Chapter 2: The Return of Raditz
DISCLAIMER: The following is a nonprofit fan-based parody. Dragonball, Dragonball Z, and Dragonball GT are all owned by Funimation, Toei animation and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release.
"Dragon Ball Z is the title huh?" Lucy points out to everyone.
The Dragon Slayers heads snap towards the lacrama in anticipation of the dragons.
[Cliche beautiful morning music]
[Raditz's pod falls into a field]
"Is that a spaceship!?" Romeo shouts in excitement eliciting his father to quickly shush him.
Farmer: OH GOD NO. MY MARIJUANA PATCH. I mean, er, my carrot patch. Yeah. [thinking] Yeah, I better do what any sensible American would do in this situation: get my gun.
Everyone wonders what this "America" is wondering if the viewing will explain it.
Wendy raises an eyebrow at what the farmer says. "What's Marijuana?" Wendy naively asks and she wasn't the only one, because Asaka the daughter of Alzack and Bisca wondered the same thing.
The parents and Carla quickly tell them that it's nothing important.
[pod opens]
Pod: Hello and welcome to Earth. With an open bar.
Raditz: [gets out]
Farmer: HOLY CRAP IT'S SONIC THE HEDGEHO– Er, nope, it's an alien. Holy SH*T IT'S AN ALIEN.
"That is a lot of hair on his head," Gajeel comments laughing.
"You're one to talk about long hair," Lily deadpans.
"Shut up!" Gajeel yells blushing hearing Levy laugh next to him.
Raditz: [sets foot down] Finally, on this dead plan– [birds chirp] Wait. What the crap? Did Kakarot screw this up? Oh goddammit I knew we should have sent Turles.
Farmer: Better think of something cool to say to make him stop. [cocks gun] HEY YOU! [thinking] Geeze, farmer, geeze.
Raditz: Aww look at him; he thinks he's people. What's your power level, little human? Five, huh?
Farmer: Protect me, gun! [shoots]
"He was way too nervous shooting that gun," Alzack states, shaking his head. His wife nods her head in agreement. Bisca looks down at her daughter. "Remember sweetheart, to always be level headed when holding a gun."
"Yes, mommy!" Asaka replied.
Raditz: [catches the bullet] HEY, NO. BAD HUMAN. [flicks the bullet at the farmer and it goes through him and the truck]
Farmer: [unintelligible noises]
Raditz: BAD. Now get back up and tell me you're sorry. Human? Humaaaan. [sighs] So this is why dad said I couldn't keep a pool.
Everyone in Fairy Tail glares at the senseless death caused by Raditz.
"I don't like this guy," Happy spoke out loud. Everyone in the guild could only agree with the blue cat.
[Intro theme]
"SO THERE IS FIGHTING!" Natsu jumps up and down ecstatic. Lucy could only groan knowing how hyper he'll be for the next couple of hours.
"Sit down flame-brain! The rest of us are trying to watch!" Gray shouts at Natsu. The Fire Dragon Slayer whips around and gets into Gray's face.
"What was the ice-stripper!?" Natsu shouts back, coating his fist in flames.
"You heard me fire-mouth!" Gray moves his hand into the casting position.
Before anything could happen Erza slams her fist into both of their faces preventing them from fighting. "You two need to behave yourselves before I have to knock some sense into you!" Erza reprimands.
"You already did…." Everyone says mentally.
Piccolo: GOOD OLD WASTELAND. Yup. Sure is some kickass training. Dammit I'm lonely. Might as well check MySpace. No new comments, no friend requests… Dammit… Well, at least I have you, Tom. You're always there for me.
"He's more lonely than Gajeel," Juvia spoke as if it's a fact.
"HUH!?" The Iron Dragon Slayer shouts at her.
Raditz: HEY YOU.
Piccolo: What the hell?
Raditz: ARE YOU KAKAROT? SERIOUSLY; IF YOU ARE, STAY STILL. I NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT KILLING AND SELLING THIS PLANET. IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT. [lands] Oh, wait a second; you're not Kakarot. My bad.
"Yeah, because he looks like so many other people," Gajeel says.
With a troubled look Levy spoke up. "Wait is that racist?"
Piccolo: I've got green skin, pointy ears and a turban. Oh yeah. I must look like so many other people.
Gajeel only shakes his head after hearing Piccolo repeat what he said.
Raditz: Oh, a smartass, ah? I don't appreciate smartasses. Prepare yourself for my signature attack: DOUBLE SUN-
[record scratch]
"Huh?" Everyone says.
Person 1: NO GIVE ME THE MIC.
Person 2: Huh?
[muffled fighting]
Person 2: Here, take it. I'll go practice my Vegeta, ass.
"Well...that was a thing," Lucy says.
Raditz: Then prepare myself for my signature attack: KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BIR– [scouter beeps] Ooh, a higher power level. [takes off]
Piccolo: HEY. What the hell? Weren't you going to kill me?
Raditz: Ah, there we go. Considering the average set by that one green guy and that farmer, the chance of this being Kakarot are… Dah, screw it! I'll just go check.
Piccolo: FINE! GO AHEAD! I didn't want your company anyway. Right Tom?
"That's still really sad," Lisanna spoke up with a sad frown at Piccolo's loneliness.
[scene shifts to Bulma in a helicopter playing Dancing Queen. she enters the Kame House]
Bulma: Hey, I'm here!
Krillin: BOOBS! I mean Bulma! Hi.
All of the women in Fairy Tail frown at Krillin's words.
Wendy looks down at her own chest and sighs in self pity.
Bulma: O…kay… How's it going?
Master Roshi: I'm drinkin' OJ! Now it's apple juice! Now it's beer! Yay, beer! [takes a long drink]
Cana glares at the viewing in jealousy. "I would kill a man for that power!" Cana states angrily.
The fellow drunks of the guild only nodded in agreement.
Krillin: So where's Yamcha?
Bulma: I think the bastard's cheating on me!
Krillin: Why do you say that?
[flashback]
Yamcha: BULMA! IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE! Oh, okay, so it's what it looks like. Can I still live here? Please? Before this, I was living in the desert. Oh, and have you changed Puar's litterbox yet?
Puar: I made boomboom!
The more immature members laughed at the bit. While the more mature members felt bad for Bulma that Yamcha had cheated on her.
"I know my darling Gray would never cheat on me!" Juvia states happily while holding onto Gray.
"Get off me!"
[present]
Krillin: Are you serious? Yamcha? Oh that is so out of char– So you're single then?
[Goku arrives outside with Gohan]
Goku: Hey guys!
Bulma: Goku!
Krillin: Tail! Wait, what?
Goku: [laughs and waves]
"Woah! I want a tail!" Happy yells excitedly.
"You already have a tail," Carla deadpans.
"Oh yeah," Happy laughs embarrassed.
Bulma: Goku, I can't help but notice that five year old you're carrying…
Krillin: Just because we picked you up in the middle of the woods when you were a kid doesn't mean you can go around stealing children.
"I feel like we're missing some context here," Erza says out loud.
Goku: Uhh, okay. This is actually my son.
[pan shot of Krillin, Bulma and Master Roshi being shocked with Shamalan shopped in]
Shamalan: What a twist!
Bulma: Oh, wow! I guess this finally means, you know…
Goku: Know what?
Master Roshi: You know, bow chicka wow wow.
Goku: What are those noises you're making?
[Master Roshi and Bulma look terrified. Internally: OH MY GOD, HE'S A PARENT!]
"Yup, that's Natsu," Everyone says at the same time.
The Fire Dragon Slayer stares at everyone in shock. "I know where babies come from!" Natsu replied in anger. Lisanna giggles hearing this.
"Where?" Lucy asks him.
"They're hatched from eggs," Natsu answers.
Lucy along with everyone else just face palms.
Krillin: So when's the little guy going to start training?
Goku: Actually, Chichi is making him study. She wants him to grow up and be… What's it called?
Krillin: A responsible and productive member of society?
Levy looks down at her stomach, hoping the same for her child.
Goku: Yeah, lame; that's it! Hey, son, comere! Stop playing with that turtle! We don't need people saying things.
"Awww, but he looked so cute playing with the turtle," Mira whines as she watches Gohan make his way back to Goku. The other girls in the guild happily agree.
Bulma: Hey, is that a Dragonball on his head? Doesn't that sort of make him a target for villains that might want him?
"I'm going to assume that's happened to them a lot already," Gray spoke up.
Even without the context nobody could disagree with Gray.
Goku: Aw, come on; I beat Piccolo. I'm strong enough to beat anyone who– HOLY BLACK ON A POPO! WHAT IS THAT?
Master Roshi: What's wrong?
Goku: I just felt a power level bigger than… than… Krillin's losing streak!
Krillin: You know, you guys are the reason I go to therapy…
"Might be more sad than Piccolo right there," Romeo comments.
Goku: [thinking] He's…getting closer…
Krillin: Shouldn't we grab Gohan and put him insid– Son of a…
[Raditz lands]
"I wonder why they didn't do that?" Wendy asks.
Romeo turns towards her. "I'm guessing that they just weren't fast enough to do it."
Raditz: It took me a while to get here, but I finally found you, Kakarot.
Goku: What?
Raditz: That's right; that's your name.
Goku: What?
Raditz: The name you were given before we sent you to this planet.
Goku: What?
Raditz: You…hit your head as a child, didn't you?
Goku: What?
[A flashback of Goku hitting his head as a baby]
Fairy Tail winces.
"That's definitely Natsu," Gray points out. Natsu turns around to throw back an insult, but is quickly silenced by Erza's glare.
Raditz: Oh for god's sakes, listen. You were sent here as a child to take over the planet. You're part of a dead race of intergalactic super warriors called the Saiyans and, to top off this expositional onslaught, I am your brother.
"WHAT!?" Everyone screams in alarm.
"Sent to wipe out all humans," Makarov wipes some sweat off his forehead.
"For a species to send babies on murder quests is unforgivable," Erza shakes in contained anger.
Everyone else yells in agreement.
Krillin: So you're his brother, huh? Wow, that must mean you'll be involved in a lot of future events, right? Right?
"I doubt that," Gajeel said.
[Raditz slaps him with his tail into the house]
[Krillin owned count 1]
"Oh no! I hope he's alright!" Wendy's voice rang out with worry.
"I'm sure he's fine Wendy," Carla tries to calm her down.
Goku: Hey, stop hitting Krillin!
Raditz: Why?
Goku: Because you're breaking Kame house!
"Great concern for your friend Goku," Levy says with a sweatdrop.
Goku: So, what are you here for? The Dragonballs?
"The dragon's what?" Natsu questions.
Raditz: The…dragon's what now?
Goku: The Dragonballs, you know? There are seven of them. They grant you any wish you want. Like immortality.
Oolong: Or Bulma's panties
"Pervert…" Lucy spoke with disdain as she and the other females glared at the pig.
"Did Goku really just explain something like that to the bad guy?" Gray asked.
"Yes, he did," Erza answered.
Nappa: Hey Vegeta. Did you hear that?
Vegeta: Oh yes. We're totally going to Earth to get our wish.
Nappa: Yeah, were going to get panties! …I mean immortality. Immortality Is what I meant. Right Vegeta?
Vegeta: …Just get in the damn pod.
Erza could already feel a headache coming.
Raditz: No. I'm here for you, Kakarot.
Goku: So, what are we going to do? See a ball game? Catch a movie?
Raditz: We're going to kill everyone on the planet and then sell it for profit to an alien overlord who may or may not have destroyed our own planet.
"That doesn't sound very fun at all," Happy's ears flop down sad.
Natsu jumps up. "KICK HIS BUTT GOKU!"
Goku: Oh, well, uh… I sorta like people here. So, with all due respect… [Raditz hits him and sends him into the beach]
Natsu falls down to the ground dejected.
Gohan: Daddy!
Raditz: I'll be taking this. Yoink! [takes off with Gohan]
Goku: Quick, somebody stop him…
[crickets chirp]
"REALLY!?" Everyone shouts in shock.
Goku: Dammit Krillin!
Krillin: Hey! I was bitchslapped through a house! What's your excuse?
Goku: I was kneed in the stomach!
"Yeah, because that would totally stop you from saving your own damn kid," Gajeel growls out. Levy rubs his back and hands him some metal to calm him down.
Piccolo: You guys are pathetic. [everyone is shocked] Wha-?
Goku: Aw geeze. Hey look. I know you totally want to kill me and all, but today's kind of a bad day. My brother just showed up, turns out I'm an alien and he stole my kid.
Piccolo: Oh yeah. I was watching that. That was priceless! [laughs] Sorry for your loss.
"At least he apologized…" Lucy drawls out.
Goku: Yeah. Anyway. Wanna help me get him back?
Piccolo: Why?
Goku: I'll friend you on MySpace.
Piccolo: [thinking] Tom, you've been replaced.
[credits]
"Alright now we got a badass team up!" Natsu and Happy scream in delight.
"I kinda feel bad for Tom tho," Lisanna says.
Master Roshi: Now it's a Nestle Crunch bar! Now it's a gummy bear! Now it's Nappa!
Nappa: Wait, what the hell?
"That was weird," Gray says aloud.
Mira walks up to the lacrama. "Do you guys wanna start episode 2?" She asks already knowing the answer.
"YEAH!" The majority yells out.
"We gotta see them save Gohan from Goku's evil brother!" Natsu pumps his fist.
Everyone agrees with the boy and is ready to watch the fight.
"Alright then, let's start it up!"
Chapter ends