Me, I was the opposite. I went through relationships like I was following a list with boxes to be checked off. Certain level of corporate or political access to be used? Check. Not too demanding on my time? Check. It was very safe and very sterile and it left me in control. I could control the ebbs and flows - when to be intimate, when to distance myself for whatever reason. Check, check and check."

They'd came to a small clearing and Olivia stopped walking again, letting go of Fitz's hand and turning to face him. "I know you wanted me to take the time to get my thoughts together - to get my self together - and you did your best to give me a safe place to do it in."

Her smile was a grateful smile, but she'd never know that Fitz saw more of the emotions behind her words than she intended - and she would never know how much his heart ached to hear what she wasn't saying. He didn't need to hear the words to understand that she'd lived her entire adult life without the kind of love that they'd both been waiting and watching for - for forever - without even knowing it existed.

He struggled to find his words. "I didn't - Liv - I - don't - want you to do anything because you think I want you to - this isn't about me…"

"I know that, Fitz." Olivia deliberately didn't let him finish. As much as she loved him for trying - these were her burdens to bear and her fight to fight. "I know. I know that you always have - and that you always will - want the best for me. But one thing that I've learned in my time up here was that for far too long, I didn't even know what that was."

She corrected herself, her words coming out in a rush. "It wasn't even a conscious decision on my part. But I can see now that I didn't want to know what that kind of love was. Long story short - I faced a few hard truths yesterday - and one of those was facing the reason why I showed up in your bedroom a weeping, hysterical mess."

As much as Olivia had thought that she'd prepared herself for this conversation her body reacted with a deep shiver of emotion.

"Something in me broke, Fitz. Something in me shattered and all of the - I don't know -"

She fought with herself to find the words - "… guilt and grief and sadness came spilling out - and it left me feeling terrified and out of control. I couldn't think any more - I couldn't breathe -"

Fitz looked as though he wanted to reach out and take her in his arms but a tiny shake of her head kept him still.

Instead, she wrapped her own arms around herself, hugging herself.

Loving herself.

And finally, accepting herself.

"If you had asked me why before now, I wouldn't have been able to answer you. I would have denied it all. But I've realized now that in the past, it's never been an easy thing for me to be truly intimate with anyone. Keeping myself distant from whomever I was involved with made my life easy - at least that's what I told myself. No matter what I said, inside that's what I really wanted."

Barely noticing, Olivia began pacing in small circles. "I lied to myself and then I rationalized that lie by telling myself that if I didn't care too much, then I couldn't hurt anyone - but now I know that at the same time it meant that if I didn't let anyone get too close, then no one could hurt me. And more than that - if I didn't allow anyone too close, I was the one in control."

"And you needed that control - I get that, Livvie." Fitz's voice was quiet, but carefully encouraging her to continue. "And now?"

He made it so easy to say aloud what she needed to say. "Now I know that shutting myself off isn't being in control emotionally at all. But I don't think that I had ever really recognized what I was doing - and more importantly - why - until I met you."

That admission loosened the tightness in her chest and Olivia stopped pacing. "The first - the only time - I ever admitted to being out of control was to you."

Fitz knew in an instant what she was referring to. "The Rose Garden."

Their smiles met and held.

"The Rose Garden." Olivia's voice softened as the memory resurfaced in her mind. "Before you showed up, that was me admitting to myself about how I was really feeling. And then when you were there - standing right in front of me, that was me being as truthful as I'd ever been with any man.

"I know that I sounded that I was angry with you - but I was more angry with myself. And scared. I was scared more than anything else. That was because I had never ever felt that way about anyone - the way I felt - the way I feel - about you -and that terrified me."

She managed another smile; it was just a tiny one, but it was enough for the both of them. "It still terrifies me sometimes."

Fitz grinned at her; feeling relieved without reason. Their eyes met and without any words being spoken, they knew they were thinking the same thought - that they'd overcome some kind of hurdle without realizing it - and they'd done it together. "Me too."

Relief washed through her and Olivia felt her entire body react, releasing tension she hadn't even realized was there, leaving her feeling all kinds of weak in the knees.

Olivia stepped forward, this time able to accept the love and support he was silently offering. She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath before she slowly leaned forward until her forehead touched his chest.

Her exhale was a shaky one and ended with this - "I want to do better, Fitz - but I don't know if I can. I don't know if I can be what you need."

The world went quiet for a long moment before Olivia felt Fitz's arms come up to hold her and he bent his head to bury his face into her hair. She let out a sigh and felt Fitz do the same.

"Don't you know by now, that you're already everything that I need, Livvie?" He didn't give her a chance to answer, but instead tightened his arms around her. "You've just done something that a lot of people struggle with and fail; you faced your fears and now you want to try and be your best self, am I right?"

Olivia nodded, unable to speak against the sudden tightness of unshed tears in her throat.

"You want to try - that's all any of us should expect from the people that they love - didn't you forgive me for the way I treated you after Defiance?"

Olivia raised her eyes to his.. "That was different - I deserved it."

"No, you didn't." Once again his hand came up to touch her face in as the need to chase the last of her fears away. "That was me being my worst self. That was me letting my own hurt and my own fears control me because Defiance broke something in me too."

Fitz's love for her had no boundaries and no depth - she knew this with a new awareness. Every time he showed her how much, how fully he loved her, Olivia was amazed. How could she not help but brush her lips across his palm before she leaned into the warmth of his touch, letting his words warm them both, more than the clear crisp sunshine that poured over them both?

His words were a balm to her heart. "Never forget this, Livvie - you say that something in you broke - but I think that you're wrong - what happened was more of a break-through. Something in you found the strength to fight back and that's why when you ran - you ran to me."