House was quiet for the next two days, choosing one night to stay in his apartment rather than Marius' house. He'd called from work and told them where he was going, explained that what had happened with Lucius was a big deal and he needed some time alone to think about it. Marius was concerned but agreed with the caveat that House call again in the morning once he was at work.

House played the piano for hours as he thought about what had happened with Lucius, the ongoing trouble with Wilson, the idea of an alternate master. It was so much to handle, and the paradigm shift from thinking himself worthless to considering himself worthy was such a large leap that he was having trouble wrapping his mind around it. He could still feel the welts the caning had left on his ass, better with treatment, but still sore and an ever present reminder. Finally, around three in the morning, he went to bed and managed to sleep for a few hours.

He was late to work, the first time in quite a while, but Cuddy seemed to sense the confusion he was feeling and simply told him not to get back into the habit. After checking with the team and getting some coffee, he called Marius.

"Thank you for calling," Marius said. "Did you manage to get any sleep?"

"A few hours. Got here late but the boss lady gave me a pass."

"Good. How are you doing?"

"Still having a lot of trouble. It's a big shift."

"Yes, it is. Do you want to talk about it yet?"

"Not… not with you. Not yet. Nothing personal," he hurried to say, worried that Marius might take offense at that. "Just… this is something that I need to sort out."

"I understand. And that applies to Lucius as well? He's very concerned that he pushed you too far."

"No. I mean, yeah, I don't want to talk to Lucius yet either but… tell him… tell him it's okay. He gave me plenty of chances to safeword out. I thought hard about doing that and didn't so, some part of me was ready. Just can't find that part right now."

"Alright. I'll let him know that. Keep calling us. When you get home, before you go to sleep, when you get to work in the morning. We're worried for you."

"I get that. I have an appointment with Nolan this afternoon. I'm going to talk about it with him. I'll call you when I get back from that."

"Drive safely, and don't forget to eat something. And no, coffee doesn't count."

House chuckled. "I'll go bug Wilson to buy me a late breakfast."

After badgering Wilson into buying him food, House read the latest medical journal until it was time to leave for his appointment with Nolan. He got there about ten minutes early, sitting in the waiting area until the current patient left.

"Dr. House, come in," Nolan said, greeting him with a smile. "Coffee?"

"Please."

Nolan poured two cups of coffee, gave one to House and settled across from him in his chair. "So how has your week been?"

House snorted. "Lots of changes this week."

"Where would you like to start?"

"Well, Wilson is still in denial about everything that was said. No big surprise there. We're in our standard pretend it never happened and go on like before mode. I did try to bring it up with him but he froze me out with some made up appointment."

"Not much you can do there until he's willing to discuss it again. I'm glad you did try to bring it up with him though."

"Yeah." House fiddled with the coffee cup for a moment before sighing and setting it aside.

"How is Marius doing?"

"Good, PT exercises have started, and his pain levels are down."

"I'm pleased to hear that."

"Lucius brought another master over for dinner this week," House offered.

"Another master?" Nolan asked, surprised as he was still getting used to the idea of House in this relationship. "Why?"

"He said that all of us subs should have some other master who could step in if… if the worst were to happen. So he's reaching out to some of the other masters he knows to try to find one that's the right fit. The one this week was a total disaster."

"How so?"

"First of all he knew all about me. Not good. Second, he asked Marius, right in front of me and my cane, if his injury was permanent. Strike two. He just was a little too superior, you know? There was no way I would ever let him near me, let him do to me what Marius and Lucius do," House said, shaking his head resolutely.

"And what did Lucius and Marius think of him?"

"Lucius apologized for the remark about the leg and said he wasn't a good fit. That he'd keep looking for someone else who was a good fit."

"Good. They want to make sure that whoever this backup person is, that your needs are met with him."

"Backup person. It's kind of like appointing a guardian for your children. Maybe we can refer to this person as a 'godmaster'," House smirked.

Nolan chuckled and shook his head. "How do you feel about the idea?"

"I don't know," House hedged, fiddling with his cane. "Glad in one way and don't want to do it in the other."

"Okay, what part of it are you glad about?"

House licked his lips and looked away for a long moment. Nolan didn't push him; he could see that he was marshalling his thoughts, not avoiding the question.

"When Marius was in the OR and then in the ICU, all I could think about was what happened to me if he died. Wilson would say I was being selfish for thinking that," he added sourly. "But after years of nothing but black days and pain, Marius brought something good into my life. And just like that, it was in danger of being gone. I was afraid that if he died, it was back to black days and pain only this time it would be worse because I really knew what better things were out there to be had."

"And you stayed with Lucius?"

"Yeah. He stepped into Marius' place and role. He's not the same as Marius but … I like him now and I feel fully taken care of and cared for by him. But the accident made Lucius think about making contingency plans, so… we're have dinner tryouts for godmasters."

"And you don't want to do it because?"

"I don't want anyone but who I've got right now."

Nolan nodded, understanding that feeling.

"Because you don't need anyone else?"

"Because every time we add a person, the dynamics change. And I like the way they are now and I don't want them to change."

"It would be good to have some time without crises going on to simply experience and enjoy the relationships you've built with them," Nolan confirmed and House nodded.

"What else is on your mind this week?" Nolan asked, seeing that House was still debating something with himself.

"I'm going to tell you something about how this whole relationship works and how it can be good for more than just sexual gratification. Don't judge me and don't make any conclusions on it until I'm done. Deal?"

"Deal."

"After the guy left, Lucius figured out that I was missing being with Marius so he took me to his room and we had a session. A long one. It started out just a normal session; pleasure, some pain, a little humiliation in the process."

"What kind of humiliation?"

House grimaced. "Having me lay naked over his lap while he… spanked my ass."

"Okay," Nolan said, cautiously. "I'm sorry; may I ask questions while you tell what happened or withhold them for the end?"

House thought about that one for second. "Ask them as they come up, I don't want to get bombard with a whole flock of them at once."

"Thank you. Why did he choose that method?"

"Because he likes it for one thing. Finds it arousing. He said that I knew in my head that I didn't lose Marius and the clan, but that I needed to know it in my heart and body. I didn't want to do it, not at all."

"Did you?" Nolan asked carefully. This was a major concern of his about House's relationship with these two men; whether they would give him the right to withhold consent.

"Yeah. Lucius reminded me that this was a master/sub relationship. Either do as he said or safeword out of it."

"And if you took the safeword option?"
"He'd stop," House answered simply. "Probably have to then sit and talk about not only the first issue but why I wanted to stop, yada yada. Whatever. I asked him to explain why he wanted me to do it. He said it had the same effect as physical exercise, hard exercise. Cathartic if you push yourself to your limits and maybe just a little farther. Then he offered me another chance to safeword out. I didn't," he said, still looking somewhat puzzled by his choice.

"What happens during this type of session? I mean, does he just spank you? Does he talk with you?" Nolan interjected, really wanting to fully understand this since whatever happened during this event clearly meant a great deal to House.

"No, it's not just spanking. Not with them anyway. There's always a purpose or lesson. This week's lesson was about fear and vulnerability. Brought to you by the letter L and the number 2," he added facetiously, making Nolan laugh.

"Fear and vulnerability. Alright. I can see where that situation would easily conjure both of those emotions. What did you confront in the process?"

"I always thought that being vulnerable was something bad. Something to be avoided at all costs. That if people saw you vulnerable they would hurt you; physically, emotionally or both. Pretty much every time, I got hurt. Really badly a few times," House said, tilting his head back and looking up at the ceiling for a long moment.

"After the crane collapse, I was in a really bad place. I fought so hard for Hannah to keep her leg and get out whole, like I fought to keep my own. And then I had to convince her to let me amputate her leg to save her life. The same as they wanted to do for me. I told her that I was wrong; that I should have let them. I don't know to this day if I was lying to convince her or if part of me really believes that. Her husband was waiting and went in the ambulance with us. She threw a fat embolism. I held her hand and stared into her eyes and watched her die as her husband had her other hand and was screaming for me to do something. There was nothing I could do. She was DOA at the ER.

"I felt so guilty. Did me wanting her to keep her leg because I'd wanted to keep mine leave her there too long? Did I kill her? If felt like Amber all over again. Everyone at the hospital was too stressed out from all the victims to really look at me. Foreman tried, of all people. But I couldn't accept it. Didn't want to be comforted and told that even in the OR under the best conditions, amputations can result in fat embolisms and nothing can be done. Wilson wasn't around, or Cuddy. So I went home, feeling like a monster, thinking that I should just die too and maybe that would go toward making things equal somehow.

"I broke into my last stash of vicodin, two full bottles, and was about to down them all. And then I actually heard Marius' voice in my head, telling me that if I ever needed an anchor to call him. I didn't know if it was an hallucination or providence but I got my phone, used call assist to call his pub. Good thing he answered the phone because I could barely speak. Just croaked out, 'I need an anchor.' And he came.

"I was as vulnerable that night as I was when I agreed to come to Mayfield. He didn't know me, we'd only met once and talked for maybe fifteen minutes. But he never hesitated. Didn't lay any conditions on me. No 'I told you so' lectures. It was the first time I'd ever felt really cared about in that state. Not that you didn't take care of me, but… he cared for me and about me. Personally."

"I understand the difference, you don't have to explain," Nolan reassured him quietly. He was stunned that House had willingly opened up like this and didn't want to do anything to break the mood.

"So, I didn't want to get spanked because, well I am a grown man, and it is a vulnerable position. Face down, under his physical control. He asked me what was good about being vulnerable. And that was it; when Marius came to help me the night I planned to overdose. That's been what a lot of the work Marius has done with me has been about too. Getting naked, allowing him to touch me everywhere and anywhere. Willingly making myself vulnerable to him. And finding out that I could trust him. The idea of being vulnerable is still scary as shit but… i've got a positive to hold out against all the negative shit in my head."

"That's good. Hold on tightly to it every time the negative comes up."

House got up and went to the coffee pot, refilling his cup and offering some to Nolan, who nodded and handed over his cup.

"Lucius decided to offer me the chance to look harder at it. Try to get to the root of something that's been a problem for years now."

"Which is?"

"Feeling unworthy."

"What method did he want you to try?"

"He offered me the chance to safeword and I refused it. You should know that up front. I was curious and wanted to know if it would work. I thought that if it did, the gain would be worth anything he might do."

"Potentially," Nolan hesitantly agreed, knowing that what was coming must be what House feared being judged for.

"He had me lean over a foam wedge made for bondage over the end of the bed. Cuffed my wrists to to it and used his feet to keep my legs apart. And he put a cockstrap on me," he added, glancing up at Nolan hesitantly.

Nolan nodded; nothing surprising or alarming so far.

"So he used a flexible cane. He'd give me a stripe and ask me a question. A decent, truthful answer and he'd reward that with sexual pleasure. Avoidance, either by deflection, denial or just hesitating too long, brought additional cane strokes."

Nolan pursed his lips as he thought carefully how to proceed. He didn't want House to shut down again when he was being so open here today but he was concerned about him being caned for answers.

"Have you thought about why he used caning in conjunction with questions? Did he tell you why?"

"Yeah. Getting spanked by hand hurt. He's strong, it hurt. It hurt just enough to make me frustrated and angry. Reckless in just saying things, sometimes to mouth off and sometimes to answer his questions. But getting caned… that hurt a lot right from the get go. More than I thought it would. It's so sharp and shocking that it takes your breath away, makes you tuck your ass in, rock up on the balls of your feet trying to get away from the fire. It made it really hard to organize my thoughts, to plan out what to say and how much to say. And he was relentless. Somehow he knows when there's still an answer to be had. He followed the same pattern, smack when he asks a question, sexual reward for a good answer.

"It doesn't take long, maybe three or four cane strokes for it to hurt enough that you really want to answer," he acknowledge with a half smile. "You'd like him, I think. He follows you right down your own rabbit hole for the answers you didn't even know you had. The longer it goes on, the deeper he digs into the reasons behind your thinking, and the more it hurts. Your whole psyche becomes unguarded and it's like… it was like listening to my subconscious answer his questions instead of me."

"Did you gain insight from it? Into your own feelings and perceptions?" Nolan asked, still unsure about this unorthodox treatment method.

"I did. I'm still sorting through it. At first he asked me the same question over and over. 'What made me unworthy to join the clan when he and Marius had already accepted me?' I'd give an answer, he'd refute it and ask me again. Then we got to the last reason I had."

"What was it?" Nolan asked when House lapsed into silence.

"That I was crippled," he answered. "And how much self-loathing I have because of it."

"Did he refute that?"

"It's true, I am crippled. But he didn't accept it as a reason. He helped me realize that being crippled wasn't my fault. It was the doctors who misdiagnosed me and the surgeon that mangled my leg that were to blame."

"Yes, that's very true."

"So when he asked me one more time why I thought I wasn't worthy… I didn't have any more reasons. I finally said that there wasn't a reason why I wasn't worthy."

Nolan relaxed and nodded, now appreciating the path that Lucius took, although it was a rare patient for whom this method would work.

"So that marked the end of the session?"

"No. Just the end of the caning. Lucius took it a step farther than just admitting I didn't have any reason why I wasn't worthy." House hesitated, looking up closely at Nolan, searching for any hints of disapproval or judgement but he didn't find any.

"He, uh… fucked me into exhaustion. He had me keep repeating 'I am worthy to join the clan' over and over. It was like, mental reconditioning. Intense arousal and pleasure coupled with hearing my own voice saying 'I'm worthy'. When I woke up the next day, I kind of thought it would go back, if not all the way to square one, then partway at least. But it hasn't. Every time I start down that path, I start to hear my own voice telling me I'm worthy. It's kind of freaky actually."

"But that's a good response," Nolan assured him.

"Yeah. It feels so … radically different. I don't know what to do with it. I left their house and went back to my apartment. I told them though, I need time alone to think. They're worried they pushed too hard and are having me call them three or four times a day."

"What are you finding the hardest to take in?"

"Everything, really. I keep looking back at my life over the last ten years and trying to see it through this new lens… it's pretty bleak. There's a lot of things that I don't think I would have done had I felt at all wanted and worthy. Now I'm thinking about where to go from here. What does it mean to be worthy? How do I treat myself? How do I let others treat me? Am I still the same person? Just all these random questions circling around in my head."

"That's to be expected when you've just had such a radical shift in how you view yourself," Nolan said, "though it still isn't easy to get through. Have you talked with either of them yet?"

"No, not yet. Probably this weekend."

"Have you come up with any answers to your questions yet?"

"Maybe, I'm not sure. I thought I'd work on them one at a time."

"That would let you focus. Which are you thinking of starting with?"

"The thing I can change; how I treat myself. That's a mountain of a challenge on its own. Might never get to the rest."

"The rest may resolve and become clear as a result of concentrating on that one," Nolan commented.

"Have you felt anything from the SNRI yet?" he asked when it became clear House was finished.

"No, nothing yet. But I am taking them." House looked at the clock and was surprised to find more than two hours had gone by. "We're way over time. Sorry."

"No, don't apologize," Nolan said. "This was important and I wouldn't dream of breaking it up into two sessions. Are you alright to drive home?"

"I think so. I think I'll stop and get something to eat before I do."

"That's a good idea. Same time next week?"

"See you then," House agreed, getting to his feet and heading for the door. He stopped with his hand on the doorknob. "Thanks, Nolan. For actually listening without judgement."

"You're welcome."