NOTE: I hope you enjoy. Any tips on writing the characters to help me improve is welcomed. Also, in what order should I write some of the movies, since they don't exactly align with the main story?

Chapter 5: Snakeway to Heaven

(Scene opens up with a full view of Snake Way.)

NARRATOR: Last time on Dragon Ball Z Abridged... Goku began his journey down Snake Way. ...Wait is that some kind of innuendo?

"Really...we're using low brow humor now?" Lucy asked with a raised eyebrow.

"You're acting as if they already haven't been, Lucy" Cana tells her.

"True."

(Goku is seen running down Snake Way.)

GOKU: (in his thoughts) This is going to be the longest, toughest journey I've ever made! I have to receive King Kai's training, and battle the biggest threat to the planet we've ever faced! I have to run as fast as I can—I have to keep running! For the sake of the Earth, humanity, and my fam—

(Camera cuts to a sleeping Goku on a moving cleanup truck. The truck bumps into something, causing Goku to fall off Snake Way and down into the clouds.)

"He actually fell asleep and fell into hell…" Gray face palms at Goku's stupidity.

"You were right Gray," Juvia says.

(Opening sequence with Goku's scream fading out, which resumes at the end of the sequence.)

(Scene changes to a screaming Goku falling straight into the depths of Hell.)

GOKU: AAAAAAHHHHH—

(Goku crashes hard onto the floor.)

GOKU: (in pain) Oowwww…

The Fairy Tail mages take in the scenery of hell.

"Huh, not as much fire and chaos than I thought there would be," Mira says to herself.

GOZ: Oh who do we have here? A little girly man, yeah?

"Uhhhhhh…."

GOKU: I'm Goku. Who are you?

GOZ: I am Goz.

MEZ: And I am Mez.

GOZ & MEZ: Und we are here to pump (camera cuts to a surprised Goku while a clapping sound is heard) you up!

"I'm confused," both Wendy and Romeo said at the same time.

"J-just ignore it for now," Carla and Macao tell the teens.

GOKU: (disturbed) Okay... well I'm sorta—

GOZ: (interrupting) First we are going to do a hundred squats!

MEZ: And then lots of push-ups on the hard ground!

GOZ: And then a bunch of jumping jacks! Ooooooooo!

"That sounds like fun!" Natsu jumps out of his seat and begins to do push-ups.

Lucy stops him quickly before he could accidentally break something.

GOKU: (even more disturbed) That...sounds like...fun. But I'm sort of in a hurry? How do I get out of here?

MEZ: 'Agh, there's no way out of here; unless you manage to beat us in a test of strength and speed.

GOZ: Yeah, lots of running, 'und wrestling, 'und 'sveat!

MEZ: Grappling each other on 'ze cold ground, yeah.

Wendy and Romeo recoil back a bit from the two "eccentric" ogers.

GOKU: (desperate to avoid this) Okay, now let's say we went through all of that, then where would you say the exit is?

GOZ: (points towards the exit) Oh. It's right over 'zere.

MEZ: Ja, but you have to beat us first, and—(sees Goku running off) Ach! He's running away!

"You have to be another breed of stupid to let someone like Goku or Salamander out smart you," Gajeel states. Everyone else nods their heads in agreement.

Natsu jumps at him in anger. "What's that supposed to mean huh you shit musician!"

"What the hell did you just say you idiot fire breather!?" Gajeel yells back, also jumping at Natsu.

"QUIET!"

Erza punched both in the face sending them spiraling into the opposite sides of the guild hall.

Everyone else ignores them and continues watching the show.

GOKU: (stops running and turns around) Oh, before I go, have you seen my brother Raditz around here? Spiky hair, tail?

MEZ: Agh, yes, he made a horrible mess of 'ze Blood Fountain.

"It doesn't look that bad to me," Wendy says with an innocent look on her face.

GOKU: (looks at the Blood Fountain) Looks fine to me.

GOZ: (angrily) IT USED TO BE 'VATER!

"Oh" Wendy squeaked. The innocent look replaced with disgust.

GOKU: Wow. Well, I'm going now! By the way, thanks for the fruit! (reveals a fruit he took from the tree)

MEZ: (horrified as he watches Goku eat the fruit) Agh! He has a piece of 'ze fruit! Agh, nein! Don't eat 'ze fruit! Don't eat 'ze fruit!

GOKU: (finishes eating the fruit) Bye! (leaves)

GOZ: Oh, now we can't make 'ze fruit salad for King Yemma's barbeque!

MEZ: Yeah, 'und Dabura's going to bring something totally kickass, 'und we will have nothing, 'und WE WILL LOOK LIKE FOOLS!

GOZ: Ugh, I am so mad!

MEZ: Yeah, let us go 'vork off our stress by doing squat thrusts 'und stretches.

GOZ: Yeah, 'zen we'll do grappling in our speedos.

MEZ: I'll grab 'ze oil. (they both walk off)

"I am so glad that's over," Romeo breaths out with relief. Wendy nods her head quickly in agreement.

(Scene shift to Earth at nighttime.)

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, back on Earth... Now that's got to be some kind of innuendo.

Lucy rolls her eyes.

(Camera pans upward on a plateau, with a frightened Gohan looking down from the top as a wolf howls from a distance.)

"HOW DID HE GET UP THERE!?" Mira screams in worry. Lisanna just rubs her sister's back in comfort.

GOHAN: I can't believe Piccolo left me out here all alone! How am I supposed to get down from here?

PICCOLO: (offscreen) CLIIIIMB DOWWWWWWWN!

GOHAN: I can't even get any food or water! What should I do?

PICCOLO: (offscreen) I SAID, CLIIIIMB DOWWWWWWWN!

"Does Gohan really not hear him?" Juvia concernedly asks.

Levy shrugs her shoulders. "Selective hearing I guess."

GOHAN: If only I had some sticks or reeds lying around, I could make a makeshift ladder, or a rope...

(Piccolo screams offscreen in frustration.)

"He's way too sheltered," Cana comments.

(Scene shift to Kami's Lookout.)

KAMI: You have all come to train on my lookout. But since I am quite old, I shall leave you in the capable hands of Mr. Popo. (begins to walk inside the lookout) Mr. Popo, you know what to do...

MR. POPO: Yes, Kami.

(Camera changes to Mr. Popo looking at Krillin, Tien holding Chiaotzu, Yamcha, and Yajirobe as a sound of a door slamming can be heard.)

The mages tense up with Popo now on the screen.

MR. POPO: Alright maggots, listen up! Popo's about to teach you the Pecking Order!

(screen goes black)

MR. POPO: It goes: You (show a text "YOU"), the dirt (shows dirt), the worms inside of the dirt (shows a group of worms), Popo's stool (shows a black censored box, literally not meaning a type of seat), Kami (shows Kami), then Popo (shows Mr. Popo's eyes on top). Any questions?

"That...was very disturbing," Lucy chokes out. Some of the others who weren't currently sick to the stomach or terrified nodded in agreement.

KRILLIN: Um, yeah I—(cut to an outside shot of Kami's lookout as a punching sound can be heard, followed by a black dot falling off said lookout)

KRILLIN: (as he falls off the lookout) GGGAAAAAA... (scream fades out)

(Krillin Owned Count: 3)

"Poor Krillin," Wendy says in pity.

MR. POPO: Enjoy the climb back up, BITCH! Now, any more questions? (everyone remains silent) Good, then we can begin.

Levy writes down in her notepad in bold letters, "DON'T ASK POPO QUESTIONS."

(Scene changes to Goku running on Snake Way.)

GOKU: Okay! No more diversions! This is really important! No more sidetr— (notices a house) Oooh a house!

(Goku stops running and looks at the front entrance)

GOKU: (in his thoughts) Is that a snake?

(Snake-house sucks Goku inside its mouth.)

GOKU: ...EEEEEEEEEEEEEE—

"WHAT!?"

"A house that eats people!?" Lucy screams in fright.

(Goku falls through an open door from the ceiling and hits his back on the the floor, causing him to scream in pain.)

(Cuts to a black screen, with a sound effect from Metal Gear Solid's intermission playing, and then a screen opens up, which is a reference to a Codec conversation in "Metal Gear Solid".)

SERVANT: Princess Snake! you have a visitor!

PRINCESS SNAKE: Ah, perfect... Now let me assess the situation from here…

Erza glared at Princess Snake. "I don't trust this woman," Erza growls out.

(Princess Snake looks out a window and notices Goku talking to a servant)

PRINCESS SNAKE: Well, he's quite the hunk of man-meat! But what's with the hair?

"I like his hair," Erza says quietly to herself.

(Door opens and shows Princess Snake and two servants walking towards Goku.)

PRINCESS SNAKE: (in her thoughts) I just love this fur coat! Especially since I killed all the animals for it myself!

The Exceeds feel a chill run down their spines.

GOKU: Huh? You don't look like you're King Kai.

Gray rolls his eyes.

"What tipped you off Goku?" Gray asks sarcastically.

PRINCESS SNAKE: (blushes) What? Did my magnificent breasts tip you off?

Wendy sulks far into her seat.

GOKU: (confused) W-what?

PRINCESS SNAKE: Nothing. Are you hungry?

GOKU: Yeah! I could eat anything right now!

PRINCESS SNAKE: Me too…

Erza's menacing aura increases, making Wendy and Carla scoot away from her.

GOKU: What?

PRINCESS SNAKE: Nothing! Take a seat!

(Scene shifts to a table filled with steaming food.)

PRINCESS SNAKE: I killed everything here with my bare hands. Including the bear hands—It's a PUN!

Nobody laughed.

(Goku is seen chowing down on the food.)

GOKU: (with his mouth full) I can't believe you took all this down yourself!

PRINCESS SNAKE: I wanna take YOU down…

The dark aura continued to grow in size.

GOKU: What?

PRINCESS SNAKE: Nothing! Get in the hot tub!

(Scene changes to Goku taking a bath in a hot tub filled with red water.)

GOKU: Wow, this water's really nice!

(A cardboard box slowly moves behind Goku.)

PRINCESS SNAKE: (spying at Goku from inside the box) Not as nice as your ass!

Erza grabs Happy and begins to hug him tightly as a stress reliever.

Happy's face starts turning purple. Lucy and Natsu(Who finally regained consciousness) try to remove Happy from her grip.

(An exclamation mark appears above Goku's head, along with the alert sound effect from "Metal Gear Solid" playing.)

GOKU: Huh?

(Princess Snake quickly moves out of the screen in her cardboard box.)

(Scene changes to Goku entering Princess Snake's castle, fully dressed.)

GOKU: Well, thanks for the food and stuff, but I've got to get to King Kai!

PRINCESS SNAKE: (runs behind Goku) No! First you must pass the test of... endurance!

Erza punches the table in front of her smashing it to pieces.

GOKU: What's that mean?

PRINCESS SNAKE: It means I want you... (blushes and covers part of her face with her fur coat) inside me!

GOKU: (completely clueless) What do you mean?

PRINCESS SNAKE: You'll see...

(Scene changes to Goku flying away from Princess Snake in her snake form, with the "Encounter" music from Metal Gear Solid playing.)

Erza sighs in relief that it wasn't what she expected and sits back down in peace.

Everyone else is still shaking in fear at the woman's explosive temper.

GOKU: Aaaaaahhhh!

PRINCESS SNAKE: Hah! Total supplication! (breathes fires at Goku)

GOKU: Whaaaaa! Stop chasing me!

(Princess Snake tries to bite Goku but Goku flies out of the way)

PRINCESS SNAKE: (makes grunting noises)

GOKU: Stop grunting—it's creepy!

Natsu nods his head in agreement with Goku. The snake woman creeped them all out.

PRINCESS SNAKE: Wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka.

GOKU: (simultaneously as Princess Snake is saying "wakka") Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa—(notices meat) Ooo! (stops moving and eats meat)

"That's something that Natsu would do," Lucy sighs.

Natsu looks offended. "I wouldn't get distracted that easily."

Happy points over to the bar counter. "Hey, Natsu, look there's food!"

"WHERE!?"

Everyone laughs at Natsu falling for the trick, causing the fire dragon slayer to blush in embarrassment.

(Scene changes to a wasteland at nighttime. Piccolo is watching Gohan from the sky as he is still stuck on top of a plateau.)

"Gohan is still up there?" Mira asks impatiently. She really wishes she could save the boy herself.

PICCOLO: Oh for god's sake, now he's just standing there looking at the moon like a retarded puppy!

Mira growls angrily at Piccolo.

(camera zooms out and shows Gohan looking at a full moon) I was trying to teach him to fend for himself, but nooo, (Gohan begins his transformation into a Ōzaru) he has to be a WEAK, DEFENSELESS LITTLE—(finally noticing Gohan's transformation) Wait, is he getting bigger?

Fairy Tail is frozen in shock at Gohan's transformation into a giant ape.

(Gohan fully transforms into an Ōzaru and holds up a barrel, with the theme of "Donkey Kong" playing.)

PICCOLO: (surprised) Okay, that's new! (in his thoughts) Wait a second, that tail! (remembers Goku and Raditz's conversation) His Saiyan blood! Does this mean... (out loud extremely quickly) Everyone of Gohan's race can become a giant gorilla!

Levy begins scribbling down in her notepad about Saiyan biology and why they transform.

"This must be why they cut off Goku's tail then!" Lucy exclaimed, finally figuring it out. But, Romeo still looked confused.

"If that's the case, why didn't Goku and Chichi remove Gohan's?" Romeo asks.

Levy looks up from her notepad. "I can only guess that they just didn't know about it, so they never saw the need to remove it."

(Ōzaru Gohan shoots a mouth beam, destroying some terrain.)

PICCOLO: Damn it, if he destroys everything, what will be left for me?!

"IS THAT REALLY YOUR MAIN CONCERN AT THE MOMENT!?" Everyone screamed at Piccolo.

(Piccolo stares at the moon while Ōzaru Gohan continues to cause destruction offscreen.)

PICCOLO: (shoots a ki blast at the moon, destroying it) STOP MOCKING ME!

"HE BLEW UP THE MOON!?"

Levy stutters in disbelief. "B-But that would cause so many environmental issues that it won't even matter if the saiyans kill everyone!" Levy yells. Gajeel(who also regained consciousness) tries to calm her down.

(Ōzaru Gohan shrinks, with the "Super Mario" sound effect of going down a pipe playing, and reverts to his human form, naked (which a Dragonball is censoring), and falls down unconscious.)

"At least Gohan's back to normal," Wendy chuckles nervously.

PICCOLO: (lands next to Gohan) Hah! Take that, Moon! Perfect orbit, my ass! And— (looks at Gohan) Huh? Where'd the monkey go? Well, he's back to normal. (notices Gohan's "male jewels") Oh God, what the hell is that thing? Well, whatever it is, I don't like looking at it.

"Does he not know what the male anatomy is?" Gray asks aloud.

"Well, Goku did say that Piccolo's father spat him out, so we can guess that his species are aesexual," Levy explains.

This either. (pulls off Gohan's tail) Now... CLOTHES BEAM! (fires a beam at Gohan, giving him a new pair of clothes and a sword) That is easily my most metro attack.

"A clothes beam would be such a wonderful spell to have," Lucy said with a bit of jealousy. With the amount of times her clothes have been shredded off or melted off, a clothes beam would be appreciated.

Erza doesn't share the same sentiment. "I already have requip magic, so a clothes beam would be redundant."

(Scene changes to Goku once again running on Snake Way.)

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, back on Snake Way...

GOKU: Man, that was close! Sure am glad I got away from that giant snake lady!

(Scene cut to Princess Snake tangled up in a knot.)

PRINCESS SNAKE: (grunts, trying to break free, but no avail) AAAAAAGGHHH!

(scream echos as the screen fades to black, showing the "Game Over" screen from Metal Gear Solid with its theme also playing)

SERVANT: Princess Snake? Princess Snake? PRINCESS SNAAAKE!

(ending sequence)

Erza smiles evilly. "At least that annoying snake is finally taken care of."

[STINGER]

(Scene shows Piccolo with an unconscious Gohan.)

PICCOLO: Yep, and once again wanton destruction has solved all of my problems! With absolutely no negative repercussions!

(Scene changes to Kame House.)

REPORTER: We've got breaking news that the Earth's moon has been completely destroyed. While the long-term environmental effects can only be guessed at, preliminary speculation puts the short-term death toll from tidal effects alone, at the hundreds of millions. We now go to our resident expert on lunar science, Sailor Moon. Sailor?

SAILOR MOON: (getting shocked) OH DEAR GOD!

REPORTER: Thanks, Sailor! We now return you to Nick at Nite's 24-hour Full House Marathon, already in progress.

Levy jumps up, pointing at the lacrama.

"I TOLD YOU!"

"Yeah, yeah squirt."

(Camera turns black. Scene changes to outer space, where Vegeta and Nappa's Space Pods are seen flying through space and passes a few planets.)

NAPPA: Hey, Vegeta.

VEGETA: What?

NAPPA: Are we there yet?

VEGETA: No.

NAPPA: Are we there yet?

VEGETA: No.

NAPPA: Are we there yet?

VEGETA: No.

NAPPA: Are we there yet?

VEGETA: No.

NAPPA: Are we there yet?

VEGETA: No.

NAPPA: Are we there yet?

VEGETA: No.

Lucy's eye twitches in suppressed annoyance. "Happy does that way too much."

Chapter End