So, a shorter than average chapter here. This is reflective of the place I am in my own life right now and the search for answers so that I can move forward. I wonder how many of you are struggling with these questions right now; to find out who you are, what you want in life, how you want to dress, to act, to keep house. Drop me a pm if you want to share. Enjoy.
The week went on much the same way. House forced himself to go to bed by midnight, forced himself to get up early enough to be on time to work. He cooked a casserole Tuesday, which he figured would serve for dinner the rest of the week. The new coffeemaker had been a perfect choice for him. Marius called him on Wednesday to come over and they had a session though House returned home that night. He had an appointment with Nolan on Thursday and that was where he was headed now, a paper sack from a fast food joint with his lunch at his side.
Finally, he was called into the office.
"Dr. House," Nolan greeted him. "There's fresh coffee made if you'd like."
"Nolan. Thanks," he said, getting himself a cup, holding the pot out to Nolan in silent question but he shook his head no and waited until House was settled in his chair.
"So how are you this week?"
"Confused. I went back to my own apartment as a part of taking care of myself and responsibility for myself."
"And this has left you confused?"
"Yeah. And snappish at people, Wilson in particular."
"Okay. What about it has you confused?"
"Mind you, I've only been doing this for four days now," House began and Nolan nodded. "I know that's not really long enough for anything to really change. It's just… I thought I'd feel something positive from it. A sense of accomplishment, satisfaction, independence. Something. And I don't."
"What do you feel?"
"Bored. Discontent. I don't want to do these mundane things even though I know they have to be done. I liked living with Marius, having the servants to take care of cooking and housecleaning. I like it when Wilson comes over and does it for me."
"Not very many people enjoy house cleaning or laundry."
"I know that, I didn't expect to enjoy it, I just… I didn't expect it to be so damned hard to force myself to do it. I thought that if I did it long enough, kept it up, it wouldn't be such a big looming chore. And I have been but the desire to stop is growing stronger every day. It's like… the chained ledgers that the ghost of Jacob Marley was forced to wear. Just burdens weighing me down. And yet, there's this other voice that says, you're an adult and this is part of being an adult, taking care of your responsibilities. That if you don't it's a sign of depression or worse. And I just feel nothing about that. Apathetic."
Nolan frowned as he listened but he didn't interrupt him.
"I think that bothers me the most," House continued. "Not caring about it. I can't find the energy to care about it for myself. I look at it and I think, if it isn't bothering me as it is, why should I do it? Why should I care what anyone else would think? But just by asking that question, that tells me that some part of me does care."
"Maybe some type of reward to yourself for continuing to do it daily?" Nolan suggested. "At least until it becomes more habitual?"
"Yeah, that's been suggested. The problem is that I don't know what would be a good enough reward to entice me to keep doing it. Anything that I can think of as a reward, like playing the piano or guitar, is the same thing that is a distraction for the chore in the first place. And I'm not very good at self-discipline," he added with a grimace.
"You might think about whether you need to go at this at a slower pace," Nolan mused. "Instead of taking on everything at once, take on only one or two things. Once you have those habituated, then add another one or two. I know, it's a very long and slow process that way," he said as House dropped his head back against the chair with a sigh, "and you prefer quicker solutions. But you didn't develop the habits you have now overnight, and you aren't going to change them overnight either."
House didn't say anything for a minute but Nolan could almost hear the wheels turning in his mind and so sipped his coffee and waited.
"Alright there's some sense to what you're saying. So how do I slow down the pace without going backward?"
"Choose two things that you think are highest priority to work on changing. What would they be?"
"Getting to work on time and its corollary, getting to bed early enough to do that," House answered.
"Do you want to use those as the two things or treat them as one and choose another?" Nolan asked.
"I'll treat them as one thing. If I get to bed early enough to get some decent sleep, it's far less of a problem to get to work on time."
"Now in light of the insomnia issues you have, I'd like to offer you some suggestions, if you allow me."
"Let's hear them."
"Contrary to advice, I think you should stay in bed if you can't sleep. Don't get up unless you need to ease muscle cramping in your leg. Try to find something that will help your mind quiet down while you're trying to fall asleep. Make sure that you're bedroom is dark and that you are comfortable with the covers you have. Too many times people worry about being hot and don't put the extra blanket on, then have problems sleeping because they are just a bit cold. If you get hot, you'll likely throw off the extra covers without waking up."
"Okay. I could read or listen to music."
"Good. But no medical journals, no music that is quick tempo or has words. And read with a hard copy book or magazine, not on an e-reader. You want your mind to quiet down, not sing along or become fascinated by some new procedure."
"Yeah, I see where you're coming from," House nodded, though he didn't like the idea, the point was valid.
"What's the second thing you want to work on?"
"Eating regularly. And yes, more healthy than I have been, even though I still think pizza should count more towards eating vegetables, especially a supreme pizza," he smirked.
"Yes, I agree, it should," Nolan chuckled. "What are the barriers to eating regularly for you?"
"Well, the whole process is difficult. Getting groceries, cooking the food. Eating alone."
"I thought you were getting groceries delivered?"
"I was. I stopped it about eight months ago. I wasn't using most of them so it seemed like a waste of money."
"Alright, hear me out. I think you should break this one down into stages. First stage is just to get into the habit of eating regular meals. I'd like you to consider getting prepared foods that you can just reheat, whether you have the grocer deliver them or order takeout. Try for some healthier options but your main goal at stage one is just to eat regularly."
"Prepared foods from the grocery store sucks."
"That's what takeout menus are for. Have the grocer deliver some basics; snacks, coffee, bread. Another option you might consider is trying out a personal chef. Hire someone to cook up a week's worth of dinners. Get breakfast on the way to work and eat lunch at work."
House nodded. "I'll think about what will work best for me. But what about the rest of the whole, take care of myself routine? Do I just let that slide while I'm doing this?"
"What other things were you trying to take on right now?"
"Keeping the apartment neat and laundry, keeping up with the mail."
"Did you stop the maid service you had?"
"She moved to be closer to her grandkids. I didn't try to hire another one."
"You should think about it again. You told me yourself that doing much cleaning bothered your leg as well as lugging the laundry around."
"You're pretty free with my money," House complained but he nodded. It did make the most sense and both those chores were hard on his leg.
"Taking care of yourself doesn't automatically mean that you're the one who has to do the task, it means that you're the one who needs to make sure it gets done, whether by you or by someone else."
House looked up at Nolan with a thoughtful look on his face at that statement. "Okay, I can work with that.
"Now you mentioned being snappish with people, especially Wilson. Do you know what's sparking it?"
"Yeah. It's not anything that he's doing. Not really. He's still acting pretty much the same toward me. It's just… I guess I'm noticing it more because I'm trying to change."
"Okay. So if he hasn't changed the essentials of how he's treating you, what about it is bothering you to the point where you are snappish?"
"It… I think that I'm just wondering how much of an ass was I that that was Wilson's response? He's the kind of person that goes out of his way for people and yeah, I know that he's gone way out of his way for me and then some. But lately the same kind of behavior that wouldn't have bothered me last year is bothering me. And I find myself feeling irritated with him for doing nothing wrong or different. It's me that's different."
"That's a perceptive observation. Have you spoken with him about it?"
"No. After the fiasco with Lucius, I haven't strayed into any territory that might cause any arguments. We did have a decent night this past week. He helped me choose a new coffee maker and came over for the evening."
"You should try to find a chance to talk to him about it. Before a snap from you starts an argument. Better to explain it when you're not irritated at the moment."
"I don't know how to explain it, or fully why it's happening though," he protested.
"Then spend a little time thinking about why it's irritating you. You might tell him just that; that you're finding it irritating and you're trying to figure out why."
"Yeah, there's a better than average chance he'll throw back a 'don't like the taste of your own medicine' crack."
"Probably. Just be honest and say that no, you don't like it and remind him that you're trying to figure out why."
House took a deep breath, held it for a moment, then let it out in a huff. "Okay. You already have an answer why, don't you?"
"I have a theory, yes, not necessarily an answer. But I'm not going to tell you until you have your own theory and we can discuss it."
He nodded, accepting that. "Same time next week?"
"Yes. Drive safely, Dr. House," Nolan said.
House picked up a meal at a deli near his house and settled onto his couch to eat it and think about Nolan's suggestions. It made some sense, slowing things down to focus on just a couple things at a time. Maybe he didn't have to tackle the whole problem all at once. It wasn't like he couldn't afford to hire help; he just hadn't liked anyone coming in when he was spiraling down. He grabbed his laptop and started searching for the maid service that he had used before, jotting the number down to call from work the next day. He'd have to decide what to do about the laundry and meal situation. Then a thought crossed his mind and he leaned over to grab his phone.
"Hey, Cuddy. You busy right now?"
"House? Kind of but I've got a few minutes. What's up?"
"I'm looking to hire some help around my place. I've got the maid service that I used last time but I'm also thinking about a personal chef and a laundry service. I thought you might know someplace."
"Wow. Well, I get why you want a maid and laundry service but a chef? You're a fabulous cook."
"Yeah, well, I've had some advice to go at this whole take care of myself in smaller chunks. And cooking means groceries and it's not really fun to do it for yourself."
"Yeah, that's the truth. Okay, let me grab my planner, I've got a couple of numbers you can try. So what is your first little chunk to work on?" she asked as she got up and went through to her desk.
"Oh, you'll be happy to hear this. My first little chunk is to get to work on time. And my second is to eat regularly."
"Hence the chef. Getting tired of takeout?"
"Yeah, a little and if left with nothing but takeout menus there won't be much healthy there. Lots of fried food, lots of meat and cheese, no veggies."
"Yeah, I've seen how you eat when left to your own devices. Here you go," she said and read off a couple of numbers for him.
"Okay. Thanks, Cuddy. See you in the morning."